F.E.A.R.

I haven't posted in awhile. There's been far too much drama trying to creep into my life and I'm exhausted from fighting to keep it out. I'm much too old and much too focused on making the best of my remaining time here to get wrapped up in such crap. There is absolutely no room for selfish words, toxic behavior, or ulterior motives in my life. I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to learn better ways and protect my own personal sense of well-being on every level.

This past week has been difficult as the 7th anniversary of a traumatizing and life changing event came calling like an unavoidable guest sitting on the front porch of my soul. My husband of then 26 years attempted suicide in a brutally horrific manner, losing nearly 1/2 of his blood in the process and ultimately failing in his attempt. It's painful for my heart and mind to relive the ordeal, but so healing emotionally to see just how far I've come in those 7 years. I seriously doubt the shock and pain will ever go away, but they do seem to have decreased in intensity with time, for which I am most grateful. I've done SO much hard work emotionally, in therapy and on my own. But, ultimately the progress has come due to the passing of time and the love and patience of my Father in Heaven as He's taught me how to shift my mindset, learn how to move forward, and accept the responsibility I have to forgive. Forgiving is a process, but I'm profoundly aware that it's more for my good than for the good of those I am asked to forgive.

Yesterday was my day to celebrate the "new" me with my #noFEAR theme...Forget Everything And Remember...remember who I am, where I've come from, the grace of God that has lead me to where I am today, and how incredibly thankful I am for the journey. My eldest daughter joins me in this day long event each year; amazingly, it was her idea to start this tradition 3 years ago and it has been one we will continue to treasure together. The day is always started with breakfast at a favorite restaurant where we enjoy an unhurried meal and an opportunity to revisit the "event", talk through the pain, and celebrate our victories in overcoming and healing through the past year. She is a wise soul and I cherish the fact that we have become dear forever friends. After breakfast, we find meaningful ways to spend our time reminiscing, and planning how we will move forward in the coming year. Her insight and perspective are amazing and I always leave at the end of the day wishing it would never end.

While there are individuals I've shared my story with, for the most part it's a secret I've kept to myself. Shame, and the guilt of disclosing the details of someone else's story have prevented me from going public. But, it's a part of me, a chapter in the story of MY life, and MINE to learn and heal from, as well as an opportunity to open my heart and offer true empathy and compassion to those who may have similar experience. Oh how I wish I'd had someone to turn to in the midst of my mess, someone who knew exactly what I was feeling, what I was thinking, how fear and anger, and confusion and guilt and shame swallowed me whole and threatened to ultimately destroy me. My life would have been blessed to know someone else who had survived it and come out with hope and healing and faith and courage on the other side.

Now that I'm on the other side, I'm humbled and grateful to know I can potentially be that person for someone else. And today, the burden and heaviness of secrecy is lifted as I openly share here. I am free. I am healing. And I am grateful for all I've learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life. I have a deep scar that will never go away, but I wear it without shame. It's a beautiful reminder of my strength, my courage, and the continued growth of my inner child toward the  beautiful, capable, and amazing woman she is becoming, and having so much to offer in the legacy I can now leave for those who come after me. And thanks be to God for His amazing love and patience, and for His grace He so willingly extends to me, a daughter He so valiantly fights for.

As my "new" year begins, I feel hopeful and renewed. I am becoming more and more appreciative of the good that comes from the difficult trials I experience in life. I am gaining courage and confidence in my ability to conquer and overcome the boulders of adversity that sometimes overwhelm me with setbacks and discouragement. And I'm ready to again move forward without delay.

I'm all in my friend! Are you with me?

When You Step Up to the Door...and It Closes and Locks Right In Front of You

Blindside. Holy cow. I couldn't prevent it. I couldn't prepare for it. And...I barely have the strength to recover from it. It flipped my world upside down and backwards, and wreaked havoc with my heart and mind, sneaking in with such stealth that I couldn't anticipate the force of its awful blow.

I can barely function. It feels like the emotional equivalent of a severe stomach flu. I feel like I'm glued to my mattress when I first open my eyes to the bright sunlight pouring through my window in the early morning hours. And I resist the idea of going to bed at night until I can barely hold myself upright, because I don't want to have to get up again in the morning. My thoughts weigh heavy on my depression saturated brain. Surges of intense sadness savagely overwhelm me, and sudden bursts of tears, as if on cue, race down my cheeks and drip all over my freshly washed clothes.

