F.E.A.R.

I haven't posted in awhile. There's been far too much drama trying to creep into my life and I'm exhausted from fighting to keep it out. I'm much too old and much too focused on making the best of my remaining time here to get wrapped up in such crap. There is absolutely no room for selfish words, toxic behavior, or ulterior motives in my life. I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to learn better ways and protect my own personal sense of well-being on every level.

This past week has been difficult as the 7th anniversary of a traumatizing and life changing event came calling like an unavoidable guest sitting on the front porch of my soul. My husband of then 26 years attempted suicide in a brutally horrific manner, losing nearly 1/2 of his blood in the process and ultimately failing in his attempt. It's painful for my heart and mind to relive the ordeal, but so healing emotionally to see just how far I've come in those 7 years. I seriously doubt the shock and pain will ever go away, but they do seem to have decreased in intensity with time, for which I am most grateful. I've done SO much hard work emotionally, in therapy and on my own. But, ultimately the progress has come due to the passing of time and the love and patience of my Father in Heaven as He's taught me how to shift my mindset, learn how to move forward, and accept the responsibility I have to forgive. Forgiving is a process, but I'm profoundly aware that it's more for my good than for the good of those I am asked to forgive.

Yesterday was my day to celebrate the "new" me with my #noFEAR theme...Forget Everything And Remember...remember who I am, where I've come from, the grace of God that has lead me to where I am today, and how incredibly thankful I am for the journey. My eldest daughter joins me in this day long event each year; amazingly, it was her idea to start this tradition 3 years ago and it has been one we will continue to treasure together. The day is always started with breakfast at a favorite restaurant where we enjoy an unhurried meal and an opportunity to revisit the "event", talk through the pain, and celebrate our victories in overcoming and healing through the past year. She is a wise soul and I cherish the fact that we have become dear forever friends. After breakfast, we find meaningful ways to spend our time reminiscing, and planning how we will move forward in the coming year. Her insight and perspective are amazing and I always leave at the end of the day wishing it would never end.

While there are individuals I've shared my story with, for the most part it's a secret I've kept to myself. Shame, and the guilt of disclosing the details of someone else's story have prevented me from going public. But, it's a part of me, a chapter in the story of MY life, and MINE to learn and heal from, as well as an opportunity to open my heart and offer true empathy and compassion to those who may have similar experience. Oh how I wish I'd had someone to turn to in the midst of my mess, someone who knew exactly what I was feeling, what I was thinking, how fear and anger, and confusion and guilt and shame swallowed me whole and threatened to ultimately destroy me. My life would have been blessed to know someone else who had survived it and come out with hope and healing and faith and courage on the other side.

Now that I'm on the other side, I'm humbled and grateful to know I can potentially be that person for someone else. And today, the burden and heaviness of secrecy is lifted as I openly share here. I am free. I am healing. And I am grateful for all I've learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life. I have a deep scar that will never go away, but I wear it without shame. It's a beautiful reminder of my strength, my courage, and the continued growth of my inner child toward the  beautiful, capable, and amazing woman she is becoming, and having so much to offer in the legacy I can now leave for those who come after me. And thanks be to God for His amazing love and patience, and for His grace He so willingly extends to me, a daughter He so valiantly fights for.

As my "new" year begins, I feel hopeful and renewed. I am becoming more and more appreciative of the good that comes from the difficult trials I experience in life. I am gaining courage and confidence in my ability to conquer and overcome the boulders of adversity that sometimes overwhelm me with setbacks and discouragement. And I'm ready to again move forward without delay.

I'm all in my friend! Are you with me?

Are You Happy Yet? Because I'm Exhausted

It began for me about the age of seven. It wasn't a conscious decision, but a necessary coping mechanism. Experience taught me that anger was ugly and sometimes terrifying. "Just keep everyone happy" became my silent mantra. This was a way for me to try and maintain as much control of my emotional environment as possible. Little did I understand how much of that control I was actually letting go of as my efforts eventually backfired, and my walls of personal protection eventually became a prison of self-inflicted powerlessness:

• I never had an opinion. Well, yes I did...but it changed with every person I had a conversation with. I was afraid of what they will think of me.

• I never had preferences, because I didn't want to stand out, all bare naked on the beach of popular consensus.

• I consistently hid behind my resentment, pretending all was well in my little corner of the world; I'd much rather keep the peace than drown in a colossal wave of confrontation.

• I constantly apologized, as though I'd yet to earn the air I breathed or the space I occupied.

• I never advocated for myself, because I felt unworthy of such compassion.

• I always avoided saying "no" because I panicked at the thought of making someone angry, or leaving them in an unresolved precarious dilemma.

• I consistently pushed myself to exhaustion because everybody was counting on me.

• I always proceeded with caution around people who seemed on edge, to avoid an explosive outburst.

• I constantly felt the need to explain myself.

• I frequently and  willingly, "took the blame" to keep the peace.

• I habitually criticized myself to make others look better or feel more worthy.

I felt so insignificant, and incapable. I couldn't see even one thing I had that might make a difference in the life of a single individual, let alone the world. I felt insecure around other people, who often appeared to have everything going for them. And that added greatly to my feeling that I was the lonely unfortunate victim of perpetual unhappiness and worthlessness. "It is what it is" was the message I fed my heart daily as I resigned myself to a skewed sense of a severely unfair fate over which I had no control.

Fast forward nearly 45 years. Through a series of events, I came to the realization that something had to change. Or I was going to self-destruct. It was overwhelming trying to decide where and how to begin. I spent a lot of time wandering around in my head, trying to decipher the code that would set me free. And I discovered the secret was with me all along. SELF-COMPASSION.

It was a huge struggle at first. I was so used to beating myself up emotionally, calling myself names like stupid, idiot, and sorry excuse for a human being. Because I lacked confidence, I sometimes undermined my efforts to succeed and I looked for excuses to convince myself I shouldn't even try. I was in the habit of focusing on everything wrong and negative in my life and diligently sought out people who would join my pity party. But, I found within me, the tiniest flicker of hope that maybe deep down there was enough courage pure and worthy, that would counteract the poison of doubt and discouragement that incessantly echoed in my head.

With practice, I learned to feed myself emotionally, with positive thoughts. I dug deep to find and claim my good qualities...kindness, a great sense of humor, trustworthiness, hard working, and loyalty to name a few. Every day, I looked for a positive quote that I could use to replace the loud overwhelming messages that frequently roared out of the lion of negativity in my head. I made a conscious effort to be graciously accepting of compliments from others, acknowledging the possibility that they could see something good within me I hadn't yet found. And I made a habit of cutting myself some slack when I did something stupid or embarrassing.

It's all getting easier with time. And I've discovered I'm much more like my own best friend than my own worst enemy. I still experience uncertainty, emotional and physical pain, hardship, discouragement, and fatigue. But there is happiness in my heart, a smile on my face, light in my eyes and peace in my soul. I actually love myself and who I'm becoming.

I'm a believer in self-compassion. And dedicated to making it priority for the rest of my life!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

God Has Granted Me That Blessing!

