"Even If"...It's Still A Part of My Story

It was normal for me. And because it was all I knew, I assumed it was normal for everyone...but I hated it. As months and years passed, I became painfully aware my normal wasn't normal at all; and I found myself drowning in secrecy, shame, anxiety, and a heightened sense of hyper-vigilance. My self-esteem was beaten down and trampled to a dirty, shredded, useless pile of unrecognizable rubbish, and I felt as invisible as if I had never existed. I lived silently in a world of fear, and dreaded the rising of the morning sun. I spent every day going through the motions of  life, carefully avoiding the pull to do or try anything different than the routine I was used to for fear of exposing my hell and my suffocating humiliation. 

Welcome to adulthood they say. You have your whole life ahead of you. The world is your playground. You can do and be whatever you set your mind to. The problem was I was messed up, frightened, insecure, vulnerable, and emotionally scarred...the perfect set-up for getting sucked into an ugly cycle of codependency. I threw myself "in the toilet" for the sake of rescuing and fixing others in an attempt to fill my desperate unquenchable need for love and affection. 

Eventually I sought professional help. It allowed me to work through what I was dealing with, but I didn't really feel any different on the inside. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, how disgustingly gross I felt, the way I felt so inferior around other people. I felt unworthy of love and kindness even as I desperately craved attention and acceptance. I shunned the rare compliments I received from others and convinced myself they were all lies because people didn't know the real me buried deep in the muck and mire of my irrational perception of myself.

Years passed but nothing changed. As I reached each of the milestones one expects to experience in life, I got better at putting on and perfecting the facade that hid my pain and protected my heart. But I couldn't run from or erase my truth lurking in the dark corners of my mind, reminding me every moment of every day of my worthlessness.

I can't really pinpoint the exact moment things started to change for me. However, I do know it began with a conscious decision to escape from the prison inside my own head. As crazy as it sounds, I slowly began to question my truth...not the truth of what had happened to me, but my perception of how it had defined me. I thought about my motives, what drove me and determined how I would act and react in any given situation. Why and when did I choose to trust? Exhibit kindness? Be offended? Show compassion? Be approachable? Run away? I questioned (in my head) why someone liked me, and analyzed how a relationship with me benefited them. I began pondering what made my feel inferior to others around me, and challenged my deep seated belief that I had nothing to offer the world. At first there was little in the way of positives I could find, but when I did, I hung on to them and worked tirelessly to firmly attach them in my mind and in my heart as part of my new truth. This didn't happen overnight. It took years...3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Progress was painfully slow, but steady.

Today, 50 years later, I'm still very much aware of that little girl. She is now, and always will be a part of me. I am today, the culmination of all of the good, the bad, the ugly, the reprehensible. My story is not complete without any of it...without her. She is my link to the past, but I am her ticket to the future. I think she'd be mighty proud of the woman I've become, but I couldn't have done it without her courage, her integrity, and her will to thrive. She may not have had much to offer the world, but she offered me everything I needed to make a difference in our little corner of the world. Together we are beautiful. We are kind. We are amazing. We are worthy. And...we are worth it! My future is no longer defined by my past!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

What's Your Why?

A few weeks ago, I sat down to do some work on my laptop and soon after saw a "low power" message pop up on the screen. I stopped and quickly proceeded to plug the cord first into the jack, with the other end plugged firmly into the nearest electrical outlet. I was set to continue with my project. I was making great progress until, about 15 minutes later, it just shut down without any warning. "WHAT IS GOING ON??!!", I said out loud in exasperation. Only months before I spent a small fortune to purchase this laptop as the one I'd had previously just up and quit on me and could not be salvaged. Checking that the cord was still plugged securely into the jack, I was puzzled...until I looked over and realized it had been pulled from the socket in the wall. I had stretched the cord a little too far, eventually causing a a disconnect from the source it relied on for power. It could only sustain itself for a short period before it shut down, having become completely useless.

Just as I overstretched the power cord, I used to stretch myself too thin. I said yes to everyone and everything. I wasn't just last on the list. Most days I wasn't even on the list. I was so tired physically, emotionally and spiritually my needs were not being met. My dreams got shoved into a dark hole so I wouldn't have to feel guilty about not making them become a reality. I was known as "so and so's sister, mother, or daughter" but I'd lost my own identity. Beyond mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend...I was lost and I felt so empty.