I am a mess. Instinctively I want to be left alone. But the intensity of the loneliness inside me is insane. I'm so weary mentally and emotionally, and physically, that I can't think or not think. I know that's so contradictory. But it's the truth. I can't keep my mind in the present moment. But I can't stop thinking about what happened. There are a million things I should be doing, but I can't make sense of any order or priority.

Time is critical, but it passes in an uneven cadence. Sometimes minutes seem like days, and days seem like minutes. I find I must dig deep and be motivated to keep going because life changing decisions are staring me in the face. When I look ahead, I'm filled with a sense of urgency, but I long for the day of peaceful realization that everything has fallen into place with life settled into a predictable pattern of familiarity. I want full disclosure of the outcome, but dread the process that will eventually lead me there. I am filled with anxiety; I can't afford to do nothing, as that will lead to even more stress and overwhelm in the coming weeks. And no one else shares in the responsibility of making those decisions. I stand completely alone. I have no one to blame if I sink, or if I swim.

I hate doing this by myself. It's an overwhelming thing to shoulder the future alone. Unlike the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books my children used to read, determining which page to turn to next in this chapter of my life leaves me feeling a little very apprehensive; one wrong turn and I may get caught in the unintentional demolition of my carefully thought out plans. One more drastic plot twist just doesn't work for me at this point.

So every day I choose to get out of my bed. I choose to kneel in prayer to petition God for strength, and guidance, and peace. I choose to shower and get dressed, put on my makeup and fix my hair. I choose to go for a walk so I can clear my head for just a few minutes to focus and prioritize, and plan how to best manage my time. I choose to sit with my emotions instead of stuffing them down into the bottomless pit of hopelessness and despair. I choose to avoid the temptation to waste time scrolling on social media, or mindlessly binging on Netflix drama. I choose to eat well and avoid junk food. I choose to keep myself hydrated. And I choose to believe someday I will look back and see the beautiful lessons and blessings that will surely come from this gut wrenching experience.

It's hard. And it's exhausting on every level. But I'm pushing through. And eventually I'm going to be okay. I don't know how this mess is going to turn out. But one day, one choice, one action at a time will somehow eventually make it very clear.

I'm all in. Are you with me?

Don't Let it Be You

I obviously have no memory of the day I was born. However, I like to imagine it was a beautiful day, filled with gloriously warm sunshine that pierced a deep ocean blue sky.

My earliest memories are scarce, but begin about the age of 3. However, I'm not addressing memories here; I'm choosing to focus on the very day I experienced pain, and light, and cold, and hunger for the very first time.

I know what it's like to welcome a newborn into the world. I've given birth to 4 children, and will never ever forget the awe and wonder I experienced as each one was placed in my arms for the first time; staring at their precious cherub faces, admiring their tiny button noses and perfectly pink pouty lips, counting their tiny fingers and toes, all the while wondering how it was possible that I could already be so in love:

Connection

Only moments ago

I wondered who you were;

Now that I am holding you

My heart begins to stir.

Suddenly I recognize

Now that we’re together,

I would give up everything

To be with you forever.

-Karla Claybrook

Then reality sets in with little to no sleep, endless feedings and diaper changes, teething and crying, and crankiness. And anxiety. And doubt and fear, and sometimes even in the best of circumstances, a flood of "what was I thinking?" There's no handbook. And no two children are alike. And you don't have enough hands (Or elbows. Or patience). Mix in a few more children and a little a lot more chaos. Oh and suffocatingly deep dark depression...therein lies the makings of shattered dreams of too many once hopeful adolescent hearts. And most of them suffer in silence.

My mom was one of those. I didn't have the maturity to understand her suffering, but I remember vividly her frustration each time she returned from a doctor's appointment. "I'm just fat, forty, and neurotic", she'd say with disgust. Sadly, that became a sort of a joke to my dad, but I never heard her laugh about it. I know now she was probably drowning in despair. 

