F.E.A.R.

I haven't posted in awhile. There's been far too much drama trying to creep into my life and I'm exhausted from fighting to keep it out. I'm much too old and much too focused on making the best of my remaining time here to get wrapped up in such crap. There is absolutely no room for selfish words, toxic behavior, or ulterior motives in my life. I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to learn better ways and protect my own personal sense of well-being on every level.

This past week has been difficult as the 7th anniversary of a traumatizing and life changing event came calling like an unavoidable guest sitting on the front porch of my soul. My husband of then 26 years attempted suicide in a brutally horrific manner, losing nearly 1/2 of his blood in the process and ultimately failing in his attempt. It's painful for my heart and mind to relive the ordeal, but so healing emotionally to see just how far I've come in those 7 years. I seriously doubt the shock and pain will ever go away, but they do seem to have decreased in intensity with time, for which I am most grateful. I've done SO much hard work emotionally, in therapy and on my own. But, ultimately the progress has come due to the passing of time and the love and patience of my Father in Heaven as He's taught me how to shift my mindset, learn how to move forward, and accept the responsibility I have to forgive. Forgiving is a process, but I'm profoundly aware that it's more for my good than for the good of those I am asked to forgive.

Yesterday was my day to celebrate the "new" me with my #noFEAR theme...Forget Everything And Remember...remember who I am, where I've come from, the grace of God that has lead me to where I am today, and how incredibly thankful I am for the journey. My eldest daughter joins me in this day long event each year; amazingly, it was her idea to start this tradition 3 years ago and it has been one we will continue to treasure together. The day is always started with breakfast at a favorite restaurant where we enjoy an unhurried meal and an opportunity to revisit the "event", talk through the pain, and celebrate our victories in overcoming and healing through the past year. She is a wise soul and I cherish the fact that we have become dear forever friends. After breakfast, we find meaningful ways to spend our time reminiscing, and planning how we will move forward in the coming year. Her insight and perspective are amazing and I always leave at the end of the day wishing it would never end.

While there are individuals I've shared my story with, for the most part it's a secret I've kept to myself. Shame, and the guilt of disclosing the details of someone else's story have prevented me from going public. But, it's a part of me, a chapter in the story of MY life, and MINE to learn and heal from, as well as an opportunity to open my heart and offer true empathy and compassion to those who may have similar experience. Oh how I wish I'd had someone to turn to in the midst of my mess, someone who knew exactly what I was feeling, what I was thinking, how fear and anger, and confusion and guilt and shame swallowed me whole and threatened to ultimately destroy me. My life would have been blessed to know someone else who had survived it and come out with hope and healing and faith and courage on the other side.

Now that I'm on the other side, I'm humbled and grateful to know I can potentially be that person for someone else. And today, the burden and heaviness of secrecy is lifted as I openly share here. I am free. I am healing. And I am grateful for all I've learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life. I have a deep scar that will never go away, but I wear it without shame. It's a beautiful reminder of my strength, my courage, and the continued growth of my inner child toward the  beautiful, capable, and amazing woman she is becoming, and having so much to offer in the legacy I can now leave for those who come after me. And thanks be to God for His amazing love and patience, and for His grace He so willingly extends to me, a daughter He so valiantly fights for.

As my "new" year begins, I feel hopeful and renewed. I am becoming more and more appreciative of the good that comes from the difficult trials I experience in life. I am gaining courage and confidence in my ability to conquer and overcome the boulders of adversity that sometimes overwhelm me with setbacks and discouragement. And I'm ready to again move forward without delay.

I'm all in my friend! Are you with me?

When You Step Up to the Door...and It Closes and Locks Right In Front of You

Blindside. Holy cow. I couldn't prevent it. I couldn't prepare for it. And...I barely have the strength to recover from it. It flipped my world upside down and backwards, and wreaked havoc with my heart and mind, sneaking in with such stealth that I couldn't anticipate the force of its awful blow.

I can barely function. It feels like the emotional equivalent of a severe stomach flu. I feel like I'm glued to my mattress when I first open my eyes to the bright sunlight pouring through my window in the early morning hours. And I resist the idea of going to bed at night until I can barely hold myself upright, because I don't want to have to get up again in the morning. My thoughts weigh heavy on my depression saturated brain. Surges of intense sadness savagely overwhelm me, and sudden bursts of tears, as if on cue, race down my cheeks and drip all over my freshly washed clothes.

I am a mess. Instinctively I want to be left alone. But the intensity of the loneliness inside me is insane. I'm so weary mentally and emotionally, and physically, that I can't think or not think. I know that's so contradictory. But it's the truth. I can't keep my mind in the present moment. But I can't stop thinking about what happened. There are a million things I should be doing, but I can't make sense of any order or priority.

Time is critical, but it passes in an uneven cadence. Sometimes minutes seem like days, and days seem like minutes. I find I must dig deep and be motivated to keep going because life changing decisions are staring me in the face. When I look ahead, I'm filled with a sense of urgency, but I long for the day of peaceful realization that everything has fallen into place with life settled into a predictable pattern of familiarity. I want full disclosure of the outcome, but dread the process that will eventually lead me there. I am filled with anxiety; I can't afford to do nothing, as that will lead to even more stress and overwhelm in the coming weeks. And no one else shares in the responsibility of making those decisions. I stand completely alone. I have no one to blame if I sink, or if I swim.

I hate doing this by myself. It's an overwhelming thing to shoulder the future alone. Unlike the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books my children used to read, determining which page to turn to next in this chapter of my life leaves me feeling a little very apprehensive; one wrong turn and I may get caught in the unintentional demolition of my carefully thought out plans. One more drastic plot twist just doesn't work for me at this point.

So every day I choose to get out of my bed. I choose to kneel in prayer to petition God for strength, and guidance, and peace. I choose to shower and get dressed, put on my makeup and fix my hair. I choose to go for a walk so I can clear my head for just a few minutes to focus and prioritize, and plan how to best manage my time. I choose to sit with my emotions instead of stuffing them down into the bottomless pit of hopelessness and despair. I choose to avoid the temptation to waste time scrolling on social media, or mindlessly binging on Netflix drama. I choose to eat well and avoid junk food. I choose to keep myself hydrated. And I choose to believe someday I will look back and see the beautiful lessons and blessings that will surely come from this gut wrenching experience.

