When You Step Up to the Door...and It Closes and Locks Right In Front of You

Blindside. Holy cow. I couldn't prevent it. I couldn't prepare for it. And...I barely have the strength to recover from it. It flipped my world upside down and backwards, and wreaked havoc with my heart and mind, sneaking in with such stealth that I couldn't anticipate the force of its awful blow.

I can barely function. It feels like the emotional equivalent of a severe stomach flu. I feel like I'm glued to my mattress when I first open my eyes to the bright sunlight pouring through my window in the early morning hours. And I resist the idea of going to bed at night until I can barely hold myself upright, because I don't want to have to get up again in the morning. My thoughts weigh heavy on my depression saturated brain. Surges of intense sadness savagely overwhelm me, and sudden bursts of tears, as if on cue, race down my cheeks and drip all over my freshly washed clothes.

I am a mess. Instinctively I want to be left alone. But the intensity of the loneliness inside me is insane. I'm so weary mentally and emotionally, and physically, that I can't think or not think. I know that's so contradictory. But it's the truth. I can't keep my mind in the present moment. But I can't stop thinking about what happened. There are a million things I should be doing, but I can't make sense of any order or priority.

Time is critical, but it passes in an uneven cadence. Sometimes minutes seem like days, and days seem like minutes. I find I must dig deep and be motivated to keep going because life changing decisions are staring me in the face. When I look ahead, I'm filled with a sense of urgency, but I long for the day of peaceful realization that everything has fallen into place with life settled into a predictable pattern of familiarity. I want full disclosure of the outcome, but dread the process that will eventually lead me there. I am filled with anxiety; I can't afford to do nothing, as that will lead to even more stress and overwhelm in the coming weeks. And no one else shares in the responsibility of making those decisions. I stand completely alone. I have no one to blame if I sink, or if I swim.

I hate doing this by myself. It's an overwhelming thing to shoulder the future alone. Unlike the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books my children used to read, determining which page to turn to next in this chapter of my life leaves me feeling a little very apprehensive; one wrong turn and I may get caught in the unintentional demolition of my carefully thought out plans. One more drastic plot twist just doesn't work for me at this point.

So every day I choose to get out of my bed. I choose to kneel in prayer to petition God for strength, and guidance, and peace. I choose to shower and get dressed, put on my makeup and fix my hair. I choose to go for a walk so I can clear my head for just a few minutes to focus and prioritize, and plan how to best manage my time. I choose to sit with my emotions instead of stuffing them down into the bottomless pit of hopelessness and despair. I choose to avoid the temptation to waste time scrolling on social media, or mindlessly binging on Netflix drama. I choose to eat well and avoid junk food. I choose to keep myself hydrated. And I choose to believe someday I will look back and see the beautiful lessons and blessings that will surely come from this gut wrenching experience.

It's hard. And it's exhausting on every level. But I'm pushing through. And eventually I'm going to be okay. I don't know how this mess is going to turn out. But one day, one choice, one action at a time will somehow eventually make it very clear.

I'm all in. Are you with me?

Don't Let it Be You

I obviously have no memory of the day I was born. However, I like to imagine it was a beautiful day, filled with gloriously warm sunshine that pierced a deep ocean blue sky.

My earliest memories are scarce, but begin about the age of 3. However, I'm not addressing memories here; I'm choosing to focus on the very day I experienced pain, and light, and cold, and hunger for the very first time.

I know what it's like to welcome a newborn into the world. I've given birth to 4 children, and will never ever forget the awe and wonder I experienced as each one was placed in my arms for the first time; staring at their precious cherub faces, admiring their tiny button noses and perfectly pink pouty lips, counting their tiny fingers and toes, all the while wondering how it was possible that I could already be so in love:

Connection

Only moments ago

I wondered who you were;

Now that I am holding you

My heart begins to stir.

Suddenly I recognize

Now that we’re together,

I would give up everything

To be with you forever.

-Karla Claybrook

Then reality sets in with little to no sleep, endless feedings and diaper changes, teething and crying, and crankiness. And anxiety. And doubt and fear, and sometimes even in the best of circumstances, a flood of "what was I thinking?" There's no handbook. And no two children are alike. And you don't have enough hands (Or elbows. Or patience). Mix in a few more children and a little a lot more chaos. Oh and suffocatingly deep dark depression...therein lies the makings of shattered dreams of too many once hopeful adolescent hearts. And most of them suffer in silence.

My mom was one of those. I didn't have the maturity to understand her suffering, but I remember vividly her frustration each time she returned from a doctor's appointment. "I'm just fat, forty, and neurotic", she'd say with disgust. Sadly, that became a sort of a joke to my dad, but I never heard her laugh about it. I know now she was probably drowning in despair. 

Unfortunately, life in our home was far from ideal. But by the grace of God, I survived. Healing has taken the majority of my entire adult life. But I can't help but look at the sweet little face in that worn black and white photo, with awe and respect, and a heart full of love and gratitude. With my whole life ahead of me, I entered the world so precious and fragile, and innocent to the reality of what lay ahead of me. And I've conquered with determination, and courage, and faith that has firmly connected my heart to the Master Healer.