It's July and life has thrown me a curve ball once again. I'm beginning to see a pattern here. In July 2013 circumstances changed so drastically in my (chronically unhealthy) marriage that I finally separated myself physically, so I could heal myself emotionally. There's a whole lot of backstory there, but I'm not willing to share it here. Not much has changed in 6 years, so we are still separated.

In July 2016, I once again found myself in an upheaval of life circumstances, and moved out of state. It was an adjustment as I'd been in the same community for nearly 40 years. Moving to new surroundings brings a new "culture", and the task of getting to know people and places and new routines. It can be a bit overwhelming, but I had the luxury of time, and wonderful people, and beautiful scenery on my side. It didn't take long before I felt like I'd actually come home.

Now, here I am in July of 2019. Just a little over a month ago, life dealt me a few major blows...all at once. I'm now in my late 50's, seeking employment at minimum wage while trying to get a business off the ground, empty nesting by myself because I'm married to a man who is completely disconnected, and yet again, on my way to a brand new start in another community I am unfamiliar with. How does that sound for fair? It's not. My dad always said "Life wasn't meant to be fair". That was such an annoying thing to hear when I was young, But being a short 11 years from the age he was when he passed away, I see with more mature eyes and mind the truth of his unsolicited wisdom.

It's so easy to feel victimized by the mountains of adversity that suddenly appear out of nowhere; when there's no way to go around, instead of up and over such unpredictable and unfamiliar, treacherous, heaven bound peaks of affliction...especially when they appear to have lined up in a range of never ending pain and struggle. But it happens. So what are you gonna to do?

I used to feel sorry for myself. Spread the word like jam to bread, to anyone within earshot. It didn't matter if I knew you or not, if I thought you cared or not. My lamenting empowered my victim mentality, and I felt validated in my misery. But that, my friend, did nothing for getting me through the hard stuff. It trapped me in a mindset that served me about as well as quicksand.

Complaining was toxic. It actually made things look worse in the long run. I found it easy to blow things out of proportion. And the worse they appeared, the worse I felt. It became a viscous cycle. I fed my complaints, which in turn fed my negativity. My focus was so fixed on could and should, that my anxiety went through the roof. I lost my perspective, bypassing my ability to look at what I could and couldn't control, leaving me in a spin of anger, sadness, disappointment, and self-pity. And to what end? Unnecessary stress and complete misery.

You want to know what works better? Staying in the present moment. Shutting my mouth and opening my mind AND my heart. Counting my blessings. That's a crock of poop to some of you. But it's the poopy truth. STOP. BE STILL. QUIT COMPLAINING. Sit down. Pick up a pen and put it to paper. Write down all of the good things in your life...the people that love you, the things that are going right, the positives that get you through the day. Stop lying to yourself and to everyone around you. Take off your crown drama queen. And get real. Your mom was right. There ARE people in this world who are A LOT WORSE OFF than you.

Yes, I'm taking my own advice. I've discovered good things about this new mountain I'm climbing:

• I'll always have a roof over my head. God has granted me that blessing.
• Regardless of how my husband does or doesn't feel about me, I'm surrounded by people...friends and loved ones...who love and adore me. God has granted me that blessing.
• This is an opportunity to meet new people. I LOVE people! God has granted me that blessing.
• I'm up for a fresh start! God has granted me that blessing.
• I have an opportunity to learn new skills. God has granted me that blessing.
• I'll be able to shop at my favorite grocery store! God has granted me that blessing.
• I have a car that runs well. God has granted me that blessing.
• If I need them, there are multiple modes of public transportation. God has granted me that blessing.
• I'll have a whole new pool of contacts for networking in my business. God has granted me that blessing.
• 3 of my 4 children, and all of my grandchildren will be a short 2 hours away. God has granted me that blessing.
• I will still be close to the mountains I have come to love! God has granted me that blessing.
• I will be surrounded by family support. God has granted me that blessing.
• I will have my own safe space. God has granted me that blessing.
• I won't have to battle with loneliness. God has granted me that blessing.
• I am filled with tremendous inner peace. God has granted me that blessing.

Reality is, everyone has hard stuff. Everyone has a story. But it's not a competition. We don't need to outdo others with the details of our hardships, our traumas, or our day to day problems. We need more compassion...for ourselves and for each other. But it has to start with you. And with me. I'm committed to calling on my courage, climbing without complaint, and extending compassion to myself and my fellow earthlings. We are all in this together!💜

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Why Are You Carrying That Around With You?

"MOM! What are you doing???!!!" my daughter yelled so loud it shook me to the core. She was excited and I was excited for her. We were chatting and giggling as we headed to the neighborhood pet store to buy her a fish and a tank with all of the needed accessories. She'd been asking me for a long time and I was finally about to make it happen. But I wasn't paying attention and the signal light turned red...right before I went through the intersection, swerving to avoid broadsiding another car headed toward us from the other direction with horn blaring and tires screeching. We could have died...or at least been seriously injured. I replayed that near miss in my head for the entire rest of the day. I was shaken, freaked out, completely embarrassed, and ashamed that I'd let myself become so distracted at what could have been an unbearable cost.

Mistakes. I've made plenty of them in my 50+ years of life. Some were out of carelessness...accidents if you will, while others were intentional choices I made that turned out regretfully poor results. Either way, mistakes have always been a sore spot for me. I hate admitting that I've made them. I'd much rather "sweep them under the rug" and pretend they never happened.  Keeping them to myself seems the best option at the time, but eventually the shame and humiliation wreaks havoc until I can't help but bring it out and deal with it. Bringing it all back to the surface is ugly and painful and sometimes even sickening. However, it's akin to opening up a wound and cleaning it out to get rid of the infection. If left "untreated" it leads to worse problems than the mistake itself.

While rehashing and reflecting are a necessary part of helping us avoid similar mistakes in the future, they can become a seriously debilitating problem if allowed to spiral out of control. But how does one avoid that?

• Take the "self-judgement" component out of it. Instead of labeling yourself as stupid, incompetent, or foolish, delete those thoughts immediately and replace them with questions like "What can I learn from this?" or "How can I do better next time?" This will take practice. You'll have to be intentional and consistent. But it will work. Perhaps writing down your answers will be helpful in processing these questions.
• Distract and redirect your thoughts. Get back to what  your were doing before the details of the mistake invaded your brain. If it's bedtime and you're hopelessly unable to get to sleep because you can't stop thinking about what happened, change your worrisome thoughts to something neutral that doesn't involve emotion (counting sheep by 3's, reciting the alphabet backwards, naming all 50 states etc). You may need to redirect several times...stand your ground. Don't cave in.
• Set a specific time and place for processing and reflecting on your mistake. I'm not telling you don't think about it. Remember you need to think about it with a plan for resolve in mind.  Setting specifics about when and where to process will set a healthy boundary and keep your thoughts from getting out of control. Get a journal and put your reflections in writing. Typing on the computer isn't as productive as writing out the words, the worries, the concerns...or your resolve. Writing takes effort and concentration and helps to internalize what you're thinking. Typing can easily be done mindlessly while your brain gets distracted. Choose the pen and paper!
• Confide in someone you trust. Letting it out, confronting the shame and embarrassment with someone you trust will ultimately help put things into proper perspective: You're not the only one who makes mistakes, your mistake probably isn't as bad as you think it was, there's always someone who has screwed up worse than you did, and this probably won't be the last time you make a mistake. This is one situation I can think of where competition makes me feel a little bit better...you know that "Well you think that's bad, guess what I did?" conversation...If someone else can "outdo" me with their "horrible mistake" story I'm a little quicker to cut myself some slack.

