F.E.A.R.

I haven't posted in awhile. There's been far too much drama trying to creep into my life and I'm exhausted from fighting to keep it out. I'm much too old and much too focused on making the best of my remaining time here to get wrapped up in such crap. There is absolutely no room for selfish words, toxic behavior, or ulterior motives in my life. I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to learn better ways and protect my own personal sense of well-being on every level.

This past week has been difficult as the 7th anniversary of a traumatizing and life changing event came calling like an unavoidable guest sitting on the front porch of my soul. My husband of then 26 years attempted suicide in a brutally horrific manner, losing nearly 1/2 of his blood in the process and ultimately failing in his attempt. It's painful for my heart and mind to relive the ordeal, but so healing emotionally to see just how far I've come in those 7 years. I seriously doubt the shock and pain will ever go away, but they do seem to have decreased in intensity with time, for which I am most grateful. I've done SO much hard work emotionally, in therapy and on my own. But, ultimately the progress has come due to the passing of time and the love and patience of my Father in Heaven as He's taught me how to shift my mindset, learn how to move forward, and accept the responsibility I have to forgive. Forgiving is a process, but I'm profoundly aware that it's more for my good than for the good of those I am asked to forgive.

Yesterday was my day to celebrate the "new" me with my #noFEAR theme...Forget Everything And Remember...remember who I am, where I've come from, the grace of God that has lead me to where I am today, and how incredibly thankful I am for the journey. My eldest daughter joins me in this day long event each year; amazingly, it was her idea to start this tradition 3 years ago and it has been one we will continue to treasure together. The day is always started with breakfast at a favorite restaurant where we enjoy an unhurried meal and an opportunity to revisit the "event", talk through the pain, and celebrate our victories in overcoming and healing through the past year. She is a wise soul and I cherish the fact that we have become dear forever friends. After breakfast, we find meaningful ways to spend our time reminiscing, and planning how we will move forward in the coming year. Her insight and perspective are amazing and I always leave at the end of the day wishing it would never end.

While there are individuals I've shared my story with, for the most part it's a secret I've kept to myself. Shame, and the guilt of disclosing the details of someone else's story have prevented me from going public. But, it's a part of me, a chapter in the story of MY life, and MINE to learn and heal from, as well as an opportunity to open my heart and offer true empathy and compassion to those who may have similar experience. Oh how I wish I'd had someone to turn to in the midst of my mess, someone who knew exactly what I was feeling, what I was thinking, how fear and anger, and confusion and guilt and shame swallowed me whole and threatened to ultimately destroy me. My life would have been blessed to know someone else who had survived it and come out with hope and healing and faith and courage on the other side.

Now that I'm on the other side, I'm humbled and grateful to know I can potentially be that person for someone else. And today, the burden and heaviness of secrecy is lifted as I openly share here. I am free. I am healing. And I am grateful for all I've learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life. I have a deep scar that will never go away, but I wear it without shame. It's a beautiful reminder of my strength, my courage, and the continued growth of my inner child toward the  beautiful, capable, and amazing woman she is becoming, and having so much to offer in the legacy I can now leave for those who come after me. And thanks be to God for His amazing love and patience, and for His grace He so willingly extends to me, a daughter He so valiantly fights for.

As my "new" year begins, I feel hopeful and renewed. I am becoming more and more appreciative of the good that comes from the difficult trials I experience in life. I am gaining courage and confidence in my ability to conquer and overcome the boulders of adversity that sometimes overwhelm me with setbacks and discouragement. And I'm ready to again move forward without delay.

I'm all in my friend! Are you with me?

"Even If"...It's Still A Part of My Story

It was normal for me. And because it was all I knew, I assumed it was normal for everyone...but I hated it. As months and years passed, I became painfully aware my normal wasn't normal at all; and I found myself drowning in secrecy, shame, anxiety, and a heightened sense of hyper-vigilance. My self-esteem was beaten down and trampled to a dirty, shredded, useless pile of unrecognizable rubbish, and I felt as invisible as if I had never existed. I lived silently in a world of fear, and dreaded the rising of the morning sun. I spent every day going through the motions of  life, carefully avoiding the pull to do or try anything different than the routine I was used to for fear of exposing my hell and my suffocating humiliation. 

Welcome to adulthood they say. You have your whole life ahead of you. The world is your playground. You can do and be whatever you set your mind to. The problem was I was messed up, frightened, insecure, vulnerable, and emotionally scarred...the perfect set-up for getting sucked into an ugly cycle of codependency. I threw myself "in the toilet" for the sake of rescuing and fixing others in an attempt to fill my desperate unquenchable need for love and affection. 

