F.E.A.R.

I haven't posted in awhile. There's been far too much drama trying to creep into my life and I'm exhausted from fighting to keep it out. I'm much too old and much too focused on making the best of my remaining time here to get wrapped up in such crap. There is absolutely no room for selfish words, toxic behavior, or ulterior motives in my life. I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to learn better ways and protect my own personal sense of well-being on every level.

This past week has been difficult as the 7th anniversary of a traumatizing and life changing event came calling like an unavoidable guest sitting on the front porch of my soul. My husband of then 26 years attempted suicide in a brutally horrific manner, losing nearly 1/2 of his blood in the process and ultimately failing in his attempt. It's painful for my heart and mind to relive the ordeal, but so healing emotionally to see just how far I've come in those 7 years. I seriously doubt the shock and pain will ever go away, but they do seem to have decreased in intensity with time, for which I am most grateful. I've done SO much hard work emotionally, in therapy and on my own. But, ultimately the progress has come due to the passing of time and the love and patience of my Father in Heaven as He's taught me how to shift my mindset, learn how to move forward, and accept the responsibility I have to forgive. Forgiving is a process, but I'm profoundly aware that it's more for my good than for the good of those I am asked to forgive.

Yesterday was my day to celebrate the "new" me with my #noFEAR theme...Forget Everything And Remember...remember who I am, where I've come from, the grace of God that has lead me to where I am today, and how incredibly thankful I am for the journey. My eldest daughter joins me in this day long event each year; amazingly, it was her idea to start this tradition 3 years ago and it has been one we will continue to treasure together. The day is always started with breakfast at a favorite restaurant where we enjoy an unhurried meal and an opportunity to revisit the "event", talk through the pain, and celebrate our victories in overcoming and healing through the past year. She is a wise soul and I cherish the fact that we have become dear forever friends. After breakfast, we find meaningful ways to spend our time reminiscing, and planning how we will move forward in the coming year. Her insight and perspective are amazing and I always leave at the end of the day wishing it would never end.

While there are individuals I've shared my story with, for the most part it's a secret I've kept to myself. Shame, and the guilt of disclosing the details of someone else's story have prevented me from going public. But, it's a part of me, a chapter in the story of MY life, and MINE to learn and heal from, as well as an opportunity to open my heart and offer true empathy and compassion to those who may have similar experience. Oh how I wish I'd had someone to turn to in the midst of my mess, someone who knew exactly what I was feeling, what I was thinking, how fear and anger, and confusion and guilt and shame swallowed me whole and threatened to ultimately destroy me. My life would have been blessed to know someone else who had survived it and come out with hope and healing and faith and courage on the other side.

Now that I'm on the other side, I'm humbled and grateful to know I can potentially be that person for someone else. And today, the burden and heaviness of secrecy is lifted as I openly share here. I am free. I am healing. And I am grateful for all I've learned and will continue to learn for the rest of my life. I have a deep scar that will never go away, but I wear it without shame. It's a beautiful reminder of my strength, my courage, and the continued growth of my inner child toward the  beautiful, capable, and amazing woman she is becoming, and having so much to offer in the legacy I can now leave for those who come after me. And thanks be to God for His amazing love and patience, and for His grace He so willingly extends to me, a daughter He so valiantly fights for.

As my "new" year begins, I feel hopeful and renewed. I am becoming more and more appreciative of the good that comes from the difficult trials I experience in life. I am gaining courage and confidence in my ability to conquer and overcome the boulders of adversity that sometimes overwhelm me with setbacks and discouragement. And I'm ready to again move forward without delay.

I'm all in my friend! Are you with me?

