Don't Give Away Your Power!

We all walk around like a closed book, but everyone of us has a story...stories filled with terror, tragedy, betrayal or unfairness. And we all have scars. Some of our scars are physical and cannot be hidden. But some are emotional and cannot be seen. One may look to have survived life unscathed, appear to have it all together, seem to have everything going their way...but it would be foolish to believe such a thing...and the enticing trap of "my life has been ruined" lies deceitfully waiting as a tiger about to pounce on their prey, to destroy the one who chooses to hand over their power to overcome, to heal, to thrive and survive. Don't get me wrong. I'm not downplaying the horrendous effects of the harsh realities of life. But I have witnessed the power of grit and courage, in my personal life, and in the lives of others who have determined to change the outcome of their life story. It's never an easy thing, but choosing to be a survivor, to overcome, to learn lessons, to recognize blessings, to forgive, to become an advocate, to rise to the challenge, instills courage, enables growth, and leads to otherwise unforeseen opportunities to inspire and encourage, and make a difference in the lives of others. 

So how does one choose to be a survivor, to find grit and courage to rise above the cruel injustices of life? Here are some ideas that might be helpful:

• Recognize the perceived advantages of victim mentality: First: It feels good to get sympathy and attention from other people. However, eventually people grow tired of it and move on. Second: It protects you from risking rejection or failure, but traps you in a cycle of excuses, keeping you from taking any necessary action. Third: It allows you to avoid making any difficult decisions or choices, but ultimately keeps you from taking control of your own life. There is power to saying NO! to the victim mentality.
• Be OK with finding a new way to define yourself. Choosing not to focus on what's happened to you, the need for revenge or retribution, or on the unfairness of the hand life has dealt you empowers you to find courage, take risks, create your own happiness, find ways to serve and bless the lives of others.
• Take personal responsibility for your own life. Stop looking for someone or something to blame when things don't go the way you want them to, when you make a mistake, when life gets hard, or when you feel overwhelmed. Things happen. People judge. The words and actions of others are sometimes hurtful. The weather is unpredictable. Freak accidents come out of nowhere. Crime, death, illness, financial ruin, debilitating accidents, broken trust, ruined relationships, embarrassing incidents...they all happen. You are not alone. The world is not out to destroy you. 
• Express gratitude. Look at all of the people who DO love you, all of the things that ARE going right in your life. And remember there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse off than you do. Count your blessings. Name them ONE by ONE. There is power in a grateful heart.
• Choose forgiveness. It's not so much for the person who has harmed or deceived you, as for the peace you will feel in your heart if you choose to let go and move on. Forgiveness doesn't mean pretend like nothing happened and go be best friends with the one you're forgiving. You need boundaries. And you may need to remove yourself from their toxicity. "Turn the other cheek" sometimes means, turn and walk away. Don't let anger, malice, revenge, or contempt rule your life or steal your heart. Let go. And move on. It's no longer yours.
• Find someone to serve. The best and most effective healing comes when we reach outside of ourselves. Volunteer in your community, mow a neighbor's lawn, teach a child a new skill, participate in a cause...be the one who makes the difference.
• Cut yourself some slack. Some days will be easier than others. Cry the tears, talk about the hard stuff, deal with the emotions, and don't ignore the pain. Pain is a signal to your body and mind that something needs attention to promote healing. Pay attention. But don't draw unnecessary attention.

Healing is hard. Finding courage can much of the time prove to be a daunting task, but it far outweighs the benefits of drowning in self pity. Surround yourself with people who are strong, and encouraging, and determined to make the best they can with the life they've been given, and you will be filled with well deserved peace and joy, and a life very much worth living!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Biggest Thief in Life

I remember like it was yesterday when my three oldest children were tiny. The days were long and hard and my kiddos required so much of my time and attention. I woke up early every morning and before my feet hit the floor, I was already strategizing my plan for surviving until nap time. That's all the further my brain could take me. There was no thought of cleaning or laundry or what to cook for dinner; just the agonizing anticipation of a nap, though the laundry and cleaning and dinner preparation all happened rather haphazardly. I heard often from more seasoned and experienced mothers that I should cherish this time in my life; they may as well have suggested finding joy in herding cats, or taking a swarm of bumble bees for a lovely day at the park. I couldn't figure out how to cherish meeting our $600 health insurance deductible in the month of January, the anxiety of being separated from a child who'd mysteriously wandered out of sight, being down with the stomach flu while my littles ran through the house like a tornado, the sudden full blown tantrums in the grocery store, or the 300,000,000 sleepless nights sitting up with one who refused to go to sleep.

