Sometimes My Emotions Sneak Out of My Eyes

Life is harsh. I have cried more tears of sadness than I want to admit...memories of life experiences such as the deaths of loved ones, broken trust, strained relationships, health issues, financial difficulties, life changing decisions...the list goes on endlessly. Sometimes I just can't stop the tears. At times they drip quietly down my cheeks; other times they burst from my eyes like a roaring waterfall and create a flood of evidence that my mind and heart have surpassed their capacity to hold pain or sorrow or fear.

My tears aren't always sad tears. Take for instance the memories I have of the days each of my children were born. I put pen to paper in an attempt to express the feelings of my heart on each of those special occasions:

Connection

Only moments ago

I wondered who you were;

Now that I am holding you

My heart begins to stir.

Suddenly I recognize

Now that we’re together,

I would give up everything

To be with you forever.

-Karla Claybrook

Thinking of those sacred tender moments always makes me shed a few tears, as that feeling of unspeakable joy again fills my heart. These among others, are some of the memories I hold dear. I'm grateful no one can ever steal them from the corners of my heart and mind that only I am allowed access to.

Growing up I hated crying. I fought it ferociously. And when I was unsuccessful at keeping my tears at bay, I beat myself up emotionally as I resolved that next time I would fight harder, and be stronger. However, with time I've come to realize crying serves a purpose and is definitely not a sign of weakness. Here are some things I've discovered:

• Tears lubricate our eyes to protect them from infection, and help to remove irritants such as smoke, exhaust, dust particles and even those random little "free spirited" eyelashes that sometimes get in the eye.
• Crying helps to release pent up emotions such as fear, sadness, and anger. When we're done crying our heart rate slows and our breathing becomes more regulated because we've entered a more calm emotional state.
• Crying releases hormones that dull emotional and physical pain.
• Emotional tears heal the heart. I used to tell my children "it's OK to cry; tears are band-aids for your heart".
• Crying helps to clear our minds and bodies of stress and sadness, and hurt and anger.
• Crying helps to heal depression and anxiety.
• Sometimes tears express what we are otherwise unable to express.
• Crying is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of vulnerability and helps us to make personal connections and build stronger healthy relationships.
• Crying helps us to acknowledge and confront emotions that may otherwise stop us from moving forward. Sometimes we have to take that risk to gain the benefits of personal growth.

Sometimes I choose to cry in private. It's a little easier to let the tears flow when I can just sit or lay on my bed and cry quietly to myself. There is no one to answer to; I have no need to explain or validate my need to cry, and I can cry for as long and as hard as I want.

I am careful about who I cry on. I hate being vulnerable, then having someone tell me I'm being silly, or there's no reason for tears. If I want to cry or need to cry, that's mine! I am responsible for my own emotions and if I need to express them or work through them NO ONE has the right to decide differently. And I extend that same compassion to others.

I'm grateful for tears; for the ability to express and release my emotions. When on this crazy journey of life you are feeling broken, useless, alone, incompetent, crushed or rejected OR when your heart is bursting with joy, happiness, gratitude, love, appreciation or elation, don't worry if those emotions sometimes sneak out of your eyes. It's healthy. It's healing. And it's completely acceptable!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Devil's Radio

 

"Word is going around that you're looking 'haggard'" my friend told me as she quickly encouraged me into her car. "We're going to fix that!" 

I had every reason to be looking haggard. I was single-handedly raising 3 children under the age of 5 (married to their nonparticipating father) and running myself into the ground to pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, handle the logistics of getting help for a child with a significant developmental delay, keep up with mountains of laundry, meet the demands of my church responsibilities, work through the issues I was facing with my own emotional health, cook and clean, and manage the expectations of a high maintenance spouse. It was a little overwhelming to say the least; I was a ticking time bomb. However, there was no consideration for the truth of the matter at hand from those who gossiped behind my back. My life was a mess. And while I was doing the very best I knew how, I was drowning in the ominous ocean of dysfunction.

I suppose there are a myriad of reasons why people gossip: perhaps there's a need for "indirect" retaliation, a desire to prove one's worth and qualification for fitting into the "in crowd", jealousy, seeking acceptance/friends, poor judgement, or maybe a lack of better things to do with their time. Sadly, to some it may even seem like a harmless form of recreation until they become the one people are talking about. I read an article recently that claimed gossip has healthy benefits, but I believe it to be far more harmful than beneficial. Just my own opinion of course...you may feel differently. In my mind it's akin to bullying, except the victim isn't present to defend themselves; in fact, they are likely unaware that it's happening. It's demeaning. It can ruin a person's reputation, it promotes lies or half truths about a person behind their back, and it creates a lot of unnecessary drama for everyone involved.

If you are the subject of gossip, here are some things that may be helpful:

1. Take a step back and identify your emotions.
2. Use calming strategies to ground yourself: go for a long walk, do some deep breathing exercises, take a long warm shower, meditate, go for a work out. This will give you time to think about how to approach the problem in a more realistic and healthy manner.
3. Recognize that the situation isn't really about you; it's about others needing to tear you down to make themselves appear at least a little better than you.
4. If you know who is behind the gossip, and you choose to have a conversation or a confrontation with them, be sure to do so in private, behind a closed door, with a calm voice, out of earshot of other people.
5. Don't go into the mode of attacking, intimidating or accusing. This will only "add fuel to the fire".
6. Don't include any other person in the conversation (so and so said this or that). That will only frustrate the conversation.
7. Be clear about your purpose for having said conversation. Are you trying to stop the gossip? Or are you trying to correct misinformation? Know your intent before you begin.
8. Be clear about your expectation following the conversation. What do you expect to happen as a result. Make sure they know your expectation as well.
9. Try not to focus on the negative experience. Focus on what's going right in your life. Spend some extra time letting yourself feel gratitude for all that is good and positive and brings you joy. 
10. Show yourself some compassion and have a forgiving attitude. It beats letting yourself continue to be angry, feeling stressed and "bent out of shape". The person who benefits most will be you. You will be better able to move on and have less negative impact on your health and well-being.

If you are one who spreads gossip, here are some things you might consider:

1. Get the facts before you consider opening your mouth...and not from a 2nd or 3rd party. If you didn't hear it first hand it's likely not true. There's no need to spread toxic, untrue, or one-sided information about people.
2. Ask yourself "What's my intent for passing along this information? Am I trying to make myself feel better? Is it harmful? Would I say it to their face?
3. What's behind your need to gossip? Are you angry? Are you jealous? What is the person doing that's bothering you so much?
4.  Wouldn't it be better to speak with the person face to face to find a solution to the problem? It may not be easier but it IS kinder and it will more likely cause a whole lot less drama. Perhaps it might foster a more healthy relationship between the two of you.
5. If someone comes to you with a bit of "juicy" information, change the subject or disengage. Walk away. Make up an excuse if you have to. Don't allow yourself to be a participant in such negative damaging behavior.