It's hard. And it's exhausting on every level. But I'm pushing through. And eventually I'm going to be okay. I don't know how this mess is going to turn out. But one day, one choice, one action at a time will somehow eventually make it very clear.

I'm all in. Are you with me?

Don't Let it Be You

I obviously have no memory of the day I was born. However, I like to imagine it was a beautiful day, filled with gloriously warm sunshine that pierced a deep ocean blue sky.

My earliest memories are scarce, but begin about the age of 3. However, I'm not addressing memories here; I'm choosing to focus on the very day I experienced pain, and light, and cold, and hunger for the very first time.

I know what it's like to welcome a newborn into the world. I've given birth to 4 children, and will never ever forget the awe and wonder I experienced as each one was placed in my arms for the first time; staring at their precious cherub faces, admiring their tiny button noses and perfectly pink pouty lips, counting their tiny fingers and toes, all the while wondering how it was possible that I could already be so in love:

Connection

Only moments ago

I wondered who you were;

Now that I am holding you

My heart begins to stir.

Suddenly I recognize

Now that we’re together,

I would give up everything

To be with you forever.

-Karla Claybrook

Then reality sets in with little to no sleep, endless feedings and diaper changes, teething and crying, and crankiness. And anxiety. And doubt and fear, and sometimes even in the best of circumstances, a flood of "what was I thinking?" There's no handbook. And no two children are alike. And you don't have enough hands (Or elbows. Or patience). Mix in a few more children and a little a lot more chaos. Oh and suffocatingly deep dark depression...therein lies the makings of shattered dreams of too many once hopeful adolescent hearts. And most of them suffer in silence.

My mom was one of those. I didn't have the maturity to understand her suffering, but I remember vividly her frustration each time she returned from a doctor's appointment. "I'm just fat, forty, and neurotic", she'd say with disgust. Sadly, that became a sort of a joke to my dad, but I never heard her laugh about it. I know now she was probably drowning in despair. 

Unfortunately, life in our home was far from ideal. But by the grace of God, I survived. Healing has taken the majority of my entire adult life. But I can't help but look at the sweet little face in that worn black and white photo, with awe and respect, and a heart full of love and gratitude. With my whole life ahead of me, I entered the world so precious and fragile, and innocent to the reality of what lay ahead of me. And I've conquered with determination, and courage, and faith that has firmly connected my heart to the Master Healer.

That day, more than half a century ago, was indeed, an extraordinary day. It was the humble beginning of my miraculous journey to my very best self. While many experiences have been harsh, and the scars too numerous to count, I wouldn't trade the lessons or the blessings for anything this world has to offer. And I LOVE who that precious baby girl is becoming!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Are You Happy Yet? Because I'm Exhausted

It began for me about the age of seven. It wasn't a conscious decision, but a necessary coping mechanism. Experience taught me that anger was ugly and sometimes terrifying. "Just keep everyone happy" became my silent mantra. This was a way for me to try and maintain as much control of my emotional environment as possible. Little did I understand how much of that control I was actually letting go of as my efforts eventually backfired, and my walls of personal protection eventually became a prison of self-inflicted powerlessness:

• I never had an opinion. Well, yes I did...but it changed with every person I had a conversation with. I was afraid of what they will think of me.

• I never had preferences, because I didn't want to stand out, all bare naked on the beach of popular consensus.

• I consistently hid behind my resentment, pretending all was well in my little corner of the world; I'd much rather keep the peace than drown in a colossal wave of confrontation.

• I constantly apologized, as though I'd yet to earn the air I breathed or the space I occupied.

• I never advocated for myself, because I felt unworthy of such compassion.

• I always avoided saying "no" because I panicked at the thought of making someone angry, or leaving them in an unresolved precarious dilemma.

• I consistently pushed myself to exhaustion because everybody was counting on me.

• I always proceeded with caution around people who seemed on edge, to avoid an explosive outburst.

• I constantly felt the need to explain myself.

• I frequently and  willingly, "took the blame" to keep the peace.

• I habitually criticized myself to make others look better or feel more worthy.

I felt so insignificant, and incapable. I couldn't see even one thing I had that might make a difference in the life of a single individual, let alone the world. I felt insecure around other people, who often appeared to have everything going for them. And that added greatly to my feeling that I was the lonely unfortunate victim of perpetual unhappiness and worthlessness. "It is what it is" was the message I fed my heart daily as I resigned myself to a skewed sense of a severely unfair fate over which I had no control.

Fast forward nearly 45 years. Through a series of events, I came to the realization that something had to change. Or I was going to self-destruct. It was overwhelming trying to decide where and how to begin. I spent a lot of time wandering around in my head, trying to decipher the code that would set me free. And I discovered the secret was with me all along. SELF-COMPASSION.

It was a huge struggle at first. I was so used to beating myself up emotionally, calling myself names like stupid, idiot, and sorry excuse for a human being. Because I lacked confidence, I sometimes undermined my efforts to succeed and I looked for excuses to convince myself I shouldn't even try. I was in the habit of focusing on everything wrong and negative in my life and diligently sought out people who would join my pity party. But, I found within me, the tiniest flicker of hope that maybe deep down there was enough courage pure and worthy, that would counteract the poison of doubt and discouragement that incessantly echoed in my head.

With practice, I learned to feed myself emotionally, with positive thoughts. I dug deep to find and claim my good qualities...kindness, a great sense of humor, trustworthiness, hard working, and loyalty to name a few. Every day, I looked for a positive quote that I could use to replace the loud overwhelming messages that frequently roared out of the lion of negativity in my head. I made a conscious effort to be graciously accepting of compliments from others, acknowledging the possibility that they could see something good within me I hadn't yet found. And I made a habit of cutting myself some slack when I did something stupid or embarrassing.

It's all getting easier with time. And I've discovered I'm much more like my own best friend than my own worst enemy. I still experience uncertainty, emotional and physical pain, hardship, discouragement, and fatigue. But there is happiness in my heart, a smile on my face, light in my eyes and peace in my soul. I actually love myself and who I'm becoming.

I'm a believer in self-compassion. And dedicated to making it priority for the rest of my life!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

God Has Granted Me That Blessing!

It's July and life has thrown me a curve ball once again. I'm beginning to see a pattern here. In July 2013 circumstances changed so drastically in my (chronically unhealthy) marriage that I finally separated myself physically, so I could heal myself emotionally. There's a whole lot of backstory there, but I'm not willing to share it here. Not much has changed in 6 years, so we are still separated.