It Just About Sent Me Into Orbit

The past week has been filled with anxiety. About a lot of different things. Life is rough at best right now. But for the first time in my entire existence...I am not afraid. Fear has driven me since I was a little girl. My fear was warranted then, but I got stuck in fear and that's pretty much how I got to my present circumstances. Are  you a little baffled by that? Keep reading:

I chose easy classes in high school because I was afraid of what the smart/popular  kids would think of me (I was very unpopular and took a lot of emotional beating). I chose to go to a community college because I was afraid to attend a university. I chose to study something really easy and not very challenging because I was afraid of failing. After I married, I chose not to take a stand with my husband about continuing his education (he had an Applied Science degree at the local community college) because I was afraid of confrontation. This led to 30+ years at a low income job that cursed our family with severe financial struggle. My marriage has been difficult and lonely, but I chose to stay because we had 4 children and I was afraid I couldn't manage to support them or myself. And then, my world exploded and I realized I could never do enough or be enough to satisfy him and I left him anyway. We've been separated 6 years now and nothing has changed; except now we are both scrambling for economic security. I'm in hot pursuit of my opportunity for financial freedom, but it keeps magically disappearing like the pot of gold at the end of an elusive rainbow.

It's empowering to lose the fear! I'm a changed person. But the depression and anxiety hang on like an unwanted heavy winter parka in the summer heat. The depression sneaks up on me. And I can keep it at arm's length for the most part. But anxiety nearly eats me alive...and this week it nearly sent me into orbit. I've been planning a road trip since the end of March. Back to my hometown of more than 40 years. It creates a little anxiety to go back, but for the most part I'm like a kid at Christmas with the thought of reconnecting to some of the people who have my heart. And today was the day I was scheduled to leave. But...I'm home typing this blog for you to read on my computer.

Yesterday, I was packing and preparing for my week long adventure. And I felt a little anxiety, but it was doable. I expected the nervous feeling as I was anticipating a 8-9 hour drive and that's a little much for my body and my brain to handle...but completely doable. I also had the worry in the back of my brain that my car was making a weird little noise whenever I turned my steering wheel to the left for the past couple of weeks. But I'd had it checked out and nothing was found. I took that as a good sign and moved forward with my plan. I also had a few a mountain of other things pressing on me that have nothing to do with my trip. But I was doing my best to just set those on the back burner and deal with them with I get home. Because I can.

The anxiety grew with every passing hour. But I just attributed it to anticipation. About 3 o'clock in the afternoon it sky rocketed. And I was a mess. I'd gone running a little earlier and took the feeling of heaviness in my chest as a sign I needed to use my inhaler (I have asthma). Checking in with my peak flow meter confirmed that would probably be a good idea. It helped some but not enough for me to dismiss what I was feeling. And my anxiety just kept growing by the minute. I finally just knelt down and prayed (I'm a firm believer that God hears and answers our prayers. In fact, I approach prayer with the expectation that I will get a response...especially if it's an immediate need). I had so much I was worrying about that I just went down the list..."Is it this? Or this? Or this? Or this? And please would you help me feel peace...make my anxiety go away when I get to "the right one"? And then I laid down on the floor and "listened". But I didn't "hear" anything. And I was at a loss. 

At 3:45 I got in my car to give my sister-in-law a ride to her connection for transportation to a city about 2 hours away. My car seemed okay as I drove, but I immediately received my answer..."This! Your car." It was now making that noise no matter which way I turned and sometimes even when I wasn't turning at all. And the slight vibration I'd been feeling was more noticeable but not really concerning. When we stopped, I couldn't fight the sinking feeling that my car really was not safe to drive and called my mechanic.

By the time I got to the repair shop the noise was almost alarming. Driving for just 15 minutes had made a significant difference. I waited about an hour and then got the sobering diagnosis: Immediate repairs were needed for the steering rack/pinion and the transmission mount. It would take an entire day and my trip would need to be postponed. My head was hurting and I was exhausted from the emotional drain of the overwhelming anxiety I'd been feeling. But, the anxiety was gone. I actually felt that peace I'd been pleading for in my prayer. God had heard me and gave me a response. And the really amazing thing is...I had nowhere else to go yesterday. All day. Had I not gotten in my car to take my sister-in-law to her destination, I would never have known. Until I got in my car this morning to begin my drive. And I might have been without cell service. And I'd have to rely on tow service. And I'd likely have to find a motel. And I'd be two days delayed instead of just one. And how would I know if I could trust the mechanic who ended up doing my repairs? And my brain just keeps going with what if? 