Sometimes we are our own worst critic. We are harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else. That's not really fair. We are ALL human. What makes you so special? Really. You're no less prone to mistakes, intentional or not, than the next person. Get over yourself and be kind. Be gentle with yourself. Say and do nice things for yourself. Be your own best friend and advocate strongly for the "judge" (yourself) to give you a break because you've learned a lesson and you deserve another chance. Own it, learn from it and let it go.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Stop Feeding Yourself That Crap!

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of "being" a lot of things when I grew up. The list changed frequently as I was introduced to new and amazing thoughts about what I could actually be when I became a grown up...a nurse, an organist, an astronaut, a mom of at least a dozen children, an artist for Disney Studios. Of course, when you're a little tyke the time between birthdays passes about as quickly as a slug moving through a mess of thick dark slimy mud; thus the thought of actually reaching the long anticipated status of adult was well beyond my comprehension. But I day dreamed about it frequently anyway.

About the time I hit 9th grade and started high school, my fascination with adulthood and all of it's dreamy possibilities was replaced with a panic that knew no boundaries. I'd been through some pretty harsh life experiences by then and had become a shy, withdrawn, shadow of the optimistic child I had once been. Graduation came much more quickly than those birthdays I had once longed for, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and surrender to the fear and dread that filled my lonely confused heart and mind.

The next 7 years were spent trying to prove (mostly to myself) that I was lovable...or at least likable. I went out of my way to try and be "the life of the party". Not really partying...but more or less vying for the popularity and acceptance I had seen bestowed upon others in the past as I watched silently from afar. I wasn't big headed, or full of myself...I just wanted desperately to feel like more than the worthless sorry excuse for a human being that I felt like. So, I faked my way out of my loneliness. I worked hard at making friends, appearing to be happy with my life, and creating an atmosphere of fun and laughter. I watched a lot of my friends leave for college as I settled for a few semesters at the local community college. I had no idea what I wanted to study...I just went for the sake of being able to say I was doing something with my life. I had some serious crushes, but dated only once in a blue moon. I held down a few different minimum wage jobs, but they were all dead ends as far as being able to find my place in the work force. At one point I quit my job and moved out of state, hoping a change in scenery would solve my problems and offer solutions of hopeful progress and direction in life. But after 6 months, I went "home" and took up where I left off. By this time many of my friends were marrying and starting families and I was back to looking for new people to spend time with.

Eventually I married. I continued working part-time until our first child was born 15 months later. Fast forward 26 years, 3 more children, a lot of heartache and unhappiness in my own personal life, and finally a trauma that "blew the house down". I was 51 years old...and had nothing to show for it. I had failed that little girl who once dreamed so big and so boldly. Or so I thought.

Today nearly 6 years later, I've worked my butt off to become who I am today. I'm still not a nurse, an organist (although I've taught myself some piano and guitar skills!), an astronaut, a mom to a dozen children (but I have 4 kiddos that I love and adore!), or an artist for Disney Studios (however, I've taught myself some pretty amazing artistic skills!)...but I've awakened once more that ability to dream big and bold! My dreams and goals are not quite so ambitious, but I do believe I can accomplish ANYTHING I put my mind to...and I've opened my mind to move past the barriers and limitations I'd placed on myself in my "pre-trauma" life. Yes, sadly it was the trauma that changed everything for me. I'd been shattered, and "stripped" of everything...including my self-inflicted limitations.

So why did I...why do any of us...put limitations on ourselves?

• We've landed in a "failure" mindset: When we fall down a few times it's much harder to get back up again. It's too easy to succumb to mental or maybe even physical exhaustion. I've found for myself this is especially true when I'm not taking care of my most basic needs. I let myself slide because I'm in the habit and mindset of putting everyone else first. And pretty soon I'm not even last on the list. I'm not on the list at all. I can't do it. It's not working. I quit. I'm too tired to stand up again.
• Fear gets the best of us: That could be fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of new and different or unfamiliar, fear of failing, or even fear of success (Yep. It's real. I've been there). Fear leads to procrastination or avoidance, which ultimately leads to nothing nowhere.
• We have limiting beliefs about ourselves: I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, good enough, worthy enough...you can insert ANY word in there to make it work for you (translation: to make it not work for you). I am not ___________ enough. This is completely destructive to reaching goals or making dreams a reality...but only YOU can change it.
• We lack hope and/or belief in ourselves and our capabilities: Sometimes we AREN'T enough for what we would like to accomplish, but that shouldn't stop us from educating ourselves, acquiring sufficient information or experience, or trying to learn a new skill. I'm discovering for myself...you are never too old to make life happen. If you can dream it, you can learn it and do it!
• We forget our "why": You know, that reason deep down inside of you that pushes and encourages and drives you. That's your why. It's why you wake up, why you go to your job, why you take care of your family, why you keep going when you feel the urge to quit. If you've lost you why, do some digging. It's there. It just needs to be rediscovered and reignited. It doesn't matter how long it's been. If you look hard enough you'll discover it's there; it never went away.

Life is too short to live in regret. Let the past be the past. Wake up to the reality of your present, and choose to have a huge say in your future! It's yours. It doesn't belong to anyone else. You alone are responsible for your happiness, the realization of your dreams, and what you make of your life. Live fully. Dream big. And die happy knowing you lived happy and loved fiercely. Don't waste your time on toxic people and avoid drama like the plague. These are my new rules for life!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Suck It Up Or Dance In It...You Choose

I've had the life sucked out of me. Again. It's so hard to hold my head up and go through my daily routine. My body feels weak and shaky. I have no energy. There are things I feel I MUST tend to, but it takes so little to wear me out and send me to my bed for rest. The hours between the early morning light that drifts through my window each morning, and the time that twilight finally settles in, seem endless. I have no energy for small talk, for problem solving, for planning, for little more than opening my eyes to face yet another day. I feel sad and angry, and hurt and disappointed, and a loneliness that is much more encompassing than I've ever experienced before. Fear and hopelessness and darkness hover over me, but I'm not willing to let them take up residence in my head. I see what they are capable of; I will not allow myself to fall victim to their destructive ways. I've witnessed others mindlessly drift to the point of no return; I'm not even willing to take the first step on that path. I get depression. It surrounds me on every side, and threatens to suffocate me. But I will give it zero opportunity to destroy me...not even second hand.

I know you probably think I'm full of myself. How dare I think I'm so invincible and powerful. Think what you may. But the truth is it's a choice. Really. I can choose to dwell on my problems, my sucky life, my traumatic experiences, the unfairness of my circumstances, my sadness and loneliness, my health issues,  the way I'm treated by others, and all the other crap that gets relentlessly flung at me. Or I can take responsibility for how I handle what comes my way. 

