F.E.A.R.

I haven't posted in awhile. There's been far too much drama trying to creep into my life and I'm exhausted from fighting to keep it out. I'm much too old and much too focused on making the best of my remaining time here to get wrapped up in such crap. There is absolutely no room for selfish words, toxic behavior, or ulterior motives in my life. I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to learn better ways and protect my own personal sense of well-being on every level.

This past week has been difficult as the 7th anniversary of a traumatizing and life changing event came calling like an unavoidable guest sitting on the front porch of my soul. My husband of then 26 years attempted suicide in a brutally horrific manner, losing nearly 1/2 of his blood in the process and ultimately failing in his attempt. It's painful for my heart and mind to relive the ordeal, but so healing emotionally to see just how far I've come in those 7 years. I seriously doubt the shock and pain will ever go away, but they do seem to have decreased in intensity with time, for which I am most grateful. I've done SO much hard work emotionally, in therapy and on my own. But, ultimately the progress has come due to the passing of time and the love and patience of my Father in Heaven as He's taught me how to shift my mindset, learn how to move forward, and accept the responsibility I have to forgive. Forgiving is a process, but I'm profoundly aware that it's more for my good than for the good of those I am asked to forgive.

Yesterday was my day to celebrate the "new" me with my #noFEAR theme...Forget Everything And Remember...remember who I am, where I've come from, the grace of God that has lead me to where I am today, and how incredibly thankful I am for the journey. My eldest daughter joins me in this day long event each year; amazingly, it was her idea to start this tradition 3 years ago and it has been one we will continue to treasure together. The day is always started with breakfast at a favorite restaurant where we enjoy an unhurried meal and an opportunity to revisit the "event", talk through the pain, and celebrate our victories in overcoming and healing through the past year. She is a wise soul and I cherish the fact that we have become dear forever friends. After breakfast, we find meaningful ways to spend our time reminiscing, and planning how we will move forward in the coming year. Her insight and perspective are amazing and I always leave at the end of the day wishing it would never end.

While there are individuals I've shared my story with, for the most part it's a secret I've kept to myself. Shame, and the guilt of disclosing the details of someone else's story have prevented me from going public. But, it's a part of me, a chapter in the story of MY life, and MINE to learn and heal from, as well as an opportunity to open my heart and offer true empathy and compassion to those who may have similar experience. Oh how I wish I'd had someone to turn to in the midst of my mess, someone who knew exactly what I was feeling, what I was thinking, how fear and anger, and confusion and guilt and shame swallowed me whole and threatened to ultimately destroy me. My life would have been blessed to know someone else who had survived it and come out with hope and healing and faith and courage on the other side.

Now that I'm on the other side, I'm humbled and grateful to know I can potentially be that person for someone else. And today, the burden and heaviness of secrecy is lifted as I openly share here. I am free. I am healing. And I am grateful for all I've learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life. I have a deep scar that will never go away, but I wear it without shame. It's a beautiful reminder of my strength, my courage, and the continued growth of my inner child toward the  beautiful, capable, and amazing woman she is becoming, and having so much to offer in the legacy I can now leave for those who come after me. And thanks be to God for His amazing love and patience, and for His grace He so willingly extends to me, a daughter He so valiantly fights for.

As my "new" year begins, I feel hopeful and renewed. I am becoming more and more appreciative of the good that comes from the difficult trials I experience in life. I am gaining courage and confidence in my ability to conquer and overcome the boulders of adversity that sometimes overwhelm me with setbacks and discouragement. And I'm ready to again move forward without delay.

I'm all in my friend! Are you with me?

"Even If"...It's Still A Part of My Story

It was normal for me. And because it was all I knew, I assumed it was normal for everyone...but I hated it. As months and years passed, I became painfully aware my normal wasn't normal at all; and I found myself drowning in secrecy, shame, anxiety, and a heightened sense of hyper-vigilance. My self-esteem was beaten down and trampled to a dirty, shredded, useless pile of unrecognizable rubbish, and I felt as invisible as if I had never existed. I lived silently in a world of fear, and dreaded the rising of the morning sun. I spent every day going through the motions of  life, carefully avoiding the pull to do or try anything different than the routine I was used to for fear of exposing my hell and my suffocating humiliation. 