So dear reader, sometimes anxiety can be your friend. Sometimes it's a protection or a warning. Sometimes it will keep you from danger...or from having to deal with bigger more worrisome problems that could have been prevented. Learn to listen. Learn to breathe. Learn to be mindful and present so you can figure out the source of your anxiety instead of ignoring it or pretending it's not really there. It may be trying to send you a message. Pay attention...then let it go on it's merry way.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

"Even If"...It's Still A Part of My Story

It was normal for me. And because it was all I knew, I assumed it was normal for everyone...but I hated it. As months and years passed, I became painfully aware my normal wasn't normal at all; and I found myself drowning in secrecy, shame, anxiety, and a heightened sense of hyper-vigilance. My self-esteem was beaten down and trampled to a dirty, shredded, useless pile of unrecognizable rubbish, and I felt as invisible as if I had never existed. I lived silently in a world of fear, and dreaded the rising of the morning sun. I spent every day going through the motions of  life, carefully avoiding the pull to do or try anything different than the routine I was used to for fear of exposing my hell and my suffocating humiliation. 

Welcome to adulthood they say. You have your whole life ahead of you. The world is your playground. You can do and be whatever you set your mind to. The problem was I was messed up, frightened, insecure, vulnerable, and emotionally scarred...the perfect set-up for getting sucked into an ugly cycle of codependency. I threw myself "in the toilet" for the sake of rescuing and fixing others in an attempt to fill my desperate unquenchable need for love and affection. 

Eventually I sought professional help. It allowed me to work through what I was dealing with, but I didn't really feel any different on the inside. I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, how disgustingly gross I felt, the way I felt so inferior around other people. I felt unworthy of love and kindness even as I desperately craved attention and acceptance. I shunned the rare compliments I received from others and convinced myself they were all lies because people didn't know the real me buried deep in the muck and mire of my irrational perception of myself.

Years passed but nothing changed. As I reached each of the milestones one expects to experience in life, I got better at putting on and perfecting the facade that hid my pain and protected my heart. But I couldn't run from or erase my truth lurking in the dark corners of my mind, reminding me every moment of every day of my worthlessness.

I can't really pinpoint the exact moment things started to change for me. However, I do know it began with a conscious decision to escape from the prison inside my own head. As crazy as it sounds, I slowly began to question my truth...not the truth of what had happened to me, but my perception of how it had defined me. I thought about my motives, what drove me and determined how I would act and react in any given situation. Why and when did I choose to trust? Exhibit kindness? Be offended? Show compassion? Be approachable? Run away? I questioned (in my head) why someone liked me, and analyzed how a relationship with me benefited them. I began pondering what made my feel inferior to others around me, and challenged my deep seated belief that I had nothing to offer the world. At first there was little in the way of positives I could find, but when I did, I hung on to them and worked tirelessly to firmly attach them in my mind and in my heart as part of my new truth. This didn't happen overnight. It took years...3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Progress was painfully slow, but steady.

Today, 50 years later, I'm still very much aware of that little girl. She is now, and always will be a part of me. I am today, the culmination of all of the good, the bad, the ugly, the reprehensible. My story is not complete without any of it...without her. She is my link to the past, but I am her ticket to the future. I think she'd be mighty proud of the woman I've become, but I couldn't have done it without her courage, her integrity, and her will to thrive. She may not have had much to offer the world, but she offered me everything I needed to make a difference in our little corner of the world. Together we are beautiful. We are kind. We are amazing. We are worthy. And...we are worth it! My future is no longer defined by my past!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Stop Feeding Yourself That Crap!

