F.E.A.R.

I haven't posted in awhile. There's been far too much drama trying to creep into my life and I'm exhausted from fighting to keep it out. I'm much too old and much too focused on making the best of my remaining time here to get wrapped up in such crap. There is absolutely no room for selfish words, toxic behavior, or ulterior motives in my life. I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to learn better ways and protect my own personal sense of well-being on every level.

This past week has been difficult as the 7th anniversary of a traumatizing and life changing event came calling like an unavoidable guest sitting on the front porch of my soul. My husband of then 26 years attempted suicide in a brutally horrific manner, losing nearly 1/2 of his blood in the process and ultimately failing in his attempt. It's painful for my heart and mind to relive the ordeal, but so healing emotionally to see just how far I've come in those 7 years. I seriously doubt the shock and pain will ever go away, but they do seem to have decreased in intensity with time, for which I am most grateful. I've done SO much hard work emotionally, in therapy and on my own. But, ultimately the progress has come due to the passing of time and the love and patience of my Father in Heaven as He's taught me how to shift my mindset, learn how to move forward, and accept the responsibility I have to forgive. Forgiving is a process, but I'm profoundly aware that it's more for my good than for the good of those I am asked to forgive.

Yesterday was my day to celebrate the "new" me with my #noFEAR theme...Forget Everything And Remember...remember who I am, where I've come from, the grace of God that has lead me to where I am today, and how incredibly thankful I am for the journey. My eldest daughter joins me in this day long event each year; amazingly, it was her idea to start this tradition 3 years ago and it has been one we will continue to treasure together. The day is always started with breakfast at a favorite restaurant where we enjoy an unhurried meal and an opportunity to revisit the "event", talk through the pain, and celebrate our victories in overcoming and healing through the past year. She is a wise soul and I cherish the fact that we have become dear forever friends. After breakfast, we find meaningful ways to spend our time reminiscing, and planning how we will move forward in the coming year. Her insight and perspective are amazing and I always leave at the end of the day wishing it would never end.

While there are individuals I've shared my story with, for the most part it's a secret I've kept to myself. Shame, and the guilt of disclosing the details of someone else's story have prevented me from going public. But, it's a part of me, a chapter in the story of MY life, and MINE to learn and heal from, as well as an opportunity to open my heart and offer true empathy and compassion to those who may have similar experience. Oh how I wish I'd had someone to turn to in the midst of my mess, someone who knew exactly what I was feeling, what I was thinking, how fear and anger, and confusion and guilt and shame swallowed me whole and threatened to ultimately destroy me. My life would have been blessed to know someone else who had survived it and come out with hope and healing and faith and courage on the other side.

Now that I'm on the other side, I'm humbled and grateful to know I can potentially be that person for someone else. And today, the burden and heaviness of secrecy is lifted as I openly share here. I am free. I am healing. And I am grateful for all I've learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life. I have a deep scar that will never go away, but I wear it without shame. It's a beautiful reminder of my strength, my courage, and the continued growth of my inner child toward the  beautiful, capable, and amazing woman she is becoming, and having so much to offer in the legacy I can now leave for those who come after me. And thanks be to God for His amazing love and patience, and for His grace He so willingly extends to me, a daughter He so valiantly fights for.

As my "new" year begins, I feel hopeful and renewed. I am becoming more and more appreciative of the good that comes from the difficult trials I experience in life. I am gaining courage and confidence in my ability to conquer and overcome the boulders of adversity that sometimes overwhelm me with setbacks and discouragement. And I'm ready to again move forward without delay.

I'm all in my friend! Are you with me?

When You Step Up to the Door...and It Closes and Locks Right In Front of You

Blindside. Holy cow. I couldn't prevent it. I couldn't prepare for it. And...I barely have the strength to recover from it. It flipped my world upside down and backwards, and wreaked havoc with my heart and mind, sneaking in with such stealth that I couldn't anticipate the force of its awful blow.

I can barely function. It feels like the emotional equivalent of a severe stomach flu. I feel like I'm glued to my mattress when I first open my eyes to the bright sunlight pouring through my window in the early morning hours. And I resist the idea of going to bed at night until I can barely hold myself upright, because I don't want to have to get up again in the morning. My thoughts weigh heavy on my depression saturated brain. Surges of intense sadness savagely overwhelm me, and sudden bursts of tears, as if on cue, race down my cheeks and drip all over my freshly washed clothes.

