"Even If"...It's Still A Part of My Story

It was normal for me. And because it was all I knew, I assumed it was normal for everyone...but I hated it. As months and years passed, I became painfully aware my normal wasn't normal at all; and I found myself drowning in secrecy, shame, anxiety, and a heightened sense of hyper-vigilance. My self-esteem was beaten down and trampled to a dirty, shredded, useless pile of unrecognizable rubbish, and I felt as invisible as if I had never existed. I lived silently in a world of fear, and dreaded the rising of the morning sun. I spent every day going through the motions of  life, carefully avoiding the pull to do or try anything different than the routine I was used to for fear of exposing my hell and my suffocating humiliation. 

Welcome to adulthood they say. You have your whole life ahead of you. The world is your playground. You can do and be whatever you set your mind to. The problem was I was messed up, frightened, insecure, vulnerable, and emotionally scarred...the perfect set-up for getting sucked into an ugly cycle of codependency. I threw myself "in the toilet" for the sake of rescuing and fixing others in an attempt to fill my desperate unquenchable need for love and affection. 

Eventually I sought professional help. It allowed me to work through what I was dealing with, but I didn't really feel any different on the inside. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, how disgustingly gross I felt, the way I felt so inferior around other people. I felt unworthy of love and kindness even as I desperately craved attention and acceptance. I shunned the rare compliments I received from others and convinced myself they were all lies because people didn't know the real me buried deep in the muck and mire of my irrational perception of myself.

Years passed but nothing changed. As I reached each of the milestones one expects to experience in life, I got better at putting on and perfecting the facade that hid my pain and protected my heart. But I couldn't run from or erase my truth lurking in the dark corners of my mind, reminding me every moment of every day of my worthlessness.

I can't really pinpoint the exact moment things started to change for me. However, I do know it began with a conscious decision to escape from the prison inside my own head. As crazy as it sounds, I slowly began to question my truth...not the truth of what had happened to me, but my perception of how it had defined me. I thought about my motives, what drove me and determined how I would act and react in any given situation. Why and when did I choose to trust? Exhibit kindness? Be offended? Show compassion? Be approachable? Run away? I questioned (in my head) why someone liked me, and analyzed how a relationship with me benefited them. I began pondering what made my feel inferior to others around me, and challenged my deep seated belief that I had nothing to offer the world. At first there was little in the way of positives I could find, but when I did, I hung on to them and worked tirelessly to firmly attach them in my mind and in my heart as part of my new truth. This didn't happen overnight. It took years...3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Progress was painfully slow, but steady.

Today, 50 years later, I'm still very much aware of that little girl. She is now, and always will be a part of me. I am today, the culmination of all of the good, the bad, the ugly, the reprehensible. My story is not complete without any of it...without her. She is my link to the past, but I am her ticket to the future. I think she'd be mighty proud of the woman I've become, but I couldn't have done it without her courage, her integrity, and her will to thrive. She may not have had much to offer the world, but she offered me everything I needed to make a difference in our little corner of the world. Together we are beautiful. We are kind. We are amazing. We are worthy. And...we are worth it! My future is no longer defined by my past!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Go Ahead and Cancel That Subscription

About a year ago I served on a committee responsible for the planning and execution of a dinner and program for approximately 200-300 women. We spent about 6 weeks planning every detail from the menu right down to the table decor and the lighting that would set the proper ambiance for the event.

On the evening before, while we busied ourselves with setting up tables and chairs, placing our carefully thought out decor around the room, and adding the finishing touch of burlap runners and center pieces for the tables, I suddenly found myself struggling for breath and realized the burlap I'd been handling was a dangerous trigger for my asthma. Having had little to no trouble with my asthma for the 2 years previous, I found myself ill prepared with no inhaler...which added to my feeling of anxiety and panic. 

I quickly excused myself, jumped in my car and speedily drove the 5 minutes it took to arrive home, all the while trying to assess what level of intervention I was going to need. Long story short...I survived, but learned a couple of very important lessons.

1. Always be prepared. I let my inhaler prescription expire and decided not to get it renewed because "I was doing just fine without it". Do you see how well that worked for me? Thankfully, a hot shower, a full dose of antihistamine, a fresh change of clothes, and a whole lot of prayer and patience paid off. And I got right in to my Dr the next morning to get a new prescription, a peak flow meter, and an "asthma plan". (He was a new Dr I'd never seen before due to my moving to a new location). I am now happy to say I'm more educated and more prepared for the next occurrence (I have since realized just how out of control my asthma was even before this incident).
2. Sometimes "toxins" can catch you off guard. I had no idea burlap was so "toxic" for me. I learned the hard way. But I paid attention, made note, and will never ever again allow myself to be subjected to it. I now know it's something I have to stay away from if I want to protect my health. There is no bargaining. No making exceptions.

