Go Ahead and Cancel That Subscription

About a year ago I served on a committee responsible for the planning and execution of a dinner and program for approximately 200-300 women. We spent about 6 weeks planning every detail from the menu right down to the table decor and the lighting that would set the proper ambiance for the event.

On the evening before, while we busied ourselves with setting up tables and chairs, placing our carefully thought out decor around the room, and adding the finishing touch of burlap runners and center pieces for the tables, I suddenly found myself struggling for breath and realized the burlap I'd been handling was a dangerous trigger for my asthma. Having had little to no trouble with my asthma for the 2 years previous, I found myself ill prepared with no inhaler...which added to my feeling of anxiety and panic. 

I quickly excused myself, jumped in my car and speedily drove the 5 minutes it took to arrive home, all the while trying to assess what level of intervention I was going to need. Long story short...I survived, but learned a couple of very important lessons.

1. Always be prepared. I let my inhaler prescription expire and decided not to get it renewed because "I was doing just fine without it". Do you see how well that worked for me? Thankfully, a hot shower, a full dose of antihistamine, a fresh change of clothes, and a whole lot of prayer and patience paid off. And I got right in to my Dr the next morning to get a new prescription, a peak flow meter, and an "asthma plan". (He was a new Dr I'd never seen before due to my moving to a new location). I am now happy to say I'm more educated and more prepared for the next occurrence (I have since realized just how out of control my asthma was even before this incident).
2. Sometimes "toxins" can catch you off guard. I had no idea burlap was so "toxic" for me. I learned the hard way. But I paid attention, made note, and will never ever again allow myself to be subjected to it. I now know it's something I have to stay away from if I want to protect my health. There is no bargaining. No making exceptions.

So why am I telling you this story? Sometimes people are toxic. And just like that burlap affected my physical well-being, they can wreak havoc on a person's mental health and emotional well-being. These are people who: 

• Selfishly take up all of one's time and/or energy
• Constantly criticize others
• Play the role of "victim"; always talk like everything wrong in their life is someone else's fault
• Have a negative mindset; always worried, stressed, pessimistic and complain a lot (disclaimer: It's important to distinguish the difference here between people who are truly toxic and individuals who have a negative outlook because they suffer from clinical depression)
• Have a "short fuse"; always belittling, berating, insulting or yelling. Being around them causes one to feel like they must tread carefully
• Manipulate and use others
• Hurt and disappoint others

It's exhausting; but left unresolved, it can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms which in turn allow a toxic person to have power over an individual for years to come. So what can you do?

• Identify the toxicity: Toxic people are often manipulative and selfish. They are hard to please and impossible to work with. They have difficulty owning their feelings and aren't likely to apologize or admit they are wrong.
• Set healthy boundaries: It will be hard, but it's imperative. Once the boundaries are set, stick with them. Don't make exceptions to the rule.
• Don't be too nice: Toxic people thrive on "niceness". They take advantage and manipulate goodness and kindness to their favor. Be firm. Don't be cruel, but don't be overly accommodating.
• Don't rescue: Don't cave to their "neediness", a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend. Let what's theirs be theirs. If their situation really is critical, direct them to resources or professionals that specialize in catering to those needs.
• Establish clear limits for interactions: Don't allow for the creation of problems or drama in your life.
• Don't try to change them: There is no change for someone who doesn't want to change. If it's working for them, let it be what it is. But step away.

I'd be stupid to expose myself to burlap and trigger my asthma knowingly. Clearly, it's a hazard, a toxin for my lungs. Since breathing is an essential function for a healthy lifestyle, it makes sense to steer clear; to be vigilant and intentionally avoid any further contact. So it is with toxic people. I have enough stress, anxiety, and problems of my own. Life is hard enough without "subscribing to another person's issues". Sometimes toxic people creep into a person's life unexpectedly. Sometimes they're a part of one's family. Some are easier to deal with; in some cases, it may require professional help to gain the tools necessary to make a break. It's a lot of hard work, but the pay-off is well worth it! Health and well-being are a precious commodity. Why would one knowingly hand it over to another person? Life is short. Take it back! Go ahead and cancel that subscription!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Biggest Thief in Life

I remember like it was yesterday when my three oldest children were tiny. The days were long and hard and my kiddos required so much of my time and attention. I woke up early every morning and before my feet hit the floor, I was already strategizing my plan for surviving until nap time. That's all the further my brain could take me. There was no thought of cleaning or laundry or what to cook for dinner; just the agonizing anticipation of a nap, though the laundry and cleaning and dinner preparation all happened rather haphazardly. I heard often from more seasoned and experienced mothers that I should cherish this time in my life; they may as well have suggested finding joy in herding cats, or taking a swarm of bumble bees for a lovely day at the park. I couldn't figure out how to cherish meeting our $600 health insurance deductible in the month of January, the anxiety of being separated from a child who'd mysteriously wandered out of sight, being down with the stomach flu while my littles ran through the house like a tornado, the sudden full blown tantrums in the grocery store, or the 300,000,000 sleepless nights sitting up with one who refused to go to sleep.