Of course some days were easier than others. There were moments of giggles and laughter, squeals of joy at the anticipation of a play date, time well spent settling in with a favorite movie and treat, and scores of birthdays and holidays well celebrated. But these were not the norm...they were merely the moments that made the mostly difficult reality a little more bearable. I longed for the day when my children would be more self reliant, less needy and demanding. But I soon realized with older children came a whole different set of worries, concerns and demands...and certainly no less physical or emotional exhaustion.

Why is it  we lust for future comfort, for the next chapter in our lives? I think it's too easy to jump into anticipation of what's to come; sometimes that's to prepare, to set goals, to have something to look forward to, but my experience tells me much of the time it's looking forward to being done with my unfavorable miserable circumstances, moving on to something much more desirable, the reality  of my future I've observed with my rose colored glasses. But life throws wrench after stupid wrench in the plans I have for my "perfect" life. And if I'm not careful I get caught in the tangled web of "my life sucks" and "everyone has it better than me!" 

So how does one learn to find joy in the moment? Let me share a few things I've learned:

1. Adopt a mantra. Sounds corny? You really should give it a try. Find a quote or saying that really speaks to you then put it on your mirror, or hang it on the wall by your bed. Say it OUT LOUD at least 10 times a day and it will eventually become a part of your thought process. Here are a couple of my favorites: "Come what may and love it!" and "Embrace the suck!" My cousin recently shared that last one with me. (Thanks Angela!)
2. Slip into the "end zone".  Shut your mind down. Just for a few minutes quit thinking about your present circumstances, or worrying about the future. Turn it off. Let it rest. You'll be amazed at the difference that reset makes. No, your problems won't disappear. Your "stuff" will still have to be dealt with. But it WILL make a difference, at least temporarily, in your ability to find some peace.
3. Lighten up. Look for something to smile or laugh about. When my son was 3, and learning to dress himself, he came to me one morning super excited about his shirt. "Is my shirt on backwards?" he asked with a twinkle in his eyes. "Nope" was all I replied. And with that he jumped into the air and clapped his little hands "I did it!", he exclaimed with great enthusiasm. "It's wards!" "It's what?" I asked feeling a little confused. "It's wards! It's not backwards! It's wards!!" That made me laugh right out loud and his enthusiasm for what I saw to be such a little thing impacted the rest of my morning. Try it. It's amazing what a little laughter can do.
4. Lie down and "melt like butter". Seriously, close your eyes and start at the top of your head. Imagine every part of you in turn, melting like butter. This is something I used with my children when they had a stomachache or a headache. It worked like magic to get the pain under control and they  were better able to rest.
5. Get up and move! Just 5 minutes is all it takes. Just a little walk down the street or around your office or around your house if that's all you can manage. Movement helps the blood to flow and aids in clearing your mind and heart of stress or emotional distress. Get that blood pumping and you'll begin to feel a little better.
6. Express gratitude. I know it probably sounds a little trite. But have you tried it lately? Write a thank you note. Send a text. Make a phone call. I'm sure there's someone who's graced your day with kindness. Make a list of blessings, of all the things that are going right in your life. Make a list of all the people you love and appreciate. It's a "love lift" for your heart. "It's not happy people who are grateful, it's grateful people who are happy." I have no idea who said that, but I really like it!
7. Practice awareness. Have you noticed the sun come out behind the clouds? Noticed the simple beauty of a field of flowers? Felt the rain on your face? Noticed how warm your heart feels when someone gives you a hug or holds your hand? Have you listened to the laughter of the neighborhood children or taken time to take in the scent of your favorite lotion or your spouse's cologne or perfume? How about savoring that luscious bite of ice cream or the crazy yummy taste of that slice of homemade bread? Tune in. Engage ALL of your senses. Be completely aware of your surroundings and what's going on around you. And while you're at it...breathe long and deep.
8. Listen. All around you there are people who are worse off than you are. You hear it on the news, see it all over social media, probably have some friends or neighbors going through a pretty difficult challenge. Let your heart feel that compassion. If it's someone close, express your love and desire for their circumstances to improve. Find someone to pray for. Prayer is healing not only for the one needing the healing, but also for the one doing the praying.
9. Spend time with your pet. Animals have a way of providing comfort and peace. They are quick to curl up in your lap and their love is unconditional. They just love you because you are. If you have a pet, let them spoil you with love and attention. It's as good for them as it is for you. 
10. Do something nice for yourself. Nope, that's not selfish. It's called excellent self-care. Take time out for a bubble bath, a warm shower, a good book, a long walk, a piece of chocolate, a favorite movie, time with a friend, a hobby...anything you like and appreciate. Don't let yourself get lost in the crowd. When everyone else comes first, you don't "come at all". You're never last. You'e just forgotten...sitting on the shelf of life waiting for attention. If you don't give it, no one else will. It's not anyone else's responsibility. Try it. Every day. Your heart, your mind, your family, your coworkers and your inner child will thank you!