Welcome to adulthood they say. You have your whole life ahead of you. The world is your playground. You can do and be whatever you set your mind to. The problem was I was messed up, frightened, insecure, vulnerable, and emotionally scarred...the perfect set-up for getting sucked into an ugly cycle of codependency. I threw myself "in the toilet" for the sake of rescuing and fixing others in an attempt to fill my desperate unquenchable need for love and affection. 

Eventually I sought professional help. It allowed me to work through what I was dealing with, but I didn't really feel any different on the inside. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, how disgustingly gross I felt, the way I felt so inferior around other people. I felt unworthy of love and kindness even as I desperately craved attention and acceptance. I shunned the rare compliments I received from others and convinced myself they were all lies because people didn't know the real me buried deep in the muck and mire of my irrational perception of myself.

Years passed but nothing changed. As I reached each of the milestones one expects to experience in life, I got better at putting on and perfecting the facade that hid my pain and protected my heart. But I couldn't run from or erase my truth lurking in the dark corners of my mind, reminding me every moment of every day of my worthlessness.

I can't really pinpoint the exact moment things started to change for me. However, I do know it began with a conscious decision to escape from the prison inside my own head. As crazy as it sounds, I slowly began to question my truth...not the truth of what had happened to me, but my perception of how it had defined me. I thought about my motives, what drove me and determined how I would act and react in any given situation. Why and when did I choose to trust? Exhibit kindness? Be offended? Show compassion? Be approachable? Run away? I questioned (in my head) why someone liked me, and analyzed how a relationship with me benefited them. I began pondering what made my feel inferior to others around me, and challenged my deep seated belief that I had nothing to offer the world. At first there was little in the way of positives I could find, but when I did, I hung on to them and worked tirelessly to firmly attach them in my mind and in my heart as part of my new truth. This didn't happen overnight. It took years...3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Progress was painfully slow, but steady.

Today, 50 years later, I'm still very much aware of that little girl. She is now, and always will be a part of me. I am today, the culmination of all of the good, the bad, the ugly, the reprehensible. My story is not complete without any of it...without her. She is my link to the past, but I am her ticket to the future. I think she'd be mighty proud of the woman I've become, but I couldn't have done it without her courage, her integrity, and her will to thrive. She may not have had much to offer the world, but she offered me everything I needed to make a difference in our little corner of the world. Together we are beautiful. We are kind. We are amazing. We are worthy. And...we are worth it! My future is no longer defined by my past!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Suck It Up Or Dance In It...You Choose

I've had the life sucked out of me. Again. It's so hard to hold my head up and go through my daily routine. My body feels weak and shaky. I have no energy. There are things I feel I MUST tend to, but it takes so little to wear me out and send me to my bed for rest. The hours between the early morning light that drifts through my window each morning, and the time that twilight finally settles in, seem endless. I have no energy for small talk, for problem solving, for planning, for little more than opening my eyes to face yet another day. I feel sad and angry, and hurt and disappointed, and a loneliness that is much more encompassing than I've ever experienced before. Fear and hopelessness and darkness hover over me, but I'm not willing to let them take up residence in my head. I see what they are capable of; I will not allow myself to fall victim to their destructive ways. I've witnessed others mindlessly drift to the point of no return; I'm not even willing to take the first step on that path. I get depression. It surrounds me on every side, and threatens to suffocate me. But I will give it zero opportunity to destroy me...not even second hand.

I know you probably think I'm full of myself. How dare I think I'm so invincible and powerful. Think what you may. But the truth is it's a choice. Really. I can choose to dwell on my problems, my sucky life, my traumatic experiences, the unfairness of my circumstances, my sadness and loneliness, my health issues,  the way I'm treated by others, and all the other crap that gets relentlessly flung at me. Or I can take responsibility for how I handle what comes my way. 

