Suck It Up Or Dance In It...You Choose

I've had the life sucked out of me. Again. It's so hard to hold my head up and go through my daily routine. My body feels weak and shaky. I have no energy. There are things I feel I MUST tend to, but it takes so little to wear me out and send me to my bed for rest. The hours between the early morning light that drifts through my window each morning, and the time that twilight finally settles in, seem endless. I have no energy for small talk, for problem solving, for planning, for little more than opening my eyes to face yet another day. I feel sad and angry, and hurt and disappointed, and a loneliness that is much more encompassing than I've ever experienced before. Fear and hopelessness and darkness hover over me, but I'm not willing to let them take up residence in my head. I see what they are capable of; I will not allow myself to fall victim to their destructive ways. I've witnessed others mindlessly drift to the point of no return; I'm not even willing to take the first step on that path. I get depression. It surrounds me on every side, and threatens to suffocate me. But I will give it zero opportunity to destroy me...not even second hand.

I know you probably think I'm full of myself. How dare I think I'm so invincible and powerful. Think what you may. But the truth is it's a choice. Really. I can choose to dwell on my problems, my sucky life, my traumatic experiences, the unfairness of my circumstances, my sadness and loneliness, my health issues,  the way I'm treated by others, and all the other crap that gets relentlessly flung at me. Or I can take responsibility for how I handle what comes my way. 

Reality check: The universe has nothing against me. God is not punishing me. I am not undeserving of being treated with kindness and respect. I am not a worthless pile of crap that somehow mistakenly ended up where I'm at physically OR emotionally in my life. I haven't been dealt a lousy hand. Bad things happen to bad people...and good people. I am not exempt from pain, tragedy, disappointment, health crises, financial ruin, bad luck, or misfortune of any kind. Sometimes Much of the time, life sucks. But I CHOOSE whether or not to cope, how to cope, and how long to cope. I choose whether to be humble and reachable, or pridefully surround myself with an impenetrable wall and suffer silently, or shamelessly loud enough for everyone to witness. And NO ONE can take that choice away from me.

If you're looking for a perfect life you're in for a severe disappointment. Give it up. Change your expectation. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself:

• Get outside of yourself. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than you. And there is NO exception to that rule. Look for them and do something to lighten their burden. You can't take their crap away, but you can add a little sunshine.
• Count your blessings. There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Look for it until you find it. Write it down and put it where you can be reminded of it EVERY single day.
• Take a break from social media. Everyone's life is falsely portrayed (intentional or not) to be much better than yours is. Don't fall into that trap. We ALL have crap.
• Set a goal to change something about you or about your life that you CAN change. Learn to take the rest in stride and move on.
• Reach out for support. Friends, family, church clergy, neighbors...let them into your circle and try letting at least one of them into your heart.
• Change up your routine. Sometimes doing just one thing differently makes all the difference in your attitude and helps give you a fresh perspective.

Life is tough. But you don't have to let it destroy you.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Take Your Hand Off The Burner

I couldn't help myself. I felt as though I were flying as I propelled that swing up higher and higher. Stretching my legs and feet out as far as they would go, I foolishly struggled to reach the leaves of a tree, dangling overhead just out of my reach. My nine year old mind denied the absurdity of such an impossible undertaking until my body was suddenly hurled into the air, and I landed with a thud, my right foot in a twisted heap underneath  of me. The excruciating pain flung me into a harsh reality.

Denial is the refusal to accept reality, which can at times be unbearably painful. It is a state of resistance and suppression, of pushing against the painful, the awkward or embarrassing, or the unpleasant. It's where we go when we want to avoid despair. There are many reasons one might choose to go into denial...the need to be in control, to protect oneself, a desire to numb pain, a lack of self love or acceptance, an attempt to fill a void, a lack of feeling "good enough", or the absence of valuing one's talents and abilities. However, to minimize, excuse, or rationalize a situation, or the impact of a problem in a person's life, is damaging. It sets a person up for unnecessary feelings of guilt, shame and self loathing, causing them to be constantly at war with themselves and with others. It's like putting one's hand on the red hot burner of the stove and ignoring the damage. Sometimes reality sucks. But I have found there are so many benefits to facing it:

• Freedom to be who I am and who I want to be.
• Allowance for spiritual growth and emotional healing
• More space in my heart and in my life for peace; sometimes I choose  it and sometimes I have to create  it
• The ability to feel joy
• Feelings of peace and joy and happiness attract wonderful and amazing and awsomeness in my life
• I have control over my life and my choices
• I have developed talents that were just waiting to be discovered
• I have learned to recognize how strong, courageous and determined I can be
• I am more confident in my ability to make good decisions and not allow others to interfere
• It's easier to trust my gut/intuitions

Coming out of denial has required me to confront myself and others. I've had to work through the pain and harshness of reality not only in my life, but in my self...my habits, my attitudes, my weaknesses and my flaws. I've had to deal with betrayal...times and situations when I was mistreated, mislead or disappointed either by another individual or through my own negligence or lack of personal accountability. I've had to choose to take a stand and refuse to be manipulated or taken advantage of. Has it been easy? No. And it's an ongoing process and a balancing act. Find my courage. Take a stand. Show kindness to myself and others. Set boundaries. Be humble. Don't sell myself short. Show up. Don't be so quick to pass judgement on others...

I choose  to recommit myself every single day.

Remember: "What we focus on expands"

I'm all in! Are you with me?