Unfortunately, life in our home was far from ideal. But by the grace of God, I survived. Healing has taken the majority of my entire adult life. But I can't help but look at the sweet little face in that worn black and white photo, with awe and respect, and a heart full of love and gratitude. With my whole life ahead of me, I entered the world so precious and fragile, and innocent to the reality of what lay ahead of me. And I've conquered with determination, and courage, and faith that has firmly connected my heart to the Master Healer.

That day, more than half a century ago, was indeed, an extraordinary day. It was the humble beginning of my miraculous journey to my very best self. While many experiences have been harsh, and the scars too numerous to count, I wouldn't trade the lessons or the blessings for anything this world has to offer. And I LOVE who that precious baby girl is becoming!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Are You Happy Yet? Because I'm Exhausted

It began for me about the age of seven. It wasn't a conscious decision, but a necessary coping mechanism. Experience taught me that anger was ugly and sometimes terrifying. "Just keep everyone happy" became my silent mantra. This was a way for me to try and maintain as much control of my emotional environment as possible. Little did I understand how much of that control I was actually letting go of as my efforts eventually backfired, and my walls of personal protection eventually became a prison of self-inflicted powerlessness:

• I never had an opinion. Well, yes I did...but it changed with every person I had a conversation with. I was afraid of what they will think of me.

• I never had preferences, because I didn't want to stand out, all bare naked on the beach of popular consensus.

• I consistently hid behind my resentment, pretending all was well in my little corner of the world; I'd much rather keep the peace than drown in a colossal wave of confrontation.

• I constantly apologized, as though I'd yet to earn the air I breathed or the space I occupied.

• I never advocated for myself, because I felt unworthy of such compassion.

• I always avoided saying "no" because I panicked at the thought of making someone angry, or leaving them in an unresolved precarious dilemma.

• I consistently pushed myself to exhaustion because everybody was counting on me.

• I always proceeded with caution around people who seemed on edge, to avoid an explosive outburst.

• I constantly felt the need to explain myself.

• I frequently and  willingly, "took the blame" to keep the peace.

• I habitually criticized myself to make others look better or feel more worthy.

I felt so insignificant, and incapable. I couldn't see even one thing I had that might make a difference in the life of a single individual, let alone the world. I felt insecure around other people, who often appeared to have everything going for them. And that added greatly to my feeling that I was the lonely unfortunate victim of perpetual unhappiness and worthlessness. "It is what it is" was the message I fed my heart daily as I resigned myself to a skewed sense of a severely unfair fate over which I had no control.

Fast forward nearly 45 years. Through a series of events, I came to the realization that something had to change. Or I was going to self-destruct. It was overwhelming trying to decide where and how to begin. I spent a lot of time wandering around in my head, trying to decipher the code that would set me free. And I discovered the secret was with me all along. SELF-COMPASSION.

It was a huge struggle at first. I was so used to beating myself up emotionally, calling myself names like stupid, idiot, and sorry excuse for a human being. Because I lacked confidence, I sometimes undermined my efforts to succeed and I looked for excuses to convince myself I shouldn't even try. I was in the habit of focusing on everything wrong and negative in my life and diligently sought out people who would join my pity party. But, I found within me, the tiniest flicker of hope that maybe deep down there was enough courage pure and worthy, that would counteract the poison of doubt and discouragement that incessantly echoed in my head.

With practice, I learned to feed myself emotionally, with positive thoughts. I dug deep to find and claim my good qualities...kindness, a great sense of humor, trustworthiness, hard working, and loyalty to name a few. Every day, I looked for a positive quote that I could use to replace the loud overwhelming messages that frequently roared out of the lion of negativity in my head. I made a conscious effort to be graciously accepting of compliments from others, acknowledging the possibility that they could see something good within me I hadn't yet found. And I made a habit of cutting myself some slack when I did something stupid or embarrassing.

It's all getting easier with time. And I've discovered I'm much more like my own best friend than my own worst enemy. I still experience uncertainty, emotional and physical pain, hardship, discouragement, and fatigue. But there is happiness in my heart, a smile on my face, light in my eyes and peace in my soul. I actually love myself and who I'm becoming.

