Go Ahead and Cancel That Subscription

About a year ago I served on a committee responsible for the planning and execution of a dinner and program for approximately 200-300 women. We spent about 6 weeks planning every detail from the menu right down to the table decor and the lighting that would set the proper ambiance for the event.

On the evening before, while we busied ourselves with setting up tables and chairs, placing our carefully thought out decor around the room, and adding the finishing touch of burlap runners and center pieces for the tables, I suddenly found myself struggling for breath and realized the burlap I'd been handling was a dangerous trigger for my asthma. Having had little to no trouble with my asthma for the 2 years previous, I found myself ill prepared with no inhaler...which added to my feeling of anxiety and panic. 

I quickly excused myself, jumped in my car and speedily drove the 5 minutes it took to arrive home, all the while trying to assess what level of intervention I was going to need. Long story short...I survived, but learned a couple of very important lessons.

1. Always be prepared. I let my inhaler prescription expire and decided not to get it renewed because "I was doing just fine without it". Do you see how well that worked for me? Thankfully, a hot shower, a full dose of antihistamine, a fresh change of clothes, and a whole lot of prayer and patience paid off. And I got right in to my Dr the next morning to get a new prescription, a peak flow meter, and an "asthma plan". (He was a new Dr I'd never seen before due to my moving to a new location). I am now happy to say I'm more educated and more prepared for the next occurrence (I have since realized just how out of control my asthma was even before this incident).
2. Sometimes "toxins" can catch you off guard. I had no idea burlap was so "toxic" for me. I learned the hard way. But I paid attention, made note, and will never ever again allow myself to be subjected to it. I now know it's something I have to stay away from if I want to protect my health. There is no bargaining. No making exceptions.

So why am I telling you this story? Sometimes people are toxic. And just like that burlap affected my physical well-being, they can wreak havoc on a person's mental health and emotional well-being. These are people who: 

• Selfishly take up all of one's time and/or energy
• Constantly criticize others
• Play the role of "victim"; always talk like everything wrong in their life is someone else's fault
• Have a negative mindset; always worried, stressed, pessimistic and complain a lot (disclaimer: It's important to distinguish the difference here between people who are truly toxic and individuals who have a negative outlook because they suffer from clinical depression)
• Have a "short fuse"; always belittling, berating, insulting or yelling. Being around them causes one to feel like they must tread carefully
• Manipulate and use others
• Hurt and disappoint others

It's exhausting; but left unresolved, it can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms which in turn allow a toxic person to have power over an individual for years to come. So what can you do?

• Identify the toxicity: Toxic people are often manipulative and selfish. They are hard to please and impossible to work with. They have difficulty owning their feelings and aren't likely to apologize or admit they are wrong.
• Set healthy boundaries: It will be hard, but it's imperative. Once the boundaries are set, stick with them. Don't make exceptions to the rule.
• Don't be too nice: Toxic people thrive on "niceness". They take advantage and manipulate goodness and kindness to their favor. Be firm. Don't be cruel, but don't be overly accommodating.
• Don't rescue: Don't cave to their "neediness", a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend. Let what's theirs be theirs. If their situation really is critical, direct them to resources or professionals that specialize in catering to those needs.
• Establish clear limits for interactions: Don't allow for the creation of problems or drama in your life.
• Don't try to change them: There is no change for someone who doesn't want to change. If it's working for them, let it be what it is. But step away.

I'd be stupid to expose myself to burlap and trigger my asthma knowingly. Clearly, it's a hazard, a toxin for my lungs. Since breathing is an essential function for a healthy lifestyle, it makes sense to steer clear; to be vigilant and intentionally avoid any further contact. So it is with toxic people. I have enough stress, anxiety, and problems of my own. Life is hard enough without "subscribing to another person's issues". Sometimes toxic people creep into a person's life unexpectedly. Sometimes they're a part of one's family. Some are easier to deal with; in some cases, it may require professional help to gain the tools necessary to make a break. It's a lot of hard work, but the pay-off is well worth it! Health and well-being are a precious commodity. Why would one knowingly hand it over to another person? Life is short. Take it back! Go ahead and cancel that subscription!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Biggest Thief in Life

I remember like it was yesterday when my three oldest children were tiny. The days were long and hard and my kiddos required so much of my time and attention. I woke up early every morning and before my feet hit the floor, I was already strategizing my plan for surviving until nap time. That's all the further my brain could take me. There was no thought of cleaning or laundry or what to cook for dinner; just the agonizing anticipation of a nap, though the laundry and cleaning and dinner preparation all happened rather haphazardly. I heard often from more seasoned and experienced mothers that I should cherish this time in my life; they may as well have suggested finding joy in herding cats, or taking a swarm of bumble bees for a lovely day at the park. I couldn't figure out how to cherish meeting our $600 health insurance deductible in the month of January, the anxiety of being separated from a child who'd mysteriously wandered out of sight, being down with the stomach flu while my littles ran through the house like a tornado, the sudden full blown tantrums in the grocery store, or the 300,000,000 sleepless nights sitting up with one who refused to go to sleep.

Of course some days were easier than others. There were moments of giggles and laughter, squeals of joy at the anticipation of a play date, time well spent settling in with a favorite movie and treat, and scores of birthdays and holidays well celebrated. But these were not the norm...they were merely the moments that made the mostly difficult reality a little more bearable. I longed for the day when my children would be more self reliant, less needy and demanding. But I soon realized with older children came a whole different set of worries, concerns and demands...and certainly no less physical or emotional exhaustion.

Why is it  we lust for future comfort, for the next chapter in our lives? I think it's too easy to jump into anticipation of what's to come; sometimes that's to prepare, to set goals, to have something to look forward to, but my experience tells me much of the time it's looking forward to being done with my unfavorable miserable circumstances, moving on to something much more desirable, the reality  of my future I've observed with my rose colored glasses. But life throws wrench after stupid wrench in the plans I have for my "perfect" life. And if I'm not careful I get caught in the tangled web of "my life sucks" and "everyone has it better than me!" 

So how does one learn to find joy in the moment? Let me share a few things I've learned:

