F.E.A.R.

I haven't posted in awhile. There's been far too much drama trying to creep into my life and I'm exhausted from fighting to keep it out. I'm much too old and much too focused on making the best of my remaining time here to get wrapped up in such crap. There is absolutely no room for selfish words, toxic behavior, or ulterior motives in my life. I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to learn better ways and protect my own personal sense of well-being on every level.

This past week has been difficult as the 7th anniversary of a traumatizing and life changing event came calling like an unavoidable guest sitting on the front porch of my soul. My husband of then 26 years attempted suicide in a brutally horrific manner, losing nearly 1/2 of his blood in the process and ultimately failing in his attempt. It's painful for my heart and mind to relive the ordeal, but so healing emotionally to see just how far I've come in those 7 years. I seriously doubt the shock and pain will ever go away, but they do seem to have decreased in intensity with time, for which I am most grateful. I've done SO much hard work emotionally, in therapy and on my own. But, ultimately the progress has come due to the passing of time and the love and patience of my Father in Heaven as He's taught me how to shift my mindset, learn how to move forward, and accept the responsibility I have to forgive. Forgiving is a process, but I'm profoundly aware that it's more for my good than for the good of those I am asked to forgive.

Yesterday was my day to celebrate the "new" me with my #noFEAR theme...Forget Everything And Remember...remember who I am, where I've come from, the grace of God that has lead me to where I am today, and how incredibly thankful I am for the journey. My eldest daughter joins me in this day long event each year; amazingly, it was her idea to start this tradition 3 years ago and it has been one we will continue to treasure together. The day is always started with breakfast at a favorite restaurant where we enjoy an unhurried meal and an opportunity to revisit the "event", talk through the pain, and celebrate our victories in overcoming and healing through the past year. She is a wise soul and I cherish the fact that we have become dear forever friends. After breakfast, we find meaningful ways to spend our time reminiscing, and planning how we will move forward in the coming year. Her insight and perspective are amazing and I always leave at the end of the day wishing it would never end.

While there are individuals I've shared my story with, for the most part it's a secret I've kept to myself. Shame, and the guilt of disclosing the details of someone else's story have prevented me from going public. But, it's a part of me, a chapter in the story of MY life, and MINE to learn and heal from, as well as an opportunity to open my heart and offer true empathy and compassion to those who may have similar experience. Oh how I wish I'd had someone to turn to in the midst of my mess, someone who knew exactly what I was feeling, what I was thinking, how fear and anger, and confusion and guilt and shame swallowed me whole and threatened to ultimately destroy me. My life would have been blessed to know someone else who had survived it and come out with hope and healing and faith and courage on the other side.

Now that I'm on the other side, I'm humbled and grateful to know I can potentially be that person for someone else. And today, the burden and heaviness of secrecy is lifted as I openly share here. I am free. I am healing. And I am grateful for all I've learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life. I have a deep scar that will never go away, but I wear it without shame. It's a beautiful reminder of my strength, my courage, and the continued growth of my inner child toward the  beautiful, capable, and amazing woman she is becoming, and having so much to offer in the legacy I can now leave for those who come after me. And thanks be to God for His amazing love and patience, and for His grace He so willingly extends to me, a daughter He so valiantly fights for.

As my "new" year begins, I feel hopeful and renewed. I am becoming more and more appreciative of the good that comes from the difficult trials I experience in life. I am gaining courage and confidence in my ability to conquer and overcome the boulders of adversity that sometimes overwhelm me with setbacks and discouragement. And I'm ready to again move forward without delay.

I'm all in my friend! Are you with me?

Had I Not Swallowed Pieces of Hell First...

I know I'm not alone, but looking around sometimes I feel like it. In the secret corners of my mind I sometimes feel bullied by the cruelty of life. Heart wrenching experiences of my own, topped with those of people I love fiercely, sometimes threaten to hurl me far past my tipping point into the vast bottomless pit of despair. And the minutes and hours just keep ticking away as if to mock my inability to withstand the force. One sucker punch, one blindside, one flattening after another, sometimes life doesn't even allow me to catch my breath; and the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be nothing but another freaking freight train.

