Don't Give Away Your Power!

We all walk around like a closed book, but everyone of us has a story...stories filled with terror, tragedy, betrayal or unfairness. And we all have scars. Some of our scars are physical and cannot be hidden. But some are emotional and cannot be seen. One may look to have survived life unscathed, appear to have it all together, seem to have everything going their way...but it would be foolish to believe such a thing...and the enticing trap of "my life has been ruined" lies deceitfully waiting as a tiger about to pounce on their prey, to destroy the one who chooses to hand over their power to overcome, to heal, to thrive and survive. Don't get me wrong. I'm not downplaying the horrendous effects of the harsh realities of life. But I have witnessed the power of grit and courage, in my personal life, and in the lives of others who have determined to change the outcome of their life story. It's never an easy thing, but choosing to be a survivor, to overcome, to learn lessons, to recognize blessings, to forgive, to become an advocate, to rise to the challenge, instills courage, enables growth, and leads to otherwise unforeseen opportunities to inspire and encourage, and make a difference in the lives of others. 

So how does one choose to be a survivor, to find grit and courage to rise above the cruel injustices of life? Here are some ideas that might be helpful:

• Recognize the perceived advantages of victim mentality: First: It feels good to get sympathy and attention from other people. However, eventually people grow tired of it and move on. Second: It protects you from risking rejection or failure, but traps you in a cycle of excuses, keeping you from taking any necessary action. Third: It allows you to avoid making any difficult decisions or choices, but ultimately keeps you from taking control of your own life. There is power to saying NO! to the victim mentality.
• Be OK with finding a new way to define yourself. Choosing not to focus on what's happened to you, the need for revenge or retribution, or on the unfairness of the hand life has dealt you empowers you to find courage, take risks, create your own happiness, find ways to serve and bless the lives of others.
• Take personal responsibility for your own life. Stop looking for someone or something to blame when things don't go the way you want them to, when you make a mistake, when life gets hard, or when you feel overwhelmed. Things happen. People judge. The words and actions of others are sometimes hurtful. The weather is unpredictable. Freak accidents come out of nowhere. Crime, death, illness, financial ruin, debilitating accidents, broken trust, ruined relationships, embarrassing incidents...they all happen. You are not alone. The world is not out to destroy you. 
• Express gratitude. Look at all of the people who DO love you, all of the things that ARE going right in your life. And remember there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse off than you do. Count your blessings. Name them ONE by ONE. There is power in a grateful heart.
• Choose forgiveness. It's not so much for the person who has harmed or deceived you, as for the peace you will feel in your heart if you choose to let go and move on. Forgiveness doesn't mean pretend like nothing happened and go be best friends with the one you're forgiving. You need boundaries. And you may need to remove yourself from their toxicity. "Turn the other cheek" sometimes means, turn and walk away. Don't let anger, malice, revenge, or contempt rule your life or steal your heart. Let go. And move on. It's no longer yours.
• Find someone to serve. The best and most effective healing comes when we reach outside of ourselves. Volunteer in your community, mow a neighbor's lawn, teach a child a new skill, participate in a cause...be the one who makes the difference.
• Cut yourself some slack. Some days will be easier than others. Cry the tears, talk about the hard stuff, deal with the emotions, and don't ignore the pain. Pain is a signal to your body and mind that something needs attention to promote healing. Pay attention. But don't draw unnecessary attention.

Healing is hard. Finding courage can much of the time prove to be a daunting task, but it far outweighs the benefits of drowning in self pity. Surround yourself with people who are strong, and encouraging, and determined to make the best they can with the life they've been given, and you will be filled with well deserved peace and joy, and a life very much worth living!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

You Can't Make Lemonade Out of Lions

You might as well have hit me in the face with a brick. That's how it felt when my PLAN B showed up unannounced, laughing and mocking like the bullies who tortured me in middle school. And my PLAN A? It hightailed it right out the backdoor like a wild animal, freed at last of being held against it's will. Life as I knew it was ripped away from me, and I was stripped naked of any shred of confidence in myself or my future. I was numb and cold at first; I couldn't think...didn't want to think, but soon found myself feeling as though I would drown in the tumultuous conglomeration of emotion that engulfed me, and my brain went crazy. Though it seemed humanly impossible, I could only see one direction to move in, only one answer to my "what now?" and it made me shudder. The thought of moving in that direction made me panic to the point that I couldn't function. Life hadn't handed me lemons...it had thrown me in the lion's den and I was terrified of being unable to defend myself.