Gossiping may not be an easy habit for some people to break. But here's the thing: Even if the story is true, spreading it can cause so much more damage to the person being talked about, and have serious far reaching consequences. No one wants to be the topic of gossip. Everyone deserves a fair shake, to be given the benefit of the doubt. Is it worth ruining a relationship, a career, a family, a sense of acceptance and belonging? Is it worth the loss of a life? Think before you speak. A little kindness goes a long way. You may be the tipping point, the one who made the difference between a tragic loss and a comforted soul. Spread love not gossip.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

When Someone You Know Becomes Someone You Knew

I've spent the past week trying to decide how to dive into this post. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one affected by it, but it feels like I'm drowning in the ocean of experience with the subject of estrangement. I've been on both ends; I've been the one to walk away, and I've been the one left behind. Either way it's nothing less than heart wrenching.

In walking away I felt justified, but I couldn't shut down the "what if's" and the "whys". While I'd removed myself physically, my heart bounced ferociously between thriving in the "no contact" zone, and grieving the loss of what I craved and needed from said relationship.

On the other hand, being the one left behind has left me with questions unanswered, and a rush of emotion ranging from sadness and anger, to loneliness and intense grief. I've cried rivers of tears and spent many a sleepless night questioning how I can possibly move forward while "pages from the story of my life" have been ripped out, and hurled, along with my heart, into the fiery furnace of  tragedy and harsh reality.

It sucks. Really. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, family reunions, celebrations...they all come around, and over and over again I find myself mourning lost opportunities to make memories, crying over incomplete family photos, craving hugs and expressions of love, and longing to know if the person is well physically and/or emotionally; in some instances I'm left to wonder if they're dead or alive. My heart desires to greet each new day with patience and hope and certainty, trying to convince me that there's no reason to be sad or angry because eventually it's "going to be OK"; any minute they're going to "walk through the door", "waltz back into my life" and all will be right with the world. And then reality slams me to the floor, as if to penalize me for being such a fool as days and weeks turn into months and years. It's a stupid psychological roller coaster that leaves one wishing for immediate access to an eject button, as being catapulted into finality, though potentially devastating, might put an end to the constant "puking" from "emotion" sickness.

So how does one cope with estrangement? That's a really good question. I don't think there's a universal right answer for every single situation but there are some things that will start you in the right direction:

• Acknowledge the pain: My gut instinct is to try to ignore the pain because it's intense and overwhelming. But just like with physical pain, if I let my emotional pain get out of control it's hard to get a handle on it. It never really goes away, but there are things I can do to manage it: write in my journal, relax in a warm bath, go for a long walk, listen to calm peaceful music, sleep, distract my mind with a lighthearted movie or TV show, do a crossword or jigsaw puzzle, get out some play dough or kinetic sand, or coloring to name a few.
• Rely on the support of trusted family members and friends. You don't need to do this alone. You shouldn't do this alone. Reach out to those who can best offer you a nonjudgmental listening ear and a compassionate understanding heart.
• Join a support group: There are support groups specifically for estrangement between adult parents and their children, and for estranged siblings. Sometimes it helps to know there are others who have similar experience.
• Seek professional help: If you're experiencing debilitating anxiety, depression, a constant state of stress, fear, anger, loneliness, and/or intense sadness, a mental health professional can provide guidance and tools to help you cope. 
• Grieve your loss: It doesn't matter who's at fault. It is what it is...a painful loss. Be kind to yourself and allow time and space for the process of healing.
• Try your best to move forward: Life is going to keep moving right along. Don't sacrifice the present or the future by dwelling on regrets of the past. It's easier said than done, but eventually you have to stop "peeking over your shoulder" searching for what you've lost, and focus on what's ahead of you. Find the joy in the here and now.

Sometimes hearts heal and relationships mend. And sometimes they don't. But I've learned to cherish what's right in my life, to express gratitude for the healthy relationships I have, and pray for those who are lost to me. I don't have all of the answers, but I try to remember God does. You may not have much control over your circumstances, but you can choose how you deal with them.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

It's More Than My Heart Can Take And The World Just Keeps On Spinning

Loss is harsh. We've all been through it...divorce or break up of a relationship, death of a pet or loved one, the sale of a treasured family home, retirement or being laid off from a job, the onset of life-changing health conditions. a miscarriage...

And following loss comes the stages of grief:

1. Denial: "This can't be happening to me"
2. Anger: "Why is this happening to me?"
3. Bargaining: "Please don't let this happen to me...take it away and I will ________"
4. Depression: "I'm overwhelmed with debilitating sadness"
5. Acceptance: "I'm at peace with what has happened/is happening"

Grieving is different for everyone. There are many factors such as coping style, personality, life experience, faith, and the significance of the loss. Some people begin to feel better in weeks or months, but sometimes it takes years before healing takes place. There is no normal...it just is what is for each and every individual. It takes time, and requires patience.

But what if your loss is ambiguous...as in it doesn't allow for closure? Such might be the case for instance, for those who deal with infertility, aging parents with dementia, the loss of a loved one through suicide or estrangement, those abandoned by a parent, or whose loved one is plagued by addiction or a brain injury to name a few. Persons experiencing such a loss are usually left with a feeling of not knowing how to move forward, and often live with feelings of uncertainty, sadness, confusion, guilt, anxiety, or doubt. How does one cope with "frozen" grief?

• Don't pressure yourself to just move on: Take one day at a time. While there is no closure, there is hope for learning how to "carry" your grief. It may be necessary to seek the help of a professional, especially if it affects your ability to function, or if you seek to escape through addictive substances or harmful behavior.
• Seek support from loving, open minded, non-judgmental friends or family members.
• Take REALLY good care of yourself: Good self-care is imperative. Keep yourself well balanced physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 
• Ask for and accept help when needed: Your support people are good for lending a listening ear and offering a shoulder to cry on...but don't underestimate their willingness to help with errands, offer assistance with child-care, or bring in meals to help lift your spirit and lighten your heavy load.
• Remember you are not alone: We don't always know another person's story. I stumbled across this quote by Helen Keller recently. It speaks volumes:

• Don't "stuff your pain". Let the tears fall. Sit with the sadness, and the hurt, and the anger, and the grief. Be realistic about the fact that "it's not OK". It may never be OK. It's unfair and it sucks. But someday, with time, and patience, and healing, you will be OK.
• Don't dwell on the "if only", or "what should have been", or "what might eventually be". Stay in the present. Focus on the here and now. There is so much that is out of your control. Put your effort, and your thinking, and your energy on what's in front of you and keep moving forward. It's a lot harder than it sounds, but it's so essential to your healing and your well-being. 