Reality check: The universe has nothing against me. God is not punishing me. I am not undeserving of being treated with kindness and respect. I am not a worthless pile of crap that somehow mistakenly ended up where I'm at physically OR emotionally in my life. I haven't been dealt a lousy hand. Bad things happen to bad people...and good people. I am not exempt from pain, tragedy, disappointment, health crises, financial ruin, bad luck, or misfortune of any kind. Sometimes Much of the time, life sucks. But I CHOOSE whether or not to cope, how to cope, and how long to cope. I choose whether to be humble and reachable, or pridefully surround myself with an impenetrable wall and suffer silently, or shamelessly loud enough for everyone to witness. And NO ONE can take that choice away from me.

If you're looking for a perfect life you're in for a severe disappointment. Give it up. Change your expectation. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself:

• Get outside of yourself. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than you. And there is NO exception to that rule. Look for them and do something to lighten their burden. You can't take their crap away, but you can add a little sunshine.
• Count your blessings. There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Look for it until you find it. Write it down and put it where you can be reminded of it EVERY single day.
• Take a break from social media. Everyone's life is falsely portrayed (intentional or not) to be much better than yours is. Don't fall into that trap. We ALL have crap.
• Set a goal to change something about you or about your life that you CAN change. Learn to take the rest in stride and move on.
• Reach out for support. Friends, family, church clergy, neighbors...let them into your circle and try letting at least one of them into your heart.
• Change up your routine. Sometimes doing just one thing differently makes all the difference in your attitude and helps give you a fresh perspective.

Life is tough. But you don't have to let it destroy you.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

What's Your Why?

A few weeks ago, I sat down to do some work on my laptop and soon after saw a "low power" message pop up on the screen. I stopped and quickly proceeded to plug the cord first into the jack, with the other end plugged firmly into the nearest electrical outlet. I was set to continue with my project. I was making great progress until, about 15 minutes later, it just shut down without any warning. "WHAT IS GOING ON??!!", I said out loud in exasperation. Only months before I spent a small fortune to purchase this laptop as the one I'd had previously just up and quit on me and could not be salvaged. Checking that the cord was still plugged securely into the jack, I was puzzled...until I looked over and realized it had been pulled from the socket in the wall. I had stretched the cord a little too far, eventually causing a a disconnect from the source it relied on for power. It could only sustain itself for a short period before it shut down, having become completely useless.

Just as I overstretched the power cord, I used to stretch myself too thin. I said yes to everyone and everything. I wasn't just last on the list. Most days I wasn't even on the list. I was so tired physically, emotionally and spiritually my needs were not being met. My dreams got shoved into a dark hole so I wouldn't have to feel guilty about not making them become a reality. I was known as "so and so's sister, mother, or daughter" but I'd lost my own identity. Beyond mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend...I was lost and I felt so empty.

So what's changed? I "crashed and burned" on every level. I literally had nothing more to give...not even to myself. Out of desperation, and with excruciating effort, I began making small changes. Now 5 years later, I matter. I'm not just on the list...I'm at the top of the list. I'm no longer functioning in auto pilot. I get out of bed every day with purpose, with a reason for being, with a fire in my belly that motivates me to be, to inspire, to make a difference in my own little corner of the world! I've "plugged in" to my sources of power that give me strength and energy, and motivation and encouragement:

• I pay attention to what I put in my body: No, every meal isn't perfect, nor is every day ideal, but I make a conscious effort to be more aware of what I eat. More fruits and vegetables, less sugar and fat, less junk food, more water. I'm not aiming to be skinny, but I am aiming to be a healthier version of me. This one little decision has led to some pretty amazing changes in my health...issues that have caused me a lot of anxiety and discomfort over decades. 
• I exercise: Just 20-30 minutes 3-5 times a week. Any thing will do. Nothing fancy. Nothing hard. Nothing strenuous. Sometimes I'm by myself. Sometimes I'm with a friend. 
• I read/listen to books on personal development: These inspire me, help me to see areas of my life in which I can make adjustments and improvements. I'm seeking to be the best I can be, looking to contribute in some small way to the human race. Some of these books are simply motivational, written by people who have become successful in life in one way or another. Others are stories of real people who have overcome adversity, used their challenges to aspire to become something no one believed they could become, or learned to fine tune their self-discipline to  help them reach a goal or make a dream come true. They created a purpose, found their "why" they were put on the planet and worked hard to put it into action. I'm pleased to say I've finally found my "why". That's what gets me out of bed every morning!
• I'm developing talents: I started at the age of forty-three finding ways to teach myself things I'd always wanted to learn...playing the piano, drawing portraits, crocheting, and playing the guitar just to name a few. Because I'm not doing this for anyone but me, it brings me joy! My down time is filled with amazing enjoyable activity. And...I'm NEVER EVER bored. My grandma was an amazing artist. But she didn't start taking lessons until she was in her late 60's. It's never too late to start.
• I set boundaries: This is my life. I am responsible for, and deserving of, the decision for who I interact with, what kind of people I surround myself with, and how much of my time I spend with/on them. There's A LOT less stress and drama in my life when I pay attention to relationships of every kind on every level. I work hard to have an attitude of servitude, to be patient and kind, to be friendly and give people the benefit of the doubt. However, I refuse to be a door mat, to take any kind of abuse, to be controlled or used for any other human being's self-serving purposes. I am important, and just as deserving of love and respect as anyone else. But...that love and respect has to come from me first, before I can expect to receive it from anyone else. 
• I have a morning devotional every single day: This is a minimum of 30 minutes to myself to pray and read scriptures. I believe wholeheartedly that there is divine interaction in my life. I purposefully seek guidance, direction, comfort and encouragement from Heaven...and quietly listen so I can receive it. No, my life isn't any easier, nor am I without problems, trials and difficulty because of it. But there is internal peace no matter how much external turmoil there is around me. I am a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, grandmother and friend because I put God first.
• I talk kindly to myself: I try not to say anything I wouldn't say to people I love. I cut myself some slack, I allow myself to make mistakes, I show myself compassion and I recognize some days are going to be crap days. I don't expect perfection from anyone else. Why would I expect it of myself?
• I listen to uplifting music: Music calms my soul, centers me, regulates my breathing and my heartbeat, lowers my stress level, promotes a feeling of happiness, puts a skip in my step, and soothes my brain.
• I count my blessings: Every day I try to find something to be grateful for...sometimes it's a miracle I've witnessed, other times it something as simple as the ability to walk or see, or having a roof over my head, and a soft warm bed to sleep in. Gratitude helps me to stay grounded and keep my attitude out of the toilet.