Eventually I sought professional help. It allowed me to work through what I was dealing with, but I didn't really feel any different on the inside. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, how disgustingly gross I felt, the way I felt so inferior around other people. I felt unworthy of love and kindness even as I desperately craved attention and acceptance. I shunned the rare compliments I received from others and convinced myself they were all lies because people didn't know the real me buried deep in the muck and mire of my irrational perception of myself.

Years passed but nothing changed. As I reached each of the milestones one expects to experience in life, I got better at putting on and perfecting the facade that hid my pain and protected my heart. But I couldn't run from or erase my truth lurking in the dark corners of my mind, reminding me every moment of every day of my worthlessness.

I can't really pinpoint the exact moment things started to change for me. However, I do know it began with a conscious decision to escape from the prison inside my own head. As crazy as it sounds, I slowly began to question my truth...not the truth of what had happened to me, but my perception of how it had defined me. I thought about my motives, what drove me and determined how I would act and react in any given situation. Why and when did I choose to trust? Exhibit kindness? Be offended? Show compassion? Be approachable? Run away? I questioned (in my head) why someone liked me, and analyzed how a relationship with me benefited them. I began pondering what made my feel inferior to others around me, and challenged my deep seated belief that I had nothing to offer the world. At first there was little in the way of positives I could find, but when I did, I hung on to them and worked tirelessly to firmly attach them in my mind and in my heart as part of my new truth. This didn't happen overnight. It took years...3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Progress was painfully slow, but steady.

Today, 50 years later, I'm still very much aware of that little girl. She is now, and always will be a part of me. I am today, the culmination of all of the good, the bad, the ugly, the reprehensible. My story is not complete without any of it...without her. She is my link to the past, but I am her ticket to the future. I think she'd be mighty proud of the woman I've become, but I couldn't have done it without her courage, her integrity, and her will to thrive. She may not have had much to offer the world, but she offered me everything I needed to make a difference in our little corner of the world. Together we are beautiful. We are kind. We are amazing. We are worthy. And...we are worth it! My future is no longer defined by my past!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

When All You Can Do is Whisper "I'm Fine"

"I'm fine", I lied. Enough time had passed that I could at least be out in public. But that question everyone asks so nonchalantly, that normally seemed so standard, shook me to the core and kicked my "fight or flight" response screaming into overdrive. What was I supposed to say? I'd had a life threatening reality pummel me into the ground just weeks before...but it was a "behind closed doors" event, unlike those that make the headlines in the national news or in the local newspaper. Time stood eerily still as I negotiated whether running away or passing out would be the appropriate avoidance response.

When "How are you?" is a loaded question...when you're suffering from depression or anxiety, have suffered a loss or been through a traumatic experience, been the victim of a crime, dealing with financial stress, unemployment, chronic illness, aging parents, foreclosure, wayward children, broken relationships...when you're grieving...what do you do with that?

1. Assess the intent of the person asking: Is this someone you are close to, someone you trust truly cares about you? Or is this a casual acquaintance? If you're feeling uncomfortable, you're not obliged to give any more than a polite "non-answer". "I'm doing OK, thanks. How are you?" or "I'm hanging in there. How about you?" or "Hey how was your family vacation?" (avoidance and changing the subject always sends a message of "I'm not willing to go there!")
2. Consider how answering the question might affect you: When you're suffering, answering truthfully may bring on the onset of an eruption of emotion you may not be prepared to handle. And the other party may not know what to do with it, leaving you feeling awkward and full of regret for opening that floodgate. Likely this would usually be a risk one should consider only under emotionally safe circumstances. There's no need to bring more stress or anxiety on yourself than you're already dealing with. Not everyone is in a place to hear your truth. And your truth needs to be protected.
3. Set firm boundaries: I was approached by a few people who thought they knew what had happened, when in fact they were completely misinformed by someone else's speculation. It made it a little very awkward, but I found it necessary to briefly set the record straight and then shut the conversation down. Especially if you're not in a clearly stable state of mind to talk, or you find the questioning distressing, you need to do what's best for you. No one else's opinion or concern matters at that point. You, not any well-meaning busybody, are in charge of your emotional health and healing. Don't allow bullying, gossiping, or ignorance to pressure you into having a conversation you don't want to have. You have to put yourself first.

