Don't Let it Be You

I obviously have no memory of the day I was born. However, I like to imagine it was a beautiful day, filled with gloriously warm sunshine that pierced a deep ocean blue sky.

My earliest memories are scarce, but begin about the age of 3. However, I'm not addressing memories here; I'm choosing to focus on the very day I experienced pain, and light, and cold, and hunger for the very first time.

I know what it's like to welcome a newborn into the world. I've given birth to 4 children, and will never ever forget the awe and wonder I experienced as each one was placed in my arms for the first time; staring at their precious cherub faces, admiring their tiny button noses and perfectly pink pouty lips, counting their tiny fingers and toes, all the while wondering how it was possible that I could already be so in love:

Connection

Only moments ago

I wondered who you were;

Now that I am holding you

My heart begins to stir.

Suddenly I recognize

Now that we’re together,

I would give up everything

To be with you forever.

-Karla Claybrook

Then reality sets in with little to no sleep, endless feedings and diaper changes, teething and crying, and crankiness. And anxiety. And doubt and fear, and sometimes even in the best of circumstances, a flood of "what was I thinking?" There's no handbook. And no two children are alike. And you don't have enough hands (Or elbows. Or patience). Mix in a few more children and a little a lot more chaos. Oh and suffocatingly deep dark depression...therein lies the makings of shattered dreams of too many once hopeful adolescent hearts. And most of them suffer in silence.

My mom was one of those. I didn't have the maturity to understand her suffering, but I remember vividly her frustration each time she returned from a doctor's appointment. "I'm just fat, forty, and neurotic", she'd say with disgust. Sadly, that became a sort of a joke to my dad, but I never heard her laugh about it. I know now she was probably drowning in despair. 

Unfortunately, life in our home was far from ideal. But by the grace of God, I survived. Healing has taken the majority of my entire adult life. But I can't help but look at the sweet little face in that worn black and white photo, with awe and respect, and a heart full of love and gratitude. With my whole life ahead of me, I entered the world so precious and fragile, and innocent to the reality of what lay ahead of me. And I've conquered with determination, and courage, and faith that has firmly connected my heart to the Master Healer.

That day, more than half a century ago, was indeed, an extraordinary day. It was the humble beginning of my miraculous journey to my very best self. While many experiences have been harsh, and the scars too numerous to count, I wouldn't trade the lessons or the blessings for anything this world has to offer. And I LOVE who that precious baby girl is becoming!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Biggest Thief in Life

I remember like it was yesterday when my three oldest children were tiny. The days were long and hard and my kiddos required so much of my time and attention. I woke up early every morning and before my feet hit the floor, I was already strategizing my plan for surviving until nap time. That's all the further my brain could take me. There was no thought of cleaning or laundry or what to cook for dinner; just the agonizing anticipation of a nap, though the laundry and cleaning and dinner preparation all happened rather haphazardly. I heard often from more seasoned and experienced mothers that I should cherish this time in my life; they may as well have suggested finding joy in herding cats, or taking a swarm of bumble bees for a lovely day at the park. I couldn't figure out how to cherish meeting our $600 health insurance deductible in the month of January, the anxiety of being separated from a child who'd mysteriously wandered out of sight, being down with the stomach flu while my littles ran through the house like a tornado, the sudden full blown tantrums in the grocery store, or the 300,000,000 sleepless nights sitting up with one who refused to go to sleep.

Of course some days were easier than others. There were moments of giggles and laughter, squeals of joy at the anticipation of a play date, time well spent settling in with a favorite movie and treat, and scores of birthdays and holidays well celebrated. But these were not the norm...they were merely the moments that made the mostly difficult reality a little more bearable. I longed for the day when my children would be more self reliant, less needy and demanding. But I soon realized with older children came a whole different set of worries, concerns and demands...and certainly no less physical or emotional exhaustion.

