Stop Pretending You're Not Angry

When I was a child, I was afraid of anger. The wrath of an angry parent caused a fear in me that I attempted to avoid at all cost. An angry outburst from a sibling or a friend, left me feeling anxious, and extremely apologetic for whatever or whomever made them furious, as though it were my fault. My own feelings of anger caused heavy unbearable feelings of guilt and shame that I didn't know how to handle. In my young mind, anger was evil and destructive.

It wasn't until a few years ago that I learned anger is a "secondary" emotion. In other words, it's a cover up or a mask for true feelings, emotions like fear, jealousy, frustration, sadness, guilt, and powerlessness. Any one of these, when unprocessed, are masked with the naturally human emotion of anger. And anger can actually be manifested in a few different ways:

• Aggression: Anger manifests as direct and forceful. The person's voice becomes louder, and they can be physically intimidating. They are often confrontational.
• Passive-Aggression: Anger manifests as silence, pouting and sulking, or incisive sarcasm, blame of others for mistakes, and complaining about others behind their back.
• Suppression: Anger manifests through impatience, silent unexpressed resentment, depression and/or moodiness, and physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches and sleep problems.
• Assertiveness: Anger manifests through expressed frustration without blame, threatening, or intimidation, honest acceptance of responsibility for mistakes, and willingness to forgive and leave other's mistakes in the past.

I've learned to see anger differently as of late. It no longer makes me feel uncomfortable, guilty or ashamed. I've learned it can actually be a healthy emotion when dealt with in an appropriate manner. (See ASSERTIVENESS above). Here are a few things I've learned:

1. Sit with it. Let it be. Feel it. Acknowledge it. Own it.
2. Define your trigger. What happened? What was said? What's the real emotion behind the anger? Sadness? Shock? Jealousy? Powerlessness? I find it easiest to do this through writing in a journal. And I'm completely honest with myself...no holding back. Don't let your emotions hide. They need a voice. They need full acceptance. Take your time.
3. Make a plan of action. Who do I need to speak with? Hint: It should be anyone directly involved with whatever happened/was said. Don't gossip. It will come back to bite you in the face. Sadly, I know that from experience. What do I need to say? Truthfully. Don't downplay or ignore the thoughts and feelings you honestly need to express. Write it down first so you know where the conversation needs to go. That way you won't get sidetracked and bring up the past. Stay on topic and be willing to work out a mutual resolution.
4. Deal with the emotion. Practice some self-care. Go for a walk or a run, do some coloring, take a nap, soak in a warm tub, snuggle with your pet, do some deep breathing and/or meditation. This could take a few minutes or a few days. Give yourself time. Don't be in a rush...but don't let it sit inside you and boil. Healing requires action. And intentional, appropriate action takes time.
5. Go have that conversation. Yes, it's hard. And necessary. Go in peace. Put a smile on your face and kindness in your heart. Stay out of the mindset of attacking, blaming, being intimidating or confrontational. Be honest and forgiving. Set a clear boundary. Then let it go. And move on.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Have Some "Self" Compassion

It Just About Sent Me Into Orbit

The past week has been filled with anxiety. About a lot of different things. Life is rough at best right now. But for the first time in my entire existence...I am not afraid. Fear has driven me since I was a little girl. My fear was warranted then, but I got stuck in fear and that's pretty much how I got to my present circumstances. Are  you a little baffled by that? Keep reading:

I chose easy classes in high school because I was afraid of what the smart/popular  kids would think of me (I was very unpopular and took a lot of emotional beating). I chose to go to a community college because I was afraid to attend a university. I chose to study something really easy and not very challenging because I was afraid of failing. After I married, I chose not to take a stand with my husband about continuing his education (he had an Applied Science degree at the local community college) because I was afraid of confrontation. This led to 30+ years at a low income job that cursed our family with severe financial struggle. My marriage has been difficult and lonely, but I chose to stay because we had 4 children and I was afraid I couldn't manage to support them or myself. And then, my world exploded and I realized I could never do enough or be enough to satisfy him and I left him anyway. We've been separated 6 years now and nothing has changed; except now we are both scrambling for economic security. I'm in hot pursuit of my opportunity for financial freedom, but it keeps magically disappearing like the pot of gold at the end of an elusive rainbow.

It's empowering to lose the fear! I'm a changed person. But the depression and anxiety hang on like an unwanted heavy winter parka in the summer heat. The depression sneaks up on me. And I can keep it at arm's length for the most part. But anxiety nearly eats me alive...and this week it nearly sent me into orbit. I've been planning a road trip since the end of March. Back to my hometown of more than 40 years. It creates a little anxiety to go back, but for the most part I'm like a kid at Christmas with the thought of reconnecting to some of the people who have my heart. And today was the day I was scheduled to leave. But...I'm home typing this blog for you to read on my computer.

Yesterday, I was packing and preparing for my week long adventure. And I felt a little anxiety, but it was doable. I expected the nervous feeling as I was anticipating a 8-9 hour drive and that's a little much for my body and my brain to handle...but completely doable. I also had the worry in the back of my brain that my car was making a weird little noise whenever I turned my steering wheel to the left for the past couple of weeks. But I'd had it checked out and nothing was found. I took that as a good sign and moved forward with my plan. I also had a few a mountain of other things pressing on me that have nothing to do with my trip. But I was doing my best to just set those on the back burner and deal with them with I get home. Because I can.

