What's Your Why?

A few weeks ago, I sat down to do some work on my laptop and soon after saw a "low power" message pop up on the screen. I stopped and quickly proceeded to plug the cord first into the jack, with the other end plugged firmly into the nearest electrical outlet. I was set to continue with my project. I was making great progress until, about 15 minutes later, it just shut down without any warning. "WHAT IS GOING ON??!!", I said out loud in exasperation. Only months before I spent a small fortune to purchase this laptop as the one I'd had previously just up and quit on me and could not be salvaged. Checking that the cord was still plugged securely into the jack, I was puzzled...until I looked over and realized it had been pulled from the socket in the wall. I had stretched the cord a little too far, eventually causing a a disconnect from the source it relied on for power. It could only sustain itself for a short period before it shut down, having become completely useless.

Just as I overstretched the power cord, I used to stretch myself too thin. I said yes to everyone and everything. I wasn't just last on the list. Most days I wasn't even on the list. I was so tired physically, emotionally and spiritually my needs were not being met. My dreams got shoved into a dark hole so I wouldn't have to feel guilty about not making them become a reality. I was known as "so and so's sister, mother, or daughter" but I'd lost my own identity. Beyond mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend...I was lost and I felt so empty.

So what's changed? I "crashed and burned" on every level. I literally had nothing more to give...not even to myself. Out of desperation, and with excruciating effort, I began making small changes. Now 5 years later, I matter. I'm not just on the list...I'm at the top of the list. I'm no longer functioning in auto pilot. I get out of bed every day with purpose, with a reason for being, with a fire in my belly that motivates me to be, to inspire, to make a difference in my own little corner of the world! I've "plugged in" to my sources of power that give me strength and energy, and motivation and encouragement:

• I pay attention to what I put in my body: No, every meal isn't perfect, nor is every day ideal, but I make a conscious effort to be more aware of what I eat. More fruits and vegetables, less sugar and fat, less junk food, more water. I'm not aiming to be skinny, but I am aiming to be a healthier version of me. This one little decision has led to some pretty amazing changes in my health...issues that have caused me a lot of anxiety and discomfort over decades. 
• I exercise: Just 20-30 minutes 3-5 times a week. Any thing will do. Nothing fancy. Nothing hard. Nothing strenuous. Sometimes I'm by myself. Sometimes I'm with a friend. 
• I read/listen to books on personal development: These inspire me, help me to see areas of my life in which I can make adjustments and improvements. I'm seeking to be the best I can be, looking to contribute in some small way to the human race. Some of these books are simply motivational, written by people who have become successful in life in one way or another. Others are stories of real people who have overcome adversity, used their challenges to aspire to become something no one believed they could become, or learned to fine tune their self-discipline to  help them reach a goal or make a dream come true. They created a purpose, found their "why" they were put on the planet and worked hard to put it into action. I'm pleased to say I've finally found my "why". That's what gets me out of bed every morning!
• I'm developing talents: I started at the age of forty-three finding ways to teach myself things I'd always wanted to learn...playing the piano, drawing portraits, crocheting, and playing the guitar just to name a few. Because I'm not doing this for anyone but me, it brings me joy! My down time is filled with amazing enjoyable activity. And...I'm NEVER EVER bored. My grandma was an amazing artist. But she didn't start taking lessons until she was in her late 60's. It's never too late to start.
• I set boundaries: This is my life. I am responsible for, and deserving of, the decision for who I interact with, what kind of people I surround myself with, and how much of my time I spend with/on them. There's A LOT less stress and drama in my life when I pay attention to relationships of every kind on every level. I work hard to have an attitude of servitude, to be patient and kind, to be friendly and give people the benefit of the doubt. However, I refuse to be a door mat, to take any kind of abuse, to be controlled or used for any other human being's self-serving purposes. I am important, and just as deserving of love and respect as anyone else. But...that love and respect has to come from me first, before I can expect to receive it from anyone else. 
• I have a morning devotional every single day: This is a minimum of 30 minutes to myself to pray and read scriptures. I believe wholeheartedly that there is divine interaction in my life. I purposefully seek guidance, direction, comfort and encouragement from Heaven...and quietly listen so I can receive it. No, my life isn't any easier, nor am I without problems, trials and difficulty because of it. But there is internal peace no matter how much external turmoil there is around me. I am a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, grandmother and friend because I put God first.
• I talk kindly to myself: I try not to say anything I wouldn't say to people I love. I cut myself some slack, I allow myself to make mistakes, I show myself compassion and I recognize some days are going to be crap days. I don't expect perfection from anyone else. Why would I expect it of myself?
• I listen to uplifting music: Music calms my soul, centers me, regulates my breathing and my heartbeat, lowers my stress level, promotes a feeling of happiness, puts a skip in my step, and soothes my brain.
• I count my blessings: Every day I try to find something to be grateful for...sometimes it's a miracle I've witnessed, other times it something as simple as the ability to walk or see, or having a roof over my head, and a soft warm bed to sleep in. Gratitude helps me to stay grounded and keep my attitude out of the toilet.

