"Even If"...It's Still A Part of My Story

It was normal for me. And because it was all I knew, I assumed it was normal for everyone...but I hated it. As months and years passed, I became painfully aware my normal wasn't normal at all; and I found myself drowning in secrecy, shame, anxiety, and a heightened sense of hyper-vigilance. My self-esteem was beaten down and trampled to a dirty, shredded, useless pile of unrecognizable rubbish, and I felt as invisible as if I had never existed. I lived silently in a world of fear, and dreaded the rising of the morning sun. I spent every day going through the motions of  life, carefully avoiding the pull to do or try anything different than the routine I was used to for fear of exposing my hell and my suffocating humiliation. 

Welcome to adulthood they say. You have your whole life ahead of you. The world is your playground. You can do and be whatever you set your mind to. The problem was I was messed up, frightened, insecure, vulnerable, and emotionally scarred...the perfect set-up for getting sucked into an ugly cycle of codependency. I threw myself "in the toilet" for the sake of rescuing and fixing others in an attempt to fill my desperate unquenchable need for love and affection. 

Eventually I sought professional help. It allowed me to work through what I was dealing with, but I didn't really feel any different on the inside. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, how disgustingly gross I felt, the way I felt so inferior around other people. I felt unworthy of love and kindness even as I desperately craved attention and acceptance. I shunned the rare compliments I received from others and convinced myself they were all lies because people didn't know the real me buried deep in the muck and mire of my irrational perception of myself.

Years passed but nothing changed. As I reached each of the milestones one expects to experience in life, I got better at putting on and perfecting the facade that hid my pain and protected my heart. But I couldn't run from or erase my truth lurking in the dark corners of my mind, reminding me every moment of every day of my worthlessness.

I can't really pinpoint the exact moment things started to change for me. However, I do know it began with a conscious decision to escape from the prison inside my own head. As crazy as it sounds, I slowly began to question my truth...not the truth of what had happened to me, but my perception of how it had defined me. I thought about my motives, what drove me and determined how I would act and react in any given situation. Why and when did I choose to trust? Exhibit kindness? Be offended? Show compassion? Be approachable? Run away? I questioned (in my head) why someone liked me, and analyzed how a relationship with me benefited them. I began pondering what made my feel inferior to others around me, and challenged my deep seated belief that I had nothing to offer the world. At first there was little in the way of positives I could find, but when I did, I hung on to them and worked tirelessly to firmly attach them in my mind and in my heart as part of my new truth. This didn't happen overnight. It took years...3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Progress was painfully slow, but steady.

Today, 50 years later, I'm still very much aware of that little girl. She is now, and always will be a part of me. I am today, the culmination of all of the good, the bad, the ugly, the reprehensible. My story is not complete without any of it...without her. She is my link to the past, but I am her ticket to the future. I think she'd be mighty proud of the woman I've become, but I couldn't have done it without her courage, her integrity, and her will to thrive. She may not have had much to offer the world, but she offered me everything I needed to make a difference in our little corner of the world. Together we are beautiful. We are kind. We are amazing. We are worthy. And...we are worth it! My future is no longer defined by my past!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Why Are You Carrying That Around With You?

"MOM! What are you doing???!!!" my daughter yelled so loud it shook me to the core. She was excited and I was excited for her. We were chatting and giggling as we headed to the neighborhood pet store to buy her a fish and a tank with all of the needed accessories. She'd been asking me for a long time and I was finally about to make it happen. But I wasn't paying attention and the signal light turned red...right before I went through the intersection, swerving to avoid broadsiding another car headed toward us from the other direction with horn blaring and tires screeching. We could have died...or at least been seriously injured. I replayed that near miss in my head for the entire rest of the day. I was shaken, freaked out, completely embarrassed, and ashamed that I'd let myself become so distracted at what could have been an unbearable cost.

Mistakes. I've made plenty of them in my 50+ years of life. Some were out of carelessness...accidents if you will, while others were intentional choices I made that turned out regretfully poor results. Either way, mistakes have always been a sore spot for me. I hate admitting that I've made them. I'd much rather "sweep them under the rug" and pretend they never happened.  Keeping them to myself seems the best option at the time, but eventually the shame and humiliation wreaks havoc until I can't help but bring it out and deal with it. Bringing it all back to the surface is ugly and painful and sometimes even sickening. However, it's akin to opening up a wound and cleaning it out to get rid of the infection. If left "untreated" it leads to worse problems than the mistake itself.

While rehashing and reflecting are a necessary part of helping us avoid similar mistakes in the future, they can become a seriously debilitating problem if allowed to spiral out of control. But how does one avoid that?

• Take the "self-judgement" component out of it. Instead of labeling yourself as stupid, incompetent, or foolish, delete those thoughts immediately and replace them with questions like "What can I learn from this?" or "How can I do better next time?" This will take practice. You'll have to be intentional and consistent. But it will work. Perhaps writing down your answers will be helpful in processing these questions.
• Distract and redirect your thoughts. Get back to what  your were doing before the details of the mistake invaded your brain. If it's bedtime and you're hopelessly unable to get to sleep because you can't stop thinking about what happened, change your worrisome thoughts to something neutral that doesn't involve emotion (counting sheep by 3's, reciting the alphabet backwards, naming all 50 states etc). You may need to redirect several times...stand your ground. Don't cave in.
• Set a specific time and place for processing and reflecting on your mistake. I'm not telling you don't think about it. Remember you need to think about it with a plan for resolve in mind.  Setting specifics about when and where to process will set a healthy boundary and keep your thoughts from getting out of control. Get a journal and put your reflections in writing. Typing on the computer isn't as productive as writing out the words, the worries, the concerns...or your resolve. Writing takes effort and concentration and helps to internalize what you're thinking. Typing can easily be done mindlessly while your brain gets distracted. Choose the pen and paper!
• Confide in someone you trust. Letting it out, confronting the shame and embarrassment with someone you trust will ultimately help put things into proper perspective: You're not the only one who makes mistakes, your mistake probably isn't as bad as you think it was, there's always someone who has screwed up worse than you did, and this probably won't be the last time you make a mistake. This is one situation I can think of where competition makes me feel a little bit better...you know that "Well you think that's bad, guess what I did?" conversation...If someone else can "outdo" me with their "horrible mistake" story I'm a little quicker to cut myself some slack.

Sometimes we are our own worst critic. We are harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else. That's not really fair. We are ALL human. What makes you so special? Really. You're no less prone to mistakes, intentional or not, than the next person. Get over yourself and be kind. Be gentle with yourself. Say and do nice things for yourself. Be your own best friend and advocate strongly for the "judge" (yourself) to give you a break because you've learned a lesson and you deserve another chance. Own it, learn from it and let it go.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Stop Feeding Yourself That Crap!

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of "being" a lot of things when I grew up. The list changed frequently as I was introduced to new and amazing thoughts about what I could actually be when I became a grown up...a nurse, an organist, an astronaut, a mom of at least a dozen children, an artist for Disney Studios. Of course, when you're a little tyke the time between birthdays passes about as quickly as a slug moving through a mess of thick dark slimy mud; thus the thought of actually reaching the long anticipated status of adult was well beyond my comprehension. But I day dreamed about it frequently anyway.

