F.E.A.R.

I haven't posted in awhile. There's been far too much drama trying to creep into my life and I'm exhausted from fighting to keep it out. I'm much too old and much too focused on making the best of my remaining time here to get wrapped up in such crap. There is absolutely no room for selfish words, toxic behavior, or ulterior motives in my life. I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to learn better ways and protect my own personal sense of well-being on every level.

This past week has been difficult as the 7th anniversary of a traumatizing and life changing event came calling like an unavoidable guest sitting on the front porch of my soul. My husband of then 26 years attempted suicide in a brutally horrific manner, losing nearly 1/2 of his blood in the process and ultimately failing in his attempt. It's painful for my heart and mind to relive the ordeal, but so healing emotionally to see just how far I've come in those 7 years. I seriously doubt the shock and pain will ever go away, but they do seem to have decreased in intensity with time, for which I am most grateful. I've done SO much hard work emotionally, in therapy and on my own. But, ultimately the progress has come due to the passing of time and the love and patience of my Father in Heaven as He's taught me how to shift my mindset, learn how to move forward, and accept the responsibility I have to forgive. Forgiving is a process, but I'm profoundly aware that it's more for my good than for the good of those I am asked to forgive.

Yesterday was my day to celebrate the "new" me with my #noFEAR theme...Forget Everything And Remember...remember who I am, where I've come from, the grace of God that has lead me to where I am today, and how incredibly thankful I am for the journey. My eldest daughter joins me in this day long event each year; amazingly, it was her idea to start this tradition 3 years ago and it has been one we will continue to treasure together. The day is always started with breakfast at a favorite restaurant where we enjoy an unhurried meal and an opportunity to revisit the "event", talk through the pain, and celebrate our victories in overcoming and healing through the past year. She is a wise soul and I cherish the fact that we have become dear forever friends. After breakfast, we find meaningful ways to spend our time reminiscing, and planning how we will move forward in the coming year. Her insight and perspective are amazing and I always leave at the end of the day wishing it would never end.

While there are individuals I've shared my story with, for the most part it's a secret I've kept to myself. Shame, and the guilt of disclosing the details of someone else's story have prevented me from going public. But, it's a part of me, a chapter in the story of MY life, and MINE to learn and heal from, as well as an opportunity to open my heart and offer true empathy and compassion to those who may have similar experience. Oh how I wish I'd had someone to turn to in the midst of my mess, someone who knew exactly what I was feeling, what I was thinking, how fear and anger, and confusion and guilt and shame swallowed me whole and threatened to ultimately destroy me. My life would have been blessed to know someone else who had survived it and come out with hope and healing and faith and courage on the other side.

Now that I'm on the other side, I'm humbled and grateful to know I can potentially be that person for someone else. And today, the burden and heaviness of secrecy is lifted as I openly share here. I am free. I am healing. And I am grateful for all I've learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life. I have a deep scar that will never go away, but I wear it without shame. It's a beautiful reminder of my strength, my courage, and the continued growth of my inner child toward the  beautiful, capable, and amazing woman she is becoming, and having so much to offer in the legacy I can now leave for those who come after me. And thanks be to God for His amazing love and patience, and for His grace He so willingly extends to me, a daughter He so valiantly fights for.

As my "new" year begins, I feel hopeful and renewed. I am becoming more and more appreciative of the good that comes from the difficult trials I experience in life. I am gaining courage and confidence in my ability to conquer and overcome the boulders of adversity that sometimes overwhelm me with setbacks and discouragement. And I'm ready to again move forward without delay.

I'm all in my friend! Are you with me?

When You Step Up to the Door...and It Closes and Locks Right In Front of You

Blindside. Holy cow. I couldn't prevent it. I couldn't prepare for it. And...I barely have the strength to recover from it. It flipped my world upside down and backwards, and wreaked havoc with my heart and mind, sneaking in with such stealth that I couldn't anticipate the force of its awful blow.

I can barely function. It feels like the emotional equivalent of a severe stomach flu. I feel like I'm glued to my mattress when I first open my eyes to the bright sunlight pouring through my window in the early morning hours. And I resist the idea of going to bed at night until I can barely hold myself upright, because I don't want to have to get up again in the morning. My thoughts weigh heavy on my depression saturated brain. Surges of intense sadness savagely overwhelm me, and sudden bursts of tears, as if on cue, race down my cheeks and drip all over my freshly washed clothes.

I am a mess. Instinctively I want to be left alone. But the intensity of the loneliness inside me is insane. I'm so weary mentally and emotionally, and physically, that I can't think or not think. I know that's so contradictory. But it's the truth. I can't keep my mind in the present moment. But I can't stop thinking about what happened. There are a million things I should be doing, but I can't make sense of any order or priority.

Time is critical, but it passes in an uneven cadence. Sometimes minutes seem like days, and days seem like minutes. I find I must dig deep and be motivated to keep going because life changing decisions are staring me in the face. When I look ahead, I'm filled with a sense of urgency, but I long for the day of peaceful realization that everything has fallen into place with life settled into a predictable pattern of familiarity. I want full disclosure of the outcome, but dread the process that will eventually lead me there. I am filled with anxiety; I can't afford to do nothing, as that will lead to even more stress and overwhelm in the coming weeks. And no one else shares in the responsibility of making those decisions. I stand completely alone. I have no one to blame if I sink, or if I swim.