Reality check: The universe has nothing against me. God is not punishing me. I am not undeserving of being treated with kindness and respect. I am not a worthless pile of crap that somehow mistakenly ended up where I'm at physically OR emotionally in my life. I haven't been dealt a lousy hand. Bad things happen to bad people...and good people. I am not exempt from pain, tragedy, disappointment, health crises, financial ruin, bad luck, or misfortune of any kind. Sometimes Much of the time, life sucks. But I CHOOSE whether or not to cope, how to cope, and how long to cope. I choose whether to be humble and reachable, or pridefully surround myself with an impenetrable wall and suffer silently, or shamelessly loud enough for everyone to witness. And NO ONE can take that choice away from me.

If you're looking for a perfect life you're in for a severe disappointment. Give it up. Change your expectation. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself:

• Get outside of yourself. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than you. And there is NO exception to that rule. Look for them and do something to lighten their burden. You can't take their crap away, but you can add a little sunshine.
• Count your blessings. There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Look for it until you find it. Write it down and put it where you can be reminded of it EVERY single day.
• Take a break from social media. Everyone's life is falsely portrayed (intentional or not) to be much better than yours is. Don't fall into that trap. We ALL have crap.
• Set a goal to change something about you or about your life that you CAN change. Learn to take the rest in stride and move on.
• Reach out for support. Friends, family, church clergy, neighbors...let them into your circle and try letting at least one of them into your heart.
• Change up your routine. Sometimes doing just one thing differently makes all the difference in your attitude and helps give you a fresh perspective.

Life is tough. But you don't have to let it destroy you.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

When Someone You Know Becomes Someone You Knew

I've spent the past week trying to decide how to dive into this post. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one affected by it, but it feels like I'm drowning in the ocean of experience with the subject of estrangement. I've been on both ends; I've been the one to walk away, and I've been the one left behind. Either way it's nothing less than heart wrenching.

In walking away I felt justified, but I couldn't shut down the "what if's" and the "whys". While I'd removed myself physically, my heart bounced ferociously between thriving in the "no contact" zone, and grieving the loss of what I craved and needed from said relationship.

On the other hand, being the one left behind has left me with questions unanswered, and a rush of emotion ranging from sadness and anger, to loneliness and intense grief. I've cried rivers of tears and spent many a sleepless night questioning how I can possibly move forward while "pages from the story of my life" have been ripped out, and hurled, along with my heart, into the fiery furnace of  tragedy and harsh reality.

It sucks. Really. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, family reunions, celebrations...they all come around, and over and over again I find myself mourning lost opportunities to make memories, crying over incomplete family photos, craving hugs and expressions of love, and longing to know if the person is well physically and/or emotionally; in some instances I'm left to wonder if they're dead or alive. My heart desires to greet each new day with patience and hope and certainty, trying to convince me that there's no reason to be sad or angry because eventually it's "going to be OK"; any minute they're going to "walk through the door", "waltz back into my life" and all will be right with the world. And then reality slams me to the floor, as if to penalize me for being such a fool as days and weeks turn into months and years. It's a stupid psychological roller coaster that leaves one wishing for immediate access to an eject button, as being catapulted into finality, though potentially devastating, might put an end to the constant "puking" from "emotion" sickness.

So how does one cope with estrangement? That's a really good question. I don't think there's a universal right answer for every single situation but there are some things that will start you in the right direction:

• Acknowledge the pain: My gut instinct is to try to ignore the pain because it's intense and overwhelming. But just like with physical pain, if I let my emotional pain get out of control it's hard to get a handle on it. It never really goes away, but there are things I can do to manage it: write in my journal, relax in a warm bath, go for a long walk, listen to calm peaceful music, sleep, distract my mind with a lighthearted movie or TV show, do a crossword or jigsaw puzzle, get out some play dough or kinetic sand, or coloring to name a few.
• Rely on the support of trusted family members and friends. You don't need to do this alone. You shouldn't do this alone. Reach out to those who can best offer you a nonjudgmental listening ear and a compassionate understanding heart.
• Join a support group: There are support groups specifically for estrangement between adult parents and their children, and for estranged siblings. Sometimes it helps to know there are others who have similar experience.
• Seek professional help: If you're experiencing debilitating anxiety, depression, a constant state of stress, fear, anger, loneliness, and/or intense sadness, a mental health professional can provide guidance and tools to help you cope. 
• Grieve your loss: It doesn't matter who's at fault. It is what it is...a painful loss. Be kind to yourself and allow time and space for the process of healing.
• Try your best to move forward: Life is going to keep moving right along. Don't sacrifice the present or the future by dwelling on regrets of the past. It's easier said than done, but eventually you have to stop "peeking over your shoulder" searching for what you've lost, and focus on what's ahead of you. Find the joy in the here and now.