About the time I hit 9th grade and started high school, my fascination with adulthood and all of it's dreamy possibilities was replaced with a panic that knew no boundaries. I'd been through some pretty harsh life experiences by then and had become a shy, withdrawn, shadow of the optimistic child I had once been. Graduation came much more quickly than those birthdays I had once longed for, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and surrender to the fear and dread that filled my lonely confused heart and mind.

The next 7 years were spent trying to prove (mostly to myself) that I was lovable...or at least likable. I went out of my way to try and be "the life of the party". Not really partying...but more or less vying for the popularity and acceptance I had seen bestowed upon others in the past as I watched silently from afar. I wasn't big headed, or full of myself...I just wanted desperately to feel like more than the worthless sorry excuse for a human being that I felt like. So, I faked my way out of my loneliness. I worked hard at making friends, appearing to be happy with my life, and creating an atmosphere of fun and laughter. I watched a lot of my friends leave for college as I settled for a few semesters at the local community college. I had no idea what I wanted to study...I just went for the sake of being able to say I was doing something with my life. I had some serious crushes, but dated only once in a blue moon. I held down a few different minimum wage jobs, but they were all dead ends as far as being able to find my place in the work force. At one point I quit my job and moved out of state, hoping a change in scenery would solve my problems and offer solutions of hopeful progress and direction in life. But after 6 months, I went "home" and took up where I left off. By this time many of my friends were marrying and starting families and I was back to looking for new people to spend time with.

Eventually I married. I continued working part-time until our first child was born 15 months later. Fast forward 26 years, 3 more children, a lot of heartache and unhappiness in my own personal life, and finally a trauma that "blew the house down". I was 51 years old...and had nothing to show for it. I had failed that little girl who once dreamed so big and so boldly. Or so I thought.

Today nearly 6 years later, I've worked my butt off to become who I am today. I'm still not a nurse, an organist (although I've taught myself some piano and guitar skills!), an astronaut, a mom to a dozen children (but I have 4 kiddos that I love and adore!), or an artist for Disney Studios (however, I've taught myself some pretty amazing artistic skills!)...but I've awakened once more that ability to dream big and bold! My dreams and goals are not quite so ambitious, but I do believe I can accomplish ANYTHING I put my mind to...and I've opened my mind to move past the barriers and limitations I'd placed on myself in my "pre-trauma" life. Yes, sadly it was the trauma that changed everything for me. I'd been shattered, and "stripped" of everything...including my self-inflicted limitations.

So why did I...why do any of us...put limitations on ourselves?

• We've landed in a "failure" mindset: When we fall down a few times it's much harder to get back up again. It's too easy to succumb to mental or maybe even physical exhaustion. I've found for myself this is especially true when I'm not taking care of my most basic needs. I let myself slide because I'm in the habit and mindset of putting everyone else first. And pretty soon I'm not even last on the list. I'm not on the list at all. I can't do it. It's not working. I quit. I'm too tired to stand up again.
• Fear gets the best of us: That could be fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of new and different or unfamiliar, fear of failing, or even fear of success (Yep. It's real. I've been there). Fear leads to procrastination or avoidance, which ultimately leads to nothing nowhere.
• We have limiting beliefs about ourselves: I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, good enough, worthy enough...you can insert ANY word in there to make it work for you (translation: to make it not work for you). I am not ___________ enough. This is completely destructive to reaching goals or making dreams a reality...but only YOU can change it.
• We lack hope and/or belief in ourselves and our capabilities: Sometimes we AREN'T enough for what we would like to accomplish, but that shouldn't stop us from educating ourselves, acquiring sufficient information or experience, or trying to learn a new skill. I'm discovering for myself...you are never too old to make life happen. If you can dream it, you can learn it and do it!
• We forget our "why": You know, that reason deep down inside of you that pushes and encourages and drives you. That's your why. It's why you wake up, why you go to your job, why you take care of your family, why you keep going when you feel the urge to quit. If you've lost you why, do some digging. It's there. It just needs to be rediscovered and reignited. It doesn't matter how long it's been. If you look hard enough you'll discover it's there; it never went away.

Life is too short to live in regret. Let the past be the past. Wake up to the reality of your present, and choose to have a huge say in your future! It's yours. It doesn't belong to anyone else. You alone are responsible for your happiness, the realization of your dreams, and what you make of your life. Live fully. Dream big. And die happy knowing you lived happy and loved fiercely. Don't waste your time on toxic people and avoid drama like the plague. These are my new rules for life!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Suck It Up Or Dance In It...You Choose

I've had the life sucked out of me. Again. It's so hard to hold my head up and go through my daily routine. My body feels weak and shaky. I have no energy. There are things I feel I MUST tend to, but it takes so little to wear me out and send me to my bed for rest. The hours between the early morning light that drifts through my window each morning, and the time that twilight finally settles in, seem endless. I have no energy for small talk, for problem solving, for planning, for little more than opening my eyes to face yet another day. I feel sad and angry, and hurt and disappointed, and a loneliness that is much more encompassing than I've ever experienced before. Fear and hopelessness and darkness hover over me, but I'm not willing to let them take up residence in my head. I see what they are capable of; I will not allow myself to fall victim to their destructive ways. I've witnessed others mindlessly drift to the point of no return; I'm not even willing to take the first step on that path. I get depression. It surrounds me on every side, and threatens to suffocate me. But I will give it zero opportunity to destroy me...not even second hand.

I know you probably think I'm full of myself. How dare I think I'm so invincible and powerful. Think what you may. But the truth is it's a choice. Really. I can choose to dwell on my problems, my sucky life, my traumatic experiences, the unfairness of my circumstances, my sadness and loneliness, my health issues,  the way I'm treated by others, and all the other crap that gets relentlessly flung at me. Or I can take responsibility for how I handle what comes my way. 

Reality check: The universe has nothing against me. God is not punishing me. I am not undeserving of being treated with kindness and respect. I am not a worthless pile of crap that somehow mistakenly ended up where I'm at physically OR emotionally in my life. I haven't been dealt a lousy hand. Bad things happen to bad people...and good people. I am not exempt from pain, tragedy, disappointment, health crises, financial ruin, bad luck, or misfortune of any kind. Sometimes Much of the time, life sucks. But I CHOOSE whether or not to cope, how to cope, and how long to cope. I choose whether to be humble and reachable, or pridefully surround myself with an impenetrable wall and suffer silently, or shamelessly loud enough for everyone to witness. And NO ONE can take that choice away from me.

If you're looking for a perfect life you're in for a severe disappointment. Give it up. Change your expectation. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself:

• Get outside of yourself. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than you. And there is NO exception to that rule. Look for them and do something to lighten their burden. You can't take their crap away, but you can add a little sunshine.
• Count your blessings. There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Look for it until you find it. Write it down and put it where you can be reminded of it EVERY single day.
• Take a break from social media. Everyone's life is falsely portrayed (intentional or not) to be much better than yours is. Don't fall into that trap. We ALL have crap.
• Set a goal to change something about you or about your life that you CAN change. Learn to take the rest in stride and move on.
• Reach out for support. Friends, family, church clergy, neighbors...let them into your circle and try letting at least one of them into your heart.
• Change up your routine. Sometimes doing just one thing differently makes all the difference in your attitude and helps give you a fresh perspective.