Being plugged in is crucial to good physical, emotional and spiritual health. It's imperative if you're committed to living with purpose. Wouldn't it be sad to come to the end of your life wondering what might have been? Life isn't a popularity contest, nor is it about being a martyr, or running yourself into the ground under the guise of fixing and rescuing everyone around you. Life is about living, leaving a legacy, planting hope and peace and joy in the hearts of those you love and connect with. No one can do it for you. Choose happiness. Choose to be positive. Choose to smile. Choose to find your "why". Choose to find and plug in to your sources of power!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Devil's Radio

 

"Word is going around that you're looking 'haggard'" my friend told me as she quickly encouraged me into her car. "We're going to fix that!" 

I had every reason to be looking haggard. I was single-handedly raising 3 children under the age of 5 (married to their nonparticipating father) and running myself into the ground to pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, handle the logistics of getting help for a child with a significant developmental delay, keep up with mountains of laundry, meet the demands of my church responsibilities, work through the issues I was facing with my own emotional health, cook and clean, and manage the expectations of a high maintenance spouse. It was a little overwhelming to say the least; I was a ticking time bomb. However, there was no consideration for the truth of the matter at hand from those who gossiped behind my back. My life was a mess. And while I was doing the very best I knew how, I was drowning in the ominous ocean of dysfunction.

I suppose there are a myriad of reasons why people gossip: perhaps there's a need for "indirect" retaliation, a desire to prove one's worth and qualification for fitting into the "in crowd", jealousy, seeking acceptance/friends, poor judgement, or maybe a lack of better things to do with their time. Sadly, to some it may even seem like a harmless form of recreation until they become the one people are talking about. I read an article recently that claimed gossip has healthy benefits, but I believe it to be far more harmful than beneficial. Just my own opinion of course...you may feel differently. In my mind it's akin to bullying, except the victim isn't present to defend themselves; in fact, they are likely unaware that it's happening. It's demeaning. It can ruin a person's reputation, it promotes lies or half truths about a person behind their back, and it creates a lot of unnecessary drama for everyone involved.

If you are the subject of gossip, here are some things that may be helpful:

1. Take a step back and identify your emotions.
2. Use calming strategies to ground yourself: go for a long walk, do some deep breathing exercises, take a long warm shower, meditate, go for a work out. This will give you time to think about how to approach the problem in a more realistic and healthy manner.
3. Recognize that the situation isn't really about you; it's about others needing to tear you down to make themselves appear at least a little better than you.
4. If you know who is behind the gossip, and you choose to have a conversation or a confrontation with them, be sure to do so in private, behind a closed door, with a calm voice, out of earshot of other people.
5. Don't go into the mode of attacking, intimidating or accusing. This will only "add fuel to the fire".
6. Don't include any other person in the conversation (so and so said this or that). That will only frustrate the conversation.
7. Be clear about your purpose for having said conversation. Are you trying to stop the gossip? Or are you trying to correct misinformation? Know your intent before you begin.
8. Be clear about your expectation following the conversation. What do you expect to happen as a result. Make sure they know your expectation as well.
9. Try not to focus on the negative experience. Focus on what's going right in your life. Spend some extra time letting yourself feel gratitude for all that is good and positive and brings you joy. 
10. Show yourself some compassion and have a forgiving attitude. It beats letting yourself continue to be angry, feeling stressed and "bent out of shape". The person who benefits most will be you. You will be better able to move on and have less negative impact on your health and well-being.

If you are one who spreads gossip, here are some things you might consider:

1. Get the facts before you consider opening your mouth...and not from a 2nd or 3rd party. If you didn't hear it first hand it's likely not true. There's no need to spread toxic, untrue, or one-sided information about people.
2. Ask yourself "What's my intent for passing along this information? Am I trying to make myself feel better? Is it harmful? Would I say it to their face?
3. What's behind your need to gossip? Are you angry? Are you jealous? What is the person doing that's bothering you so much?
4.  Wouldn't it be better to speak with the person face to face to find a solution to the problem? It may not be easier but it IS kinder and it will more likely cause a whole lot less drama. Perhaps it might foster a more healthy relationship between the two of you.
5. If someone comes to you with a bit of "juicy" information, change the subject or disengage. Walk away. Make up an excuse if you have to. Don't allow yourself to be a participant in such negative damaging behavior.

Gossiping may not be an easy habit for some people to break. But here's the thing: Even if the story is true, spreading it can cause so much more damage to the person being talked about, and have serious far reaching consequences. No one wants to be the topic of gossip. Everyone deserves a fair shake, to be given the benefit of the doubt. Is it worth ruining a relationship, a career, a family, a sense of acceptance and belonging? Is it worth the loss of a life? Think before you speak. A little kindness goes a long way. You may be the tipping point, the one who made the difference between a tragic loss and a comforted soul. Spread love not gossip.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

They're Good For A Lot of Things...But That's Not One Of Them

I eat a boiled egg...every day. It's been that way for years now. I just like them. They taste yummy and they're a great source of protein. I got sucked into the "too many eggs is bad for your health" crap for years, but then I decided so what? I like them. They're convenient, inexpensive, take up very little space (in the fridge and in my stomach lol!) and my opinion is the only one that matters. If I die, I die happy. So far they haven't killed me...

Well, as a result of my daily consumption, I've peeled a lot of eggs, thrown away a massive amount of eggshell. And recently I started wondering if they're good for anything...like is there a life hack that I'm missing out on? Should I be saving all those eggshells for something really spectacular? So I did some research a google search and here's what I found:

Eggshells are good for: 

• Restoring your skin to younger, more youthful "glow"
• Abrasive compound for cleaning your tub or scrubbing pots and pans
• Unclogging drains
• Fertilizing your garden/deterring garden pests
• Fortifying your pet's food
• Scaring away slugs
• Sweetening your coffee
• Supplementing your chicken's feed
• A great source of calcium
• Sharpening the blades of your blender
• Making your own sidewalk chalk
• Arts/crafts such as Christmas ornaments, wall hangings and mobiles
• Boosting your cosmetics
• Making treats for wild birds
• Cleaning your garbage disposal

That's an interesting list, to say the least. I'm not sure I'd take any of those ideas at face value, but I noticed something that really caught my attention...

I didn't find any claim to the benefits of "walking on" eggshells. Nope. Not one time, in all of the links I followed. It was never listed. Ever.

You know the drill. Either you've experienced it, know someone who's experienced it, or maybe you're in that very situation as you're reading this:

Tip toe softly. Don't cause any commotion. Tread lightly and oh. so. carefully. You're anxious, nervous or worried about the other person's attitude or moods, anger, criticism, glares, finger pointing or stonewalling. There's a constant feeling of distress in the pit of your stomach. Nothing you do is ever good enough...YOU will never be good enough. The relationship is cold and standoffish. Disagreements may be minimal, but there's a "chill in the air". 