I'm a believer in self-compassion. And dedicated to making it priority for the rest of my life!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

God Has Granted Me That Blessing!

It's July and life has thrown me a curve ball once again. I'm beginning to see a pattern here. In July 2013 circumstances changed so drastically in my (chronically unhealthy) marriage that I finally separated myself physically, so I could heal myself emotionally. There's a whole lot of backstory there, but I'm not willing to share it here. Not much has changed in 6 years, so we are still separated.

In July 2016, I once again found myself in an upheaval of life circumstances, and moved out of state. It was an adjustment as I'd been in the same community for nearly 40 years. Moving to new surroundings brings a new "culture", and the task of getting to know people and places and new routines. It can be a bit overwhelming, but I had the luxury of time, and wonderful people, and beautiful scenery on my side. It didn't take long before I felt like I'd actually come home.

Now, here I am in July of 2019. Just a little over a month ago, life dealt me a few major blows...all at once. I'm now in my late 50's, seeking employment at minimum wage while trying to get a business off the ground, empty nesting by myself because I'm married to a man who is completely disconnected, and yet again, on my way to a brand new start in another community I am unfamiliar with. How does that sound for fair? It's not. My dad always said "Life wasn't meant to be fair". That was such an annoying thing to hear when I was young, But being a short 11 years from the age he was when he passed away, I see with more mature eyes and mind the truth of his unsolicited wisdom.

It's so easy to feel victimized by the mountains of adversity that suddenly appear out of nowhere; when there's no way to go around, instead of up and over such unpredictable and unfamiliar, treacherous, heaven bound peaks of affliction...especially when they appear to have lined up in a range of never ending pain and struggle. But it happens. So what are you gonna to do?

I used to feel sorry for myself. Spread the word like jam to bread, to anyone within earshot. It didn't matter if I knew you or not, if I thought you cared or not. My lamenting empowered my victim mentality, and I felt validated in my misery. But that, my friend, did nothing for getting me through the hard stuff. It trapped me in a mindset that served me about as well as quicksand.

Complaining was toxic. It actually made things look worse in the long run. I found it easy to blow things out of proportion. And the worse they appeared, the worse I felt. It became a viscous cycle. I fed my complaints, which in turn fed my negativity. My focus was so fixed on could and should, that my anxiety went through the roof. I lost my perspective, bypassing my ability to look at what I could and couldn't control, leaving me in a spin of anger, sadness, disappointment, and self-pity. And to what end? Unnecessary stress and complete misery.

You want to know what works better? Staying in the present moment. Shutting my mouth and opening my mind AND my heart. Counting my blessings. That's a crock of poop to some of you. But it's the poopy truth. STOP. BE STILL. QUIT COMPLAINING. Sit down. Pick up a pen and put it to paper. Write down all of the good things in your life...the people that love you, the things that are going right, the positives that get you through the day. Stop lying to yourself and to everyone around you. Take off your crown drama queen. And get real. Your mom was right. There ARE people in this world who are A LOT WORSE OFF than you.

Yes, I'm taking my own advice. I've discovered good things about this new mountain I'm climbing:

• I'll always have a roof over my head. God has granted me that blessing.
• Regardless of how my husband does or doesn't feel about me, I'm surrounded by people...friends and loved ones...who love and adore me. God has granted me that blessing.
• This is an opportunity to meet new people. I LOVE people! God has granted me that blessing.
• I'm up for a fresh start! God has granted me that blessing.
• I have an opportunity to learn new skills. God has granted me that blessing.
• I'll be able to shop at my favorite grocery store! God has granted me that blessing.
• I have a car that runs well. God has granted me that blessing.
• If I need them, there are multiple modes of public transportation. God has granted me that blessing.
• I'll have a whole new pool of contacts for networking in my business. God has granted me that blessing.
• 3 of my 4 children, and all of my grandchildren will be a short 2 hours away. God has granted me that blessing.
• I will still be close to the mountains I have come to love! God has granted me that blessing.
• I will be surrounded by family support. God has granted me that blessing.
• I will have my own safe space. God has granted me that blessing.
• I won't have to battle with loneliness. God has granted me that blessing.
• I am filled with tremendous inner peace. God has granted me that blessing.