1. Adopt a mantra. Sounds corny? You really should give it a try. Find a quote or saying that really speaks to you then put it on your mirror, or hang it on the wall by your bed. Say it OUT LOUD at least 10 times a day and it will eventually become a part of your thought process. Here are a couple of my favorites: "Come what may and love it!" and "Embrace the suck!" My cousin recently shared that last one with me. (Thanks Angela!)
2. Slip into the "end zone".  Shut your mind down. Just for a few minutes quit thinking about your present circumstances, or worrying about the future. Turn it off. Let it rest. You'll be amazed at the difference that reset makes. No, your problems won't disappear. Your "stuff" will still have to be dealt with. But it WILL make a difference, at least temporarily, in your ability to find some peace.
3. Lighten up. Look for something to smile or laugh about. When my son was 3, and learning to dress himself, he came to me one morning super excited about his shirt. "Is my shirt on backwards?" he asked with a twinkle in his eyes. "Nope" was all I replied. And with that he jumped into the air and clapped his little hands "I did it!", he exclaimed with great enthusiasm. "It's wards!" "It's what?" I asked feeling a little confused. "It's wards! It's not backwards! It's wards!!" That made me laugh right out loud and his enthusiasm for what I saw to be such a little thing impacted the rest of my morning. Try it. It's amazing what a little laughter can do.
4. Lie down and "melt like butter". Seriously, close your eyes and start at the top of your head. Imagine every part of you in turn, melting like butter. This is something I used with my children when they had a stomachache or a headache. It worked like magic to get the pain under control and they  were better able to rest.
5. Get up and move! Just 5 minutes is all it takes. Just a little walk down the street or around your office or around your house if that's all you can manage. Movement helps the blood to flow and aids in clearing your mind and heart of stress or emotional distress. Get that blood pumping and you'll begin to feel a little better.
6. Express gratitude. I know it probably sounds a little trite. But have you tried it lately? Write a thank you note. Send a text. Make a phone call. I'm sure there's someone who's graced your day with kindness. Make a list of blessings, of all the things that are going right in your life. Make a list of all the people you love and appreciate. It's a "love lift" for your heart. "It's not happy people who are grateful, it's grateful people who are happy." I have no idea who said that, but I really like it!
7. Practice awareness. Have you noticed the sun come out behind the clouds? Noticed the simple beauty of a field of flowers? Felt the rain on your face? Noticed how warm your heart feels when someone gives you a hug or holds your hand? Have you listened to the laughter of the neighborhood children or taken time to take in the scent of your favorite lotion or your spouse's cologne or perfume? How about savoring that luscious bite of ice cream or the crazy yummy taste of that slice of homemade bread? Tune in. Engage ALL of your senses. Be completely aware of your surroundings and what's going on around you. And while you're at it...breathe long and deep.
8. Listen. All around you there are people who are worse off than you are. You hear it on the news, see it all over social media, probably have some friends or neighbors going through a pretty difficult challenge. Let your heart feel that compassion. If it's someone close, express your love and desire for their circumstances to improve. Find someone to pray for. Prayer is healing not only for the one needing the healing, but also for the one doing the praying.
9. Spend time with your pet. Animals have a way of providing comfort and peace. They are quick to curl up in your lap and their love is unconditional. They just love you because you are. If you have a pet, let them spoil you with love and attention. It's as good for them as it is for you. 
10. Do something nice for yourself. Nope, that's not selfish. It's called excellent self-care. Take time out for a bubble bath, a warm shower, a good book, a long walk, a piece of chocolate, a favorite movie, time with a friend, a hobby...anything you like and appreciate. Don't let yourself get lost in the crowd. When everyone else comes first, you don't "come at all". You're never last. You'e just forgotten...sitting on the shelf of life waiting for attention. If you don't give it, no one else will. It's not anyone else's responsibility. Try it. Every day. Your heart, your mind, your family, your coworkers and your inner child will thank you!

Looking forward in anticipation of the next phase, the better circumstance, the easier times, truly is the biggest thief in life. Don't let anticipation steal your happiness or well-being. There is always something to smile about. 

Find it!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Drowning in Truth

When I was a child, I loved to sing; not because I thought I was any good at it...it just made my heart happy. It wasn't an obsession; I just put my heart and soul into every opportunity to let the notes burst out of my mouth and ring in the air. As a Primary child (in the LDS faith), I really enjoyed learning the words to, and singing new songs. Music class in elementary school was a highlight of my week. I looked forward with great anticipation to inviting my parents to the concerts scheduled in the spring each year, at which we performed the songs we had memorized and worked to perfect under the direction of some patient and somewhat hopeful music teachers.

The evening of my sixth grade concert was no different. I arrived on time and waited patiently in the classroom feeling super pumped about the chance to shine brilliantly for my family in this performance! As we left the classroom and headed into the gym to take our assigned places on the bleachers, I couldn't stop the excitement I felt from bursting into a smile that betrayed my eleven year old attempt to appear calm and composed. "A word of caution", whispered the skinny dark haired girl to my left. "You can move your mouth, but don't let any sound come out. You don't sound so good when you sing". And suddenly, I didn't feel so much like singing. Ever. Again.

This is a hard subject for me to write about. It's not about singing; it's about all of the things that come to mind, many of which are too painful for me to share. Some are traumatic and bring to the surface emotions that easily get out of control. There are a few that are embarrassing; and no matter how hard I work to convince myself that I've learned and changed because of choices I've made or difficult experiences I've had,  my mind and heart are again flooded with horrible feelings of shame. Like the rest of you, my life is filled with moments and choices that I'm not proud of...that I'd really rather forget. There are also physical flaws, personal problems, weaknesses, emotional and physical scars, and devastating losses that sit as comfortably with me as a herd of elephants in my "room of life". I used to feel like a pile of mismatched emotional and physical pieces and parts organized and carefully put together to create the best outcome one could expect "with what was available". But not anymore.

I've decided to get real and swallow some humbling practicalities:

• What you think of me is none of my business: No one knows my story, my thought processes, the deepest desires of my heart, or my real intentions. And I need to be at peace with that. Life is too short to worry about what someone else might be thinking about how I look, how I act, how perfect I am or am not, whether or not I deserve the life I have, the car I drive or the home I live in. The only one who can rightfully judge me is God. I am His business.
• What I need to change about me...is up to me: Yes, there are probably more than a few annoying things about my personality, my lifestyle, my habits and even my attitude. But "if it's to be...it's up to me". If I don't want to change, don't see a need for change, or can't see a way to change, that's mine; and the responsibility for any fall-out is mine.
• It's not good to hang around toxic people: They have too much influence on my thinking and my emotional health, and hinder my ability to act and/or react independently of their self serving rules and expectations.
• My weaknesses can actually be used as strengths: Emotions such as fear and anger can actually fuel a desire in me to take a necessary action I may not have had the courage to take otherwise. My shyness (yes, I'm somewhat shy) helps me to be better about reaching out to people who may feel anxious or intimidated by new surroundings or experiences. 
• Change is hard, but so rewarding: Instead of beating myself up about things I don't like about me, I can figure out how to change and be kind to myself in the process. The payoff is usually much more than I imagined it could/would be. To look back and see how far I've come is an amazing, encouraging experience. And the good news is I only have to compare my past self to my present self...it doesn't matter who is better or not up to par with my own progress.
• Hard stuff is an unchangeable part of my story: We all have secrets, parts of our history, our challenges, and our physical makeup that we don't usually want to make public. But, we can't deny them or pretend they just don't exist. Sloths are the slowest mammals on earth. They average movement of about 125 ft in a single day. While it might be really frustrating to hang around those painfully slow creatures, if I understood the reason for their behavior (their lean herbivorous diet demands that they conserve energy) I might be a little more understanding and sympathetic...cut them some slack. Likewise, some of my physical attributes, my traumatic experiences, my character flaws may be less than desirable, but if I choose to embrace them...cut myself some slack...it's a little easier to find the joy and enjoy the journey.

