Don't Let it Be You

I obviously have no memory of the day I was born. However, I like to imagine it was a beautiful day, filled with gloriously warm sunshine that pierced a deep ocean blue sky.

My earliest memories are scarce, but begin about the age of 3. However, I'm not addressing memories here; I'm choosing to focus on the very day I experienced pain, and light, and cold, and hunger for the very first time.

I know what it's like to welcome a newborn into the world. I've given birth to 4 children, and will never ever forget the awe and wonder I experienced as each one was placed in my arms for the first time; staring at their precious cherub faces, admiring their tiny button noses and perfectly pink pouty lips, counting their tiny fingers and toes, all the while wondering how it was possible that I could already be so in love:

Connection

Only moments ago

I wondered who you were;

Now that I am holding you

My heart begins to stir.

Suddenly I recognize

Now that we’re together,

I would give up everything

To be with you forever.

-Karla Claybrook

Then reality sets in with little to no sleep, endless feedings and diaper changes, teething and crying, and crankiness. And anxiety. And doubt and fear, and sometimes even in the best of circumstances, a flood of "what was I thinking?" There's no handbook. And no two children are alike. And you don't have enough hands (Or elbows. Or patience). Mix in a few more children and a little a lot more chaos. Oh and suffocatingly deep dark depression...therein lies the makings of shattered dreams of too many once hopeful adolescent hearts. And most of them suffer in silence.

My mom was one of those. I didn't have the maturity to understand her suffering, but I remember vividly her frustration each time she returned from a doctor's appointment. "I'm just fat, forty, and neurotic", she'd say with disgust. Sadly, that became a sort of a joke to my dad, but I never heard her laugh about it. I know now she was probably drowning in despair. 

Unfortunately, life in our home was far from ideal. But by the grace of God, I survived. Healing has taken the majority of my entire adult life. But I can't help but look at the sweet little face in that worn black and white photo, with awe and respect, and a heart full of love and gratitude. With my whole life ahead of me, I entered the world so precious and fragile, and innocent to the reality of what lay ahead of me. And I've conquered with determination, and courage, and faith that has firmly connected my heart to the Master Healer.

That day, more than half a century ago, was indeed, an extraordinary day. It was the humble beginning of my miraculous journey to my very best self. While many experiences have been harsh, and the scars too numerous to count, I wouldn't trade the lessons or the blessings for anything this world has to offer. And I LOVE who that precious baby girl is becoming!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Are You Happy Yet? Because I'm Exhausted

It began for me about the age of seven. It wasn't a conscious decision, but a necessary coping mechanism. Experience taught me that anger was ugly and sometimes terrifying. "Just keep everyone happy" became my silent mantra. This was a way for me to try and maintain as much control of my emotional environment as possible. Little did I understand how much of that control I was actually letting go of as my efforts eventually backfired, and my walls of personal protection eventually became a prison of self-inflicted powerlessness:

• I never had an opinion. Well, yes I did...but it changed with every person I had a conversation with. I was afraid of what they will think of me.

• I never had preferences, because I didn't want to stand out, all bare naked on the beach of popular consensus.

• I consistently hid behind my resentment, pretending all was well in my little corner of the world; I'd much rather keep the peace than drown in a colossal wave of confrontation.

• I constantly apologized, as though I'd yet to earn the air I breathed or the space I occupied.

• I never advocated for myself, because I felt unworthy of such compassion.

• I always avoided saying "no" because I panicked at the thought of making someone angry, or leaving them in an unresolved precarious dilemma.

• I consistently pushed myself to exhaustion because everybody was counting on me.

• I always proceeded with caution around people who seemed on edge, to avoid an explosive outburst.

• I constantly felt the need to explain myself.

• I frequently and  willingly, "took the blame" to keep the peace.

• I habitually criticized myself to make others look better or feel more worthy.

I felt so insignificant, and incapable. I couldn't see even one thing I had that might make a difference in the life of a single individual, let alone the world. I felt insecure around other people, who often appeared to have everything going for them. And that added greatly to my feeling that I was the lonely unfortunate victim of perpetual unhappiness and worthlessness. "It is what it is" was the message I fed my heart daily as I resigned myself to a skewed sense of a severely unfair fate over which I had no control.

Fast forward nearly 45 years. Through a series of events, I came to the realization that something had to change. Or I was going to self-destruct. It was overwhelming trying to decide where and how to begin. I spent a lot of time wandering around in my head, trying to decipher the code that would set me free. And I discovered the secret was with me all along. SELF-COMPASSION.

It was a huge struggle at first. I was so used to beating myself up emotionally, calling myself names like stupid, idiot, and sorry excuse for a human being. Because I lacked confidence, I sometimes undermined my efforts to succeed and I looked for excuses to convince myself I shouldn't even try. I was in the habit of focusing on everything wrong and negative in my life and diligently sought out people who would join my pity party. But, I found within me, the tiniest flicker of hope that maybe deep down there was enough courage pure and worthy, that would counteract the poison of doubt and discouragement that incessantly echoed in my head.