I am a mess. Instinctively I want to be left alone. But the intensity of the loneliness inside me is insane. I'm so weary mentally and emotionally, and physically, that I can't think or not think. I know that's so contradictory. But it's the truth. I can't keep my mind in the present moment. But I can't stop thinking about what happened. There are a million things I should be doing, but I can't make sense of any order or priority.

Time is critical, but it passes in an uneven cadence. Sometimes minutes seem like days, and days seem like minutes. I find I must dig deep and be motivated to keep going because life changing decisions are staring me in the face. When I look ahead, I'm filled with a sense of urgency, but I long for the day of peaceful realization that everything has fallen into place with life settled into a predictable pattern of familiarity. I want full disclosure of the outcome, but dread the process that will eventually lead me there. I am filled with anxiety; I can't afford to do nothing, as that will lead to even more stress and overwhelm in the coming weeks. And no one else shares in the responsibility of making those decisions. I stand completely alone. I have no one to blame if I sink, or if I swim.

I hate doing this by myself. It's an overwhelming thing to shoulder the future alone. Unlike the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books my children used to read, determining which page to turn to next in this chapter of my life leaves me feeling a little very apprehensive; one wrong turn and I may get caught in the unintentional demolition of my carefully thought out plans. One more drastic plot twist just doesn't work for me at this point.

So every day I choose to get out of my bed. I choose to kneel in prayer to petition God for strength, and guidance, and peace. I choose to shower and get dressed, put on my makeup and fix my hair. I choose to go for a walk so I can clear my head for just a few minutes to focus and prioritize, and plan how to best manage my time. I choose to sit with my emotions instead of stuffing them down into the bottomless pit of hopelessness and despair. I choose to avoid the temptation to waste time scrolling on social media, or mindlessly binging on Netflix drama. I choose to eat well and avoid junk food. I choose to keep myself hydrated. And I choose to believe someday I will look back and see the beautiful lessons and blessings that will surely come from this gut wrenching experience.

It's hard. And it's exhausting on every level. But I'm pushing through. And eventually I'm going to be okay. I don't know how this mess is going to turn out. But one day, one choice, one action at a time will somehow eventually make it very clear.

I'm all in. Are you with me?

Stop Feeding Yourself That Crap!

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of "being" a lot of things when I grew up. The list changed frequently as I was introduced to new and amazing thoughts about what I could actually be when I became a grown up...a nurse, an organist, an astronaut, a mom of at least a dozen children, an artist for Disney Studios. Of course, when you're a little tyke the time between birthdays passes about as quickly as a slug moving through a mess of thick dark slimy mud; thus the thought of actually reaching the long anticipated status of adult was well beyond my comprehension. But I day dreamed about it frequently anyway.

About the time I hit 9th grade and started high school, my fascination with adulthood and all of it's dreamy possibilities was replaced with a panic that knew no boundaries. I'd been through some pretty harsh life experiences by then and had become a shy, withdrawn, shadow of the optimistic child I had once been. Graduation came much more quickly than those birthdays I had once longed for, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and surrender to the fear and dread that filled my lonely confused heart and mind.

The next 7 years were spent trying to prove (mostly to myself) that I was lovable...or at least likable. I went out of my way to try and be "the life of the party". Not really partying...but more or less vying for the popularity and acceptance I had seen bestowed upon others in the past as I watched silently from afar. I wasn't big headed, or full of myself...I just wanted desperately to feel like more than the worthless sorry excuse for a human being that I felt like. So, I faked my way out of my loneliness. I worked hard at making friends, appearing to be happy with my life, and creating an atmosphere of fun and laughter. I watched a lot of my friends leave for college as I settled for a few semesters at the local community college. I had no idea what I wanted to study...I just went for the sake of being able to say I was doing something with my life. I had some serious crushes, but dated only once in a blue moon. I held down a few different minimum wage jobs, but they were all dead ends as far as being able to find my place in the work force. At one point I quit my job and moved out of state, hoping a change in scenery would solve my problems and offer solutions of hopeful progress and direction in life. But after 6 months, I went "home" and took up where I left off. By this time many of my friends were marrying and starting families and I was back to looking for new people to spend time with.

Eventually I married. I continued working part-time until our first child was born 15 months later. Fast forward 26 years, 3 more children, a lot of heartache and unhappiness in my own personal life, and finally a trauma that "blew the house down". I was 51 years old...and had nothing to show for it. I had failed that little girl who once dreamed so big and so boldly. Or so I thought.