Life is tough. But you don't have to let it destroy you.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

When All You Can Do is Whisper "I'm Fine"

"I'm fine", I lied. Enough time had passed that I could at least be out in public. But that question everyone asks so nonchalantly, that normally seemed so standard, shook me to the core and kicked my "fight or flight" response screaming into overdrive. What was I supposed to say? I'd had a life threatening reality pummel me into the ground just weeks before...but it was a "behind closed doors" event, unlike those that make the headlines in the national news or in the local newspaper. Time stood eerily still as I negotiated whether running away or passing out would be the appropriate avoidance response.

When "How are you?" is a loaded question...when you're suffering from depression or anxiety, have suffered a loss or been through a traumatic experience, been the victim of a crime, dealing with financial stress, unemployment, chronic illness, aging parents, foreclosure, wayward children, broken relationships...when you're grieving...what do you do with that?

1. Assess the intent of the person asking: Is this someone you are close to, someone you trust truly cares about you? Or is this a casual acquaintance? If you're feeling uncomfortable, you're not obliged to give any more than a polite "non-answer". "I'm doing OK, thanks. How are you?" or "I'm hanging in there. How about you?" or "Hey how was your family vacation?" (avoidance and changing the subject always sends a message of "I'm not willing to go there!")
2. Consider how answering the question might affect you: When you're suffering, answering truthfully may bring on the onset of an eruption of emotion you may not be prepared to handle. And the other party may not know what to do with it, leaving you feeling awkward and full of regret for opening that floodgate. Likely this would usually be a risk one should consider only under emotionally safe circumstances. There's no need to bring more stress or anxiety on yourself than you're already dealing with. Not everyone is in a place to hear your truth. And your truth needs to be protected.
3. Set firm boundaries: I was approached by a few people who thought they knew what had happened, when in fact they were completely misinformed by someone else's speculation. It made it a little very awkward, but I found it necessary to briefly set the record straight and then shut the conversation down. Especially if you're not in a clearly stable state of mind to talk, or you find the questioning distressing, you need to do what's best for you. No one else's opinion or concern matters at that point. You, not any well-meaning busybody, are in charge of your emotional health and healing. Don't allow bullying, gossiping, or ignorance to pressure you into having a conversation you don't want to have. You have to put yourself first.

It's a harsh reality...we're not always as OK as we pretend to be. Being vulnerable is difficult at best, and risky to say the least. Bad things happen to good people. And none of us are exempt from any amount of pain and suffering. People will say stupid hurtful things. The world keeps revolving and time continues moving forward even when your life is falling apart. Having painful experiences in life makes us a little more compassionate. No one will understand exactly how you are feeling because everyone is affected by and handles grief differently. You'll run across people who try to "one up" you and minimize your experience. Some may even tell you to buck up and move on. Healing is hard work and takes a LOT of time. Trust the process. You will never be the same. All the world is oblivious when you're hurting. Seek to disclose your pain to those who will listen and support you, offering encouragement and comfort in the best way possible...and let the rest go.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Don't Give Away Your Power!

We all walk around like a closed book, but everyone of us has a story...stories filled with terror, tragedy, betrayal or unfairness. And we all have scars. Some of our scars are physical and cannot be hidden. But some are emotional and cannot be seen. One may look to have survived life unscathed, appear to have it all together, seem to have everything going their way...but it would be foolish to believe such a thing...and the enticing trap of "my life has been ruined" lies deceitfully waiting as a tiger about to pounce on their prey, to destroy the one who chooses to hand over their power to overcome, to heal, to thrive and survive. Don't get me wrong. I'm not downplaying the horrendous effects of the harsh realities of life. But I have witnessed the power of grit and courage, in my personal life, and in the lives of others who have determined to change the outcome of their life story. It's never an easy thing, but choosing to be a survivor, to overcome, to learn lessons, to recognize blessings, to forgive, to become an advocate, to rise to the challenge, instills courage, enables growth, and leads to otherwise unforeseen opportunities to inspire and encourage, and make a difference in the lives of others. 

So how does one choose to be a survivor, to find grit and courage to rise above the cruel injustices of life? Here are some ideas that might be helpful:

• Recognize the perceived advantages of victim mentality: First: It feels good to get sympathy and attention from other people. However, eventually people grow tired of it and move on. Second: It protects you from risking rejection or failure, but traps you in a cycle of excuses, keeping you from taking any necessary action. Third: It allows you to avoid making any difficult decisions or choices, but ultimately keeps you from taking control of your own life. There is power to saying NO! to the victim mentality.
• Be OK with finding a new way to define yourself. Choosing not to focus on what's happened to you, the need for revenge or retribution, or on the unfairness of the hand life has dealt you empowers you to find courage, take risks, create your own happiness, find ways to serve and bless the lives of others.
• Take personal responsibility for your own life. Stop looking for someone or something to blame when things don't go the way you want them to, when you make a mistake, when life gets hard, or when you feel overwhelmed. Things happen. People judge. The words and actions of others are sometimes hurtful. The weather is unpredictable. Freak accidents come out of nowhere. Crime, death, illness, financial ruin, debilitating accidents, broken trust, ruined relationships, embarrassing incidents...they all happen. You are not alone. The world is not out to destroy you. 
• Express gratitude. Look at all of the people who DO love you, all of the things that ARE going right in your life. And remember there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse off than you do. Count your blessings. Name them ONE by ONE. There is power in a grateful heart.
• Choose forgiveness. It's not so much for the person who has harmed or deceived you, as for the peace you will feel in your heart if you choose to let go and move on. Forgiveness doesn't mean pretend like nothing happened and go be best friends with the one you're forgiving. You need boundaries. And you may need to remove yourself from their toxicity. "Turn the other cheek" sometimes means, turn and walk away. Don't let anger, malice, revenge, or contempt rule your life or steal your heart. Let go. And move on. It's no longer yours.
• Find someone to serve. The best and most effective healing comes when we reach outside of ourselves. Volunteer in your community, mow a neighbor's lawn, teach a child a new skill, participate in a cause...be the one who makes the difference.
• Cut yourself some slack. Some days will be easier than others. Cry the tears, talk about the hard stuff, deal with the emotions, and don't ignore the pain. Pain is a signal to your body and mind that something needs attention to promote healing. Pay attention. But don't draw unnecessary attention.

