That Service Is No Longer Available

I used to be the "poster child" for people pleasing. Like a doormat, I'd "lie at your feet" and let you "walk all over me". I put EVERYONE ahead of me. Saying "no" was so painful for me, I just couldn't do it. Yes, yes, yes...while silently muttering to myself about how much I resented being manipulated and taken advantage of, were the words that escaped my lips every. single. time. I felt such tremendous guilt and fear for even considering saying no, that I just couldn't let myself go there. "No" meant I failed, or I've let someone down; it meant I was weak, selfish or inconsiderate of someone's immediate need for rescue...and if I didn't rush in, how would they survive?  Reality is: It's selfish and prideful thinking, to believe that I, or you, are the only human being capable of dealing with any crisis, or solving any problem. NEWS FLASH! I AM NOT that powerful...and neither are you.

Well, reality bit me in the butt and I was forced to decide: was I going to consciously continue in such an unhealthy manner OR was I going to get real and begin the process of learning and implementing skills (for replacing my dysfunctional behaviors) such as:

1) Recognize and own my codependancy: Yep. I was codependant. Here are some of the symptoms I exhibited:

• An overwhelming urgency to help others when they had a problem.
• A belief that other people couldn't like me or love me for who I was; I constantly felt I had to prove that I was enough.
• I sacrificed my own opinions, needs and wants for those of others, while feeling resentful.
• I was afraid to use my voice; I didn't have the courage to advocate for myself.
• I did most or all of the giving in my closest personal relationships.
• I was non-assertive. If I was cornered into taking a position or making a choice I would...but could not verbalize a basis for my decision.
• I didn't set functional limits with myself or with others.  I was easily over invested in other people's problems.
• I felt unworthy and was filled with shame.

2) Have clear, open, honest, communication. For example:

• What are the details of the commitment? (Time, resources, date/time expectations etc)
• Yes, I'm available but I only have _____ minutes/hours OR I'm only available _________ between the hours of  _____ and _____. Will that work for you?
• Yes, I'm available to help you, but I'll need _____________.
• I'm not sure if I can help you; let me get back to you.
• No, I'm not available to help you at this time.
• Thanks for thinking of me, but I'm not going to be able to help you.
• This is out of my realm of expertise; you need to call on someone who would be better equipped to help.
• Wow. There are so many choices. Give me 3 to choose from.
• I'm not sure where I stand on that issue. I haven't really given it much thought.
• And? Example: If my friend says "My husband and I got in a huge fight last night" instead of jumping in and giving an opinion, taking sides or giving advice, I would simply say "And?" If my coworker says "I'm angry that I have to close on Tuesday night" instead of making assumptions, trash talking the boss or throwing another coworker under the bus, I would calmly reply with "And?"
• I'm going to let that be yours. Example: If my child says "I forgot I had a homework assignment in math last night and now I don't have time to do it" instead of calling the school, belittling my child, or offering to cover for them with a fake excuse, I would reply with "I'm going to let that be yours." OR if my sister says to me "I spent money we didn't really have on this dress yesterday; my husband's going to be really pissed" instead of validating her choice, lecturing, or offering to hide it for her for a few days,  I would reply with "I'm just going to let that be yours."

3) Watch out for manipulation tactics:

You're so good at decorating cakes; you should make one for my daughter's birthday OR I'm not sure how to assemble this bike I bought for my son, but you're so clever I'll bet you could get it done in no time at all.

Of course, there's a difference between someone genuinely and respectfully asking for your assistance, maybe even offering to trade service for service, and those who hint subtly or "guilt" you into doing something for them because they are too lazy, or without knowledge or ability, and unwilling to hire a skilled professional to accomplish the task. Don't allow yourself to fall into that trap.

4) Create or adopt a mantra:

• What others think of me is none of my business
• I'm nobody's fool
• Nope. Not today. Not ever.
• Not my circus; not my monkeys!
• My plate is full.
• Me first.
• I can't be everything/do everything for everybody.

You need a firm reminder that you are not the sole solution to everyone's problems. You are not indispensable. Life goes on whether you "DO"...or you "DON'T".

5) Forgo the excuses: You don't owe ANYONE an excuse or an explanation. You are in charge of how, where and with whom you choose to spend your time. Be accountable to yourself. Be respectful of yourself. Be kind to yourself.

6) Don't apologize: If you are not responsible for the situation, you have no reason to be sorry. So don't.

7) Pay attention to your limits: Figure out what you're capable of physically AND emotionally and don't go beyond those limits. Don't let people run you ragged or tap you out emotionally. Establish your boundaries and communicate them clearly. Don't leave any room for assumptions to be made by others. 

