It's More Than My Heart Can Take And The World Just Keeps On Spinning

Loss is harsh. We've all been through it...divorce or break up of a relationship, death of a pet or loved one, the sale of a treasured family home, retirement or being laid off from a job, the onset of life-changing health conditions. a miscarriage...

And following loss comes the stages of grief:

1. Denial: "This can't be happening to me"
2. Anger: "Why is this happening to me?"
3. Bargaining: "Please don't let this happen to me...take it away and I will ________"
4. Depression: "I'm overwhelmed with debilitating sadness"
5. Acceptance: "I'm at peace with what has happened/is happening"

Grieving is different for everyone. There are many factors such as coping style, personality, life experience, faith, and the significance of the loss. Some people begin to feel better in weeks or months, but sometimes it takes years before healing takes place. There is no normal...it just is what is for each and every individual. It takes time, and requires patience.

But what if your loss is ambiguous...as in it doesn't allow for closure? Such might be the case for instance, for those who deal with infertility, aging parents with dementia, the loss of a loved one through suicide or estrangement, those abandoned by a parent, or whose loved one is plagued by addiction or a brain injury to name a few. Persons experiencing such a loss are usually left with a feeling of not knowing how to move forward, and often live with feelings of uncertainty, sadness, confusion, guilt, anxiety, or doubt. How does one cope with "frozen" grief?

• Don't pressure yourself to just move on: Take one day at a time. While there is no closure, there is hope for learning how to "carry" your grief. It may be necessary to seek the help of a professional, especially if it affects your ability to function, or if you seek to escape through addictive substances or harmful behavior.
• Seek support from loving, open minded, non-judgmental friends or family members.
• Take REALLY good care of yourself: Good self-care is imperative. Keep yourself well balanced physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 
• Ask for and accept help when needed: Your support people are good for lending a listening ear and offering a shoulder to cry on...but don't underestimate their willingness to help with errands, offer assistance with child-care, or bring in meals to help lift your spirit and lighten your heavy load.
• Remember you are not alone: We don't always know another person's story. I stumbled across this quote by Helen Keller recently. It speaks volumes:

• Don't "stuff your pain". Let the tears fall. Sit with the sadness, and the hurt, and the anger, and the grief. Be realistic about the fact that "it's not OK". It may never be OK. It's unfair and it sucks. But someday, with time, and patience, and healing, you will be OK.
• Don't dwell on the "if only", or "what should have been", or "what might eventually be". Stay in the present. Focus on the here and now. There is so much that is out of your control. Put your effort, and your thinking, and your energy on what's in front of you and keep moving forward. It's a lot harder than it sounds, but it's so essential to your healing and your well-being. 

I know from painful personal experience that ambiguous loss is devastating and ugly, but accepting it can provide one with strength and resilience, allowing them to move forward despite the pain. There is so much in life that is beautiful, amazing, endearing, and so worth the effort we must put forth to find it.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Thank Heaven For Tuesday

Last week I had an important event to attend. I got up early enough to allow plenty of time to get ready because I really wanted to look and feel my very best. I took an extra long hot shower, then carefully applied lotion to my then well hydrated skin. I conditioned my hair and purposefully enhanced it's natural wave, giving a little more body to my thin silver highlighted locks. I carefully applied my makeup, and took extra time to consider the clothes I would wear. It all came together perfectly, and with plenty of time to spare.

Breakfast for me every morning is a protein shake...one cup of almond milk or juice from select vegetables run through my juicer, six ice cubes, some flax seed, a little dark cocoa, and a scoop of my favorite protein powder. On this particular day, as I prepared to mix the ingredients in the blender, something fell out of the cupboard above and sent the container crashing to the floor...after it splashed all down the front of my perfectly put together attire.

Deep sigh. 

Some days are like that. Dealing with sick children, unmet deadlines at the office, traffic jams, insufficient funds in the bank account, fender benders, missed appointments, disagreements with a significant other, ruined meals, disappointing news...a single occurrence or multiple happenings in a day, can sometimes make you wish you'd stayed in bed and pulled the covers over your head.

