I've spent the past week trying to decide how to dive into this post. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one affected by it, but it feels like I'm drowning in the ocean of experience with the subject of estrangement. I've been on both ends; I've been the one to walk away, and I've been the one left behind. Either way it's nothing less than heart wrenching.
In walking away I felt justified, but I couldn't shut down the "what if's" and the "whys". While I'd removed myself physically, my heart bounced ferociously between thriving in the "no contact" zone, and grieving the loss of what I craved and needed from said relationship.
On the other hand, being the one left behind has left me with questions unanswered, and a rush of emotion ranging from sadness and anger, to loneliness and intense grief. I've cried rivers of tears and spent many a sleepless night questioning how I can possibly move forward while "pages from the story of my life" have been ripped out, and hurled, along with my heart, into the fiery furnace of tragedy and harsh reality.
It sucks. Really. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, family reunions, celebrations...they all come around, and over and over again I find myself mourning lost opportunities to make memories, crying over incomplete family photos, craving hugs and expressions of love, and longing to know if the person is well physically and/or emotionally; in some instances I'm left to wonder if they're dead or alive. My heart desires to greet each new day with patience and hope and certainty, trying to convince me that there's no reason to be sad or angry because eventually it's "going to be OK"; any minute they're going to "walk through the door", "waltz back into my life" and all will be right with the world. And then reality slams me to the floor, as if to penalize me for being such a fool as days and weeks turn into months and years. It's a stupid psychological roller coaster that leaves one wishing for immediate access to an eject button, as being catapulted into finality, though potentially devastating, might put an end to the constant "puking" from "emotion" sickness.
So how does one cope with estrangement? That's a really good question. I don't think there's a universal right answer for every single situation but there are some things that will start you in the right direction:
Sometimes hearts heal and relationships mend. And sometimes they don't. But I've learned to cherish what's right in my life, to express gratitude for the healthy relationships I have, and pray for those who are lost to me. I don't have all of the answers, but I try to remember God does. You may not have much control over your circumstances, but you can choose how you deal with them.
I'm all in! Are you with me?
In walking away I felt justified, but I couldn't shut down the "what if's" and the "whys". While I'd removed myself physically, my heart bounced ferociously between thriving in the "no contact" zone, and grieving the loss of what I craved and needed from said relationship.
On the other hand, being the one left behind has left me with questions unanswered, and a rush of emotion ranging from sadness and anger, to loneliness and intense grief. I've cried rivers of tears and spent many a sleepless night questioning how I can possibly move forward while "pages from the story of my life" have been ripped out, and hurled, along with my heart, into the fiery furnace of tragedy and harsh reality.
It sucks. Really. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, family reunions, celebrations...they all come around, and over and over again I find myself mourning lost opportunities to make memories, crying over incomplete family photos, craving hugs and expressions of love, and longing to know if the person is well physically and/or emotionally; in some instances I'm left to wonder if they're dead or alive. My heart desires to greet each new day with patience and hope and certainty, trying to convince me that there's no reason to be sad or angry because eventually it's "going to be OK"; any minute they're going to "walk through the door", "waltz back into my life" and all will be right with the world. And then reality slams me to the floor, as if to penalize me for being such a fool as days and weeks turn into months and years. It's a stupid psychological roller coaster that leaves one wishing for immediate access to an eject button, as being catapulted into finality, though potentially devastating, might put an end to the constant "puking" from "emotion" sickness.
So how does one cope with estrangement? That's a really good question. I don't think there's a universal right answer for every single situation but there are some things that will start you in the right direction:
- Acknowledge the pain: My gut instinct is to try to ignore the pain because it's intense and overwhelming. But just like with physical pain, if I let my emotional pain get out of control it's hard to get a handle on it. It never really goes away, but there are things I can do to manage it: write in my journal, relax in a warm bath, go for a long walk, listen to calm peaceful music, sleep, distract my mind with a lighthearted movie or TV show, do a crossword or jigsaw puzzle, get out some play dough or kinetic sand, or coloring to name a few.
- Rely on the support of trusted family members and friends. You don't need to do this alone. You shouldn't do this alone. Reach out to those who can best offer you a nonjudgmental listening ear and a compassionate understanding heart.
- Join a support group: There are support groups specifically for estrangement between adult parents and their children, and for estranged siblings. Sometimes it helps to know there are others who have similar experience.
- Seek professional help: If you're experiencing debilitating anxiety, depression, a constant state of stress, fear, anger, loneliness, and/or intense sadness, a mental health professional can provide guidance and tools to help you cope.
- Grieve your loss: It doesn't matter who's at fault. It is what it is...a painful loss. Be kind to yourself and allow time and space for the process of healing.
- Try your best to move forward: Life is going to keep moving right along. Don't sacrifice the present or the future by dwelling on regrets of the past. It's easier said than done, but eventually you have to stop "peeking over your shoulder" searching for what you've lost, and focus on what's ahead of you. Find the joy in the here and now.
Sometimes hearts heal and relationships mend. And sometimes they don't. But I've learned to cherish what's right in my life, to express gratitude for the healthy relationships I have, and pray for those who are lost to me. I don't have all of the answers, but I try to remember God does. You may not have much control over your circumstances, but you can choose how you deal with them.
I'm all in! Are you with me?
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