8) There's going to be fallout: It's almost a guarantee...there's going to be someone who's angry, disappointed, sad, unrelenting when you say no. Let it be theirs. You cannot MAKE anyone feel ANY emotion. And no one can make YOU feel guilty. Feelings of guilt are only warranted if YOU'VE done something wrong. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. It is what it is. Let it be.

Learning these skills and getting into the habit of implementing them has taken a lot of time, practice and patience. Some days are better than others; some situations are easier than others. But I am SO MUCH HAPPIER! It's one of the best gifts I've ever given myself. Change is no longer an uninvited guest.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Hard Ugly Truth

18 Effective Ways To Beat Stress

You ever feel this way? Boy I have! And it's harsh. The enormous stresses of life staring me in the face...and I just want to run and hide. But, in the fog of confusion I can't see which direction to go for cover. I know I can't just stand there because the stress is going to destroy me, but I can't escape; I feel helpless and completely overwhelmed. I'm not talking about depression. If you have symptoms of depression you need to seek professional help.

But here are 18 powerful ways I've used (yes, every one of them!) to help me that help me clear the fog and conquer the stress:

1. Pay attention to your breathing: Seriously. Stop what you're doing and take. a. deep. breath. Close your eyes. And be still. And breath. In and out. Again. And again. For 2-3 minutes just feel yourself breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.
2. Stop the people pleasing: This is yours. Remember you're in the front seat and you are in control! Never mind what your mom, or your sibling, or your best friend's aunt's first cousin thinks. In the end, you will be the one dealing with the outcome. Don't let anyone else get in your head or your heart without your permission.
3. Write it down: Grab your journal or just a piece of scratch paper and write down what's stressing you. This doesn't necessarily resolve anything, but it helps to get it out of your head. Sometimes it even helps put it all in perspective. It may or may not be as big a deal as your brain led you to believe.
4. Eat well: Yep. It's the truth! Eating junk food, skipping meals, stuffing your face with whatever is in front of you makes you FEEL LIKE CRAP! Yes, it takes time and effort and a little planning to eat healthy, but you can do it! I'm not saying you can't have that piece of chocolate...or even the whole candy bar. Just don't eat an entire bag. If breakfast isn't your thing, or you don't have time for lunch, please reconsider. Seriously, have some fruit or nuts or some fresh vegetables on hand to grab when you're feeling hungry or you've just got the munchies. It will help you in the long run. You don't have to overhaul your whole diet...right now...today. Just make a small change. One change eventually leads to another and another.
5. Practice gratitude: Really, I get it. When life sucks, it's next to impossible to find something to be grateful for. But just look around and I know you can find at least one. My go to, when I'm struggling to be grateful is my completely functional limbs. When I start to imagine how difficult my life would be without them, it puts things in perspective. Things can ALWAYS be worse!
6. Listen to relaxing music: Music is magic for me. I have a playlist on my phone that helps me feel calm and peaceful. I lay on my bed and close my eyes and escape the misery of life. Sometimes I only have 5 minutes, other times I can get away with an hour or more. But it helps me decompress every single time.
7. Take on a tactile hobby: When you put yourself behind everyone else, you miss out! I spent my first 45 years of life wishing I could play the piano. I couldn't afford lessons, but I spent $100 for a very small and ridiculously simple keyboard/simplified music and flash cards and taught myself. Eventually I "graduated" to a used piano and enjoyed hours of playing the simplest compositions I could find to learn and enjoy. I'm no prodigy, and I'm not good enough to entertain the crowd, but I LOVE doing it for me. I've also taken up drawing and crocheting. I've read books to gather knowledge and skill from the local library, looked up "how to" articles on the internet, and watched hours of video on YouTube. It's fun. And it's relaxing. And it's just for me.
8. Schedule small adventures: Get away. Just for an hour or two, or make a day of it. Take a friend. Take your family. Or go by yourself (just make sure someone knows where you're headed so they know where to look if you come up missing!) If you do a little research you can find all kinds of interesting destinations reasonably close to your location. Time away even for just an hour or two can make all the difference when you're feeling overwhelmed or burned out.
9. Look at the big picture: Change your perspective. Believe it or not, "this too shall be a memory". That's not to say it's not hard, gut wrenching, or uncomfortable (whatever the case may be). But, time and patience and faith promote healing. There may be scars, but wounds DO heal. Cut yourself some slack. Step back. And take just one day at a time.
10. Go for a walk: It doesn't have to be long. Just walk for 5 minutes. Then turn around and walk back to where you started. Even that little bit of time and activity can make a difference in the way you feel.
11. Meditate: Go somewhere quiet and just be alone. As you relax, acknowledge and observe all that's happening around you...pleasant or unpleasant. Empty your mind and just observe, without reacting. Feel and hear your heart beating. Feel and hear your lungs breathing. Be still.
12. Watch something funny: My go to's are "I Love Lucy" and "The Dick Van Dyke Show". Sometimes I indulge and enjoy a marathon.
13. Take smaller steps: Break up your routine. Make your "to do" list more manageable with smaller steps to your end goal. Prioritize. Take care of what's most important first and leave the less important details for another day. Don't force yourself to run if you're only able to crawl.
14. Schedule tasks: I used to think this a ridiculous idea...just make a list and get it done! But, I've learned that scheduling takes the stress out of getting everything accomplished. And...it helps me to be realistic about what I actually can accomplish. Very helpful! You should try it if you haven't already.
15. Take a long shower or soak in the tub: This is one of my favorites! I LOVE standing in a warm shower, feeling the soothing water run off of me. There are days I  would literally choose to stand in the shower all day long if I thought I could get away with it. Soaking in the tub doesn't do much for me...but I've heard it works for a lot of other people.
16. Pay attention to your sleep schedule: I can't stress this enough. Going to bed and getting up at the same time every day is essential to dealing with stress. My sleep is affected by so many factors, I have to be SUPER conscious. I can't eat too late, I need about an hour before bed to unwind, I have to watch my sugar intake during the day, I'm not a caffeine drinker but I've heard that can also be a deterrent. Pay attention. Track your habits to see what you can improve so you can get more effective sleep. It's essential for the health of your body AND your brain.
17. Disconnect: Ugh! Smart phones, tablets, television, computers...sometimes my brain goes on overload. If I'm not careful technology rules my life! Track how much time you actually spend on any kind of device and you'll be shocked at the reality vs your perception. We need more human connection in our lives. Play games with your family, go on a date with your spouse, have chat time with a friend, find a volunteering opportunity in your community, look for occasion to do random acts of kindness throughout your day. You'll have fewer headaches, less neck and back pain, more mental focus, a more pleasant attitude, less anxiety, more fun and a whole new appreciation for life! I know. It's hard. But you can do hard things!
18. Prepare: This sounds ridiculously simple. But it's an important aspect of de-stressing. Prepare for your day the night before. Make your to do list. Set out your clothes. Set your priorities. Find your voice and be prepared to use it. Do your homework. Clean the kitchen and tidy up the house. Call the babysitter well in advance. Write appointments down on your calendar. Coordinate your family schedules. Schedule time for yourself. For heaven's sake, DON'T be the creator of your own crisis! Prepare. Prepare. Prepare!