I now recognize AND embrace the fact that all of the trauma, the embarrassment, the shame, my choices and life experiences, my character weaknesses and physical flaws, my losses, and my physical and emotional scars have been significant AND essential to my becoming who I am today. They are MY truths, held permanently in place by pillars of self-compassion, unbreakable courage, relentless vigilance, and unbelievable strength. I am proud to be the culmination of the past, present, and future chapters of the story of my life. I pledge to own it and honor it in all of it's imperfection and unfairness, and uncertainty.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I Was Meant To Be With You

When I was in elementary school, my family moved around a lot. Before I'd finished 6th grade (middle school, or junior high as it was called back then, included grades 7-9), my family had lived in 2 different states, 3 different communities and 5 different homes...and I'd attended a total of 5 schools. I was a shy child who didn't connect with friends very easily; this made life a bit complicated, which in turn gave me great anxiety. I didn't have the wherewithal to question my life's circumstances, nor did I feel I had much choice in the matter. "Keep your mouth shut and go with the flow"...that was my "self-talk" from a very early age. "Take what life throws at you", I told myself, "and whatever happens, happens. Don't make waves. Keep the peace. Put a smile on your face and hope for the best". 

While sitting in Mr. Eagan's 5th grade classroom at the close of one pretty ordinary school day, I took a piece of paper and a pencil from my desk, and randomly decided to calculate the ages of all the members of my family the year I was to graduate from high school; there were 8 of us, including my two parents: hmmm...47, 44, 24, 21, 18, 16, 12 and 8. Wow! My parents will be old! And that was that. It never entered my mind to go a little further down that road: And then what? What will I do after high school? What occupation will I be interested in pursuing? What kind of car will I drive? Where will I live? Who will I marry? How many children will we have? What will I be like when I'm as old as my parents? There was very little in the way of pondering and planning; life was not an adventure over which I had any say, but rather something that happened to me...something to be endured.

When I actually graduated from high school, I felt lost. The prospect of adulthood had toyed with me, but came upon me as unexpectedly as a cat ending his game of chase with a sudden pounce of sheer determination and exact precision. Circumstances forced me to take actions I was ill prepared for, and I was thrown head first into the unbridled whirlpool of my reality.

I attended a community college with no end game in mind. I took classes that would still leave me unprepared for a solid future; every day was the same...get up, go to class, go home and study, work at a minimum wage dead end job for a few hours, go home and go to bed. I "lived" for the weekend, but even then I really had no idea what to do with myself. A friend and I decided to attend an out-of-state junior college. I obtained the application, filled it out, turned it in, and got accepted. But I never went; I hadn't even thought far enough ahead to consider how I'd get there, let alone how to pay for it.

Fast forward thirty-five years, in which time I'd survived a lot of crap and trauma, loved with all the intensity my heart had to offer, and matured well past the age my parents were when I'd graduated from high school. But in all that time, I never dreamed. I never planned. Life happened...I just took it as it came, an hour, a week, a year at a time, anxiously watching it unfold from the sidelines.

Until about a year ago...

I'm not sure what happened...maybe it's the realization that over half a century of my life has passed...the majority of my mortal existence is done and gone. Perhaps I'm too old to be so afraid of the unknown anymore. Or I suppose, it's because I've learned there's no room for regrets. Whatever the case, I've come to the realization that it's never too late to take the reins. I'm never going to be too old to dream...to make something  specific happen in my life. I choose to be the master of my fate. Me and my destiny...we were meant to be together. My dreams are now much different than they would have been in my youth. The door of opportunity is in a different location, and the road to success has changed course, but I have an opinion, a desire, a say in how the rest of my life plays out. And, I can't wait to see how it all comes together! (My ten year old self would be so proud!)

I'm all in! Are you with me?

She's Never Coming Back

I've heard the term "mid-life crisis" pretty much all of my life. As a teenager, I really couldn't wrap my brain around what that meant. In my early 20's I understood what it meant, but thought it was a little ridiculous that someone well into their adult years would suddenly feel unsettled with where they were in life and make drastic changes to be or do something different. Now I'm in my 50's; while I'm not freaking out and acting crazy trying to recreate myself, I have over the past 5 years pondered deeply "when my life comes to an end, what will I be remembered for? What will be my legacy? What difference or impact will I have made in my little cobweb covered corner of the world?" And I think I've found the answer. I want to be a leader. 

In my youth was painfully shy; the last thing on my mind was the possibility of being a leader in anything. I was a skinny kid with buck teeth, horn rimmed glasses, mousy brown shoulder length hair and the personality of a flea bitten dog...uncomfortable in my own skin, easily distracted, and not much fun to be around.

In my early adult years, I was fearful; afraid of change, afraid to stretch and try something new. I was apprehensive about jumping into anything hard, risky, unknown, or demanding. I was committed to stand firm and unmovable in the confines of my comfort zone, and avoided anyone who suggested stepping out of it, like the plague. My life was miserable, but at least it was predictable.

Five years ago life as I knew it came to an end; I was forced to stand independently, to think solely for myself, to make life changing decisions on my own, to take risks, to face the unknown. I stared fear in the face, courage became my new best friend, and desperation to avoid drowning in the tumultuous sea of life became my driving force. 

Eleven months ago, I came up on a business opportunity that intrigued me. It sounded like enough of a challenge to be adventurous and rewarding, but not too overwhelming. I jumped in "head first" with the enthusiasm of a young child let loose in a Disney theme park, feeling like my "pot of gold" lay just on the other end of a gloriously breathtaking rainbow. Very quickly, however, I realized just how naive I was in my thinking and in my approach.

It didn't take long before discouragement and disappointment set in; I felt sheepish, and several times nearly crumbled at the feet of failure and humiliation. But there was one tiny spark inside me that seemed to shout "Don't you quit! It's not over yet! Hang on! You can do this! Just wait and see!" So I hung on. Every single day I got out of bed and spent time trying to decide what to do differently. I fought hard against discouragement and depression and frustration and anxiety and fear. Some days I felt hopeful, but most days I felt like the mountain was too hard to climb. And then one day I came across this quote: 

BAM! It was like a switch flipped inside my head and I had a complete change of mindset. No one (including myself!) had the right to tell me I couldn't succeed. Yes, I was a long way from success. Yes there was SO MUCH I needed to learn. Yes, there was a ton of work to be done. Yes, there was a mountain of changes to make. Yes, it was going to be hard. But most importantly, IT WAS GOING TO BE WORTH IT!!

Now, nearly an entire year later, the mountain is still a mountain. But I choose to focus on the ground right in front of me instead of looking up to try and see how much longer it's going to take or how much further I have to go. I choose to greet each new day with a "to do" list, and each new week with a few simple goals to get me a little further up the mountain. I choose to be accountable to myself...to follow through with what I said I would do...even if no one else heard what I said. I choose to have a positive "can do" attitude and pick myself up and dust myself off when I miss the mark. I choose to be happy doing what I'm doing and grateful for the opportunity. I choose to face my fears and set the ground work for others to follow my lead. I choose to share what I've learned and continue to have an attitude of always seeking knowledge. I choose to be an inspiration to others instead of a hindrance. I choose to be responsible for my thoughts, my actions and my attitude. I choose to smile and talk to people I don't know. I choose to "bloom where I'm planted". I choose to change and I choose to grow.