It's a harsh reality...we're not always as OK as we pretend to be. Being vulnerable is difficult at best, and risky to say the least. Bad things happen to good people. And none of us are exempt from any amount of pain and suffering. People will say stupid hurtful things. The world keeps revolving and time continues moving forward even when your life is falling apart. Having painful experiences in life makes us a little more compassionate. No one will understand exactly how you are feeling because everyone is affected by and handles grief differently. You'll run across people who try to "one up" you and minimize your experience. Some may even tell you to buck up and move on. Healing is hard work and takes a LOT of time. Trust the process. You will never be the same. All the world is oblivious when you're hurting. Seek to disclose your pain to those who will listen and support you, offering encouragement and comfort in the best way possible...and let the rest go.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

When Someone You Know Becomes Someone You Knew

I've spent the past week trying to decide how to dive into this post. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one affected by it, but it feels like I'm drowning in the ocean of experience with the subject of estrangement. I've been on both ends; I've been the one to walk away, and I've been the one left behind. Either way it's nothing less than heart wrenching.

In walking away I felt justified, but I couldn't shut down the "what if's" and the "whys". While I'd removed myself physically, my heart bounced ferociously between thriving in the "no contact" zone, and grieving the loss of what I craved and needed from said relationship.

On the other hand, being the one left behind has left me with questions unanswered, and a rush of emotion ranging from sadness and anger, to loneliness and intense grief. I've cried rivers of tears and spent many a sleepless night questioning how I can possibly move forward while "pages from the story of my life" have been ripped out, and hurled, along with my heart, into the fiery furnace of  tragedy and harsh reality.

It sucks. Really. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, family reunions, celebrations...they all come around, and over and over again I find myself mourning lost opportunities to make memories, crying over incomplete family photos, craving hugs and expressions of love, and longing to know if the person is well physically and/or emotionally; in some instances I'm left to wonder if they're dead or alive. My heart desires to greet each new day with patience and hope and certainty, trying to convince me that there's no reason to be sad or angry because eventually it's "going to be OK"; any minute they're going to "walk through the door", "waltz back into my life" and all will be right with the world. And then reality slams me to the floor, as if to penalize me for being such a fool as days and weeks turn into months and years. It's a stupid psychological roller coaster that leaves one wishing for immediate access to an eject button, as being catapulted into finality, though potentially devastating, might put an end to the constant "puking" from "emotion" sickness.

So how does one cope with estrangement? That's a really good question. I don't think there's a universal right answer for every single situation but there are some things that will start you in the right direction:

• Acknowledge the pain: My gut instinct is to try to ignore the pain because it's intense and overwhelming. But just like with physical pain, if I let my emotional pain get out of control it's hard to get a handle on it. It never really goes away, but there are things I can do to manage it: write in my journal, relax in a warm bath, go for a long walk, listen to calm peaceful music, sleep, distract my mind with a lighthearted movie or TV show, do a crossword or jigsaw puzzle, get out some play dough or kinetic sand, or coloring to name a few.
• Rely on the support of trusted family members and friends. You don't need to do this alone. You shouldn't do this alone. Reach out to those who can best offer you a nonjudgmental listening ear and a compassionate understanding heart.
• Join a support group: There are support groups specifically for estrangement between adult parents and their children, and for estranged siblings. Sometimes it helps to know there are others who have similar experience.
• Seek professional help: If you're experiencing debilitating anxiety, depression, a constant state of stress, fear, anger, loneliness, and/or intense sadness, a mental health professional can provide guidance and tools to help you cope. 
• Grieve your loss: It doesn't matter who's at fault. It is what it is...a painful loss. Be kind to yourself and allow time and space for the process of healing.
• Try your best to move forward: Life is going to keep moving right along. Don't sacrifice the present or the future by dwelling on regrets of the past. It's easier said than done, but eventually you have to stop "peeking over your shoulder" searching for what you've lost, and focus on what's ahead of you. Find the joy in the here and now.

Sometimes hearts heal and relationships mend. And sometimes they don't. But I've learned to cherish what's right in my life, to express gratitude for the healthy relationships I have, and pray for those who are lost to me. I don't have all of the answers, but I try to remember God does. You may not have much control over your circumstances, but you can choose how you deal with them.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

It's More Than My Heart Can Take And The World Just Keeps On Spinning

Loss is harsh. We've all been through it...divorce or break up of a relationship, death of a pet or loved one, the sale of a treasured family home, retirement or being laid off from a job, the onset of life-changing health conditions. a miscarriage...