Today nearly 6 years later, I've worked my butt off to become who I am today. I'm still not a nurse, an organist (although I've taught myself some piano and guitar skills!), an astronaut, a mom to a dozen children (but I have 4 kiddos that I love and adore!), or an artist for Disney Studios (however, I've taught myself some pretty amazing artistic skills!)...but I've awakened once more that ability to dream big and bold! My dreams and goals are not quite so ambitious, but I do believe I can accomplish ANYTHING I put my mind to...and I've opened my mind to move past the barriers and limitations I'd placed on myself in my "pre-trauma" life. Yes, sadly it was the trauma that changed everything for me. I'd been shattered, and "stripped" of everything...including my self-inflicted limitations.

So why did I...why do any of us...put limitations on ourselves?

• We've landed in a "failure" mindset: When we fall down a few times it's much harder to get back up again. It's too easy to succumb to mental or maybe even physical exhaustion. I've found for myself this is especially true when I'm not taking care of my most basic needs. I let myself slide because I'm in the habit and mindset of putting everyone else first. And pretty soon I'm not even last on the list. I'm not on the list at all. I can't do it. It's not working. I quit. I'm too tired to stand up again.
• Fear gets the best of us: That could be fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of new and different or unfamiliar, fear of failing, or even fear of success (Yep. It's real. I've been there). Fear leads to procrastination or avoidance, which ultimately leads to nothing nowhere.
• We have limiting beliefs about ourselves: I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, good enough, worthy enough...you can insert ANY word in there to make it work for you (translation: to make it not work for you). I am not ___________ enough. This is completely destructive to reaching goals or making dreams a reality...but only YOU can change it.
• We lack hope and/or belief in ourselves and our capabilities: Sometimes we AREN'T enough for what we would like to accomplish, but that shouldn't stop us from educating ourselves, acquiring sufficient information or experience, or trying to learn a new skill. I'm discovering for myself...you are never too old to make life happen. If you can dream it, you can learn it and do it!
• We forget our "why": You know, that reason deep down inside of you that pushes and encourages and drives you. That's your why. It's why you wake up, why you go to your job, why you take care of your family, why you keep going when you feel the urge to quit. If you've lost you why, do some digging. It's there. It just needs to be rediscovered and reignited. It doesn't matter how long it's been. If you look hard enough you'll discover it's there; it never went away.

Life is too short to live in regret. Let the past be the past. Wake up to the reality of your present, and choose to have a huge say in your future! It's yours. It doesn't belong to anyone else. You alone are responsible for your happiness, the realization of your dreams, and what you make of your life. Live fully. Dream big. And die happy knowing you lived happy and loved fiercely. Don't waste your time on toxic people and avoid drama like the plague. These are my new rules for life!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Suck It Up Or Dance In It...You Choose

I've had the life sucked out of me. Again. It's so hard to hold my head up and go through my daily routine. My body feels weak and shaky. I have no energy. There are things I feel I MUST tend to, but it takes so little to wear me out and send me to my bed for rest. The hours between the early morning light that drifts through my window each morning, and the time that twilight finally settles in, seem endless. I have no energy for small talk, for problem solving, for planning, for little more than opening my eyes to face yet another day. I feel sad and angry, and hurt and disappointed, and a loneliness that is much more encompassing than I've ever experienced before. Fear and hopelessness and darkness hover over me, but I'm not willing to let them take up residence in my head. I see what they are capable of; I will not allow myself to fall victim to their destructive ways. I've witnessed others mindlessly drift to the point of no return; I'm not even willing to take the first step on that path. I get depression. It surrounds me on every side, and threatens to suffocate me. But I will give it zero opportunity to destroy me...not even second hand.

I know you probably think I'm full of myself. How dare I think I'm so invincible and powerful. Think what you may. But the truth is it's a choice. Really. I can choose to dwell on my problems, my sucky life, my traumatic experiences, the unfairness of my circumstances, my sadness and loneliness, my health issues,  the way I'm treated by others, and all the other crap that gets relentlessly flung at me. Or I can take responsibility for how I handle what comes my way. 