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of "being" a lot of things when I grew up. The list changed frequently as I was introduced to new and amazing thoughts about what I could actually be when I became a grown up...a nurse, an organist, an astronaut, a mom of at least a dozen children, an artist for Disney Studios. Of course, when you're a little tyke the time between birthdays passes about as quickly as a slug moving through a mess of thick dark slimy mud; thus the thought of actually reaching the long anticipated status of adult was well beyond my comprehension. But I day dreamed about it frequently anyway.

About the time I hit 9th grade and started high school, my fascination with adulthood and all of it's dreamy possibilities was replaced with a panic that knew no boundaries. I'd been through some pretty harsh life experiences by then and had become a shy, withdrawn, shadow of the optimistic child I had once been. Graduation came much more quickly than those birthdays I had once longed for, and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and surrender to the fear and dread that filled my lonely confused heart and mind.

The next 7 years were spent trying to prove (mostly to myself) that I was lovable...or at least likable. I went out of my way to try and be "the life of the party". Not really partying...but more or less vying for the popularity and acceptance I had seen bestowed upon others in the past as I watched silently from afar. I wasn't big headed, or full of myself...I just wanted desperately to feel like more than the worthless sorry excuse for a human being that I felt like. So, I faked my way out of my loneliness. I worked hard at making friends, appearing to be happy with my life, and creating an atmosphere of fun and laughter. I watched a lot of my friends leave for college as I settled for a few semesters at the local community college. I had no idea what I wanted to study...I just went for the sake of being able to say I was doing something with my life. I had some serious crushes, but dated only once in a blue moon. I held down a few different minimum wage jobs, but they were all dead ends as far as being able to find my place in the work force. At one point I quit my job and moved out of state, hoping a change in scenery would solve my problems and offer solutions of hopeful progress and direction in life. But after 6 months, I went "home" and took up where I left off. By this time many of my friends were marrying and starting families and I was back to looking for new people to spend time with.

Eventually I married. I continued working part-time until our first child was born 15 months later. Fast forward 26 years, 3 more children, a lot of heartache and unhappiness in my own personal life, and finally a trauma that "blew the house down". I was 51 years old...and had nothing to show for it. I had failed that little girl who once dreamed so big and so boldly. Or so I thought.

Today nearly 6 years later, I've worked my butt off to become who I am today. I'm still not a nurse, an organist (although I've taught myself some piano and guitar skills!), an astronaut, a mom to a dozen children (but I have 4 kiddos that I love and adore!), or an artist for Disney Studios (however, I've taught myself some pretty amazing artistic skills!)...but I've awakened once more that ability to dream big and bold! My dreams and goals are not quite so ambitious, but I do believe I can accomplish ANYTHING I put my mind to...and I've opened my mind to move past the barriers and limitations I'd placed on myself in my "pre-trauma" life. Yes, sadly it was the trauma that changed everything for me. I'd been shattered, and "stripped" of everything...including my self-inflicted limitations.

So why did I...why do any of us...put limitations on ourselves?

• We've landed in a "failure" mindset: When we fall down a few times it's much harder to get back up again. It's too easy to succumb to mental or maybe even physical exhaustion. I've found for myself this is especially true when I'm not taking care of my most basic needs. I let myself slide because I'm in the habit and mindset of putting everyone else first. And pretty soon I'm not even last on the list. I'm not on the list at all. I can't do it. It's not working. I quit. I'm too tired to stand up again.
• Fear gets the best of us: That could be fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of new and different or unfamiliar, fear of failing, or even fear of success (Yep. It's real. I've been there). Fear leads to procrastination or avoidance, which ultimately leads to nothing nowhere.
• We have limiting beliefs about ourselves: I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, good enough, worthy enough...you can insert ANY word in there to make it work for you (translation: to make it not work for you). I am not ___________ enough. This is completely destructive to reaching goals or making dreams a reality...but only YOU can change it.
• We lack hope and/or belief in ourselves and our capabilities: Sometimes we AREN'T enough for what we would like to accomplish, but that shouldn't stop us from educating ourselves, acquiring sufficient information or experience, or trying to learn a new skill. I'm discovering for myself...you are never too old to make life happen. If you can dream it, you can learn it and do it!
• We forget our "why": You know, that reason deep down inside of you that pushes and encourages and drives you. That's your why. It's why you wake up, why you go to your job, why you take care of your family, why you keep going when you feel the urge to quit. If you've lost you why, do some digging. It's there. It just needs to be rediscovered and reignited. It doesn't matter how long it's been. If you look hard enough you'll discover it's there; it never went away.

