Why Are You Carrying That Around With You?

"MOM! What are you doing???!!!" my daughter yelled so loud it shook me to the core. She was excited and I was excited for her. We were chatting and giggling as we headed to the neighborhood pet store to buy her a fish and a tank with all of the needed accessories. She'd been asking me for a long time and I was finally about to make it happen. But I wasn't paying attention and the signal light turned red...right before I went through the intersection, swerving to avoid broadsiding another car headed toward us from the other direction with horn blaring and tires screeching. We could have died...or at least been seriously injured. I replayed that near miss in my head for the entire rest of the day. I was shaken, freaked out, completely embarrassed, and ashamed that I'd let myself become so distracted at what could have been an unbearable cost.

Mistakes. I've made plenty of them in my 50+ years of life. Some were out of carelessness...accidents if you will, while others were intentional choices I made that turned out regretfully poor results. Either way, mistakes have always been a sore spot for me. I hate admitting that I've made them. I'd much rather "sweep them under the rug" and pretend they never happened.  Keeping them to myself seems the best option at the time, but eventually the shame and humiliation wreaks havoc until I can't help but bring it out and deal with it. Bringing it all back to the surface is ugly and painful and sometimes even sickening. However, it's akin to opening up a wound and cleaning it out to get rid of the infection. If left "untreated" it leads to worse problems than the mistake itself.

While rehashing and reflecting are a necessary part of helping us avoid similar mistakes in the future, they can become a seriously debilitating problem if allowed to spiral out of control. But how does one avoid that?

• Take the "self-judgement" component out of it. Instead of labeling yourself as stupid, incompetent, or foolish, delete those thoughts immediately and replace them with questions like "What can I learn from this?" or "How can I do better next time?" This will take practice. You'll have to be intentional and consistent. But it will work. Perhaps writing down your answers will be helpful in processing these questions.
• Distract and redirect your thoughts. Get back to what  your were doing before the details of the mistake invaded your brain. If it's bedtime and you're hopelessly unable to get to sleep because you can't stop thinking about what happened, change your worrisome thoughts to something neutral that doesn't involve emotion (counting sheep by 3's, reciting the alphabet backwards, naming all 50 states etc). You may need to redirect several times...stand your ground. Don't cave in.
• Set a specific time and place for processing and reflecting on your mistake. I'm not telling you don't think about it. Remember you need to think about it with a plan for resolve in mind.  Setting specifics about when and where to process will set a healthy boundary and keep your thoughts from getting out of control. Get a journal and put your reflections in writing. Typing on the computer isn't as productive as writing out the words, the worries, the concerns...or your resolve. Writing takes effort and concentration and helps to internalize what you're thinking. Typing can easily be done mindlessly while your brain gets distracted. Choose the pen and paper!
• Confide in someone you trust. Letting it out, confronting the shame and embarrassment with someone you trust will ultimately help put things into proper perspective: You're not the only one who makes mistakes, your mistake probably isn't as bad as you think it was, there's always someone who has screwed up worse than you did, and this probably won't be the last time you make a mistake. This is one situation I can think of where competition makes me feel a little bit better...you know that "Well you think that's bad, guess what I did?" conversation...If someone else can "outdo" me with their "horrible mistake" story I'm a little quicker to cut myself some slack.

Sometimes we are our own worst critic. We are harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else. That's not really fair. We are ALL human. What makes you so special? Really. You're no less prone to mistakes, intentional or not, than the next person. Get over yourself and be kind. Be gentle with yourself. Say and do nice things for yourself. Be your own best friend and advocate strongly for the "judge" (yourself) to give you a break because you've learned a lesson and you deserve another chance. Own it, learn from it and let it go.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Suck It Up Or Dance In It...You Choose

I've had the life sucked out of me. Again. It's so hard to hold my head up and go through my daily routine. My body feels weak and shaky. I have no energy. There are things I feel I MUST tend to, but it takes so little to wear me out and send me to my bed for rest. The hours between the early morning light that drifts through my window each morning, and the time that twilight finally settles in, seem endless. I have no energy for small talk, for problem solving, for planning, for little more than opening my eyes to face yet another day. I feel sad and angry, and hurt and disappointed, and a loneliness that is much more encompassing than I've ever experienced before. Fear and hopelessness and darkness hover over me, but I'm not willing to let them take up residence in my head. I see what they are capable of; I will not allow myself to fall victim to their destructive ways. I've witnessed others mindlessly drift to the point of no return; I'm not even willing to take the first step on that path. I get depression. It surrounds me on every side, and threatens to suffocate me. But I will give it zero opportunity to destroy me...not even second hand.

I know you probably think I'm full of myself. How dare I think I'm so invincible and powerful. Think what you may. But the truth is it's a choice. Really. I can choose to dwell on my problems, my sucky life, my traumatic experiences, the unfairness of my circumstances, my sadness and loneliness, my health issues,  the way I'm treated by others, and all the other crap that gets relentlessly flung at me. Or I can take responsibility for how I handle what comes my way. 

Reality check: The universe has nothing against me. God is not punishing me. I am not undeserving of being treated with kindness and respect. I am not a worthless pile of crap that somehow mistakenly ended up where I'm at physically OR emotionally in my life. I haven't been dealt a lousy hand. Bad things happen to bad people...and good people. I am not exempt from pain, tragedy, disappointment, health crises, financial ruin, bad luck, or misfortune of any kind. Sometimes Much of the time, life sucks. But I CHOOSE whether or not to cope, how to cope, and how long to cope. I choose whether to be humble and reachable, or pridefully surround myself with an impenetrable wall and suffer silently, or shamelessly loud enough for everyone to witness. And NO ONE can take that choice away from me.