And sometimes LIFE is like that...for weeks or months or years at a stretch! 

The good news is...Monday is followed by Tuesday, the weekend/days off come at the end of a long exhausting week, spring is a welcome sight after a long dark winter, a night of rest/sleep comes at the end of the day...there's always a new chance, a fresh start, a welcome do-over.

Here are some things to ponder and consider:

• DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN "PERFECTION": Just do your best and internalize the fact that your "10" is good enough. Roll with the punches, work your way around the boulders, move ahead slow and steady. Progress is progress!
• GET GROUNDED: Try to think rationally. Don't let other people tell you how to live your life. "Delete" and "backspace" exist for a reason. There isn't a shortage of erasers. You have the right to change your mind or your course. You alone are the author of your story.
• CELEBRATE THE SMALL VICTORIES: Every day you're going to have wins and losses. Focus on what went right and let the rest go.
• CHANGE UP YOUR ROUTINE: Take a different route, do things in a different order, stop doing what doesn't work, replace the "people pleasing" behaviors, be spontaneous, stop the madness!
• STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE: Make a move, take a risk, do something scary, be a little unpredictable!
• DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF: Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break. Pat yourself on the back. Be your own best cheerleader!
• FOCUS ON YOUR PASSION: Do what you love...and love what you do!
• BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF: Success, healing, change...they all take time...and a lot of patience. Begin where you are and take one step, one day, one experience at a time. The rest will follow.
• TRUST YOUR GUT: God gave us instincts for a reason. Use them.
• DON'T MAKE EXCUSES: If it's important to you...you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse. Ultimately it's all up to you.

Most importantly, remember you are NOT alone! Being human is a challenge. We are all in this together. Take life one day at a time and be grateful for the good and the joy and the blessings! The rest is water under the bridge.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I Am Thankful Thorns Have Roses

Several years ago, my family moved into a new house with no yard, located in a windy, sage brush laden desert of a neighborhood. For obvious reasons, everyone who had previously moved in to this fairly new development, chose to lay sod instead of planting seed. We were warned about the hazards of attempting to "grow a yard vs laying sod" in such precarious conditions, but were determined to save money and chose the seed route instead. It was fall, and preparing the ground for planting took a lot more time and patience than I had anticipated, but we persevered with the endless tilling and raking of the rock filled sandy soil until it was just right. 

With the seed finally planted, we began the process of waiting anxiously and with eagerness, for a sign that our efforts had paid off. Surprisingly, I found myself quite intrigued with the prospect of new growth, and often laid down on the walkway leading to our front door to more closely examine the fruits of our labor. And one day, my heart exploded with excitement when I observed the first tiny shoots of green boldly burst through that tediously prepared soil. 

All too soon, winter came and snow quickly covered our sparsely covered "lawn". We could only hope that it survived with a good chance of thriving in the spring. As winter came to a close, and the snow began to disappear, I cheered with delight when I noticed the grass in our yard had grown to be thick and healthy and lush...truly a most beautiful sight for my eyes to behold. Grass, which I had always taken for granted, quickly became something I more deeply appreciated.

I oftentimes find myself "going through the motions of life". Sometimes I have to remind myself to get out of "auto pilot" and engage my senses. Do you ever just sit quietly and really open your eyes to what's around you? Recently, I took my 4 year old grand daughter on a walk to the grocery store. I was inspired by her wonder and curiosity of all there was around her in the short distance we covered. We stopped for some time to observe butterflies hovering in a patch of flowers, watched with amazement as a young man skillfully operated a piece of equipment with a remote control to smooth a plot of dirt to perfection in preparation for a new piece of construction, we tested and celebrated our amazing balancing skills on the curb of the sidewalk, and chattered happily about cute bouncy puppies and kittens.