So what's changed? I "crashed and burned" on every level. I literally had nothing more to give...not even to myself. Out of desperation, and with excruciating effort, I began making small changes. Now 5 years later, I matter. I'm not just on the list...I'm at the top of the list. I'm no longer functioning in auto pilot. I get out of bed every day with purpose, with a reason for being, with a fire in my belly that motivates me to be, to inspire, to make a difference in my own little corner of the world! I've "plugged in" to my sources of power that give me strength and energy, and motivation and encouragement:

• I pay attention to what I put in my body: No, every meal isn't perfect, nor is every day ideal, but I make a conscious effort to be more aware of what I eat. More fruits and vegetables, less sugar and fat, less junk food, more water. I'm not aiming to be skinny, but I am aiming to be a healthier version of me. This one little decision has led to some pretty amazing changes in my health...issues that have caused me a lot of anxiety and discomfort over decades. 
• I exercise: Just 20-30 minutes 3-5 times a week. Any thing will do. Nothing fancy. Nothing hard. Nothing strenuous. Sometimes I'm by myself. Sometimes I'm with a friend. 
• I read/listen to books on personal development: These inspire me, help me to see areas of my life in which I can make adjustments and improvements. I'm seeking to be the best I can be, looking to contribute in some small way to the human race. Some of these books are simply motivational, written by people who have become successful in life in one way or another. Others are stories of real people who have overcome adversity, used their challenges to aspire to become something no one believed they could become, or learned to fine tune their self-discipline to  help them reach a goal or make a dream come true. They created a purpose, found their "why" they were put on the planet and worked hard to put it into action. I'm pleased to say I've finally found my "why". That's what gets me out of bed every morning!
• I'm developing talents: I started at the age of forty-three finding ways to teach myself things I'd always wanted to learn...playing the piano, drawing portraits, crocheting, and playing the guitar just to name a few. Because I'm not doing this for anyone but me, it brings me joy! My down time is filled with amazing enjoyable activity. And...I'm NEVER EVER bored. My grandma was an amazing artist. But she didn't start taking lessons until she was in her late 60's. It's never too late to start.
• I set boundaries: This is my life. I am responsible for, and deserving of, the decision for who I interact with, what kind of people I surround myself with, and how much of my time I spend with/on them. There's A LOT less stress and drama in my life when I pay attention to relationships of every kind on every level. I work hard to have an attitude of servitude, to be patient and kind, to be friendly and give people the benefit of the doubt. However, I refuse to be a door mat, to take any kind of abuse, to be controlled or used for any other human being's self-serving purposes. I am important, and just as deserving of love and respect as anyone else. But...that love and respect has to come from me first, before I can expect to receive it from anyone else. 
• I have a morning devotional every single day: This is a minimum of 30 minutes to myself to pray and read scriptures. I believe wholeheartedly that there is divine interaction in my life. I purposefully seek guidance, direction, comfort and encouragement from Heaven...and quietly listen so I can receive it. No, my life isn't any easier, nor am I without problems, trials and difficulty because of it. But there is internal peace no matter how much external turmoil there is around me. I am a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, grandmother and friend because I put God first.
• I talk kindly to myself: I try not to say anything I wouldn't say to people I love. I cut myself some slack, I allow myself to make mistakes, I show myself compassion and I recognize some days are going to be crap days. I don't expect perfection from anyone else. Why would I expect it of myself?
• I listen to uplifting music: Music calms my soul, centers me, regulates my breathing and my heartbeat, lowers my stress level, promotes a feeling of happiness, puts a skip in my step, and soothes my brain.
• I count my blessings: Every day I try to find something to be grateful for...sometimes it's a miracle I've witnessed, other times it something as simple as the ability to walk or see, or having a roof over my head, and a soft warm bed to sleep in. Gratitude helps me to stay grounded and keep my attitude out of the toilet.

Being plugged in is crucial to good physical, emotional and spiritual health. It's imperative if you're committed to living with purpose. Wouldn't it be sad to come to the end of your life wondering what might have been? Life isn't a popularity contest, nor is it about being a martyr, or running yourself into the ground under the guise of fixing and rescuing everyone around you. Life is about living, leaving a legacy, planting hope and peace and joy in the hearts of those you love and connect with. No one can do it for you. Choose happiness. Choose to be positive. Choose to smile. Choose to find your "why". Choose to find and plug in to your sources of power!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Have You Seen Yourself Lately?