In July 2016, I once again found myself in an upheaval of life circumstances, and moved out of state. It was an adjustment as I'd been in the same community for nearly 40 years. Moving to new surroundings brings a new "culture", and the task of getting to know people and places and new routines. It can be a bit overwhelming, but I had the luxury of time, and wonderful people, and beautiful scenery on my side. It didn't take long before I felt like I'd actually come home.

Now, here I am in July of 2019. Just a little over a month ago, life dealt me a few major blows...all at once. I'm now in my late 50's, seeking employment at minimum wage while trying to get a business off the ground, empty nesting by myself because I'm married to a man who is completely disconnected, and yet again, on my way to a brand new start in another community I am unfamiliar with. How does that sound for fair? It's not. My dad always said "Life wasn't meant to be fair". That was such an annoying thing to hear when I was young, But being a short 11 years from the age he was when he passed away, I see with more mature eyes and mind the truth of his unsolicited wisdom.

It's so easy to feel victimized by the mountains of adversity that suddenly appear out of nowhere; when there's no way to go around, instead of up and over such unpredictable and unfamiliar, treacherous, heaven bound peaks of affliction...especially when they appear to have lined up in a range of never ending pain and struggle. But it happens. So what are you gonna to do?

I used to feel sorry for myself. Spread the word like jam to bread, to anyone within earshot. It didn't matter if I knew you or not, if I thought you cared or not. My lamenting empowered my victim mentality, and I felt validated in my misery. But that, my friend, did nothing for getting me through the hard stuff. It trapped me in a mindset that served me about as well as quicksand.

Complaining was toxic. It actually made things look worse in the long run. I found it easy to blow things out of proportion. And the worse they appeared, the worse I felt. It became a viscous cycle. I fed my complaints, which in turn fed my negativity. My focus was so fixed on could and should, that my anxiety went through the roof. I lost my perspective, bypassing my ability to look at what I could and couldn't control, leaving me in a spin of anger, sadness, disappointment, and self-pity. And to what end? Unnecessary stress and complete misery.

You want to know what works better? Staying in the present moment. Shutting my mouth and opening my mind AND my heart. Counting my blessings. That's a crock of poop to some of you. But it's the poopy truth. STOP. BE STILL. QUIT COMPLAINING. Sit down. Pick up a pen and put it to paper. Write down all of the good things in your life...the people that love you, the things that are going right, the positives that get you through the day. Stop lying to yourself and to everyone around you. Take off your crown drama queen. And get real. Your mom was right. There ARE people in this world who are A LOT WORSE OFF than you.

Yes, I'm taking my own advice. I've discovered good things about this new mountain I'm climbing:

• I'll always have a roof over my head. God has granted me that blessing.
• Regardless of how my husband does or doesn't feel about me, I'm surrounded by people...friends and loved ones...who love and adore me. God has granted me that blessing.
• This is an opportunity to meet new people. I LOVE people! God has granted me that blessing.
• I'm up for a fresh start! God has granted me that blessing.
• I have an opportunity to learn new skills. God has granted me that blessing.
• I'll be able to shop at my favorite grocery store! God has granted me that blessing.
• I have a car that runs well. God has granted me that blessing.
• If I need them, there are multiple modes of public transportation. God has granted me that blessing.
• I'll have a whole new pool of contacts for networking in my business. God has granted me that blessing.
• 3 of my 4 children, and all of my grandchildren will be a short 2 hours away. God has granted me that blessing.
• I will still be close to the mountains I have come to love! God has granted me that blessing.
• I will be surrounded by family support. God has granted me that blessing.
• I will have my own safe space. God has granted me that blessing.
• I won't have to battle with loneliness. God has granted me that blessing.
• I am filled with tremendous inner peace. God has granted me that blessing.

Reality is, everyone has hard stuff. Everyone has a story. But it's not a competition. We don't need to outdo others with the details of our hardships, our traumas, or our day to day problems. We need more compassion...for ourselves and for each other. But it has to start with you. And with me. I'm committed to calling on my courage, climbing without complaint, and extending compassion to myself and my fellow earthlings. We are all in this together!💜

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Stop Pretending You're Not Angry

When I was a child, I was afraid of anger. The wrath of an angry parent caused a fear in me that I attempted to avoid at all cost. An angry outburst from a sibling or a friend, left me feeling anxious, and extremely apologetic for whatever or whomever made them furious, as though it were my fault. My own feelings of anger caused heavy unbearable feelings of guilt and shame that I didn't know how to handle. In my young mind, anger was evil and destructive.

It wasn't until a few years ago that I learned anger is a "secondary" emotion. In other words, it's a cover up or a mask for true feelings, emotions like fear, jealousy, frustration, sadness, guilt, and powerlessness. Any one of these, when unprocessed, are masked with the naturally human emotion of anger. And anger can actually be manifested in a few different ways:

• Aggression: Anger manifests as direct and forceful. The person's voice becomes louder, and they can be physically intimidating. They are often confrontational.
• Passive-Aggression: Anger manifests as silence, pouting and sulking, or incisive sarcasm, blame of others for mistakes, and complaining about others behind their back.
• Suppression: Anger manifests through impatience, silent unexpressed resentment, depression and/or moodiness, and physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches and sleep problems.
• Assertiveness: Anger manifests through expressed frustration without blame, threatening, or intimidation, honest acceptance of responsibility for mistakes, and willingness to forgive and leave other's mistakes in the past.