I hate doing this by myself. It's an overwhelming thing to shoulder the future alone. Unlike the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books my children used to read, determining which page to turn to next in this chapter of my life leaves me feeling a little very apprehensive; one wrong turn and I may get caught in the unintentional demolition of my carefully thought out plans. One more drastic plot twist just doesn't work for me at this point.

So every day I choose to get out of my bed. I choose to kneel in prayer to petition God for strength, and guidance, and peace. I choose to shower and get dressed, put on my makeup and fix my hair. I choose to go for a walk so I can clear my head for just a few minutes to focus and prioritize, and plan how to best manage my time. I choose to sit with my emotions instead of stuffing them down into the bottomless pit of hopelessness and despair. I choose to avoid the temptation to waste time scrolling on social media, or mindlessly binging on Netflix drama. I choose to eat well and avoid junk food. I choose to keep myself hydrated. And I choose to believe someday I will look back and see the beautiful lessons and blessings that will surely come from this gut wrenching experience.

It's hard. And it's exhausting on every level. But I'm pushing through. And eventually I'm going to be okay. I don't know how this mess is going to turn out. But one day, one choice, one action at a time will somehow eventually make it very clear.

I'm all in. Are you with me?

Why Are You Carrying That Around With You?

"MOM! What are you doing???!!!" my daughter yelled so loud it shook me to the core. She was excited and I was excited for her. We were chatting and giggling as we headed to the neighborhood pet store to buy her a fish and a tank with all of the needed accessories. She'd been asking me for a long time and I was finally about to make it happen. But I wasn't paying attention and the signal light turned red...right before I went through the intersection, swerving to avoid broadsiding another car headed toward us from the other direction with horn blaring and tires screeching. We could have died...or at least been seriously injured. I replayed that near miss in my head for the entire rest of the day. I was shaken, freaked out, completely embarrassed, and ashamed that I'd let myself become so distracted at what could have been an unbearable cost.

Mistakes. I've made plenty of them in my 50+ years of life. Some were out of carelessness...accidents if you will, while others were intentional choices I made that turned out regretfully poor results. Either way, mistakes have always been a sore spot for me. I hate admitting that I've made them. I'd much rather "sweep them under the rug" and pretend they never happened.  Keeping them to myself seems the best option at the time, but eventually the shame and humiliation wreaks havoc until I can't help but bring it out and deal with it. Bringing it all back to the surface is ugly and painful and sometimes even sickening. However, it's akin to opening up a wound and cleaning it out to get rid of the infection. If left "untreated" it leads to worse problems than the mistake itself.

While rehashing and reflecting are a necessary part of helping us avoid similar mistakes in the future, they can become a seriously debilitating problem if allowed to spiral out of control. But how does one avoid that?

• Take the "self-judgement" component out of it. Instead of labeling yourself as stupid, incompetent, or foolish, delete those thoughts immediately and replace them with questions like "What can I learn from this?" or "How can I do better next time?" This will take practice. You'll have to be intentional and consistent. But it will work. Perhaps writing down your answers will be helpful in processing these questions.
• Distract and redirect your thoughts. Get back to what  your were doing before the details of the mistake invaded your brain. If it's bedtime and you're hopelessly unable to get to sleep because you can't stop thinking about what happened, change your worrisome thoughts to something neutral that doesn't involve emotion (counting sheep by 3's, reciting the alphabet backwards, naming all 50 states etc). You may need to redirect several times...stand your ground. Don't cave in.
• Set a specific time and place for processing and reflecting on your mistake. I'm not telling you don't think about it. Remember you need to think about it with a plan for resolve in mind.  Setting specifics about when and where to process will set a healthy boundary and keep your thoughts from getting out of control. Get a journal and put your reflections in writing. Typing on the computer isn't as productive as writing out the words, the worries, the concerns...or your resolve. Writing takes effort and concentration and helps to internalize what you're thinking. Typing can easily be done mindlessly while your brain gets distracted. Choose the pen and paper!
• Confide in someone you trust. Letting it out, confronting the shame and embarrassment with someone you trust will ultimately help put things into proper perspective: You're not the only one who makes mistakes, your mistake probably isn't as bad as you think it was, there's always someone who has screwed up worse than you did, and this probably won't be the last time you make a mistake. This is one situation I can think of where competition makes me feel a little bit better...you know that "Well you think that's bad, guess what I did?" conversation...If someone else can "outdo" me with their "horrible mistake" story I'm a little quicker to cut myself some slack.

Sometimes we are our own worst critic. We are harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else. That's not really fair. We are ALL human. What makes you so special? Really. You're no less prone to mistakes, intentional or not, than the next person. Get over yourself and be kind. Be gentle with yourself. Say and do nice things for yourself. Be your own best friend and advocate strongly for the "judge" (yourself) to give you a break because you've learned a lesson and you deserve another chance. Own it, learn from it and let it go.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Stop Feeding Yourself That Crap!

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of "being" a lot of things when I grew up. The list changed frequently as I was introduced to new and amazing thoughts about what I could actually be when I became a grown up...a nurse, an organist, an astronaut, a mom of at least a dozen children, an artist for Disney Studios. Of course, when you're a little tyke the time between birthdays passes about as quickly as a slug moving through a mess of thick dark slimy mud; thus the thought of actually reaching the long anticipated status of adult was well beyond my comprehension. But I day dreamed about it frequently anyway.

About the time I hit 9th grade and started high school, my fascination with adulthood and all of it's dreamy possibilities was replaced with a panic that knew no boundaries. I'd been through some pretty harsh life experiences by then and had become a shy, withdrawn, shadow of the optimistic child I had once been. Graduation came much more quickly than those birthdays I had once longed for, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and surrender to the fear and dread that filled my lonely confused heart and mind.