How long since you've opened your ears to the sounds around you? My heart sinks in sadness at the sound of an ambulance siren, knowing someone is not faring so well due to illness or accident, while evoking in me a sense of gratitude for my own physical well-being. The chirping of birds, the buzz of a bee, the wind softly whistling through the trees put a bounce in my step and a song in my heart. The laughter of children, the whirring sound of cars tires against pavement, the happy chatter of voices waiting for the movie, an orchestra performance or a dance recital to begin, reminds me to reflect on and appreciate human connection.  The sound of silence sometimes blares so loudly that tears and loneliness intrude upon my sense of peace and calm, while invoking a greater sense of appreciation for the support of family members and friends I have in my life.

Do you "feel" yourself walking, lifting your heel and then your toes, then in such perfect rhythm setting them back on the floor in front of you? Or watch your fingers as they obediently type or text a quick message? Do you appreciate the perfect rhythm of your beating heart, or the synchronized breathing of your lungs?

Do you stop to savor the sweet succulence of a juicy piece of fruit, the creamy texture of your favorite pasta sauce, or the heavenly satisfaction of a fudgy chocolate brownie? Are you conscious of every bite you take, present in the moment of enjoying a long awaited meal?

There is much to behold and discover and appreciate in every day life, but we tend to get caught up in the fast pace, the stress of deadlines, or the harsh realities of painful or difficult situations.

Here are some things that have helped me to stop the madness of life and enjoy the its more subtle beauties:

1. EMBRACE YOUR CREATIVITY: I know, you  think you aren't creative, but I beg to differ. Every time you open your mouth to tell someone about the crazy, dramatic, exciting, or unfair details of your life you are drawing on your creative powers! You are constantly shaping and reinventing the story of you life. Once you come to terms with that reality, you're much more likely to think of yourself as a creative genius! So go with that and you decide...what story are you going to create today?
2. LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH LESS LIMITATIONS: You know...the hesitation to try something new or different, the fear of how people might perceive you, that overwhelming urge to be in control, that "box" of predictable and safe and sane. Get rid of them. Step out and be spontaneous. Make up a bucket list of simple things, and another of things that might stretch you a bit, that you think would bring some fun or some adventure into your life and MAKE THEM HAPPEN! If I've said it once, I've said it a million times...Life is too short for regret!
3. SEEK BEAUTY IN THE MUNDANE THINGS OF LIFE: Yes, rainbows, and skydiving, and breathtaking landscapes, and amazing artwork can be glorious to behold. But sometimes beauty is found in the moments and places we least expect it...the tiny fingers and toes of a newborn baby, the feel of freshly laundered sheets, the fragrance of a gentle summer rain. the blossoming of a sunflower, or the wrinkles in the soft aging skin around your grandmother's eyes.
4. SEE LIFE THROUGH A SERIES OF "FIRSTS": Imagine being able to hear music, see vibrant colors, taste chocolate, smell bread baking in the oven, or use your arms to hug someone for the very first time. There's so much we take for granted because it's what we've always known. 
5. PRIORITIZE YOUR PASSION: We are sometimes so caught up in a world of deadlines and things we think must be done, and putting so much time and energy into having everything done to perfection, we sometimes forget to make the things we love to do a priority. If you're easily distracted, schedule out a block of time to do only that which you WANT to do. It may only be 30 minutes or an hour, or more, but left unscheduled it may never happen.
6. FOCUS ON THE GOOD AND POSITIVE IN LIFE: It's so much easier to dwell on the negative, unfortunate, difficult, obnoxious details of life. Give your mind and your heart a break. Keep a gratitude journal, make a happiness list, or consciously look for the positive, uplifting, faith promoting happenings of the day. It will change your mindset and your perspective!

Life is a mix of good and bad, happy and sad; reach for the joy and cherish the simple charm and delight of each new day. 

I'm all in! Are you with me?

There's a Reason Eggnog Isn't Available All Year

Christmas of my 8th grade year was one I will always remember. My dad was an archery enthusiast. He had all kinds of bows, he designed his own arrows, and he got the whole family involved with target practice. My younger sister was especially thrilled with the idea of someday having her very own bow, as there were 5 kids in our family still living at home to share with. 