Yep. I was there. Years and years and years of my life wasted on those stupid "eggshells". Useless effort. Squandered time. And so much stress! It became habit, like I went into auto pilot/survival mode. And I became a coward. Fear and denial left me unwilling to speak up and say "Done. Tired. This isn't working for me. I'm not taking this crap anymore!" And what do I have to show for all that time gone by? NOTHING. Painful memories. Regret. Lost opportunities. Dreams and goals unfulfilled. However, the great news is...I gave it up about 5 years ago and I feel so free! Don't get me wrong...it wasn't easy. It was harsh. The committee in my head was relentless. My self esteem was shot. It was exhausting work. But I'm here. And I'm so grateful for the lessons I learned along the way:

1. My "10" is enough. My effort, while not perfect, is enough. I am enough. Notice I didn't say "good enough". I. AM. ENOUGH.
2. I am not responsible for anyone else’s “stuff”…including my husband, my children, my siblings, my friends, acquaintances and even strangers on the street. My feelings of sadness, anger, or discomfort of any degree, the result of  someone being unable or unwilling to resolve their issues, does not EVER give me license to take them on as my own. I AM NOT THAT POWERFUL!
3.  It is imperative that I take care of myself on every level. I have physical, emotional and spiritual needs that must be met. I cannot reach my potential or take care of my stewardships without being “my own best friend” first. I must hold myself accountable. I am not anyone else’s responsibility.
4. I have a voice. I owe it to myself and to others to use it.
5. I am the boss of me…including my thoughts, my feelings and my actions.
6.  I must pay attention…I cannot “drift” or “race” through life.
7. I am capable of "standing up", "stepping up", and "showing up".
8. I can't let fear rule my life. "I can do hard things".
9. I am allowed to feel peace.
10. I am capable of saying no.
11. Clear concise communication is essential to any healthy relationship. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
12. Boundaries are essential to my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
13. Courage, confidence, and integrity are essential to living in reality. Living in reality is essential to my emotional well-being. Denial is destructive.
14. Some of life's most rewarding moments are experienced outside of the "comfort zone".
15. "Growing" is hard and painful, and comes in such small increments that it is hardly noticeable...until enough time has passed...at which time  the evidence is most assuredly both encouraging and simply amazing.
16. I am worthy!

Growing and changing are hard, but SO WORTH IT!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

That Service Is No Longer Available

I used to be the "poster child" for people pleasing. Like a doormat, I'd "lie at your feet" and let you "walk all over me". I put EVERYONE ahead of me. Saying "no" was so painful for me, I just couldn't do it. Yes, yes, yes...while silently muttering to myself about how much I resented being manipulated and taken advantage of, were the words that escaped my lips every. single. time. I felt such tremendous guilt and fear for even considering saying no, that I just couldn't let myself go there. "No" meant I failed, or I've let someone down; it meant I was weak, selfish or inconsiderate of someone's immediate need for rescue...and if I didn't rush in, how would they survive?  Reality is: It's selfish and prideful thinking, to believe that I, or you, are the only human being capable of dealing with any crisis, or solving any problem. NEWS FLASH! I AM NOT that powerful...and neither are you.

Well, reality bit me in the butt and I was forced to decide: was I going to consciously continue in such an unhealthy manner OR was I going to get real and begin the process of learning and implementing skills (for replacing my dysfunctional behaviors) such as:

1) Recognize and own my codependancy: Yep. I was codependant. Here are some of the symptoms I exhibited:

• An overwhelming urgency to help others when they had a problem.
• A belief that other people couldn't like me or love me for who I was; I constantly felt I had to prove that I was enough.
• I sacrificed my own opinions, needs and wants for those of others, while feeling resentful.
• I was afraid to use my voice; I didn't have the courage to advocate for myself.
• I did most or all of the giving in my closest personal relationships.
• I was non-assertive. If I was cornered into taking a position or making a choice I would...but could not verbalize a basis for my decision.
• I didn't set functional limits with myself or with others.  I was easily over invested in other people's problems.
• I felt unworthy and was filled with shame.

