When All You Can Do is Whisper "I'm Fine"

"I'm fine", I lied. Enough time had passed that I could at least be out in public. But that question everyone asks so nonchalantly, that normally seemed so standard, shook me to the core and kicked my "fight or flight" response screaming into overdrive. What was I supposed to say? I'd had a life threatening reality pummel me into the ground just weeks before...but it was a "behind closed doors" event, unlike those that make the headlines in the national news or in the local newspaper. Time stood eerily still as I negotiated whether running away or passing out would be the appropriate avoidance response.

When "How are you?" is a loaded question...when you're suffering from depression or anxiety, have suffered a loss or been through a traumatic experience, been the victim of a crime, dealing with financial stress, unemployment, chronic illness, aging parents, foreclosure, wayward children, broken relationships...when you're grieving...what do you do with that?

1. Assess the intent of the person asking: Is this someone you are close to, someone you trust truly cares about you? Or is this a casual acquaintance? If you're feeling uncomfortable, you're not obliged to give any more than a polite "non-answer". "I'm doing OK, thanks. How are you?" or "I'm hanging in there. How about you?" or "Hey how was your family vacation?" (avoidance and changing the subject always sends a message of "I'm not willing to go there!")
2. Consider how answering the question might affect you: When you're suffering, answering truthfully may bring on the onset of an eruption of emotion you may not be prepared to handle. And the other party may not know what to do with it, leaving you feeling awkward and full of regret for opening that floodgate. Likely this would usually be a risk one should consider only under emotionally safe circumstances. There's no need to bring more stress or anxiety on yourself than you're already dealing with. Not everyone is in a place to hear your truth. And your truth needs to be protected.
3. Set firm boundaries: I was approached by a few people who thought they knew what had happened, when in fact they were completely misinformed by someone else's speculation. It made it a little very awkward, but I found it necessary to briefly set the record straight and then shut the conversation down. Especially if you're not in a clearly stable state of mind to talk, or you find the questioning distressing, you need to do what's best for you. No one else's opinion or concern matters at that point. You, not any well-meaning busybody, are in charge of your emotional health and healing. Don't allow bullying, gossiping, or ignorance to pressure you into having a conversation you don't want to have. You have to put yourself first.

It's a harsh reality...we're not always as OK as we pretend to be. Being vulnerable is difficult at best, and risky to say the least. Bad things happen to good people. And none of us are exempt from any amount of pain and suffering. People will say stupid hurtful things. The world keeps revolving and time continues moving forward even when your life is falling apart. Having painful experiences in life makes us a little more compassionate. No one will understand exactly how you are feeling because everyone is affected by and handles grief differently. You'll run across people who try to "one up" you and minimize your experience. Some may even tell you to buck up and move on. Healing is hard work and takes a LOT of time. Trust the process. You will never be the same. All the world is oblivious when you're hurting. Seek to disclose your pain to those who will listen and support you, offering encouragement and comfort in the best way possible...and let the rest go.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Did That Really Just Happen?

You know those moments when you want to hide under the table, crawl under the carpet or just disappear into thin air? Yeah, me too:

• One day, when I'd been married for about 5 years, I decided to make cornbread...something I'd done many times before. After I'd added all of the ingredients and prepared to put it in the oven, I caught a glimpse of the can of baking powder and noticed it said "double acting". Immediately I envisioned the cornbread expanding and overflowing all over the floor of the oven as it baked for the time indicated in the recipe. I decided to call a friend, who cautiously admitted she'd never heard of double acting baking powder. I hung up and called another friend...and another and another and another, each of whom responded with the same non helpful "I have no idea what to tell you" response to my ever growing dilemma. I finally decided to call an elderly neighbor lady who listened intently to my frantic query. "All baking powder is labeled as double acting my dear" she said. "Put it in the oven and let it bake. It's all going to turn out fine."
• One day while working in the warehouse of a department store I was running a ticketing machine that, with the push of a button, printed, cut and pinned the price tag to items of clothing to be sold in the store. I allowed myself to become distracted and carelessly ended up with a straight pin going through my right index finger just above the first joint. I turned to my supervisor and told her what happened and then I passed out.
• While attending a meeting for the women of a church congregation I have never attended before, some of my extended family members and I (we were all visiting) were asked to stand and introduce ourselves. My aunt, who was sitting next to me, stood and introduced herself and then sat down. And then in a weird semiconscious sort of way I stood and introduced myself...as my aunt!
•  In a crazy moment of unrealistic expectation, I took my 2 preschoolers and my newborn with me on a "quick" trip to a department store to purchase myself some new pajamas. It took some searching, but I managed to find what I needed. I realized I'd taken a little too long when I heard a little voice merrily chanting at the top of their lungs "tampon, tampon, tampon-tampon-TAMPON!"  I immediately felt sorry for the poor mother of that child...then suddenly realized it was one of mine! (Note: said child had found a tampon in my diaper bag weeks before this incident, asked what it was, barely listened to my response, and skipped away to play. Ugh)

These are just a few of my embarrassing moments, but not my most embarrassing...I don't share those with the general public! 

Embarrassment usually stems from accidental behaviors, "violations of social standards", that lead you to have negative thoughts about yourself. In my experience with embarrassing situations, I can't help but feel like everyone present is as preoccupied with the situation as I am...all eyes on me, all brains quickly forming judgement, and tongues wagging furiously to compare notes or inform those who may have missed out on the "show". It's awkward and sorely uncomfortable. But it's a part of life...no human being is immune to embarrassment! It's driven by a disconnect between how we perceive we should respond and act in public vs. how we actually do respond and act in public. And getting through it can be most challenging. But here are a few things I've learned that make it a little smoother:

• Don't avoid the situation. Sit with it. Take a deep breath. It's best to talk yourself down and try to relax. Sometimes I can laugh it off. Sometimes I have to just be  still and keep my mouth shut to prevent the tears from overflowing. It likely will still sting, but will be a little more bearable.
• Don't apologize...unless you actually did something wrong. Apologizing unnecessarily over and over again, just makes the situation more awkward for everyone involved. 
• Don't focus on the fact that your face turned bright red. This happens as a result of the "fight or flight" response that kicks in because your brain sees embarrassment as a threat. The veins in your face and neck dilate to allow fresh blood and oxygen to flow. Put the focus instead on your breathing; taking slow deep breaths will help immensely. 
• Shut down the shame tapes. Those thoughts of regret or beating yourself up emotionally are destructive. Bring yourself out of that loop into the present. Change the subject, or make a silly joke about what happened. Most people can easily relate to how you're feeling and will just go with it. Those who don't...you don't need them around anyway!
• Stop freaking out about how many people are still thinking or talking about what happened. The truth is most of the people in the room probably were so distracted with what was right in front of them that chances are they didn't even notice. Those who did notice, have likely moved on.  And so should you! Fire that committee in your head.
• Don't beat yourself up. Let it be what it is...an isolated embarrassing moment. Don't let it define you.

OK so obviously some things are a little easier to recover from than others; making a poor choice, an act of retaliation, speaking unnecessarily hurtful words will likely take longer to get past than, say, spilling food down the front of your shirt, or tripping over your own feet in public. But eventually you need to forgive yourself. Learn a lesson (if you've actually done something wrong) and move forward. It may take some time, but it's worth the time and effort to avoid ruining your future by obsessing and being stuck in the past.

I'm all in! Are you with me?