Sometimes hearts heal and relationships mend. And sometimes they don't. But I've learned to cherish what's right in my life, to express gratitude for the healthy relationships I have, and pray for those who are lost to me. I don't have all of the answers, but I try to remember God does. You may not have much control over your circumstances, but you can choose how you deal with them.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

It's More Than My Heart Can Take And The World Just Keeps On Spinning

Loss is harsh. We've all been through it...divorce or break up of a relationship, death of a pet or loved one, the sale of a treasured family home, retirement or being laid off from a job, the onset of life-changing health conditions. a miscarriage...

And following loss comes the stages of grief:

1. Denial: "This can't be happening to me"
2. Anger: "Why is this happening to me?"
3. Bargaining: "Please don't let this happen to me...take it away and I will ________"
4. Depression: "I'm overwhelmed with debilitating sadness"
5. Acceptance: "I'm at peace with what has happened/is happening"

Grieving is different for everyone. There are many factors such as coping style, personality, life experience, faith, and the significance of the loss. Some people begin to feel better in weeks or months, but sometimes it takes years before healing takes place. There is no normal...it just is what is for each and every individual. It takes time, and requires patience.

But what if your loss is ambiguous...as in it doesn't allow for closure? Such might be the case for instance, for those who deal with infertility, aging parents with dementia, the loss of a loved one through suicide or estrangement, those abandoned by a parent, or whose loved one is plagued by addiction or a brain injury to name a few. Persons experiencing such a loss are usually left with a feeling of not knowing how to move forward, and often live with feelings of uncertainty, sadness, confusion, guilt, anxiety, or doubt. How does one cope with "frozen" grief?

• Don't pressure yourself to just move on: Take one day at a time. While there is no closure, there is hope for learning how to "carry" your grief. It may be necessary to seek the help of a professional, especially if it affects your ability to function, or if you seek to escape through addictive substances or harmful behavior.
• Seek support from loving, open minded, non-judgmental friends or family members.
• Take REALLY good care of yourself: Good self-care is imperative. Keep yourself well balanced physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 
• Ask for and accept help when needed: Your support people are good for lending a listening ear and offering a shoulder to cry on...but don't underestimate their willingness to help with errands, offer assistance with child-care, or bring in meals to help lift your spirit and lighten your heavy load.
• Remember you are not alone: We don't always know another person's story. I stumbled across this quote by Helen Keller recently. It speaks volumes:

• Don't "stuff your pain". Let the tears fall. Sit with the sadness, and the hurt, and the anger, and the grief. Be realistic about the fact that "it's not OK". It may never be OK. It's unfair and it sucks. But someday, with time, and patience, and healing, you will be OK.
• Don't dwell on the "if only", or "what should have been", or "what might eventually be". Stay in the present. Focus on the here and now. There is so much that is out of your control. Put your effort, and your thinking, and your energy on what's in front of you and keep moving forward. It's a lot harder than it sounds, but it's so essential to your healing and your well-being. 

I know from painful personal experience that ambiguous loss is devastating and ugly, but accepting it can provide one with strength and resilience, allowing them to move forward despite the pain. There is so much in life that is beautiful, amazing, endearing, and so worth the effort we must put forth to find it.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Thank Heaven For Tuesday

Last week I had an important event to attend. I got up early enough to allow plenty of time to get ready because I really wanted to look and feel my very best. I took an extra long hot shower, then carefully applied lotion to my then well hydrated skin. I conditioned my hair and purposefully enhanced it's natural wave, giving a little more body to my thin silver highlighted locks. I carefully applied my makeup, and took extra time to consider the clothes I would wear. It all came together perfectly, and with plenty of time to spare.