Life is too short to live in regret. Let the past be the past. Wake up to the reality of your present, and choose to have a huge say in your future! It's yours. It doesn't belong to anyone else. You alone are responsible for your happiness, the realization of your dreams, and what you make of your life. Live fully. Dream big. And die happy knowing you lived happy and loved fiercely. Don't waste your time on toxic people and avoid drama like the plague. These are my new rules for life!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

When All You Can Do is Whisper "I'm Fine"

"I'm fine", I lied. Enough time had passed that I could at least be out in public. But that question everyone asks so nonchalantly, that normally seemed so standard, shook me to the core and kicked my "fight or flight" response screaming into overdrive. What was I supposed to say? I'd had a life threatening reality pummel me into the ground just weeks before...but it was a "behind closed doors" event, unlike those that make the headlines in the national news or in the local newspaper. Time stood eerily still as I negotiated whether running away or passing out would be the appropriate avoidance response.

When "How are you?" is a loaded question...when you're suffering from depression or anxiety, have suffered a loss or been through a traumatic experience, been the victim of a crime, dealing with financial stress, unemployment, chronic illness, aging parents, foreclosure, wayward children, broken relationships...when you're grieving...what do you do with that?

1. Assess the intent of the person asking: Is this someone you are close to, someone you trust truly cares about you? Or is this a casual acquaintance? If you're feeling uncomfortable, you're not obliged to give any more than a polite "non-answer". "I'm doing OK, thanks. How are you?" or "I'm hanging in there. How about you?" or "Hey how was your family vacation?" (avoidance and changing the subject always sends a message of "I'm not willing to go there!")
2. Consider how answering the question might affect you: When you're suffering, answering truthfully may bring on the onset of an eruption of emotion you may not be prepared to handle. And the other party may not know what to do with it, leaving you feeling awkward and full of regret for opening that floodgate. Likely this would usually be a risk one should consider only under emotionally safe circumstances. There's no need to bring more stress or anxiety on yourself than you're already dealing with. Not everyone is in a place to hear your truth. And your truth needs to be protected.
3. Set firm boundaries: I was approached by a few people who thought they knew what had happened, when in fact they were completely misinformed by someone else's speculation. It made it a little very awkward, but I found it necessary to briefly set the record straight and then shut the conversation down. Especially if you're not in a clearly stable state of mind to talk, or you find the questioning distressing, you need to do what's best for you. No one else's opinion or concern matters at that point. You, not any well-meaning busybody, are in charge of your emotional health and healing. Don't allow bullying, gossiping, or ignorance to pressure you into having a conversation you don't want to have. You have to put yourself first.

It's a harsh reality...we're not always as OK as we pretend to be. Being vulnerable is difficult at best, and risky to say the least. Bad things happen to good people. And none of us are exempt from any amount of pain and suffering. People will say stupid hurtful things. The world keeps revolving and time continues moving forward even when your life is falling apart. Having painful experiences in life makes us a little more compassionate. No one will understand exactly how you are feeling because everyone is affected by and handles grief differently. You'll run across people who try to "one up" you and minimize your experience. Some may even tell you to buck up and move on. Healing is hard work and takes a LOT of time. Trust the process. You will never be the same. All the world is oblivious when you're hurting. Seek to disclose your pain to those who will listen and support you, offering encouragement and comfort in the best way possible...and let the rest go.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Don't Give Away Your Power!