That year, a tall, somewhat narrow, but not very deep box with this particular sister's name on it stood propped against some larger presents under the Christmas tree, boldly calling upon the growing, wild curiosity I struggled to ignore. I wanted desperately to know what was in that box, so I relentlessly pestered my dad...until he JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

"I'll tell you", he said in a voice of exasperation. "But you must promise to keep it to yourself."

"Oh I will!!", I said with a little more enthusiasm than I should have.

"It's a little ironing board. But don't tell."

It's a what? I said this quietly to myself because, well you know, it must have taken some "ingenious creativity" to come up with that one (can you hear my sarcasm?)...and I was secretly relieved it didn't have MY name on it.

"It's an archery bow!" I ran immediately to tell said sister in an attempt to get her really excited for nothing. "But don't tell anyone I told you."

I'd kept my promise to my dad, and  accomplished my goal of lighting the fire of anticipation in my gullible younger sister. Sadly, she was to be miserably disappointed, but we'd cross that bridge when we got to it.

Well, heaven must have been smiling down on me, because Christmas morning eventually arrived; and inside that magical box, was the bow my sister had been dreaming of! (My dad was a bit wiser than my 13 year old self gave him credit for).

I'm a sucker for anticipation! I love the days and weeks leading up to Christmas, my birthday, or a long awaited vacation. When my children were little, they were eager, as most children are, for holidays, the beginning of summer break, birthday parties and long awaited and carefully planned events. But I always found myself telling them..."Don't wish the time away! The thing you are looking forward to will come and just like that (snapping my fingers) it will be done and over with! Enjoy the anticipation!"

It seems that in our world of instant gratification, there isn't so much appreciation for looking forward to something, being giddy with excitement, feeling your heart beat a little faster as you wait for something wonderful to take place. But there are actually some really great benefits to anticipation: 

Stacey Kaiser, an editor of Live Happy magazine and a licensed psychotherapist says, "Anticipation alerts all of the pleasure centers in the body and says wake up, which can create happy feelings." Looking forward to something causes our brains to release hormones along the brain's reward system pathway.

So sometimes we have to intentionally create and prepare for anticipation. Here are a few things I've found helpful: 

1. DELAY GRATIFICATION: This doesn't come naturally in our culture of credit card purchases and express shipping of instant internet purchases. It's not always wise to purchase something in the spur of the moment, and receiving it immediately kills the anticipation and the joy felt when it eventually is received. I recently chose to wait with great anticipation for nearly a week for something I wanted "yesterday". The joy I felt when I finally received it was indescribable! 
2. PLAN SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO: Details for holiday celebrations, birthdays, vacations, events can all be prepared in advance. It doesn't need to be extravagant to be meaningful. When my children were young we made paper chains to "count down the days until...", planned ahead for summertime outings (trips to the public library, swimming, time with friends, picnics, day trips etc), and saved money by filling the piggy bank with spare change for "special treats". Now that they're adults, we still plan ahead and anticipate time and meaningful activities together. 
3. PRACTICE PATIENCE: Get comfortable with sitting in traffic, waiting at the Dr's office, standing in the check out line, receiving those long awaited test scores, hearing back from the contractor...and teach children to do the same. Patience is a precious commodity.

Anticipation is a lost art. It requires practice. It builds character. It creates a sense of happiness and joy and contentment.

I'm all in! Are you with me? 

Did That Really Just Happen?

