F.E.A.R.

I haven't posted in awhile. There's been far too much drama trying to creep into my life and I'm exhausted from fighting to keep it out. I'm much too old and much too focused on making the best of my remaining time here to get wrapped up in such crap. There is absolutely no room for selfish words, toxic behavior, or ulterior motives in my life. I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to learn better ways and protect my own personal sense of well-being on every level.

This past week has been difficult as the 7th anniversary of a traumatizing and life changing event came calling like an unavoidable guest sitting on the front porch of my soul. My husband of then 26 years attempted suicide in a brutally horrific manner, losing nearly 1/2 of his blood in the process and ultimately failing in his attempt. It's painful for my heart and mind to relive the ordeal, but so healing emotionally to see just how far I've come in those 7 years. I seriously doubt the shock and pain will ever go away, but they do seem to have decreased in intensity with time, for which I am most grateful. I've done SO much hard work emotionally, in therapy and on my own. But, ultimately the progress has come due to the passing of time and the love and patience of my Father in Heaven as He's taught me how to shift my mindset, learn how to move forward, and accept the responsibility I have to forgive. Forgiving is a process, but I'm profoundly aware that it's more for my good than for the good of those I am asked to forgive.

Yesterday was my day to celebrate the "new" me with my #noFEAR theme...Forget Everything And Remember...remember who I am, where I've come from, the grace of God that has lead me to where I am today, and how incredibly thankful I am for the journey. My eldest daughter joins me in this day long event each year; amazingly, it was her idea to start this tradition 3 years ago and it has been one we will continue to treasure together. The day is always started with breakfast at a favorite restaurant where we enjoy an unhurried meal and an opportunity to revisit the "event", talk through the pain, and celebrate our victories in overcoming and healing through the past year. She is a wise soul and I cherish the fact that we have become dear forever friends. After breakfast, we find meaningful ways to spend our time reminiscing, and planning how we will move forward in the coming year. Her insight and perspective are amazing and I always leave at the end of the day wishing it would never end.

While there are individuals I've shared my story with, for the most part it's a secret I've kept to myself. Shame, and the guilt of disclosing the details of someone else's story have prevented me from going public. But, it's a part of me, a chapter in the story of MY life, and MINE to learn and heal from, as well as an opportunity to open my heart and offer true empathy and compassion to those who may have similar experience. Oh how I wish I'd had someone to turn to in the midst of my mess, someone who knew exactly what I was feeling, what I was thinking, how fear and anger, and confusion and guilt and shame swallowed me whole and threatened to ultimately destroy me. My life would have been blessed to know someone else who had survived it and come out with hope and healing and faith and courage on the other side.

Now that I'm on the other side, I'm humbled and grateful to know I can potentially be that person for someone else. And today, the burden and heaviness of secrecy is lifted as I openly share here. I am free. I am healing. And I am grateful for all I've learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life. I have a deep scar that will never go away, but I wear it without shame. It's a beautiful reminder of my strength, my courage, and the continued growth of my inner child toward the  beautiful, capable, and amazing woman she is becoming, and having so much to offer in the legacy I can now leave for those who come after me. And thanks be to God for His amazing love and patience, and for His grace He so willingly extends to me, a daughter He so valiantly fights for.

As my "new" year begins, I feel hopeful and renewed. I am becoming more and more appreciative of the good that comes from the difficult trials I experience in life. I am gaining courage and confidence in my ability to conquer and overcome the boulders of adversity that sometimes overwhelm me with setbacks and discouragement. And I'm ready to again move forward without delay.

I'm all in my friend! Are you with me?

Don't Let it Be You

I obviously have no memory of the day I was born. However, I like to imagine it was a beautiful day, filled with gloriously warm sunshine that pierced a deep ocean blue sky.

My earliest memories are scarce, but begin about the age of 3. However, I'm not addressing memories here; I'm choosing to focus on the very day I experienced pain, and light, and cold, and hunger for the very first time.

I know what it's like to welcome a newborn into the world. I've given birth to 4 children, and will never ever forget the awe and wonder I experienced as each one was placed in my arms for the first time; staring at their precious cherub faces, admiring their tiny button noses and perfectly pink pouty lips, counting their tiny fingers and toes, all the while wondering how it was possible that I could already be so in love:

Connection

Only moments ago

I wondered who you were;

Now that I am holding you

My heart begins to stir.