The anxiety grew with every passing hour. But I just attributed it to anticipation. About 3 o'clock in the afternoon it sky rocketed. And I was a mess. I'd gone running a little earlier and took the feeling of heaviness in my chest as a sign I needed to use my inhaler (I have asthma). Checking in with my peak flow meter confirmed that would probably be a good idea. It helped some but not enough for me to dismiss what I was feeling. And my anxiety just kept growing by the minute. I finally just knelt down and prayed (I'm a firm believer that God hears and answers our prayers. In fact, I approach prayer with the expectation that I will get a response...especially if it's an immediate need). I had so much I was worrying about that I just went down the list..."Is it this? Or this? Or this? Or this? And please would you help me feel peace...make my anxiety go away when I get to "the right one"? And then I laid down on the floor and "listened". But I didn't "hear" anything. And I was at a loss. 

At 3:45 I got in my car to give my sister-in-law a ride to her connection for transportation to a city about 2 hours away. My car seemed okay as I drove, but I immediately received my answer..."This! Your car." It was now making that noise no matter which way I turned and sometimes even when I wasn't turning at all. And the slight vibration I'd been feeling was more noticeable but not really concerning. When we stopped, I couldn't fight the sinking feeling that my car really was not safe to drive and called my mechanic.

By the time I got to the repair shop the noise was almost alarming. Driving for just 15 minutes had made a significant difference. I waited about an hour and then got the sobering diagnosis: Immediate repairs were needed for the steering rack/pinion and the transmission mount. It would take an entire day and my trip would need to be postponed. My head was hurting and I was exhausted from the emotional drain of the overwhelming anxiety I'd been feeling. But, the anxiety was gone. I actually felt that peace I'd been pleading for in my prayer. God had heard me and gave me a response. And the really amazing thing is...I had nowhere else to go yesterday. All day. Had I not gotten in my car to take my sister-in-law to her destination, I would never have known. Until I got in my car this morning to begin my drive. And I might have been without cell service. And I'd have to rely on tow service. And I'd likely have to find a motel. And I'd be two days delayed instead of just one. And how would I know if I could trust the mechanic who ended up doing my repairs? And my brain just keeps going with what if? 

So dear reader, sometimes anxiety can be your friend. Sometimes it's a protection or a warning. Sometimes it will keep you from danger...or from having to deal with bigger more worrisome problems that could have been prevented. Learn to listen. Learn to breathe. Learn to be mindful and present so you can figure out the source of your anxiety instead of ignoring it or pretending it's not really there. It may be trying to send you a message. Pay attention...then let it go on it's merry way.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

What Am I Supposed To Do?

If you know anyone who suffers with depression and/or anxiety, you know it's pretty easy to feel helpless when it comes to knowing what to do or say to break through their very real dark heavy cloud of despair and worthlessness. It can be the source of a lot of stress and worry when someone you care about is suffering so deeply on the inside. If you could destroy it, or at the very least remove it from them and take it on yourself  it would be so much easier than watching them disappear into nothingness. Even though you can't fix it or take it away, there are a few things you can do to help:

• Start by asking if they're okay. Sometimes it's very obvious to you from their flat affect (showing no emotion) or their body language, but asking them right out breaks the silence that might otherwise eventually suffocate them. It's easy to be fearful of saying the wrong thing, but don't be. Once you ask that important question, shut your mouth. Listen with your ears, your mind and your heart. Make eye contact and be engaged. 
• HEAR what they have to say. Save your advice for later. Don't be thinking about what to say next. Don't try to solve their problems. Don't try to talk them into feeling better. You don't' have to agree with them about the things they express, but you do need to try to understand their point of view. 

• Ask open ended questions. How are you feeling? What can I do for you? What would be helpful in the time that we spend together?

• Offer support and encouragement. But don't expect for that to be the magic "fix all" solution. They aren't going to suddenly "snap out of" their bout of depression.

• Don't be uncomfortable or awkward with their silence. Even if they choose to say nothing you're sending the message that you care just by sitting still and being present.

• Be kind and accepting. Don't make judgmental statements or make them feel guilty for how they're feeling. People can't "make" themselves feel better. 

• Make yourself available to spend time with them. They might just sit in a corner with their headphones in, sleep, be unwilling/unable to engage in conversation, veg in front of the TV, or stare blankly at the wall. But having someone with them can bring a sense of comfort...whether they express/admit it or not.

• Encourage them to seek professional help. The first time someone suggested I needed therapy I was offended. I thought therapy was for crazy people. And I wasn't crazy. But the decision I made to reach out to a therapist for help was one of  the best decisions I ever made. And I continue to seek help anytime I find it necessary. Because I'm worth it. Because I deserve it. Because the people who love and care about me deserve it.

• Take any thoughts or talk about suicide seriously. Don't brush them off, encourage them to keep it a secret, or ask them to ignore those thoughts/feelings. It's okay to talk about it! You need to be okay with letting them talk about it! DON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE IF THEY FEEL UNSAFE. If you feel they are in immediate danger, don't hesitate to call 911.

Depression is real. It's an illness. No one deserves it. And no one should deal with it alone. If you have depression, if you love someone with depression, there's help. Don't hide it. Secrecy and silence are poisonous and destructive. Talk about it. Listen when others talk about it. Educate yourself about it. Don't ignore or pretend it doesn't exist. Let's work together to bring it out into the light. Your getting involved can't make it go away...but if it can prevent even one person getting sucked into the hopelessness and despair that leads to suicide don't you think it's worth it?

I'm all in! Are you with me?