Sometimes My Emotions Sneak Out of My Eyes

Life is harsh. I have cried more tears of sadness than I want to admit...memories of life experiences such as the deaths of loved ones, broken trust, strained relationships, health issues, financial difficulties, life changing decisions...the list goes on endlessly. Sometimes I just can't stop the tears. At times they drip quietly down my cheeks; other times they burst from my eyes like a roaring waterfall and create a flood of evidence that my mind and heart have surpassed their capacity to hold pain or sorrow or fear.

My tears aren't always sad tears. Take for instance the memories I have of the days each of my children were born. I put pen to paper in an attempt to express the feelings of my heart on each of those special occasions:

Connection

Only moments ago

I wondered who you were;

Now that I am holding you

My heart begins to stir.

Suddenly I recognize

Now that we’re together,

I would give up everything

To be with you forever.

-Karla Claybrook

Thinking of those sacred tender moments always makes me shed a few tears, as that feeling of unspeakable joy again fills my heart. These among others, are some of the memories I hold dear. I'm grateful no one can ever steal them from the corners of my heart and mind that only I am allowed access to.

Growing up I hated crying. I fought it ferociously. And when I was unsuccessful at keeping my tears at bay, I beat myself up emotionally as I resolved that next time I would fight harder, and be stronger. However, with time I've come to realize crying serves a purpose and is definitely not a sign of weakness. Here are some things I've discovered:

• Tears lubricate our eyes to protect them from infection, and help to remove irritants such as smoke, exhaust, dust particles and even those random little "free spirited" eyelashes that sometimes get in the eye.
• Crying helps to release pent up emotions such as fear, sadness, and anger. When we're done crying our heart rate slows and our breathing becomes more regulated because we've entered a more calm emotional state.
• Crying releases hormones that dull emotional and physical pain.
• Emotional tears heal the heart. I used to tell my children "it's OK to cry; tears are band-aids for your heart".
• Crying helps to clear our minds and bodies of stress and sadness, and hurt and anger.
• Crying helps to heal depression and anxiety.
• Sometimes tears express what we are otherwise unable to express.
• Crying is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of vulnerability and helps us to make personal connections and build stronger healthy relationships.
• Crying helps us to acknowledge and confront emotions that may otherwise stop us from moving forward. Sometimes we have to take that risk to gain the benefits of personal growth.

Sometimes I choose to cry in private. It's a little easier to let the tears flow when I can just sit or lay on my bed and cry quietly to myself. There is no one to answer to; I have no need to explain or validate my need to cry, and I can cry for as long and as hard as I want.

I am careful about who I cry on. I hate being vulnerable, then having someone tell me I'm being silly, or there's no reason for tears. If I want to cry or need to cry, that's mine! I am responsible for my own emotions and if I need to express them or work through them NO ONE has the right to decide differently. And I extend that same compassion to others.

I'm grateful for tears; for the ability to express and release my emotions. When on this crazy journey of life you are feeling broken, useless, alone, incompetent, crushed or rejected OR when your heart is bursting with joy, happiness, gratitude, love, appreciation or elation, don't worry if those emotions sometimes sneak out of your eyes. It's healthy. It's healing. And it's completely acceptable!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Devil's Radio

 

"Word is going around that you're looking 'haggard'" my friend told me as she quickly encouraged me into her car. "We're going to fix that!" 

I had every reason to be looking haggard. I was single-handedly raising 3 children under the age of 5 (married to their nonparticipating father) and running myself into the ground to pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, handle the logistics of getting help for a child with a significant developmental delay, keep up with mountains of laundry, meet the demands of my church responsibilities, work through the issues I was facing with my own emotional health, cook and clean, and manage the expectations of a high maintenance spouse. It was a little overwhelming to say the least; I was a ticking time bomb. However, there was no consideration for the truth of the matter at hand from those who gossiped behind my back. My life was a mess. And while I was doing the very best I knew how, I was drowning in the ominous ocean of dysfunction.

I suppose there are a myriad of reasons why people gossip: perhaps there's a need for "indirect" retaliation, a desire to prove one's worth and qualification for fitting into the "in crowd", jealousy, seeking acceptance/friends, poor judgement, or maybe a lack of better things to do with their time. Sadly, to some it may even seem like a harmless form of recreation until they become the one people are talking about. I read an article recently that claimed gossip has healthy benefits, but I believe it to be far more harmful than beneficial. Just my own opinion of course...you may feel differently. In my mind it's akin to bullying, except the victim isn't present to defend themselves; in fact, they are likely unaware that it's happening. It's demeaning. It can ruin a person's reputation, it promotes lies or half truths about a person behind their back, and it creates a lot of unnecessary drama for everyone involved.

If you are the subject of gossip, here are some things that may be helpful:

1. Take a step back and identify your emotions.
2. Use calming strategies to ground yourself: go for a long walk, do some deep breathing exercises, take a long warm shower, meditate, go for a work out. This will give you time to think about how to approach the problem in a more realistic and healthy manner.
3. Recognize that the situation isn't really about you; it's about others needing to tear you down to make themselves appear at least a little better than you.
4. If you know who is behind the gossip, and you choose to have a conversation or a confrontation with them, be sure to do so in private, behind a closed door, with a calm voice, out of earshot of other people.
5. Don't go into the mode of attacking, intimidating or accusing. This will only "add fuel to the fire".
6. Don't include any other person in the conversation (so and so said this or that). That will only frustrate the conversation.
7. Be clear about your purpose for having said conversation. Are you trying to stop the gossip? Or are you trying to correct misinformation? Know your intent before you begin.
8. Be clear about your expectation following the conversation. What do you expect to happen as a result. Make sure they know your expectation as well.
9. Try not to focus on the negative experience. Focus on what's going right in your life. Spend some extra time letting yourself feel gratitude for all that is good and positive and brings you joy. 
10. Show yourself some compassion and have a forgiving attitude. It beats letting yourself continue to be angry, feeling stressed and "bent out of shape". The person who benefits most will be you. You will be better able to move on and have less negative impact on your health and well-being.