Reality check: The universe has nothing against me. God is not punishing me. I am not undeserving of being treated with kindness and respect. I am not a worthless pile of crap that somehow mistakenly ended up where I'm at physically OR emotionally in my life. I haven't been dealt a lousy hand. Bad things happen to bad people...and good people. I am not exempt from pain, tragedy, disappointment, health crises, financial ruin, bad luck, or misfortune of any kind. Sometimes Much of the time, life sucks. But I CHOOSE whether or not to cope, how to cope, and how long to cope. I choose whether to be humble and reachable, or pridefully surround myself with an impenetrable wall and suffer silently, or shamelessly loud enough for everyone to witness. And NO ONE can take that choice away from me.

If you're looking for a perfect life you're in for a severe disappointment. Give it up. Change your expectation. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself:

• Get outside of yourself. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than you. And there is NO exception to that rule. Look for them and do something to lighten their burden. You can't take their crap away, but you can add a little sunshine.
• Count your blessings. There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Look for it until you find it. Write it down and put it where you can be reminded of it EVERY single day.
• Take a break from social media. Everyone's life is falsely portrayed (intentional or not) to be much better than yours is. Don't fall into that trap. We ALL have crap.
• Set a goal to change something about you or about your life that you CAN change. Learn to take the rest in stride and move on.
• Reach out for support. Friends, family, church clergy, neighbors...let them into your circle and try letting at least one of them into your heart.
• Change up your routine. Sometimes doing just one thing differently makes all the difference in your attitude and helps give you a fresh perspective.

Life is tough. But you don't have to let it destroy you.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Don't Give Away Your Power!

We all walk around like a closed book, but everyone of us has a story...stories filled with terror, tragedy, betrayal or unfairness. And we all have scars. Some of our scars are physical and cannot be hidden. But some are emotional and cannot be seen. One may look to have survived life unscathed, appear to have it all together, seem to have everything going their way...but it would be foolish to believe such a thing...and the enticing trap of "my life has been ruined" lies deceitfully waiting as a tiger about to pounce on their prey, to destroy the one who chooses to hand over their power to overcome, to heal, to thrive and survive. Don't get me wrong. I'm not downplaying the horrendous effects of the harsh realities of life. But I have witnessed the power of grit and courage, in my personal life, and in the lives of others who have determined to change the outcome of their life story. It's never an easy thing, but choosing to be a survivor, to overcome, to learn lessons, to recognize blessings, to forgive, to become an advocate, to rise to the challenge, instills courage, enables growth, and leads to otherwise unforeseen opportunities to inspire and encourage, and make a difference in the lives of others. 

So how does one choose to be a survivor, to find grit and courage to rise above the cruel injustices of life? Here are some ideas that might be helpful:

• Recognize the perceived advantages of victim mentality: First: It feels good to get sympathy and attention from other people. However, eventually people grow tired of it and move on. Second: It protects you from risking rejection or failure, but traps you in a cycle of excuses, keeping you from taking any necessary action. Third: It allows you to avoid making any difficult decisions or choices, but ultimately keeps you from taking control of your own life. There is power to saying NO! to the victim mentality.
• Be OK with finding a new way to define yourself. Choosing not to focus on what's happened to you, the need for revenge or retribution, or on the unfairness of the hand life has dealt you empowers you to find courage, take risks, create your own happiness, find ways to serve and bless the lives of others.
• Take personal responsibility for your own life. Stop looking for someone or something to blame when things don't go the way you want them to, when you make a mistake, when life gets hard, or when you feel overwhelmed. Things happen. People judge. The words and actions of others are sometimes hurtful. The weather is unpredictable. Freak accidents come out of nowhere. Crime, death, illness, financial ruin, debilitating accidents, broken trust, ruined relationships, embarrassing incidents...they all happen. You are not alone. The world is not out to destroy you. 
• Express gratitude. Look at all of the people who DO love you, all of the things that ARE going right in your life. And remember there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse off than you do. Count your blessings. Name them ONE by ONE. There is power in a grateful heart.
• Choose forgiveness. It's not so much for the person who has harmed or deceived you, as for the peace you will feel in your heart if you choose to let go and move on. Forgiveness doesn't mean pretend like nothing happened and go be best friends with the one you're forgiving. You need boundaries. And you may need to remove yourself from their toxicity. "Turn the other cheek" sometimes means, turn and walk away. Don't let anger, malice, revenge, or contempt rule your life or steal your heart. Let go. And move on. It's no longer yours.
• Find someone to serve. The best and most effective healing comes when we reach outside of ourselves. Volunteer in your community, mow a neighbor's lawn, teach a child a new skill, participate in a cause...be the one who makes the difference.
• Cut yourself some slack. Some days will be easier than others. Cry the tears, talk about the hard stuff, deal with the emotions, and don't ignore the pain. Pain is a signal to your body and mind that something needs attention to promote healing. Pay attention. But don't draw unnecessary attention.

