It's OK to Crawl in That Hole

"You never know how strong you are until strong is your only choice"

"True strength is keeping everything together when everyone expects you to fall apart"

"When life knocks you down, get up and show the world how strong you are"

"Be strong now because things will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever"

Blah Blah Blah Yada Yada Yada...

Strong is good. Endurance is amazing. Positive attitude is wonderful. But giving your all, doing your best, standing up for yourself, using your voice, pushing through the crap and the pain...until you just can't anymore SUCKS. Sometimes you just have to sit still and let go and drop to your knees and let the world kick you in the face because swimming endlessly in the deep merciless ocean is exhausting. 

For way too long, I've been pushing through and talking myself crazy positive and working my butt off to "get it right". I've paid the price, done the work, made the changes, cheered myself on, smiled through the tears, and kept my chin up. Yes, I've cleaned up a huge "mess" but the debris keeps falling and no matter how hard I race around to catch and discard it in an effort to be free of the ugliness in my life, I can't keep such a ferocious pace anymore. I'm exhausted. "I don't want the crap, but the dog keeps pooping."

Being strong means sometimes you just have to slow down and let things fall apart for a bit. There's nothing wrong with admitting "it is what it is". Just like you can't relentlessly push yourself physically without severe consequences, neither can you expect to run long term emotionally at peak performance without an eventual break down. 

So how do you pace yourself emotionally? Here are some things I've found to be helpful:

• Get a good nights sleep. I find this difficult to do sometimes, but I have noticed when I put forth a good effort to be in bed at a reasonable time it helps immensely. I'm a night owl, so time gets away from me really easy; setting an alarm has helped immensely in giving me plenty of time to unwind and relax before I actually attempt to go to sleep. I've also found my sleep is affected dramatically if I eat anything past 6:30pm and/or if I indulge in sugary or starchy late afternoon or evening snacks.
• Take frequent breaks. Physical breaks are necessary in pacing yourself throughout the day. But did you ever consider how helpful emotional breaks might be? Allow yourself small chunks of "mindless" activity. For instance, play a game on your phone, watch a feel good show or movie, do a crossword puzzle, take a 20 minute power nap. watch the sun set or rise, or go for a leisurely walk around the block.
• Keep yourself hydrated. Sounds quirky, but you know when you need to get blood drawn and they tell you to drink lots of water? If your blood needs water to flow more easily, doesn't it make sense that your brain might need water to help it function better? Can you imagine trying to think or reason with a dried up dehydrated brain? Yeah, me neither. 
• Take a mental health day. Just like you have to pay attention when you're physically sick or run down, the same goes for your emotional/mental health. If you're not up to par, recognize it for what it is and do what's necessary to help yourself heal. Chat with a friend, write in your journal, wrap up in a warm blanket and watch a movie, get some extra sleep, or do a jigsaw puzzle. Spend the entire day in your pajamas. Take a break from your phone and email. Leave the "to do" list for another day. Of course if this goes on for say a couple of weeks or longer, you may need to seek professional help.
• Eat small healthy snacks throughout the day. Your brain needs energy and nourishment as much as your body does. Be careful to feed your brain, not your emotions.
• Give yourself time. There's no deadline or hurry for taking care of your emotional needs. You know better than anyone how you're feeling, what you're dealing with, how much you can handle, where your boundaries need to be; don't let anyone tell you "there's not time for time off". Nothing and no one is more important than your well-being. The harder you push, the harder you fall and the more time it's going to take to recover.

One step day at a time, one day at a time, with your best interest in mind...that's all anyone should expect from you. Your health and your happiness are your responsibility. No one else can take the blame...and no one but you can take the credit!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I Think I Just Peed Myself

I'm not comfortable with One of my greatest "triggers" for anxiety is driving in heavy traffic. I have panic attacks when I'm surrounded by 5 lanes of traffic traveling at 75 mph. I'm TERRIFIED of being in a collision, and literally have flashes in my mind of bloodied broken bodies and twisted metal accompanied by horrific explosive sounds of impact. Until very recently, I avoided it...completely. If no one else was available or willing to drive, I didn't go.