You know those moments when you want to hide under the table, crawl under the carpet or just disappear into thin air? Yeah, me too:

• One day, when I'd been married for about 5 years, I decided to make cornbread...something I'd done many times before. After I'd added all of the ingredients and prepared to put it in the oven, I caught a glimpse of the can of baking powder and noticed it said "double acting". Immediately I envisioned the cornbread expanding and overflowing all over the floor of the oven as it baked for the time indicated in the recipe. I decided to call a friend, who cautiously admitted she'd never heard of double acting baking powder. I hung up and called another friend...and another and another and another, each of whom responded with the same non helpful "I have no idea what to tell you" response to my ever growing dilemma. I finally decided to call an elderly neighbor lady who listened intently to my frantic query. "All baking powder is labeled as double acting my dear" she said. "Put it in the oven and let it bake. It's all going to turn out fine."
• One day while working in the warehouse of a department store I was running a ticketing machine that, with the push of a button, printed, cut and pinned the price tag to items of clothing to be sold in the store. I allowed myself to become distracted and carelessly ended up with a straight pin going through my right index finger just above the first joint. I turned to my supervisor and told her what happened and then I passed out.
• While attending a meeting for the women of a church congregation I have never attended before, some of my extended family members and I (we were all visiting) were asked to stand and introduce ourselves. My aunt, who was sitting next to me, stood and introduced herself and then sat down. And then in a weird semiconscious sort of way I stood and introduced myself...as my aunt!
•  In a crazy moment of unrealistic expectation, I took my 2 preschoolers and my newborn with me on a "quick" trip to a department store to purchase myself some new pajamas. It took some searching, but I managed to find what I needed. I realized I'd taken a little too long when I heard a little voice merrily chanting at the top of their lungs "tampon, tampon, tampon-tampon-TAMPON!"  I immediately felt sorry for the poor mother of that child...then suddenly realized it was one of mine! (Note: said child had found a tampon in my diaper bag weeks before this incident, asked what it was, barely listened to my response, and skipped away to play. Ugh)

These are just a few of my embarrassing moments, but not my most embarrassing...I don't share those with the general public! 

Embarrassment usually stems from accidental behaviors, "violations of social standards", that lead you to have negative thoughts about yourself. In my experience with embarrassing situations, I can't help but feel like everyone present is as preoccupied with the situation as I am...all eyes on me, all brains quickly forming judgement, and tongues wagging furiously to compare notes or inform those who may have missed out on the "show". It's awkward and sorely uncomfortable. But it's a part of life...no human being is immune to embarrassment! It's driven by a disconnect between how we perceive we should respond and act in public vs. how we actually do respond and act in public. And getting through it can be most challenging. But here are a few things I've learned that make it a little smoother:

• Don't avoid the situation. Sit with it. Take a deep breath. It's best to talk yourself down and try to relax. Sometimes I can laugh it off. Sometimes I have to just be  still and keep my mouth shut to prevent the tears from overflowing. It likely will still sting, but will be a little more bearable.
• Don't apologize...unless you actually did something wrong. Apologizing unnecessarily over and over again, just makes the situation more awkward for everyone involved. 
• Don't focus on the fact that your face turned bright red. This happens as a result of the "fight or flight" response that kicks in because your brain sees embarrassment as a threat. The veins in your face and neck dilate to allow fresh blood and oxygen to flow. Put the focus instead on your breathing; taking slow deep breaths will help immensely. 
• Shut down the shame tapes. Those thoughts of regret or beating yourself up emotionally are destructive. Bring yourself out of that loop into the present. Change the subject, or make a silly joke about what happened. Most people can easily relate to how you're feeling and will just go with it. Those who don't...you don't need them around anyway!
• Stop freaking out about how many people are still thinking or talking about what happened. The truth is most of the people in the room probably were so distracted with what was right in front of them that chances are they didn't even notice. Those who did notice, have likely moved on.  And so should you! Fire that committee in your head.
• Don't beat yourself up. Let it be what it is...an isolated embarrassing moment. Don't let it define you.

OK so obviously some things are a little easier to recover from than others; making a poor choice, an act of retaliation, speaking unnecessarily hurtful words will likely take longer to get past than, say, spilling food down the front of your shirt, or tripping over your own feet in public. But eventually you need to forgive yourself. Learn a lesson (if you've actually done something wrong) and move forward. It may take some time, but it's worth the time and effort to avoid ruining your future by obsessing and being stuck in the past.

I'm all in! Are you with me?