And following loss comes the stages of grief:

1. Denial: "This can't be happening to me"
2. Anger: "Why is this happening to me?"
3. Bargaining: "Please don't let this happen to me...take it away and I will ________"
4. Depression: "I'm overwhelmed with debilitating sadness"
5. Acceptance: "I'm at peace with what has happened/is happening"

Grieving is different for everyone. There are many factors such as coping style, personality, life experience, faith, and the significance of the loss. Some people begin to feel better in weeks or months, but sometimes it takes years before healing takes place. There is no normal...it just is what is for each and every individual. It takes time, and requires patience.

But what if your loss is ambiguous...as in it doesn't allow for closure? Such might be the case for instance, for those who deal with infertility, aging parents with dementia, the loss of a loved one through suicide or estrangement, those abandoned by a parent, or whose loved one is plagued by addiction or a brain injury to name a few. Persons experiencing such a loss are usually left with a feeling of not knowing how to move forward, and often live with feelings of uncertainty, sadness, confusion, guilt, anxiety, or doubt. How does one cope with "frozen" grief?

• Don't pressure yourself to just move on: Take one day at a time. While there is no closure, there is hope for learning how to "carry" your grief. It may be necessary to seek the help of a professional, especially if it affects your ability to function, or if you seek to escape through addictive substances or harmful behavior.
• Seek support from loving, open minded, non-judgmental friends or family members.
• Take REALLY good care of yourself: Good self-care is imperative. Keep yourself well balanced physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 
• Ask for and accept help when needed: Your support people are good for lending a listening ear and offering a shoulder to cry on...but don't underestimate their willingness to help with errands, offer assistance with child-care, or bring in meals to help lift your spirit and lighten your heavy load.
• Remember you are not alone: We don't always know another person's story. I stumbled across this quote by Helen Keller recently. It speaks volumes:

• Don't "stuff your pain". Let the tears fall. Sit with the sadness, and the hurt, and the anger, and the grief. Be realistic about the fact that "it's not OK". It may never be OK. It's unfair and it sucks. But someday, with time, and patience, and healing, you will be OK.
• Don't dwell on the "if only", or "what should have been", or "what might eventually be". Stay in the present. Focus on the here and now. There is so much that is out of your control. Put your effort, and your thinking, and your energy on what's in front of you and keep moving forward. It's a lot harder than it sounds, but it's so essential to your healing and your well-being. 

I know from painful personal experience that ambiguous loss is devastating and ugly, but accepting it can provide one with strength and resilience, allowing them to move forward despite the pain. There is so much in life that is beautiful, amazing, endearing, and so worth the effort we must put forth to find it.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Did That Really Just Happen?

You know those moments when you want to hide under the table, crawl under the carpet or just disappear into thin air? Yeah, me too:

• One day, when I'd been married for about 5 years, I decided to make cornbread...something I'd done many times before. After I'd added all of the ingredients and prepared to put it in the oven, I caught a glimpse of the can of baking powder and noticed it said "double acting". Immediately I envisioned the cornbread expanding and overflowing all over the floor of the oven as it baked for the time indicated in the recipe. I decided to call a friend, who cautiously admitted she'd never heard of double acting baking powder. I hung up and called another friend...and another and another and another, each of whom responded with the same non helpful "I have no idea what to tell you" response to my ever growing dilemma. I finally decided to call an elderly neighbor lady who listened intently to my frantic query. "All baking powder is labeled as double acting my dear" she said. "Put it in the oven and let it bake. It's all going to turn out fine."
• One day while working in the warehouse of a department store I was running a ticketing machine that, with the push of a button, printed, cut and pinned the price tag to items of clothing to be sold in the store. I allowed myself to become distracted and carelessly ended up with a straight pin going through my right index finger just above the first joint. I turned to my supervisor and told her what happened and then I passed out.
• While attending a meeting for the women of a church congregation I have never attended before, some of my extended family members and I (we were all visiting) were asked to stand and introduce ourselves. My aunt, who was sitting next to me, stood and introduced herself and then sat down. And then in a weird semiconscious sort of way I stood and introduced myself...as my aunt!
•  In a crazy moment of unrealistic expectation, I took my 2 preschoolers and my newborn with me on a "quick" trip to a department store to purchase myself some new pajamas. It took some searching, but I managed to find what I needed. I realized I'd taken a little too long when I heard a little voice merrily chanting at the top of their lungs "tampon, tampon, tampon-tampon-TAMPON!"  I immediately felt sorry for the poor mother of that child...then suddenly realized it was one of mine! (Note: said child had found a tampon in my diaper bag weeks before this incident, asked what it was, barely listened to my response, and skipped away to play. Ugh)

These are just a few of my embarrassing moments, but not my most embarrassing...I don't share those with the general public! 

