They're Good For A Lot of Things...But That's Not One Of Them

I eat a boiled egg...every day. It's been that way for years now. I just like them. They taste yummy and they're a great source of protein. I got sucked into the "too many eggs is bad for your health" crap for years, but then I decided so what? I like them. They're convenient, inexpensive, take up very little space (in the fridge and in my stomach lol!) and my opinion is the only one that matters. If I die, I die happy. So far they haven't killed me...

Well, as a result of my daily consumption, I've peeled a lot of eggs, thrown away a massive amount of eggshell. And recently I started wondering if they're good for anything...like is there a life hack that I'm missing out on? Should I be saving all those eggshells for something really spectacular? So I did some research a google search and here's what I found:

Eggshells are good for: 

• Restoring your skin to younger, more youthful "glow"
• Abrasive compound for cleaning your tub or scrubbing pots and pans
• Unclogging drains
• Fertilizing your garden/deterring garden pests
• Fortifying your pet's food
• Scaring away slugs
• Sweetening your coffee
• Supplementing your chicken's feed
• A great source of calcium
• Sharpening the blades of your blender
• Making your own sidewalk chalk
• Arts/crafts such as Christmas ornaments, wall hangings and mobiles
• Boosting your cosmetics
• Making treats for wild birds
• Cleaning your garbage disposal

That's an interesting list, to say the least. I'm not sure I'd take any of those ideas at face value, but I noticed something that really caught my attention...

I didn't find any claim to the benefits of "walking on" eggshells. Nope. Not one time, in all of the links I followed. It was never listed. Ever.

You know the drill. Either you've experienced it, know someone who's experienced it, or maybe you're in that very situation as you're reading this:

Tip toe softly. Don't cause any commotion. Tread lightly and oh. so. carefully. You're anxious, nervous or worried about the other person's attitude or moods, anger, criticism, glares, finger pointing or stonewalling. There's a constant feeling of distress in the pit of your stomach. Nothing you do is ever good enough...YOU will never be good enough. The relationship is cold and standoffish. Disagreements may be minimal, but there's a "chill in the air". 

Yep. I was there. Years and years and years of my life wasted on those stupid "eggshells". Useless effort. Squandered time. And so much stress! It became habit, like I went into auto pilot/survival mode. And I became a coward. Fear and denial left me unwilling to speak up and say "Done. Tired. This isn't working for me. I'm not taking this crap anymore!" And what do I have to show for all that time gone by? NOTHING. Painful memories. Regret. Lost opportunities. Dreams and goals unfulfilled. However, the great news is...I gave it up about 5 years ago and I feel so free! Don't get me wrong...it wasn't easy. It was harsh. The committee in my head was relentless. My self esteem was shot. It was exhausting work. But I'm here. And I'm so grateful for the lessons I learned along the way:

1. My "10" is enough. My effort, while not perfect, is enough. I am enough. Notice I didn't say "good enough". I. AM. ENOUGH.
2. I am not responsible for anyone else’s “stuff”…including my husband, my children, my siblings, my friends, acquaintances and even strangers on the street. My feelings of sadness, anger, or discomfort of any degree, the result of  someone being unable or unwilling to resolve their issues, does not EVER give me license to take them on as my own. I AM NOT THAT POWERFUL!
3.  It is imperative that I take care of myself on every level. I have physical, emotional and spiritual needs that must be met. I cannot reach my potential or take care of my stewardships without being “my own best friend” first. I must hold myself accountable. I am not anyone else’s responsibility.
4. I have a voice. I owe it to myself and to others to use it.
5. I am the boss of me…including my thoughts, my feelings and my actions.
6.  I must pay attention…I cannot “drift” or “race” through life.
7. I am capable of "standing up", "stepping up", and "showing up".
8. I can't let fear rule my life. "I can do hard things".
9. I am allowed to feel peace.
10. I am capable of saying no.
11. Clear concise communication is essential to any healthy relationship. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
12. Boundaries are essential to my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
13. Courage, confidence, and integrity are essential to living in reality. Living in reality is essential to my emotional well-being. Denial is destructive.
14. Some of life's most rewarding moments are experienced outside of the "comfort zone".
15. "Growing" is hard and painful, and comes in such small increments that it is hardly noticeable...until enough time has passed...at which time  the evidence is most assuredly both encouraging and simply amazing.
16. I am worthy!

Growing and changing are hard, but SO WORTH IT!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

That Service Is No Longer Available

I used to be the "poster child" for people pleasing. Like a doormat, I'd "lie at your feet" and let you "walk all over me". I put EVERYONE ahead of me. Saying "no" was so painful for me, I just couldn't do it. Yes, yes, yes...while silently muttering to myself about how much I resented being manipulated and taken advantage of, were the words that escaped my lips every. single. time. I felt such tremendous guilt and fear for even considering saying no, that I just couldn't let myself go there. "No" meant I failed, or I've let someone down; it meant I was weak, selfish or inconsiderate of someone's immediate need for rescue...and if I didn't rush in, how would they survive?  Reality is: It's selfish and prideful thinking, to believe that I, or you, are the only human being capable of dealing with any crisis, or solving any problem. NEWS FLASH! I AM NOT that powerful...and neither are you.