Why is it  we lust for future comfort, for the next chapter in our lives? I think it's too easy to jump into anticipation of what's to come; sometimes that's to prepare, to set goals, to have something to look forward to, but my experience tells me much of the time it's looking forward to being done with my unfavorable miserable circumstances, moving on to something much more desirable, the reality  of my future I've observed with my rose colored glasses. But life throws wrench after stupid wrench in the plans I have for my "perfect" life. And if I'm not careful I get caught in the tangled web of "my life sucks" and "everyone has it better than me!" 

So how does one learn to find joy in the moment? Let me share a few things I've learned:

1. Adopt a mantra. Sounds corny? You really should give it a try. Find a quote or saying that really speaks to you then put it on your mirror, or hang it on the wall by your bed. Say it OUT LOUD at least 10 times a day and it will eventually become a part of your thought process. Here are a couple of my favorites: "Come what may and love it!" and "Embrace the suck!" My cousin recently shared that last one with me. (Thanks Angela!)
2. Slip into the "end zone".  Shut your mind down. Just for a few minutes quit thinking about your present circumstances, or worrying about the future. Turn it off. Let it rest. You'll be amazed at the difference that reset makes. No, your problems won't disappear. Your "stuff" will still have to be dealt with. But it WILL make a difference, at least temporarily, in your ability to find some peace.
3. Lighten up. Look for something to smile or laugh about. When my son was 3, and learning to dress himself, he came to me one morning super excited about his shirt. "Is my shirt on backwards?" he asked with a twinkle in his eyes. "Nope" was all I replied. And with that he jumped into the air and clapped his little hands "I did it!", he exclaimed with great enthusiasm. "It's wards!" "It's what?" I asked feeling a little confused. "It's wards! It's not backwards! It's wards!!" That made me laugh right out loud and his enthusiasm for what I saw to be such a little thing impacted the rest of my morning. Try it. It's amazing what a little laughter can do.
4. Lie down and "melt like butter". Seriously, close your eyes and start at the top of your head. Imagine every part of you in turn, melting like butter. This is something I used with my children when they had a stomachache or a headache. It worked like magic to get the pain under control and they  were better able to rest.
5. Get up and move! Just 5 minutes is all it takes. Just a little walk down the street or around your office or around your house if that's all you can manage. Movement helps the blood to flow and aids in clearing your mind and heart of stress or emotional distress. Get that blood pumping and you'll begin to feel a little better.
6. Express gratitude. I know it probably sounds a little trite. But have you tried it lately? Write a thank you note. Send a text. Make a phone call. I'm sure there's someone who's graced your day with kindness. Make a list of blessings, of all the things that are going right in your life. Make a list of all the people you love and appreciate. It's a "love lift" for your heart. "It's not happy people who are grateful, it's grateful people who are happy." I have no idea who said that, but I really like it!
7. Practice awareness. Have you noticed the sun come out behind the clouds? Noticed the simple beauty of a field of flowers? Felt the rain on your face? Noticed how warm your heart feels when someone gives you a hug or holds your hand? Have you listened to the laughter of the neighborhood children or taken time to take in the scent of your favorite lotion or your spouse's cologne or perfume? How about savoring that luscious bite of ice cream or the crazy yummy taste of that slice of homemade bread? Tune in. Engage ALL of your senses. Be completely aware of your surroundings and what's going on around you. And while you're at it...breathe long and deep.
8. Listen. All around you there are people who are worse off than you are. You hear it on the news, see it all over social media, probably have some friends or neighbors going through a pretty difficult challenge. Let your heart feel that compassion. If it's someone close, express your love and desire for their circumstances to improve. Find someone to pray for. Prayer is healing not only for the one needing the healing, but also for the one doing the praying.
9. Spend time with your pet. Animals have a way of providing comfort and peace. They are quick to curl up in your lap and their love is unconditional. They just love you because you are. If you have a pet, let them spoil you with love and attention. It's as good for them as it is for you. 
10. Do something nice for yourself. Nope, that's not selfish. It's called excellent self-care. Take time out for a bubble bath, a warm shower, a good book, a long walk, a piece of chocolate, a favorite movie, time with a friend, a hobby...anything you like and appreciate. Don't let yourself get lost in the crowd. When everyone else comes first, you don't "come at all". You're never last. You'e just forgotten...sitting on the shelf of life waiting for attention. If you don't give it, no one else will. It's not anyone else's responsibility. Try it. Every day. Your heart, your mind, your family, your coworkers and your inner child will thank you!