If you are one who spreads gossip, here are some things you might consider:

1. Get the facts before you consider opening your mouth...and not from a 2nd or 3rd party. If you didn't hear it first hand it's likely not true. There's no need to spread toxic, untrue, or one-sided information about people.
2. Ask yourself "What's my intent for passing along this information? Am I trying to make myself feel better? Is it harmful? Would I say it to their face?
3. What's behind your need to gossip? Are you angry? Are you jealous? What is the person doing that's bothering you so much?
4.  Wouldn't it be better to speak with the person face to face to find a solution to the problem? It may not be easier but it IS kinder and it will more likely cause a whole lot less drama. Perhaps it might foster a more healthy relationship between the two of you.
5. If someone comes to you with a bit of "juicy" information, change the subject or disengage. Walk away. Make up an excuse if you have to. Don't allow yourself to be a participant in such negative damaging behavior.

Gossiping may not be an easy habit for some people to break. But here's the thing: Even if the story is true, spreading it can cause so much more damage to the person being talked about, and have serious far reaching consequences. No one wants to be the topic of gossip. Everyone deserves a fair shake, to be given the benefit of the doubt. Is it worth ruining a relationship, a career, a family, a sense of acceptance and belonging? Is it worth the loss of a life? Think before you speak. A little kindness goes a long way. You may be the tipping point, the one who made the difference between a tragic loss and a comforted soul. Spread love not gossip.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

When Someone You Know Becomes Someone You Knew

I've spent the past week trying to decide how to dive into this post. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one affected by it, but it feels like I'm drowning in the ocean of experience with the subject of estrangement. I've been on both ends; I've been the one to walk away, and I've been the one left behind. Either way it's nothing less than heart wrenching.

In walking away I felt justified, but I couldn't shut down the "what if's" and the "whys". While I'd removed myself physically, my heart bounced ferociously between thriving in the "no contact" zone, and grieving the loss of what I craved and needed from said relationship.

On the other hand, being the one left behind has left me with questions unanswered, and a rush of emotion ranging from sadness and anger, to loneliness and intense grief. I've cried rivers of tears and spent many a sleepless night questioning how I can possibly move forward while "pages from the story of my life" have been ripped out, and hurled, along with my heart, into the fiery furnace of  tragedy and harsh reality.

It sucks. Really. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, family reunions, celebrations...they all come around, and over and over again I find myself mourning lost opportunities to make memories, crying over incomplete family photos, craving hugs and expressions of love, and longing to know if the person is well physically and/or emotionally; in some instances I'm left to wonder if they're dead or alive. My heart desires to greet each new day with patience and hope and certainty, trying to convince me that there's no reason to be sad or angry because eventually it's "going to be OK"; any minute they're going to "walk through the door", "waltz back into my life" and all will be right with the world. And then reality slams me to the floor, as if to penalize me for being such a fool as days and weeks turn into months and years. It's a stupid psychological roller coaster that leaves one wishing for immediate access to an eject button, as being catapulted into finality, though potentially devastating, might put an end to the constant "puking" from "emotion" sickness.

So how does one cope with estrangement? That's a really good question. I don't think there's a universal right answer for every single situation but there are some things that will start you in the right direction:

• Acknowledge the pain: My gut instinct is to try to ignore the pain because it's intense and overwhelming. But just like with physical pain, if I let my emotional pain get out of control it's hard to get a handle on it. It never really goes away, but there are things I can do to manage it: write in my journal, relax in a warm bath, go for a long walk, listen to calm peaceful music, sleep, distract my mind with a lighthearted movie or TV show, do a crossword or jigsaw puzzle, get out some play dough or kinetic sand, or coloring to name a few.
• Rely on the support of trusted family members and friends. You don't need to do this alone. You shouldn't do this alone. Reach out to those who can best offer you a nonjudgmental listening ear and a compassionate understanding heart.
• Join a support group: There are support groups specifically for estrangement between adult parents and their children, and for estranged siblings. Sometimes it helps to know there are others who have similar experience.
• Seek professional help: If you're experiencing debilitating anxiety, depression, a constant state of stress, fear, anger, loneliness, and/or intense sadness, a mental health professional can provide guidance and tools to help you cope. 
• Grieve your loss: It doesn't matter who's at fault. It is what it is...a painful loss. Be kind to yourself and allow time and space for the process of healing.
• Try your best to move forward: Life is going to keep moving right along. Don't sacrifice the present or the future by dwelling on regrets of the past. It's easier said than done, but eventually you have to stop "peeking over your shoulder" searching for what you've lost, and focus on what's ahead of you. Find the joy in the here and now.

Sometimes hearts heal and relationships mend. And sometimes they don't. But I've learned to cherish what's right in my life, to express gratitude for the healthy relationships I have, and pray for those who are lost to me. I don't have all of the answers, but I try to remember God does. You may not have much control over your circumstances, but you can choose how you deal with them.

I'm all in! Are you with me?