Well, reality bit me in the butt and I was forced to decide: was I going to consciously continue in such an unhealthy manner OR was I going to get real and begin the process of learning and implementing skills (for replacing my dysfunctional behaviors) such as:

1) Recognize and own my codependancy: Yep. I was codependant. Here are some of the symptoms I exhibited:

• An overwhelming urgency to help others when they had a problem.
• A belief that other people couldn't like me or love me for who I was; I constantly felt I had to prove that I was enough.
• I sacrificed my own opinions, needs and wants for those of others, while feeling resentful.
• I was afraid to use my voice; I didn't have the courage to advocate for myself.
• I did most or all of the giving in my closest personal relationships.
• I was non-assertive. If I was cornered into taking a position or making a choice I would...but could not verbalize a basis for my decision.
• I didn't set functional limits with myself or with others.  I was easily over invested in other people's problems.
• I felt unworthy and was filled with shame.

2) Have clear, open, honest, communication. For example:

• What are the details of the commitment? (Time, resources, date/time expectations etc)
• Yes, I'm available but I only have _____ minutes/hours OR I'm only available _________ between the hours of  _____ and _____. Will that work for you?
• Yes, I'm available to help you, but I'll need _____________.
• I'm not sure if I can help you; let me get back to you.
• No, I'm not available to help you at this time.
• Thanks for thinking of me, but I'm not going to be able to help you.
• This is out of my realm of expertise; you need to call on someone who would be better equipped to help.
• Wow. There are so many choices. Give me 3 to choose from.
• I'm not sure where I stand on that issue. I haven't really given it much thought.
• And? Example: If my friend says "My husband and I got in a huge fight last night" instead of jumping in and giving an opinion, taking sides or giving advice, I would simply say "And?" If my coworker says "I'm angry that I have to close on Tuesday night" instead of making assumptions, trash talking the boss or throwing another coworker under the bus, I would calmly reply with "And?"
• I'm going to let that be yours. Example: If my child says "I forgot I had a homework assignment in math last night and now I don't have time to do it" instead of calling the school, belittling my child, or offering to cover for them with a fake excuse, I would reply with "I'm going to let that be yours." OR if my sister says to me "I spent money we didn't really have on this dress yesterday; my husband's going to be really pissed" instead of validating her choice, lecturing, or offering to hide it for her for a few days,  I would reply with "I'm just going to let that be yours."

3) Watch out for manipulation tactics:

You're so good at decorating cakes; you should make one for my daughter's birthday OR I'm not sure how to assemble this bike I bought for my son, but you're so clever I'll bet you could get it done in no time at all.

Of course, there's a difference between someone genuinely and respectfully asking for your assistance, maybe even offering to trade service for service, and those who hint subtly or "guilt" you into doing something for them because they are too lazy, or without knowledge or ability, and unwilling to hire a skilled professional to accomplish the task. Don't allow yourself to fall into that trap.

4) Create or adopt a mantra:

• What others think of me is none of my business
• I'm nobody's fool
• Nope. Not today. Not ever.
• Not my circus; not my monkeys!
• My plate is full.
• Me first.
• I can't be everything/do everything for everybody.

You need a firm reminder that you are not the sole solution to everyone's problems. You are not indispensable. Life goes on whether you "DO"...or you "DON'T".

5) Forgo the excuses: You don't owe ANYONE an excuse or an explanation. You are in charge of how, where and with whom you choose to spend your time. Be accountable to yourself. Be respectful of yourself. Be kind to yourself.

6) Don't apologize: If you are not responsible for the situation, you have no reason to be sorry. So don't.

7) Pay attention to your limits: Figure out what you're capable of physically AND emotionally and don't go beyond those limits. Don't let people run you ragged or tap you out emotionally. Establish your boundaries and communicate them clearly. Don't leave any room for assumptions to be made by others. 

8) There's going to be fallout: It's almost a guarantee...there's going to be someone who's angry, disappointed, sad, unrelenting when you say no. Let it be theirs. You cannot MAKE anyone feel ANY emotion. And no one can make YOU feel guilty. Feelings of guilt are only warranted if YOU'VE done something wrong. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. It is what it is. Let it be.

Learning these skills and getting into the habit of implementing them has taken a lot of time, practice and patience. Some days are better than others; some situations are easier than others. But I am SO MUCH HAPPIER! It's one of the best gifts I've ever given myself. Change is no longer an uninvited guest.

I'm all in! Are you with me?