The next 7 years were spent trying to prove (mostly to myself) that I was lovable...or at least likable. I went out of my way to try and be "the life of the party". Not really partying...but more or less vying for the popularity and acceptance I had seen bestowed upon others in the past as I watched silently from afar. I wasn't big headed, or full of myself...I just wanted desperately to feel like more than the worthless sorry excuse for a human being that I felt like. So, I faked my way out of my loneliness. I worked hard at making friends, appearing to be happy with my life, and creating an atmosphere of fun and laughter. I watched a lot of my friends leave for college as I settled for a few semesters at the local community college. I had no idea what I wanted to study...I just went for the sake of being able to say I was doing something with my life. I had some serious crushes, but dated only once in a blue moon. I held down a few different minimum wage jobs, but they were all dead ends as far as being able to find my place in the work force. At one point I quit my job and moved out of state, hoping a change in scenery would solve my problems and offer solutions of hopeful progress and direction in life. But after 6 months, I went "home" and took up where I left off. By this time many of my friends were marrying and starting families and I was back to looking for new people to spend time with.

Eventually I married. I continued working part-time until our first child was born 15 months later. Fast forward 26 years, 3 more children, a lot of heartache and unhappiness in my own personal life, and finally a trauma that "blew the house down". I was 51 years old...and had nothing to show for it. I had failed that little girl who once dreamed so big and so boldly. Or so I thought.

Today nearly 6 years later, I've worked my butt off to become who I am today. I'm still not a nurse, an organist (although I've taught myself some piano and guitar skills!), an astronaut, a mom to a dozen children (but I have 4 kiddos that I love and adore!), or an artist for Disney Studios (however, I've taught myself some pretty amazing artistic skills!)...but I've awakened once more that ability to dream big and bold! My dreams and goals are not quite so ambitious, but I do believe I can accomplish ANYTHING I put my mind to...and I've opened my mind to move past the barriers and limitations I'd placed on myself in my "pre-trauma" life. Yes, sadly it was the trauma that changed everything for me. I'd been shattered, and "stripped" of everything...including my self-inflicted limitations.

So why did I...why do any of us...put limitations on ourselves?

• We've landed in a "failure" mindset: When we fall down a few times it's much harder to get back up again. It's too easy to succumb to mental or maybe even physical exhaustion. I've found for myself this is especially true when I'm not taking care of my most basic needs. I let myself slide because I'm in the habit and mindset of putting everyone else first. And pretty soon I'm not even last on the list. I'm not on the list at all. I can't do it. It's not working. I quit. I'm too tired to stand up again.
• Fear gets the best of us: That could be fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of new and different or unfamiliar, fear of failing, or even fear of success (Yep. It's real. I've been there). Fear leads to procrastination or avoidance, which ultimately leads to nothing nowhere.
• We have limiting beliefs about ourselves: I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, good enough, worthy enough...you can insert ANY word in there to make it work for you (translation: to make it not work for you). I am not ___________ enough. This is completely destructive to reaching goals or making dreams a reality...but only YOU can change it.
• We lack hope and/or belief in ourselves and our capabilities: Sometimes we AREN'T enough for what we would like to accomplish, but that shouldn't stop us from educating ourselves, acquiring sufficient information or experience, or trying to learn a new skill. I'm discovering for myself...you are never too old to make life happen. If you can dream it, you can learn it and do it!
• We forget our "why": You know, that reason deep down inside of you that pushes and encourages and drives you. That's your why. It's why you wake up, why you go to your job, why you take care of your family, why you keep going when you feel the urge to quit. If you've lost you why, do some digging. It's there. It just needs to be rediscovered and reignited. It doesn't matter how long it's been. If you look hard enough you'll discover it's there; it never went away.

Life is too short to live in regret. Let the past be the past. Wake up to the reality of your present, and choose to have a huge say in your future! It's yours. It doesn't belong to anyone else. You alone are responsible for your happiness, the realization of your dreams, and what you make of your life. Live fully. Dream big. And die happy knowing you lived happy and loved fiercely. Don't waste your time on toxic people and avoid drama like the plague. These are my new rules for life!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Suck It Up Or Dance In It...You Choose

I've had the life sucked out of me. Again. It's so hard to hold my head up and go through my daily routine. My body feels weak and shaky. I have no energy. There are things I feel I MUST tend to, but it takes so little to wear me out and send me to my bed for rest. The hours between the early morning light that drifts through my window each morning, and the time that twilight finally settles in, seem endless. I have no energy for small talk, for problem solving, for planning, for little more than opening my eyes to face yet another day. I feel sad and angry, and hurt and disappointed, and a loneliness that is much more encompassing than I've ever experienced before. Fear and hopelessness and darkness hover over me, but I'm not willing to let them take up residence in my head. I see what they are capable of; I will not allow myself to fall victim to their destructive ways. I've witnessed others mindlessly drift to the point of no return; I'm not even willing to take the first step on that path. I get depression. It surrounds me on every side, and threatens to suffocate me. But I will give it zero opportunity to destroy me...not even second hand.

I know you probably think I'm full of myself. How dare I think I'm so invincible and powerful. Think what you may. But the truth is it's a choice. Really. I can choose to dwell on my problems, my sucky life, my traumatic experiences, the unfairness of my circumstances, my sadness and loneliness, my health issues,  the way I'm treated by others, and all the other crap that gets relentlessly flung at me. Or I can take responsibility for how I handle what comes my way. 