We all walk around like a closed book, but everyone of us has a story...stories filled with terror, tragedy, betrayal or unfairness. And we all have scars. Some of our scars are physical and cannot be hidden. But some are emotional and cannot be seen. One may look to have survived life unscathed, appear to have it all together, seem to have everything going their way...but it would be foolish to believe such a thing...and the enticing trap of "my life has been ruined" lies deceitfully waiting as a tiger about to pounce on their prey, to destroy the one who chooses to hand over their power to overcome, to heal, to thrive and survive. Don't get me wrong. I'm not downplaying the horrendous effects of the harsh realities of life. But I have witnessed the power of grit and courage, in my personal life, and in the lives of others who have determined to change the outcome of their life story. It's never an easy thing, but choosing to be a survivor, to overcome, to learn lessons, to recognize blessings, to forgive, to become an advocate, to rise to the challenge, instills courage, enables growth, and leads to otherwise unforeseen opportunities to inspire and encourage, and make a difference in the lives of others. 

So how does one choose to be a survivor, to find grit and courage to rise above the cruel injustices of life? Here are some ideas that might be helpful:

• Recognize the perceived advantages of victim mentality: First: It feels good to get sympathy and attention from other people. However, eventually people grow tired of it and move on. Second: It protects you from risking rejection or failure, but traps you in a cycle of excuses, keeping you from taking any necessary action. Third: It allows you to avoid making any difficult decisions or choices, but ultimately keeps you from taking control of your own life. There is power to saying NO! to the victim mentality.
• Be OK with finding a new way to define yourself. Choosing not to focus on what's happened to you, the need for revenge or retribution, or on the unfairness of the hand life has dealt you empowers you to find courage, take risks, create your own happiness, find ways to serve and bless the lives of others.
• Take personal responsibility for your own life. Stop looking for someone or something to blame when things don't go the way you want them to, when you make a mistake, when life gets hard, or when you feel overwhelmed. Things happen. People judge. The words and actions of others are sometimes hurtful. The weather is unpredictable. Freak accidents come out of nowhere. Crime, death, illness, financial ruin, debilitating accidents, broken trust, ruined relationships, embarrassing incidents...they all happen. You are not alone. The world is not out to destroy you. 
• Express gratitude. Look at all of the people who DO love you, all of the things that ARE going right in your life. And remember there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse off than you do. Count your blessings. Name them ONE by ONE. There is power in a grateful heart.
• Choose forgiveness. It's not so much for the person who has harmed or deceived you, as for the peace you will feel in your heart if you choose to let go and move on. Forgiveness doesn't mean pretend like nothing happened and go be best friends with the one you're forgiving. You need boundaries. And you may need to remove yourself from their toxicity. "Turn the other cheek" sometimes means, turn and walk away. Don't let anger, malice, revenge, or contempt rule your life or steal your heart. Let go. And move on. It's no longer yours.
• Find someone to serve. The best and most effective healing comes when we reach outside of ourselves. Volunteer in your community, mow a neighbor's lawn, teach a child a new skill, participate in a cause...be the one who makes the difference.
• Cut yourself some slack. Some days will be easier than others. Cry the tears, talk about the hard stuff, deal with the emotions, and don't ignore the pain. Pain is a signal to your body and mind that something needs attention to promote healing. Pay attention. But don't draw unnecessary attention.

Healing is hard. Finding courage can much of the time prove to be a daunting task, but it far outweighs the benefits of drowning in self pity. Surround yourself with people who are strong, and encouraging, and determined to make the best they can with the life they've been given, and you will be filled with well deserved peace and joy, and a life very much worth living!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I Think I Just Peed Myself

I'm not comfortable with One of my greatest "triggers" for anxiety is driving in heavy traffic. I have panic attacks when I'm surrounded by 5 lanes of traffic traveling at 75 mph. I'm TERRIFIED of being in a collision, and literally have flashes in my mind of bloodied broken bodies and twisted metal accompanied by horrific explosive sounds of impact. Until very recently, I avoided it...completely. If no one else was available or willing to drive, I didn't go.