Healing is hard. Finding courage can much of the time prove to be a daunting task, but it far outweighs the benefits of drowning in self pity. Surround yourself with people who are strong, and encouraging, and determined to make the best they can with the life they've been given, and you will be filled with well deserved peace and joy, and a life very much worth living!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Raw and Real

A brutally honest journal entry:

Life sucks. It's harsh and unfair and I feel like my head might just explode. My heart aches with a pain no one should have to deal with. My stomach is churning and my brain is foggy. I hate going to bed at night because I dread getting up in the morning. I'm so angry and frustrated and disappointed. Fear is my constant companion. I feel lonely and isolated. It's exhausting to try to get to know new people and it causes so much anxiety I feel like throwing up. I want so much to run back to the place I called home for 39 years, to throw myself at the feet of those I called friends, and yet I have so much crap on my plate I don't think I could keep from drowning them with my tears. There would be no conversation. My family relationships, both in my family of origin and with my husband and children, are a shattered mess. There is avoidance, finger pointing, broken trust, depression and anxiety, rebellion, and even estrangement. I'm working so hard on my personal issues, trying to step up my game, and trying (but failing miserably) to be strong and hopeful and encouraging. I'm trapped in emotional quicksand and it feels as though I'm about to go under.

But I will not give up...

• Because I know God is with me. I talk to him every day. He listens, and for just a few minutes while we talk, he wraps me in a warm blanket of peace. He doesn't take away the pain or the fear or the disappointment or the anger, but gently reminds me that I'm never alone and replenishes my courage and strength. He is my refuge from the raging storms in my life. He allows me to talk to him anytime, for as long as I want, as many times a day as I deem necessary. He is never too busy. I am his top priority at any given moment.
• Because I am a valid valuable human being deserving of love and happiness.
• Because I know "this too shall be a memory" as there are better brighter days to come...eventually. And I will wait patiently while trying to see the lessons and the blessings in my current circumstances.
• Because I understand this isn't all about me. This isn't just my story. My loved ones are also hurting and probably feeling an enormous amount of pain, fear, disappointment, and anger. Even though we are each immeasurably broken, we are all "in this together".

So for today, and tomorrow, and for every day for the remainder of time I have to deal with this crappy overwhelming mess, I will embrace the suck. I will keep moving. I will continue reaching up and digging deep. I will allow myself to mourn what should have been,  and take a break from life when I feel myself begin to crumble under the heaviness of it all, taking great strides to make sure my needs are met on every level. I will strive to act and react with  kindness and patience, but take a time out when I find it necessary to replenish those commodities. I will create my own happiness, and try to spread a little sunshine wherever I go. And when the crashing waves of trial and heartache finally recede for a time, I will cherish the opportunity to breathe deeply, then exhale a long sigh of relief, and heartfelt gratitude, for the simple profound truth that life has not destroyed me.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

What's Your Why?

A few weeks ago, I sat down to do some work on my laptop and soon after saw a "low power" message pop up on the screen. I stopped and quickly proceeded to plug the cord first into the jack, with the other end plugged firmly into the nearest electrical outlet. I was set to continue with my project. I was making great progress until, about 15 minutes later, it just shut down without any warning. "WHAT IS GOING ON??!!", I said out loud in exasperation. Only months before I spent a small fortune to purchase this laptop as the one I'd had previously just up and quit on me and could not be salvaged. Checking that the cord was still plugged securely into the jack, I was puzzled...until I looked over and realized it had been pulled from the socket in the wall. I had stretched the cord a little too far, eventually causing a a disconnect from the source it relied on for power. It could only sustain itself for a short period before it shut down, having become completely useless.

Just as I overstretched the power cord, I used to stretch myself too thin. I said yes to everyone and everything. I wasn't just last on the list. Most days I wasn't even on the list. I was so tired physically, emotionally and spiritually my needs were not being met. My dreams got shoved into a dark hole so I wouldn't have to feel guilty about not making them become a reality. I was known as "so and so's sister, mother, or daughter" but I'd lost my own identity. Beyond mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend...I was lost and I felt so empty.