Healing is hard. Finding courage can much of the time prove to be a daunting task, but it far outweighs the benefits of drowning in self pity. Surround yourself with people who are strong, and encouraging, and determined to make the best they can with the life they've been given, and you will be filled with well deserved peace and joy, and a life very much worth living!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Raw and Real

A brutally honest journal entry:

Life sucks. It's harsh and unfair and I feel like my head might just explode. My heart aches with a pain no one should have to deal with. My stomach is churning and my brain is foggy. I hate going to bed at night because I dread getting up in the morning. I'm so angry and frustrated and disappointed. Fear is my constant companion. I feel lonely and isolated. It's exhausting to try to get to know new people and it causes so much anxiety I feel like throwing up. I want so much to run back to the place I called home for 39 years, to throw myself at the feet of those I called friends, and yet I have so much crap on my plate I don't think I could keep from drowning them with my tears. There would be no conversation. My family relationships, both in my family of origin and with my husband and children, are a shattered mess. There is avoidance, finger pointing, broken trust, depression and anxiety, rebellion, and even estrangement. I'm working so hard on my personal issues, trying to step up my game, and trying (but failing miserably) to be strong and hopeful and encouraging. I'm trapped in emotional quicksand and it feels as though I'm about to go under.

But I will not give up...

• Because I know God is with me. I talk to him every day. He listens, and for just a few minutes while we talk, he wraps me in a warm blanket of peace. He doesn't take away the pain or the fear or the disappointment or the anger, but gently reminds me that I'm never alone and replenishes my courage and strength. He is my refuge from the raging storms in my life. He allows me to talk to him anytime, for as long as I want, as many times a day as I deem necessary. He is never too busy. I am his top priority at any given moment.
• Because I am a valid valuable human being deserving of love and happiness.
• Because I know "this too shall be a memory" as there are better brighter days to come...eventually. And I will wait patiently while trying to see the lessons and the blessings in my current circumstances.
• Because I understand this isn't all about me. This isn't just my story. My loved ones are also hurting and probably feeling an enormous amount of pain, fear, disappointment, and anger. Even though we are each immeasurably broken, we are all "in this together".

So for today, and tomorrow, and for every day for the remainder of time I have to deal with this crappy overwhelming mess, I will embrace the suck. I will keep moving. I will continue reaching up and digging deep. I will allow myself to mourn what should have been,  and take a break from life when I feel myself begin to crumble under the heaviness of it all, taking great strides to make sure my needs are met on every level. I will strive to act and react with  kindness and patience, but take a time out when I find it necessary to replenish those commodities. I will create my own happiness, and try to spread a little sunshine wherever I go. And when the crashing waves of trial and heartache finally recede for a time, I will cherish the opportunity to breathe deeply, then exhale a long sigh of relief, and heartfelt gratitude, for the simple profound truth that life has not destroyed me.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

What's Your Why?

A few weeks ago, I sat down to do some work on my laptop and soon after saw a "low power" message pop up on the screen. I stopped and quickly proceeded to plug the cord first into the jack, with the other end plugged firmly into the nearest electrical outlet. I was set to continue with my project. I was making great progress until, about 15 minutes later, it just shut down without any warning. "WHAT IS GOING ON??!!", I said out loud in exasperation. Only months before I spent a small fortune to purchase this laptop as the one I'd had previously just up and quit on me and could not be salvaged. Checking that the cord was still plugged securely into the jack, I was puzzled...until I looked over and realized it had been pulled from the socket in the wall. I had stretched the cord a little too far, eventually causing a a disconnect from the source it relied on for power. It could only sustain itself for a short period before it shut down, having become completely useless.

Just as I overstretched the power cord, I used to stretch myself too thin. I said yes to everyone and everything. I wasn't just last on the list. Most days I wasn't even on the list. I was so tired physically, emotionally and spiritually my needs were not being met. My dreams got shoved into a dark hole so I wouldn't have to feel guilty about not making them become a reality. I was known as "so and so's sister, mother, or daughter" but I'd lost my own identity. Beyond mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend...I was lost and I felt so empty.

So what's changed? I "crashed and burned" on every level. I literally had nothing more to give...not even to myself. Out of desperation, and with excruciating effort, I began making small changes. Now 5 years later, I matter. I'm not just on the list...I'm at the top of the list. I'm no longer functioning in auto pilot. I get out of bed every day with purpose, with a reason for being, with a fire in my belly that motivates me to be, to inspire, to make a difference in my own little corner of the world! I've "plugged in" to my sources of power that give me strength and energy, and motivation and encouragement:

• I pay attention to what I put in my body: No, every meal isn't perfect, nor is every day ideal, but I make a conscious effort to be more aware of what I eat. More fruits and vegetables, less sugar and fat, less junk food, more water. I'm not aiming to be skinny, but I am aiming to be a healthier version of me. This one little decision has led to some pretty amazing changes in my health...issues that have caused me a lot of anxiety and discomfort over decades. 
• I exercise: Just 20-30 minutes 3-5 times a week. Any thing will do. Nothing fancy. Nothing hard. Nothing strenuous. Sometimes I'm by myself. Sometimes I'm with a friend. 
• I read/listen to books on personal development: These inspire me, help me to see areas of my life in which I can make adjustments and improvements. I'm seeking to be the best I can be, looking to contribute in some small way to the human race. Some of these books are simply motivational, written by people who have become successful in life in one way or another. Others are stories of real people who have overcome adversity, used their challenges to aspire to become something no one believed they could become, or learned to fine tune their self-discipline to  help them reach a goal or make a dream come true. They created a purpose, found their "why" they were put on the planet and worked hard to put it into action. I'm pleased to say I've finally found my "why". That's what gets me out of bed every morning!
• I'm developing talents: I started at the age of forty-three finding ways to teach myself things I'd always wanted to learn...playing the piano, drawing portraits, crocheting, and playing the guitar just to name a few. Because I'm not doing this for anyone but me, it brings me joy! My down time is filled with amazing enjoyable activity. And...I'm NEVER EVER bored. My grandma was an amazing artist. But she didn't start taking lessons until she was in her late 60's. It's never too late to start.
• I set boundaries: This is my life. I am responsible for, and deserving of, the decision for who I interact with, what kind of people I surround myself with, and how much of my time I spend with/on them. There's A LOT less stress and drama in my life when I pay attention to relationships of every kind on every level. I work hard to have an attitude of servitude, to be patient and kind, to be friendly and give people the benefit of the doubt. However, I refuse to be a door mat, to take any kind of abuse, to be controlled or used for any other human being's self-serving purposes. I am important, and just as deserving of love and respect as anyone else. But...that love and respect has to come from me first, before I can expect to receive it from anyone else. 
• I have a morning devotional every single day: This is a minimum of 30 minutes to myself to pray and read scriptures. I believe wholeheartedly that there is divine interaction in my life. I purposefully seek guidance, direction, comfort and encouragement from Heaven...and quietly listen so I can receive it. No, my life isn't any easier, nor am I without problems, trials and difficulty because of it. But there is internal peace no matter how much external turmoil there is around me. I am a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, grandmother and friend because I put God first.
• I talk kindly to myself: I try not to say anything I wouldn't say to people I love. I cut myself some slack, I allow myself to make mistakes, I show myself compassion and I recognize some days are going to be crap days. I don't expect perfection from anyone else. Why would I expect it of myself?
• I listen to uplifting music: Music calms my soul, centers me, regulates my breathing and my heartbeat, lowers my stress level, promotes a feeling of happiness, puts a skip in my step, and soothes my brain.
• I count my blessings: Every day I try to find something to be grateful for...sometimes it's a miracle I've witnessed, other times it something as simple as the ability to walk or see, or having a roof over my head, and a soft warm bed to sleep in. Gratitude helps me to stay grounded and keep my attitude out of the toilet.