Over the past 5 years, I've been about change. Calculated change. Change that is intentional, that takes place over a period of time. Honestly, I'll be making changes for the rest of my life; I like who I'm becoming and discovering what I'm really made of. Circumstances in the past couple of years have allowed me the perfect opportunity to face my fear of driving in heavy traffic. Today, I drove for 30 minutes during rush hour! While I was driving I had my GPS, but I also had my daughter navigating from the passenger seat. She repeated the directions while I concentrated intently on my surroundings. She helped me watch for opportunities to make necessary lane changes, and looked ahead to identify correct exits. It was intense, and I found my right hand going numb because I was hanging on to the steering wheel with a death grip, but I did it and it gave me an incredible feeling of accomplishment! It's not something I want to or even need to do every day. But I now know I'm very capable and that makes my heart so happy!! I want to stand on the highest mountain peak and scream to the entire world "I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!"

Fear is real and it can be paralyzing. When your body and brain kick into that "fight or flight" mode, it's intense, like "act now and ask questions later"! Without that ability to feel fear, we likely wouldn't last too long because we'd be carelessly doing things like walking out into traffic, jumping from high rooftops, or handling poisonous snakes. That fear protects us from harm. But sometimes it stops us from functioning, or at least living a productive fulfilling life. I'm learning what a sad thing it is to let fear rule your life. There is so much I've missed out on and I feel some regret. But I'm also grateful for experiences that have forced me to step up and step out, and given me a new appreciation for the thrill and excitement of putting fear aside and enjoying all that life has to offer...including the "heart pounding" and "sweaty palm" moments!

Here are some things I've found to be helpful in moving past fear:

• Distract yourself. Take a 15 minute time-out. Go for a short walk, take a warm shower, lie down and "melt like butter" to completely relax yourself from head to toe.
• If you panic, don't fight it. Allow yourself to feel your heart beat faster in your chest or your palms sweating. Be in the moment. Put your hands on your chest or on your stomach, close your eyes, and breathe deeply, in and out very slowly. 
• Face it. Whatever it is that you're afraid of...take it head on. The more you practice the easier it will become.
• Be realistic. It's helpful to confront those monstrous worries and concerns and put them in perspective. We discourage children from being afraid of "monsters under the bed" and yet we sometimes allow them to live in our heads!
• Jump off the perfection pedestal. NO ONE is perfect so just don't even go there. Bad days happen. Stuff happens. Mistakes happen. Life happens. And sometimes it's messy and embarrassing. Just get up and try again. Most everyone's probably feeling bad for you while secretly feeling relieved it was you and not them. Only prideful idiots are judging...and you don't need them anyway!
• Take really good care of yourself. I guarantee if you become your very best friend, you'll find ways to comfort and calm yourself, just like you would for someone else you really care about. There is more power in self advocating than in self medicating.
• Feel the support of others. Just like my daughter helped me navigate in the traffic, sometimes it helps to have someone to help us navigate as we face our fears. Their support and encouragement can make all the difference in determining our success when trying something new and scary.
• Take one day at a time. It's not poof! It's a process. Be patient and kind, but push yourself a little beyond what you think you can handle.

Have fun. Don't be so serious. Life is too short. Appreciate the experiences and celebrate the victories...even the really small ones.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I'm Starting Over...and Over...and Over Again

Confession. I used to loathe mistakes. When I was a young child I worked with great effort to avoid making them. I remember clearly being obsessed...like SUPER obsessed about having every paper I turned in for school work meticulously perfect. Only my very best handwriting would suffice, each letter painstakingly formed and placed with precision. I filled the wastebasket to overflowing with crumpled pieces of paper containing one smudge, one misspelled word, one haphazardly placed mark of ink, the ghostly image of one sentence that refused to be completely erased. What should have taken minimal time and effort quickly turned into hours of senseless anxiety and stress, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. 

