The Devil's Radio

 

"Word is going around that you're looking 'haggard'" my friend told me as she quickly encouraged me into her car. "We're going to fix that!" 

I had every reason to be looking haggard. I was single-handedly raising 3 children under the age of 5 (married to their nonparticipating father) and running myself into the ground to pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, handle the logistics of getting help for a child with a significant developmental delay, keep up with mountains of laundry, meet the demands of my church responsibilities, work through the issues I was facing with my own emotional health, cook and clean, and manage the expectations of a high maintenance spouse. It was a little overwhelming to say the least; I was a ticking time bomb. However, there was no consideration for the truth of the matter at hand from those who gossiped behind my back. My life was a mess. And while I was doing the very best I knew how, I was drowning in the ominous ocean of dysfunction.

I suppose there are a myriad of reasons why people gossip: perhaps there's a need for "indirect" retaliation, a desire to prove one's worth and qualification for fitting into the "in crowd", jealousy, seeking acceptance/friends, poor judgement, or maybe a lack of better things to do with their time. Sadly, to some it may even seem like a harmless form of recreation until they become the one people are talking about. I read an article recently that claimed gossip has healthy benefits, but I believe it to be far more harmful than beneficial. Just my own opinion of course...you may feel differently. In my mind it's akin to bullying, except the victim isn't present to defend themselves; in fact, they are likely unaware that it's happening. It's demeaning. It can ruin a person's reputation, it promotes lies or half truths about a person behind their back, and it creates a lot of unnecessary drama for everyone involved.

If you are the subject of gossip, here are some things that may be helpful:

1. Take a step back and identify your emotions.
2. Use calming strategies to ground yourself: go for a long walk, do some deep breathing exercises, take a long warm shower, meditate, go for a work out. This will give you time to think about how to approach the problem in a more realistic and healthy manner.
3. Recognize that the situation isn't really about you; it's about others needing to tear you down to make themselves appear at least a little better than you.
4. If you know who is behind the gossip, and you choose to have a conversation or a confrontation with them, be sure to do so in private, behind a closed door, with a calm voice, out of earshot of other people.
5. Don't go into the mode of attacking, intimidating or accusing. This will only "add fuel to the fire".
6. Don't include any other person in the conversation (so and so said this or that). That will only frustrate the conversation.
7. Be clear about your purpose for having said conversation. Are you trying to stop the gossip? Or are you trying to correct misinformation? Know your intent before you begin.
8. Be clear about your expectation following the conversation. What do you expect to happen as a result. Make sure they know your expectation as well.
9. Try not to focus on the negative experience. Focus on what's going right in your life. Spend some extra time letting yourself feel gratitude for all that is good and positive and brings you joy. 
10. Show yourself some compassion and have a forgiving attitude. It beats letting yourself continue to be angry, feeling stressed and "bent out of shape". The person who benefits most will be you. You will be better able to move on and have less negative impact on your health and well-being.

If you are one who spreads gossip, here are some things you might consider:

1. Get the facts before you consider opening your mouth...and not from a 2nd or 3rd party. If you didn't hear it first hand it's likely not true. There's no need to spread toxic, untrue, or one-sided information about people.
2. Ask yourself "What's my intent for passing along this information? Am I trying to make myself feel better? Is it harmful? Would I say it to their face?
3. What's behind your need to gossip? Are you angry? Are you jealous? What is the person doing that's bothering you so much?
4.  Wouldn't it be better to speak with the person face to face to find a solution to the problem? It may not be easier but it IS kinder and it will more likely cause a whole lot less drama. Perhaps it might foster a more healthy relationship between the two of you.
5. If someone comes to you with a bit of "juicy" information, change the subject or disengage. Walk away. Make up an excuse if you have to. Don't allow yourself to be a participant in such negative damaging behavior.

Gossiping may not be an easy habit for some people to break. But here's the thing: Even if the story is true, spreading it can cause so much more damage to the person being talked about, and have serious far reaching consequences. No one wants to be the topic of gossip. Everyone deserves a fair shake, to be given the benefit of the doubt. Is it worth ruining a relationship, a career, a family, a sense of acceptance and belonging? Is it worth the loss of a life? Think before you speak. A little kindness goes a long way. You may be the tipping point, the one who made the difference between a tragic loss and a comforted soul. Spread love not gossip.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Have You Seen Yourself Lately?