Being plugged in is crucial to good physical, emotional and spiritual health. It's imperative if you're committed to living with purpose. Wouldn't it be sad to come to the end of your life wondering what might have been? Life isn't a popularity contest, nor is it about being a martyr, or running yourself into the ground under the guise of fixing and rescuing everyone around you. Life is about living, leaving a legacy, planting hope and peace and joy in the hearts of those you love and connect with. No one can do it for you. Choose happiness. Choose to be positive. Choose to smile. Choose to find your "why". Choose to find and plug in to your sources of power!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Go Ahead and Cancel That Subscription

About a year ago I served on a committee responsible for the planning and execution of a dinner and program for approximately 200-300 women. We spent about 6 weeks planning every detail from the menu right down to the table decor and the lighting that would set the proper ambiance for the event.

On the evening before, while we busied ourselves with setting up tables and chairs, placing our carefully thought out decor around the room, and adding the finishing touch of burlap runners and center pieces for the tables, I suddenly found myself struggling for breath and realized the burlap I'd been handling was a dangerous trigger for my asthma. Having had little to no trouble with my asthma for the 2 years previous, I found myself ill prepared with no inhaler...which added to my feeling of anxiety and panic. 

I quickly excused myself, jumped in my car and speedily drove the 5 minutes it took to arrive home, all the while trying to assess what level of intervention I was going to need. Long story short...I survived, but learned a couple of very important lessons.

1. Always be prepared. I let my inhaler prescription expire and decided not to get it renewed because "I was doing just fine without it". Do you see how well that worked for me? Thankfully, a hot shower, a full dose of antihistamine, a fresh change of clothes, and a whole lot of prayer and patience paid off. And I got right in to my Dr the next morning to get a new prescription, a peak flow meter, and an "asthma plan". (He was a new Dr I'd never seen before due to my moving to a new location). I am now happy to say I'm more educated and more prepared for the next occurrence (I have since realized just how out of control my asthma was even before this incident).
2. Sometimes "toxins" can catch you off guard. I had no idea burlap was so "toxic" for me. I learned the hard way. But I paid attention, made note, and will never ever again allow myself to be subjected to it. I now know it's something I have to stay away from if I want to protect my health. There is no bargaining. No making exceptions.

So why am I telling you this story? Sometimes people are toxic. And just like that burlap affected my physical well-being, they can wreak havoc on a person's mental health and emotional well-being. These are people who: 

• Selfishly take up all of one's time and/or energy
• Constantly criticize others
• Play the role of "victim"; always talk like everything wrong in their life is someone else's fault
• Have a negative mindset; always worried, stressed, pessimistic and complain a lot (disclaimer: It's important to distinguish the difference here between people who are truly toxic and individuals who have a negative outlook because they suffer from clinical depression)
• Have a "short fuse"; always belittling, berating, insulting or yelling. Being around them causes one to feel like they must tread carefully
• Manipulate and use others
• Hurt and disappoint others

It's exhausting; but left unresolved, it can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms which in turn allow a toxic person to have power over an individual for years to come. So what can you do?

• Identify the toxicity: Toxic people are often manipulative and selfish. They are hard to please and impossible to work with. They have difficulty owning their feelings and aren't likely to apologize or admit they are wrong.
• Set healthy boundaries: It will be hard, but it's imperative. Once the boundaries are set, stick with them. Don't make exceptions to the rule.
• Don't be too nice: Toxic people thrive on "niceness". They take advantage and manipulate goodness and kindness to their favor. Be firm. Don't be cruel, but don't be overly accommodating.
• Don't rescue: Don't cave to their "neediness", a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend. Let what's theirs be theirs. If their situation really is critical, direct them to resources or professionals that specialize in catering to those needs.
• Establish clear limits for interactions: Don't allow for the creation of problems or drama in your life.
• Don't try to change them: There is no change for someone who doesn't want to change. If it's working for them, let it be what it is. But step away.

I'd be stupid to expose myself to burlap and trigger my asthma knowingly. Clearly, it's a hazard, a toxin for my lungs. Since breathing is an essential function for a healthy lifestyle, it makes sense to steer clear; to be vigilant and intentionally avoid any further contact. So it is with toxic people. I have enough stress, anxiety, and problems of my own. Life is hard enough without "subscribing to another person's issues". Sometimes toxic people creep into a person's life unexpectedly. Sometimes they're a part of one's family. Some are easier to deal with; in some cases, it may require professional help to gain the tools necessary to make a break. It's a lot of hard work, but the pay-off is well worth it! Health and well-being are a precious commodity. Why would one knowingly hand it over to another person? Life is short. Take it back! Go ahead and cancel that subscription!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Biggest Thief in Life

I remember like it was yesterday when my three oldest children were tiny. The days were long and hard and my kiddos required so much of my time and attention. I woke up early every morning and before my feet hit the floor, I was already strategizing my plan for surviving until nap time. That's all the further my brain could take me. There was no thought of cleaning or laundry or what to cook for dinner; just the agonizing anticipation of a nap, though the laundry and cleaning and dinner preparation all happened rather haphazardly. I heard often from more seasoned and experienced mothers that I should cherish this time in my life; they may as well have suggested finding joy in herding cats, or taking a swarm of bumble bees for a lovely day at the park. I couldn't figure out how to cherish meeting our $600 health insurance deductible in the month of January, the anxiety of being separated from a child who'd mysteriously wandered out of sight, being down with the stomach flu while my littles ran through the house like a tornado, the sudden full blown tantrums in the grocery store, or the 300,000,000 sleepless nights sitting up with one who refused to go to sleep.

Of course some days were easier than others. There were moments of giggles and laughter, squeals of joy at the anticipation of a play date, time well spent settling in with a favorite movie and treat, and scores of birthdays and holidays well celebrated. But these were not the norm...they were merely the moments that made the mostly difficult reality a little more bearable. I longed for the day when my children would be more self reliant, less needy and demanding. But I soon realized with older children came a whole different set of worries, concerns and demands...and certainly no less physical or emotional exhaustion.

Why is it  we lust for future comfort, for the next chapter in our lives? I think it's too easy to jump into anticipation of what's to come; sometimes that's to prepare, to set goals, to have something to look forward to, but my experience tells me much of the time it's looking forward to being done with my unfavorable miserable circumstances, moving on to something much more desirable, the reality  of my future I've observed with my rose colored glasses. But life throws wrench after stupid wrench in the plans I have for my "perfect" life. And if I'm not careful I get caught in the tangled web of "my life sucks" and "everyone has it better than me!" 