Over the past 5 years, I've been about change. Calculated change. Change that is intentional, that takes place over a period of time. Honestly, I'll be making changes for the rest of my life; I like who I'm becoming and discovering what I'm really made of. Circumstances in the past couple of years have allowed me the perfect opportunity to face my fear of driving in heavy traffic. Today, I drove for 30 minutes during rush hour! While I was driving I had my GPS, but I also had my daughter navigating from the passenger seat. She repeated the directions while I concentrated intently on my surroundings. She helped me watch for opportunities to make necessary lane changes, and looked ahead to identify correct exits. It was intense, and I found my right hand going numb because I was hanging on to the steering wheel with a death grip, but I did it and it gave me an incredible feeling of accomplishment! It's not something I want to or even need to do every day. But I now know I'm very capable and that makes my heart so happy!! I want to stand on the highest mountain peak and scream to the entire world "I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!"

Fear is real and it can be paralyzing. When your body and brain kick into that "fight or flight" mode, it's intense, like "act now and ask questions later"! Without that ability to feel fear, we likely wouldn't last too long because we'd be carelessly doing things like walking out into traffic, jumping from high rooftops, or handling poisonous snakes. That fear protects us from harm. But sometimes it stops us from functioning, or at least living a productive fulfilling life. I'm learning what a sad thing it is to let fear rule your life. There is so much I've missed out on and I feel some regret. But I'm also grateful for experiences that have forced me to step up and step out, and given me a new appreciation for the thrill and excitement of putting fear aside and enjoying all that life has to offer...including the "heart pounding" and "sweaty palm" moments!

Here are some things I've found to be helpful in moving past fear:

• Distract yourself. Take a 15 minute time-out. Go for a short walk, take a warm shower, lie down and "melt like butter" to completely relax yourself from head to toe.
• If you panic, don't fight it. Allow yourself to feel your heart beat faster in your chest or your palms sweating. Be in the moment. Put your hands on your chest or on your stomach, close your eyes, and breathe deeply, in and out very slowly. 
• Face it. Whatever it is that you're afraid of...take it head on. The more you practice the easier it will become.
• Be realistic. It's helpful to confront those monstrous worries and concerns and put them in perspective. We discourage children from being afraid of "monsters under the bed" and yet we sometimes allow them to live in our heads!
• Jump off the perfection pedestal. NO ONE is perfect so just don't even go there. Bad days happen. Stuff happens. Mistakes happen. Life happens. And sometimes it's messy and embarrassing. Just get up and try again. Most everyone's probably feeling bad for you while secretly feeling relieved it was you and not them. Only prideful idiots are judging...and you don't need them anyway!
• Take really good care of yourself. I guarantee if you become your very best friend, you'll find ways to comfort and calm yourself, just like you would for someone else you really care about. There is more power in self advocating than in self medicating.
• Feel the support of others. Just like my daughter helped me navigate in the traffic, sometimes it helps to have someone to help us navigate as we face our fears. Their support and encouragement can make all the difference in determining our success when trying something new and scary.
• Take one day at a time. It's not poof! It's a process. Be patient and kind, but push yourself a little beyond what you think you can handle.

Have fun. Don't be so serious. Life is too short. Appreciate the experiences and celebrate the victories...even the really small ones.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

You Can't Make Lemonade Out of Lions

You might as well have hit me in the face with a brick. That's how it felt when my PLAN B showed up unannounced, laughing and mocking like the bullies who tortured me in middle school. And my PLAN A? It hightailed it right out the backdoor like a wild animal, freed at last of being held against it's will. Life as I knew it was ripped away from me, and I was stripped naked of any shred of confidence in myself or my future. I was numb and cold at first; I couldn't think...didn't want to think, but soon found myself feeling as though I would drown in the tumultuous conglomeration of emotion that engulfed me, and my brain went crazy. Though it seemed humanly impossible, I could only see one direction to move in, only one answer to my "what now?" and it made me shudder. The thought of moving in that direction made me panic to the point that I couldn't function. Life hadn't handed me lemons...it had thrown me in the lion's den and I was terrified of being unable to defend myself.