Years ago, on a beautiful summer morning I took my children to a parade. It was the kick off for the county fair, and a yearly tradition we all looked forward to. My spunky 5 year old was especially enthusiastic about the candy being thrown into the crowd so I tried to watch closely without hovering and getting in her way. In one single moment, I lost track of her as she blended into the huge crowd of children competing for those succulent morsels of sugary goodness. Panic gripped my pounding heart as I ran frantically to find her in the sea of youngsters. Eventually, I felt such relief when I found her, quite unaware of the fact that she had been lost.

In the spring of a previous year, our family of 5 lived with my in-laws for a couple of months while we were waiting to close on a home we had purchased on the other end of town. One particular morning, I was feeling ill and at the encouragement of my mother-in-law, went back to bed, leaving her to tend to my adventurous 4 year old as he played outside. At some point, she slipped into the house for only a moment and he swiftly disappeared from our yard. After an intense 2 hour search, a gentleman from a nearby neighborhood found him in his driveway climbing on his truck trying to escape a barking dog, and brought him home. Once again, I felt such relief at having found my little one.

Another year, on a cold January Sunday afternoon, after an hour or so of family "quiet time" (everyone in your room so mom can get some much needed rest), I found to my dismay a note left on the bed of my angry 11 year old, stating that she had "gone for a walk" to blow off some steam. Having no idea where she'd headed, we began searching the neighborhood, calling a few friends, hoping to bring her back home in spite of  her "attitude". Several hours later, she frantically called from the phone of a local church building (she'd gotten lost, but recognized this familiar land mark) and thankfully we were finally able to be reunited. 

A year later, on another cold January afternoon, my then 14 year old son decided to head off (unannounced) on an adventure. Again, having no idea where he'd taken off to, I nonchalantly contacted neighbors and friends, but to no avail. We searched in every imaginable place, including a small canyon he frequently visited in his free time. Within a couple of hours, the light of day disappeared right along with any new ideas for where we might find him. About 9pm, when I had reached the end of my ability to remain calm, we received a phone call from him stating that he was cold and exhausted, and a little afraid; he'd walked aimlessly for over 5 hours. Any anger I felt for his carelessness, was washed away with relief for the opportunity to bring him safely back home. 

When I was just 13 years old, I lost myself. I was timid and shy, and easily misguided. I looked to anyone and everyone for acceptance. I was one child in a dysfunctional family of 8. I suffered from severe anxiety, which propelled my need for external and internal calm. As a result, I worked feverishly to control the emotional "settings" of my surroundings, and at a very young age earned the title of "peace maker". I felt a huge responsibility for the "happiness" and well-being of other people. Any sign of discord or disappointment on their part triggered an immediate evaluation of my words, actions and feelings so as to adjust accordingly and extinguish the sorely uncomfortable conflict it created inside of me. I spent years feeling lost, empty, unappreciated, unloved and unworthy. My relationships were so lopsided that I gave and gave and gave without any thought that I deserved to do any "taking". I wasn't "enough"...and resorted to the fact that I never would be enough. 

It's taken a lot of searching...5 years to be exact...but I found myself. And I really like what I "see". Don't get me wrong; I have flaws, weaknesses and shortcomings. I have more than a lifetime of improvements to make. But I love who I am and I. Am. Enough. I feel happy and content and peaceful. I feel beautiful and worthy, and treat myself as such. I give the same level of attention to my physical, emotional and spiritual self-care as I would a new born baby, because I deserve it. I set healthy boundaries in my personal relationships and carefully  consider my responsibility in nurturing and strengthening them in a healthy manner.  I'm nowhere near perfect, but I am perfectly imperfect! I still have hard days. Trials and adversity are a running theme in my life, but I wouldn't trade the lessons or the blessings for all the money in the world. I sometimes fail at reaching my goals and fulfilling my dreams, but I never fail at getting back up and trying again. And that overwhelming feeling is mine again, at finally being reunited with my inner child. 

Life is a journey. Even with the bumps in the road and the setbacks, there can be joy in the journey if you take it with both eyes wide open! And heaven knows YOU DESERVE THE JOY!

I'm all in! Are you with me?