Looking forward in anticipation of the next phase, the better circumstance, the easier times, truly is the biggest thief in life. Don't let anticipation steal your happiness or well-being. There is always something to smile about. 

Find it!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Thank Heaven For Tuesday

Last week I had an important event to attend. I got up early enough to allow plenty of time to get ready because I really wanted to look and feel my very best. I took an extra long hot shower, then carefully applied lotion to my then well hydrated skin. I conditioned my hair and purposefully enhanced it's natural wave, giving a little more body to my thin silver highlighted locks. I carefully applied my makeup, and took extra time to consider the clothes I would wear. It all came together perfectly, and with plenty of time to spare.

Breakfast for me every morning is a protein shake...one cup of almond milk or juice from select vegetables run through my juicer, six ice cubes, some flax seed, a little dark cocoa, and a scoop of my favorite protein powder. On this particular day, as I prepared to mix the ingredients in the blender, something fell out of the cupboard above and sent the container crashing to the floor...after it splashed all down the front of my perfectly put together attire.

Deep sigh. 

Some days are like that. Dealing with sick children, unmet deadlines at the office, traffic jams, insufficient funds in the bank account, fender benders, missed appointments, disagreements with a significant other, ruined meals, disappointing news...a single occurrence or multiple happenings in a day, can sometimes make you wish you'd stayed in bed and pulled the covers over your head.

And sometimes LIFE is like that...for weeks or months or years at a stretch! 

The good news is...Monday is followed by Tuesday, the weekend/days off come at the end of a long exhausting week, spring is a welcome sight after a long dark winter, a night of rest/sleep comes at the end of the day...there's always a new chance, a fresh start, a welcome do-over.

Here are some things to ponder and consider:

• DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN "PERFECTION": Just do your best and internalize the fact that your "10" is good enough. Roll with the punches, work your way around the boulders, move ahead slow and steady. Progress is progress!
• GET GROUNDED: Try to think rationally. Don't let other people tell you how to live your life. "Delete" and "backspace" exist for a reason. There isn't a shortage of erasers. You have the right to change your mind or your course. You alone are the author of your story.
• CELEBRATE THE SMALL VICTORIES: Every day you're going to have wins and losses. Focus on what went right and let the rest go.
• CHANGE UP YOUR ROUTINE: Take a different route, do things in a different order, stop doing what doesn't work, replace the "people pleasing" behaviors, be spontaneous, stop the madness!
• STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE: Make a move, take a risk, do something scary, be a little unpredictable!
• DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF: Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break. Pat yourself on the back. Be your own best cheerleader!
• FOCUS ON YOUR PASSION: Do what you love...and love what you do!
• BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF: Success, healing, change...they all take time...and a lot of patience. Begin where you are and take one step, one day, one experience at a time. The rest will follow.
• TRUST YOUR GUT: God gave us instincts for a reason. Use them.
• DON'T MAKE EXCUSES: If it's important to you...you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse. Ultimately it's all up to you.

Most importantly, remember you are NOT alone! Being human is a challenge. We are all in this together. Take life one day at a time and be grateful for the good and the joy and the blessings! The rest is water under the bridge.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

There's a Reason Eggnog Isn't Available All Year

Christmas of my 8th grade year was one I will always remember. My dad was an archery enthusiast. He had all kinds of bows, he designed his own arrows, and he got the whole family involved with target practice. My younger sister was especially thrilled with the idea of someday having her very own bow, as there were 5 kids in our family still living at home to share with. 

That year, a tall, somewhat narrow, but not very deep box with this particular sister's name on it stood propped against some larger presents under the Christmas tree, boldly calling upon the growing, wild curiosity I struggled to ignore. I wanted desperately to know what was in that box, so I relentlessly pestered my dad...until he JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

"I'll tell you", he said in a voice of exasperation. "But you must promise to keep it to yourself."

"Oh I will!!", I said with a little more enthusiasm than I should have.

"It's a little ironing board. But don't tell."

It's a what? I said this quietly to myself because, well you know, it must have taken some "ingenious creativity" to come up with that one (can you hear my sarcasm?)...and I was secretly relieved it didn't have MY name on it.

"It's an archery bow!" I ran immediately to tell said sister in an attempt to get her really excited for nothing. "But don't tell anyone I told you."