As I entered adulthood I found myself enthusiastically planning long lists of things I wanted to accomplish/changes I wanted to make, pretty much setting myself up for failure before I even got started. And when I began suffocating under the pressure of reaching the unattainable, I caved to the cruel unrelenting messages from that inner part of me that insisted I was stupid to even think I was capable at succeeding at anything. When the new year came around again, I resolved to be better and work harder...to push through and not waste "this precious opportunity" to finally succeed. But I rarely did.

"Starting over" was my saving grace...in my head at least. "This time will be different", I would foolishly tell myself. I relished the idea of a clean slate, a new beginning, the thrill of "blank" space. In reality, it was merely chipping away at devouring my belief that I could do anything I put my mind to. I had become my own worst enemy.

Eventually, with some professional help, and a lot of hard work in personal development, I discovered a way out of the cycle by learning to recognize some self defeating behaviors:

• Trusting other people more than I trusted myself. I lacked confidence in myself. I felt insecure in my ability to make a correct judgement about my approach with what I wanted to accomplish, and more times than not found myself assuming that someone else was right and I was wrong.
• Having an all or nothing approach. I either had to do it well or not do it at all. Nothing less than the best was acceptable.
• Caring only for the end result. I wasn't concerned about what it took to get it done. I only cared that the desired result was attained. Otherwise I felt annoyed or devastated.
• Being extremely hard on myself. When I made a mistake, or if something didn't go quite right (whether it was my fault or not), I couldn't let it go. I continually beat myself about it, making me feel even less capable or enough.
• Having expectations set too high. This led to procrastination or lack of motivation which ultimately led to failing to meet my goals.
• Waiting for just the right moment. The best time for working on the goal or accomplishing a task was set but passed, because I procrastinated or allowed something else to get in the way. Therefore, it was pointless to even try.
• Mistakes were unacceptable. This too led to procrastination. I couldn't fail or do poorly at something I hadn't started.
• Having validation or acceptance as my driving force. Kudos and accolades from others, the appearance of being smart and successful, the need for acceptance were the determining factor for what I did and how I went about it.

And...

• Over time, I learned to truly believe my "10" is good enough. Yes there are people smarter, more talented, more capable, and better suited...but that doesn't in any way diminish my intelligence, my talents, my capabilities or my willingness to dive in and give it a shot. 
• I'm satisfied that reaching enough to stretch and challenge myself, but hitting just below my aim is much better than not trying at all. 
• I'm OK with a smudge, a stain, an overlooked incorrect spelling, a scratched out word, or a note or letter written a little more hastily. 
• I've stopped to ask myself "Will this matter in 50 years? Or even 5 years?" This has often adjusted my perspective to be more realistic. 
• I'm learning to be OK with small disappointments when things don't work out the way I expected they would. 
• I'm not as hard on myself about missed opportunities or the need to occasionally do nothing.
• I've learned to be flexible. Sometimes the "right" time isn't convenient or realistic. I can still make an effort to make something happen.

I'm also working on personal growth with reasonable expectation:

• I'm learning to be accountable to myself and others. I'm not perfect at it by any means, but I'm much more aware of the fact that I need to follow through and do what I said I would do even if it's not as good as what someone else could have done.
• I'm working at being organized and purposeful with my time, my schedule and my commitments. 
• I don't push myself beyond my abilities when I'm feeling fatigued physically or emotionally, but I'm not as quick to make excuses or rationalize.
• I regularly remind myself that the only person I'm competing with is MYSELF. My pace, my ability, my "way" is relevant and valid.

And the results are phenomenal. No longer do I find myself longing to constantly start over. I am enough. My efforts are acceptable. And my progress is consistent. Mistakes are no longer crippling; they are merely "uncomfortable" opportunities to learn and do differently for which I am mostly grateful. A life well lived might be peppered with a slew of mistakes, but content with having few regrets.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

When There's Still Smoke in the Air

I had good intentions when I began writing this post. Something positive and uplifting as has been my goal with each one previous. But my heart is aching to be blunt and raw and vulnerable…to just tell it like it is. No holding back. No hiding behind “it’s all going to be OK.” If you can read without judgement, if you can open your heart and extend compassion, if you can listen even though you don’t understand or agree…keep reading. If not, I hold nothing against you, but ask that you excuse yourself and quietly leave this post.