So what's changed? I "crashed and burned" on every level. I literally had nothing more to give...not even to myself. Out of desperation, and with excruciating effort, I began making small changes. Now 5 years later, I matter. I'm not just on the list...I'm at the top of the list. I'm no longer functioning in auto pilot. I get out of bed every day with purpose, with a reason for being, with a fire in my belly that motivates me to be, to inspire, to make a difference in my own little corner of the world! I've "plugged in" to my sources of power that give me strength and energy, and motivation and encouragement:

• I pay attention to what I put in my body: No, every meal isn't perfect, nor is every day ideal, but I make a conscious effort to be more aware of what I eat. More fruits and vegetables, less sugar and fat, less junk food, more water. I'm not aiming to be skinny, but I am aiming to be a healthier version of me. This one little decision has led to some pretty amazing changes in my health...issues that have caused me a lot of anxiety and discomfort over decades. 
• I exercise: Just 20-30 minutes 3-5 times a week. Any thing will do. Nothing fancy. Nothing hard. Nothing strenuous. Sometimes I'm by myself. Sometimes I'm with a friend. 
• I read/listen to books on personal development: These inspire me, help me to see areas of my life in which I can make adjustments and improvements. I'm seeking to be the best I can be, looking to contribute in some small way to the human race. Some of these books are simply motivational, written by people who have become successful in life in one way or another. Others are stories of real people who have overcome adversity, used their challenges to aspire to become something no one believed they could become, or learned to fine tune their self-discipline to  help them reach a goal or make a dream come true. They created a purpose, found their "why" they were put on the planet and worked hard to put it into action. I'm pleased to say I've finally found my "why". That's what gets me out of bed every morning!
• I'm developing talents: I started at the age of forty-three finding ways to teach myself things I'd always wanted to learn...playing the piano, drawing portraits, crocheting, and playing the guitar just to name a few. Because I'm not doing this for anyone but me, it brings me joy! My down time is filled with amazing enjoyable activity. And...I'm NEVER EVER bored. My grandma was an amazing artist. But she didn't start taking lessons until she was in her late 60's. It's never too late to start.
• I set boundaries: This is my life. I am responsible for, and deserving of, the decision for who I interact with, what kind of people I surround myself with, and how much of my time I spend with/on them. There's A LOT less stress and drama in my life when I pay attention to relationships of every kind on every level. I work hard to have an attitude of servitude, to be patient and kind, to be friendly and give people the benefit of the doubt. However, I refuse to be a door mat, to take any kind of abuse, to be controlled or used for any other human being's self-serving purposes. I am important, and just as deserving of love and respect as anyone else. But...that love and respect has to come from me first, before I can expect to receive it from anyone else. 
• I have a morning devotional every single day: This is a minimum of 30 minutes to myself to pray and read scriptures. I believe wholeheartedly that there is divine interaction in my life. I purposefully seek guidance, direction, comfort and encouragement from Heaven...and quietly listen so I can receive it. No, my life isn't any easier, nor am I without problems, trials and difficulty because of it. But there is internal peace no matter how much external turmoil there is around me. I am a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, grandmother and friend because I put God first.
• I talk kindly to myself: I try not to say anything I wouldn't say to people I love. I cut myself some slack, I allow myself to make mistakes, I show myself compassion and I recognize some days are going to be crap days. I don't expect perfection from anyone else. Why would I expect it of myself?
• I listen to uplifting music: Music calms my soul, centers me, regulates my breathing and my heartbeat, lowers my stress level, promotes a feeling of happiness, puts a skip in my step, and soothes my brain.
• I count my blessings: Every day I try to find something to be grateful for...sometimes it's a miracle I've witnessed, other times it something as simple as the ability to walk or see, or having a roof over my head, and a soft warm bed to sleep in. Gratitude helps me to stay grounded and keep my attitude out of the toilet.

Being plugged in is crucial to good physical, emotional and spiritual health. It's imperative if you're committed to living with purpose. Wouldn't it be sad to come to the end of your life wondering what might have been? Life isn't a popularity contest, nor is it about being a martyr, or running yourself into the ground under the guise of fixing and rescuing everyone around you. Life is about living, leaving a legacy, planting hope and peace and joy in the hearts of those you love and connect with. No one can do it for you. Choose happiness. Choose to be positive. Choose to smile. Choose to find your "why". Choose to find and plug in to your sources of power!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Drowning in Truth

When I was a child, I loved to sing; not because I thought I was any good at it...it just made my heart happy. It wasn't an obsession; I just put my heart and soul into every opportunity to let the notes burst out of my mouth and ring in the air. As a Primary child (in the LDS faith), I really enjoyed learning the words to, and singing new songs. Music class in elementary school was a highlight of my week. I looked forward with great anticipation to inviting my parents to the concerts scheduled in the spring each year, at which we performed the songs we had memorized and worked to perfect under the direction of some patient and somewhat hopeful music teachers.