Breakfast for me every morning is a protein shake...one cup of almond milk or juice from select vegetables run through my juicer, six ice cubes, some flax seed, a little dark cocoa, and a scoop of my favorite protein powder. On this particular day, as I prepared to mix the ingredients in the blender, something fell out of the cupboard above and sent the container crashing to the floor...after it splashed all down the front of my perfectly put together attire.

Deep sigh. 

Some days are like that. Dealing with sick children, unmet deadlines at the office, traffic jams, insufficient funds in the bank account, fender benders, missed appointments, disagreements with a significant other, ruined meals, disappointing news...a single occurrence or multiple happenings in a day, can sometimes make you wish you'd stayed in bed and pulled the covers over your head.

And sometimes LIFE is like that...for weeks or months or years at a stretch! 

The good news is...Monday is followed by Tuesday, the weekend/days off come at the end of a long exhausting week, spring is a welcome sight after a long dark winter, a night of rest/sleep comes at the end of the day...there's always a new chance, a fresh start, a welcome do-over.

Here are some things to ponder and consider:

• DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN "PERFECTION": Just do your best and internalize the fact that your "10" is good enough. Roll with the punches, work your way around the boulders, move ahead slow and steady. Progress is progress!
• GET GROUNDED: Try to think rationally. Don't let other people tell you how to live your life. "Delete" and "backspace" exist for a reason. There isn't a shortage of erasers. You have the right to change your mind or your course. You alone are the author of your story.
• CELEBRATE THE SMALL VICTORIES: Every day you're going to have wins and losses. Focus on what went right and let the rest go.
• CHANGE UP YOUR ROUTINE: Take a different route, do things in a different order, stop doing what doesn't work, replace the "people pleasing" behaviors, be spontaneous, stop the madness!
• STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE: Make a move, take a risk, do something scary, be a little unpredictable!
• DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF: Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break. Pat yourself on the back. Be your own best cheerleader!
• FOCUS ON YOUR PASSION: Do what you love...and love what you do!
• BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF: Success, healing, change...they all take time...and a lot of patience. Begin where you are and take one step, one day, one experience at a time. The rest will follow.
• TRUST YOUR GUT: God gave us instincts for a reason. Use them.
• DON'T MAKE EXCUSES: If it's important to you...you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse. Ultimately it's all up to you.

Most importantly, remember you are NOT alone! Being human is a challenge. We are all in this together. Take life one day at a time and be grateful for the good and the joy and the blessings! The rest is water under the bridge.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Did That Really Just Happen?

You know those moments when you want to hide under the table, crawl under the carpet or just disappear into thin air? Yeah, me too:

• One day, when I'd been married for about 5 years, I decided to make cornbread...something I'd done many times before. After I'd added all of the ingredients and prepared to put it in the oven, I caught a glimpse of the can of baking powder and noticed it said "double acting". Immediately I envisioned the cornbread expanding and overflowing all over the floor of the oven as it baked for the time indicated in the recipe. I decided to call a friend, who cautiously admitted she'd never heard of double acting baking powder. I hung up and called another friend...and another and another and another, each of whom responded with the same non helpful "I have no idea what to tell you" response to my ever growing dilemma. I finally decided to call an elderly neighbor lady who listened intently to my frantic query. "All baking powder is labeled as double acting my dear" she said. "Put it in the oven and let it bake. It's all going to turn out fine."
• One day while working in the warehouse of a department store I was running a ticketing machine that, with the push of a button, printed, cut and pinned the price tag to items of clothing to be sold in the store. I allowed myself to become distracted and carelessly ended up with a straight pin going through my right index finger just above the first joint. I turned to my supervisor and told her what happened and then I passed out.
• While attending a meeting for the women of a church congregation I have never attended before, some of my extended family members and I (we were all visiting) were asked to stand and introduce ourselves. My aunt, who was sitting next to me, stood and introduced herself and then sat down. And then in a weird semiconscious sort of way I stood and introduced myself...as my aunt!
•  In a crazy moment of unrealistic expectation, I took my 2 preschoolers and my newborn with me on a "quick" trip to a department store to purchase myself some new pajamas. It took some searching, but I managed to find what I needed. I realized I'd taken a little too long when I heard a little voice merrily chanting at the top of their lungs "tampon, tampon, tampon-tampon-TAMPON!"  I immediately felt sorry for the poor mother of that child...then suddenly realized it was one of mine! (Note: said child had found a tampon in my diaper bag weeks before this incident, asked what it was, barely listened to my response, and skipped away to play. Ugh)

These are just a few of my embarrassing moments, but not my most embarrassing...I don't share those with the general public! 