It's not an accident...I'm no longer who I used to be. And the "old me" is never coming back. As you can see in the photos above, I've obviously made changes to my physical appearance, but one can hardly help but notice the happiness, peace, contentment and confidence that has come to me over the past 5 years, the result of changes in my thinking, my daily habits, and my emotional health.(FYI these are all selfies taken with my phone; none are the work of a professional). Change is hard. It requires the sacrifice of time and effort, and giving up a piece of yourself in exchange for something even better. It happens slowly, a little here and a little there, barely noticeable until one day you can look back and see just how far you've come. You have to pay the price. You have to do the work. And most of the time only you will notice. But no one will be more surprised, more at peace, or more grateful than you with the result of the work you've done. It's such an amazing journey!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

If the World Was Blind

In September 2016 I had an interesting experience:

From my journal:

"I attended my mom's ward today (I'm LDS or Mormon as some refer to us and our congregations are divided into wards. You are assigned a ward depending on where you live within certain boundaries). In Relief Society (the women's organization that meets during the 3rd hour of church) the lesson was on honesty and how we can improve in our personal lives.. By direction of the instructor, the discussion turned to being honest with ourselves.. She stated that she felt impressed while preparing the lesson, that she should do an activity...that someone in attendance would need to hear what was being said. She asked that we move ourselves into pairs so each of us would have a partner. I was in a group of 3 and voluntarily moved to sit with a woman who was sitting alone. The instructor gave us the following instructions: The woman on the left was to remain silent and write down the things the woman on the right said for a period of 45 seconds. The woman on the right was to look directly into the eyes of the woman on the left and tell her what she saw in them. I was on the right. At first I was a little nervous and uncomfortable; however, I was soon humbled and so grateful for the experience as I felt I was truly looking into her soul. Some of the things I saw were kindness, confidence, a wonderful sense of humor, a great love for those around her (especially her family), and a deep connection with her children...which was amazing as I had never even seen her before this experience (I found out at the end of the meeting that she too was visiting that day).

When the time was up, we switched and she did the same with me. She saw that I was peaceful, had a great depth of character, was service oriented, selflessness, wise, compassionate, non-judgmental, willing to connect, and kind. 

At the end of this experience, the instructor said "What you saw in each other's eyes, is what God sees; the truth of who he knows you to be and loves". It was a surprisingly emotional experience that I will never forget.

Sometimes in life, there is too much emphasis on beauty, fame, and fortune. We as a society, tend to look up to, and admire, those who are "model material", whose looks outshine the rest. We put those who have the "perfect shape" and the "perfect size", with the "perfect hair" and "perfect teeth", on a pedestal worthy of the gods. We look to, and aspire to be like, those who "know it all" and "have it all". We want to "grow up and be just like them". And unless/until we are...just like them, we treat ourselves, and anyone else who doesn't fit the mold, as less than the dust of the earth, while peering over our shoulders to make sure the "target" doesn't move too far out of our sights. It's an easy trap to fall into.

I don't know where you fall in this whole scenario, and it doesn't really matter to me what your answer is. But let me ask you this...If the world were blind, how many people would YOU impress? Where is your focus? What positive character traits are you working to develop? What weaknesses and bad habits are you looking to abandon? Are you known for your kindness...or are you one to be avoided? Do you have a good work ethic or are you lazy and full of excuses? Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen or looking to cheat the system and pull the wool over people's eyes? Are you patient in heavy traffic or do you tend to take your frustration out on the vehicles on the road around you? Do you race to take that parking spot someone else was trying to get into or do you pass and look for something else?  What kind of reputation do you have with you family? Your spouse? Your children? Your employees? Your employer? Your church congregation? 

Not one of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. But sometimes we get set in our ways, and for one reason or another, feel validated in our treatment of others. The golden rule still stands. Treat others as you wish to be treated by others. It takes patience. It takes courage. It takes humility. But it's worth the effort so as to enjoy the fruits of your real and honest intent...to be recognized for the kind of person you are, for your heart, rather than your looks, your fortune or your fame.

One day at a time. One step at a time. One habit at a time. One trait at a time. It's never to late to change. But nothing changes...if nothing changes.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Had I Not Swallowed Pieces of Hell First...

I know I'm not alone, but looking around sometimes I feel like it. In the secret corners of my mind I sometimes feel bullied by the cruelty of life. Heart wrenching experiences of my own, topped with those of people I love fiercely, sometimes threaten to hurl me far past my tipping point into the vast bottomless pit of despair. And the minutes and hours just keep ticking away as if to mock my inability to withstand the force. One sucker punch, one blindside, one flattening after another, sometimes life doesn't even allow me to catch my breath; and the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be nothing but another freaking freight train.

Adversity. It's real. And sometimes it's harsh. However:

• Adversity is a true test of one's strength. In my most difficult experiences I have come to realize I choose whether to be defeated or make a triumphant come back. 
• Adversity is educational. There is much to be said about learning from the hard knocks of life. I've learned so much about myself, what I'm really capable of overcoming, how to make better choices, and that healing really does take place if I'm patient and willing to ride out the storm.
• Adversity can destroy or strengthen relationships. In my personal life I have experienced first hand the benefits of clinging to others who are equally affected by a trial, working to love, support and comfort one another vs the loss of relationships due to one or the other retreating into bitterness or denial.
• Adversity develops patience. Going through tough times of my own, reminds me to be patient with others. Rarely do we know what other people are going through because we all have a tendency toward keeping things under wraps; you know the drill..."put your public face on, and "smile all the while" lest you become the uncomfortable focus of attention. 
• Adversity teaches us compassion. When I hear of another woman having a miscarriage, learn of the separation in a marriage, observe the rebellious attitude of a child toward their parents, see someone struggling to pay the bills...my heart hurts for them because I've been there.
• Adversity teaches us to be grateful. Tough times help me appreciate the good times. When life is rough, I'm so grateful for periods of time without struggle. I welcome the peace that comes after a stretch of discord or turmoil. Broken relationships, loss of loved ones to death or estrangement, deepens my appreciation for time spent with those I may otherwise take for granted. The cold and dark dreariness of winter makes my heart burst with delight for the warmth and light of spring. A bout of illness promotes in me a humble recognition of the blessing of good health.

You see,  had I not swallowed pieces of hell first, never could I have known the taste of heaven. It's all about embracing the harshness of life for the reward of enjoying it's treasures.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Sometimes My Emotions Sneak Out of My Eyes

Life is harsh. I have cried more tears of sadness than I want to admit...memories of life experiences such as the deaths of loved ones, broken trust, strained relationships, health issues, financial difficulties, life changing decisions...the list goes on endlessly. Sometimes I just can't stop the tears. At times they drip quietly down my cheeks; other times they burst from my eyes like a roaring waterfall and create a flood of evidence that my mind and heart have surpassed their capacity to hold pain or sorrow or fear.

My tears aren't always sad tears. Take for instance the memories I have of the days each of my children were born. I put pen to paper in an attempt to express the feelings of my heart on each of those special occasions:

Connection

Only moments ago

I wondered who you were;

Now that I am holding you

My heart begins to stir.

Suddenly I recognize

Now that we’re together,

I would give up everything

To be with you forever.

-Karla Claybrook

Thinking of those sacred tender moments always makes me shed a few tears, as that feeling of unspeakable joy again fills my heart. These among others, are some of the memories I hold dear. I'm grateful no one can ever steal them from the corners of my heart and mind that only I am allowed access to.