I've learned to see anger differently as of late. It no longer makes me feel uncomfortable, guilty or ashamed. I've learned it can actually be a healthy emotion when dealt with in an appropriate manner. (See ASSERTIVENESS above). Here are a few things I've learned:

1. Sit with it. Let it be. Feel it. Acknowledge it. Own it.
2. Define your trigger. What happened? What was said? What's the real emotion behind the anger? Sadness? Shock? Jealousy? Powerlessness? I find it easiest to do this through writing in a journal. And I'm completely honest with myself...no holding back. Don't let your emotions hide. They need a voice. They need full acceptance. Take your time.
3. Make a plan of action. Who do I need to speak with? Hint: It should be anyone directly involved with whatever happened/was said. Don't gossip. It will come back to bite you in the face. Sadly, I know that from experience. What do I need to say? Truthfully. Don't downplay or ignore the thoughts and feelings you honestly need to express. Write it down first so you know where the conversation needs to go. That way you won't get sidetracked and bring up the past. Stay on topic and be willing to work out a mutual resolution.
4. Deal with the emotion. Practice some self-care. Go for a walk or a run, do some coloring, take a nap, soak in a warm tub, snuggle with your pet, do some deep breathing and/or meditation. This could take a few minutes or a few days. Give yourself time. Don't be in a rush...but don't let it sit inside you and boil. Healing requires action. And intentional, appropriate action takes time.
5. Go have that conversation. Yes, it's hard. And necessary. Go in peace. Put a smile on your face and kindness in your heart. Stay out of the mindset of attacking, blaming, being intimidating or confrontational. Be honest and forgiving. Set a clear boundary. Then let it go. And move on.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Have Some "Self" Compassion

It Just About Sent Me Into Orbit

The past week has been filled with anxiety. About a lot of different things. Life is rough at best right now. But for the first time in my entire existence...I am not afraid. Fear has driven me since I was a little girl. My fear was warranted then, but I got stuck in fear and that's pretty much how I got to my present circumstances. Are  you a little baffled by that? Keep reading:

I chose easy classes in high school because I was afraid of what the smart/popular  kids would think of me (I was very unpopular and took a lot of emotional beating). I chose to go to a community college because I was afraid to attend a university. I chose to study something really easy and not very challenging because I was afraid of failing. After I married, I chose not to take a stand with my husband about continuing his education (he had an Applied Science degree at the local community college) because I was afraid of confrontation. This led to 30+ years at a low income job that cursed our family with severe financial struggle. My marriage has been difficult and lonely, but I chose to stay because we had 4 children and I was afraid I couldn't manage to support them or myself. And then, my world exploded and I realized I could never do enough or be enough to satisfy him and I left him anyway. We've been separated 6 years now and nothing has changed; except now we are both scrambling for economic security. I'm in hot pursuit of my opportunity for financial freedom, but it keeps magically disappearing like the pot of gold at the end of an elusive rainbow.

It's empowering to lose the fear! I'm a changed person. But the depression and anxiety hang on like an unwanted heavy winter parka in the summer heat. The depression sneaks up on me. And I can keep it at arm's length for the most part. But anxiety nearly eats me alive...and this week it nearly sent me into orbit. I've been planning a road trip since the end of March. Back to my hometown of more than 40 years. It creates a little anxiety to go back, but for the most part I'm like a kid at Christmas with the thought of reconnecting to some of the people who have my heart. And today was the day I was scheduled to leave. But...I'm home typing this blog for you to read on my computer.

Yesterday, I was packing and preparing for my week long adventure. And I felt a little anxiety, but it was doable. I expected the nervous feeling as I was anticipating a 8-9 hour drive and that's a little much for my body and my brain to handle...but completely doable. I also had the worry in the back of my brain that my car was making a weird little noise whenever I turned my steering wheel to the left for the past couple of weeks. But I'd had it checked out and nothing was found. I took that as a good sign and moved forward with my plan. I also had a few a mountain of other things pressing on me that have nothing to do with my trip. But I was doing my best to just set those on the back burner and deal with them with I get home. Because I can.

The anxiety grew with every passing hour. But I just attributed it to anticipation. About 3 o'clock in the afternoon it sky rocketed. And I was a mess. I'd gone running a little earlier and took the feeling of heaviness in my chest as a sign I needed to use my inhaler (I have asthma). Checking in with my peak flow meter confirmed that would probably be a good idea. It helped some but not enough for me to dismiss what I was feeling. And my anxiety just kept growing by the minute. I finally just knelt down and prayed (I'm a firm believer that God hears and answers our prayers. In fact, I approach prayer with the expectation that I will get a response...especially if it's an immediate need). I had so much I was worrying about that I just went down the list..."Is it this? Or this? Or this? Or this? And please would you help me feel peace...make my anxiety go away when I get to "the right one"? And then I laid down on the floor and "listened". But I didn't "hear" anything. And I was at a loss. 

At 3:45 I got in my car to give my sister-in-law a ride to her connection for transportation to a city about 2 hours away. My car seemed okay as I drove, but I immediately received my answer..."This! Your car." It was now making that noise no matter which way I turned and sometimes even when I wasn't turning at all. And the slight vibration I'd been feeling was more noticeable but not really concerning. When we stopped, I couldn't fight the sinking feeling that my car really was not safe to drive and called my mechanic.

By the time I got to the repair shop the noise was almost alarming. Driving for just 15 minutes had made a significant difference. I waited about an hour and then got the sobering diagnosis: Immediate repairs were needed for the steering rack/pinion and the transmission mount. It would take an entire day and my trip would need to be postponed. My head was hurting and I was exhausted from the emotional drain of the overwhelming anxiety I'd been feeling. But, the anxiety was gone. I actually felt that peace I'd been pleading for in my prayer. God had heard me and gave me a response. And the really amazing thing is...I had nowhere else to go yesterday. All day. Had I not gotten in my car to take my sister-in-law to her destination, I would never have known. Until I got in my car this morning to begin my drive. And I might have been without cell service. And I'd have to rely on tow service. And I'd likely have to find a motel. And I'd be two days delayed instead of just one. And how would I know if I could trust the mechanic who ended up doing my repairs? And my brain just keeps going with what if? 

So dear reader, sometimes anxiety can be your friend. Sometimes it's a protection or a warning. Sometimes it will keep you from danger...or from having to deal with bigger more worrisome problems that could have been prevented. Learn to listen. Learn to breathe. Learn to be mindful and present so you can figure out the source of your anxiety instead of ignoring it or pretending it's not really there. It may be trying to send you a message. Pay attention...then let it go on it's merry way.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

What Am I Supposed To Do?