Of course some days were easier than others. There were moments of giggles and laughter, squeals of joy at the anticipation of a play date, time well spent settling in with a favorite movie and treat, and scores of birthdays and holidays well celebrated. But these were not the norm...they were merely the moments that made the mostly difficult reality a little more bearable. I longed for the day when my children would be more self reliant, less needy and demanding. But I soon realized with older children came a whole different set of worries, concerns and demands...and certainly no less physical or emotional exhaustion.

Why is it  we lust for future comfort, for the next chapter in our lives? I think it's too easy to jump into anticipation of what's to come; sometimes that's to prepare, to set goals, to have something to look forward to, but my experience tells me much of the time it's looking forward to being done with my unfavorable miserable circumstances, moving on to something much more desirable, the reality  of my future I've observed with my rose colored glasses. But life throws wrench after stupid wrench in the plans I have for my "perfect" life. And if I'm not careful I get caught in the tangled web of "my life sucks" and "everyone has it better than me!" 

So how does one learn to find joy in the moment? Let me share a few things I've learned:

1. Adopt a mantra. Sounds corny? You really should give it a try. Find a quote or saying that really speaks to you then put it on your mirror, or hang it on the wall by your bed. Say it OUT LOUD at least 10 times a day and it will eventually become a part of your thought process. Here are a couple of my favorites: "Come what may and love it!" and "Embrace the suck!" My cousin recently shared that last one with me. (Thanks Angela!)
2. Slip into the "end zone".  Shut your mind down. Just for a few minutes quit thinking about your present circumstances, or worrying about the future. Turn it off. Let it rest. You'll be amazed at the difference that reset makes. No, your problems won't disappear. Your "stuff" will still have to be dealt with. But it WILL make a difference, at least temporarily, in your ability to find some peace.
3. Lighten up. Look for something to smile or laugh about. When my son was 3, and learning to dress himself, he came to me one morning super excited about his shirt. "Is my shirt on backwards?" he asked with a twinkle in his eyes. "Nope" was all I replied. And with that he jumped into the air and clapped his little hands "I did it!", he exclaimed with great enthusiasm. "It's wards!" "It's what?" I asked feeling a little confused. "It's wards! It's not backwards! It's wards!!" That made me laugh right out loud and his enthusiasm for what I saw to be such a little thing impacted the rest of my morning. Try it. It's amazing what a little laughter can do.
4. Lie down and "melt like butter". Seriously, close your eyes and start at the top of your head. Imagine every part of you in turn, melting like butter. This is something I used with my children when they had a stomachache or a headache. It worked like magic to get the pain under control and they  were better able to rest.
5. Get up and move! Just 5 minutes is all it takes. Just a little walk down the street or around your office or around your house if that's all you can manage. Movement helps the blood to flow and aids in clearing your mind and heart of stress or emotional distress. Get that blood pumping and you'll begin to feel a little better.
6. Express gratitude. I know it probably sounds a little trite. But have you tried it lately? Write a thank you note. Send a text. Make a phone call. I'm sure there's someone who's graced your day with kindness. Make a list of blessings, of all the things that are going right in your life. Make a list of all the people you love and appreciate. It's a "love lift" for your heart. "It's not happy people who are grateful, it's grateful people who are happy." I have no idea who said that, but I really like it!
7. Practice awareness. Have you noticed the sun come out behind the clouds? Noticed the simple beauty of a field of flowers? Felt the rain on your face? Noticed how warm your heart feels when someone gives you a hug or holds your hand? Have you listened to the laughter of the neighborhood children or taken time to take in the scent of your favorite lotion or your spouse's cologne or perfume? How about savoring that luscious bite of ice cream or the crazy yummy taste of that slice of homemade bread? Tune in. Engage ALL of your senses. Be completely aware of your surroundings and what's going on around you. And while you're at it...breathe long and deep.
8. Listen. All around you there are people who are worse off than you are. You hear it on the news, see it all over social media, probably have some friends or neighbors going through a pretty difficult challenge. Let your heart feel that compassion. If it's someone close, express your love and desire for their circumstances to improve. Find someone to pray for. Prayer is healing not only for the one needing the healing, but also for the one doing the praying.
9. Spend time with your pet. Animals have a way of providing comfort and peace. They are quick to curl up in your lap and their love is unconditional. They just love you because you are. If you have a pet, let them spoil you with love and attention. It's as good for them as it is for you. 
10. Do something nice for yourself. Nope, that's not selfish. It's called excellent self-care. Take time out for a bubble bath, a warm shower, a good book, a long walk, a piece of chocolate, a favorite movie, time with a friend, a hobby...anything you like and appreciate. Don't let yourself get lost in the crowd. When everyone else comes first, you don't "come at all". You're never last. You'e just forgotten...sitting on the shelf of life waiting for attention. If you don't give it, no one else will. It's not anyone else's responsibility. Try it. Every day. Your heart, your mind, your family, your coworkers and your inner child will thank you!