Embarrassment usually stems from accidental behaviors, "violations of social standards", that lead you to have negative thoughts about yourself. In my experience with embarrassing situations, I can't help but feel like everyone present is as preoccupied with the situation as I am...all eyes on me, all brains quickly forming judgement, and tongues wagging furiously to compare notes or inform those who may have missed out on the "show". It's awkward and sorely uncomfortable. But it's a part of life...no human being is immune to embarrassment! It's driven by a disconnect between how we perceive we should respond and act in public vs. how we actually do respond and act in public. And getting through it can be most challenging. But here are a few things I've learned that make it a little smoother:

• Don't avoid the situation. Sit with it. Take a deep breath. It's best to talk yourself down and try to relax. Sometimes I can laugh it off. Sometimes I have to just be  still and keep my mouth shut to prevent the tears from overflowing. It likely will still sting, but will be a little more bearable.
• Don't apologize...unless you actually did something wrong. Apologizing unnecessarily over and over again, just makes the situation more awkward for everyone involved. 
• Don't focus on the fact that your face turned bright red. This happens as a result of the "fight or flight" response that kicks in because your brain sees embarrassment as a threat. The veins in your face and neck dilate to allow fresh blood and oxygen to flow. Put the focus instead on your breathing; taking slow deep breaths will help immensely. 
• Shut down the shame tapes. Those thoughts of regret or beating yourself up emotionally are destructive. Bring yourself out of that loop into the present. Change the subject, or make a silly joke about what happened. Most people can easily relate to how you're feeling and will just go with it. Those who don't...you don't need them around anyway!
• Stop freaking out about how many people are still thinking or talking about what happened. The truth is most of the people in the room probably were so distracted with what was right in front of them that chances are they didn't even notice. Those who did notice, have likely moved on.  And so should you! Fire that committee in your head.
• Don't beat yourself up. Let it be what it is...an isolated embarrassing moment. Don't let it define you.

OK so obviously some things are a little easier to recover from than others; making a poor choice, an act of retaliation, speaking unnecessarily hurtful words will likely take longer to get past than, say, spilling food down the front of your shirt, or tripping over your own feet in public. But eventually you need to forgive yourself. Learn a lesson (if you've actually done something wrong) and move forward. It may take some time, but it's worth the time and effort to avoid ruining your future by obsessing and being stuck in the past.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

So...What Are You Going To Do With That?

We've all been there at one time or another: 

Just received bad news. Can't get kids to cooperate. Hard day at the office. Family pet just died. Failing classes in school. Taking care of ailing parents. . Have a migraine. Fought with sibling this morning. Forgot to do homework. Feeling ignored. Needs aren't being met. Can't pay the bills. Car totaled in an accident. Foreclosure on house. Feeling annoyed. Laid off from job. Feeling depressed. Lonely. Anxious. Being bullied at school. Feeling guilt. Spouse diagnosed with terminal illness. No friends. Vacation cancelled. Overworked. Underpaid. Victim of crime. Not enough sleep. Being abused. Unwanted pregnancy. Heart broken. Can't catch a break. Worried. Emotionally exhausted.

And yet, we choose to put on the face that says "I'm fine" as sometimes the humiliation of being broken, or fear of bursting the emotional dam is too much to handle. Feeling pain, expressing emotion...even the negative ones...is part of the raw human experience. And sometimes we feel compelled to deny ourselves that same experience we would willingly allow another human being. We hold ourselves to a higher standard, make ourselves the exception to the rule because we should be stronger than that, exercise better self control, have a more optimistic attitude.

There are, however, wonderful benefits to communicating our emotions in a healthy manner, in the right context, and with people who truly care about us:

• Venting or processing provides emotional relief and/or helps to alleviate suffering
• It provides a sense of clarity and understanding
• We are better able to find meaning in our experiences and make sense of our emotions
• We can seek advice, solutions, suggestions and feedback
• We are better able to identify and validate our emotions
• We learn to be more compassionate with ourselves and with others
• We become better at nurturing interpersonal relationships
• It helps us to put our experiences into perspective

It's not always easy. Sometimes it requires a huge amount of humility and courage. It requires time and effort and energy. You may find that professional help is necessary; there's nothing wrong with meeting with a therapist who can provide helpful tools to promote healing and coping skills. It can be exhausting and frustrating on many levels. But ultimately, it's one of the best things you can do for yourself. Nothing worth doing is ever easy!

I'm all in! Are you with me?