Reality is, everyone has hard stuff. Everyone has a story. But it's not a competition. We don't need to outdo others with the details of our hardships, our traumas, or our day to day problems. We need more compassion...for ourselves and for each other. But it has to start with you. And with me. I'm committed to calling on my courage, climbing without complaint, and extending compassion to myself and my fellow earthlings. We are all in this together!💜

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Stop Pretending You're Not Angry

When I was a child, I was afraid of anger. The wrath of an angry parent caused a fear in me that I attempted to avoid at all cost. An angry outburst from a sibling or a friend, left me feeling anxious, and extremely apologetic for whatever or whomever made them furious, as though it were my fault. My own feelings of anger caused heavy unbearable feelings of guilt and shame that I didn't know how to handle. In my young mind, anger was evil and destructive.

It wasn't until a few years ago that I learned anger is a "secondary" emotion. In other words, it's a cover up or a mask for true feelings, emotions like fear, jealousy, frustration, sadness, guilt, and powerlessness. Any one of these, when unprocessed, are masked with the naturally human emotion of anger. And anger can actually be manifested in a few different ways:

• Aggression: Anger manifests as direct and forceful. The person's voice becomes louder, and they can be physically intimidating. They are often confrontational.
• Passive-Aggression: Anger manifests as silence, pouting and sulking, or incisive sarcasm, blame of others for mistakes, and complaining about others behind their back.
• Suppression: Anger manifests through impatience, silent unexpressed resentment, depression and/or moodiness, and physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches and sleep problems.
• Assertiveness: Anger manifests through expressed frustration without blame, threatening, or intimidation, honest acceptance of responsibility for mistakes, and willingness to forgive and leave other's mistakes in the past.

I've learned to see anger differently as of late. It no longer makes me feel uncomfortable, guilty or ashamed. I've learned it can actually be a healthy emotion when dealt with in an appropriate manner. (See ASSERTIVENESS above). Here are a few things I've learned:

1. Sit with it. Let it be. Feel it. Acknowledge it. Own it.
2. Define your trigger. What happened? What was said? What's the real emotion behind the anger? Sadness? Shock? Jealousy? Powerlessness? I find it easiest to do this through writing in a journal. And I'm completely honest with myself...no holding back. Don't let your emotions hide. They need a voice. They need full acceptance. Take your time.
3. Make a plan of action. Who do I need to speak with? Hint: It should be anyone directly involved with whatever happened/was said. Don't gossip. It will come back to bite you in the face. Sadly, I know that from experience. What do I need to say? Truthfully. Don't downplay or ignore the thoughts and feelings you honestly need to express. Write it down first so you know where the conversation needs to go. That way you won't get sidetracked and bring up the past. Stay on topic and be willing to work out a mutual resolution.
4. Deal with the emotion. Practice some self-care. Go for a walk or a run, do some coloring, take a nap, soak in a warm tub, snuggle with your pet, do some deep breathing and/or meditation. This could take a few minutes or a few days. Give yourself time. Don't be in a rush...but don't let it sit inside you and boil. Healing requires action. And intentional, appropriate action takes time.
5. Go have that conversation. Yes, it's hard. And necessary. Go in peace. Put a smile on your face and kindness in your heart. Stay out of the mindset of attacking, blaming, being intimidating or confrontational. Be honest and forgiving. Set a clear boundary. Then let it go. And move on.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Have Some "Self" Compassion

It Just About Sent Me Into Orbit

The past week has been filled with anxiety. About a lot of different things. Life is rough at best right now. But for the first time in my entire existence...I am not afraid. Fear has driven me since I was a little girl. My fear was warranted then, but I got stuck in fear and that's pretty much how I got to my present circumstances. Are  you a little baffled by that? Keep reading:

I chose easy classes in high school because I was afraid of what the smart/popular  kids would think of me (I was very unpopular and took a lot of emotional beating). I chose to go to a community college because I was afraid to attend a university. I chose to study something really easy and not very challenging because I was afraid of failing. After I married, I chose not to take a stand with my husband about continuing his education (he had an Applied Science degree at the local community college) because I was afraid of confrontation. This led to 30+ years at a low income job that cursed our family with severe financial struggle. My marriage has been difficult and lonely, but I chose to stay because we had 4 children and I was afraid I couldn't manage to support them or myself. And then, my world exploded and I realized I could never do enough or be enough to satisfy him and I left him anyway. We've been separated 6 years now and nothing has changed; except now we are both scrambling for economic security. I'm in hot pursuit of my opportunity for financial freedom, but it keeps magically disappearing like the pot of gold at the end of an elusive rainbow.