With practice, I learned to feed myself emotionally, with positive thoughts. I dug deep to find and claim my good qualities...kindness, a great sense of humor, trustworthiness, hard working, and loyalty to name a few. Every day, I looked for a positive quote that I could use to replace the loud overwhelming messages that frequently roared out of the lion of negativity in my head. I made a conscious effort to be graciously accepting of compliments from others, acknowledging the possibility that they could see something good within me I hadn't yet found. And I made a habit of cutting myself some slack when I did something stupid or embarrassing.

It's all getting easier with time. And I've discovered I'm much more like my own best friend than my own worst enemy. I still experience uncertainty, emotional and physical pain, hardship, discouragement, and fatigue. But there is happiness in my heart, a smile on my face, light in my eyes and peace in my soul. I actually love myself and who I'm becoming.

I'm a believer in self-compassion. And dedicated to making it priority for the rest of my life!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

God Has Granted Me That Blessing!

It's July and life has thrown me a curve ball once again. I'm beginning to see a pattern here. In July 2013 circumstances changed so drastically in my (chronically unhealthy) marriage that I finally separated myself physically, so I could heal myself emotionally. There's a whole lot of backstory there, but I'm not willing to share it here. Not much has changed in 6 years, so we are still separated.

In July 2016, I once again found myself in an upheaval of life circumstances, and moved out of state. It was an adjustment as I'd been in the same community for nearly 40 years. Moving to new surroundings brings a new "culture", and the task of getting to know people and places and new routines. It can be a bit overwhelming, but I had the luxury of time, and wonderful people, and beautiful scenery on my side. It didn't take long before I felt like I'd actually come home.

Now, here I am in July of 2019. Just a little over a month ago, life dealt me a few major blows...all at once. I'm now in my late 50's, seeking employment at minimum wage while trying to get a business off the ground, empty nesting by myself because I'm married to a man who is completely disconnected, and yet again, on my way to a brand new start in another community I am unfamiliar with. How does that sound for fair? It's not. My dad always said "Life wasn't meant to be fair". That was such an annoying thing to hear when I was young, But being a short 11 years from the age he was when he passed away, I see with more mature eyes and mind the truth of his unsolicited wisdom.

It's so easy to feel victimized by the mountains of adversity that suddenly appear out of nowhere; when there's no way to go around, instead of up and over such unpredictable and unfamiliar, treacherous, heaven bound peaks of affliction...especially when they appear to have lined up in a range of never ending pain and struggle. But it happens. So what are you gonna to do?

I used to feel sorry for myself. Spread the word like jam to bread, to anyone within earshot. It didn't matter if I knew you or not, if I thought you cared or not. My lamenting empowered my victim mentality, and I felt validated in my misery. But that, my friend, did nothing for getting me through the hard stuff. It trapped me in a mindset that served me about as well as quicksand.

Complaining was toxic. It actually made things look worse in the long run. I found it easy to blow things out of proportion. And the worse they appeared, the worse I felt. It became a viscous cycle. I fed my complaints, which in turn fed my negativity. My focus was so fixed on could and should, that my anxiety went through the roof. I lost my perspective, bypassing my ability to look at what I could and couldn't control, leaving me in a spin of anger, sadness, disappointment, and self-pity. And to what end? Unnecessary stress and complete misery.

You want to know what works better? Staying in the present moment. Shutting my mouth and opening my mind AND my heart. Counting my blessings. That's a crock of poop to some of you. But it's the poopy truth. STOP. BE STILL. QUIT COMPLAINING. Sit down. Pick up a pen and put it to paper. Write down all of the good things in your life...the people that love you, the things that are going right, the positives that get you through the day. Stop lying to yourself and to everyone around you. Take off your crown drama queen. And get real. Your mom was right. There ARE people in this world who are A LOT WORSE OFF than you.

Yes, I'm taking my own advice. I've discovered good things about this new mountain I'm climbing:

• I'll always have a roof over my head. God has granted me that blessing.
• Regardless of how my husband does or doesn't feel about me, I'm surrounded by people...friends and loved ones...who love and adore me. God has granted me that blessing.
• This is an opportunity to meet new people. I LOVE people! God has granted me that blessing.
• I'm up for a fresh start! God has granted me that blessing.
• I have an opportunity to learn new skills. God has granted me that blessing.
• I'll be able to shop at my favorite grocery store! God has granted me that blessing.
• I have a car that runs well. God has granted me that blessing.
• If I need them, there are multiple modes of public transportation. God has granted me that blessing.
• I'll have a whole new pool of contacts for networking in my business. God has granted me that blessing.
• 3 of my 4 children, and all of my grandchildren will be a short 2 hours away. God has granted me that blessing.
• I will still be close to the mountains I have come to love! God has granted me that blessing.
• I will be surrounded by family support. God has granted me that blessing.
• I will have my own safe space. God has granted me that blessing.
• I won't have to battle with loneliness. God has granted me that blessing.
• I am filled with tremendous inner peace. God has granted me that blessing.

Reality is, everyone has hard stuff. Everyone has a story. But it's not a competition. We don't need to outdo others with the details of our hardships, our traumas, or our day to day problems. We need more compassion...for ourselves and for each other. But it has to start with you. And with me. I'm committed to calling on my courage, climbing without complaint, and extending compassion to myself and my fellow earthlings. We are all in this together!💜

I'm all in! Are you with me?