I know from painful personal experience that ambiguous loss is devastating and ugly, but accepting it can provide one with strength and resilience, allowing them to move forward despite the pain. There is so much in life that is beautiful, amazing, endearing, and so worth the effort we must put forth to find it.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Thank Heaven For Tuesday

Last week I had an important event to attend. I got up early enough to allow plenty of time to get ready because I really wanted to look and feel my very best. I took an extra long hot shower, then carefully applied lotion to my then well hydrated skin. I conditioned my hair and purposefully enhanced it's natural wave, giving a little more body to my thin silver highlighted locks. I carefully applied my makeup, and took extra time to consider the clothes I would wear. It all came together perfectly, and with plenty of time to spare.

Breakfast for me every morning is a protein shake...one cup of almond milk or juice from select vegetables run through my juicer, six ice cubes, some flax seed, a little dark cocoa, and a scoop of my favorite protein powder. On this particular day, as I prepared to mix the ingredients in the blender, something fell out of the cupboard above and sent the container crashing to the floor...after it splashed all down the front of my perfectly put together attire.

Deep sigh. 

Some days are like that. Dealing with sick children, unmet deadlines at the office, traffic jams, insufficient funds in the bank account, fender benders, missed appointments, disagreements with a significant other, ruined meals, disappointing news...a single occurrence or multiple happenings in a day, can sometimes make you wish you'd stayed in bed and pulled the covers over your head.

And sometimes LIFE is like that...for weeks or months or years at a stretch! 

The good news is...Monday is followed by Tuesday, the weekend/days off come at the end of a long exhausting week, spring is a welcome sight after a long dark winter, a night of rest/sleep comes at the end of the day...there's always a new chance, a fresh start, a welcome do-over.

Here are some things to ponder and consider:

• DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN "PERFECTION": Just do your best and internalize the fact that your "10" is good enough. Roll with the punches, work your way around the boulders, move ahead slow and steady. Progress is progress!
• GET GROUNDED: Try to think rationally. Don't let other people tell you how to live your life. "Delete" and "backspace" exist for a reason. There isn't a shortage of erasers. You have the right to change your mind or your course. You alone are the author of your story.
• CELEBRATE THE SMALL VICTORIES: Every day you're going to have wins and losses. Focus on what went right and let the rest go.
• CHANGE UP YOUR ROUTINE: Take a different route, do things in a different order, stop doing what doesn't work, replace the "people pleasing" behaviors, be spontaneous, stop the madness!
• STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE: Make a move, take a risk, do something scary, be a little unpredictable!
• DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF: Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break. Pat yourself on the back. Be your own best cheerleader!
• FOCUS ON YOUR PASSION: Do what you love...and love what you do!
• BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF: Success, healing, change...they all take time...and a lot of patience. Begin where you are and take one step, one day, one experience at a time. The rest will follow.
• TRUST YOUR GUT: God gave us instincts for a reason. Use them.
• DON'T MAKE EXCUSES: If it's important to you...you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse. Ultimately it's all up to you.

Most importantly, remember you are NOT alone! Being human is a challenge. We are all in this together. Take life one day at a time and be grateful for the good and the joy and the blessings! The rest is water under the bridge.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I Am Thankful Thorns Have Roses

Several years ago, my family moved into a new house with no yard, located in a windy, sage brush laden desert of a neighborhood. For obvious reasons, everyone who had previously moved in to this fairly new development, chose to lay sod instead of planting seed. We were warned about the hazards of attempting to "grow a yard vs laying sod" in such precarious conditions, but were determined to save money and chose the seed route instead. It was fall, and preparing the ground for planting took a lot more time and patience than I had anticipated, but we persevered with the endless tilling and raking of the rock filled sandy soil until it was just right. 

With the seed finally planted, we began the process of waiting anxiously and with eagerness, for a sign that our efforts had paid off. Surprisingly, I found myself quite intrigued with the prospect of new growth, and often laid down on the walkway leading to our front door to more closely examine the fruits of our labor. And one day, my heart exploded with excitement when I observed the first tiny shoots of green boldly burst through that tediously prepared soil. 

All too soon, winter came and snow quickly covered our sparsely covered "lawn". We could only hope that it survived with a good chance of thriving in the spring. As winter came to a close, and the snow began to disappear, I cheered with delight when I noticed the grass in our yard had grown to be thick and healthy and lush...truly a most beautiful sight for my eyes to behold. Grass, which I had always taken for granted, quickly became something I more deeply appreciated.

I oftentimes find myself "going through the motions of life". Sometimes I have to remind myself to get out of "auto pilot" and engage my senses. Do you ever just sit quietly and really open your eyes to what's around you? Recently, I took my 4 year old grand daughter on a walk to the grocery store. I was inspired by her wonder and curiosity of all there was around her in the short distance we covered. We stopped for some time to observe butterflies hovering in a patch of flowers, watched with amazement as a young man skillfully operated a piece of equipment with a remote control to smooth a plot of dirt to perfection in preparation for a new piece of construction, we tested and celebrated our amazing balancing skills on the curb of the sidewalk, and chattered happily about cute bouncy puppies and kittens.

How long since you've opened your ears to the sounds around you? My heart sinks in sadness at the sound of an ambulance siren, knowing someone is not faring so well due to illness or accident, while evoking in me a sense of gratitude for my own physical well-being. The chirping of birds, the buzz of a bee, the wind softly whistling through the trees put a bounce in my step and a song in my heart. The laughter of children, the whirring sound of cars tires against pavement, the happy chatter of voices waiting for the movie, an orchestra performance or a dance recital to begin, reminds me to reflect on and appreciate human connection.  The sound of silence sometimes blares so loudly that tears and loneliness intrude upon my sense of peace and calm, while invoking a greater sense of appreciation for the support of family members and friends I have in my life.

Do you "feel" yourself walking, lifting your heel and then your toes, then in such perfect rhythm setting them back on the floor in front of you? Or watch your fingers as they obediently type or text a quick message? Do you appreciate the perfect rhythm of your beating heart, or the synchronized breathing of your lungs?

Do you stop to savor the sweet succulence of a juicy piece of fruit, the creamy texture of your favorite pasta sauce, or the heavenly satisfaction of a fudgy chocolate brownie? Are you conscious of every bite you take, present in the moment of enjoying a long awaited meal?

There is much to behold and discover and appreciate in every day life, but we tend to get caught up in the fast pace, the stress of deadlines, or the harsh realities of painful or difficult situations.

