Raw and Real

A brutally honest journal entry:

Life sucks. It's harsh and unfair and I feel like my head might just explode. My heart aches with a pain no one should have to deal with. My stomach is churning and my brain is foggy. I hate going to bed at night because I dread getting up in the morning. I'm so angry and frustrated and disappointed. Fear is my constant companion. I feel lonely and isolated. It's exhausting to try to get to know new people and it causes so much anxiety I feel like throwing up. I want so much to run back to the place I called home for 39 years, to throw myself at the feet of those I called friends, and yet I have so much crap on my plate I don't think I could keep from drowning them with my tears. There would be no conversation. My family relationships, both in my family of origin and with my husband and children, are a shattered mess. There is avoidance, finger pointing, broken trust, depression and anxiety, rebellion, and even estrangement. I'm working so hard on my personal issues, trying to step up my game, and trying (but failing miserably) to be strong and hopeful and encouraging. I'm trapped in emotional quicksand and it feels as though I'm about to go under.

But I will not give up...

• Because I know God is with me. I talk to him every day. He listens, and for just a few minutes while we talk, he wraps me in a warm blanket of peace. He doesn't take away the pain or the fear or the disappointment or the anger, but gently reminds me that I'm never alone and replenishes my courage and strength. He is my refuge from the raging storms in my life. He allows me to talk to him anytime, for as long as I want, as many times a day as I deem necessary. He is never too busy. I am his top priority at any given moment.
• Because I am a valid valuable human being deserving of love and happiness.
• Because I know "this too shall be a memory" as there are better brighter days to come...eventually. And I will wait patiently while trying to see the lessons and the blessings in my current circumstances.
• Because I understand this isn't all about me. This isn't just my story. My loved ones are also hurting and probably feeling an enormous amount of pain, fear, disappointment, and anger. Even though we are each immeasurably broken, we are all "in this together".

So for today, and tomorrow, and for every day for the remainder of time I have to deal with this crappy overwhelming mess, I will embrace the suck. I will keep moving. I will continue reaching up and digging deep. I will allow myself to mourn what should have been,  and take a break from life when I feel myself begin to crumble under the heaviness of it all, taking great strides to make sure my needs are met on every level. I will strive to act and react with  kindness and patience, but take a time out when I find it necessary to replenish those commodities. I will create my own happiness, and try to spread a little sunshine wherever I go. And when the crashing waves of trial and heartache finally recede for a time, I will cherish the opportunity to breathe deeply, then exhale a long sigh of relief, and heartfelt gratitude, for the simple profound truth that life has not destroyed me.

I'm all in! Are you with me?