Being plugged in is crucial to good physical, emotional and spiritual health. It's imperative if you're committed to living with purpose. Wouldn't it be sad to come to the end of your life wondering what might have been? Life isn't a popularity contest, nor is it about being a martyr, or running yourself into the ground under the guise of fixing and rescuing everyone around you. Life is about living, leaving a legacy, planting hope and peace and joy in the hearts of those you love and connect with. No one can do it for you. Choose happiness. Choose to be positive. Choose to smile. Choose to find your "why". Choose to find and plug in to your sources of power!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Biggest Thief in Life

I remember like it was yesterday when my three oldest children were tiny. The days were long and hard and my kiddos required so much of my time and attention. I woke up early every morning and before my feet hit the floor, I was already strategizing my plan for surviving until nap time. That's all the further my brain could take me. There was no thought of cleaning or laundry or what to cook for dinner; just the agonizing anticipation of a nap, though the laundry and cleaning and dinner preparation all happened rather haphazardly. I heard often from more seasoned and experienced mothers that I should cherish this time in my life; they may as well have suggested finding joy in herding cats, or taking a swarm of bumble bees for a lovely day at the park. I couldn't figure out how to cherish meeting our $600 health insurance deductible in the month of January, the anxiety of being separated from a child who'd mysteriously wandered out of sight, being down with the stomach flu while my littles ran through the house like a tornado, the sudden full blown tantrums in the grocery store, or the 300,000,000 sleepless nights sitting up with one who refused to go to sleep.

Of course some days were easier than others. There were moments of giggles and laughter, squeals of joy at the anticipation of a play date, time well spent settling in with a favorite movie and treat, and scores of birthdays and holidays well celebrated. But these were not the norm...they were merely the moments that made the mostly difficult reality a little more bearable. I longed for the day when my children would be more self reliant, less needy and demanding. But I soon realized with older children came a whole different set of worries, concerns and demands...and certainly no less physical or emotional exhaustion.

Why is it  we lust for future comfort, for the next chapter in our lives? I think it's too easy to jump into anticipation of what's to come; sometimes that's to prepare, to set goals, to have something to look forward to, but my experience tells me much of the time it's looking forward to being done with my unfavorable miserable circumstances, moving on to something much more desirable, the reality  of my future I've observed with my rose colored glasses. But life throws wrench after stupid wrench in the plans I have for my "perfect" life. And if I'm not careful I get caught in the tangled web of "my life sucks" and "everyone has it better than me!" 

So how does one learn to find joy in the moment? Let me share a few things I've learned:

1. Adopt a mantra. Sounds corny? You really should give it a try. Find a quote or saying that really speaks to you then put it on your mirror, or hang it on the wall by your bed. Say it OUT LOUD at least 10 times a day and it will eventually become a part of your thought process. Here are a couple of my favorites: "Come what may and love it!" and "Embrace the suck!" My cousin recently shared that last one with me. (Thanks Angela!)
2. Slip into the "end zone".  Shut your mind down. Just for a few minutes quit thinking about your present circumstances, or worrying about the future. Turn it off. Let it rest. You'll be amazed at the difference that reset makes. No, your problems won't disappear. Your "stuff" will still have to be dealt with. But it WILL make a difference, at least temporarily, in your ability to find some peace.
3. Lighten up. Look for something to smile or laugh about. When my son was 3, and learning to dress himself, he came to me one morning super excited about his shirt. "Is my shirt on backwards?" he asked with a twinkle in his eyes. "Nope" was all I replied. And with that he jumped into the air and clapped his little hands "I did it!", he exclaimed with great enthusiasm. "It's wards!" "It's what?" I asked feeling a little confused. "It's wards! It's not backwards! It's wards!!" That made me laugh right out loud and his enthusiasm for what I saw to be such a little thing impacted the rest of my morning. Try it. It's amazing what a little laughter can do.
4. Lie down and "melt like butter". Seriously, close your eyes and start at the top of your head. Imagine every part of you in turn, melting like butter. This is something I used with my children when they had a stomachache or a headache. It worked like magic to get the pain under control and they  were better able to rest.
5. Get up and move! Just 5 minutes is all it takes. Just a little walk down the street or around your office or around your house if that's all you can manage. Movement helps the blood to flow and aids in clearing your mind and heart of stress or emotional distress. Get that blood pumping and you'll begin to feel a little better.
6. Express gratitude. I know it probably sounds a little trite. But have you tried it lately? Write a thank you note. Send a text. Make a phone call. I'm sure there's someone who's graced your day with kindness. Make a list of blessings, of all the things that are going right in your life. Make a list of all the people you love and appreciate. It's a "love lift" for your heart. "It's not happy people who are grateful, it's grateful people who are happy." I have no idea who said that, but I really like it!
7. Practice awareness. Have you noticed the sun come out behind the clouds? Noticed the simple beauty of a field of flowers? Felt the rain on your face? Noticed how warm your heart feels when someone gives you a hug or holds your hand? Have you listened to the laughter of the neighborhood children or taken time to take in the scent of your favorite lotion or your spouse's cologne or perfume? How about savoring that luscious bite of ice cream or the crazy yummy taste of that slice of homemade bread? Tune in. Engage ALL of your senses. Be completely aware of your surroundings and what's going on around you. And while you're at it...breathe long and deep.
8. Listen. All around you there are people who are worse off than you are. You hear it on the news, see it all over social media, probably have some friends or neighbors going through a pretty difficult challenge. Let your heart feel that compassion. If it's someone close, express your love and desire for their circumstances to improve. Find someone to pray for. Prayer is healing not only for the one needing the healing, but also for the one doing the praying.
9. Spend time with your pet. Animals have a way of providing comfort and peace. They are quick to curl up in your lap and their love is unconditional. They just love you because you are. If you have a pet, let them spoil you with love and attention. It's as good for them as it is for you. 
10. Do something nice for yourself. Nope, that's not selfish. It's called excellent self-care. Take time out for a bubble bath, a warm shower, a good book, a long walk, a piece of chocolate, a favorite movie, time with a friend, a hobby...anything you like and appreciate. Don't let yourself get lost in the crowd. When everyone else comes first, you don't "come at all". You're never last. You'e just forgotten...sitting on the shelf of life waiting for attention. If you don't give it, no one else will. It's not anyone else's responsibility. Try it. Every day. Your heart, your mind, your family, your coworkers and your inner child will thank you!

Looking forward in anticipation of the next phase, the better circumstance, the easier times, truly is the biggest thief in life. Don't let anticipation steal your happiness or well-being. There is always something to smile about. 

Find it!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Drowning in Truth

When I was a child, I loved to sing; not because I thought I was any good at it...it just made my heart happy. It wasn't an obsession; I just put my heart and soul into every opportunity to let the notes burst out of my mouth and ring in the air. As a Primary child (in the LDS faith), I really enjoyed learning the words to, and singing new songs. Music class in elementary school was a highlight of my week. I looked forward with great anticipation to inviting my parents to the concerts scheduled in the spring each year, at which we performed the songs we had memorized and worked to perfect under the direction of some patient and somewhat hopeful music teachers.

The evening of my sixth grade concert was no different. I arrived on time and waited patiently in the classroom feeling super pumped about the chance to shine brilliantly for my family in this performance! As we left the classroom and headed into the gym to take our assigned places on the bleachers, I couldn't stop the excitement I felt from bursting into a smile that betrayed my eleven year old attempt to appear calm and composed. "A word of caution", whispered the skinny dark haired girl to my left. "You can move your mouth, but don't let any sound come out. You don't sound so good when you sing". And suddenly, I didn't feel so much like singing. Ever. Again.