Here are some things that have helped me to stop the madness of life and enjoy the its more subtle beauties:

1. EMBRACE YOUR CREATIVITY: I know, you  think you aren't creative, but I beg to differ. Every time you open your mouth to tell someone about the crazy, dramatic, exciting, or unfair details of your life you are drawing on your creative powers! You are constantly shaping and reinventing the story of you life. Once you come to terms with that reality, you're much more likely to think of yourself as a creative genius! So go with that and you decide...what story are you going to create today?
2. LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH LESS LIMITATIONS: You know...the hesitation to try something new or different, the fear of how people might perceive you, that overwhelming urge to be in control, that "box" of predictable and safe and sane. Get rid of them. Step out and be spontaneous. Make up a bucket list of simple things, and another of things that might stretch you a bit, that you think would bring some fun or some adventure into your life and MAKE THEM HAPPEN! If I've said it once, I've said it a million times...Life is too short for regret!
3. SEEK BEAUTY IN THE MUNDANE THINGS OF LIFE: Yes, rainbows, and skydiving, and breathtaking landscapes, and amazing artwork can be glorious to behold. But sometimes beauty is found in the moments and places we least expect it...the tiny fingers and toes of a newborn baby, the feel of freshly laundered sheets, the fragrance of a gentle summer rain. the blossoming of a sunflower, or the wrinkles in the soft aging skin around your grandmother's eyes.
4. SEE LIFE THROUGH A SERIES OF "FIRSTS": Imagine being able to hear music, see vibrant colors, taste chocolate, smell bread baking in the oven, or use your arms to hug someone for the very first time. There's so much we take for granted because it's what we've always known. 
5. PRIORITIZE YOUR PASSION: We are sometimes so caught up in a world of deadlines and things we think must be done, and putting so much time and energy into having everything done to perfection, we sometimes forget to make the things we love to do a priority. If you're easily distracted, schedule out a block of time to do only that which you WANT to do. It may only be 30 minutes or an hour, or more, but left unscheduled it may never happen.
6. FOCUS ON THE GOOD AND POSITIVE IN LIFE: It's so much easier to dwell on the negative, unfortunate, difficult, obnoxious details of life. Give your mind and your heart a break. Keep a gratitude journal, make a happiness list, or consciously look for the positive, uplifting, faith promoting happenings of the day. It will change your mindset and your perspective!

Life is a mix of good and bad, happy and sad; reach for the joy and cherish the simple charm and delight of each new day. 

I'm all in! Are you with me?

There's a Reason Eggnog Isn't Available All Year

Christmas of my 8th grade year was one I will always remember. My dad was an archery enthusiast. He had all kinds of bows, he designed his own arrows, and he got the whole family involved with target practice. My younger sister was especially thrilled with the idea of someday having her very own bow, as there were 5 kids in our family still living at home to share with. 

That year, a tall, somewhat narrow, but not very deep box with this particular sister's name on it stood propped against some larger presents under the Christmas tree, boldly calling upon the growing, wild curiosity I struggled to ignore. I wanted desperately to know what was in that box, so I relentlessly pestered my dad...until he JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

"I'll tell you", he said in a voice of exasperation. "But you must promise to keep it to yourself."

"Oh I will!!", I said with a little more enthusiasm than I should have.

"It's a little ironing board. But don't tell."

It's a what? I said this quietly to myself because, well you know, it must have taken some "ingenious creativity" to come up with that one (can you hear my sarcasm?)...and I was secretly relieved it didn't have MY name on it.

"It's an archery bow!" I ran immediately to tell said sister in an attempt to get her really excited for nothing. "But don't tell anyone I told you."

I'd kept my promise to my dad, and  accomplished my goal of lighting the fire of anticipation in my gullible younger sister. Sadly, she was to be miserably disappointed, but we'd cross that bridge when we got to it.

Well, heaven must have been smiling down on me, because Christmas morning eventually arrived; and inside that magical box, was the bow my sister had been dreaming of! (My dad was a bit wiser than my 13 year old self gave him credit for).

I'm a sucker for anticipation! I love the days and weeks leading up to Christmas, my birthday, or a long awaited vacation. When my children were little, they were eager, as most children are, for holidays, the beginning of summer break, birthday parties and long awaited and carefully planned events. But I always found myself telling them..."Don't wish the time away! The thing you are looking forward to will come and just like that (snapping my fingers) it will be done and over with! Enjoy the anticipation!"

It seems that in our world of instant gratification, there isn't so much appreciation for looking forward to something, being giddy with excitement, feeling your heart beat a little faster as you wait for something wonderful to take place. But there are actually some really great benefits to anticipation: 

Stacey Kaiser, an editor of Live Happy magazine and a licensed psychotherapist says, "Anticipation alerts all of the pleasure centers in the body and says wake up, which can create happy feelings." Looking forward to something causes our brains to release hormones along the brain's reward system pathway.

So sometimes we have to intentionally create and prepare for anticipation. Here are a few things I've found helpful: 

1. DELAY GRATIFICATION: This doesn't come naturally in our culture of credit card purchases and express shipping of instant internet purchases. It's not always wise to purchase something in the spur of the moment, and receiving it immediately kills the anticipation and the joy felt when it eventually is received. I recently chose to wait with great anticipation for nearly a week for something I wanted "yesterday". The joy I felt when I finally received it was indescribable! 
2. PLAN SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO: Details for holiday celebrations, birthdays, vacations, events can all be prepared in advance. It doesn't need to be extravagant to be meaningful. When my children were young we made paper chains to "count down the days until...", planned ahead for summertime outings (trips to the public library, swimming, time with friends, picnics, day trips etc), and saved money by filling the piggy bank with spare change for "special treats". Now that they're adults, we still plan ahead and anticipate time and meaningful activities together. 
3. PRACTICE PATIENCE: Get comfortable with sitting in traffic, waiting at the Dr's office, standing in the check out line, receiving those long awaited test scores, hearing back from the contractor...and teach children to do the same. Patience is a precious commodity.

Anticipation is a lost art. It requires practice. It builds character. It creates a sense of happiness and joy and contentment.

I'm all in! Are you with me? 

Did That Really Just Happen?

You know those moments when you want to hide under the table, crawl under the carpet or just disappear into thin air? Yeah, me too:

• One day, when I'd been married for about 5 years, I decided to make cornbread...something I'd done many times before. After I'd added all of the ingredients and prepared to put it in the oven, I caught a glimpse of the can of baking powder and noticed it said "double acting". Immediately I envisioned the cornbread expanding and overflowing all over the floor of the oven as it baked for the time indicated in the recipe. I decided to call a friend, who cautiously admitted she'd never heard of double acting baking powder. I hung up and called another friend...and another and another and another, each of whom responded with the same non helpful "I have no idea what to tell you" response to my ever growing dilemma. I finally decided to call an elderly neighbor lady who listened intently to my frantic query. "All baking powder is labeled as double acting my dear" she said. "Put it in the oven and let it bake. It's all going to turn out fine."
• One day while working in the warehouse of a department store I was running a ticketing machine that, with the push of a button, printed, cut and pinned the price tag to items of clothing to be sold in the store. I allowed myself to become distracted and carelessly ended up with a straight pin going through my right index finger just above the first joint. I turned to my supervisor and told her what happened and then I passed out.
• While attending a meeting for the women of a church congregation I have never attended before, some of my extended family members and I (we were all visiting) were asked to stand and introduce ourselves. My aunt, who was sitting next to me, stood and introduced herself and then sat down. And then in a weird semiconscious sort of way I stood and introduced myself...as my aunt!
•  In a crazy moment of unrealistic expectation, I took my 2 preschoolers and my newborn with me on a "quick" trip to a department store to purchase myself some new pajamas. It took some searching, but I managed to find what I needed. I realized I'd taken a little too long when I heard a little voice merrily chanting at the top of their lungs "tampon, tampon, tampon-tampon-TAMPON!"  I immediately felt sorry for the poor mother of that child...then suddenly realized it was one of mine! (Note: said child had found a tampon in my diaper bag weeks before this incident, asked what it was, barely listened to my response, and skipped away to play. Ugh)

These are just a few of my embarrassing moments, but not my most embarrassing...I don't share those with the general public! 