It's empowering to lose the fear! I'm a changed person. But the depression and anxiety hang on like an unwanted heavy winter parka in the summer heat. The depression sneaks up on me. And I can keep it at arm's length for the most part. But anxiety nearly eats me alive...and this week it nearly sent me into orbit. I've been planning a road trip since the end of March. Back to my hometown of more than 40 years. It creates a little anxiety to go back, but for the most part I'm like a kid at Christmas with the thought of reconnecting to some of the people who have my heart. And today was the day I was scheduled to leave. But...I'm home typing this blog for you to read on my computer.

Yesterday, I was packing and preparing for my week long adventure. And I felt a little anxiety, but it was doable. I expected the nervous feeling as I was anticipating a 8-9 hour drive and that's a little much for my body and my brain to handle...but completely doable. I also had the worry in the back of my brain that my car was making a weird little noise whenever I turned my steering wheel to the left for the past couple of weeks. But I'd had it checked out and nothing was found. I took that as a good sign and moved forward with my plan. I also had a few a mountain of other things pressing on me that have nothing to do with my trip. But I was doing my best to just set those on the back burner and deal with them with I get home. Because I can.

The anxiety grew with every passing hour. But I just attributed it to anticipation. About 3 o'clock in the afternoon it sky rocketed. And I was a mess. I'd gone running a little earlier and took the feeling of heaviness in my chest as a sign I needed to use my inhaler (I have asthma). Checking in with my peak flow meter confirmed that would probably be a good idea. It helped some but not enough for me to dismiss what I was feeling. And my anxiety just kept growing by the minute. I finally just knelt down and prayed (I'm a firm believer that God hears and answers our prayers. In fact, I approach prayer with the expectation that I will get a response...especially if it's an immediate need). I had so much I was worrying about that I just went down the list..."Is it this? Or this? Or this? Or this? And please would you help me feel peace...make my anxiety go away when I get to "the right one"? And then I laid down on the floor and "listened". But I didn't "hear" anything. And I was at a loss. 

At 3:45 I got in my car to give my sister-in-law a ride to her connection for transportation to a city about 2 hours away. My car seemed okay as I drove, but I immediately received my answer..."This! Your car." It was now making that noise no matter which way I turned and sometimes even when I wasn't turning at all. And the slight vibration I'd been feeling was more noticeable but not really concerning. When we stopped, I couldn't fight the sinking feeling that my car really was not safe to drive and called my mechanic.

By the time I got to the repair shop the noise was almost alarming. Driving for just 15 minutes had made a significant difference. I waited about an hour and then got the sobering diagnosis: Immediate repairs were needed for the steering rack/pinion and the transmission mount. It would take an entire day and my trip would need to be postponed. My head was hurting and I was exhausted from the emotional drain of the overwhelming anxiety I'd been feeling. But, the anxiety was gone. I actually felt that peace I'd been pleading for in my prayer. God had heard me and gave me a response. And the really amazing thing is...I had nowhere else to go yesterday. All day. Had I not gotten in my car to take my sister-in-law to her destination, I would never have known. Until I got in my car this morning to begin my drive. And I might have been without cell service. And I'd have to rely on tow service. And I'd likely have to find a motel. And I'd be two days delayed instead of just one. And how would I know if I could trust the mechanic who ended up doing my repairs? And my brain just keeps going with what if? 

So dear reader, sometimes anxiety can be your friend. Sometimes it's a protection or a warning. Sometimes it will keep you from danger...or from having to deal with bigger more worrisome problems that could have been prevented. Learn to listen. Learn to breathe. Learn to be mindful and present so you can figure out the source of your anxiety instead of ignoring it or pretending it's not really there. It may be trying to send you a message. Pay attention...then let it go on it's merry way.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

What Am I Supposed To Do?