So how does one learn to find joy in the moment? Let me share a few things I've learned:

1. Adopt a mantra. Sounds corny? You really should give it a try. Find a quote or saying that really speaks to you then put it on your mirror, or hang it on the wall by your bed. Say it OUT LOUD at least 10 times a day and it will eventually become a part of your thought process. Here are a couple of my favorites: "Come what may and love it!" and "Embrace the suck!" My cousin recently shared that last one with me. (Thanks Angela!)
2. Slip into the "end zone".  Shut your mind down. Just for a few minutes quit thinking about your present circumstances, or worrying about the future. Turn it off. Let it rest. You'll be amazed at the difference that reset makes. No, your problems won't disappear. Your "stuff" will still have to be dealt with. But it WILL make a difference, at least temporarily, in your ability to find some peace.
3. Lighten up. Look for something to smile or laugh about. When my son was 3, and learning to dress himself, he came to me one morning super excited about his shirt. "Is my shirt on backwards?" he asked with a twinkle in his eyes. "Nope" was all I replied. And with that he jumped into the air and clapped his little hands "I did it!", he exclaimed with great enthusiasm. "It's wards!" "It's what?" I asked feeling a little confused. "It's wards! It's not backwards! It's wards!!" That made me laugh right out loud and his enthusiasm for what I saw to be such a little thing impacted the rest of my morning. Try it. It's amazing what a little laughter can do.
4. Lie down and "melt like butter". Seriously, close your eyes and start at the top of your head. Imagine every part of you in turn, melting like butter. This is something I used with my children when they had a stomachache or a headache. It worked like magic to get the pain under control and they  were better able to rest.
5. Get up and move! Just 5 minutes is all it takes. Just a little walk down the street or around your office or around your house if that's all you can manage. Movement helps the blood to flow and aids in clearing your mind and heart of stress or emotional distress. Get that blood pumping and you'll begin to feel a little better.
6. Express gratitude. I know it probably sounds a little trite. But have you tried it lately? Write a thank you note. Send a text. Make a phone call. I'm sure there's someone who's graced your day with kindness. Make a list of blessings, of all the things that are going right in your life. Make a list of all the people you love and appreciate. It's a "love lift" for your heart. "It's not happy people who are grateful, it's grateful people who are happy." I have no idea who said that, but I really like it!
7. Practice awareness. Have you noticed the sun come out behind the clouds? Noticed the simple beauty of a field of flowers? Felt the rain on your face? Noticed how warm your heart feels when someone gives you a hug or holds your hand? Have you listened to the laughter of the neighborhood children or taken time to take in the scent of your favorite lotion or your spouse's cologne or perfume? How about savoring that luscious bite of ice cream or the crazy yummy taste of that slice of homemade bread? Tune in. Engage ALL of your senses. Be completely aware of your surroundings and what's going on around you. And while you're at it...breathe long and deep.
8. Listen. All around you there are people who are worse off than you are. You hear it on the news, see it all over social media, probably have some friends or neighbors going through a pretty difficult challenge. Let your heart feel that compassion. If it's someone close, express your love and desire for their circumstances to improve. Find someone to pray for. Prayer is healing not only for the one needing the healing, but also for the one doing the praying.
9. Spend time with your pet. Animals have a way of providing comfort and peace. They are quick to curl up in your lap and their love is unconditional. They just love you because you are. If you have a pet, let them spoil you with love and attention. It's as good for them as it is for you. 
10. Do something nice for yourself. Nope, that's not selfish. It's called excellent self-care. Take time out for a bubble bath, a warm shower, a good book, a long walk, a piece of chocolate, a favorite movie, time with a friend, a hobby...anything you like and appreciate. Don't let yourself get lost in the crowd. When everyone else comes first, you don't "come at all". You're never last. You'e just forgotten...sitting on the shelf of life waiting for attention. If you don't give it, no one else will. It's not anyone else's responsibility. Try it. Every day. Your heart, your mind, your family, your coworkers and your inner child will thank you!

Looking forward in anticipation of the next phase, the better circumstance, the easier times, truly is the biggest thief in life. Don't let anticipation steal your happiness or well-being. There is always something to smile about. 

Find it!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Drowning in Truth

When I was a child, I loved to sing; not because I thought I was any good at it...it just made my heart happy. It wasn't an obsession; I just put my heart and soul into every opportunity to let the notes burst out of my mouth and ring in the air. As a Primary child (in the LDS faith), I really enjoyed learning the words to, and singing new songs. Music class in elementary school was a highlight of my week. I looked forward with great anticipation to inviting my parents to the concerts scheduled in the spring each year, at which we performed the songs we had memorized and worked to perfect under the direction of some patient and somewhat hopeful music teachers.

The evening of my sixth grade concert was no different. I arrived on time and waited patiently in the classroom feeling super pumped about the chance to shine brilliantly for my family in this performance! As we left the classroom and headed into the gym to take our assigned places on the bleachers, I couldn't stop the excitement I felt from bursting into a smile that betrayed my eleven year old attempt to appear calm and composed. "A word of caution", whispered the skinny dark haired girl to my left. "You can move your mouth, but don't let any sound come out. You don't sound so good when you sing". And suddenly, I didn't feel so much like singing. Ever. Again.

This is a hard subject for me to write about. It's not about singing; it's about all of the things that come to mind, many of which are too painful for me to share. Some are traumatic and bring to the surface emotions that easily get out of control. There are a few that are embarrassing; and no matter how hard I work to convince myself that I've learned and changed because of choices I've made or difficult experiences I've had,  my mind and heart are again flooded with horrible feelings of shame. Like the rest of you, my life is filled with moments and choices that I'm not proud of...that I'd really rather forget. There are also physical flaws, personal problems, weaknesses, emotional and physical scars, and devastating losses that sit as comfortably with me as a herd of elephants in my "room of life". I used to feel like a pile of mismatched emotional and physical pieces and parts organized and carefully put together to create the best outcome one could expect "with what was available". But not anymore.

I've decided to get real and swallow some humbling practicalities:

• What you think of me is none of my business: No one knows my story, my thought processes, the deepest desires of my heart, or my real intentions. And I need to be at peace with that. Life is too short to worry about what someone else might be thinking about how I look, how I act, how perfect I am or am not, whether or not I deserve the life I have, the car I drive or the home I live in. The only one who can rightfully judge me is God. I am His business.
• What I need to change about me...is up to me: Yes, there are probably more than a few annoying things about my personality, my lifestyle, my habits and even my attitude. But "if it's to be...it's up to me". If I don't want to change, don't see a need for change, or can't see a way to change, that's mine; and the responsibility for any fall-out is mine.
• It's not good to hang around toxic people: They have too much influence on my thinking and my emotional health, and hinder my ability to act and/or react independently of their self serving rules and expectations.
• My weaknesses can actually be used as strengths: Emotions such as fear and anger can actually fuel a desire in me to take a necessary action I may not have had the courage to take otherwise. My shyness (yes, I'm somewhat shy) helps me to be better about reaching out to people who may feel anxious or intimidated by new surroundings or experiences. 
• Change is hard, but so rewarding: Instead of beating myself up about things I don't like about me, I can figure out how to change and be kind to myself in the process. The payoff is usually much more than I imagined it could/would be. To look back and see how far I've come is an amazing, encouraging experience. And the good news is I only have to compare my past self to my present self...it doesn't matter who is better or not up to par with my own progress.
• Hard stuff is an unchangeable part of my story: We all have secrets, parts of our history, our challenges, and our physical makeup that we don't usually want to make public. But, we can't deny them or pretend they just don't exist. Sloths are the slowest mammals on earth. They average movement of about 125 ft in a single day. While it might be really frustrating to hang around those painfully slow creatures, if I understood the reason for their behavior (their lean herbivorous diet demands that they conserve energy) I might be a little more understanding and sympathetic...cut them some slack. Likewise, some of my physical attributes, my traumatic experiences, my character flaws may be less than desirable, but if I choose to embrace them...cut myself some slack...it's a little easier to find the joy and enjoy the journey.