Suddenly I recognize

Now that we’re together,

I would give up everything

To be with you forever.

-Karla Claybrook

Then reality sets in with little to no sleep, endless feedings and diaper changes, teething and crying, and crankiness. And anxiety. And doubt and fear, and sometimes even in the best of circumstances, a flood of "what was I thinking?" There's no handbook. And no two children are alike. And you don't have enough hands (Or elbows. Or patience). Mix in a few more children and a little a lot more chaos. Oh and suffocatingly deep dark depression...therein lies the makings of shattered dreams of too many once hopeful adolescent hearts. And most of them suffer in silence.

My mom was one of those. I didn't have the maturity to understand her suffering, but I remember vividly her frustration each time she returned from a doctor's appointment. "I'm just fat, forty, and neurotic", she'd say with disgust. Sadly, that became a sort of a joke to my dad, but I never heard her laugh about it. I know now she was probably drowning in despair. 

Unfortunately, life in our home was far from ideal. But by the grace of God, I survived. Healing has taken the majority of my entire adult life. But I can't help but look at the sweet little face in that worn black and white photo, with awe and respect, and a heart full of love and gratitude. With my whole life ahead of me, I entered the world so precious and fragile, and innocent to the reality of what lay ahead of me. And I've conquered with determination, and courage, and faith that has firmly connected my heart to the Master Healer.

That day, more than half a century ago, was indeed, an extraordinary day. It was the humble beginning of my miraculous journey to my very best self. While many experiences have been harsh, and the scars too numerous to count, I wouldn't trade the lessons or the blessings for anything this world has to offer. And I LOVE who that precious baby girl is becoming!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Don't Give Away Your Power!

We all walk around like a closed book, but everyone of us has a story...stories filled with terror, tragedy, betrayal or unfairness. And we all have scars. Some of our scars are physical and cannot be hidden. But some are emotional and cannot be seen. One may look to have survived life unscathed, appear to have it all together, seem to have everything going their way...but it would be foolish to believe such a thing...and the enticing trap of "my life has been ruined" lies deceitfully waiting as a tiger about to pounce on their prey, to destroy the one who chooses to hand over their power to overcome, to heal, to thrive and survive. Don't get me wrong. I'm not downplaying the horrendous effects of the harsh realities of life. But I have witnessed the power of grit and courage, in my personal life, and in the lives of others who have determined to change the outcome of their life story. It's never an easy thing, but choosing to be a survivor, to overcome, to learn lessons, to recognize blessings, to forgive, to become an advocate, to rise to the challenge, instills courage, enables growth, and leads to otherwise unforeseen opportunities to inspire and encourage, and make a difference in the lives of others. 

So how does one choose to be a survivor, to find grit and courage to rise above the cruel injustices of life? Here are some ideas that might be helpful:

• Recognize the perceived advantages of victim mentality: First: It feels good to get sympathy and attention from other people. However, eventually people grow tired of it and move on. Second: It protects you from risking rejection or failure, but traps you in a cycle of excuses, keeping you from taking any necessary action. Third: It allows you to avoid making any difficult decisions or choices, but ultimately keeps you from taking control of your own life. There is power to saying NO! to the victim mentality.
• Be OK with finding a new way to define yourself. Choosing not to focus on what's happened to you, the need for revenge or retribution, or on the unfairness of the hand life has dealt you empowers you to find courage, take risks, create your own happiness, find ways to serve and bless the lives of others.
• Take personal responsibility for your own life. Stop looking for someone or something to blame when things don't go the way you want them to, when you make a mistake, when life gets hard, or when you feel overwhelmed. Things happen. People judge. The words and actions of others are sometimes hurtful. The weather is unpredictable. Freak accidents come out of nowhere. Crime, death, illness, financial ruin, debilitating accidents, broken trust, ruined relationships, embarrassing incidents...they all happen. You are not alone. The world is not out to destroy you. 
• Express gratitude. Look at all of the people who DO love you, all of the things that ARE going right in your life. And remember there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse off than you do. Count your blessings. Name them ONE by ONE. There is power in a grateful heart.
• Choose forgiveness. It's not so much for the person who has harmed or deceived you, as for the peace you will feel in your heart if you choose to let go and move on. Forgiveness doesn't mean pretend like nothing happened and go be best friends with the one you're forgiving. You need boundaries. And you may need to remove yourself from their toxicity. "Turn the other cheek" sometimes means, turn and walk away. Don't let anger, malice, revenge, or contempt rule your life or steal your heart. Let go. And move on. It's no longer yours.
• Find someone to serve. The best and most effective healing comes when we reach outside of ourselves. Volunteer in your community, mow a neighbor's lawn, teach a child a new skill, participate in a cause...be the one who makes the difference.
• Cut yourself some slack. Some days will be easier than others. Cry the tears, talk about the hard stuff, deal with the emotions, and don't ignore the pain. Pain is a signal to your body and mind that something needs attention to promote healing. Pay attention. But don't draw unnecessary attention.