Embarrassment usually stems from accidental behaviors, "violations of social standards", that lead you to have negative thoughts about yourself. In my experience with embarrassing situations, I can't help but feel like everyone present is as preoccupied with the situation as I am...all eyes on me, all brains quickly forming judgement, and tongues wagging furiously to compare notes or inform those who may have missed out on the "show". It's awkward and sorely uncomfortable. But it's a part of life...no human being is immune to embarrassment! It's driven by a disconnect between how we perceive we should respond and act in public vs. how we actually do respond and act in public. And getting through it can be most challenging. But here are a few things I've learned that make it a little smoother:

• Don't avoid the situation. Sit with it. Take a deep breath. It's best to talk yourself down and try to relax. Sometimes I can laugh it off. Sometimes I have to just be  still and keep my mouth shut to prevent the tears from overflowing. It likely will still sting, but will be a little more bearable.
• Don't apologize...unless you actually did something wrong. Apologizing unnecessarily over and over again, just makes the situation more awkward for everyone involved. 
• Don't focus on the fact that your face turned bright red. This happens as a result of the "fight or flight" response that kicks in because your brain sees embarrassment as a threat. The veins in your face and neck dilate to allow fresh blood and oxygen to flow. Put the focus instead on your breathing; taking slow deep breaths will help immensely. 
• Shut down the shame tapes. Those thoughts of regret or beating yourself up emotionally are destructive. Bring yourself out of that loop into the present. Change the subject, or make a silly joke about what happened. Most people can easily relate to how you're feeling and will just go with it. Those who don't...you don't need them around anyway!
• Stop freaking out about how many people are still thinking or talking about what happened. The truth is most of the people in the room probably were so distracted with what was right in front of them that chances are they didn't even notice. Those who did notice, have likely moved on.  And so should you! Fire that committee in your head.
• Don't beat yourself up. Let it be what it is...an isolated embarrassing moment. Don't let it define you.

OK so obviously some things are a little easier to recover from than others; making a poor choice, an act of retaliation, speaking unnecessarily hurtful words will likely take longer to get past than, say, spilling food down the front of your shirt, or tripping over your own feet in public. But eventually you need to forgive yourself. Learn a lesson (if you've actually done something wrong) and move forward. It may take some time, but it's worth the time and effort to avoid ruining your future by obsessing and being stuck in the past.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

It's OK to Crawl in That Hole

"You never know how strong you are until strong is your only choice"

"True strength is keeping everything together when everyone expects you to fall apart"

"When life knocks you down, get up and show the world how strong you are"

"Be strong now because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever"

Blah Blah Blah Yada Yada Yada...

Strong is good. Endurance is amazing. Positive attitude is wonderful. But giving your all, doing your best, standing up for yourself, using your voice, pushing through the crap and the pain...until you just can't anymore SUCKS. Sometimes you just have to sit still and let go and drop to your knees and let the world kick you in the face because swimming endlessly in the deep merciless ocean is exhausting. 

For way too long, I've been pushing through and talking myself crazy positive and working my butt off to "get it right". I've paid the price, done the work, made the changes, cheered myself on, smiled through the tears, and kept my chin up. Yes, I've cleaned up a huge "mess" but the debris keeps falling and no matter how hard I race around to catch and discard it in an effort to be free of the ugliness in my life, I can't keep such a ferocious pace anymore. I'm exhausted. "I don't want the crap, but the dog keeps pooping."

Being strong means sometimes you just have to slow down and let things fall apart for a bit. There's nothing wrong with admitting "it is what it is". Just like you can't relentlessly push yourself physically without severe consequences, neither can you expect to run long term emotionally at peak performance without an eventual break down. 

So how do you pace yourself emotionally? Here are some things I've found to be helpful:

• Get a good nights sleep. I find this difficult to do sometimes, but I have noticed when I put forth a good effort to be in bed at a reasonable time it helps immensely. I'm a night owl, so time gets away from me really easy; setting an alarm has helped immensely in giving me plenty of time to unwind and relax before I actually attempt to go to sleep. I've also found my sleep is affected dramatically if I eat anything past 6:30pm and/or if I indulge in sugary or starchy late afternoon or evening snacks.
• Take frequent breaks. Physical breaks are necessary in pacing yourself throughout the day. But did you ever consider how helpful emotional breaks might be? Allow yourself small chunks of "mindless" activity. For instance, play a game on your phone, watch a feel good show or movie, do a crossword puzzle, take a 20 minute power nap. watch the sun set or rise, or go for a leisurely walk around the block.
• Keep yourself hydrated. Sounds quirky, but you know when you need to get blood drawn and they tell you to drink lots of water? If your blood needs water to flow more easily, doesn't it make sense that your brain might need water to help it function better? Can you imagine trying to think or reason with a dried up dehydrated brain? Yeah, me neither. 
• Take a mental health day. Just like you have to pay attention when you're physically sick or run down, the same goes for your emotional/mental health. If you're not up to par, recognize it for what it is and do what's necessary to help yourself heal. Chat with a friend, write in your journal, wrap up in a warm blanket and watch a movie, get some extra sleep, or do a jigsaw puzzle. Spend the entire day in your pajamas. Take a break from your phone and email. Leave the "to do" list for another day. Of course if this goes on for say a couple of weeks or longer, you may need to seek professional help.
• Eat small healthy snacks throughout the day. Your brain needs energy and nourishment as much as your body does. Be careful to feed your brain, not your emotions.
• Give yourself time. There's no deadline or hurry for taking care of your emotional needs. You know better than anyone how you're feeling, what you're dealing with, how much you can handle, where your boundaries need to be; don't let anyone tell you "there's not time for time off". Nothing and no one is more important than your well-being. The harder you push, the harder you fall and the more time it's going to take to recover.