I hope you'll find these helpful! 

I'm all in! Are you with me?

What Now?

So, figuratively speaking, this is what my life looked like:

And it WAS overwhelming. But, I took a REALLY deep breath. That was my starting point. Breathing. Focusing. Getting my bearings. Please note: you don't have to experience a trauma to decide to make change. Sadly, that's just what it took for me. I was already a mess, just not willing to step up and do anything about it. FEAR was ruling my life:

• Fear of the unknown
• Fear of what others would think
• Fear of "rocking the boat"
• Fear of failure
• Fear of responsibility
• Fear of success
• Fear of struggle
• Fear of accountability
• Fear of change

I was disappointed with myself, how I'd ended up where I was because of my unwillingness to take control, make decisions, own up to my mistakes, be accountable to myself, use my voice, advocate for my health, give myself the same time and respect and kindness I was handing over to everyone else. I "threw myself under the bus", wallowed in self-pity, and quietly seethed at the lack of sympathy I received while carrying the ginormous "boulder of martyrdom" on my back. And it took a devastating life experience to bring me to my knees.

And that's when I realized I MUST put myself first. It is IMPERATIVE that I take care of myself on EVERY level. I MUST take control of every aspect of my health and well-being. I can't allow another minute of my life to pass without determining my desired outcome. And that would require a deep, meticulously detailed evaluation of myself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I had to stop everything, and figure out exactly where I was, before I could determine where I wanted to end up.

Some of you reading this may not be this far gone. You may feel you just need a little tweaking in one area or another. But you can't make that assumption until you clearly determine exactly where you are.

This process took months for me. I looked deep; left no stone unturned. I stared every uncomfortable, undesirable aspect of myself in the face. I owned my mess and claimed my responsibility in it. Only then could I look forward and map out my plan. The ugly truth is harsh, but facing it head on bestows on oneself the freedom to grow and improve, to change!

And that is exactly where I started. I decided to call on my courage, show myself a little compassion, and connect with who I really wanted to be. I got real and embraced my need for change.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

It's Deeper Than It Appears To Be

Makes sense right? Especially since I'm talking about change! Change of heart, change of thought patterns, change of mind set...they're all "internal", but they for me they've lead to "external" change as well!

