Are You Happy Yet? Because I'm Exhausted

It began for me about the age of seven. It wasn't a conscious decision, but a necessary coping mechanism. Experience taught me that anger was ugly and sometimes terrifying. "Just keep everyone happy" became my silent mantra. This was a way for me to try and maintain as much control of my emotional environment as possible. Little did I understand how much of that control I was actually letting go of as my efforts eventually backfired, and my walls of personal protection eventually became a prison of self-inflicted powerlessness:

• I never had an opinion. Well, yes I did...but it changed with every person I had a conversation with. I was afraid of what they will think of me.

• I never had preferences, because I didn't want to stand out, all bare naked on the beach of popular consensus.

• I consistently hid behind my resentment, pretending all was well in my little corner of the world; I'd much rather keep the peace than drown in a colossal wave of confrontation.

• I constantly apologized, as though I'd yet to earn the air I breathed or the space I occupied.

• I never advocated for myself, because I felt unworthy of such compassion.

• I always avoided saying "no" because I panicked at the thought of making someone angry, or leaving them in an unresolved precarious dilemma.

• I consistently pushed myself to exhaustion because everybody was counting on me.

• I always proceeded with caution around people who seemed on edge, to avoid an explosive outburst.

• I constantly felt the need to explain myself.

• I frequently and  willingly, "took the blame" to keep the peace.

• I habitually criticized myself to make others look better or feel more worthy.

I felt so insignificant, and incapable. I couldn't see even one thing I had that might make a difference in the life of a single individual, let alone the world. I felt insecure around other people, who often appeared to have everything going for them. And that added greatly to my feeling that I was the lonely unfortunate victim of perpetual unhappiness and worthlessness. "It is what it is" was the message I fed my heart daily as I resigned myself to a skewed sense of a severely unfair fate over which I had no control.

Fast forward nearly 45 years. Through a series of events, I came to the realization that something had to change. Or I was going to self-destruct. It was overwhelming trying to decide where and how to begin. I spent a lot of time wandering around in my head, trying to decipher the code that would set me free. And I discovered the secret was with me all along. SELF-COMPASSION.

It was a huge struggle at first. I was so used to beating myself up emotionally, calling myself names like stupid, idiot, and sorry excuse for a human being. Because I lacked confidence, I sometimes undermined my efforts to succeed and I looked for excuses to convince myself I shouldn't even try. I was in the habit of focusing on everything wrong and negative in my life and diligently sought out people who would join my pity party. But, I found within me, the tiniest flicker of hope that maybe deep down there was enough courage pure and worthy, that would counteract the poison of doubt and discouragement that incessantly echoed in my head.

With practice, I learned to feed myself emotionally, with positive thoughts. I dug deep to find and claim my good qualities...kindness, a great sense of humor, trustworthiness, hard working, and loyalty to name a few. Every day, I looked for a positive quote that I could use to replace the loud overwhelming messages that frequently roared out of the lion of negativity in my head. I made a conscious effort to be graciously accepting of compliments from others, acknowledging the possibility that they could see something good within me I hadn't yet found. And I made a habit of cutting myself some slack when I did something stupid or embarrassing.

It's all getting easier with time. And I've discovered I'm much more like my own best friend than my own worst enemy. I still experience uncertainty, emotional and physical pain, hardship, discouragement, and fatigue. But there is happiness in my heart, a smile on my face, light in my eyes and peace in my soul. I actually love myself and who I'm becoming.

I'm a believer in self-compassion. And dedicated to making it priority for the rest of my life!

I'm all in! Are you with me?