#Metoo. I’ve seen this plastered all over my Facebook news feed as of late. “If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote ‘Me too’ as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.”

I’ll be honest here. Me too. But I just couldn’t bring myself into the position of feeling like plastering this all over Facebook was productive; my mind just kept going back to “And?...” What purpose could this possibly serve? Until today. I get it. Today I caught the vision. I get it because my incredibly brave and unbelievably strong daughter decided she’s done hiding behind secrecy and shame, joining the masses who have found the courage to speak up in spite of what others might think; releasing their anger, hurt, fear, anxiety, or depression regardless of the “political correctness” or “social taboo” of doing so. There is healing in giving oneself permission to own their story, whatever that story might be (not just sexual harassment or assault)…even if it involves not so pleasant ugly embarrassing details regarding the actions of another human being. I’m not justifying brashness or retaliation or sucking the life out of people with constant complaints of “woe is me”, of wallowing without effort to grow and heal and change. But, I am validating the need to stop pretending that our pain and trauma and scars don’t deserve a voice for the sake of keeping the peace, protecting the perpetrator, avoiding embarrassment, or mitigating the pain. A fire ignored is no less likely to destroy you. In order to heal, to learn to love who you are, you can’t hate the experiences that have shaped you. Own them. Make peace with them. Learn to appreciate the strength you have found because of them. There is no healing in silence. #breakthesilence #healthepain

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Don't Die Wondering

I love flamingos! They aren't the most attractive birds to look at with their thick awkwardly crooked bills, giraffe-like necks, and long skinny legs, but I've always been intrigued by their beautiful pinkish orange color, which I learned comes from the algae and crustaceans they eat that contain carotenoids. Enzymes in the flamingo's liver break down the carotenoids into pink and orange pigment molecules that are absorbed by fats deposited in their feathers, bills and legs. Captive flamingos, that would otherwise be white or pale pink, are fed a special diet that includes the pigmented crustaceans. In the wild, a well-fed healthy flamingo is more vibrantly colored, whereas a white or pale flamingo is usually unhealthy or malnourished. (How's that for a little Zoology Ornithology 101)

Like flamingos, the beauty of our "humanness" exudes from our very being as we "feed" ourselves with the things that bring us fulfillment and happiness and peace, without which, we become emotionally "unhealthy and malnourished". Regardless of the "not so beautiful" aspects of your life (let's be honest...we all have them), how do you feel about your life today...right now in this moment? Are you looking forward to what's coming next? Are you living your best life?

If not, there's no better time to begin than today! Here are some suggestions to help get you started:

• Begin each new day as a fresh new start. Don't hold on to what happened yesterday, last week or even 10 years ago. Today is a clean slate. Treat it as such.
• Stop complaining. Complaining doesn't solve problems; it only feeds feelings of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. 
• Don't dwell on the things you can't change...what happened, what people think, what someone said. Instead think about the things you can take action on. That is the most constructive approach to enjoying life and moving forward.
• Live more consciously. Life is to be experienced so get out of "auto-pilot" and notice what's going on around you.
• Be true to yourself. Live up to your values and principles. Don't "sell yourself short" or "throw yourself under the bus".
• Set goals. The more specific the better.
• Create a "bucket list" then get out there and make those things happen!
• Be positive. Is the glass half empty or half full? It's all a matter of perception.
• Don't be a bad mouth. If you have a bone to pick with someone, do it face to face in private. Otherwise don't say anything at all.
• Believe in yourself 100%. If you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to believe in you?
• Learn to forgive. Forgiving doesn't make you weak...it sets you free.
• Spend more time with like-minded people. Surround yourself with people who make you want to be your best self.
• Do a random act of kindness daily. It doesn't take much effort. Give up that parking space, let someone in line ahead of you at the checkout, offer a smile to someone who walks past you. You'll be amazed at how it makes you feel.
• Stop procrastinating. It's such a huge waste of time. Just get it done and move on.
• Declutter your space at the office, in your home, in your car, in your yard. Just 5 minutes a day and you'll feel such a huge relief.
• Try something new. Take a different route to work, try a new hobby, learn a new skill. Try a new food. You might like it!
• Don't settle for a job you don't like, for friends who make you feel incompetent or undervalued, a weight you're unhappy with. Go after what you want.
• Enjoy the little things...ice cream on a hot day, watching the sunrise, the breeze in your face, a warm toasty fire on a cold wintery night.
• Take a break. Don't run so fast and hard that you forget why you're running. Slow down and just be still on occasion.
• Stop trying to change people. The only person you can really change is yourself.
• Loosen up. Dance in the rain, sing at the top of your voice, run barefoot through the grass, swing high in that swing in the park. Everyone needs fun in their life.
• Do something scary. Fears keep us in the same place and keep us from growing. It may still be scary, but it's SO empowering to overcome that fear!
• Don't allow yourself to become overwhelmed. Take one step, make one change, live one day at a time. Life is a marathon, not a sprint; pace yourself accordingly.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times...life is too short for regrets!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

