F.E.A.R.

I haven't posted in awhile. There's been far too much drama trying to creep into my life and I'm exhausted from fighting to keep it out. I'm much too old and much too focused on making the best of my remaining time here to get wrapped up in such crap. There is absolutely no room for selfish words, toxic behavior, or ulterior motives in my life. I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to learn better ways and protect my own personal sense of well-being on every level.

This past week has been difficult as the 7th anniversary of a traumatizing and life changing event came calling like an unavoidable guest sitting on the front porch of my soul. My husband of then 26 years attempted suicide in a brutally horrific manner, losing nearly 1/2 of his blood in the process and ultimately failing in his attempt. It's painful for my heart and mind to relive the ordeal, but so healing emotionally to see just how far I've come in those 7 years. I seriously doubt the shock and pain will ever go away, but they do seem to have decreased in intensity with time, for which I am most grateful. I've done SO much hard work emotionally, in therapy and on my own. But, ultimately the progress has come due to the passing of time and the love and patience of my Father in Heaven as He's taught me how to shift my mindset, learn how to move forward, and accept the responsibility I have to forgive. Forgiving is a process, but I'm profoundly aware that it's more for my good than for the good of those I am asked to forgive.

Yesterday was my day to celebrate the "new" me with my #noFEAR theme...Forget Everything And Remember...remember who I am, where I've come from, the grace of God that has lead me to where I am today, and how incredibly thankful I am for the journey. My eldest daughter joins me in this day long event each year; amazingly, it was her idea to start this tradition 3 years ago and it has been one we will continue to treasure together. The day is always started with breakfast at a favorite restaurant where we enjoy an unhurried meal and an opportunity to revisit the "event", talk through the pain, and celebrate our victories in overcoming and healing through the past year. She is a wise soul and I cherish the fact that we have become dear forever friends. After breakfast, we find meaningful ways to spend our time reminiscing, and planning how we will move forward in the coming year. Her insight and perspective are amazing and I always leave at the end of the day wishing it would never end.

While there are individuals I've shared my story with, for the most part it's a secret I've kept to myself. Shame, and the guilt of disclosing the details of someone else's story have prevented me from going public. But, it's a part of me, a chapter in the story of MY life, and MINE to learn and heal from, as well as an opportunity to open my heart and offer true empathy and compassion to those who may have similar experience. Oh how I wish I'd had someone to turn to in the midst of my mess, someone who knew exactly what I was feeling, what I was thinking, how fear and anger, and confusion and guilt and shame swallowed me whole and threatened to ultimately destroy me. My life would have been blessed to know someone else who had survived it and come out with hope and healing and faith and courage on the other side.

Now that I'm on the other side, I'm humbled and grateful to know I can potentially be that person for someone else. And today, the burden and heaviness of secrecy is lifted as I openly share here. I am free. I am healing. And I am grateful for all I've learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life. I have a deep scar that will never go away, but I wear it without shame. It's a beautiful reminder of my strength, my courage, and the continued growth of my inner child toward the  beautiful, capable, and amazing woman she is becoming, and having so much to offer in the legacy I can now leave for those who come after me. And thanks be to God for His amazing love and patience, and for His grace He so willingly extends to me, a daughter He so valiantly fights for.

As my "new" year begins, I feel hopeful and renewed. I am becoming more and more appreciative of the good that comes from the difficult trials I experience in life. I am gaining courage and confidence in my ability to conquer and overcome the boulders of adversity that sometimes overwhelm me with setbacks and discouragement. And I'm ready to again move forward without delay.

I'm all in my friend! Are you with me?

Go Ahead and Cancel That Subscription

About a year ago I served on a committee responsible for the planning and execution of a dinner and program for approximately 200-300 women. We spent about 6 weeks planning every detail from the menu right down to the table decor and the lighting that would set the proper ambiance for the event.

On the evening before, while we busied ourselves with setting up tables and chairs, placing our carefully thought out decor around the room, and adding the finishing touch of burlap runners and center pieces for the tables, I suddenly found myself struggling for breath and realized the burlap I'd been handling was a dangerous trigger for my asthma. Having had little to no trouble with my asthma for the 2 years previous, I found myself ill prepared with no inhaler...which added to my feeling of anxiety and panic. 

I quickly excused myself, jumped in my car and speedily drove the 5 minutes it took to arrive home, all the while trying to assess what level of intervention I was going to need. Long story short...I survived, but learned a couple of very important lessons.

1. Always be prepared. I let my inhaler prescription expire and decided not to get it renewed because "I was doing just fine without it". Do you see how well that worked for me? Thankfully, a hot shower, a full dose of antihistamine, a fresh change of clothes, and a whole lot of prayer and patience paid off. And I got right in to my Dr the next morning to get a new prescription, a peak flow meter, and an "asthma plan". (He was a new Dr I'd never seen before due to my moving to a new location). I am now happy to say I'm more educated and more prepared for the next occurrence (I have since realized just how out of control my asthma was even before this incident).
2. Sometimes "toxins" can catch you off guard. I had no idea burlap was so "toxic" for me. I learned the hard way. But I paid attention, made note, and will never ever again allow myself to be subjected to it. I now know it's something I have to stay away from if I want to protect my health. There is no bargaining. No making exceptions.

So why am I telling you this story? Sometimes people are toxic. And just like that burlap affected my physical well-being, they can wreak havoc on a person's mental health and emotional well-being. These are people who: 

• Selfishly take up all of one's time and/or energy
• Constantly criticize others
• Play the role of "victim"; always talk like everything wrong in their life is someone else's fault
• Have a negative mindset; always worried, stressed, pessimistic and complain a lot (disclaimer: It's important to distinguish the difference here between people who are truly toxic and individuals who have a negative outlook because they suffer from clinical depression)
• Have a "short fuse"; always belittling, berating, insulting or yelling. Being around them causes one to feel like they must tread carefully
• Manipulate and use others
• Hurt and disappoint others

It's exhausting; but left unresolved, it can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms which in turn allow a toxic person to have power over an individual for years to come. So what can you do?

• Identify the toxicity: Toxic people are often manipulative and selfish. They are hard to please and impossible to work with. They have difficulty owning their feelings and aren't likely to apologize or admit they are wrong.
• Set healthy boundaries: It will be hard, but it's imperative. Once the boundaries are set, stick with them. Don't make exceptions to the rule.
• Don't be too nice: Toxic people thrive on "niceness". They take advantage and manipulate goodness and kindness to their favor. Be firm. Don't be cruel, but don't be overly accommodating.
• Don't rescue: Don't cave to their "neediness", a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend. Let what's theirs be theirs. If their situation really is critical, direct them to resources or professionals that specialize in catering to those needs.
• Establish clear limits for interactions: Don't allow for the creation of problems or drama in your life.
• Don't try to change them: There is no change for someone who doesn't want to change. If it's working for them, let it be what it is. But step away.

I'd be stupid to expose myself to burlap and trigger my asthma knowingly. Clearly, it's a hazard, a toxin for my lungs. Since breathing is an essential function for a healthy lifestyle, it makes sense to steer clear; to be vigilant and intentionally avoid any further contact. So it is with toxic people. I have enough stress, anxiety, and problems of my own. Life is hard enough without "subscribing to another person's issues". Sometimes toxic people creep into a person's life unexpectedly. Sometimes they're a part of one's family. Some are easier to deal with; in some cases, it may require professional help to gain the tools necessary to make a break. It's a lot of hard work, but the pay-off is well worth it! Health and well-being are a precious commodity. Why would one knowingly hand it over to another person? Life is short. Take it back! Go ahead and cancel that subscription!

I'm all in! Are you with me?