If you know anyone who suffers with depression and/or anxiety, you know it's pretty easy to feel helpless when it comes to knowing what to do or say to break through their very real dark heavy cloud of despair and worthlessness. It can be the source of a lot of stress and worry when someone you care about is suffering so deeply on the inside. If you could destroy it, or at the very least remove it from them and take it on yourself  it would be so much easier than watching them disappear into nothingness. Even though you can't fix it or take it away, there are a few things you can do to help:

• Start by asking if they're okay. Sometimes it's very obvious to you from their flat affect (showing no emotion) or their body language, but asking them right out breaks the silence that might otherwise eventually suffocate them. It's easy to be fearful of saying the wrong thing, but don't be. Once you ask that important question, shut your mouth. Listen with your ears, your mind and your heart. Make eye contact and be engaged. 
• HEAR what they have to say. Save your advice for later. Don't be thinking about what to say next. Don't try to solve their problems. Don't try to talk them into feeling better. You don't' have to agree with them about the things they express, but you do need to try to understand their point of view. 

• Ask open ended questions. How are you feeling? What can I do for you? What would be helpful in the time that we spend together?

• Offer support and encouragement. But don't expect for that to be the magic "fix all" solution. They aren't going to suddenly "snap out of" their bout of depression.

• Don't be uncomfortable or awkward with their silence. Even if they choose to say nothing you're sending the message that you care just by sitting still and being present.

• Be kind and accepting. Don't make judgmental statements or make them feel guilty for how they're feeling. People can't "make" themselves feel better. 

• Make yourself available to spend time with them. They might just sit in a corner with their headphones in, sleep, be unwilling/unable to engage in conversation, veg in front of the TV, or stare blankly at the wall. But having someone with them can bring a sense of comfort...whether they express/admit it or not.

• Encourage them to seek professional help. The first time someone suggested I needed therapy I was offended. I thought therapy was for crazy people. And I wasn't crazy. But the decision I made to reach out to a therapist for help was one of  the best decisions I ever made. And I continue to seek help anytime I find it necessary. Because I'm worth it. Because I deserve it. Because the people who love and care about me deserve it.

• Take any thoughts or talk about suicide seriously. Don't brush them off, encourage them to keep it a secret, or ask them to ignore those thoughts/feelings. It's okay to talk about it! You need to be okay with letting them talk about it! DON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE IF THEY FEEL UNSAFE. If you feel they are in immediate danger, don't hesitate to call 911.

Depression is real. It's an illness. No one deserves it. And no one should deal with it alone. If you have depression, if you love someone with depression, there's help. Don't hide it. Secrecy and silence are poisonous and destructive. Talk about it. Listen when others talk about it. Educate yourself about it. Don't ignore or pretend it doesn't exist. Let's work together to bring it out into the light. Your getting involved can't make it go away...but if it can prevent even one person getting sucked into the hopelessness and despair that leads to suicide don't you think it's worth it?

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Making The Connection

Depression is a monster. Most people don't know this about me, but I've suffered with mild to moderate bouts of depression throughout my life. The rearing of it's ugly head is usually situational for me...childhood abuse, bullying in middle school and high school, three harsh and lonely decades of being the single parent to my four children (married to a "checked out" man), dealing with toxic relationships, health issues, deaths of loved ones, and traumatic suicide/suicide attempts of people I love and care deeply about...and it sucks the living daylights out of me.

A few times I've been on medication. But the stigma of taking meds (as in "Really? You need to get over yourself. It's people like you that drive up the insurance rates!" Yes. Someone actually said that to me) convinced me it was a cop out so I quit. No meds. No coping skills. No support. Nowhere to turn. And I was a mess. I started envisioning myself driving into oncoming traffic. Not just once in awhile, but almost every single time I got in the car to go anywhere. And once when I visited Crater Lake in Oregon, I stood on the rim and considered "falling in". But I couldn't do that to my three children who were standing right there beside me. The next day I sought professional help.

More commonly, I have periods of time when it just hangs around, hovering like a pesky wasp waiting for exactly the right moment to go in for the sting. I can feel it staring me down. It's just under the surface mocking my will to keep functioning, in spite of the battle to resist crawling back in my bed, and burying myself in the comfort of my deceivingly safe little world of "I don't give a crap".