Healing is hard. Finding courage can much of the time prove to be a daunting task, but it far outweighs the benefits of drowning in self pity. Surround yourself with people who are strong, and encouraging, and determined to make the best they can with the life they've been given, and you will be filled with well deserved peace and joy, and a life very much worth living!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I Was Meant To Be With You

When I was in elementary school, my family moved around a lot. Before I'd finished 6th grade (middle school, or junior high as it was called back then, included grades 7-9), my family had lived in 2 different states, 3 different communities and 5 different homes...and I'd attended a total of 5 schools. I was a shy child who didn't connect with friends very easily; this made life a bit complicated, which in turn gave me great anxiety. I didn't have the wherewithal to question my life's circumstances, nor did I feel I had much choice in the matter. "Keep your mouth shut and go with the flow"...that was my "self-talk" from a very early age. "Take what life throws at you", I told myself, "and whatever happens, happens. Don't make waves. Keep the peace. Put a smile on your face and hope for the best". 

While sitting in Mr. Eagan's 5th grade classroom at the close of one pretty ordinary school day, I took a piece of paper and a pencil from my desk, and randomly decided to calculate the ages of all the members of my family the year I was to graduate from high school; there were 8 of us, including my two parents: hmmm...47, 44, 24, 21, 18, 16, 12 and 8. Wow! My parents will be old! And that was that. It never entered my mind to go a little further down that road: And then what? What will I do after high school? What occupation will I be interested in pursuing? What kind of car will I drive? Where will I live? Who will I marry? How many children will we have? What will I be like when I'm as old as my parents? There was very little in the way of pondering and planning; life was not an adventure over which I had any say, but rather something that happened to me...something to be endured.

When I actually graduated from high school, I felt lost. The prospect of adulthood had toyed with me, but came upon me as unexpectedly as a cat ending his game of chase with a sudden pounce of sheer determination and exact precision. Circumstances forced me to take actions I was ill prepared for, and I was thrown head first into the unbridled whirlpool of my reality.

I attended a community college with no end game in mind. I took classes that would still leave me unprepared for a solid future; every day was the same...get up, go to class, go home and study, work at a minimum wage dead end job for a few hours, go home and go to bed. I "lived" for the weekend, but even then I really had no idea what to do with myself. A friend and I decided to attend an out-of-state junior college. I obtained the application, filled it out, turned it in, and got accepted. But I never went; I hadn't even thought far enough ahead to consider how I'd get there, let alone how to pay for it.

Fast forward thirty-five years, in which time I'd survived a lot of crap and trauma, loved with all the intensity my heart had to offer, and matured well past the age my parents were when I'd graduated from high school. But in all that time, I never dreamed. I never planned. Life happened...I just took it as it came, an hour, a week, a year at a time, anxiously watching it unfold from the sidelines.

Until about a year ago...

I'm not sure what happened...maybe it's the realization that over half a century of my life has passed...the majority of my mortal existence is done and gone. Perhaps I'm too old to be so afraid of the unknown anymore. Or I suppose, it's because I've learned there's no room for regrets. Whatever the case, I've come to the realization that it's never too late to take the reins. I'm never going to be too old to dream...to make something  specific happen in my life. I choose to be the master of my fate. Me and my destiny...we were meant to be together. My dreams are now much different than they would have been in my youth. The door of opportunity is in a different location, and the road to success has changed course, but I have an opinion, a desire, a say in how the rest of my life plays out. And, I can't wait to see how it all comes together! (My ten year old self would be so proud!)

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Calculated Change!