The evening of my sixth grade concert was no different. I arrived on time and waited patiently in the classroom feeling super pumped about the chance to shine brilliantly for my family in this performance! As we left the classroom and headed into the gym to take our assigned places on the bleachers, I couldn't stop the excitement I felt from bursting into a smile that betrayed my eleven year old attempt to appear calm and composed. "A word of caution", whispered the skinny dark haired girl to my left. "You can move your mouth, but don't let any sound come out. You don't sound so good when you sing". And suddenly, I didn't feel so much like singing. Ever. Again.

This is a hard subject for me to write about. It's not about singing; it's about all of the things that come to mind, many of which are too painful for me to share. Some are traumatic and bring to the surface emotions that easily get out of control. There are a few that are embarrassing; and no matter how hard I work to convince myself that I've learned and changed because of choices I've made or difficult experiences I've had,  my mind and heart are again flooded with horrible feelings of shame. Like the rest of you, my life is filled with moments and choices that I'm not proud of...that I'd really rather forget. There are also physical flaws, personal problems, weaknesses, emotional and physical scars, and devastating losses that sit as comfortably with me as a herd of elephants in my "room of life". I used to feel like a pile of mismatched emotional and physical pieces and parts organized and carefully put together to create the best outcome one could expect "with what was available". But not anymore.

I've decided to get real and swallow some humbling practicalities:

• What you think of me is none of my business: No one knows my story, my thought processes, the deepest desires of my heart, or my real intentions. And I need to be at peace with that. Life is too short to worry about what someone else might be thinking about how I look, how I act, how perfect I am or am not, whether or not I deserve the life I have, the car I drive or the home I live in. The only one who can rightfully judge me is God. I am His business.
• What I need to change about me...is up to me: Yes, there are probably more than a few annoying things about my personality, my lifestyle, my habits and even my attitude. But "if it's to be...it's up to me". If I don't want to change, don't see a need for change, or can't see a way to change, that's mine; and the responsibility for any fall-out is mine.
• It's not good to hang around toxic people: They have too much influence on my thinking and my emotional health, and hinder my ability to act and/or react independently of their self serving rules and expectations.
• My weaknesses can actually be used as strengths: Emotions such as fear and anger can actually fuel a desire in me to take a necessary action I may not have had the courage to take otherwise. My shyness (yes, I'm somewhat shy) helps me to be better about reaching out to people who may feel anxious or intimidated by new surroundings or experiences. 
• Change is hard, but so rewarding: Instead of beating myself up about things I don't like about me, I can figure out how to change and be kind to myself in the process. The payoff is usually much more than I imagined it could/would be. To look back and see how far I've come is an amazing, encouraging experience. And the good news is I only have to compare my past self to my present self...it doesn't matter who is better or not up to par with my own progress.
• Hard stuff is an unchangeable part of my story: We all have secrets, parts of our history, our challenges, and our physical makeup that we don't usually want to make public. But, we can't deny them or pretend they just don't exist. Sloths are the slowest mammals on earth. They average movement of about 125 ft in a single day. While it might be really frustrating to hang around those painfully slow creatures, if I understood the reason for their behavior (their lean herbivorous diet demands that they conserve energy) I might be a little more understanding and sympathetic...cut them some slack. Likewise, some of my physical attributes, my traumatic experiences, my character flaws may be less than desirable, but if I choose to embrace them...cut myself some slack...it's a little easier to find the joy and enjoy the journey.

I now recognize AND embrace the fact that all of the trauma, the embarrassment, the shame, my choices and life experiences, my character weaknesses and physical flaws, my losses, and my physical and emotional scars have been significant AND essential to my becoming who I am today. They are MY truths, held permanently in place by pillars of self-compassion, unbreakable courage, relentless vigilance, and unbelievable strength. I am proud to be the culmination of the past, present, and future chapters of the story of my life. I pledge to own it and honor it in all of it's imperfection and unfairness, and uncertainty.

I'm all in! Are you with me?