Growing up I hated crying. I fought it ferociously. And when I was unsuccessful at keeping my tears at bay, I beat myself up emotionally as I resolved that next time I would fight harder, and be stronger. However, with time I've come to realize crying serves a purpose and is definitely not a sign of weakness. Here are some things I've discovered:

• Tears lubricate our eyes to protect them from infection, and help to remove irritants such as smoke, exhaust, dust particles and even those random little "free spirited" eyelashes that sometimes get in the eye.
• Crying helps to release pent up emotions such as fear, sadness, and anger. When we're done crying our heart rate slows and our breathing becomes more regulated because we've entered a more calm emotional state.
• Crying releases hormones that dull emotional and physical pain.
• Emotional tears heal the heart. I used to tell my children "it's OK to cry; tears are band-aids for your heart".
• Crying helps to clear our minds and bodies of stress and sadness, and hurt and anger.
• Crying helps to heal depression and anxiety.
• Sometimes tears express what we are otherwise unable to express.
• Crying is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of vulnerability and helps us to make personal connections and build stronger healthy relationships.
• Crying helps us to acknowledge and confront emotions that may otherwise stop us from moving forward. Sometimes we have to take that risk to gain the benefits of personal growth.

Sometimes I choose to cry in private. It's a little easier to let the tears flow when I can just sit or lay on my bed and cry quietly to myself. There is no one to answer to; I have no need to explain or validate my need to cry, and I can cry for as long and as hard as I want.

I am careful about who I cry on. I hate being vulnerable, then having someone tell me I'm being silly, or there's no reason for tears. If I want to cry or need to cry, that's mine! I am responsible for my own emotions and if I need to express them or work through them NO ONE has the right to decide differently. And I extend that same compassion to others.

I'm grateful for tears; for the ability to express and release my emotions. When on this crazy journey of life you are feeling broken, useless, alone, incompetent, crushed or rejected OR when your heart is bursting with joy, happiness, gratitude, love, appreciation or elation, don't worry if those emotions sometimes sneak out of your eyes. It's healthy. It's healing. And it's completely acceptable!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Devil's Radio

 

"Word is going around that you're looking 'haggard'" my friend told me as she quickly encouraged me into her car. "We're going to fix that!" 

I had every reason to be looking haggard. I was single-handedly raising 3 children under the age of 5 (married to their nonparticipating father) and running myself into the ground to pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, handle the logistics of getting help for a child with a significant developmental delay, keep up with mountains of laundry, meet the demands of my church responsibilities, work through the issues I was facing with my own emotional health, cook and clean, and manage the expectations of a high maintenance spouse. It was a little overwhelming to say the least; I was a ticking time bomb. However, there was no consideration for the truth of the matter at hand from those who gossiped behind my back. My life was a mess. And while I was doing the very best I knew how, I was drowning in the ominous ocean of dysfunction.

I suppose there are a myriad of reasons why people gossip: perhaps there's a need for "indirect" retaliation, a desire to prove one's worth and qualification for fitting into the "in crowd", jealousy, seeking acceptance/friends, poor judgement, or maybe a lack of better things to do with their time. Sadly, to some it may even seem like a harmless form of recreation until they become the one people are talking about. I read an article recently that claimed gossip has healthy benefits, but I believe it to be far more harmful than beneficial. Just my own opinion of course...you may feel differently. In my mind it's akin to bullying, except the victim isn't present to defend themselves; in fact, they are likely unaware that it's happening. It's demeaning. It can ruin a person's reputation, it promotes lies or half truths about a person behind their back, and it creates a lot of unnecessary drama for everyone involved.

If you are the subject of gossip, here are some things that may be helpful:

1. Take a step back and identify your emotions.
2. Use calming strategies to ground yourself: go for a long walk, do some deep breathing exercises, take a long warm shower, meditate, go for a work out. This will give you time to think about how to approach the problem in a more realistic and healthy manner.
3. Recognize that the situation isn't really about you; it's about others needing to tear you down to make themselves appear at least a little better than you.
4. If you know who is behind the gossip, and you choose to have a conversation or a confrontation with them, be sure to do so in private, behind a closed door, with a calm voice, out of earshot of other people.
5. Don't go into the mode of attacking, intimidating or accusing. This will only "add fuel to the fire".
6. Don't include any other person in the conversation (so and so said this or that). That will only frustrate the conversation.
7. Be clear about your purpose for having said conversation. Are you trying to stop the gossip? Or are you trying to correct misinformation? Know your intent before you begin.
8. Be clear about your expectation following the conversation. What do you expect to happen as a result. Make sure they know your expectation as well.
9. Try not to focus on the negative experience. Focus on what's going right in your life. Spend some extra time letting yourself feel gratitude for all that is good and positive and brings you joy. 
10. Show yourself some compassion and have a forgiving attitude. It beats letting yourself continue to be angry, feeling stressed and "bent out of shape". The person who benefits most will be you. You will be better able to move on and have less negative impact on your health and well-being.

If you are one who spreads gossip, here are some things you might consider:

1. Get the facts before you consider opening your mouth...and not from a 2nd or 3rd party. If you didn't hear it first hand it's likely not true. There's no need to spread toxic, untrue, or one-sided information about people.
2. Ask yourself "What's my intent for passing along this information? Am I trying to make myself feel better? Is it harmful? Would I say it to their face?
3. What's behind your need to gossip? Are you angry? Are you jealous? What is the person doing that's bothering you so much?
4.  Wouldn't it be better to speak with the person face to face to find a solution to the problem? It may not be easier but it IS kinder and it will more likely cause a whole lot less drama. Perhaps it might foster a more healthy relationship between the two of you.
5. If someone comes to you with a bit of "juicy" information, change the subject or disengage. Walk away. Make up an excuse if you have to. Don't allow yourself to be a participant in such negative damaging behavior.

Gossiping may not be an easy habit for some people to break. But here's the thing: Even if the story is true, spreading it can cause so much more damage to the person being talked about, and have serious far reaching consequences. No one wants to be the topic of gossip. Everyone deserves a fair shake, to be given the benefit of the doubt. Is it worth ruining a relationship, a career, a family, a sense of acceptance and belonging? Is it worth the loss of a life? Think before you speak. A little kindness goes a long way. You may be the tipping point, the one who made the difference between a tragic loss and a comforted soul. Spread love not gossip.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

When Someone You Know Becomes Someone You Knew

I've spent the past week trying to decide how to dive into this post. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one affected by it, but it feels like I'm drowning in the ocean of experience with the subject of estrangement. I've been on both ends; I've been the one to walk away, and I've been the one left behind. Either way it's nothing less than heart wrenching.

In walking away I felt justified, but I couldn't shut down the "what if's" and the "whys". While I'd removed myself physically, my heart bounced ferociously between thriving in the "no contact" zone, and grieving the loss of what I craved and needed from said relationship.

On the other hand, being the one left behind has left me with questions unanswered, and a rush of emotion ranging from sadness and anger, to loneliness and intense grief. I've cried rivers of tears and spent many a sleepless night questioning how I can possibly move forward while "pages from the story of my life" have been ripped out, and hurled, along with my heart, into the fiery furnace of  tragedy and harsh reality.

It sucks. Really. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, family reunions, celebrations...they all come around, and over and over again I find myself mourning lost opportunities to make memories, crying over incomplete family photos, craving hugs and expressions of love, and longing to know if the person is well physically and/or emotionally; in some instances I'm left to wonder if they're dead or alive. My heart desires to greet each new day with patience and hope and certainty, trying to convince me that there's no reason to be sad or angry because eventually it's "going to be OK"; any minute they're going to "walk through the door", "waltz back into my life" and all will be right with the world. And then reality slams me to the floor, as if to penalize me for being such a fool as days and weeks turn into months and years. It's a stupid psychological roller coaster that leaves one wishing for immediate access to an eject button, as being catapulted into finality, though potentially devastating, might put an end to the constant "puking" from "emotion" sickness.