Looking forward in anticipation of the next phase, the better circumstance, the easier times, truly is the biggest thief in life. Don't let anticipation steal your happiness or well-being. There is always something to smile about. 

Find it!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Drowning in Truth

When I was a child, I loved to sing; not because I thought I was any good at it...it just made my heart happy. It wasn't an obsession; I just put my heart and soul into every opportunity to let the notes burst out of my mouth and ring in the air. As a Primary child (in the LDS faith), I really enjoyed learning the words to, and singing new songs. Music class in elementary school was a highlight of my week. I looked forward with great anticipation to inviting my parents to the concerts scheduled in the spring each year, at which we performed the songs we had memorized and worked to perfect under the direction of some patient and somewhat hopeful music teachers.

The evening of my sixth grade concert was no different. I arrived on time and waited patiently in the classroom feeling super pumped about the chance to shine brilliantly for my family in this performance! As we left the classroom and headed into the gym to take our assigned places on the bleachers, I couldn't stop the excitement I felt from bursting into a smile that betrayed my eleven year old attempt to appear calm and composed. "A word of caution", whispered the skinny dark haired girl to my left. "You can move your mouth, but don't let any sound come out. You don't sound so good when you sing". And suddenly, I didn't feel so much like singing. Ever. Again.

This is a hard subject for me to write about. It's not about singing; it's about all of the things that come to mind, many of which are too painful for me to share. Some are traumatic and bring to the surface emotions that easily get out of control. There are a few that are embarrassing; and no matter how hard I work to convince myself that I've learned and changed because of choices I've made or difficult experiences I've had,  my mind and heart are again flooded with horrible feelings of shame. Like the rest of you, my life is filled with moments and choices that I'm not proud of...that I'd really rather forget. There are also physical flaws, personal problems, weaknesses, emotional and physical scars, and devastating losses that sit as comfortably with me as a herd of elephants in my "room of life". I used to feel like a pile of mismatched emotional and physical pieces and parts organized and carefully put together to create the best outcome one could expect "with what was available". But not anymore.

I've decided to get real and swallow some humbling practicalities:

• What you think of me is none of my business: No one knows my story, my thought processes, the deepest desires of my heart, or my real intentions. And I need to be at peace with that. Life is too short to worry about what someone else might be thinking about how I look, how I act, how perfect I am or am not, whether or not I deserve the life I have, the car I drive or the home I live in. The only one who can rightfully judge me is God. I am His business.
• What I need to change about me...is up to me: Yes, there are probably more than a few annoying things about my personality, my lifestyle, my habits and even my attitude. But "if it's to be...it's up to me". If I don't want to change, don't see a need for change, or can't see a way to change, that's mine; and the responsibility for any fall-out is mine.
• It's not good to hang around toxic people: They have too much influence on my thinking and my emotional health, and hinder my ability to act and/or react independently of their self serving rules and expectations.
• My weaknesses can actually be used as strengths: Emotions such as fear and anger can actually fuel a desire in me to take a necessary action I may not have had the courage to take otherwise. My shyness (yes, I'm somewhat shy) helps me to be better about reaching out to people who may feel anxious or intimidated by new surroundings or experiences. 
• Change is hard, but so rewarding: Instead of beating myself up about things I don't like about me, I can figure out how to change and be kind to myself in the process. The payoff is usually much more than I imagined it could/would be. To look back and see how far I've come is an amazing, encouraging experience. And the good news is I only have to compare my past self to my present self...it doesn't matter who is better or not up to par with my own progress.
• Hard stuff is an unchangeable part of my story: We all have secrets, parts of our history, our challenges, and our physical makeup that we don't usually want to make public. But, we can't deny them or pretend they just don't exist. Sloths are the slowest mammals on earth. They average movement of about 125 ft in a single day. While it might be really frustrating to hang around those painfully slow creatures, if I understood the reason for their behavior (their lean herbivorous diet demands that they conserve energy) I might be a little more understanding and sympathetic...cut them some slack. Likewise, some of my physical attributes, my traumatic experiences, my character flaws may be less than desirable, but if I choose to embrace them...cut myself some slack...it's a little easier to find the joy and enjoy the journey.

I now recognize AND embrace the fact that all of the trauma, the embarrassment, the shame, my choices and life experiences, my character weaknesses and physical flaws, my losses, and my physical and emotional scars have been significant AND essential to my becoming who I am today. They are MY truths, held permanently in place by pillars of self-compassion, unbreakable courage, relentless vigilance, and unbelievable strength. I am proud to be the culmination of the past, present, and future chapters of the story of my life. I pledge to own it and honor it in all of it's imperfection and unfairness, and uncertainty.

I'm all in! Are you with me?