Reality check: The universe has nothing against me. God is not punishing me. I am not undeserving of being treated with kindness and respect. I am not a worthless pile of crap that somehow mistakenly ended up where I'm at physically OR emotionally in my life. I haven't been dealt a lousy hand. Bad things happen to bad people...and good people. I am not exempt from pain, tragedy, disappointment, health crises, financial ruin, bad luck, or misfortune of any kind. Sometimes Much of the time, life sucks. But I CHOOSE whether or not to cope, how to cope, and how long to cope. I choose whether to be humble and reachable, or pridefully surround myself with an impenetrable wall and suffer silently, or shamelessly loud enough for everyone to witness. And NO ONE can take that choice away from me.

If you're looking for a perfect life you're in for a severe disappointment. Give it up. Change your expectation. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself:

• Get outside of yourself. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than you. And there is NO exception to that rule. Look for them and do something to lighten their burden. You can't take their crap away, but you can add a little sunshine.
• Count your blessings. There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Look for it until you find it. Write it down and put it where you can be reminded of it EVERY single day.
• Take a break from social media. Everyone's life is falsely portrayed (intentional or not) to be much better than yours is. Don't fall into that trap. We ALL have crap.
• Set a goal to change something about you or about your life that you CAN change. Learn to take the rest in stride and move on.
• Reach out for support. Friends, family, church clergy, neighbors...let them into your circle and try letting at least one of them into your heart.
• Change up your routine. Sometimes doing just one thing differently makes all the difference in your attitude and helps give you a fresh perspective.

Life is tough. But you don't have to let it destroy you.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

She's Never Coming Back

I've heard the term "mid-life crisis" pretty much all of my life. As a teenager, I really couldn't wrap my brain around what that meant. In my early 20's I understood what it meant, but thought it was a little ridiculous that someone well into their adult years would suddenly feel unsettled with where they were in life and make drastic changes to be or do something different. Now I'm in my 50's; while I'm not freaking out and acting crazy trying to recreate myself, I have over the past 5 years pondered deeply "when my life comes to an end, what will I be remembered for? What will be my legacy? What difference or impact will I have made in my little cobweb covered corner of the world?" And I think I've found the answer. I want to be a leader. 

In my youth was painfully shy; the last thing on my mind was the possibility of being a leader in anything. I was a skinny kid with buck teeth, horn rimmed glasses, mousy brown shoulder length hair and the personality of a flea bitten dog...uncomfortable in my own skin, easily distracted, and not much fun to be around.

In my early adult years, I was fearful; afraid of change, afraid to stretch and try something new. I was apprehensive about jumping into anything hard, risky, unknown, or demanding. I was committed to stand firm and unmovable in the confines of my comfort zone, and avoided anyone who suggested stepping out of it, like the plague. My life was miserable, but at least it was predictable.

Five years ago life as I knew it came to an end; I was forced to stand independently, to think solely for myself, to make life changing decisions on my own, to take risks, to face the unknown. I stared fear in the face, courage became my new best friend, and desperation to avoid drowning in the tumultuous sea of life became my driving force. 

Eleven months ago, I came up on a business opportunity that intrigued me. It sounded like enough of a challenge to be adventurous and rewarding, but not too overwhelming. I jumped in "head first" with the enthusiasm of a young child let loose in a Disney theme park, feeling like my "pot of gold" lay just on the other end of a gloriously breathtaking rainbow. Very quickly, however, I realized just how naive I was in my thinking and in my approach.

It didn't take long before discouragement and disappointment set in; I felt sheepish, and several times nearly crumbled at the feet of failure and humiliation. But there was one tiny spark inside me that seemed to shout "Don't you quit! It's not over yet! Hang on! You can do this! Just wait and see!" So I hung on. Every single day I got out of bed and spent time trying to decide what to do differently. I fought hard against discouragement and depression and frustration and anxiety and fear. Some days I felt hopeful, but most days I felt like the mountain was too hard to climb. And then one day I came across this quote: 

BAM! It was like a switch flipped inside my head and I had a complete change of mindset. No one (including myself!) had the right to tell me I couldn't succeed. Yes, I was a long way from success. Yes there was SO MUCH I needed to learn. Yes, there was a ton of work to be done. Yes, there was a mountain of changes to make. Yes, it was going to be hard. But most importantly, IT WAS GOING TO BE WORTH IT!!

Now, nearly an entire year later, the mountain is still a mountain. But I choose to focus on the ground right in front of me instead of looking up to try and see how much longer it's going to take or how much further I have to go. I choose to greet each new day with a "to do" list, and each new week with a few simple goals to get me a little further up the mountain. I choose to be accountable to myself...to follow through with what I said I would do...even if no one else heard what I said. I choose to have a positive "can do" attitude and pick myself up and dust myself off when I miss the mark. I choose to be happy doing what I'm doing and grateful for the opportunity. I choose to face my fears and set the ground work for others to follow my lead. I choose to share what I've learned and continue to have an attitude of always seeking knowledge. I choose to be an inspiration to others instead of a hindrance. I choose to be responsible for my thoughts, my actions and my attitude. I choose to smile and talk to people I don't know. I choose to "bloom where I'm planted". I choose to change and I choose to grow.