If you know anyone who suffers with depression and/or anxiety, you know it's pretty easy to feel helpless when it comes to knowing what to do or say to break through their very real dark heavy cloud of despair and worthlessness. It can be the source of a lot of stress and worry when someone you care about is suffering so deeply on the inside. If you could destroy it, or at the very least remove it from them and take it on yourself  it would be so much easier than watching them disappear into nothingness. Even though you can't fix it or take it away, there are a few things you can do to help:

• Start by asking if they're okay. Sometimes it's very obvious to you from their flat affect (showing no emotion) or their body language, but asking them right out breaks the silence that might otherwise eventually suffocate them. It's easy to be fearful of saying the wrong thing, but don't be. Once you ask that important question, shut your mouth. Listen with your ears, your mind and your heart. Make eye contact and be engaged. 
• HEAR what they have to say. Save your advice for later. Don't be thinking about what to say next. Don't try to solve their problems. Don't try to talk them into feeling better. You don't' have to agree with them about the things they express, but you do need to try to understand their point of view. 

• Ask open ended questions. How are you feeling? What can I do for you? What would be helpful in the time that we spend together?

• Offer support and encouragement. But don't expect for that to be the magic "fix all" solution. They aren't going to suddenly "snap out of" their bout of depression.

• Don't be uncomfortable or awkward with their silence. Even if they choose to say nothing you're sending the message that you care just by sitting still and being present.

• Be kind and accepting. Don't make judgmental statements or make them feel guilty for how they're feeling. People can't "make" themselves feel better. 

• Make yourself available to spend time with them. They might just sit in a corner with their headphones in, sleep, be unwilling/unable to engage in conversation, veg in front of the TV, or stare blankly at the wall. But having someone with them can bring a sense of comfort...whether they express/admit it or not.

• Encourage them to seek professional help. The first time someone suggested I needed therapy I was offended. I thought therapy was for crazy people. And I wasn't crazy. But the decision I made to reach out to a therapist for help was one of  the best decisions I ever made. And I continue to seek help anytime I find it necessary. Because I'm worth it. Because I deserve it. Because the people who love and care about me deserve it.

• Take any thoughts or talk about suicide seriously. Don't brush them off, encourage them to keep it a secret, or ask them to ignore those thoughts/feelings. It's okay to talk about it! You need to be okay with letting them talk about it! DON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE IF THEY FEEL UNSAFE. If you feel they are in immediate danger, don't hesitate to call 911.

Depression is real. It's an illness. No one deserves it. And no one should deal with it alone. If you have depression, if you love someone with depression, there's help. Don't hide it. Secrecy and silence are poisonous and destructive. Talk about it. Listen when others talk about it. Educate yourself about it. Don't ignore or pretend it doesn't exist. Let's work together to bring it out into the light. Your getting involved can't make it go away...but if it can prevent even one person getting sucked into the hopelessness and despair that leads to suicide don't you think it's worth it?

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Making The Connection

Depression is a monster. Most people don't know this about me, but I've suffered with mild to moderate bouts of depression throughout my life. The rearing of it's ugly head is usually situational for me...childhood abuse, bullying in middle school and high school, three harsh and lonely decades of being the single parent to my four children (married to a "checked out" man), dealing with toxic relationships, health issues, deaths of loved ones, and traumatic suicide/suicide attempts of people I love and care deeply about...and it sucks the living daylights out of me.

A few times I've been on medication. But the stigma of taking meds (as in "Really? You need to get over yourself. It's people like you that drive up the insurance rates!" Yes. Someone actually said that to me) convinced me it was a cop out so I quit. No meds. No coping skills. No support. Nowhere to turn. And I was a mess. I started envisioning myself driving into oncoming traffic. Not just once in awhile, but almost every single time I got in the car to go anywhere. And once when I visited Crater Lake in Oregon, I stood on the rim and considered "falling in". But I couldn't do that to my three children who were standing right there beside me. The next day I sought professional help.

More commonly, I have periods of time when it just hangs around, hovering like a pesky wasp waiting for exactly the right moment to go in for the sting. I can feel it staring me down. It's just under the surface mocking my will to keep functioning, in spite of the battle to resist crawling back in my bed, and burying myself in the comfort of my deceivingly safe little world of "I don't give a crap".

Learning to live with depression is tricky. *I do not advocate "no medication." Depending on the form and severity of their depression, some people require medication. If that's you take it! And stay on it! Even when you're feeling really good. Even when you think it's not working. And work closely with your medical professional to maintain the optimal dosage. 
My depression has been manageable with therapy and laser focused self-care:

• Exercise is essential. I know. It sucks to get out and do anything when depression is in your face. But I'm telling you, from personal experience, moving your body releases "feel good endorphins" and enhances your sense of well-being. It also helps to distract your attention from your worries and feelings of emotional overwhelm. You don't have to go to the gym and work up a sweat for an hour; just a slow five minute walk will make a difference.
• Therapy has been extremely helpful for me. It takes time to find a good therapist so don't settle for just anyone. These are the things I look for in a good therapist:
• Do they take your insurance?
• Are they taking new clients?
• Do they specialize in/have experience working with clients with depression?
• Do they offer tools for helping you cope with your triggers?
• Are they willing to educate you about what you can do to help yourself?
• Do they offer links to outside support (groups, classes, articles, websites etc)?
• Do they have the mindset of helping you to "graduate" OR keeping you coming back to replenish their bank account?
• Are they personable?
• Do they listen/validate you?
• Remember they work for YOU. You are HIRING them to help you. If they don't meet your needs/expectations "FIRE" them and move on to someone else!
• Sleep is an ongoing issue. When I'm in the midst of a bout of depression (but functional) I avoid bedtime like the plague...for the simple reason (though it doesn't really make sense when I try to explain it) that I don't want to have to get up the next day. Of course staying up and avoiding sleep altogether is pointless and just makes life more unbearable. I have to work hard to get my brain off of that track and just do the best I can to force myself to go to bed anyway. I've found doing whatever I can to improve my sleep habits (especially when I'm feeling good) does make a difference. 
• I like to take a warm shower before going to bed. Just standing under that warm water and letting it cascade down my entire body really helps me feel more relaxed.
• I've discovered if I eat anything past 7pm it very much affects my sleep. I'm restless, have weird dreams, and feel much less inclined to get up the next day. It's a vicious cycle. So I just don't go there.
• I love to pray before I go to sleep. I just kneel by my bed and let all of my thoughts and feelings out...no holding back. Many times that starts a cascade of tears, but I don't mind as that release also helps me feel more relaxed.
• Sometimes I write in my journal before I get in bed. I used to write down all of my thoughts, but I've discovered just writing down things I'm thankful for works much better for a good mindset before sleep. Sometimes it's a whole page, but more often than not it's just one or two simple expressions of gratitude.
• I also love to watch or listen to something uplifting before bedtime rolls around. A show on TV, a movie, a podcast, a YouTube video, a TED talk...there's so much good we can access to fill our minds with peace and comfort. A little uplifting goes a long way for a weary heart and soul.
• Pay attention to what you eat. If you're like me, when depression hits you just want to stuff your face...or eat nothing at all. There doesn't seem to be a middle of the road. Nutrition is an important factor in how you feel physically, and emotionally as well. Sounds weird right? But let me explain:

• Your brain and your digestive system are connected...literally. The vagus nerve runs from the base of your brain down your spine and into your abdomen. It's connected to several parts of your gut, including your stomach and intestines, and relays information from your gut to your brain. Since 90% of serotonin (a chemical naturally produced by your body that promotes well-being and happiness...among other important functions) is located in the gut, gut health and diet can positively or negatively affect your mood. This is not to say your depression will be cured through your diet, but you certainly can alleviate your symptoms to some degree with some healthier eating habits.

I hope you've found this helpful. I'll be posting here with more helps with depression at least weekly. Please feel free to reach out if you have questions or would like me to focus specifically on something you're struggling with. DISCLAIMER: I'm not a medical professional. I don't diagnose or suggest/facilitate treatments of any kind. I'm here to offer support and share my experience in the hope that it will be a benefit to someone who, for one reason or another, has suffered in silence. We're in this together! No more going alone.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

"Even If"...It's Still A Part of My Story

It was normal for me. And because it was all I knew, I assumed it was normal for everyone...but I hated it. As months and years passed, I became painfully aware my normal wasn't normal at all; and I found myself drowning in secrecy, shame, anxiety, and a heightened sense of hyper-vigilance. My self-esteem was beaten down and trampled to a dirty, shredded, useless pile of unrecognizable rubbish, and I felt as invisible as if I had never existed. I lived silently in a world of fear, and dreaded the rising of the morning sun. I spent every day going through the motions of  life, carefully avoiding the pull to do or try anything different than the routine I was used to for fear of exposing my hell and my suffocating humiliation. 

Welcome to adulthood they say. You have your whole life ahead of you. The world is your playground. You can do and be whatever you set your mind to. The problem was I was messed up, frightened, insecure, vulnerable, and emotionally scarred...the perfect set-up for getting sucked into an ugly cycle of codependency. I threw myself "in the toilet" for the sake of rescuing and fixing others in an attempt to fill my desperate unquenchable need for love and affection. 

Eventually I sought professional help. It allowed me to work through what I was dealing with, but I didn't really feel any different on the inside. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, how disgustingly gross I felt, the way I felt so inferior around other people. I felt unworthy of love and kindness even as I desperately craved attention and acceptance. I shunned the rare compliments I received from others and convinced myself they were all lies because people didn't know the real me buried deep in the muck and mire of my irrational perception of myself.

Years passed but nothing changed. As I reached each of the milestones one expects to experience in life, I got better at putting on and perfecting the facade that hid my pain and protected my heart. But I couldn't run from or erase my truth lurking in the dark corners of my mind, reminding me every moment of every day of my worthlessness.

I can't really pinpoint the exact moment things started to change for me. However, I do know it began with a conscious decision to escape from the prison inside my own head. As crazy as it sounds, I slowly began to question my truth...not the truth of what had happened to me, but my perception of how it had defined me. I thought about my motives, what drove me and determined how I would act and react in any given situation. Why and when did I choose to trust? Exhibit kindness? Be offended? Show compassion? Be approachable? Run away? I questioned (in my head) why someone liked me, and analyzed how a relationship with me benefited them. I began pondering what made my feel inferior to others around me, and challenged my deep seated belief that I had nothing to offer the world. At first there was little in the way of positives I could find, but when I did, I hung on to them and worked tirelessly to firmly attach them in my mind and in my heart as part of my new truth. This didn't happen overnight. It took years...3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Progress was painfully slow, but steady.

Today, 50 years later, I'm still very much aware of that little girl. She is now, and always will be a part of me. I am today, the culmination of all of the good, the bad, the ugly, the reprehensible. My story is not complete without any of it...without her. She is my link to the past, but I am her ticket to the future. I think she'd be mighty proud of the woman I've become, but I couldn't have done it without her courage, her integrity, and her will to thrive. She may not have had much to offer the world, but she offered me everything I needed to make a difference in our little corner of the world. Together we are beautiful. We are kind. We are amazing. We are worthy. And...we are worth it! My future is no longer defined by my past!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Why Are You Carrying That Around With You?

"MOM! What are you doing???!!!" my daughter yelled so loud it shook me to the core. She was excited and I was excited for her. We were chatting and giggling as we headed to the neighborhood pet store to buy her a fish and a tank with all of the needed accessories. She'd been asking me for a long time and I was finally about to make it happen. But I wasn't paying attention and the signal light turned red...right before I went through the intersection, swerving to avoid broadsiding another car headed toward us from the other direction with horn blaring and tires screeching. We could have died...or at least been seriously injured. I replayed that near miss in my head for the entire rest of the day. I was shaken, freaked out, completely embarrassed, and ashamed that I'd let myself become so distracted at what could have been an unbearable cost.

Mistakes. I've made plenty of them in my 50+ years of life. Some were out of carelessness...accidents if you will, while others were intentional choices I made that turned out regretfully poor results. Either way, mistakes have always been a sore spot for me. I hate admitting that I've made them. I'd much rather "sweep them under the rug" and pretend they never happened.  Keeping them to myself seems the best option at the time, but eventually the shame and humiliation wreaks havoc until I can't help but bring it out and deal with it. Bringing it all back to the surface is ugly and painful and sometimes even sickening. However, it's akin to opening up a wound and cleaning it out to get rid of the infection. If left "untreated" it leads to worse problems than the mistake itself.

While rehashing and reflecting are a necessary part of helping us avoid similar mistakes in the future, they can become a seriously debilitating problem if allowed to spiral out of control. But how does one avoid that?