Embarrassment usually stems from accidental behaviors, "violations of social standards", that lead you to have negative thoughts about yourself. In my experience with embarrassing situations, I can't help but feel like everyone present is as preoccupied with the situation as I am...all eyes on me, all brains quickly forming judgement, and tongues wagging furiously to compare notes or inform those who may have missed out on the "show". It's awkward and sorely uncomfortable. But it's a part of life...no human being is immune to embarrassment! It's driven by a disconnect between how we perceive we should respond and act in public vs. how we actually do respond and act in public. And getting through it can be most challenging. But here are a few things I've learned that make it a little smoother:

• Don't avoid the situation. Sit with it. Take a deep breath. It's best to talk yourself down and try to relax. Sometimes I can laugh it off. Sometimes I have to just be  still and keep my mouth shut to prevent the tears from overflowing. It likely will still sting, but will be a little more bearable.
• Don't apologize...unless you actually did something wrong. Apologizing unnecessarily over and over again, just makes the situation more awkward for everyone involved. 
• Don't focus on the fact that your face turned bright red. This happens as a result of the "fight or flight" response that kicks in because your brain sees embarrassment as a threat. The veins in your face and neck dilate to allow fresh blood and oxygen to flow. Put the focus instead on your breathing; taking slow deep breaths will help immensely. 
• Shut down the shame tapes. Those thoughts of regret or beating yourself up emotionally are destructive. Bring yourself out of that loop into the present. Change the subject, or make a silly joke about what happened. Most people can easily relate to how you're feeling and will just go with it. Those who don't...you don't need them around anyway!
• Stop freaking out about how many people are still thinking or talking about what happened. The truth is most of the people in the room probably were so distracted with what was right in front of them that chances are they didn't even notice. Those who did notice, have likely moved on.  And so should you! Fire that committee in your head.
• Don't beat yourself up. Let it be what it is...an isolated embarrassing moment. Don't let it define you.

OK so obviously some things are a little easier to recover from than others; making a poor choice, an act of retaliation, speaking unnecessarily hurtful words will likely take longer to get past than, say, spilling food down the front of your shirt, or tripping over your own feet in public. But eventually you need to forgive yourself. Learn a lesson (if you've actually done something wrong) and move forward. It may take some time, but it's worth the time and effort to avoid ruining your future by obsessing and being stuck in the past.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

You Can't Make Lemonade Out of Lions

You might as well have hit me in the face with a brick. That's how it felt when my PLAN B showed up unannounced, laughing and mocking like the bullies who tortured me in middle school. And my PLAN A? It hightailed it right out the backdoor like a wild animal, freed at last of being held against it's will. Life as I knew it was ripped away from me, and I was stripped naked of any shred of confidence in myself or my future. I was numb and cold at first; I couldn't think...didn't want to think, but soon found myself feeling as though I would drown in the tumultuous conglomeration of emotion that engulfed me, and my brain went crazy. Though it seemed humanly impossible, I could only see one direction to move in, only one answer to my "what now?" and it made me shudder. The thought of moving in that direction made me panic to the point that I couldn't function. Life hadn't handed me lemons...it had thrown me in the lion's den and I was terrified of being unable to defend myself.