With the passing of time, some thought and careful planning, and a LOT of professional help, I've come to terms with my PLAN B. It's nothing like PLAN A but I've acclimated to the "winds of change". My daily routine is much different. My goals and dreams for my future are more realistic. I've moved from the place I called "home" for 39 years, and I'm learning to "put myself out there" and connect with a host of "strangers". I regularly deal with feelings of uncertainty and loneliness, but put great trust in Heaven's ability to comfort and protect me in my vulnerability. Sometimes Many times I find myself mourning "what should have been", but more so, I am humbly grateful for blessings received and lessons learned. I am much more aware of my surroundings as there has been so much unfamiliar to become familiar with. I'm amazed at the kindness of the people I've met in my new community, and I find myself more willing to be "childlike" in my curiosity that leads me to small adventures. I like to think I'm a little more patient in the "waiting" life requires of me; time has become a precious commodity.

Here are some things that have helped me with this difficult transition:

• When life throws me a curve, it's best to step back and take a deep breath. I've learned to "be still" and evaluate how I'm going to respond.
• Remind myself that the fact that life has not gone as planned does not make me a failure. The "battle" may be lost, but the "war" isn't over! No matter how many times I get knocked down, I can ALWAYS choose to stand up and dust myself off.
• There are no excuses. It is what it is. I am where I am. There's no looking back with sadness and regret...just moving forward with courage in my heart and a smile on my face.
• I need to be open to new experiences and new opportunities. Holding onto regret and sadness about what should have been, or being afraid to reinvent life limits my ability to feel happiness.
• I must be gentle and kind with myself. No one should be more compassionate with me than I am. No trash talk, no withholding of love. I need to be my own best friend and my most capable and willing advocate.
• I must trust myself, my ability to know what's right for me; to make good choices, to provide well for my physical, emotional and spiritual needs.
• Life is a great adventure...especially when things don't go as planned! Hang on tight and try to enjoy the ride!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

What Now?

So, figuratively speaking, this is what my life looked like:

And it WAS overwhelming. But, I took a REALLY deep breath. That was my starting point. Breathing. Focusing. Getting my bearings. Please note: you don't have to experience a trauma to decide to make change. Sadly, that's just what it took for me. I was already a mess, just not willing to step up and do anything about it. FEAR was ruling my life:

• Fear of the unknown
• Fear of what others would think
• Fear of "rocking the boat"
• Fear of failure
• Fear of responsibility
• Fear of success
• Fear of struggle
• Fear of accountability
• Fear of change

I was disappointed with myself, how I'd ended up where I was because of my unwillingness to take control, make decisions, own up to my mistakes, be accountable to myself, use my voice, advocate for my health, give myself the same time and respect and kindness I was handing over to everyone else. I "threw myself under the bus", wallowed in self-pity, and quietly seethed at the lack of sympathy I received while carrying the ginormous "boulder of martyrdom" on my back. And it took a devastating life experience to bring me to my knees.

And that's when I realized I MUST put myself first. It is IMPERATIVE that I take care of myself on EVERY level. I MUST take control of every aspect of my health and well-being. I can't allow another minute of my life to pass without determining my desired outcome. And that would require a deep, meticulously detailed evaluation of myself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I had to stop everything, and figure out exactly where I was, before I could determine where I wanted to end up.

Some of you reading this may not be this far gone. You may feel you just need a little tweaking in one area or another. But you can't make that assumption until you clearly determine exactly where you are.

This process took months for me. I looked deep; left no stone unturned. I stared every uncomfortable, undesirable aspect of myself in the face. I owned my mess and claimed my responsibility in it. Only then could I look forward and map out my plan. The ugly truth is harsh, but facing it head on bestows on oneself the freedom to grow and improve, to change!

And that is exactly where I started. I decided to call on my courage, show myself a little compassion, and connect with who I really wanted to be. I got real and embraced my need for change.

I'm all in! Are you with me?