One step day at a time, one day at a time, with your best interest in mind...that's all anyone should expect from you. Your health and your happiness are your responsibility. No one else can take the blame...and no one but you can take the credit!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I Think I Just Peed Myself

I'm not comfortable with One of my greatest "triggers" for anxiety is driving in heavy traffic. I have panic attacks when I'm surrounded by 5 lanes of traffic traveling at 75 mph. I'm TERRIFIED of being in a collision, and literally have flashes in my mind of bloodied broken bodies and twisted metal accompanied by horrific explosive sounds of impact. Until very recently, I avoided it...completely. If no one else was available or willing to drive, I didn't go.

Over the past 5 years, I've been about change. Calculated change. Change that is intentional, that takes place over a period of time. Honestly, I'll be making changes for the rest of my life; I like who I'm becoming and discovering what I'm really made of. Circumstances in the past couple of years have allowed me the perfect opportunity to face my fear of driving in heavy traffic. Today, I drove for 30 minutes during rush hour! While I was driving I had my GPS, but I also had my daughter navigating from the passenger seat. She repeated the directions while I concentrated intently on my surroundings. She helped me watch for opportunities to make necessary lane changes, and looked ahead to identify correct exits. It was intense, and I found my right hand going numb because I was hanging on to the steering wheel with a death grip, but I did it and it gave me an incredible feeling of accomplishment! It's not something I want to or even need to do every day. But I now know I'm very capable and that makes my heart so happy!! I want to stand on the highest mountain peak and scream to the entire world "I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!"

Fear is real and it can be paralyzing. When your body and brain kick into that "fight or flight" mode, it's intense, like "act now and ask questions later"! Without that ability to feel fear, we likely wouldn't last too long because we'd be carelessly doing things like walking out into traffic, jumping from high rooftops, or handling poisonous snakes. That fear protects us from harm. But sometimes it stops us from functioning, or at least living a productive fulfilling life. I'm learning what a sad thing it is to let fear rule your life. There is so much I've missed out on and I feel some regret. But I'm also grateful for experiences that have forced me to step up and step out, and given me a new appreciation for the thrill and excitement of putting fear aside and enjoying all that life has to offer...including the "heart pounding" and "sweaty palm" moments!

Here are some things I've found to be helpful in moving past fear:

• Distract yourself. Take a 15 minute time-out. Go for a short walk, take a warm shower, lie down and "melt like butter" to completely relax yourself from head to toe.
• If you panic, don't fight it. Allow yourself to feel your heart beat faster in your chest or your palms sweating. Be in the moment. Put your hands on your chest or on your stomach, close your eyes, and breathe deeply, in and out very slowly. 
• Face it. Whatever it is that you're afraid of...take it head on. The more you practice the easier it will become.
• Be realistic. It's helpful to confront those monstrous worries and concerns and put them in perspective. We discourage children from being afraid of "monsters under the bed" and yet we sometimes allow them to live in our heads!
• Jump off the perfection pedestal. NO ONE is perfect so just don't even go there. Bad days happen. Stuff happens. Mistakes happen. Life happens. And sometimes it's messy and embarrassing. Just get up and try again. Most everyone's probably feeling bad for you while secretly feeling relieved it was you and not them. Only prideful idiots are judging...and you don't need them anyway!
• Take really good care of yourself. I guarantee if you become your very best friend, you'll find ways to comfort and calm yourself, just like you would for someone else you really care about. There is more power in self advocating than in self medicating.
• Feel the support of others. Just like my daughter helped me navigate in the traffic, sometimes it helps to have someone to help us navigate as we face our fears. Their support and encouragement can make all the difference in determining our success when trying something new and scary.
• Take one day at a time. It's not poof! It's a process. Be patient and kind, but push yourself a little beyond what you think you can handle.

Have fun. Don't be so serious. Life is too short. Appreciate the experiences and celebrate the victories...even the really small ones.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I'm Starting Over...and Over...and Over Again

Confession. I used to loathe mistakes. When I was a young child I worked with great effort to avoid making them. I remember clearly being obsessed...like SUPER obsessed about having every paper I turned in for school work meticulously perfect. Only my very best handwriting would suffice, each letter painstakingly formed and placed with precision. I filled the wastebasket to overflowing with crumpled pieces of paper containing one smudge, one misspelled word, one haphazardly placed mark of ink, the ghostly image of one sentence that refused to be completely erased. What should have taken minimal time and effort quickly turned into hours of senseless anxiety and stress, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. 

As I entered adulthood I found myself enthusiastically planning long lists of things I wanted to accomplish/changes I wanted to make, pretty much setting myself up for failure before I even got started. And when I began suffocating under the pressure of reaching the unattainable, I caved to the cruel unrelenting messages from that inner part of me that insisted I was stupid to even think I was capable at succeeding at anything. When the new year came around again, I resolved to be better and work harder...to push through and not waste "this precious opportunity" to finally succeed. But I rarely did.

"Starting over" was my saving grace...in my head at least. "This time will be different", I would foolishly tell myself. I relished the idea of a clean slate, a new beginning, the thrill of "blank" space. In reality, it was merely chipping away at devouring my belief that I could do anything I put my mind to. I had become my own worst enemy.

Eventually, with some professional help, and a lot of hard work in personal development, I discovered a way out of the cycle by learning to recognize some self defeating behaviors:

• Trusting other people more than I trusted myself. I lacked confidence in myself. I felt insecure in my ability to make a correct judgement about my approach with what I wanted to accomplish, and more times than not found myself assuming that someone else was right and I was wrong.
• Having an all or nothing approach. I either had to do it well or not do it at all. Nothing less than the best was acceptable.
• Caring only for the end result. I wasn't concerned about what it took to get it done. I only cared that the desired result was attained. Otherwise I felt annoyed or devastated.
• Being extremely hard on myself. When I made a mistake, or if something didn't go quite right (whether it was my fault or not), I couldn't let it go. I continually beat myself about it, making me feel even less capable or enough.
• Having expectations set too high. This led to procrastination or lack of motivation which ultimately led to failing to meet my goals.
• Waiting for just the right moment. The best time for working on the goal or accomplishing a task was set but passed, because I procrastinated or allowed something else to get in the way. Therefore, it was pointless to even try.
• Mistakes were unacceptable. This too led to procrastination. I couldn't fail or do poorly at something I hadn't started.
• Having validation or acceptance as my driving force. Kudos and accolades from others, the appearance of being smart and successful, the need for acceptance were the determining factor for what I did and how I went about it.

And...

• Over time, I learned to truly believe my "10" is good enough. Yes there are people smarter, more talented, more capable, and better suited...but that doesn't in any way diminish my intelligence, my talents, my capabilities or my willingness to dive in and give it a shot. 
• I'm satisfied that reaching enough to stretch and challenge myself, but hitting just below my aim is much better than not trying at all. 
• I'm OK with a smudge, a stain, an overlooked incorrect spelling, a scratched out word, or a note or letter written a little more hastily. 
• I've stopped to ask myself "Will this matter in 50 years? Or even 5 years?" This has often adjusted my perspective to be more realistic. 
• I'm learning to be OK with small disappointments when things don't work out the way I expected they would. 
• I'm not as hard on myself about missed opportunities or the need to occasionally do nothing.
• I've learned to be flexible. Sometimes the "right" time isn't convenient or realistic. I can still make an effort to make something happen.