This is a hard subject for me to write about. It's not about singing; it's about all of the things that come to mind, many of which are too painful for me to share. Some are traumatic and bring to the surface emotions that easily get out of control. There are a few that are embarrassing; and no matter how hard I work to convince myself that I've learned and changed because of choices I've made or difficult experiences I've had,  my mind and heart are again flooded with horrible feelings of shame. Like the rest of you, my life is filled with moments and choices that I'm not proud of...that I'd really rather forget. There are also physical flaws, personal problems, weaknesses, emotional and physical scars, and devastating losses that sit as comfortably with me as a herd of elephants in my "room of life". I used to feel like a pile of mismatched emotional and physical pieces and parts organized and carefully put together to create the best outcome one could expect "with what was available". But not anymore.

I've decided to get real and swallow some humbling practicalities:

• What you think of me is none of my business: No one knows my story, my thought processes, the deepest desires of my heart, or my real intentions. And I need to be at peace with that. Life is too short to worry about what someone else might be thinking about how I look, how I act, how perfect I am or am not, whether or not I deserve the life I have, the car I drive or the home I live in. The only one who can rightfully judge me is God. I am His business.
• What I need to change about me...is up to me: Yes, there are probably more than a few annoying things about my personality, my lifestyle, my habits and even my attitude. But "if it's to be...it's up to me". If I don't want to change, don't see a need for change, or can't see a way to change, that's mine; and the responsibility for any fall-out is mine.
• It's not good to hang around toxic people: They have too much influence on my thinking and my emotional health, and hinder my ability to act and/or react independently of their self serving rules and expectations.
• My weaknesses can actually be used as strengths: Emotions such as fear and anger can actually fuel a desire in me to take a necessary action I may not have had the courage to take otherwise. My shyness (yes, I'm somewhat shy) helps me to be better about reaching out to people who may feel anxious or intimidated by new surroundings or experiences. 
• Change is hard, but so rewarding: Instead of beating myself up about things I don't like about me, I can figure out how to change and be kind to myself in the process. The payoff is usually much more than I imagined it could/would be. To look back and see how far I've come is an amazing, encouraging experience. And the good news is I only have to compare my past self to my present self...it doesn't matter who is better or not up to par with my own progress.
• Hard stuff is an unchangeable part of my story: We all have secrets, parts of our history, our challenges, and our physical makeup that we don't usually want to make public. But, we can't deny them or pretend they just don't exist. Sloths are the slowest mammals on earth. They average movement of about 125 ft in a single day. While it might be really frustrating to hang around those painfully slow creatures, if I understood the reason for their behavior (their lean herbivorous diet demands that they conserve energy) I might be a little more understanding and sympathetic...cut them some slack. Likewise, some of my physical attributes, my traumatic experiences, my character flaws may be less than desirable, but if I choose to embrace them...cut myself some slack...it's a little easier to find the joy and enjoy the journey.

I now recognize AND embrace the fact that all of the trauma, the embarrassment, the shame, my choices and life experiences, my character weaknesses and physical flaws, my losses, and my physical and emotional scars have been significant AND essential to my becoming who I am today. They are MY truths, held permanently in place by pillars of self-compassion, unbreakable courage, relentless vigilance, and unbelievable strength. I am proud to be the culmination of the past, present, and future chapters of the story of my life. I pledge to own it and honor it in all of it's imperfection and unfairness, and uncertainty.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I Was Meant To Be With You

When I was in elementary school, my family moved around a lot. Before I'd finished 6th grade (middle school, or junior high as it was called back then, included grades 7-9), my family had lived in 2 different states, 3 different communities and 5 different homes...and I'd attended a total of 5 schools. I was a shy child who didn't connect with friends very easily; this made life a bit complicated, which in turn gave me great anxiety. I didn't have the wherewithal to question my life's circumstances, nor did I feel I had much choice in the matter. "Keep your mouth shut and go with the flow"...that was my "self-talk" from a very early age. "Take what life throws at you", I told myself, "and whatever happens, happens. Don't make waves. Keep the peace. Put a smile on your face and hope for the best". 

While sitting in Mr. Eagan's 5th grade classroom at the close of one pretty ordinary school day, I took a piece of paper and a pencil from my desk, and randomly decided to calculate the ages of all the members of my family the year I was to graduate from high school; there were 8 of us, including my two parents: hmmm...47, 44, 24, 21, 18, 16, 12 and 8. Wow! My parents will be old! And that was that. It never entered my mind to go a little further down that road: And then what? What will I do after high school? What occupation will I be interested in pursuing? What kind of car will I drive? Where will I live? Who will I marry? How many children will we have? What will I be like when I'm as old as my parents? There was very little in the way of pondering and planning; life was not an adventure over which I had any say, but rather something that happened to me...something to be endured.

When I actually graduated from high school, I felt lost. The prospect of adulthood had toyed with me, but came upon me as unexpectedly as a cat ending his game of chase with a sudden pounce of sheer determination and exact precision. Circumstances forced me to take actions I was ill prepared for, and I was thrown head first into the unbridled whirlpool of my reality.

I attended a community college with no end game in mind. I took classes that would still leave me unprepared for a solid future; every day was the same...get up, go to class, go home and study, work at a minimum wage dead end job for a few hours, go home and go to bed. I "lived" for the weekend, but even then I really had no idea what to do with myself. A friend and I decided to attend an out-of-state junior college. I obtained the application, filled it out, turned it in, and got accepted. But I never went; I hadn't even thought far enough ahead to consider how I'd get there, let alone how to pay for it.

Fast forward thirty-five years, in which time I'd survived a lot of crap and trauma, loved with all the intensity my heart had to offer, and matured well past the age my parents were when I'd graduated from high school. But in all that time, I never dreamed. I never planned. Life happened...I just took it as it came, an hour, a week, a year at a time, anxiously watching it unfold from the sidelines.

Until about a year ago...

I'm not sure what happened...maybe it's the realization that over half a century of my life has passed...the majority of my mortal existence is done and gone. Perhaps I'm too old to be so afraid of the unknown anymore. Or I suppose, it's because I've learned there's no room for regrets. Whatever the case, I've come to the realization that it's never too late to take the reins. I'm never going to be too old to dream...to make something  specific happen in my life. I choose to be the master of my fate. Me and my destiny...we were meant to be together. My dreams are now much different than they would have been in my youth. The door of opportunity is in a different location, and the road to success has changed course, but I have an opinion, a desire, a say in how the rest of my life plays out. And, I can't wait to see how it all comes together! (My ten year old self would be so proud!)

I'm all in! Are you with me?

She's Never Coming Back

I've heard the term "mid-life crisis" pretty much all of my life. As a teenager, I really couldn't wrap my brain around what that meant. In my early 20's I understood what it meant, but thought it was a little ridiculous that someone well into their adult years would suddenly feel unsettled with where they were in life and make drastic changes to be or do something different. Now I'm in my 50's; while I'm not freaking out and acting crazy trying to recreate myself, I have over the past 5 years pondered deeply "when my life comes to an end, what will I be remembered for? What will be my legacy? What difference or impact will I have made in my little cobweb covered corner of the world?" And I think I've found the answer. I want to be a leader. 