• Take the "self-judgement" component out of it. Instead of labeling yourself as stupid, incompetent, or foolish, delete those thoughts immediately and replace them with questions like "What can I learn from this?" or "How can I do better next time?" This will take practice. You'll have to be intentional and consistent. But it will work. Perhaps writing down your answers will be helpful in processing these questions.
• Distract and redirect your thoughts. Get back to what  your were doing before the details of the mistake invaded your brain. If it's bedtime and you're hopelessly unable to get to sleep because you can't stop thinking about what happened, change your worrisome thoughts to something neutral that doesn't involve emotion (counting sheep by 3's, reciting the alphabet backwards, naming all 50 states etc). You may need to redirect several times...stand your ground. Don't cave in.
• Set a specific time and place for processing and reflecting on your mistake. I'm not telling you don't think about it. Remember you need to think about it with a plan for resolve in mind.  Setting specifics about when and where to process will set a healthy boundary and keep your thoughts from getting out of control. Get a journal and put your reflections in writing. Typing on the computer isn't as productive as writing out the words, the worries, the concerns...or your resolve. Writing takes effort and concentration and helps to internalize what you're thinking. Typing can easily be done mindlessly while your brain gets distracted. Choose the pen and paper!
• Confide in someone you trust. Letting it out, confronting the shame and embarrassment with someone you trust will ultimately help put things into proper perspective: You're not the only one who makes mistakes, your mistake probably isn't as bad as you think it was, there's always someone who has screwed up worse than you did, and this probably won't be the last time you make a mistake. This is one situation I can think of where competition makes me feel a little bit better...you know that "Well you think that's bad, guess what I did?" conversation...If someone else can "outdo" me with their "horrible mistake" story I'm a little quicker to cut myself some slack.

Sometimes we are our own worst critic. We are harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else. That's not really fair. We are ALL human. What makes you so special? Really. You're no less prone to mistakes, intentional or not, than the next person. Get over yourself and be kind. Be gentle with yourself. Say and do nice things for yourself. Be your own best friend and advocate strongly for the "judge" (yourself) to give you a break because you've learned a lesson and you deserve another chance. Own it, learn from it and let it go.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Stop Feeding Yourself That Crap!

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of "being" a lot of things when I grew up. The list changed frequently as I was introduced to new and amazing thoughts about what I could actually be when I became a grown up...a nurse, an organist, an astronaut, a mom of at least a dozen children, an artist for Disney Studios. Of course, when you're a little tyke the time between birthdays passes about as quickly as a slug moving through a mess of thick dark slimy mud; thus the thought of actually reaching the long anticipated status of adult was well beyond my comprehension. But I day dreamed about it frequently anyway.

About the time I hit 9th grade and started high school, my fascination with adulthood and all of it's dreamy possibilities was replaced with a panic that knew no boundaries. I'd been through some pretty harsh life experiences by then and had become a shy, withdrawn, shadow of the optimistic child I had once been. Graduation came much more quickly than those birthdays I had once longed for, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and surrender to the fear and dread that filled my lonely confused heart and mind.

The next 7 years were spent trying to prove (mostly to myself) that I was lovable...or at least likable. I went out of my way to try and be "the life of the party". Not really partying...but more or less vying for the popularity and acceptance I had seen bestowed upon others in the past as I watched silently from afar. I wasn't big headed, or full of myself...I just wanted desperately to feel like more than the worthless sorry excuse for a human being that I felt like. So, I faked my way out of my loneliness. I worked hard at making friends, appearing to be happy with my life, and creating an atmosphere of fun and laughter. I watched a lot of my friends leave for college as I settled for a few semesters at the local community college. I had no idea what I wanted to study...I just went for the sake of being able to say I was doing something with my life. I had some serious crushes, but dated only once in a blue moon. I held down a few different minimum wage jobs, but they were all dead ends as far as being able to find my place in the work force. At one point I quit my job and moved out of state, hoping a change in scenery would solve my problems and offer solutions of hopeful progress and direction in life. But after 6 months, I went "home" and took up where I left off. By this time many of my friends were marrying and starting families and I was back to looking for new people to spend time with.

Eventually I married. I continued working part-time until our first child was born 15 months later. Fast forward 26 years, 3 more children, a lot of heartache and unhappiness in my own personal life, and finally a trauma that "blew the house down". I was 51 years old...and had nothing to show for it. I had failed that little girl who once dreamed so big and so boldly. Or so I thought.

Today nearly 6 years later, I've worked my butt off to become who I am today. I'm still not a nurse, an organist (although I've taught myself some piano and guitar skills!), an astronaut, a mom to a dozen children (but I have 4 kiddos that I love and adore!), or an artist for Disney Studios (however, I've taught myself some pretty amazing artistic skills!)...but I've awakened once more that ability to dream big and bold! My dreams and goals are not quite so ambitious, but I do believe I can accomplish ANYTHING I put my mind to...and I've opened my mind to move past the barriers and limitations I'd placed on myself in my "pre-trauma" life. Yes, sadly it was the trauma that changed everything for me. I'd been shattered, and "stripped" of everything...including my self-inflicted limitations.

So why did I...why do any of us...put limitations on ourselves?

• We've landed in a "failure" mindset: When we fall down a few times it's much harder to get back up again. It's too easy to succumb to mental or maybe even physical exhaustion. I've found for myself this is especially true when I'm not taking care of my most basic needs. I let myself slide because I'm in the habit and mindset of putting everyone else first. And pretty soon I'm not even last on the list. I'm not on the list at all. I can't do it. It's not working. I quit. I'm too tired to stand up again.
• Fear gets the best of us: That could be fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of new and different or unfamiliar, fear of failing, or even fear of success (Yep. It's real. I've been there). Fear leads to procrastination or avoidance, which ultimately leads to nothing nowhere.
• We have limiting beliefs about ourselves: I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, good enough, worthy enough...you can insert ANY word in there to make it work for you (translation: to make it not work for you). I am not ___________ enough. This is completely destructive to reaching goals or making dreams a reality...but only YOU can change it.
• We lack hope and/or belief in ourselves and our capabilities: Sometimes we AREN'T enough for what we would like to accomplish, but that shouldn't stop us from educating ourselves, acquiring sufficient information or experience, or trying to learn a new skill. I'm discovering for myself...you are never too old to make life happen. If you can dream it, you can learn it and do it!
• We forget our "why": You know, that reason deep down inside of you that pushes and encourages and drives you. That's your why. It's why you wake up, why you go to your job, why you take care of your family, why you keep going when you feel the urge to quit. If you've lost you why, do some digging. It's there. It just needs to be rediscovered and reignited. It doesn't matter how long it's been. If you look hard enough you'll discover it's there; it never went away.