I spent years...I'm talking 25+ years, putting myself on the back burner. I put EVERYONE ELSE and their needs ahead of me. I spent hours, which eventually turned into days and weeks and months neglecting myself. I completely ignored my physical health, my emotional health, my overall happiness and well-being. Yep, I took the back seat and gave complete control of my existence to anyone willing to take it. I disregarded my value as an individual and became the "poster child" for valiantly meeting the wants and needs of others. I wore myself out physically, drained myself mentally and completely sabotaged myself emotionally in the name of "selfless service" while keeping a smile on my face to cover up my pain and misery.

Take a look at these photos. You can see exactly what I'm talking about:

And then one day my world exploded when my family experienced a severe trauma that pretty much "blew the house down", and I was left in the devastating and overwhelming debris of anger, sadness and confusion. Life as I knew it was completely destroyed...along with my plastic embodiment of purposeful existence. I spent months walking around with my head and heart disconnected. I had no idea what to do with myself, and barely found the strength to go through the daily robotic motions of wandering aimlessly until sheer exhaustion forced me to my bed for the night.

And here I am today:

There are obvious physical changes, but those have only come because of the change inside. It's been a long hard road and the changes have been tough and challenging, but I've NEVER felt better in my life physically, emotionally or mentally.

If you want to know what changes I'm talking about...come back! I'll be giving specific detail in my future posts!

Until then...remember "nothing changes, if nothing changes" and if you want to determine your destiny you've got to jump into the front seat and take control!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

If I Don't Need It...It's Gone!

At first glance, change looked like this:

I wanted it pretty bad. And I knew in the end I would be celebrating a grand accomplishment. But it was so overwhelming to figure out how to begin.

There's a lot of information available on the internet, multiple opinions in a never ending supply of self-help books, and of course there's the committee in my head that has already decided 1) This isn't worth it  and 2) This is NEVER going to happen, so I'd be foolish to even consider doing anything different than leaving my life's outcome to the "fate controlling trolls" of the universe.

But I'm so tired of pathetic messages, done with being a people pleaser, and I've turned in my resignation for door mat services. My plan for change is definitely calculated. It's like a huge jigsaw puzzle. I can see the beautiful outcome. I can visualize the breathtaking view at the top of the mountain. I AM the master of my fate. I alone determine what changes take place, and I have set my own pace. It's not a race; I have NO ONE to compete with but my own freaking awesome self. I am carefully choosing my goals, becoming an authority on achieving my dreams and blowing my own mind with the reality of what I can accomplish! I have been sifting through the pieces and have set up the frame work. And slowly, but steadily over time, I am sorting through all of the possibilities, working one section at a time until all of it comes together for a perfect fit. It will be a masterpiece. It will be MY masterpiece!

So, here's what I don't need:

• Luke warm fence sitting - I'm all in or all out. My time, my schedule, my likes and dislikes, my health, my happiness, my opinions, my beliefs...they ALL matter. This is MY plan for change...not my mom's, or my sister's, or my boss's, or my friend's plan. Too many authorities and the plan is no longer mine.
• Indecisiveness - Decisions have to be made. If I let someone else dictate the plan, they also dictate the outcome. If I'm not happy with the outcome...I have no one to blame but myself.
• Boxes - I can't allow myself to be "boxed in" by what anyone else thinks, or by fear, or by negativity. Nor can I allow pessimism, or "what if's" or laziness or procrastination or insecurity to keep me from moving freely to achieve my goals.
• Distractions - These are huge! And they are dangerous. Nothing gets done if I don't have my plan broken down into smaller manageable parts. Something has to be done every single day to move me toward my goal of change. Focus is imperative. I've learned being accountable to myself is essential to success. I MUST say what I mean, and mean what I say. I MUST follow through with what I've committed to myself to accomplish in any given time period. It's way too easy to put it aside and leave it for later, because it doesn't affect anyone else. But...if I can't be accountable to myself I've pretty much quit before I've even gotten started.

Me first! I'm in the front seat! It's a crazy ride and sometimes it's a little

very scary. There are going to be moments of panic, and a few u-turns, and some tire marks, evidence of an abrupt screeching of the brakes when I suddenly lost my mind and stopped moving forward for a time. But ALWAYS, every day from this day forward I WILL stay in the front seat and be in control. This is MY ride, MY journey, MY choice. And when I get to the finish line I want NO regrets. I want to arrive with my wind blown, mud stained, happier than hell self thinking it was the best decision I have ever made.

I'm all in! Are you with me? 

Calculated Change!