Adversity. It's real. And sometimes it's harsh. However:

• Adversity is a true test of one's strength. In my most difficult experiences I have come to realize I choose whether to be defeated or make a triumphant come back. 
• Adversity is educational. There is much to be said about learning from the hard knocks of life. I've learned so much about myself, what I'm really capable of overcoming, how to make better choices, and that healing really does take place if I'm patient and willing to ride out the storm.
• Adversity can destroy or strengthen relationships. In my personal life I have experienced first hand the benefits of clinging to others who are equally affected by a trial, working to love, support and comfort one another vs the loss of relationships due to one or the other retreating into bitterness or denial.
• Adversity develops patience. Going through tough times of my own, reminds me to be patient with others. Rarely do we know what other people are going through because we all have a tendency toward keeping things under wraps; you know the drill..."put your public face on, and "smile all the while" lest you become the uncomfortable focus of attention. 
• Adversity teaches us compassion. When I hear of another woman having a miscarriage, learn of the separation in a marriage, observe the rebellious attitude of a child toward their parents, see someone struggling to pay the bills...my heart hurts for them because I've been there.
• Adversity teaches us to be grateful. Tough times help me appreciate the good times. When life is rough, I'm so grateful for periods of time without struggle. I welcome the peace that comes after a stretch of discord or turmoil. Broken relationships, loss of loved ones to death or estrangement, deepens my appreciation for time spent with those I may otherwise take for granted. The cold and dark dreariness of winter makes my heart burst with delight for the warmth and light of spring. A bout of illness promotes in me a humble recognition of the blessing of good health.

You see,  had I not swallowed pieces of hell first, never could I have known the taste of heaven. It's all about embracing the harshness of life for the reward of enjoying it's treasures.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

There's a Reason Eggnog Isn't Available All Year

Christmas of my 8th grade year was one I will always remember. My dad was an archery enthusiast. He had all kinds of bows, he designed his own arrows, and he got the whole family involved with target practice. My younger sister was especially thrilled with the idea of someday having her very own bow, as there were 5 kids in our family still living at home to share with. 

That year, a tall, somewhat narrow, but not very deep box with this particular sister's name on it stood propped against some larger presents under the Christmas tree, boldly calling upon the growing, wild curiosity I struggled to ignore. I wanted desperately to know what was in that box, so I relentlessly pestered my dad...until he JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

"I'll tell you", he said in a voice of exasperation. "But you must promise to keep it to yourself."

"Oh I will!!", I said with a little more enthusiasm than I should have.

"It's a little ironing board. But don't tell."

It's a what? I said this quietly to myself because, well you know, it must have taken some "ingenious creativity" to come up with that one (can you hear my sarcasm?)...and I was secretly relieved it didn't have MY name on it.

"It's an archery bow!" I ran immediately to tell said sister in an attempt to get her really excited for nothing. "But don't tell anyone I told you."

I'd kept my promise to my dad, and  accomplished my goal of lighting the fire of anticipation in my gullible younger sister. Sadly, she was to be miserably disappointed, but we'd cross that bridge when we got to it.

Well, heaven must have been smiling down on me, because Christmas morning eventually arrived; and inside that magical box, was the bow my sister had been dreaming of! (My dad was a bit wiser than my 13 year old self gave him credit for).

I'm a sucker for anticipation! I love the days and weeks leading up to Christmas, my birthday, or a long awaited vacation. When my children were little, they were eager, as most children are, for holidays, the beginning of summer break, birthday parties and long awaited and carefully planned events. But I always found myself telling them..."Don't wish the time away! The thing you are looking forward to will come and just like that (snapping my fingers) it will be done and over with! Enjoy the anticipation!"

It seems that in our world of instant gratification, there isn't so much appreciation for looking forward to something, being giddy with excitement, feeling your heart beat a little faster as you wait for something wonderful to take place. But there are actually some really great benefits to anticipation: 

Stacey Kaiser, an editor of Live Happy magazine and a licensed psychotherapist says, "Anticipation alerts all of the pleasure centers in the body and says wake up, which can create happy feelings." Looking forward to something causes our brains to release hormones along the brain's reward system pathway.

So sometimes we have to intentionally create and prepare for anticipation. Here are a few things I've found helpful: 

1. DELAY GRATIFICATION: This doesn't come naturally in our culture of credit card purchases and express shipping of instant internet purchases. It's not always wise to purchase something in the spur of the moment, and receiving it immediately kills the anticipation and the joy felt when it eventually is received. I recently chose to wait with great anticipation for nearly a week for something I wanted "yesterday". The joy I felt when I finally received it was indescribable! 
2. PLAN SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO: Details for holiday celebrations, birthdays, vacations, events can all be prepared in advance. It doesn't need to be extravagant to be meaningful. When my children were young we made paper chains to "count down the days until...", planned ahead for summertime outings (trips to the public library, swimming, time with friends, picnics, day trips etc), and saved money by filling the piggy bank with spare change for "special treats". Now that they're adults, we still plan ahead and anticipate time and meaningful activities together. 
3. PRACTICE PATIENCE: Get comfortable with sitting in traffic, waiting at the Dr's office, standing in the check out line, receiving those long awaited test scores, hearing back from the contractor...and teach children to do the same. Patience is a precious commodity.

Anticipation is a lost art. It requires practice. It builds character. It creates a sense of happiness and joy and contentment.

I'm all in! Are you with me?