Stop Pretending You're Not Angry

When I was a child, I was afraid of anger. The wrath of an angry parent caused a fear in me that I attempted to avoid at all cost. An angry outburst from a sibling or a friend, left me feeling anxious, and extremely apologetic for whatever or whomever made them furious, as though it were my fault. My own feelings of anger caused heavy unbearable feelings of guilt and shame that I didn't know how to handle. In my young mind, anger was evil and destructive.

It wasn't until a few years ago that I learned anger is a "secondary" emotion. In other words, it's a cover up or a mask for true feelings, emotions like fear, jealousy, frustration, sadness, guilt, and powerlessness. Any one of these, when unprocessed, are masked with the naturally human emotion of anger. And anger can actually be manifested in a few different ways:

• Aggression: Anger manifests as direct and forceful. The person's voice becomes louder, and they can be physically intimidating. They are often confrontational.
• Passive-Aggression: Anger manifests as silence, pouting and sulking, or incisive sarcasm, blame of others for mistakes, and complaining about others behind their back.
• Suppression: Anger manifests through impatience, silent unexpressed resentment, depression and/or moodiness, and physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches and sleep problems.
• Assertiveness: Anger manifests through expressed frustration without blame, threatening, or intimidation, honest acceptance of responsibility for mistakes, and willingness to forgive and leave other's mistakes in the past.

I've learned to see anger differently as of late. It no longer makes me feel uncomfortable, guilty or ashamed. I've learned it can actually be a healthy emotion when dealt with in an appropriate manner. (See ASSERTIVENESS above). Here are a few things I've learned:

1. Sit with it. Let it be. Feel it. Acknowledge it. Own it.
2. Define your trigger. What happened? What was said? What's the real emotion behind the anger? Sadness? Shock? Jealousy? Powerlessness? I find it easiest to do this through writing in a journal. And I'm completely honest with myself...no holding back. Don't let your emotions hide. They need a voice. They need full acceptance. Take your time.
3. Make a plan of action. Who do I need to speak with? Hint: It should be anyone directly involved with whatever happened/was said. Don't gossip. It will come back to bite you in the face. Sadly, I know that from experience. What do I need to say? Truthfully. Don't downplay or ignore the thoughts and feelings you honestly need to express. Write it down first so you know where the conversation needs to go. That way you won't get sidetracked and bring up the past. Stay on topic and be willing to work out a mutual resolution.
4. Deal with the emotion. Practice some self-care. Go for a walk or a run, do some coloring, take a nap, soak in a warm tub, snuggle with your pet, do some deep breathing and/or meditation. This could take a few minutes or a few days. Give yourself time. Don't be in a rush...but don't let it sit inside you and boil. Healing requires action. And intentional, appropriate action takes time.
5. Go have that conversation. Yes, it's hard. And necessary. Go in peace. Put a smile on your face and kindness in your heart. Stay out of the mindset of attacking, blaming, being intimidating or confrontational. Be honest and forgiving. Set a clear boundary. Then let it go. And move on.

I'm all in! Are you with me?