That Service Is No Longer Available

I used to be the "poster child" for people pleasing. Like a doormat, I'd "lie at your feet" and let you "walk all over me". I put EVERYONE ahead of me. Saying "no" was so painful for me, I just couldn't do it. Yes, yes, yes...while silently muttering to myself about how much I resented being manipulated and taken advantage of, were the words that escaped my lips every. single. time. I felt such tremendous guilt and fear for even considering saying no, that I just couldn't let myself go there. "No" meant I failed, or I've let someone down; it meant I was weak, selfish or inconsiderate of someone's immediate need for rescue...and if I didn't rush in, how would they survive?  Reality is: It's selfish and prideful thinking, to believe that I, or you, are the only human being capable of dealing with any crisis, or solving any problem. NEWS FLASH! I AM NOT that powerful...and neither are you.

Well, reality bit me in the butt and I was forced to decide: was I going to consciously continue in such an unhealthy manner OR was I going to get real and begin the process of learning and implementing skills (for replacing my dysfunctional behaviors) such as:

1) Recognize and own my codependancy: Yep. I was codependant. Here are some of the symptoms I exhibited:

• An overwhelming urgency to help others when they had a problem.
• A belief that other people couldn't like me or love me for who I was; I constantly felt I had to prove that I was enough.
• I sacrificed my own opinions, needs and wants for those of others, while feeling resentful.
• I was afraid to use my voice; I didn't have the courage to advocate for myself.
• I did most or all of the giving in my closest personal relationships.
• I was non-assertive. If I was cornered into taking a position or making a choice I would...but could not verbalize a basis for my decision.
• I didn't set functional limits with myself or with others.  I was easily over invested in other people's problems.
• I felt unworthy and was filled with shame.

2) Have clear, open, honest, communication. For example:

• What are the details of the commitment? (Time, resources, date/time expectations etc)
• Yes, I'm available but I only have _____ minutes/hours OR I'm only available _________ between the hours of  _____ and _____. Will that work for you?
• Yes, I'm available to help you, but I'll need _____________.
• I'm not sure if I can help you; let me get back to you.
• No, I'm not available to help you at this time.
• Thanks for thinking of me, but I'm not going to be able to help you.
• This is out of my realm of expertise; you need to call on someone who would be better equipped to help.
• Wow. There are so many choices. Give me 3 to choose from.
• I'm not sure where I stand on that issue. I haven't really given it much thought.
• And? Example: If my friend says "My husband and I got in a huge fight last night" instead of jumping in and giving an opinion, taking sides or giving advice, I would simply say "And?" If my coworker says "I'm angry that I have to close on Tuesday night" instead of making assumptions, trash talking the boss or throwing another coworker under the bus, I would calmly reply with "And?"
• I'm going to let that be yours. Example: If my child says "I forgot I had a homework assignment in math last night and now I don't have time to do it" instead of calling the school, belittling my child, or offering to cover for them with a fake excuse, I would reply with "I'm going to let that be yours." OR if my sister says to me "I spent money we didn't really have on this dress yesterday; my husband's going to be really pissed" instead of validating her choice, lecturing, or offering to hide it for her for a few days,  I would reply with "I'm just going to let that be yours."

3) Watch out for manipulation tactics:

You're so good at decorating cakes; you should make one for my daughter's birthday OR I'm not sure how to assemble this bike I bought for my son, but you're so clever I'll bet you could get it done in no time at all.

Of course, there's a difference between someone genuinely and respectfully asking for your assistance, maybe even offering to trade service for service, and those who hint subtly or "guilt" you into doing something for them because they are too lazy, or without knowledge or ability, and unwilling to hire a skilled professional to accomplish the task. Don't allow yourself to fall into that trap.

4) Create or adopt a mantra:

• What others think of me is none of my business
• I'm nobody's fool
• Nope. Not today. Not ever.
• Not my circus; not my monkeys!
• My plate is full.
• Me first.
• I can't be everything/do everything for everybody.

You need a firm reminder that you are not the sole solution to everyone's problems. You are not indispensable. Life goes on whether you "DO"...or you "DON'T".

5) Forgo the excuses: You don't owe ANYONE an excuse or an explanation. You are in charge of how, where and with whom you choose to spend your time. Be accountable to yourself. Be respectful of yourself. Be kind to yourself.

6) Don't apologize: If you are not responsible for the situation, you have no reason to be sorry. So don't.

7) Pay attention to your limits: Figure out what you're capable of physically AND emotionally and don't go beyond those limits. Don't let people run you ragged or tap you out emotionally. Establish your boundaries and communicate them clearly. Don't leave any room for assumptions to be made by others. 

8) There's going to be fallout: It's almost a guarantee...there's going to be someone who's angry, disappointed, sad, unrelenting when you say no. Let it be theirs. You cannot MAKE anyone feel ANY emotion. And no one can make YOU feel guilty. Feelings of guilt are only warranted if YOU'VE done something wrong. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. It is what it is. Let it be.

Learning these skills and getting into the habit of implementing them has taken a lot of time, practice and patience. Some days are better than others; some situations are easier than others. But I am SO MUCH HAPPIER! It's one of the best gifts I've ever given myself. Change is no longer an uninvited guest.

I'm all in! Are you with me?