Life is too short to live in regret. Let the past be the past. Wake up to the reality of your present, and choose to have a huge say in your future! It's yours. It doesn't belong to anyone else. You alone are responsible for your happiness, the realization of your dreams, and what you make of your life. Live fully. Dream big. And die happy knowing you lived happy and loved fiercely. Don't waste your time on toxic people and avoid drama like the plague. These are my new rules for life!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Suck It Up Or Dance In It...You Choose

I've had the life sucked out of me. Again. It's so hard to hold my head up and go through my daily routine. My body feels weak and shaky. I have no energy. There are things I feel I MUST tend to, but it takes so little to wear me out and send me to my bed for rest. The hours between the early morning light that drifts through my window each morning, and the time that twilight finally settles in, seem endless. I have no energy for small talk, for problem solving, for planning, for little more than opening my eyes to face yet another day. I feel sad and angry, and hurt and disappointed, and a loneliness that is much more encompassing than I've ever experienced before. Fear and hopelessness and darkness hover over me, but I'm not willing to let them take up residence in my head. I see what they are capable of; I will not allow myself to fall victim to their destructive ways. I've witnessed others mindlessly drift to the point of no return; I'm not even willing to take the first step on that path. I get depression. It surrounds me on every side, and threatens to suffocate me. But I will give it zero opportunity to destroy me...not even second hand.

I know you probably think I'm full of myself. How dare I think I'm so invincible and powerful. Think what you may. But the truth is it's a choice. Really. I can choose to dwell on my problems, my sucky life, my traumatic experiences, the unfairness of my circumstances, my sadness and loneliness, my health issues,  the way I'm treated by others, and all the other crap that gets relentlessly flung at me. Or I can take responsibility for how I handle what comes my way. 

Reality check: The universe has nothing against me. God is not punishing me. I am not undeserving of being treated with kindness and respect. I am not a worthless pile of crap that somehow mistakenly ended up where I'm at physically OR emotionally in my life. I haven't been dealt a lousy hand. Bad things happen to bad people...and good people. I am not exempt from pain, tragedy, disappointment, health crises, financial ruin, bad luck, or misfortune of any kind. Sometimes Much of the time, life sucks. But I CHOOSE whether or not to cope, how to cope, and how long to cope. I choose whether to be humble and reachable, or pridefully surround myself with an impenetrable wall and suffer silently, or shamelessly loud enough for everyone to witness. And NO ONE can take that choice away from me.

If you're looking for a perfect life you're in for a severe disappointment. Give it up. Change your expectation. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself:

• Get outside of yourself. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than you. And there is NO exception to that rule. Look for them and do something to lighten their burden. You can't take their crap away, but you can add a little sunshine.
• Count your blessings. There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Look for it until you find it. Write it down and put it where you can be reminded of it EVERY single day.
• Take a break from social media. Everyone's life is falsely portrayed (intentional or not) to be much better than yours is. Don't fall into that trap. We ALL have crap.
• Set a goal to change something about you or about your life that you CAN change. Learn to take the rest in stride and move on.
• Reach out for support. Friends, family, church clergy, neighbors...let them into your circle and try letting at least one of them into your heart.
• Change up your routine. Sometimes doing just one thing differently makes all the difference in your attitude and helps give you a fresh perspective.

Life is tough. But you don't have to let it destroy you.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

When All You Can Do is Whisper "I'm Fine"

"I'm fine", I lied. Enough time had passed that I could at least be out in public. But that question everyone asks so nonchalantly, that normally seemed so standard, shook me to the core and kicked my "fight or flight" response screaming into overdrive. What was I supposed to say? I'd had a life threatening reality pummel me into the ground just weeks before...but it was a "behind closed doors" event, unlike those that make the headlines in the national news or in the local newspaper. Time stood eerily still as I negotiated whether running away or passing out would be the appropriate avoidance response.

When "How are you?" is a loaded question...when you're suffering from depression or anxiety, have suffered a loss or been through a traumatic experience, been the victim of a crime, dealing with financial stress, unemployment, chronic illness, aging parents, foreclosure, wayward children, broken relationships...when you're grieving...what do you do with that?

1. Assess the intent of the person asking: Is this someone you are close to, someone you trust truly cares about you? Or is this a casual acquaintance? If you're feeling uncomfortable, you're not obliged to give any more than a polite "non-answer". "I'm doing OK, thanks. How are you?" or "I'm hanging in there. How about you?" or "Hey how was your family vacation?" (avoidance and changing the subject always sends a message of "I'm not willing to go there!")
2. Consider how answering the question might affect you: When you're suffering, answering truthfully may bring on the onset of an eruption of emotion you may not be prepared to handle. And the other party may not know what to do with it, leaving you feeling awkward and full of regret for opening that floodgate. Likely this would usually be a risk one should consider only under emotionally safe circumstances. There's no need to bring more stress or anxiety on yourself than you're already dealing with. Not everyone is in a place to hear your truth. And your truth needs to be protected.
3. Set firm boundaries: I was approached by a few people who thought they knew what had happened, when in fact they were completely misinformed by someone else's speculation. It made it a little very awkward, but I found it necessary to briefly set the record straight and then shut the conversation down. Especially if you're not in a clearly stable state of mind to talk, or you find the questioning distressing, you need to do what's best for you. No one else's opinion or concern matters at that point. You, not any well-meaning busybody, are in charge of your emotional health and healing. Don't allow bullying, gossiping, or ignorance to pressure you into having a conversation you don't want to have. You have to put yourself first.

It's a harsh reality...we're not always as OK as we pretend to be. Being vulnerable is difficult at best, and risky to say the least. Bad things happen to good people. And none of us are exempt from any amount of pain and suffering. People will say stupid hurtful things. The world keeps revolving and time continues moving forward even when your life is falling apart. Having painful experiences in life makes us a little more compassionate. No one will understand exactly how you are feeling because everyone is affected by and handles grief differently. You'll run across people who try to "one up" you and minimize your experience. Some may even tell you to buck up and move on. Healing is hard work and takes a LOT of time. Trust the process. You will never be the same. All the world is oblivious when you're hurting. Seek to disclose your pain to those who will listen and support you, offering encouragement and comfort in the best way possible...and let the rest go.

I'm all in! Are you with me?