I'm also working on personal growth with reasonable expectation:

• I'm learning to be accountable to myself and others. I'm not perfect at it by any means, but I'm much more aware of the fact that I need to follow through and do what I said I would do even if it's not as good as what someone else could have done.
• I'm working at being organized and purposeful with my time, my schedule and my commitments. 
• I don't push myself beyond my abilities when I'm feeling fatigued physically or emotionally, but I'm not as quick to make excuses or rationalize.
• I regularly remind myself that the only person I'm competing with is MYSELF. My pace, my ability, my "way" is relevant and valid.

And the results are phenomenal. No longer do I find myself longing to constantly start over. I am enough. My efforts are acceptable. And my progress is consistent. Mistakes are no longer crippling; they are merely "uncomfortable" opportunities to learn and do differently for which I am mostly grateful. A life well lived might be peppered with a slew of mistakes, but content with having few regrets.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

When There's Still Smoke in the Air

I had good intentions when I began writing this post. Something positive and uplifting as has been my goal with each one previous. But my heart is aching to be blunt and raw and vulnerable…to just tell it like it is. No holding back. No hiding behind “it’s all going to be OK.” If you can read without judgement, if you can open your heart and extend compassion, if you can listen even though you don’t understand or agree…keep reading. If not, I hold nothing against you, but ask that you excuse yourself and quietly leave this post.

#Metoo. I’ve seen this plastered all over my Facebook news feed as of late. “If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote ‘Me too’ as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.”

I’ll be honest here. Me too. But I just couldn’t bring myself into the position of feeling like plastering this all over Facebook was productive; my mind just kept going back to “And?...” What purpose could this possibly serve? Until today. I get it. Today I caught the vision. I get it because my incredibly brave and unbelievably strong daughter decided she’s done hiding behind secrecy and shame, joining the masses who have found the courage to speak up in spite of what others might think; releasing their anger, hurt, fear, anxiety, or depression regardless of the “political correctness” or “social taboo” of doing so. There is healing in giving oneself permission to own their story, whatever that story might be (not just sexual harassment or assault)…even if it involves not so pleasant ugly embarrassing details regarding the actions of another human being. I’m not justifying brashness or retaliation or sucking the life out of people with constant complaints of “woe is me”, of wallowing without effort to grow and heal and change. But, I am validating the need to stop pretending that our pain and trauma and scars don’t deserve a voice for the sake of keeping the peace, protecting the perpetrator, avoiding embarrassment, or mitigating the pain. A fire ignored is no less likely to destroy you. In order to heal, to learn to love who you are, you can’t hate the experiences that have shaped you. Own them. Make peace with them. Learn to appreciate the strength you have found because of them. There is no healing in silence. #breakthesilence #healthepain

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Don't Die Wondering

I love flamingos! They aren't the most attractive birds to look at with their thick awkwardly crooked bills, giraffe-like necks, and long skinny legs, but I've always been intrigued by their beautiful pinkish orange color, which I learned comes from the algae and crustaceans they eat that contain carotenoids. Enzymes in the flamingo's liver break down the carotenoids into pink and orange pigment molecules that are absorbed by fats deposited in their feathers, bills and legs. Captive flamingos, that would otherwise be white or pale pink, are fed a special diet that includes the pigmented crustaceans. In the wild, a well-fed healthy flamingo is more vibrantly colored, whereas a white or pale flamingo is usually unhealthy or malnourished. (How's that for a little Zoology Ornithology 101)

Like flamingos, the beauty of our "humanness" exudes from our very being as we "feed" ourselves with the things that bring us fulfillment and happiness and peace, without which, we become emotionally "unhealthy and malnourished". Regardless of the "not so beautiful" aspects of your life (let's be honest...we all have them), how do you feel about your life today...right now in this moment? Are you looking forward to what's coming next? Are you living your best life?

If not, there's no better time to begin than today! Here are some suggestions to help get you started:

• Begin each new day as a fresh new start. Don't hold on to what happened yesterday, last week or even 10 years ago. Today is a clean slate. Treat it as such.
• Stop complaining. Complaining doesn't solve problems; it only feeds feelings of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. 
• Don't dwell on the things you can't change...what happened, what people think, what someone said. Instead think about the things you can take action on. That is the most constructive approach to enjoying life and moving forward.
• Live more consciously. Life is to be experienced so get out of "auto-pilot" and notice what's going on around you.
• Be true to yourself. Live up to your values and principles. Don't "sell yourself short" or "throw yourself under the bus".
• Set goals. The more specific the better.
• Create a "bucket list" then get out there and make those things happen!
• Be positive. Is the glass half empty or half full? It's all a matter of perception.
• Don't be a bad mouth. If you have a bone to pick with someone, do it face to face in private. Otherwise don't say anything at all.
• Believe in yourself 100%. If you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to believe in you?
• Learn to forgive. Forgiving doesn't make you weak...it sets you free.
• Spend more time with like-minded people. Surround yourself with people who make you want to be your best self.
• Do a random act of kindness daily. It doesn't take much effort. Give up that parking space, let someone in line ahead of you at the checkout, offer a smile to someone who walks past you. You'll be amazed at how it makes you feel.
• Stop procrastinating. It's such a huge waste of time. Just get it done and move on.
• Declutter your space at the office, in your home, in your car, in your yard. Just 5 minutes a day and you'll feel such a huge relief.
• Try something new. Take a different route to work, try a new hobby, learn a new skill. Try a new food. You might like it!
• Don't settle for a job you don't like, for friends who make you feel incompetent or undervalued, a weight you're unhappy with. Go after what you want.
• Enjoy the little things...ice cream on a hot day, watching the sunrise, the breeze in your face, a warm toasty fire on a cold wintery night.
• Take a break. Don't run so fast and hard that you forget why you're running. Slow down and just be still on occasion.
• Stop trying to change people. The only person you can really change is yourself.
• Loosen up. Dance in the rain, sing at the top of your voice, run barefoot through the grass, swing high in that swing in the park. Everyone needs fun in their life.
• Do something scary. Fears keep us in the same place and keep us from growing. It may still be scary, but it's SO empowering to overcome that fear!
• Don't allow yourself to become overwhelmed. Take one step, make one change, live one day at a time. Life is a marathon, not a sprint; pace yourself accordingly.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times...life is too short for regrets!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

You Can't Make Lemonade Out of Lions

You might as well have hit me in the face with a brick. That's how it felt when my PLAN B showed up unannounced, laughing and mocking like the bullies who tortured me in middle school. And my PLAN A? It hightailed it right out the backdoor like a wild animal, freed at last of being held against it's will. Life as I knew it was ripped away from me, and I was stripped naked of any shred of confidence in myself or my future. I was numb and cold at first; I couldn't think...didn't want to think, but soon found myself feeling as though I would drown in the tumultuous conglomeration of emotion that engulfed me, and my brain went crazy. Though it seemed humanly impossible, I could only see one direction to move in, only one answer to my "what now?" and it made me shudder. The thought of moving in that direction made me panic to the point that I couldn't function. Life hadn't handed me lemons...it had thrown me in the lion's den and I was terrified of being unable to defend myself.