With the passing of time, some thought and careful planning, and a LOT of professional help, I've come to terms with my PLAN B. It's nothing like PLAN A but I've acclimated to the "winds of change". My daily routine is much different. My goals and dreams for my future are more realistic. I've moved from the place I called "home" for 39 years, and I'm learning to "put myself out there" and connect with a host of "strangers". I regularly deal with feelings of uncertainty and loneliness, but put great trust in Heaven's ability to comfort and protect me in my vulnerability. Sometimes Many times I find myself mourning "what should have been", but more so, I am humbly grateful for blessings received and lessons learned. I am much more aware of my surroundings as there has been so much unfamiliar to become familiar with. I'm amazed at the kindness of the people I've met in my new community, and I find myself more willing to be "childlike" in my curiosity that leads me to small adventures. I like to think I'm a little more patient in the "waiting" life requires of me; time has become a precious commodity.

Here are some things that have helped me with this difficult transition:

• When life throws me a curve, it's best to step back and take a deep breath. I've learned to "be still" and evaluate how I'm going to respond.
• Remind myself that the fact that life has not gone as planned does not make me a failure. The "battle" may be lost, but the "war" isn't over! No matter how many times I get knocked down, I can ALWAYS choose to stand up and dust myself off.
• There are no excuses. It is what it is. I am where I am. There's no looking back with sadness and regret...just moving forward with courage in my heart and a smile on my face.
• I need to be open to new experiences and new opportunities. Holding onto regret and sadness about what should have been, or being afraid to reinvent life limits my ability to feel happiness.
• I must be gentle and kind with myself. No one should be more compassionate with me than I am. No trash talk, no withholding of love. I need to be my own best friend and my most capable and willing advocate.
• I must trust myself, my ability to know what's right for me; to make good choices, to provide well for my physical, emotional and spiritual needs.
• Life is a great adventure...especially when things don't go as planned! Hang on tight and try to enjoy the ride!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Lifeguard Won't Let Me In The Pool

Disappointment sucks! But you know what's worse? Being around people who think you need to be protected from it at all cost. You know...the ones that tiptoe around you, always telling you what you want to hear. Or the ones that won't voice their opinion because they don't want to hurt your feelings. They'll never tell you "no" even when it means they'll be inconvenienced, or deep down they're feeling put out because what they really prefer isn't even being considered as an option. They think they have your best interest in mind; but really they're being selfish and thinking only of themselves. Honestly. The truth of the matter is, they can't handle dealing with your disappointment so they shield themselves under the guise of protecting you. So, they're not taking responsibility for their own feelings while acting under the assumption that you aren't capable of being responsible for your own. Is this you? It used to be me. But not anymore.

I recently stumbled across this quote:

"Suppose a hundred airplane passengers are unexpectedly given parachutes and instructed to jump from the plane. If a physical situation alone could cause emotions, then all the hundred people would feel the same way. But, obviously those who regard skydiving positively are going to have a [reaction] very different from the others. - Michael Edelstein "Three Minute Therapy"

And I might add: Those who assume another person doesn't regard skydiving positively can either be helpful and encouraging OR cause some serious problems by either downplaying the situation or disregarding their own safety in the name of "protecting" someone who may or may not need protecting.

Disappointment is a part of life. Everyone experiences it and everyone needs to know how to deal with it. Watching someone else deal with it is hard and very uncomfortable, but we can't get in the way. Breaking the chick out of the egg rescues it from the struggle of getting out on its own, but it denies it the strength needed to survive the harsh realities of life.

So what can you do instead of shielding them?

• Let them wallow a bit. Disappointment is harsh. Let them take in the reality for a few minutes. This may make it easier for them to eventually take a deep breath and self soothe.
• Encourage a reality check. Is it really as bad as it seems? "Feelings are real and are important to recognize, but thoughts are not always the truth," says Psychotherapist Sarah Mandel, R.N., L.C.S.W.  When the initial upset is over, she says, "Try to look objectively at your problems to help separate fact from fiction and reduce negative self-talk." Be supportive and encouraging in this step of the process.
• Help them find ways to grow from it, to turn disappointment into grit and perseverance.
• Help them find ways to lower their stress level. Encourage them to go for a walk, meditate, listen to calming music, take a long warm shower, or watch something funny on TV.
• Be a positive influence. Listen but don't contribute to the negative feelings they may have. Help them process, but don't "fuel the fire".
• Encourage journaling. Sometimes writing about experiences and emotions helps reduce stress, relieve emotional pain, and put things into proper perspective.
• Remind them to count their blessings. It helps to cultivate feelings of gratitude for all that is "right in the world".
• Remind them to breathe. Breathing helps to increase feelings of well-being and peace, which leads to the process of "thinking" instead of "reacting".

Disappointment is real. But so is the potential for getting through it. No one is immune. Everyone who struggles WILL eventually come out of the other side...if you let them.

I'm all in! Are you with me?