You Can't Make Lemonade Out of Lions

You might as well have hit me in the face with a brick. That's how it felt when my PLAN B showed up unannounced, laughing and mocking like the bullies who tortured me in middle school. And my PLAN A? It hightailed it right out the backdoor like a wild animal, freed at last of being held against it's will. Life as I knew it was ripped away from me, and I was stripped naked of any shred of confidence in myself or my future. I was numb and cold at first; I couldn't think...didn't want to think, but soon found myself feeling as though I would drown in the tumultuous conglomeration of emotion that engulfed me, and my brain went crazy. Though it seemed humanly impossible, I could only see one direction to move in, only one answer to my "what now?" and it made me shudder. The thought of moving in that direction made me panic to the point that I couldn't function. Life hadn't handed me lemons...it had thrown me in the lion's den and I was terrified of being unable to defend myself.

With the passing of time, some thought and careful planning, and a LOT of professional help, I've come to terms with my PLAN B. It's nothing like PLAN A but I've acclimated to the "winds of change". My daily routine is much different. My goals and dreams for my future are more realistic. I've moved from the place I called "home" for 39 years, and I'm learning to "put myself out there" and connect with a host of "strangers". I regularly deal with feelings of uncertainty and loneliness, but put great trust in Heaven's ability to comfort and protect me in my vulnerability. Sometimes Many times I find myself mourning "what should have been", but more so, I am humbly grateful for blessings received and lessons learned. I am much more aware of my surroundings as there has been so much unfamiliar to become familiar with. I'm amazed at the kindness of the people I've met in my new community, and I find myself more willing to be "childlike" in my curiosity that leads me to small adventures. I like to think I'm a little more patient in the "waiting" life requires of me; time has become a precious commodity.

Here are some things that have helped me with this difficult transition:

• When life throws me a curve, it's best to step back and take a deep breath. I've learned to "be still" and evaluate how I'm going to respond.
• Remind myself that the fact that life has not gone as planned does not make me a failure. The "battle" may be lost, but the "war" isn't over! No matter how many times I get knocked down, I can ALWAYS choose to stand up and dust myself off.
• There are no excuses. It is what it is. I am where I am. There's no looking back with sadness and regret...just moving forward with courage in my heart and a smile on my face.
• I need to be open to new experiences and new opportunities. Holding onto regret and sadness about what should have been, or being afraid to reinvent life limits my ability to feel happiness.
• I must be gentle and kind with myself. No one should be more compassionate with me than I am. No trash talk, no withholding of love. I need to be my own best friend and my most capable and willing advocate.
• I must trust myself, my ability to know what's right for me; to make good choices, to provide well for my physical, emotional and spiritual needs.
• Life is a great adventure...especially when things don't go as planned! Hang on tight and try to enjoy the ride!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Sorry Not Sorry

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Have You Seen Yourself Lately?