In my youth was painfully shy; the last thing on my mind was the possibility of being a leader in anything. I was a skinny kid with buck teeth, horn rimmed glasses, mousy brown shoulder length hair and the personality of a flea bitten dog...uncomfortable in my own skin, easily distracted, and not much fun to be around.

In my early adult years, I was fearful; afraid of change, afraid to stretch and try something new. I was apprehensive about jumping into anything hard, risky, unknown, or demanding. I was committed to stand firm and unmovable in the confines of my comfort zone, and avoided anyone who suggested stepping out of it, like the plague. My life was miserable, but at least it was predictable.

Five years ago life as I knew it came to an end; I was forced to stand independently, to think solely for myself, to make life changing decisions on my own, to take risks, to face the unknown. I stared fear in the face, courage became my new best friend, and desperation to avoid drowning in the tumultuous sea of life became my driving force. 

Eleven months ago, I came up on a business opportunity that intrigued me. It sounded like enough of a challenge to be adventurous and rewarding, but not too overwhelming. I jumped in "head first" with the enthusiasm of a young child let loose in a Disney theme park, feeling like my "pot of gold" lay just on the other end of a gloriously breathtaking rainbow. Very quickly, however, I realized just how naive I was in my thinking and in my approach.

It didn't take long before discouragement and disappointment set in; I felt sheepish, and several times nearly crumbled at the feet of failure and humiliation. But there was one tiny spark inside me that seemed to shout "Don't you quit! It's not over yet! Hang on! You can do this! Just wait and see!" So I hung on. Every single day I got out of bed and spent time trying to decide what to do differently. I fought hard against discouragement and depression and frustration and anxiety and fear. Some days I felt hopeful, but most days I felt like the mountain was too hard to climb. And then one day I came across this quote: 

BAM! It was like a switch flipped inside my head and I had a complete change of mindset. No one (including myself!) had the right to tell me I couldn't succeed. Yes, I was a long way from success. Yes there was SO MUCH I needed to learn. Yes, there was a ton of work to be done. Yes, there was a mountain of changes to make. Yes, it was going to be hard. But most importantly, IT WAS GOING TO BE WORTH IT!!

Now, nearly an entire year later, the mountain is still a mountain. But I choose to focus on the ground right in front of me instead of looking up to try and see how much longer it's going to take or how much further I have to go. I choose to greet each new day with a "to do" list, and each new week with a few simple goals to get me a little further up the mountain. I choose to be accountable to myself...to follow through with what I said I would do...even if no one else heard what I said. I choose to have a positive "can do" attitude and pick myself up and dust myself off when I miss the mark. I choose to be happy doing what I'm doing and grateful for the opportunity. I choose to face my fears and set the ground work for others to follow my lead. I choose to share what I've learned and continue to have an attitude of always seeking knowledge. I choose to be an inspiration to others instead of a hindrance. I choose to be responsible for my thoughts, my actions and my attitude. I choose to smile and talk to people I don't know. I choose to "bloom where I'm planted". I choose to change and I choose to grow.

It's not an accident...I'm no longer who I used to be. And the "old me" is never coming back. As you can see in the photos above, I've obviously made changes to my physical appearance, but one can hardly help but notice the happiness, peace, contentment and confidence that has come to me over the past 5 years, the result of changes in my thinking, my daily habits, and my emotional health.(FYI these are all selfies taken with my phone; none are the work of a professional). Change is hard. It requires the sacrifice of time and effort, and giving up a piece of yourself in exchange for something even better. It happens slowly, a little here and a little there, barely noticeable until one day you can look back and see just how far you've come. You have to pay the price. You have to do the work. And most of the time only you will notice. But no one will be more surprised, more at peace, or more grateful than you with the result of the work you've done. It's such an amazing journey!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

If the World Was Blind

In September 2016 I had an interesting experience:

From my journal:

"I attended my mom's ward today (I'm LDS or Mormon as some refer to us and our congregations are divided into wards. You are assigned a ward depending on where you live within certain boundaries). In Relief Society (the women's organization that meets during the 3rd hour of church) the lesson was on honesty and how we can improve in our personal lives.. By direction of the instructor, the discussion turned to being honest with ourselves.. She stated that she felt impressed while preparing the lesson, that she should do an activity...that someone in attendance would need to hear what was being said. She asked that we move ourselves into pairs so each of us would have a partner. I was in a group of 3 and voluntarily moved to sit with a woman who was sitting alone. The instructor gave us the following instructions: The woman on the left was to remain silent and write down the things the woman on the right said for a period of 45 seconds. The woman on the right was to look directly into the eyes of the woman on the left and tell her what she saw in them. I was on the right. At first I was a little nervous and uncomfortable; however, I was soon humbled and so grateful for the experience as I felt I was truly looking into her soul. Some of the things I saw were kindness, confidence, a wonderful sense of humor, a great love for those around her (especially her family), and a deep connection with her children...which was amazing as I had never even seen her before this experience (I found out at the end of the meeting that she too was visiting that day).

When the time was up, we switched and she did the same with me. She saw that I was peaceful, had a great depth of character, was service oriented, selflessness, wise, compassionate, non-judgmental, willing to connect, and kind. 

At the end of this experience, the instructor said "What you saw in each other's eyes, is what God sees; the truth of who he knows you to be and loves". It was a surprisingly emotional experience that I will never forget.

Sometimes in life, there is too much emphasis on beauty, fame, and fortune. We as a society, tend to look up to, and admire, those who are "model material", whose looks outshine the rest. We put those who have the "perfect shape" and the "perfect size", with the "perfect hair" and "perfect teeth", on a pedestal worthy of the gods. We look to, and aspire to be like, those who "know it all" and "have it all". We want to "grow up and be just like them". And unless/until we are...just like them, we treat ourselves, and anyone else who doesn't fit the mold, as less than the dust of the earth, while peering over our shoulders to make sure the "target" doesn't move too far out of our sights. It's an easy trap to fall into.

I don't know where you fall in this whole scenario, and it doesn't really matter to me what your answer is. But let me ask you this...If the world were blind, how many people would YOU impress? Where is your focus? What positive character traits are you working to develop? What weaknesses and bad habits are you looking to abandon? Are you known for your kindness...or are you one to be avoided? Do you have a good work ethic or are you lazy and full of excuses? Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen or looking to cheat the system and pull the wool over people's eyes? Are you patient in heavy traffic or do you tend to take your frustration out on the vehicles on the road around you? Do you race to take that parking spot someone else was trying to get into or do you pass and look for something else?  What kind of reputation do you have with you family? Your spouse? Your children? Your employees? Your employer? Your church congregation? 

Not one of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. But sometimes we get set in our ways, and for one reason or another, feel validated in our treatment of others. The golden rule still stands. Treat others as you wish to be treated by others. It takes patience. It takes courage. It takes humility. But it's worth the effort so as to enjoy the fruits of your real and honest intent...to be recognized for the kind of person you are, for your heart, rather than your looks, your fortune or your fame.