Looking forward in anticipation of the next phase, the better circumstance, the easier times, truly is the biggest thief in life. Don't let anticipation steal your happiness or well-being. There is always something to smile about. 

Find it!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

So...What Are You Going To Do With That?

We've all been there at one time or another: 

Just received bad news. Can't get kids to cooperate. Hard day at the office. Family pet just died. Failing classes in school. Taking care of ailing parents. . Have a migraine. Fought with sibling this morning. Forgot to do homework. Feeling ignored. Needs aren't being met. Can't pay the bills. Car totaled in an accident. Foreclosure on house. Feeling annoyed. Laid off from job. Feeling depressed. Lonely. Anxious. Being bullied at school. Feeling guilt. Spouse diagnosed with terminal illness. No friends. Vacation cancelled. Overworked. Underpaid. Victim of crime. Not enough sleep. Being abused. Unwanted pregnancy. Heart broken. Can't catch a break. Worried. Emotionally exhausted.

And yet, we choose to put on the face that says "I'm fine" as sometimes the humiliation of being broken, or fear of bursting the emotional dam is too much to handle. Feeling pain, expressing emotion...even the negative ones...is part of the raw human experience. And sometimes we feel compelled to deny ourselves that same experience we would willingly allow another human being. We hold ourselves to a higher standard, make ourselves the exception to the rule because we should be stronger than that, exercise better self control, have a more optimistic attitude.

There are, however, wonderful benefits to communicating our emotions in a healthy manner, in the right context, and with people who truly care about us:

• Venting or processing provides emotional relief and/or helps to alleviate suffering
• It provides a sense of clarity and understanding
• We are better able to find meaning in our experiences and make sense of our emotions
• We can seek advice, solutions, suggestions and feedback
• We are better able to identify and validate our emotions
• We learn to be more compassionate with ourselves and with others
• We become better at nurturing interpersonal relationships
• It helps us to put our experiences into perspective

It's not always easy. Sometimes it requires a huge amount of humility and courage. It requires time and effort and energy. You may find that professional help is necessary; there's nothing wrong with meeting with a therapist who can provide helpful tools to promote healing and coping skills. It can be exhausting and frustrating on many levels. But ultimately, it's one of the best things you can do for yourself. Nothing worth doing is ever easy!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Who Are You? And What Have You Done With Myself?

Life is full of exhausting demands and much of the time it's so difficult to balance. No need for me to go into detail, because if you're reading this, you're likely already very familiar, and probably up to your eyeballs in the reality of that statement. You ever played one of those restaurant games on your computer or your tablet...you know, the ones where the tutorial shows you how to "run all the machines" and "fill the orders" of the "customers"? when you start out it's like "Hey this isn't so bad" and "boom!" Suddenly you have 15 customers ordering 20 different items and they're all pissed off because you're not moving fast enough. And you find yourself getting all panicky, and your heart starts racing and you hold your breath and your fingers are flying and eventually it's "game over"..."you suck"..."you weren't good enough"..."here, you want to try again?" Ummm. No.

I suppose some people are really good at those kind of games. But I'm not. I don't even find it fun or entertaining. I tried twice and both times I just shut down.

Well, life in all of it's hustle and hurry and deadlines and frustration, sometimes gets so out of control and overwhelming, that I have to remind myself to "push pause". Stop. Quit. Be still. Time out. Done. I don't care who you are or what you need...leave me the hell alone! Because, I learned the hard way there are only so many hours in a day, I only have 2 hands, my shoulders have a limited weight capacity, my brain only runs on so many circuits before it's fried, and I don't have the energy of a freaking 2 year old. "Pause", I will...and I don't need your permission. Thank you very much.