So how does one cope with estrangement? That's a really good question. I don't think there's a universal right answer for every single situation but there are some things that will start you in the right direction:

• Acknowledge the pain: My gut instinct is to try to ignore the pain because it's intense and overwhelming. But just like with physical pain, if I let my emotional pain get out of control it's hard to get a handle on it. It never really goes away, but there are things I can do to manage it: write in my journal, relax in a warm bath, go for a long walk, listen to calm peaceful music, sleep, distract my mind with a lighthearted movie or TV show, do a crossword or jigsaw puzzle, get out some play dough or kinetic sand, or coloring to name a few.
• Rely on the support of trusted family members and friends. You don't need to do this alone. You shouldn't do this alone. Reach out to those who can best offer you a nonjudgmental listening ear and a compassionate understanding heart.
• Join a support group: There are support groups specifically for estrangement between adult parents and their children, and for estranged siblings. Sometimes it helps to know there are others who have similar experience.
• Seek professional help: If you're experiencing debilitating anxiety, depression, a constant state of stress, fear, anger, loneliness, and/or intense sadness, a mental health professional can provide guidance and tools to help you cope. 
• Grieve your loss: It doesn't matter who's at fault. It is what it is...a painful loss. Be kind to yourself and allow time and space for the process of healing.
• Try your best to move forward: Life is going to keep moving right along. Don't sacrifice the present or the future by dwelling on regrets of the past. It's easier said than done, but eventually you have to stop "peeking over your shoulder" searching for what you've lost, and focus on what's ahead of you. Find the joy in the here and now.

Sometimes hearts heal and relationships mend. And sometimes they don't. But I've learned to cherish what's right in my life, to express gratitude for the healthy relationships I have, and pray for those who are lost to me. I don't have all of the answers, but I try to remember God does. You may not have much control over your circumstances, but you can choose how you deal with them.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

It's More Than My Heart Can Take And The World Just Keeps On Spinning

Loss is harsh. We've all been through it...divorce or break up of a relationship, death of a pet or loved one, the sale of a treasured family home, retirement or being laid off from a job, the onset of life-changing health conditions. a miscarriage...

And following loss comes the stages of grief:

1. Denial: "This can't be happening to me"
2. Anger: "Why is this happening to me?"
3. Bargaining: "Please don't let this happen to me...take it away and I will ________"
4. Depression: "I'm overwhelmed with debilitating sadness"
5. Acceptance: "I'm at peace with what has happened/is happening"

Grieving is different for everyone. There are many factors such as coping style, personality, life experience, faith, and the significance of the loss. Some people begin to feel better in weeks or months, but sometimes it takes years before healing takes place. There is no normal...it just is what is for each and every individual. It takes time, and requires patience.

But what if your loss is ambiguous...as in it doesn't allow for closure? Such might be the case for instance, for those who deal with infertility, aging parents with dementia, the loss of a loved one through suicide or estrangement, those abandoned by a parent, or whose loved one is plagued by addiction or a brain injury to name a few. Persons experiencing such a loss are usually left with a feeling of not knowing how to move forward, and often live with feelings of uncertainty, sadness, confusion, guilt, anxiety, or doubt. How does one cope with "frozen" grief?

• Don't pressure yourself to just move on: Take one day at a time. While there is no closure, there is hope for learning how to "carry" your grief. It may be necessary to seek the help of a professional, especially if it affects your ability to function, or if you seek to escape through addictive substances or harmful behavior.
• Seek support from loving, open minded, non-judgmental friends or family members.
• Take REALLY good care of yourself: Good self-care is imperative. Keep yourself well balanced physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 
• Ask for and accept help when needed: Your support people are good for lending a listening ear and offering a shoulder to cry on...but don't underestimate their willingness to help with errands, offer assistance with child-care, or bring in meals to help lift your spirit and lighten your heavy load.
• Remember you are not alone: We don't always know another person's story. I stumbled across this quote by Helen Keller recently. It speaks volumes:

• Don't "stuff your pain". Let the tears fall. Sit with the sadness, and the hurt, and the anger, and the grief. Be realistic about the fact that "it's not OK". It may never be OK. It's unfair and it sucks. But someday, with time, and patience, and healing, you will be OK.
• Don't dwell on the "if only", or "what should have been", or "what might eventually be". Stay in the present. Focus on the here and now. There is so much that is out of your control. Put your effort, and your thinking, and your energy on what's in front of you and keep moving forward. It's a lot harder than it sounds, but it's so essential to your healing and your well-being. 

I know from painful personal experience that ambiguous loss is devastating and ugly, but accepting it can provide one with strength and resilience, allowing them to move forward despite the pain. There is so much in life that is beautiful, amazing, endearing, and so worth the effort we must put forth to find it.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Thank Heaven For Tuesday

Last week I had an important event to attend. I got up early enough to allow plenty of time to get ready because I really wanted to look and feel my very best. I took an extra long hot shower, then carefully applied lotion to my then well hydrated skin. I conditioned my hair and purposefully enhanced it's natural wave, giving a little more body to my thin silver highlighted locks. I carefully applied my makeup, and took extra time to consider the clothes I would wear. It all came together perfectly, and with plenty of time to spare.

Breakfast for me every morning is a protein shake...one cup of almond milk or juice from select vegetables run through my juicer, six ice cubes, some flax seed, a little dark cocoa, and a scoop of my favorite protein powder. On this particular day, as I prepared to mix the ingredients in the blender, something fell out of the cupboard above and sent the container crashing to the floor...after it splashed all down the front of my perfectly put together attire.

Deep sigh. 

Some days are like that. Dealing with sick children, unmet deadlines at the office, traffic jams, insufficient funds in the bank account, fender benders, missed appointments, disagreements with a significant other, ruined meals, disappointing news...a single occurrence or multiple happenings in a day, can sometimes make you wish you'd stayed in bed and pulled the covers over your head.

And sometimes LIFE is like that...for weeks or months or years at a stretch! 

The good news is...Monday is followed by Tuesday, the weekend/days off come at the end of a long exhausting week, spring is a welcome sight after a long dark winter, a night of rest/sleep comes at the end of the day...there's always a new chance, a fresh start, a welcome do-over.

Here are some things to ponder and consider:

• DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN "PERFECTION": Just do your best and internalize the fact that your "10" is good enough. Roll with the punches, work your way around the boulders, move ahead slow and steady. Progress is progress!
• GET GROUNDED: Try to think rationally. Don't let other people tell you how to live your life. "Delete" and "backspace" exist for a reason. There isn't a shortage of erasers. You have the right to change your mind or your course. You alone are the author of your story.
• CELEBRATE THE SMALL VICTORIES: Every day you're going to have wins and losses. Focus on what went right and let the rest go.
• CHANGE UP YOUR ROUTINE: Take a different route, do things in a different order, stop doing what doesn't work, replace the "people pleasing" behaviors, be spontaneous, stop the madness!
• STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE: Make a move, take a risk, do something scary, be a little unpredictable!
• DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF: Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break. Pat yourself on the back. Be your own best cheerleader!
• FOCUS ON YOUR PASSION: Do what you love...and love what you do!
• BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF: Success, healing, change...they all take time...and a lot of patience. Begin where you are and take one step, one day, one experience at a time. The rest will follow.
• TRUST YOUR GUT: God gave us instincts for a reason. Use them.
• DON'T MAKE EXCUSES: If it's important to you...you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse. Ultimately it's all up to you.