It's not an accident...I'm no longer who I used to be. And the "old me" is never coming back. As you can see in the photos above, I've obviously made changes to my physical appearance, but one can hardly help but notice the happiness, peace, contentment and confidence that has come to me over the past 5 years, the result of changes in my thinking, my daily habits, and my emotional health.(FYI these are all selfies taken with my phone; none are the work of a professional). Change is hard. It requires the sacrifice of time and effort, and giving up a piece of yourself in exchange for something even better. It happens slowly, a little here and a little there, barely noticeable until one day you can look back and see just how far you've come. You have to pay the price. You have to do the work. And most of the time only you will notice. But no one will be more surprised, more at peace, or more grateful than you with the result of the work you've done. It's such an amazing journey!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

If the World Was Blind

In September 2016 I had an interesting experience:

From my journal:

"I attended my mom's ward today (I'm LDS or Mormon as some refer to us and our congregations are divided into wards. You are assigned a ward depending on where you live within certain boundaries). In Relief Society (the women's organization that meets during the 3rd hour of church) the lesson was on honesty and how we can improve in our personal lives.. By direction of the instructor, the discussion turned to being honest with ourselves.. She stated that she felt impressed while preparing the lesson, that she should do an activity...that someone in attendance would need to hear what was being said. She asked that we move ourselves into pairs so each of us would have a partner. I was in a group of 3 and voluntarily moved to sit with a woman who was sitting alone. The instructor gave us the following instructions: The woman on the left was to remain silent and write down the things the woman on the right said for a period of 45 seconds. The woman on the right was to look directly into the eyes of the woman on the left and tell her what she saw in them. I was on the right. At first I was a little nervous and uncomfortable; however, I was soon humbled and so grateful for the experience as I felt I was truly looking into her soul. Some of the things I saw were kindness, confidence, a wonderful sense of humor, a great love for those around her (especially her family), and a deep connection with her children...which was amazing as I had never even seen her before this experience (I found out at the end of the meeting that she too was visiting that day).

When the time was up, we switched and she did the same with me. She saw that I was peaceful, had a great depth of character, was service oriented, selflessness, wise, compassionate, non-judgmental, willing to connect, and kind. 

At the end of this experience, the instructor said "What you saw in each other's eyes, is what God sees; the truth of who he knows you to be and loves". It was a surprisingly emotional experience that I will never forget.

Sometimes in life, there is too much emphasis on beauty, fame, and fortune. We as a society, tend to look up to, and admire, those who are "model material", whose looks outshine the rest. We put those who have the "perfect shape" and the "perfect size", with the "perfect hair" and "perfect teeth", on a pedestal worthy of the gods. We look to, and aspire to be like, those who "know it all" and "have it all". We want to "grow up and be just like them". And unless/until we are...just like them, we treat ourselves, and anyone else who doesn't fit the mold, as less than the dust of the earth, while peering over our shoulders to make sure the "target" doesn't move too far out of our sights. It's an easy trap to fall into.

I don't know where you fall in this whole scenario, and it doesn't really matter to me what your answer is. But let me ask you this...If the world were blind, how many people would YOU impress? Where is your focus? What positive character traits are you working to develop? What weaknesses and bad habits are you looking to abandon? Are you known for your kindness...or are you one to be avoided? Do you have a good work ethic or are you lazy and full of excuses? Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen or looking to cheat the system and pull the wool over people's eyes? Are you patient in heavy traffic or do you tend to take your frustration out on the vehicles on the road around you? Do you race to take that parking spot someone else was trying to get into or do you pass and look for something else?  What kind of reputation do you have with you family? Your spouse? Your children? Your employees? Your employer? Your church congregation? 

Not one of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. But sometimes we get set in our ways, and for one reason or another, feel validated in our treatment of others. The golden rule still stands. Treat others as you wish to be treated by others. It takes patience. It takes courage. It takes humility. But it's worth the effort so as to enjoy the fruits of your real and honest intent...to be recognized for the kind of person you are, for your heart, rather than your looks, your fortune or your fame.

One day at a time. One step at a time. One habit at a time. One trait at a time. It's never to late to change. But nothing changes...if nothing changes.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Devil's Radio

 

"Word is going around that you're looking 'haggard'" my friend told me as she quickly encouraged me into her car. "We're going to fix that!" 

I had every reason to be looking haggard. I was single-handedly raising 3 children under the age of 5 (married to their nonparticipating father) and running myself into the ground to pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, handle the logistics of getting help for a child with a significant developmental delay, keep up with mountains of laundry, meet the demands of my church responsibilities, work through the issues I was facing with my own emotional health, cook and clean, and manage the expectations of a high maintenance spouse. It was a little overwhelming to say the least; I was a ticking time bomb. However, there was no consideration for the truth of the matter at hand from those who gossiped behind my back. My life was a mess. And while I was doing the very best I knew how, I was drowning in the ominous ocean of dysfunction.

I suppose there are a myriad of reasons why people gossip: perhaps there's a need for "indirect" retaliation, a desire to prove one's worth and qualification for fitting into the "in crowd", jealousy, seeking acceptance/friends, poor judgement, or maybe a lack of better things to do with their time. Sadly, to some it may even seem like a harmless form of recreation until they become the one people are talking about. I read an article recently that claimed gossip has healthy benefits, but I believe it to be far more harmful than beneficial. Just my own opinion of course...you may feel differently. In my mind it's akin to bullying, except the victim isn't present to defend themselves; in fact, they are likely unaware that it's happening. It's demeaning. It can ruin a person's reputation, it promotes lies or half truths about a person behind their back, and it creates a lot of unnecessary drama for everyone involved.