Learning to live with depression is tricky. *I do not advocate "no medication." Depending on the form and severity of their depression, some people require medication. If that's you take it! And stay on it! Even when you're feeling really good. Even when you think it's not working. And work closely with your medical professional to maintain the optimal dosage. 
My depression has been manageable with therapy and laser focused self-care:

• Exercise is essential. I know. It sucks to get out and do anything when depression is in your face. But I'm telling you, from personal experience, moving your body releases "feel good endorphins" and enhances your sense of well-being. It also helps to distract your attention from your worries and feelings of emotional overwhelm. You don't have to go to the gym and work up a sweat for an hour; just a slow five minute walk will make a difference.
• Therapy has been extremely helpful for me. It takes time to find a good therapist so don't settle for just anyone. These are the things I look for in a good therapist:
• Do they take your insurance?
• Are they taking new clients?
• Do they specialize in/have experience working with clients with depression?
• Do they offer tools for helping you cope with your triggers?
• Are they willing to educate you about what you can do to help yourself?
• Do they offer links to outside support (groups, classes, articles, websites etc)?
• Do they have the mindset of helping you to "graduate" OR keeping you coming back to replenish their bank account?
• Are they personable?
• Do they listen/validate you?
• Remember they work for YOU. You are HIRING them to help you. If they don't meet your needs/expectations "FIRE" them and move on to someone else!
• Sleep is an ongoing issue. When I'm in the midst of a bout of depression (but functional) I avoid bedtime like the plague...for the simple reason (though it doesn't really make sense when I try to explain it) that I don't want to have to get up the next day. Of course staying up and avoiding sleep altogether is pointless and just makes life more unbearable. I have to work hard to get my brain off of that track and just do the best I can to force myself to go to bed anyway. I've found doing whatever I can to improve my sleep habits (especially when I'm feeling good) does make a difference. 
• I like to take a warm shower before going to bed. Just standing under that warm water and letting it cascade down my entire body really helps me feel more relaxed.
• I've discovered if I eat anything past 7pm it very much affects my sleep. I'm restless, have weird dreams, and feel much less inclined to get up the next day. It's a vicious cycle. So I just don't go there.
• I love to pray before I go to sleep. I just kneel by my bed and let all of my thoughts and feelings out...no holding back. Many times that starts a cascade of tears, but I don't mind as that release also helps me feel more relaxed.
• Sometimes I write in my journal before I get in bed. I used to write down all of my thoughts, but I've discovered just writing down things I'm thankful for works much better for a good mindset before sleep. Sometimes it's a whole page, but more often than not it's just one or two simple expressions of gratitude.
• I also love to watch or listen to something uplifting before bedtime rolls around. A show on TV, a movie, a podcast, a YouTube video, a TED talk...there's so much good we can access to fill our minds with peace and comfort. A little uplifting goes a long way for a weary heart and soul.
• Pay attention to what you eat. If you're like me, when depression hits you just want to stuff your face...or eat nothing at all. There doesn't seem to be a middle of the road. Nutrition is an important factor in how you feel physically, and emotionally as well. Sounds weird right? But let me explain:

• Your brain and your digestive system are connected...literally. The vagus nerve runs from the base of your brain down your spine and into your abdomen. It's connected to several parts of your gut, including your stomach and intestines, and relays information from your gut to your brain. Since 90% of serotonin (a chemical naturally produced by your body that promotes well-being and happiness...among other important functions) is located in the gut, gut health and diet can positively or negatively affect your mood. This is not to say your depression will be cured through your diet, but you certainly can alleviate your symptoms to some degree with some healthier eating habits.

I hope you've found this helpful. I'll be posting here with more helps with depression at least weekly. Please feel free to reach out if you have questions or would like me to focus specifically on something you're struggling with. DISCLAIMER: I'm not a medical professional. I don't diagnose or suggest/facilitate treatments of any kind. I'm here to offer support and share my experience in the hope that it will be a benefit to someone who, for one reason or another, has suffered in silence. We're in this together! No more going alone.

I'm all in! Are you with me?