Most importantly, remember you are NOT alone! Being human is a challenge. We are all in this together. Take life one day at a time and be grateful for the good and the joy and the blessings! The rest is water under the bridge.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I Am Thankful Thorns Have Roses

Several years ago, my family moved into a new house with no yard, located in a windy, sage brush laden desert of a neighborhood. For obvious reasons, everyone who had previously moved in to this fairly new development, chose to lay sod instead of planting seed. We were warned about the hazards of attempting to "grow a yard vs laying sod" in such precarious conditions, but were determined to save money and chose the seed route instead. It was fall, and preparing the ground for planting took a lot more time and patience than I had anticipated, but we persevered with the endless tilling and raking of the rock filled sandy soil until it was just right. 

With the seed finally planted, we began the process of waiting anxiously and with eagerness, for a sign that our efforts had paid off. Surprisingly, I found myself quite intrigued with the prospect of new growth, and often laid down on the walkway leading to our front door to more closely examine the fruits of our labor. And one day, my heart exploded with excitement when I observed the first tiny shoots of green boldly burst through that tediously prepared soil. 

All too soon, winter came and snow quickly covered our sparsely covered "lawn". We could only hope that it survived with a good chance of thriving in the spring. As winter came to a close, and the snow began to disappear, I cheered with delight when I noticed the grass in our yard had grown to be thick and healthy and lush...truly a most beautiful sight for my eyes to behold. Grass, which I had always taken for granted, quickly became something I more deeply appreciated.

I oftentimes find myself "going through the motions of life". Sometimes I have to remind myself to get out of "auto pilot" and engage my senses. Do you ever just sit quietly and really open your eyes to what's around you? Recently, I took my 4 year old grand daughter on a walk to the grocery store. I was inspired by her wonder and curiosity of all there was around her in the short distance we covered. We stopped for some time to observe butterflies hovering in a patch of flowers, watched with amazement as a young man skillfully operated a piece of equipment with a remote control to smooth a plot of dirt to perfection in preparation for a new piece of construction, we tested and celebrated our amazing balancing skills on the curb of the sidewalk, and chattered happily about cute bouncy puppies and kittens.

How long since you've opened your ears to the sounds around you? My heart sinks in sadness at the sound of an ambulance siren, knowing someone is not faring so well due to illness or accident, while evoking in me a sense of gratitude for my own physical well-being. The chirping of birds, the buzz of a bee, the wind softly whistling through the trees put a bounce in my step and a song in my heart. The laughter of children, the whirring sound of cars tires against pavement, the happy chatter of voices waiting for the movie, an orchestra performance or a dance recital to begin, reminds me to reflect on and appreciate human connection.  The sound of silence sometimes blares so loudly that tears and loneliness intrude upon my sense of peace and calm, while invoking a greater sense of appreciation for the support of family members and friends I have in my life.

Do you "feel" yourself walking, lifting your heel and then your toes, then in such perfect rhythm setting them back on the floor in front of you? Or watch your fingers as they obediently type or text a quick message? Do you appreciate the perfect rhythm of your beating heart, or the synchronized breathing of your lungs?

Do you stop to savor the sweet succulence of a juicy piece of fruit, the creamy texture of your favorite pasta sauce, or the heavenly satisfaction of a fudgy chocolate brownie? Are you conscious of every bite you take, present in the moment of enjoying a long awaited meal?

There is much to behold and discover and appreciate in every day life, but we tend to get caught up in the fast pace, the stress of deadlines, or the harsh realities of painful or difficult situations.

Here are some things that have helped me to stop the madness of life and enjoy the its more subtle beauties:

1. EMBRACE YOUR CREATIVITY: I know, you  think you aren't creative, but I beg to differ. Every time you open your mouth to tell someone about the crazy, dramatic, exciting, or unfair details of your life you are drawing on your creative powers! You are constantly shaping and reinventing the story of you life. Once you come to terms with that reality, you're much more likely to think of yourself as a creative genius! So go with that and you decide...what story are you going to create today?
2. LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH LESS LIMITATIONS: You know...the hesitation to try something new or different, the fear of how people might perceive you, that overwhelming urge to be in control, that "box" of predictable and safe and sane. Get rid of them. Step out and be spontaneous. Make up a bucket list of simple things, and another of things that might stretch you a bit, that you think would bring some fun or some adventure into your life and MAKE THEM HAPPEN! If I've said it once, I've said it a million times...Life is too short for regret!
3. SEEK BEAUTY IN THE MUNDANE THINGS OF LIFE: Yes, rainbows, and skydiving, and breathtaking landscapes, and amazing artwork can be glorious to behold. But sometimes beauty is found in the moments and places we least expect it...the tiny fingers and toes of a newborn baby, the feel of freshly laundered sheets, the fragrance of a gentle summer rain. the blossoming of a sunflower, or the wrinkles in the soft aging skin around your grandmother's eyes.
4. SEE LIFE THROUGH A SERIES OF "FIRSTS": Imagine being able to hear music, see vibrant colors, taste chocolate, smell bread baking in the oven, or use your arms to hug someone for the very first time. There's so much we take for granted because it's what we've always known. 
5. PRIORITIZE YOUR PASSION: We are sometimes so caught up in a world of deadlines and things we think must be done, and putting so much time and energy into having everything done to perfection, we sometimes forget to make the things we love to do a priority. If you're easily distracted, schedule out a block of time to do only that which you WANT to do. It may only be 30 minutes or an hour, or more, but left unscheduled it may never happen.
6. FOCUS ON THE GOOD AND POSITIVE IN LIFE: It's so much easier to dwell on the negative, unfortunate, difficult, obnoxious details of life. Give your mind and your heart a break. Keep a gratitude journal, make a happiness list, or consciously look for the positive, uplifting, faith promoting happenings of the day. It will change your mindset and your perspective!

Life is a mix of good and bad, happy and sad; reach for the joy and cherish the simple charm and delight of each new day. 

I'm all in! Are you with me?

There's a Reason Eggnog Isn't Available All Year

Christmas of my 8th grade year was one I will always remember. My dad was an archery enthusiast. He had all kinds of bows, he designed his own arrows, and he got the whole family involved with target practice. My younger sister was especially thrilled with the idea of someday having her very own bow, as there were 5 kids in our family still living at home to share with. 

That year, a tall, somewhat narrow, but not very deep box with this particular sister's name on it stood propped against some larger presents under the Christmas tree, boldly calling upon the growing, wild curiosity I struggled to ignore. I wanted desperately to know what was in that box, so I relentlessly pestered my dad...until he JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

"I'll tell you", he said in a voice of exasperation. "But you must promise to keep it to yourself."

"Oh I will!!", I said with a little more enthusiasm than I should have.

"It's a little ironing board. But don't tell."