2) Have clear, open, honest, communication. For example:

• What are the details of the commitment? (Time, resources, date/time expectations etc)
• Yes, I'm available but I only have _____ minutes/hours OR I'm only available _________ between the hours of  _____ and _____. Will that work for you?
• Yes, I'm available to help you, but I'll need _____________.
• I'm not sure if I can help you; let me get back to you.
• No, I'm not available to help you at this time.
• Thanks for thinking of me, but I'm not going to be able to help you.
• This is out of my realm of expertise; you need to call on someone who would be better equipped to help.
• Wow. There are so many choices. Give me 3 to choose from.
• I'm not sure where I stand on that issue. I haven't really given it much thought.
• And? Example: If my friend says "My husband and I got in a huge fight last night" instead of jumping in and giving an opinion, taking sides or giving advice, I would simply say "And?" If my coworker says "I'm angry that I have to close on Tuesday night" instead of making assumptions, trash talking the boss or throwing another coworker under the bus, I would calmly reply with "And?"
• I'm going to let that be yours. Example: If my child says "I forgot I had a homework assignment in math last night and now I don't have time to do it" instead of calling the school, belittling my child, or offering to cover for them with a fake excuse, I would reply with "I'm going to let that be yours." OR if my sister says to me "I spent money we didn't really have on this dress yesterday; my husband's going to be really pissed" instead of validating her choice, lecturing, or offering to hide it for her for a few days,  I would reply with "I'm just going to let that be yours."

3) Watch out for manipulation tactics:

You're so good at decorating cakes; you should make one for my daughter's birthday OR I'm not sure how to assemble this bike I bought for my son, but you're so clever I'll bet you could get it done in no time at all.

Of course, there's a difference between someone genuinely and respectfully asking for your assistance, maybe even offering to trade service for service, and those who hint subtly or "guilt" you into doing something for them because they are too lazy, or without knowledge or ability, and unwilling to hire a skilled professional to accomplish the task. Don't allow yourself to fall into that trap.

4) Create or adopt a mantra:

• What others think of me is none of my business
• I'm nobody's fool
• Nope. Not today. Not ever.
• Not my circus; not my monkeys!
• My plate is full.
• Me first.
• I can't be everything/do everything for everybody.

You need a firm reminder that you are not the sole solution to everyone's problems. You are not indispensable. Life goes on whether you "DO"...or you "DON'T".

5) Forgo the excuses: You don't owe ANYONE an excuse or an explanation. You are in charge of how, where and with whom you choose to spend your time. Be accountable to yourself. Be respectful of yourself. Be kind to yourself.

6) Don't apologize: If you are not responsible for the situation, you have no reason to be sorry. So don't.

7) Pay attention to your limits: Figure out what you're capable of physically AND emotionally and don't go beyond those limits. Don't let people run you ragged or tap you out emotionally. Establish your boundaries and communicate them clearly. Don't leave any room for assumptions to be made by others. 

8) There's going to be fallout: It's almost a guarantee...there's going to be someone who's angry, disappointed, sad, unrelenting when you say no. Let it be theirs. You cannot MAKE anyone feel ANY emotion. And no one can make YOU feel guilty. Feelings of guilt are only warranted if YOU'VE done something wrong. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. It is what it is. Let it be.

Learning these skills and getting into the habit of implementing them has taken a lot of time, practice and patience. Some days are better than others; some situations are easier than others. But I am SO MUCH HAPPIER! It's one of the best gifts I've ever given myself. Change is no longer an uninvited guest.

I'm all in! Are you with me?