It's More Than My Heart Can Take And The World Just Keeps On Spinning

Loss is harsh. We've all been through it...divorce or break up of a relationship, death of a pet or loved one, the sale of a treasured family home, retirement or being laid off from a job, the onset of life-changing health conditions. a miscarriage...

And following loss comes the stages of grief:

1. Denial: "This can't be happening to me"
2. Anger: "Why is this happening to me?"
3. Bargaining: "Please don't let this happen to me...take it away and I will ________"
4. Depression: "I'm overwhelmed with debilitating sadness"
5. Acceptance: "I'm at peace with what has happened/is happening"

Grieving is different for everyone. There are many factors such as coping style, personality, life experience, faith, and the significance of the loss. Some people begin to feel better in weeks or months, but sometimes it takes years before healing takes place. There is no normal...it just is what is for each and every individual. It takes time, and requires patience.

But what if your loss is ambiguous...as in it doesn't allow for closure? Such might be the case for instance, for those who deal with infertility, aging parents with dementia, the loss of a loved one through suicide or estrangement, those abandoned by a parent, or whose loved one is plagued by addiction or a brain injury to name a few. Persons experiencing such a loss are usually left with a feeling of not knowing how to move forward, and often live with feelings of uncertainty, sadness, confusion, guilt, anxiety, or doubt. How does one cope with "frozen" grief?

• Don't pressure yourself to just move on: Take one day at a time. While there is no closure, there is hope for learning how to "carry" your grief. It may be necessary to seek the help of a professional, especially if it affects your ability to function, or if you seek to escape through addictive substances or harmful behavior.
• Seek support from loving, open minded, non-judgmental friends or family members.
• Take REALLY good care of yourself: Good self-care is imperative. Keep yourself well balanced physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 
• Ask for and accept help when needed: Your support people are good for lending a listening ear and offering a shoulder to cry on...but don't underestimate their willingness to help with errands, offer assistance with child-care, or bring in meals to help lift your spirit and lighten your heavy load.
• Remember you are not alone: We don't always know another person's story. I stumbled across this quote by Helen Keller recently. It speaks volumes:

• Don't "stuff your pain". Let the tears fall. Sit with the sadness, and the hurt, and the anger, and the grief. Be realistic about the fact that "it's not OK". It may never be OK. It's unfair and it sucks. But someday, with time, and patience, and healing, you will be OK.
• Don't dwell on the "if only", or "what should have been", or "what might eventually be". Stay in the present. Focus on the here and now. There is so much that is out of your control. Put your effort, and your thinking, and your energy on what's in front of you and keep moving forward. It's a lot harder than it sounds, but it's so essential to your healing and your well-being. 

I know from painful personal experience that ambiguous loss is devastating and ugly, but accepting it can provide one with strength and resilience, allowing them to move forward despite the pain. There is so much in life that is beautiful, amazing, endearing, and so worth the effort we must put forth to find it.

I'm all in! Are you with me?