If you are the subject of gossip, here are some things that may be helpful:

1. Take a step back and identify your emotions.
2. Use calming strategies to ground yourself: go for a long walk, do some deep breathing exercises, take a long warm shower, meditate, go for a work out. This will give you time to think about how to approach the problem in a more realistic and healthy manner.
3. Recognize that the situation isn't really about you; it's about others needing to tear you down to make themselves appear at least a little better than you.
4. If you know who is behind the gossip, and you choose to have a conversation or a confrontation with them, be sure to do so in private, behind a closed door, with a calm voice, out of earshot of other people.
5. Don't go into the mode of attacking, intimidating or accusing. This will only "add fuel to the fire".
6. Don't include any other person in the conversation (so and so said this or that). That will only frustrate the conversation.
7. Be clear about your purpose for having said conversation. Are you trying to stop the gossip? Or are you trying to correct misinformation? Know your intent before you begin.
8. Be clear about your expectation following the conversation. What do you expect to happen as a result. Make sure they know your expectation as well.
9. Try not to focus on the negative experience. Focus on what's going right in your life. Spend some extra time letting yourself feel gratitude for all that is good and positive and brings you joy. 
10. Show yourself some compassion and have a forgiving attitude. It beats letting yourself continue to be angry, feeling stressed and "bent out of shape". The person who benefits most will be you. You will be better able to move on and have less negative impact on your health and well-being.

If you are one who spreads gossip, here are some things you might consider:

1. Get the facts before you consider opening your mouth...and not from a 2nd or 3rd party. If you didn't hear it first hand it's likely not true. There's no need to spread toxic, untrue, or one-sided information about people.
2. Ask yourself "What's my intent for passing along this information? Am I trying to make myself feel better? Is it harmful? Would I say it to their face?
3. What's behind your need to gossip? Are you angry? Are you jealous? What is the person doing that's bothering you so much?
4.  Wouldn't it be better to speak with the person face to face to find a solution to the problem? It may not be easier but it IS kinder and it will more likely cause a whole lot less drama. Perhaps it might foster a more healthy relationship between the two of you.
5. If someone comes to you with a bit of "juicy" information, change the subject or disengage. Walk away. Make up an excuse if you have to. Don't allow yourself to be a participant in such negative damaging behavior.

Gossiping may not be an easy habit for some people to break. But here's the thing: Even if the story is true, spreading it can cause so much more damage to the person being talked about, and have serious far reaching consequences. No one wants to be the topic of gossip. Everyone deserves a fair shake, to be given the benefit of the doubt. Is it worth ruining a relationship, a career, a family, a sense of acceptance and belonging? Is it worth the loss of a life? Think before you speak. A little kindness goes a long way. You may be the tipping point, the one who made the difference between a tragic loss and a comforted soul. Spread love not gossip.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

It's More Than My Heart Can Take And The World Just Keeps On Spinning

Loss is harsh. We've all been through it...divorce or break up of a relationship, death of a pet or loved one, the sale of a treasured family home, retirement or being laid off from a job, the onset of life-changing health conditions. a miscarriage...

And following loss comes the stages of grief:

1. Denial: "This can't be happening to me"
2. Anger: "Why is this happening to me?"
3. Bargaining: "Please don't let this happen to me...take it away and I will ________"
4. Depression: "I'm overwhelmed with debilitating sadness"
5. Acceptance: "I'm at peace with what has happened/is happening"

Grieving is different for everyone. There are many factors such as coping style, personality, life experience, faith, and the significance of the loss. Some people begin to feel better in weeks or months, but sometimes it takes years before healing takes place. There is no normal...it just is what is for each and every individual. It takes time, and requires patience.

But what if your loss is ambiguous...as in it doesn't allow for closure? Such might be the case for instance, for those who deal with infertility, aging parents with dementia, the loss of a loved one through suicide or estrangement, those abandoned by a parent, or whose loved one is plagued by addiction or a brain injury to name a few. Persons experiencing such a loss are usually left with a feeling of not knowing how to move forward, and often live with feelings of uncertainty, sadness, confusion, guilt, anxiety, or doubt. How does one cope with "frozen" grief?

• Don't pressure yourself to just move on: Take one day at a time. While there is no closure, there is hope for learning how to "carry" your grief. It may be necessary to seek the help of a professional, especially if it affects your ability to function, or if you seek to escape through addictive substances or harmful behavior.
• Seek support from loving, open minded, non-judgmental friends or family members.
• Take REALLY good care of yourself: Good self-care is imperative. Keep yourself well balanced physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 
• Ask for and accept help when needed: Your support people are good for lending a listening ear and offering a shoulder to cry on...but don't underestimate their willingness to help with errands, offer assistance with child-care, or bring in meals to help lift your spirit and lighten your heavy load.
• Remember you are not alone: We don't always know another person's story. I stumbled across this quote by Helen Keller recently. It speaks volumes:

• Don't "stuff your pain". Let the tears fall. Sit with the sadness, and the hurt, and the anger, and the grief. Be realistic about the fact that "it's not OK". It may never be OK. It's unfair and it sucks. But someday, with time, and patience, and healing, you will be OK.
• Don't dwell on the "if only", or "what should have been", or "what might eventually be". Stay in the present. Focus on the here and now. There is so much that is out of your control. Put your effort, and your thinking, and your energy on what's in front of you and keep moving forward. It's a lot harder than it sounds, but it's so essential to your healing and your well-being. 