That day, more than half a century ago, was indeed, an extraordinary day. It was the humble beginning of my miraculous journey to my very best self. While many experiences have been harsh, and the scars too numerous to count, I wouldn't trade the lessons or the blessings for anything this world has to offer. And I LOVE who that precious baby girl is becoming!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

God Has Granted Me That Blessing!

It's July and life has thrown me a curve ball once again. I'm beginning to see a pattern here. In July 2013 circumstances changed so drastically in my (chronically unhealthy) marriage that I finally separated myself physically, so I could heal myself emotionally. There's a whole lot of backstory there, but I'm not willing to share it here. Not much has changed in 6 years, so we are still separated.

In July 2016, I once again found myself in an upheaval of life circumstances, and moved out of state. It was an adjustment as I'd been in the same community for nearly 40 years. Moving to new surroundings brings a new "culture", and the task of getting to know people and places and new routines. It can be a bit overwhelming, but I had the luxury of time, and wonderful people, and beautiful scenery on my side. It didn't take long before I felt like I'd actually come home.

Now, here I am in July of 2019. Just a little over a month ago, life dealt me a few major blows...all at once. I'm now in my late 50's, seeking employment at minimum wage while trying to get a business off the ground, empty nesting by myself because I'm married to a man who is completely disconnected, and yet again, on my way to a brand new start in another community I am unfamiliar with. How does that sound for fair? It's not. My dad always said "Life wasn't meant to be fair". That was such an annoying thing to hear when I was young, But being a short 11 years from the age he was when he passed away, I see with more mature eyes and mind the truth of his unsolicited wisdom.

It's so easy to feel victimized by the mountains of adversity that suddenly appear out of nowhere; when there's no way to go around, instead of up and over such unpredictable and unfamiliar, treacherous, heaven bound peaks of affliction...especially when they appear to have lined up in a range of never ending pain and struggle. But it happens. So what are you gonna to do?

I used to feel sorry for myself. Spread the word like jam to bread, to anyone within earshot. It didn't matter if I knew you or not, if I thought you cared or not. My lamenting empowered my victim mentality, and I felt validated in my misery. But that, my friend, did nothing for getting me through the hard stuff. It trapped me in a mindset that served me about as well as quicksand.

Complaining was toxic. It actually made things look worse in the long run. I found it easy to blow things out of proportion. And the worse they appeared, the worse I felt. It became a viscous cycle. I fed my complaints, which in turn fed my negativity. My focus was so fixed on could and should, that my anxiety went through the roof. I lost my perspective, bypassing my ability to look at what I could and couldn't control, leaving me in a spin of anger, sadness, disappointment, and self-pity. And to what end? Unnecessary stress and complete misery.

You want to know what works better? Staying in the present moment. Shutting my mouth and opening my mind AND my heart. Counting my blessings. That's a crock of poop to some of you. But it's the poopy truth. STOP. BE STILL. QUIT COMPLAINING. Sit down. Pick up a pen and put it to paper. Write down all of the good things in your life...the people that love you, the things that are going right, the positives that get you through the day. Stop lying to yourself and to everyone around you. Take off your crown drama queen. And get real. Your mom was right. There ARE people in this world who are A LOT WORSE OFF than you.

Yes, I'm taking my own advice. I've discovered good things about this new mountain I'm climbing:

• I'll always have a roof over my head. God has granted me that blessing.
• Regardless of how my husband does or doesn't feel about me, I'm surrounded by people...friends and loved ones...who love and adore me. God has granted me that blessing.
• This is an opportunity to meet new people. I LOVE people! God has granted me that blessing.
• I'm up for a fresh start! God has granted me that blessing.
• I have an opportunity to learn new skills. God has granted me that blessing.
• I'll be able to shop at my favorite grocery store! God has granted me that blessing.
• I have a car that runs well. God has granted me that blessing.
• If I need them, there are multiple modes of public transportation. God has granted me that blessing.
• I'll have a whole new pool of contacts for networking in my business. God has granted me that blessing.
• 3 of my 4 children, and all of my grandchildren will be a short 2 hours away. God has granted me that blessing.
• I will still be close to the mountains I have come to love! God has granted me that blessing.
• I will be surrounded by family support. God has granted me that blessing.
• I will have my own safe space. God has granted me that blessing.
• I won't have to battle with loneliness. God has granted me that blessing.
• I am filled with tremendous inner peace. God has granted me that blessing.

Reality is, everyone has hard stuff. Everyone has a story. But it's not a competition. We don't need to outdo others with the details of our hardships, our traumas, or our day to day problems. We need more compassion...for ourselves and for each other. But it has to start with you. And with me. I'm committed to calling on my courage, climbing without complaint, and extending compassion to myself and my fellow earthlings. We are all in this together!💜

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Have Some "Self" Compassion

Making The Connection

Depression is a monster. Most people don't know this about me, but I've suffered with mild to moderate bouts of depression throughout my life. The rearing of it's ugly head is usually situational for me...childhood abuse, bullying in middle school and high school, three harsh and lonely decades of being the single parent to my four children (married to a "checked out" man), dealing with toxic relationships, health issues, deaths of loved ones, and traumatic suicide/suicide attempts of people I love and care deeply about...and it sucks the living daylights out of me.