With the passing of time, some thought and careful planning, and a LOT of professional help, I've come to terms with my PLAN B. It's nothing like PLAN A but I've acclimated to the "winds of change". My daily routine is much different. My goals and dreams for my future are more realistic. I've moved from the place I called "home" for 39 years, and I'm learning to "put myself out there" and connect with a host of "strangers". I regularly deal with feelings of uncertainty and loneliness, but put great trust in Heaven's ability to comfort and protect me in my vulnerability. Sometimes Many times I find myself mourning "what should have been", but more so, I am humbly grateful for blessings received and lessons learned. I am much more aware of my surroundings as there has been so much unfamiliar to become familiar with. I'm amazed at the kindness of the people I've met in my new community, and I find myself more willing to be "childlike" in my curiosity that leads me to small adventures. I like to think I'm a little more patient in the "waiting" life requires of me; time has become a precious commodity.

Here are some things that have helped me with this difficult transition:

• When life throws me a curve, it's best to step back and take a deep breath. I've learned to "be still" and evaluate how I'm going to respond.
• Remind myself that the fact that life has not gone as planned does not make me a failure. The "battle" may be lost, but the "war" isn't over! No matter how many times I get knocked down, I can ALWAYS choose to stand up and dust myself off.
• There are no excuses. It is what it is. I am where I am. There's no looking back with sadness and regret...just moving forward with courage in my heart and a smile on my face.
• I need to be open to new experiences and new opportunities. Holding onto regret and sadness about what should have been, or being afraid to reinvent life limits my ability to feel happiness.
• I must be gentle and kind with myself. No one should be more compassionate with me than I am. No trash talk, no withholding of love. I need to be my own best friend and my most capable and willing advocate.
• I must trust myself, my ability to know what's right for me; to make good choices, to provide well for my physical, emotional and spiritual needs.
• Life is a great adventure...especially when things don't go as planned! Hang on tight and try to enjoy the ride!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Sorry Not Sorry

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Have You Seen Yourself Lately?

Years ago, on a beautiful summer morning I took my children to a parade. It was the kick off for the county fair, and a yearly tradition we all looked forward to. My spunky 5 year old was especially enthusiastic about the candy being thrown into the crowd so I tried to watch closely without hovering and getting in her way. In one single moment, I lost track of her as she blended into the huge crowd of children competing for those succulent morsels of sugary goodness. Panic gripped my pounding heart as I ran frantically to find her in the sea of youngsters. Eventually, I felt such relief when I found her, quite unaware of the fact that she had been lost.

In the spring of a previous year, our family of 5 lived with my in-laws for a couple of months while we were waiting to close on a home we had purchased on the other end of town. One particular morning, I was feeling ill and at the encouragement of my mother-in-law, went back to bed, leaving her to tend to my adventurous 4 year old as he played outside. At some point, she slipped into the house for only a moment and he swiftly disappeared from our yard. After an intense 2 hour search, a gentleman from a nearby neighborhood found him in his driveway climbing on his truck trying to escape a barking dog, and brought him home. Once again, I felt such relief at having found my little one.

Another year, on a cold January Sunday afternoon, after an hour or so of family "quiet time" (everyone in your room so mom can get some much needed rest), I found to my dismay a note left on the bed of my angry 11 year old, stating that she had "gone for a walk" to blow off some steam. Having no idea where she'd headed, we began searching the neighborhood, calling a few friends, hoping to bring her back home in spite of  her "attitude". Several hours later, she frantically called from the phone of a local church building (she'd gotten lost, but recognized this familiar land mark) and thankfully we were finally able to be reunited. 

A year later, on another cold January afternoon, my then 14 year old son decided to head off (unannounced) on an adventure. Again, having no idea where he'd taken off to, I nonchalantly contacted neighbors and friends, but to no avail. We searched in every imaginable place, including a small canyon he frequently visited in his free time. Within a couple of hours, the light of day disappeared right along with any new ideas for where we might find him. About 9pm, when I had reached the end of my ability to remain calm, we received a phone call from him stating that he was cold and exhausted, and a little afraid; he'd walked aimlessly for over 5 hours. Any anger I felt for his carelessness, was washed away with relief for the opportunity to bring him safely back home. 

When I was just 13 years old, I lost myself. I was timid and shy, and easily misguided. I looked to anyone and everyone for acceptance. I was one child in a dysfunctional family of 8. I suffered from severe anxiety, which propelled my need for external and internal calm. As a result, I worked feverishly to control the emotional "settings" of my surroundings, and at a very young age earned the title of "peace maker". I felt a huge responsibility for the "happiness" and well-being of other people. Any sign of discord or disappointment on their part triggered an immediate evaluation of my words, actions and feelings so as to adjust accordingly and extinguish the sorely uncomfortable conflict it created inside of me. I spent years feeling lost, empty, unappreciated, unloved and unworthy. My relationships were so lopsided that I gave and gave and gave without any thought that I deserved to do any "taking". I wasn't "enough"...and resorted to the fact that I never would be enough. 

It's taken a lot of searching...5 years to be exact...but I found myself. And I really like what I "see". Don't get me wrong; I have flaws, weaknesses and shortcomings. I have more than a lifetime of improvements to make. But I love who I am and I. Am. Enough. I feel happy and content and peaceful. I feel beautiful and worthy, and treat myself as such. I give the same level of attention to my physical, emotional and spiritual self-care as I would a new born baby, because I deserve it. I set healthy boundaries in my personal relationships and carefully  consider my responsibility in nurturing and strengthening them in a healthy manner.  I'm nowhere near perfect, but I am perfectly imperfect! I still have hard days. Trials and adversity are a running theme in my life, but I wouldn't trade the lessons or the blessings for all the money in the world. I sometimes fail at reaching my goals and fulfilling my dreams, but I never fail at getting back up and trying again. And that overwhelming feeling is mine again, at finally being reunited with my inner child. 

Life is a journey. Even with the bumps in the road and the setbacks, there can be joy in the journey if you take it with both eyes wide open! And heaven knows YOU DESERVE THE JOY!

I'm all in! Are you with me?