I know from painful personal experience that ambiguous loss is devastating and ugly, but accepting it can provide one with strength and resilience, allowing them to move forward despite the pain. There is so much in life that is beautiful, amazing, endearing, and so worth the effort we must put forth to find it.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Thank Heaven For Tuesday

Last week I had an important event to attend. I got up early enough to allow plenty of time to get ready because I really wanted to look and feel my very best. I took an extra long hot shower, then carefully applied lotion to my then well hydrated skin. I conditioned my hair and purposefully enhanced it's natural wave, giving a little more body to my thin silver highlighted locks. I carefully applied my makeup, and took extra time to consider the clothes I would wear. It all came together perfectly, and with plenty of time to spare.

Breakfast for me every morning is a protein shake...one cup of almond milk or juice from select vegetables run through my juicer, six ice cubes, some flax seed, a little dark cocoa, and a scoop of my favorite protein powder. On this particular day, as I prepared to mix the ingredients in the blender, something fell out of the cupboard above and sent the container crashing to the floor...after it splashed all down the front of my perfectly put together attire.

Deep sigh. 

Some days are like that. Dealing with sick children, unmet deadlines at the office, traffic jams, insufficient funds in the bank account, fender benders, missed appointments, disagreements with a significant other, ruined meals, disappointing news...a single occurrence or multiple happenings in a day, can sometimes make you wish you'd stayed in bed and pulled the covers over your head.

And sometimes LIFE is like that...for weeks or months or years at a stretch! 

The good news is...Monday is followed by Tuesday, the weekend/days off come at the end of a long exhausting week, spring is a welcome sight after a long dark winter, a night of rest/sleep comes at the end of the day...there's always a new chance, a fresh start, a welcome do-over.

Here are some things to ponder and consider:

• DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN "PERFECTION": Just do your best and internalize the fact that your "10" is good enough. Roll with the punches, work your way around the boulders, move ahead slow and steady. Progress is progress!
• GET GROUNDED: Try to think rationally. Don't let other people tell you how to live your life. "Delete" and "backspace" exist for a reason. There isn't a shortage of erasers. You have the right to change your mind or your course. You alone are the author of your story.
• CELEBRATE THE SMALL VICTORIES: Every day you're going to have wins and losses. Focus on what went right and let the rest go.
• CHANGE UP YOUR ROUTINE: Take a different route, do things in a different order, stop doing what doesn't work, replace the "people pleasing" behaviors, be spontaneous, stop the madness!
• STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE: Make a move, take a risk, do something scary, be a little unpredictable!
• DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF: Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break. Pat yourself on the back. Be your own best cheerleader!
• FOCUS ON YOUR PASSION: Do what you love...and love what you do!
• BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF: Success, healing, change...they all take time...and a lot of patience. Begin where you are and take one step, one day, one experience at a time. The rest will follow.
• TRUST YOUR GUT: God gave us instincts for a reason. Use them.
• DON'T MAKE EXCUSES: If it's important to you...you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse. Ultimately it's all up to you.

Most importantly, remember you are NOT alone! Being human is a challenge. We are all in this together. Take life one day at a time and be grateful for the good and the joy and the blessings! The rest is water under the bridge.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Don't Die Wondering

I love flamingos! They aren't the most attractive birds to look at with their thick awkwardly crooked bills, giraffe-like necks, and long skinny legs, but I've always been intrigued by their beautiful pinkish orange color, which I learned comes from the algae and crustaceans they eat that contain carotenoids. Enzymes in the flamingo's liver break down the carotenoids into pink and orange pigment molecules that are absorbed by fats deposited in their feathers, bills and legs. Captive flamingos, that would otherwise be white or pale pink, are fed a special diet that includes the pigmented crustaceans. In the wild, a well-fed healthy flamingo is more vibrantly colored, whereas a white or pale flamingo is usually unhealthy or malnourished. (How's that for a little Zoology Ornithology 101)

Like flamingos, the beauty of our "humanness" exudes from our very being as we "feed" ourselves with the things that bring us fulfillment and happiness and peace, without which, we become emotionally "unhealthy and malnourished". Regardless of the "not so beautiful" aspects of your life (let's be honest...we all have them), how do you feel about your life today...right now in this moment? Are you looking forward to what's coming next? Are you living your best life?

If not, there's no better time to begin than today! Here are some suggestions to help get you started:

• Begin each new day as a fresh new start. Don't hold on to what happened yesterday, last week or even 10 years ago. Today is a clean slate. Treat it as such.
• Stop complaining. Complaining doesn't solve problems; it only feeds feelings of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. 
• Don't dwell on the things you can't change...what happened, what people think, what someone said. Instead think about the things you can take action on. That is the most constructive approach to enjoying life and moving forward.
• Live more consciously. Life is to be experienced so get out of "auto-pilot" and notice what's going on around you.
• Be true to yourself. Live up to your values and principles. Don't "sell yourself short" or "throw yourself under the bus".
• Set goals. The more specific the better.
• Create a "bucket list" then get out there and make those things happen!
• Be positive. Is the glass half empty or half full? It's all a matter of perception.
• Don't be a bad mouth. If you have a bone to pick with someone, do it face to face in private. Otherwise don't say anything at all.
• Believe in yourself 100%. If you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to believe in you?
• Learn to forgive. Forgiving doesn't make you weak...it sets you free.
• Spend more time with like-minded people. Surround yourself with people who make you want to be your best self.
• Do a random act of kindness daily. It doesn't take much effort. Give up that parking space, let someone in line ahead of you at the checkout, offer a smile to someone who walks past you. You'll be amazed at how it makes you feel.
• Stop procrastinating. It's such a huge waste of time. Just get it done and move on.
• Declutter your space at the office, in your home, in your car, in your yard. Just 5 minutes a day and you'll feel such a huge relief.
• Try something new. Take a different route to work, try a new hobby, learn a new skill. Try a new food. You might like it!
• Don't settle for a job you don't like, for friends who make you feel incompetent or undervalued, a weight you're unhappy with. Go after what you want.
• Enjoy the little things...ice cream on a hot day, watching the sunrise, the breeze in your face, a warm toasty fire on a cold wintery night.
• Take a break. Don't run so fast and hard that you forget why you're running. Slow down and just be still on occasion.
• Stop trying to change people. The only person you can really change is yourself.
• Loosen up. Dance in the rain, sing at the top of your voice, run barefoot through the grass, swing high in that swing in the park. Everyone needs fun in their life.
• Do something scary. Fears keep us in the same place and keep us from growing. It may still be scary, but it's SO empowering to overcome that fear!
• Don't allow yourself to become overwhelmed. Take one step, make one change, live one day at a time. Life is a marathon, not a sprint; pace yourself accordingly.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times...life is too short for regrets!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

