The past week has been filled with anxiety. About a lot of different things. Life is rough at best right now. But for the first time in my entire existence...I am not afraid. Fear has driven me since I was a little girl. My fear was warranted then, but I got stuck in fear and that's pretty much how I got to my present circumstances. Are you a little baffled by that? Keep reading:
I chose easy classes in high school because I was afraid of what the smart/popular kids would think of me (I was very unpopular and took a lot of emotional beating). I chose to go to a community college because I was afraid to attend a university. I chose to study something really easy and not very challenging because I was afraid of failing. After I married, I chose not to take a stand with my husband about continuing his education (he had an Applied Science degree at the local community college) because I was afraid of confrontation. This led to 30+ years at a low income job that cursed our family with severe financial struggle. My marriage has been difficult and lonely, but I chose to stay because we had 4 children and I was afraid I couldn't manage to support them or myself. And then, my world exploded and I realized I could never do enough or be enough to satisfy him and I left him anyway. We've been separated 6 years now and nothing has changed; except now we are both scrambling for economic security. I'm in hot pursuit of my opportunity for financial freedom, but it keeps magically disappearing like the pot of gold at the end of an elusive rainbow.
It's empowering to lose the fear! I'm a changed person. But the depression and anxiety hang on like an unwanted heavy winter parka in the summer heat. The depression sneaks up on me. And I can keep it at arm's length for the most part. But anxiety nearly eats me alive...and this week it nearly sent me into orbit. I've been planning a road trip since the end of March. Back to my hometown of more than 40 years. It creates a little anxiety to go back, but for the most part I'm like a kid at Christmas with the thought of reconnecting to some of the people who have my heart. And today was the day I was scheduled to leave. But...I'm home typing this blog for you to read on my computer.
Yesterday, I was packing and preparing for my week long adventure. And I felt a little anxiety, but it was doable. I expected the nervous feeling as I was anticipating a 8-9 hour drive and that's a little much for my body and my brain to handle...but completely doable. I also had the worry in the back of my brain that my car was making a weird little noise whenever I turned my steering wheel to the left for the past couple of weeks. But I'd had it checked out and nothing was found. I took that as a good sign and moved forward with my plan. I also had a few a mountain of other things pressing on me that have nothing to do with my trip. But I was doing my best to just set those on the back burner and deal with them with I get home. Because I can.
The anxiety grew with every passing hour. But I just attributed it to anticipation. About 3 o'clock in the afternoon it sky rocketed. And I was a mess. I'd gone running a little earlier and took the feeling of heaviness in my chest as a sign I needed to use my inhaler (I have asthma). Checking in with my peak flow meter confirmed that would probably be a good idea. It helped some but not enough for me to dismiss what I was feeling. And my anxiety just kept growing by the minute. I finally just knelt down and prayed (I'm a firm believer that God hears and answers our prayers. In fact, I approach prayer with the expectation that I will get a response...especially if it's an immediate need). I had so much I was worrying about that I just went down the list..."Is it this? Or this? Or this? Or this? And please would you help me feel peace...make my anxiety go away when I get to "the right one"? And then I laid down on the floor and "listened". But I didn't "hear" anything. And I was at a loss.
At 3:45 I got in my car to give my sister-in-law a ride to her connection for transportation to a city about 2 hours away. My car seemed okay as I drove, but I immediately received my answer..."This! Your car." It was now making that noise no matter which way I turned and sometimes even when I wasn't turning at all. And the slight vibration I'd been feeling was more noticeable but not really concerning. When we stopped, I couldn't fight the sinking feeling that my car really was not safe to drive and called my mechanic.
By the time I got to the repair shop the noise was almost alarming. Driving for just 15 minutes had made a significant difference. I waited about an hour and then got the sobering diagnosis: Immediate repairs were needed for the steering rack/pinion and the transmission mount. It would take an entire day and my trip would need to be postponed. My head was hurting and I was exhausted from the emotional drain of the overwhelming anxiety I'd been feeling. But, the anxiety was gone. I actually felt that peace I'd been pleading for in my prayer. God had heard me and gave me a response. And the really amazing thing is...I had nowhere else to go yesterday. All day. Had I not gotten in my car to take my sister-in-law to her destination, I would never have known. Until I got in my car this morning to begin my drive. And I might have been without cell service. And I'd have to rely on tow service. And I'd likely have to find a motel. And I'd be two days delayed instead of just one. And how would I know if I could trust the mechanic who ended up doing my repairs? And my brain just keeps going with what if?
So dear reader, sometimes anxiety can be your friend. Sometimes it's a protection or a warning. Sometimes it will keep you from danger...or from having to deal with bigger more worrisome problems that could have been prevented. Learn to listen. Learn to breathe. Learn to be mindful and present so you can figure out the source of your anxiety instead of ignoring it or pretending it's not really there. It may be trying to send you a message. Pay attention...then let it go on it's merry way.
I'm all in! Are you with me?
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