So why am I telling you this story? Sometimes people are toxic. And just like that burlap affected my physical well-being, they can wreak havoc on a person's mental health and emotional well-being. These are people who: 

• Selfishly take up all of one's time and/or energy
• Constantly criticize others
• Play the role of "victim"; always talk like everything wrong in their life is someone else's fault
• Have a negative mindset; always worried, stressed, pessimistic and complain a lot (disclaimer: It's important to distinguish the difference here between people who are truly toxic and individuals who have a negative outlook because they suffer from clinical depression)
• Have a "short fuse"; always belittling, berating, insulting or yelling. Being around them causes one to feel like they must tread carefully
• Manipulate and use others
• Hurt and disappoint others

It's exhausting; but left unresolved, it can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms which in turn allow a toxic person to have power over an individual for years to come. So what can you do?

• Identify the toxicity: Toxic people are often manipulative and selfish. They are hard to please and impossible to work with. They have difficulty owning their feelings and aren't likely to apologize or admit they are wrong.
• Set healthy boundaries: It will be hard, but it's imperative. Once the boundaries are set, stick with them. Don't make exceptions to the rule.
• Don't be too nice: Toxic people thrive on "niceness". They take advantage and manipulate goodness and kindness to their favor. Be firm. Don't be cruel, but don't be overly accommodating.
• Don't rescue: Don't cave to their "neediness", a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend. Let what's theirs be theirs. If their situation really is critical, direct them to resources or professionals that specialize in catering to those needs.
• Establish clear limits for interactions: Don't allow for the creation of problems or drama in your life.
• Don't try to change them: There is no change for someone who doesn't want to change. If it's working for them, let it be what it is. But step away.

I'd be stupid to expose myself to burlap and trigger my asthma knowingly. Clearly, it's a hazard, a toxin for my lungs. Since breathing is an essential function for a healthy lifestyle, it makes sense to steer clear; to be vigilant and intentionally avoid any further contact. So it is with toxic people. I have enough stress, anxiety, and problems of my own. Life is hard enough without "subscribing to another person's issues". Sometimes toxic people creep into a person's life unexpectedly. Sometimes they're a part of one's family. Some are easier to deal with; in some cases, it may require professional help to gain the tools necessary to make a break. It's a lot of hard work, but the pay-off is well worth it! Health and well-being are a precious commodity. Why would one knowingly hand it over to another person? Life is short. Take it back! Go ahead and cancel that subscription!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

You May Have A Heart of Gold...But So Does A Hard Boiled Egg

I used to be a "fixer"; I felt compelled to:

• Stop pain
• Prevent disappointments
• Solve problems
• Put an end to unhappiness
• Provide rest for the weary
• Worry about individuals
• Stress about predicaments

 I was so busy fixing and stressing and coordinating and planning the lives of friends and family members that I denied my own self-care  with reckless abandon. And it was exhausting! Physically and emotionally consuming.

While "fixing" may appear to give your life purpose and fulfillment, the truth is, there is danger in presuming yourself to be the panacea of all of the difficulties and misfortunes of life:

• Your drive to "fix" will override the reality that everything broken can't be fixed
• You end up making your life's decisions based on how they will affect other people
• Love begins to look like a distorted sense of relentless sacrifice
• Compassion without boundaries becomes enabling
• Limitless acts of kindness lead to unrealistic expectations
• You can't pressure, coerce, convince or inspire someone who doesn't want to change, but you'd never give up trying
• You end up sacrificing your own needs, dreams, goals and expectations for the comfort, happiness, or success of others
• You develop a false sense that people can't survive, endure, problem solve or heal without you
• You end up feeling trapped, exhausted and resentful because your time and energy will never be enough to fix everyone/everything

And so? If you really want to make a difference, here are some suggestions for what you can do:

• Focus on developing a healthy realistic attitude. Constantly seeking to improve, help, change others is not love or appreciation for who they are. 
• People are not projects. Be responsible for your own happiness, well-being, success, health and life choices, and not that of other people. You don't need other people to be happy, to be happy yourself.
• Take care of your own feelings. Practice shielding yourself emotionally. Detach yourself from feelings of guilt and shame that suck you in to being a fixer. Put the responsibility where it belongs. If it's not yours...don't make it yours.
• Remind yourself daily that one can't always have what they want. No one's life is free of difficulty or harsh reality. Find ways you can be helpful and supportive with clearly defined boundaries.
• Learn to let go! The struggle in life is real. We ALL experience pain, disappointment, failure, loss, unhappiness. It sucks, but it's a necessary part of life.

If you're caught in the cycle, it's going to take some focused effort to break out your way out of it. Take one day at a time. Set goals and celebrate your successes. And then keep at it. Remember love and support...that's what we all really need.

I'm all in! Are you with me?