They're Good For A Lot of Things...But That's Not One Of Them

I eat a boiled egg...every day. It's been that way for years now. I just like them. They taste yummy and they're a great source of protein. I got sucked into the "too many eggs is bad for your health" crap for years, but then I decided so what? I like them. They're convenient, inexpensive, take up very little space (in the fridge and in my stomach lol!) and my opinion is the only one that matters. If I die, I die happy. So far they haven't killed me...

Well, as a result of my daily consumption, I've peeled a lot of eggs, thrown away a massive amount of eggshell. And recently I started wondering if they're good for anything...like is there a life hack that I'm missing out on? Should I be saving all those eggshells for something really spectacular? So I did some research a google search and here's what I found:

Eggshells are good for: 

• Restoring your skin to younger, more youthful "glow"
• Abrasive compound for cleaning your tub or scrubbing pots and pans
• Unclogging drains
• Fertilizing your garden/deterring garden pests
• Fortifying your pet's food
• Scaring away slugs
• Sweetening your coffee
• Supplementing your chicken's feed
• A great source of calcium
• Sharpening the blades of your blender
• Making your own sidewalk chalk
• Arts/crafts such as Christmas ornaments, wall hangings and mobiles
• Boosting your cosmetics
• Making treats for wild birds
• Cleaning your garbage disposal

That's an interesting list, to say the least. I'm not sure I'd take any of those ideas at face value, but I noticed something that really caught my attention...

I didn't find any claim to the benefits of "walking on" eggshells. Nope. Not one time, in all of the links I followed. It was never listed. Ever.

You know the drill. Either you've experienced it, know someone who's experienced it, or maybe you're in that very situation as you're reading this:

Tip toe softly. Don't cause any commotion. Tread lightly and oh. so. carefully. You're anxious, nervous or worried about the other person's attitude or moods, anger, criticism, glares, finger pointing or stonewalling. There's a constant feeling of distress in the pit of your stomach. Nothing you do is ever good enough...YOU will never be good enough. The relationship is cold and standoffish. Disagreements may be minimal, but there's a "chill in the air". 

Yep. I was there. Years and years and years of my life wasted on those stupid "eggshells". Useless effort. Squandered time. And so much stress! It became habit, like I went into auto pilot/survival mode. And I became a coward. Fear and denial left me unwilling to speak up and say "Done. Tired. This isn't working for me. I'm not taking this crap anymore!" And what do I have to show for all that time gone by? NOTHING. Painful memories. Regret. Lost opportunities. Dreams and goals unfulfilled. However, the great news is...I gave it up about 5 years ago and I feel so free! Don't get me wrong...it wasn't easy. It was harsh. The committee in my head was relentless. My self esteem was shot. It was exhausting work. But I'm here. And I'm so grateful for the lessons I learned along the way:

1. My "10" is enough. My effort, while not perfect, is enough. I am enough. Notice I didn't say "good enough". I. AM. ENOUGH.
2. I am not responsible for anyone else’s “stuff”…including my husband, my children, my siblings, my friends, acquaintances and even strangers on the street. My feelings of sadness, anger, or discomfort of any degree, the result of  someone being unable or unwilling to resolve their issues, does not EVER give me license to take them on as my own. I AM NOT THAT POWERFUL!
3.  It is imperative that I take care of myself on every level. I have physical, emotional and spiritual needs that must be met. I cannot reach my potential or take care of my stewardships without being “my own best friend” first. I must hold myself accountable. I am not anyone else’s responsibility.
4. I have a voice. I owe it to myself and to others to use it.
5. I am the boss of me…including my thoughts, my feelings and my actions.
6.  I must pay attention…I cannot “drift” or “race” through life.
7. I am capable of "standing up", "stepping up", and "showing up".
8. I can't let fear rule my life. "I can do hard things".
9. I am allowed to feel peace.
10. I am capable of saying no.
11. Clear concise communication is essential to any healthy relationship. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
12. Boundaries are essential to my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
13. Courage, confidence, and integrity are essential to living in reality. Living in reality is essential to my emotional well-being. Denial is destructive.
14. Some of life's most rewarding moments are experienced outside of the "comfort zone".
15. "Growing" is hard and painful, and comes in such small increments that it is hardly noticeable...until enough time has passed...at which time  the evidence is most assuredly both encouraging and simply amazing.
16. I am worthy!

Growing and changing are hard, but SO WORTH IT!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Calculated Change!