Years ago, on a beautiful summer morning I took my children to a parade. It was the kick off for the county fair, and a yearly tradition we all looked forward to. My spunky 5 year old was especially enthusiastic about the candy being thrown into the crowd so I tried to watch closely without hovering and getting in her way. In one single moment, I lost track of her as she blended into the huge crowd of children competing for those succulent morsels of sugary goodness. Panic gripped my pounding heart as I ran frantically to find her in the sea of youngsters. Eventually, I felt such relief when I found her, quite unaware of the fact that she had been lost.

In the spring of a previous year, our family of 5 lived with my in-laws for a couple of months while we were waiting to close on a home we had purchased on the other end of town. One particular morning, I was feeling ill and at the encouragement of my mother-in-law, went back to bed, leaving her to tend to my adventurous 4 year old as he played outside. At some point, she slipped into the house for only a moment and he swiftly disappeared from our yard. After an intense 2 hour search, a gentleman from a nearby neighborhood found him in his driveway climbing on his truck trying to escape a barking dog, and brought him home. Once again, I felt such relief at having found my little one.

Another year, on a cold January Sunday afternoon, after an hour or so of family "quiet time" (everyone in your room so mom can get some much needed rest), I found to my dismay a note left on the bed of my angry 11 year old, stating that she had "gone for a walk" to blow off some steam. Having no idea where she'd headed, we began searching the neighborhood, calling a few friends, hoping to bring her back home in spite of  her "attitude". Several hours later, she frantically called from the phone of a local church building (she'd gotten lost, but recognized this familiar land mark) and thankfully we were finally able to be reunited. 

A year later, on another cold January afternoon, my then 14 year old son decided to head off (unannounced) on an adventure. Again, having no idea where he'd taken off to, I nonchalantly contacted neighbors and friends, but to no avail. We searched in every imaginable place, including a small canyon he frequently visited in his free time. Within a couple of hours, the light of day disappeared right along with any new ideas for where we might find him. About 9pm, when I had reached the end of my ability to remain calm, we received a phone call from him stating that he was cold and exhausted, and a little afraid; he'd walked aimlessly for over 5 hours. Any anger I felt for his carelessness, was washed away with relief for the opportunity to bring him safely back home. 

When I was just 13 years old, I lost myself. I was timid and shy, and easily misguided. I looked to anyone and everyone for acceptance. I was one child in a dysfunctional family of 8. I suffered from severe anxiety, which propelled my need for external and internal calm. As a result, I worked feverishly to control the emotional "settings" of my surroundings, and at a very young age earned the title of "peace maker". I felt a huge responsibility for the "happiness" and well-being of other people. Any sign of discord or disappointment on their part triggered an immediate evaluation of my words, actions and feelings so as to adjust accordingly and extinguish the sorely uncomfortable conflict it created inside of me. I spent years feeling lost, empty, unappreciated, unloved and unworthy. My relationships were so lopsided that I gave and gave and gave without any thought that I deserved to do any "taking". I wasn't "enough"...and resorted to the fact that I never would be enough. 

It's taken a lot of searching...5 years to be exact...but I found myself. And I really like what I "see". Don't get me wrong; I have flaws, weaknesses and shortcomings. I have more than a lifetime of improvements to make. But I love who I am and I. Am. Enough. I feel happy and content and peaceful. I feel beautiful and worthy, and treat myself as such. I give the same level of attention to my physical, emotional and spiritual self-care as I would a new born baby, because I deserve it. I set healthy boundaries in my personal relationships and carefully  consider my responsibility in nurturing and strengthening them in a healthy manner.  I'm nowhere near perfect, but I am perfectly imperfect! I still have hard days. Trials and adversity are a running theme in my life, but I wouldn't trade the lessons or the blessings for all the money in the world. I sometimes fail at reaching my goals and fulfilling my dreams, but I never fail at getting back up and trying again. And that overwhelming feeling is mine again, at finally being reunited with my inner child. 

Life is a journey. Even with the bumps in the road and the setbacks, there can be joy in the journey if you take it with both eyes wide open! And heaven knows YOU DESERVE THE JOY!

I'm all in! Are you with me?