A few times I've been on medication. But the stigma of taking meds (as in "Really? You need to get over yourself. It's people like you that drive up the insurance rates!" Yes. Someone actually said that to me) convinced me it was a cop out so I quit. No meds. No coping skills. No support. Nowhere to turn. And I was a mess. I started envisioning myself driving into oncoming traffic. Not just once in awhile, but almost every single time I got in the car to go anywhere. And once when I visited Crater Lake in Oregon, I stood on the rim and considered "falling in". But I couldn't do that to my three children who were standing right there beside me. The next day I sought professional help.

More commonly, I have periods of time when it just hangs around, hovering like a pesky wasp waiting for exactly the right moment to go in for the sting. I can feel it staring me down. It's just under the surface mocking my will to keep functioning, in spite of the battle to resist crawling back in my bed, and burying myself in the comfort of my deceivingly safe little world of "I don't give a crap".

Learning to live with depression is tricky. *I do not advocate "no medication." Depending on the form and severity of their depression, some people require medication. If that's you take it! And stay on it! Even when you're feeling really good. Even when you think it's not working. And work closely with your medical professional to maintain the optimal dosage. 
My depression has been manageable with therapy and laser focused self-care:

• Exercise is essential. I know. It sucks to get out and do anything when depression is in your face. But I'm telling you, from personal experience, moving your body releases "feel good endorphins" and enhances your sense of well-being. It also helps to distract your attention from your worries and feelings of emotional overwhelm. You don't have to go to the gym and work up a sweat for an hour; just a slow five minute walk will make a difference.
• Therapy has been extremely helpful for me. It takes time to find a good therapist so don't settle for just anyone. These are the things I look for in a good therapist:
• Do they take your insurance?
• Are they taking new clients?
• Do they specialize in/have experience working with clients with depression?
• Do they offer tools for helping you cope with your triggers?
• Are they willing to educate you about what you can do to help yourself?
• Do they offer links to outside support (groups, classes, articles, websites etc)?
• Do they have the mindset of helping you to "graduate" OR keeping you coming back to replenish their bank account?
• Are they personable?
• Do they listen/validate you?
• Remember they work for YOU. You are HIRING them to help you. If they don't meet your needs/expectations "FIRE" them and move on to someone else!
• Sleep is an ongoing issue. When I'm in the midst of a bout of depression (but functional) I avoid bedtime like the plague...for the simple reason (though it doesn't really make sense when I try to explain it) that I don't want to have to get up the next day. Of course staying up and avoiding sleep altogether is pointless and just makes life more unbearable. I have to work hard to get my brain off of that track and just do the best I can to force myself to go to bed anyway. I've found doing whatever I can to improve my sleep habits (especially when I'm feeling good) does make a difference. 
• I like to take a warm shower before going to bed. Just standing under that warm water and letting it cascade down my entire body really helps me feel more relaxed.
• I've discovered if I eat anything past 7pm it very much affects my sleep. I'm restless, have weird dreams, and feel much less inclined to get up the next day. It's a vicious cycle. So I just don't go there.
• I love to pray before I go to sleep. I just kneel by my bed and let all of my thoughts and feelings out...no holding back. Many times that starts a cascade of tears, but I don't mind as that release also helps me feel more relaxed.
• Sometimes I write in my journal before I get in bed. I used to write down all of my thoughts, but I've discovered just writing down things I'm thankful for works much better for a good mindset before sleep. Sometimes it's a whole page, but more often than not it's just one or two simple expressions of gratitude.
• I also love to watch or listen to something uplifting before bedtime rolls around. A show on TV, a movie, a podcast, a YouTube video, a TED talk...there's so much good we can access to fill our minds with peace and comfort. A little uplifting goes a long way for a weary heart and soul.
• Pay attention to what you eat. If you're like me, when depression hits you just want to stuff your face...or eat nothing at all. There doesn't seem to be a middle of the road. Nutrition is an important factor in how you feel physically, and emotionally as well. Sounds weird right? But let me explain:

• Your brain and your digestive system are connected...literally. The vagus nerve runs from the base of your brain down your spine and into your abdomen. It's connected to several parts of your gut, including your stomach and intestines, and relays information from your gut to your brain. Since 90% of serotonin (a chemical naturally produced by your body that promotes well-being and happiness...among other important functions) is located in the gut, gut health and diet can positively or negatively affect your mood. This is not to say your depression will be cured through your diet, but you certainly can alleviate your symptoms to some degree with some healthier eating habits.

I hope you've found this helpful. I'll be posting here with more helps with depression at least weekly. Please feel free to reach out if you have questions or would like me to focus specifically on something you're struggling with. DISCLAIMER: I'm not a medical professional. I don't diagnose or suggest/facilitate treatments of any kind. I'm here to offer support and share my experience in the hope that it will be a benefit to someone who, for one reason or another, has suffered in silence. We're in this together! No more going alone.

I'm all in! Are you with me?