So what does that "pause" look like? Whatever I want it to look like. But you can guarantee it's all on my terms. And it's scheduled consistently. Because if it's not scheduled, it ain't happening. And if I need an "emergency time out"...because "life happens",  I take it. And these are my rules:

• 1 hour minimum
• If I want to be by myself I can
• If I want to invite you I will
• If I don't invite you, don't even think about inviting yourself
• I can be anywhere I want
• For as long as I need

And what do I do? Whatever I feel like. One of these (or more if I feel like it) for example:

• Go for a drive
• Go for a walk
• Go to a movie
• Take a LOOOOONG hot shower
• Write in my journal
• Play a game on my tablet
• Go on a photo shoot (I'm not a photographer. I just like seeing things through the lens of a camera sometimes)
• Crochet
• Work on an art project
• Write a poem
• Read or listen to a book
• Clean and organize my room
• Put together a puzzle
• Eat chocolate
• Meditate
• Go window shopping
• Listen to uplifting music
• Sleep
• Play with play dough or kinetic sand
• Go people watching
• Nothing

I'm never out of ideas. Anything I can do to relax and regroup. There's a lot of being accountable to other people in life; deadlines to be met, relationships to be formed, appointments to be kept. But, I'm not willing to lose or sacrifice myself in the process. There are priorities...and I AM an important one. So I'm committed to treating myself like it!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

18 Effective Ways To Beat Stress

You ever feel this way? Boy I have! And it's harsh. The enormous stresses of life staring me in the face...and I just want to run and hide. But, in the fog of confusion I can't see which direction to go for cover. I know I can't just stand there because the stress is going to destroy me, but I can't escape; I feel helpless and completely overwhelmed. I'm not talking about depression. If you have symptoms of depression you need to seek professional help.

But here are 18 powerful ways I've used (yes, every one of them!) to help me that help me clear the fog and conquer the stress:

1. Pay attention to your breathing: Seriously. Stop what you're doing and take. a. deep. breath. Close your eyes. And be still. And breath. In and out. Again. And again. For 2-3 minutes just feel yourself breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.
2. Stop the people pleasing: This is yours. Remember you're in the front seat and you are in control! Never mind what your mom, or your sibling, or your best friend's aunt's first cousin thinks. In the end, you will be the one dealing with the outcome. Don't let anyone else get in your head or your heart without your permission.
3. Write it down: Grab your journal or just a piece of scratch paper and write down what's stressing you. This doesn't necessarily resolve anything, but it helps to get it out of your head. Sometimes it even helps put it all in perspective. It may or may not be as big a deal as your brain led you to believe.
4. Eat well: Yep. It's the truth! Eating junk food, skipping meals, stuffing your face with whatever is in front of you makes you FEEL LIKE CRAP! Yes, it takes time and effort and a little planning to eat healthy, but you can do it! I'm not saying you can't have that piece of chocolate...or even the whole candy bar. Just don't eat an entire bag. If breakfast isn't your thing, or you don't have time for lunch, please reconsider. Seriously, have some fruit or nuts or some fresh vegetables on hand to grab when you're feeling hungry or you've just got the munchies. It will help you in the long run. You don't have to overhaul your whole diet...right now...today. Just make a small change. One change eventually leads to another and another.
5. Practice gratitude: Really, I get it. When life sucks, it's next to impossible to find something to be grateful for. But just look around and I know you can find at least one. My go to, when I'm struggling to be grateful is my completely functional limbs. When I start to imagine how difficult my life would be without them, it puts things in perspective. Things can ALWAYS be worse!
6. Listen to relaxing music: Music is magic for me. I have a playlist on my phone that helps me feel calm and peaceful. I lay on my bed and close my eyes and escape the misery of life. Sometimes I only have 5 minutes, other times I can get away with an hour or more. But it helps me decompress every single time.
7. Take on a tactile hobby: When you put yourself behind everyone else, you miss out! I spent my first 45 years of life wishing I could play the piano. I couldn't afford lessons, but I spent $100 for a very small and ridiculously simple keyboard/simplified music and flash cards and taught myself. Eventually I "graduated" to a used piano and enjoyed hours of playing the simplest compositions I could find to learn and enjoy. I'm no prodigy, and I'm not good enough to entertain the crowd, but I LOVE doing it for me. I've also taken up drawing and crocheting. I've read books to gather knowledge and skill from the local library, looked up "how to" articles on the internet, and watched hours of video on YouTube. It's fun. And it's relaxing. And it's just for me.
8. Schedule small adventures: Get away. Just for an hour or two, or make a day of it. Take a friend. Take your family. Or go by yourself (just make sure someone knows where you're headed so they know where to look if you come up missing!) If you do a little research you can find all kinds of interesting destinations reasonably close to your location. Time away even for just an hour or two can make all the difference when you're feeling overwhelmed or burned out.
9. Look at the big picture: Change your perspective. Believe it or not, "this too shall be a memory". That's not to say it's not hard, gut wrenching, or uncomfortable (whatever the case may be). But, time and patience and faith promote healing. There may be scars, but wounds DO heal. Cut yourself some slack. Step back. And take just one day at a time.
10. Go for a walk: It doesn't have to be long. Just walk for 5 minutes. Then turn around and walk back to where you started. Even that little bit of time and activity can make a difference in the way you feel.
11. Meditate: Go somewhere quiet and just be alone. As you relax, acknowledge and observe all that's happening around you...pleasant or unpleasant. Empty your mind and just observe, without reacting. Feel and hear your heart beating. Feel and hear your lungs breathing. Be still.
12. Watch something funny: My go to's are "I Love Lucy" and "The Dick Van Dyke Show". Sometimes I indulge and enjoy a marathon.
13. Take smaller steps: Break up your routine. Make your "to do" list more manageable with smaller steps to your end goal. Prioritize. Take care of what's most important first and leave the less important details for another day. Don't force yourself to run if you're only able to crawl.
14. Schedule tasks: I used to think this a ridiculous idea...just make a list and get it done! But, I've learned that scheduling takes the stress out of getting everything accomplished. And...it helps me to be realistic about what I actually can accomplish. Very helpful! You should try it if you haven't already.
15. Take a long shower or soak in the tub: This is one of my favorites! I LOVE standing in a warm shower, feeling the soothing water run off of me. There are days I  would literally choose to stand in the shower all day long if I thought I could get away with it. Soaking in the tub doesn't do much for me...but I've heard it works for a lot of other people.
16. Pay attention to your sleep schedule: I can't stress this enough. Going to bed and getting up at the same time every day is essential to dealing with stress. My sleep is affected by so many factors, I have to be SUPER conscious. I can't eat too late, I need about an hour before bed to unwind, I have to watch my sugar intake during the day, I'm not a caffeine drinker but I've heard that can also be a deterrent. Pay attention. Track your habits to see what you can improve so you can get more effective sleep. It's essential for the health of your body AND your brain.
17. Disconnect: Ugh! Smart phones, tablets, television, computers...sometimes my brain goes on overload. If I'm not careful technology rules my life! Track how much time you actually spend on any kind of device and you'll be shocked at the reality vs your perception. We need more human connection in our lives. Play games with your family, go on a date with your spouse, have chat time with a friend, find a volunteering opportunity in your community, look for occasion to do random acts of kindness throughout your day. You'll have fewer headaches, less neck and back pain, more mental focus, a more pleasant attitude, less anxiety, more fun and a whole new appreciation for life! I know. It's hard. But you can do hard things!
18. Prepare: This sounds ridiculously simple. But it's an important aspect of de-stressing. Prepare for your day the night before. Make your to do list. Set out your clothes. Set your priorities. Find your voice and be prepared to use it. Do your homework. Clean the kitchen and tidy up the house. Call the babysitter well in advance. Write appointments down on your calendar. Coordinate your family schedules. Schedule time for yourself. For heaven's sake, DON'T be the creator of your own crisis! Prepare. Prepare. Prepare!

I hope you'll find these helpful! 

I'm all in! Are you with me?