If you're looking for a perfect life you're in for a severe disappointment. Give it up. Change your expectation. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself:

• Get outside of yourself. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than you. And there is NO exception to that rule. Look for them and do something to lighten their burden. You can't take their crap away, but you can add a little sunshine.
• Count your blessings. There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Look for it until you find it. Write it down and put it where you can be reminded of it EVERY single day.
• Take a break from social media. Everyone's life is falsely portrayed (intentional or not) to be much better than yours is. Don't fall into that trap. We ALL have crap.
• Set a goal to change something about you or about your life that you CAN change. Learn to take the rest in stride and move on.
• Reach out for support. Friends, family, church clergy, neighbors...let them into your circle and try letting at least one of them into your heart.
• Change up your routine. Sometimes doing just one thing differently makes all the difference in your attitude and helps give you a fresh perspective.

Life is tough. But you don't have to let it destroy you.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Did That Really Just Happen?

You know those moments when you want to hide under the table, crawl under the carpet or just disappear into thin air? Yeah, me too:

• One day, when I'd been married for about 5 years, I decided to make cornbread...something I'd done many times before. After I'd added all of the ingredients and prepared to put it in the oven, I caught a glimpse of the can of baking powder and noticed it said "double acting". Immediately I envisioned the cornbread expanding and overflowing all over the floor of the oven as it baked for the time indicated in the recipe. I decided to call a friend, who cautiously admitted she'd never heard of double acting baking powder. I hung up and called another friend...and another and another and another, each of whom responded with the same non helpful "I have no idea what to tell you" response to my ever growing dilemma. I finally decided to call an elderly neighbor lady who listened intently to my frantic query. "All baking powder is labeled as double acting my dear" she said. "Put it in the oven and let it bake. It's all going to turn out fine."
• One day while working in the warehouse of a department store I was running a ticketing machine that, with the push of a button, printed, cut and pinned the price tag to items of clothing to be sold in the store. I allowed myself to become distracted and carelessly ended up with a straight pin going through my right index finger just above the first joint. I turned to my supervisor and told her what happened and then I passed out.
• While attending a meeting for the women of a church congregation I have never attended before, some of my extended family members and I (we were all visiting) were asked to stand and introduce ourselves. My aunt, who was sitting next to me, stood and introduced herself and then sat down. And then in a weird semiconscious sort of way I stood and introduced myself...as my aunt!
•  In a crazy moment of unrealistic expectation, I took my 2 preschoolers and my newborn with me on a "quick" trip to a department store to purchase myself some new pajamas. It took some searching, but I managed to find what I needed. I realized I'd taken a little too long when I heard a little voice merrily chanting at the top of their lungs "tampon, tampon, tampon-tampon-TAMPON!"  I immediately felt sorry for the poor mother of that child...then suddenly realized it was one of mine! (Note: said child had found a tampon in my diaper bag weeks before this incident, asked what it was, barely listened to my response, and skipped away to play. Ugh)

These are just a few of my embarrassing moments, but not my most embarrassing...I don't share those with the general public! 

Embarrassment usually stems from accidental behaviors, "violations of social standards", that lead you to have negative thoughts about yourself. In my experience with embarrassing situations, I can't help but feel like everyone present is as preoccupied with the situation as I am...all eyes on me, all brains quickly forming judgement, and tongues wagging furiously to compare notes or inform those who may have missed out on the "show". It's awkward and sorely uncomfortable. But it's a part of life...no human being is immune to embarrassment! It's driven by a disconnect between how we perceive we should respond and act in public vs. how we actually do respond and act in public. And getting through it can be most challenging. But here are a few things I've learned that make it a little smoother:

• Don't avoid the situation. Sit with it. Take a deep breath. It's best to talk yourself down and try to relax. Sometimes I can laugh it off. Sometimes I have to just be  still and keep my mouth shut to prevent the tears from overflowing. It likely will still sting, but will be a little more bearable.
• Don't apologize...unless you actually did something wrong. Apologizing unnecessarily over and over again, just makes the situation more awkward for everyone involved. 
• Don't focus on the fact that your face turned bright red. This happens as a result of the "fight or flight" response that kicks in because your brain sees embarrassment as a threat. The veins in your face and neck dilate to allow fresh blood and oxygen to flow. Put the focus instead on your breathing; taking slow deep breaths will help immensely. 
• Shut down the shame tapes. Those thoughts of regret or beating yourself up emotionally are destructive. Bring yourself out of that loop into the present. Change the subject, or make a silly joke about what happened. Most people can easily relate to how you're feeling and will just go with it. Those who don't...you don't need them around anyway!
• Stop freaking out about how many people are still thinking or talking about what happened. The truth is most of the people in the room probably were so distracted with what was right in front of them that chances are they didn't even notice. Those who did notice, have likely moved on.  And so should you! Fire that committee in your head.
• Don't beat yourself up. Let it be what it is...an isolated embarrassing moment. Don't let it define you.

OK so obviously some things are a little easier to recover from than others; making a poor choice, an act of retaliation, speaking unnecessarily hurtful words will likely take longer to get past than, say, spilling food down the front of your shirt, or tripping over your own feet in public. But eventually you need to forgive yourself. Learn a lesson (if you've actually done something wrong) and move forward. It may take some time, but it's worth the time and effort to avoid ruining your future by obsessing and being stuck in the past.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Hard Ugly Truth