Years ago, on a beautiful summer morning I took my children to a parade. It was the kick off for the county fair, and a yearly tradition we all looked forward to. My spunky 5 year old was especially enthusiastic about the candy being thrown into the crowd so I tried to watch closely without hovering and getting in her way. In one single moment, I lost track of her as she blended into the huge crowd of children competing for those succulent morsels of sugary goodness. Panic gripped my pounding heart as I ran frantically to find her in the sea of youngsters. Eventually, I felt such relief when I found her, quite unaware of the fact that she had been lost.

In the spring of a previous year, our family of 5 lived with my in-laws for a couple of months while we were waiting to close on a home we had purchased on the other end of town. One particular morning, I was feeling ill and at the encouragement of my mother-in-law, went back to bed, leaving her to tend to my adventurous 4 year old as he played outside. At some point, she slipped into the house for only a moment and he swiftly disappeared from our yard. After an intense 2 hour search, a gentleman from a nearby neighborhood found him in his driveway climbing on his truck trying to escape a barking dog, and brought him home. Once again, I felt such relief at having found my little one.

Another year, on a cold January Sunday afternoon, after an hour or so of family "quiet time" (everyone in your room so mom can get some much needed rest), I found to my dismay a note left on the bed of my angry 11 year old, stating that she had "gone for a walk" to blow off some steam. Having no idea where she'd headed, we began searching the neighborhood, calling a few friends, hoping to bring her back home in spite of  her "attitude". Several hours later, she frantically called from the phone of a local church building (she'd gotten lost, but recognized this familiar land mark) and thankfully we were finally able to be reunited. 

A year later, on another cold January afternoon, my then 14 year old son decided to head off (unannounced) on an adventure. Again, having no idea where he'd taken off to, I nonchalantly contacted neighbors and friends, but to no avail. We searched in every imaginable place, including a small canyon he frequently visited in his free time. Within a couple of hours, the light of day disappeared right along with any new ideas for where we might find him. About 9pm, when I had reached the end of my ability to remain calm, we received a phone call from him stating that he was cold and exhausted, and a little afraid; he'd walked aimlessly for over 5 hours. Any anger I felt for his carelessness, was washed away with relief for the opportunity to bring him safely back home. 

When I was just 13 years old, I lost myself. I was timid and shy, and easily misguided. I looked to anyone and everyone for acceptance. I was one child in a dysfunctional family of 8. I suffered from severe anxiety, which propelled my need for external and internal calm. As a result, I worked feverishly to control the emotional "settings" of my surroundings, and at a very young age earned the title of "peace maker". I felt a huge responsibility for the "happiness" and well-being of other people. Any sign of discord or disappointment on their part triggered an immediate evaluation of my words, actions and feelings so as to adjust accordingly and extinguish the sorely uncomfortable conflict it created inside of me. I spent years feeling lost, empty, unappreciated, unloved and unworthy. My relationships were so lopsided that I gave and gave and gave without any thought that I deserved to do any "taking". I wasn't "enough"...and resorted to the fact that I never would be enough. 

It's taken a lot of searching...5 years to be exact...but I found myself. And I really like what I "see". Don't get me wrong; I have flaws, weaknesses and shortcomings. I have more than a lifetime of improvements to make. But I love who I am and I. Am. Enough. I feel happy and content and peaceful. I feel beautiful and worthy, and treat myself as such. I give the same level of attention to my physical, emotional and spiritual self-care as I would a new born baby, because I deserve it. I set healthy boundaries in my personal relationships and carefully  consider my responsibility in nurturing and strengthening them in a healthy manner.  I'm nowhere near perfect, but I am perfectly imperfect! I still have hard days. Trials and adversity are a running theme in my life, but I wouldn't trade the lessons or the blessings for all the money in the world. I sometimes fail at reaching my goals and fulfilling my dreams, but I never fail at getting back up and trying again. And that overwhelming feeling is mine again, at finally being reunited with my inner child. 

Life is a journey. Even with the bumps in the road and the setbacks, there can be joy in the journey if you take it with both eyes wide open! And heaven knows YOU DESERVE THE JOY!

I'm all in! Are you with me?