I now recognize AND embrace the fact that all of the trauma, the embarrassment, the shame, my choices and life experiences, my character weaknesses and physical flaws, my losses, and my physical and emotional scars have been significant AND essential to my becoming who I am today. They are MY truths, held permanently in place by pillars of self-compassion, unbreakable courage, relentless vigilance, and unbelievable strength. I am proud to be the culmination of the past, present, and future chapters of the story of my life. I pledge to own it and honor it in all of it's imperfection and unfairness, and uncertainty.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I Was Meant To Be With You

When I was in elementary school, my family moved around a lot. Before I'd finished 6th grade (middle school, or junior high as it was called back then, included grades 7-9), my family had lived in 2 different states, 3 different communities and 5 different homes...and I'd attended a total of 5 schools. I was a shy child who didn't connect with friends very easily; this made life a bit complicated, which in turn gave me great anxiety. I didn't have the wherewithal to question my life's circumstances, nor did I feel I had much choice in the matter. "Keep your mouth shut and go with the flow"...that was my "self-talk" from a very early age. "Take what life throws at you", I told myself, "and whatever happens, happens. Don't make waves. Keep the peace. Put a smile on your face and hope for the best". 

While sitting in Mr. Eagan's 5th grade classroom at the close of one pretty ordinary school day, I took a piece of paper and a pencil from my desk, and randomly decided to calculate the ages of all the members of my family the year I was to graduate from high school; there were 8 of us, including my two parents: hmmm...47, 44, 24, 21, 18, 16, 12 and 8. Wow! My parents will be old! And that was that. It never entered my mind to go a little further down that road: And then what? What will I do after high school? What occupation will I be interested in pursuing? What kind of car will I drive? Where will I live? Who will I marry? How many children will we have? What will I be like when I'm as old as my parents? There was very little in the way of pondering and planning; life was not an adventure over which I had any say, but rather something that happened to me...something to be endured.

When I actually graduated from high school, I felt lost. The prospect of adulthood had toyed with me, but came upon me as unexpectedly as a cat ending his game of chase with a sudden pounce of sheer determination and exact precision. Circumstances forced me to take actions I was ill prepared for, and I was thrown head first into the unbridled whirlpool of my reality.

I attended a community college with no end game in mind. I took classes that would still leave me unprepared for a solid future; every day was the same...get up, go to class, go home and study, work at a minimum wage dead end job for a few hours, go home and go to bed. I "lived" for the weekend, but even then I really had no idea what to do with myself. A friend and I decided to attend an out-of-state junior college. I obtained the application, filled it out, turned it in, and got accepted. But I never went; I hadn't even thought far enough ahead to consider how I'd get there, let alone how to pay for it.

Fast forward thirty-five years, in which time I'd survived a lot of crap and trauma, loved with all the intensity my heart had to offer, and matured well past the age my parents were when I'd graduated from high school. But in all that time, I never dreamed. I never planned. Life happened...I just took it as it came, an hour, a week, a year at a time, anxiously watching it unfold from the sidelines.

Until about a year ago...

I'm not sure what happened...maybe it's the realization that over half a century of my life has passed...the majority of my mortal existence is done and gone. Perhaps I'm too old to be so afraid of the unknown anymore. Or I suppose, it's because I've learned there's no room for regrets. Whatever the case, I've come to the realization that it's never too late to take the reins. I'm never going to be too old to dream...to make something  specific happen in my life. I choose to be the master of my fate. Me and my destiny...we were meant to be together. My dreams are now much different than they would have been in my youth. The door of opportunity is in a different location, and the road to success has changed course, but I have an opinion, a desire, a say in how the rest of my life plays out. And, I can't wait to see how it all comes together! (My ten year old self would be so proud!)

I'm all in! Are you with me?

She's Never Coming Back

I've heard the term "mid-life crisis" pretty much all of my life. As a teenager, I really couldn't wrap my brain around what that meant. In my early 20's I understood what it meant, but thought it was a little ridiculous that someone well into their adult years would suddenly feel unsettled with where they were in life and make drastic changes to be or do something different. Now I'm in my 50's; while I'm not freaking out and acting crazy trying to recreate myself, I have over the past 5 years pondered deeply "when my life comes to an end, what will I be remembered for? What will be my legacy? What difference or impact will I have made in my little cobweb covered corner of the world?" And I think I've found the answer. I want to be a leader. 

In my youth was painfully shy; the last thing on my mind was the possibility of being a leader in anything. I was a skinny kid with buck teeth, horn rimmed glasses, mousy brown shoulder length hair and the personality of a flea bitten dog...uncomfortable in my own skin, easily distracted, and not much fun to be around.

In my early adult years, I was fearful; afraid of change, afraid to stretch and try something new. I was apprehensive about jumping into anything hard, risky, unknown, or demanding. I was committed to stand firm and unmovable in the confines of my comfort zone, and avoided anyone who suggested stepping out of it, like the plague. My life was miserable, but at least it was predictable.

Five years ago life as I knew it came to an end; I was forced to stand independently, to think solely for myself, to make life changing decisions on my own, to take risks, to face the unknown. I stared fear in the face, courage became my new best friend, and desperation to avoid drowning in the tumultuous sea of life became my driving force. 

Eleven months ago, I came up on a business opportunity that intrigued me. It sounded like enough of a challenge to be adventurous and rewarding, but not too overwhelming. I jumped in "head first" with the enthusiasm of a young child let loose in a Disney theme park, feeling like my "pot of gold" lay just on the other end of a gloriously breathtaking rainbow. Very quickly, however, I realized just how naive I was in my thinking and in my approach.

It didn't take long before discouragement and disappointment set in; I felt sheepish, and several times nearly crumbled at the feet of failure and humiliation. But there was one tiny spark inside me that seemed to shout "Don't you quit! It's not over yet! Hang on! You can do this! Just wait and see!" So I hung on. Every single day I got out of bed and spent time trying to decide what to do differently. I fought hard against discouragement and depression and frustration and anxiety and fear. Some days I felt hopeful, but most days I felt like the mountain was too hard to climb. And then one day I came across this quote: 

BAM! It was like a switch flipped inside my head and I had a complete change of mindset. No one (including myself!) had the right to tell me I couldn't succeed. Yes, I was a long way from success. Yes there was SO MUCH I needed to learn. Yes, there was a ton of work to be done. Yes, there was a mountain of changes to make. Yes, it was going to be hard. But most importantly, IT WAS GOING TO BE WORTH IT!!