With the passing of time, some thought and careful planning, and a LOT of professional help, I've come to terms with my PLAN B. It's nothing like PLAN A but I've acclimated to the "winds of change". My daily routine is much different. My goals and dreams for my future are more realistic. I've moved from the place I called "home" for 39 years, and I'm learning to "put myself out there" and connect with a host of "strangers". I regularly deal with feelings of uncertainty and loneliness, but put great trust in Heaven's ability to comfort and protect me in my vulnerability. Sometimes Many times I find myself mourning "what should have been", but more so, I am humbly grateful for blessings received and lessons learned. I am much more aware of my surroundings as there has been so much unfamiliar to become familiar with. I'm amazed at the kindness of the people I've met in my new community, and I find myself more willing to be "childlike" in my curiosity that leads me to small adventures. I like to think I'm a little more patient in the "waiting" life requires of me; time has become a precious commodity.

Here are some things that have helped me with this difficult transition:

• When life throws me a curve, it's best to step back and take a deep breath. I've learned to "be still" and evaluate how I'm going to respond.
• Remind myself that the fact that life has not gone as planned does not make me a failure. The "battle" may be lost, but the "war" isn't over! No matter how many times I get knocked down, I can ALWAYS choose to stand up and dust myself off.
• There are no excuses. It is what it is. I am where I am. There's no looking back with sadness and regret...just moving forward with courage in my heart and a smile on my face.
• I need to be open to new experiences and new opportunities. Holding onto regret and sadness about what should have been, or being afraid to reinvent life limits my ability to feel happiness.
• I must be gentle and kind with myself. No one should be more compassionate with me than I am. No trash talk, no withholding of love. I need to be my own best friend and my most capable and willing advocate.
• I must trust myself, my ability to know what's right for me; to make good choices, to provide well for my physical, emotional and spiritual needs.
• Life is a great adventure...especially when things don't go as planned! Hang on tight and try to enjoy the ride!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

It's A Bullet...You Gonna Bite It Or Dodge It?

I like Autumn. I can't say I love it, but I'm welcoming it more readily this year than ever before. The cool crisp air feels so refreshing. I love seeing the very beginnings of the process of the changing of the leaves to stunning shades of red and gold. The mountains that surround my community are  looming larger than life as if in anticipation of hiding under the blanket of soft sparkly snow that will soon cover them. In some aspects, life will soon move a little slower and the days will at first, almost imperceptibly, grow shorter, while the nights will grow colder and darker. I breathe a sigh of gratitude for relief from the intense heat of summer months now passed, and feel an almost giddy anticipation for the subtle flow of toasty air coming from the furnace, warm snuggly blankets, and mugs of smooth, velvety hot chocolate to warm me up from the inside out. Yes, Autumn and I are becoming comfortable companions.

Not too far in the distant past, Autumn used to signal for me, the need to brace for the cold, dark, never ending, miserable winter. I found it difficult to appreciate what was in front of me, because I was fighting against what was to come. But I recently came to this realization:

"Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let go"

"Letting go" has always been difficult for me...letting go of regret, letting go of the painful past, letting go of loved ones nearing the end of life, letting go of toxic relationships, letting go of my children as they enter adulthood, letting go of shame, letting go bad habits, letting go of my worry and concern about things I can't change...But to "let go", to give up resisting and struggling, is a necessary part of our growth and change.

 Letting go:

• Allows us to move forward instead of being paralyzed by fear, hurt, anger or uncertainty
• Allows us to discover our capabilities and embrace courage
• Expands our comfort zone
• Gives us strength to believe in what could be
• Releases us from being anchored by things that are out of our control
• Provides clarification and validation
• Allows for the healing process to begin
• Gives way to evaluation of what we want and what we deserve
• Allows space for something new
• Sets us free
• Increases self esteem
• Opens the heart to real internal peace and happiness

Is it easy to let go? Of course not. And I'd be a fool to try and convince you otherwise. It's difficult at best. Some things are harder to let go of than others. It takes time and patience and perseverance and grit and determination. Some days you might wonder if it's worth it, or think it's easier, less painful, less of a hassle to just hang on to whatever is causing the problem. There might be unpleasant consequences...because your decision to "let go" deeply affects the lives of other people, or goes against the beliefs of loved ones. Sometimes the thing or person you let go of comes back over and over again like a clueless lost little puppy. YES IT'S HARD. It's hellish hard. But, aren't you worth it? I KNOW I am.

I'm all in! Are you with me?