One day at a time. One step at a time. One habit at a time. One trait at a time. It's never to late to change. But nothing changes...if nothing changes.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Thank Heaven For Tuesday

Last week I had an important event to attend. I got up early enough to allow plenty of time to get ready because I really wanted to look and feel my very best. I took an extra long hot shower, then carefully applied lotion to my then well hydrated skin. I conditioned my hair and purposefully enhanced it's natural wave, giving a little more body to my thin silver highlighted locks. I carefully applied my makeup, and took extra time to consider the clothes I would wear. It all came together perfectly, and with plenty of time to spare.

Breakfast for me every morning is a protein shake...one cup of almond milk or juice from select vegetables run through my juicer, six ice cubes, some flax seed, a little dark cocoa, and a scoop of my favorite protein powder. On this particular day, as I prepared to mix the ingredients in the blender, something fell out of the cupboard above and sent the container crashing to the floor...after it splashed all down the front of my perfectly put together attire.

Deep sigh. 

Some days are like that. Dealing with sick children, unmet deadlines at the office, traffic jams, insufficient funds in the bank account, fender benders, missed appointments, disagreements with a significant other, ruined meals, disappointing news...a single occurrence or multiple happenings in a day, can sometimes make you wish you'd stayed in bed and pulled the covers over your head.

And sometimes LIFE is like that...for weeks or months or years at a stretch! 

The good news is...Monday is followed by Tuesday, the weekend/days off come at the end of a long exhausting week, spring is a welcome sight after a long dark winter, a night of rest/sleep comes at the end of the day...there's always a new chance, a fresh start, a welcome do-over.

Here are some things to ponder and consider:

• DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN "PERFECTION": Just do your best and internalize the fact that your "10" is good enough. Roll with the punches, work your way around the boulders, move ahead slow and steady. Progress is progress!
• GET GROUNDED: Try to think rationally. Don't let other people tell you how to live your life. "Delete" and "backspace" exist for a reason. There isn't a shortage of erasers. You have the right to change your mind or your course. You alone are the author of your story.
• CELEBRATE THE SMALL VICTORIES: Every day you're going to have wins and losses. Focus on what went right and let the rest go.
• CHANGE UP YOUR ROUTINE: Take a different route, do things in a different order, stop doing what doesn't work, replace the "people pleasing" behaviors, be spontaneous, stop the madness!
• STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE: Make a move, take a risk, do something scary, be a little unpredictable!
• DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF: Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break. Pat yourself on the back. Be your own best cheerleader!
• FOCUS ON YOUR PASSION: Do what you love...and love what you do!
• BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF: Success, healing, change...they all take time...and a lot of patience. Begin where you are and take one step, one day, one experience at a time. The rest will follow.
• TRUST YOUR GUT: God gave us instincts for a reason. Use them.
• DON'T MAKE EXCUSES: If it's important to you...you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse. Ultimately it's all up to you.

Most importantly, remember you are NOT alone! Being human is a challenge. We are all in this together. Take life one day at a time and be grateful for the good and the joy and the blessings! The rest is water under the bridge.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

They're Good For A Lot of Things...But That's Not One Of Them

I eat a boiled egg...every day. It's been that way for years now. I just like them. They taste yummy and they're a great source of protein. I got sucked into the "too many eggs is bad for your health" crap for years, but then I decided so what? I like them. They're convenient, inexpensive, take up very little space (in the fridge and in my stomach lol!) and my opinion is the only one that matters. If I die, I die happy. So far they haven't killed me...

Well, as a result of my daily consumption, I've peeled a lot of eggs, thrown away a massive amount of eggshell. And recently I started wondering if they're good for anything...like is there a life hack that I'm missing out on? Should I be saving all those eggshells for something really spectacular? So I did some research a google search and here's what I found:

Eggshells are good for: 

• Restoring your skin to younger, more youthful "glow"
• Abrasive compound for cleaning your tub or scrubbing pots and pans
• Unclogging drains
• Fertilizing your garden/deterring garden pests
• Fortifying your pet's food
• Scaring away slugs
• Sweetening your coffee
• Supplementing your chicken's feed
• A great source of calcium
• Sharpening the blades of your blender
• Making your own sidewalk chalk
• Arts/crafts such as Christmas ornaments, wall hangings and mobiles
• Boosting your cosmetics
• Making treats for wild birds
• Cleaning your garbage disposal

That's an interesting list, to say the least. I'm not sure I'd take any of those ideas at face value, but I noticed something that really caught my attention...

I didn't find any claim to the benefits of "walking on" eggshells. Nope. Not one time, in all of the links I followed. It was never listed. Ever.

You know the drill. Either you've experienced it, know someone who's experienced it, or maybe you're in that very situation as you're reading this:

Tip toe softly. Don't cause any commotion. Tread lightly and oh. so. carefully. You're anxious, nervous or worried about the other person's attitude or moods, anger, criticism, glares, finger pointing or stonewalling. There's a constant feeling of distress in the pit of your stomach. Nothing you do is ever good enough...YOU will never be good enough. The relationship is cold and standoffish. Disagreements may be minimal, but there's a "chill in the air". 

Yep. I was there. Years and years and years of my life wasted on those stupid "eggshells". Useless effort. Squandered time. And so much stress! It became habit, like I went into auto pilot/survival mode. And I became a coward. Fear and denial left me unwilling to speak up and say "Done. Tired. This isn't working for me. I'm not taking this crap anymore!" And what do I have to show for all that time gone by? NOTHING. Painful memories. Regret. Lost opportunities. Dreams and goals unfulfilled. However, the great news is...I gave it up about 5 years ago and I feel so free! Don't get me wrong...it wasn't easy. It was harsh. The committee in my head was relentless. My self esteem was shot. It was exhausting work. But I'm here. And I'm so grateful for the lessons I learned along the way:

1. My "10" is enough. My effort, while not perfect, is enough. I am enough. Notice I didn't say "good enough". I. AM. ENOUGH.
2. I am not responsible for anyone else’s “stuff”…including my husband, my children, my siblings, my friends, acquaintances and even strangers on the street. My feelings of sadness, anger, or discomfort of any degree, the result of  someone being unable or unwilling to resolve their issues, does not EVER give me license to take them on as my own. I AM NOT THAT POWERFUL!
3.  It is imperative that I take care of myself on every level. I have physical, emotional and spiritual needs that must be met. I cannot reach my potential or take care of my stewardships without being “my own best friend” first. I must hold myself accountable. I am not anyone else’s responsibility.
4. I have a voice. I owe it to myself and to others to use it.
5. I am the boss of me…including my thoughts, my feelings and my actions.
6.  I must pay attention…I cannot “drift” or “race” through life.
7. I am capable of "standing up", "stepping up", and "showing up".
8. I can't let fear rule my life. "I can do hard things".
9. I am allowed to feel peace.
10. I am capable of saying no.
11. Clear concise communication is essential to any healthy relationship. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
12. Boundaries are essential to my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
13. Courage, confidence, and integrity are essential to living in reality. Living in reality is essential to my emotional well-being. Denial is destructive.
14. Some of life's most rewarding moments are experienced outside of the "comfort zone".
15. "Growing" is hard and painful, and comes in such small increments that it is hardly noticeable...until enough time has passed...at which time  the evidence is most assuredly both encouraging and simply amazing.
16. I am worthy!

Growing and changing are hard, but SO WORTH IT!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Hard Ugly Truth