I'd kept my promise to my dad, and  accomplished my goal of lighting the fire of anticipation in my gullible younger sister. Sadly, she was to be miserably disappointed, but we'd cross that bridge when we got to it.

Well, heaven must have been smiling down on me, because Christmas morning eventually arrived; and inside that magical box, was the bow my sister had been dreaming of! (My dad was a bit wiser than my 13 year old self gave him credit for).

I'm a sucker for anticipation! I love the days and weeks leading up to Christmas, my birthday, or a long awaited vacation. When my children were little, they were eager, as most children are, for holidays, the beginning of summer break, birthday parties and long awaited and carefully planned events. But I always found myself telling them..."Don't wish the time away! The thing you are looking forward to will come and just like that (snapping my fingers) it will be done and over with! Enjoy the anticipation!"

It seems that in our world of instant gratification, there isn't so much appreciation for looking forward to something, being giddy with excitement, feeling your heart beat a little faster as you wait for something wonderful to take place. But there are actually some really great benefits to anticipation: 

Stacey Kaiser, an editor of Live Happy magazine and a licensed psychotherapist says, "Anticipation alerts all of the pleasure centers in the body and says wake up, which can create happy feelings." Looking forward to something causes our brains to release hormones along the brain's reward system pathway.

So sometimes we have to intentionally create and prepare for anticipation. Here are a few things I've found helpful: 

1. DELAY GRATIFICATION: This doesn't come naturally in our culture of credit card purchases and express shipping of instant internet purchases. It's not always wise to purchase something in the spur of the moment, and receiving it immediately kills the anticipation and the joy felt when it eventually is received. I recently chose to wait with great anticipation for nearly a week for something I wanted "yesterday". The joy I felt when I finally received it was indescribable! 
2. PLAN SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO: Details for holiday celebrations, birthdays, vacations, events can all be prepared in advance. It doesn't need to be extravagant to be meaningful. When my children were young we made paper chains to "count down the days until...", planned ahead for summertime outings (trips to the public library, swimming, time with friends, picnics, day trips etc), and saved money by filling the piggy bank with spare change for "special treats". Now that they're adults, we still plan ahead and anticipate time and meaningful activities together. 
3. PRACTICE PATIENCE: Get comfortable with sitting in traffic, waiting at the Dr's office, standing in the check out line, receiving those long awaited test scores, hearing back from the contractor...and teach children to do the same. Patience is a precious commodity.

Anticipation is a lost art. It requires practice. It builds character. It creates a sense of happiness and joy and contentment.

I'm all in! Are you with me? 

Sometimes You Just Have To!

Laughter truly is the best medicine! A giggle is wonderful, but there's nothing like a really good belly laugh...the kind that has you doubling over and begging for the "funny business" to stop for just a minute so you can catch your breath and let your abdominal muscles rest. And have you noticed, when you're all done laughing, you feel SO different:

• Like a weight has been lifted. For just a brief moment the stress is gone. Muscles in your neck and back are relaxed. No tension headache. Breathing is easier. Maybe you can't quit smiling because the happiness has just exploded into every fiber of your being. You can't help but sit back and close your eyes and soak it all in like a deep breath of fresh mountain air.
• It's nearly impossible to feel angry or sad or disappointed when you've been laughing. I've had occasion when I've felt sadness because of a loss, and suddenly been reminded of a funny or pleasant memory and I can't help but smile and giggle or laugh (even though tears have been flooding my face) and the sadness just disappears. It's a welcome relief like that of no other.
• Relationships thrive on laughter. Some of my best moments are random belly busting bursts of laughter with my children. They're all grown up now, but we still get together and love sharing a good laugh. It connects us in ways that nothing else can; less conflict, more love, and memories we will hold on to forever.
• Laughter helps me adjust my focus and shift my perspective. It allows me to take a deep breath and look at things more realistically. It allows a reprieve when stress becomes unbearable, and helps me remember "this too shall be a memory". 

And there are health benefits as well: Lower blood pressure, release of cortisol and adrenaline (endorphins that promote an overall sense of well-being and act as natural painkillers), boot of T-cells in the immune system, protection of cardiac health by improving the function of blood vessels, and it's a good work out for your abdominal muscles, diaphragm, and respiratory system!

"If you wish to glimpse inside a human soul and get to know the man, don't bother analyzing his ways of being silent, of talking, o weeping, or seeing how much he is moved by noble ideas; you'll get better results if you just watch him laugh. If he laughs well, he's a good man...All I claim to know is that laughter is the most reliable gauge of human nature." - Feodor Dostoyevsky

Choose to embrace the laughter and feel the joy!

I'm all in! are you with me?