Now, nearly an entire year later, the mountain is still a mountain. But I choose to focus on the ground right in front of me instead of looking up to try and see how much longer it's going to take or how much further I have to go. I choose to greet each new day with a "to do" list, and each new week with a few simple goals to get me a little further up the mountain. I choose to be accountable to myself...to follow through with what I said I would do...even if no one else heard what I said. I choose to have a positive "can do" attitude and pick myself up and dust myself off when I miss the mark. I choose to be happy doing what I'm doing and grateful for the opportunity. I choose to face my fears and set the ground work for others to follow my lead. I choose to share what I've learned and continue to have an attitude of always seeking knowledge. I choose to be an inspiration to others instead of a hindrance. I choose to be responsible for my thoughts, my actions and my attitude. I choose to smile and talk to people I don't know. I choose to "bloom where I'm planted". I choose to change and I choose to grow.

It's not an accident...I'm no longer who I used to be. And the "old me" is never coming back. As you can see in the photos above, I've obviously made changes to my physical appearance, but one can hardly help but notice the happiness, peace, contentment and confidence that has come to me over the past 5 years, the result of changes in my thinking, my daily habits, and my emotional health.(FYI these are all selfies taken with my phone; none are the work of a professional). Change is hard. It requires the sacrifice of time and effort, and giving up a piece of yourself in exchange for something even better. It happens slowly, a little here and a little there, barely noticeable until one day you can look back and see just how far you've come. You have to pay the price. You have to do the work. And most of the time only you will notice. But no one will be more surprised, more at peace, or more grateful than you with the result of the work you've done. It's such an amazing journey!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

If the World Was Blind

In September 2016 I had an interesting experience:

From my journal:

"I attended my mom's ward today (I'm LDS or Mormon as some refer to us and our congregations are divided into wards. You are assigned a ward depending on where you live within certain boundaries). In Relief Society (the women's organization that meets during the 3rd hour of church) the lesson was on honesty and how we can improve in our personal lives.. By direction of the instructor, the discussion turned to being honest with ourselves.. She stated that she felt impressed while preparing the lesson, that she should do an activity...that someone in attendance would need to hear what was being said. She asked that we move ourselves into pairs so each of us would have a partner. I was in a group of 3 and voluntarily moved to sit with a woman who was sitting alone. The instructor gave us the following instructions: The woman on the left was to remain silent and write down the things the woman on the right said for a period of 45 seconds. The woman on the right was to look directly into the eyes of the woman on the left and tell her what she saw in them. I was on the right. At first I was a little nervous and uncomfortable; however, I was soon humbled and so grateful for the experience as I felt I was truly looking into her soul. Some of the things I saw were kindness, confidence, a wonderful sense of humor, a great love for those around her (especially her family), and a deep connection with her children...which was amazing as I had never even seen her before this experience (I found out at the end of the meeting that she too was visiting that day).

When the time was up, we switched and she did the same with me. She saw that I was peaceful, had a great depth of character, was service oriented, selflessness, wise, compassionate, non-judgmental, willing to connect, and kind. 

At the end of this experience, the instructor said "What you saw in each other's eyes, is what God sees; the truth of who he knows you to be and loves". It was a surprisingly emotional experience that I will never forget.

Sometimes in life, there is too much emphasis on beauty, fame, and fortune. We as a society, tend to look up to, and admire, those who are "model material", whose looks outshine the rest. We put those who have the "perfect shape" and the "perfect size", with the "perfect hair" and "perfect teeth", on a pedestal worthy of the gods. We look to, and aspire to be like, those who "know it all" and "have it all". We want to "grow up and be just like them". And unless/until we are...just like them, we treat ourselves, and anyone else who doesn't fit the mold, as less than the dust of the earth, while peering over our shoulders to make sure the "target" doesn't move too far out of our sights. It's an easy trap to fall into.

I don't know where you fall in this whole scenario, and it doesn't really matter to me what your answer is. But let me ask you this...If the world were blind, how many people would YOU impress? Where is your focus? What positive character traits are you working to develop? What weaknesses and bad habits are you looking to abandon? Are you known for your kindness...or are you one to be avoided? Do you have a good work ethic or are you lazy and full of excuses? Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen or looking to cheat the system and pull the wool over people's eyes? Are you patient in heavy traffic or do you tend to take your frustration out on the vehicles on the road around you? Do you race to take that parking spot someone else was trying to get into or do you pass and look for something else?  What kind of reputation do you have with you family? Your spouse? Your children? Your employees? Your employer? Your church congregation? 

Not one of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. But sometimes we get set in our ways, and for one reason or another, feel validated in our treatment of others. The golden rule still stands. Treat others as you wish to be treated by others. It takes patience. It takes courage. It takes humility. But it's worth the effort so as to enjoy the fruits of your real and honest intent...to be recognized for the kind of person you are, for your heart, rather than your looks, your fortune or your fame.

One day at a time. One step at a time. One habit at a time. One trait at a time. It's never to late to change. But nothing changes...if nothing changes.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Had I Not Swallowed Pieces of Hell First...

I know I'm not alone, but looking around sometimes I feel like it. In the secret corners of my mind I sometimes feel bullied by the cruelty of life. Heart wrenching experiences of my own, topped with those of people I love fiercely, sometimes threaten to hurl me far past my tipping point into the vast bottomless pit of despair. And the minutes and hours just keep ticking away as if to mock my inability to withstand the force. One sucker punch, one blindside, one flattening after another, sometimes life doesn't even allow me to catch my breath; and the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be nothing but another freaking freight train.

Adversity. It's real. And sometimes it's harsh. However:

• Adversity is a true test of one's strength. In my most difficult experiences I have come to realize I choose whether to be defeated or make a triumphant come back. 
• Adversity is educational. There is much to be said about learning from the hard knocks of life. I've learned so much about myself, what I'm really capable of overcoming, how to make better choices, and that healing really does take place if I'm patient and willing to ride out the storm.
• Adversity can destroy or strengthen relationships. In my personal life I have experienced first hand the benefits of clinging to others who are equally affected by a trial, working to love, support and comfort one another vs the loss of relationships due to one or the other retreating into bitterness or denial.
• Adversity develops patience. Going through tough times of my own, reminds me to be patient with others. Rarely do we know what other people are going through because we all have a tendency toward keeping things under wraps; you know the drill..."put your public face on, and "smile all the while" lest you become the uncomfortable focus of attention. 
• Adversity teaches us compassion. When I hear of another woman having a miscarriage, learn of the separation in a marriage, observe the rebellious attitude of a child toward their parents, see someone struggling to pay the bills...my heart hurts for them because I've been there.
• Adversity teaches us to be grateful. Tough times help me appreciate the good times. When life is rough, I'm so grateful for periods of time without struggle. I welcome the peace that comes after a stretch of discord or turmoil. Broken relationships, loss of loved ones to death or estrangement, deepens my appreciation for time spent with those I may otherwise take for granted. The cold and dark dreariness of winter makes my heart burst with delight for the warmth and light of spring. A bout of illness promotes in me a humble recognition of the blessing of good health.

You see,  had I not swallowed pieces of hell first, never could I have known the taste of heaven. It's all about embracing the harshness of life for the reward of enjoying it's treasures.

I'm all in! Are you with me?