It's a what? I said this quietly to myself because, well you know, it must have taken some "ingenious creativity" to come up with that one (can you hear my sarcasm?)...and I was secretly relieved it didn't have MY name on it.

"It's an archery bow!" I ran immediately to tell said sister in an attempt to get her really excited for nothing. "But don't tell anyone I told you."

I'd kept my promise to my dad, and  accomplished my goal of lighting the fire of anticipation in my gullible younger sister. Sadly, she was to be miserably disappointed, but we'd cross that bridge when we got to it.

Well, heaven must have been smiling down on me, because Christmas morning eventually arrived; and inside that magical box, was the bow my sister had been dreaming of! (My dad was a bit wiser than my 13 year old self gave him credit for).

I'm a sucker for anticipation! I love the days and weeks leading up to Christmas, my birthday, or a long awaited vacation. When my children were little, they were eager, as most children are, for holidays, the beginning of summer break, birthday parties and long awaited and carefully planned events. But I always found myself telling them..."Don't wish the time away! The thing you are looking forward to will come and just like that (snapping my fingers) it will be done and over with! Enjoy the anticipation!"

It seems that in our world of instant gratification, there isn't so much appreciation for looking forward to something, being giddy with excitement, feeling your heart beat a little faster as you wait for something wonderful to take place. But there are actually some really great benefits to anticipation: 

Stacey Kaiser, an editor of Live Happy magazine and a licensed psychotherapist says, "Anticipation alerts all of the pleasure centers in the body and says wake up, which can create happy feelings." Looking forward to something causes our brains to release hormones along the brain's reward system pathway.

So sometimes we have to intentionally create and prepare for anticipation. Here are a few things I've found helpful: 

1. DELAY GRATIFICATION: This doesn't come naturally in our culture of credit card purchases and express shipping of instant internet purchases. It's not always wise to purchase something in the spur of the moment, and receiving it immediately kills the anticipation and the joy felt when it eventually is received. I recently chose to wait with great anticipation for nearly a week for something I wanted "yesterday". The joy I felt when I finally received it was indescribable! 
2. PLAN SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO: Details for holiday celebrations, birthdays, vacations, events can all be prepared in advance. It doesn't need to be extravagant to be meaningful. When my children were young we made paper chains to "count down the days until...", planned ahead for summertime outings (trips to the public library, swimming, time with friends, picnics, day trips etc), and saved money by filling the piggy bank with spare change for "special treats". Now that they're adults, we still plan ahead and anticipate time and meaningful activities together. 
3. PRACTICE PATIENCE: Get comfortable with sitting in traffic, waiting at the Dr's office, standing in the check out line, receiving those long awaited test scores, hearing back from the contractor...and teach children to do the same. Patience is a precious commodity.

Anticipation is a lost art. It requires practice. It builds character. It creates a sense of happiness and joy and contentment.

I'm all in! Are you with me? 

Did That Really Just Happen?

You know those moments when you want to hide under the table, crawl under the carpet or just disappear into thin air? Yeah, me too:

• One day, when I'd been married for about 5 years, I decided to make cornbread...something I'd done many times before. After I'd added all of the ingredients and prepared to put it in the oven, I caught a glimpse of the can of baking powder and noticed it said "double acting". Immediately I envisioned the cornbread expanding and overflowing all over the floor of the oven as it baked for the time indicated in the recipe. I decided to call a friend, who cautiously admitted she'd never heard of double acting baking powder. I hung up and called another friend...and another and another and another, each of whom responded with the same non helpful "I have no idea what to tell you" response to my ever growing dilemma. I finally decided to call an elderly neighbor lady who listened intently to my frantic query. "All baking powder is labeled as double acting my dear" she said. "Put it in the oven and let it bake. It's all going to turn out fine."
• One day while working in the warehouse of a department store I was running a ticketing machine that, with the push of a button, printed, cut and pinned the price tag to items of clothing to be sold in the store. I allowed myself to become distracted and carelessly ended up with a straight pin going through my right index finger just above the first joint. I turned to my supervisor and told her what happened and then I passed out.
• While attending a meeting for the women of a church congregation I have never attended before, some of my extended family members and I (we were all visiting) were asked to stand and introduce ourselves. My aunt, who was sitting next to me, stood and introduced herself and then sat down. And then in a weird semiconscious sort of way I stood and introduced myself...as my aunt!
•  In a crazy moment of unrealistic expectation, I took my 2 preschoolers and my newborn with me on a "quick" trip to a department store to purchase myself some new pajamas. It took some searching, but I managed to find what I needed. I realized I'd taken a little too long when I heard a little voice merrily chanting at the top of their lungs "tampon, tampon, tampon-tampon-TAMPON!"  I immediately felt sorry for the poor mother of that child...then suddenly realized it was one of mine! (Note: said child had found a tampon in my diaper bag weeks before this incident, asked what it was, barely listened to my response, and skipped away to play. Ugh)

These are just a few of my embarrassing moments, but not my most embarrassing...I don't share those with the general public! 

Embarrassment usually stems from accidental behaviors, "violations of social standards", that lead you to have negative thoughts about yourself. In my experience with embarrassing situations, I can't help but feel like everyone present is as preoccupied with the situation as I am...all eyes on me, all brains quickly forming judgement, and tongues wagging furiously to compare notes or inform those who may have missed out on the "show". It's awkward and sorely uncomfortable. But it's a part of life...no human being is immune to embarrassment! It's driven by a disconnect between how we perceive we should respond and act in public vs. how we actually do respond and act in public. And getting through it can be most challenging. But here are a few things I've learned that make it a little smoother:

• Don't avoid the situation. Sit with it. Take a deep breath. It's best to talk yourself down and try to relax. Sometimes I can laugh it off. Sometimes I have to just be  still and keep my mouth shut to prevent the tears from overflowing. It likely will still sting, but will be a little more bearable.
• Don't apologize...unless you actually did something wrong. Apologizing unnecessarily over and over again, just makes the situation more awkward for everyone involved. 
• Don't focus on the fact that your face turned bright red. This happens as a result of the "fight or flight" response that kicks in because your brain sees embarrassment as a threat. The veins in your face and neck dilate to allow fresh blood and oxygen to flow. Put the focus instead on your breathing; taking slow deep breaths will help immensely. 
• Shut down the shame tapes. Those thoughts of regret or beating yourself up emotionally are destructive. Bring yourself out of that loop into the present. Change the subject, or make a silly joke about what happened. Most people can easily relate to how you're feeling and will just go with it. Those who don't...you don't need them around anyway!
• Stop freaking out about how many people are still thinking or talking about what happened. The truth is most of the people in the room probably were so distracted with what was right in front of them that chances are they didn't even notice. Those who did notice, have likely moved on.  And so should you! Fire that committee in your head.
• Don't beat yourself up. Let it be what it is...an isolated embarrassing moment. Don't let it define you.

OK so obviously some things are a little easier to recover from than others; making a poor choice, an act of retaliation, speaking unnecessarily hurtful words will likely take longer to get past than, say, spilling food down the front of your shirt, or tripping over your own feet in public. But eventually you need to forgive yourself. Learn a lesson (if you've actually done something wrong) and move forward. It may take some time, but it's worth the time and effort to avoid ruining your future by obsessing and being stuck in the past.

I'm all in! Are you with me?