I Was Meant To Be With You

When I was in elementary school, my family moved around a lot. Before I'd finished 6th grade (middle school, or junior high as it was called back then, included grades 7-9), my family had lived in 2 different states, 3 different communities and 5 different homes...and I'd attended a total of 5 schools. I was a shy child who didn't connect with friends very easily; this made life a bit complicated, which in turn gave me great anxiety. I didn't have the wherewithal to question my life's circumstances, nor did I feel I had much choice in the matter. "Keep your mouth shut and go with the flow"...that was my "self-talk" from a very early age. "Take what life throws at you", I told myself, "and whatever happens, happens. Don't make waves. Keep the peace. Put a smile on your face and hope for the best". 

While sitting in Mr. Eagan's 5th grade classroom at the close of one pretty ordinary school day, I took a piece of paper and a pencil from my desk, and randomly decided to calculate the ages of all the members of my family the year I was to graduate from high school; there were 8 of us, including my two parents: hmmm...47, 44, 24, 21, 18, 16, 12 and 8. Wow! My parents will be old! And that was that. It never entered my mind to go a little further down that road: And then what? What will I do after high school? What occupation will I be interested in pursuing? What kind of car will I drive? Where will I live? Who will I marry? How many children will we have? What will I be like when I'm as old as my parents? There was very little in the way of pondering and planning; life was not an adventure over which I had any say, but rather something that happened to me...something to be endured.

When I actually graduated from high school, I felt lost. The prospect of adulthood had toyed with me, but came upon me as unexpectedly as a cat ending his game of chase with a sudden pounce of sheer determination and exact precision. Circumstances forced me to take actions I was ill prepared for, and I was thrown head first into the unbridled whirlpool of my reality.

I attended a community college with no end game in mind. I took classes that would still leave me unprepared for a solid future; every day was the same...get up, go to class, go home and study, work at a minimum wage dead end job for a few hours, go home and go to bed. I "lived" for the weekend, but even then I really had no idea what to do with myself. A friend and I decided to attend an out-of-state junior college. I obtained the application, filled it out, turned it in, and got accepted. But I never went; I hadn't even thought far enough ahead to consider how I'd get there, let alone how to pay for it.

Fast forward thirty-five years, in which time I'd survived a lot of crap and trauma, loved with all the intensity my heart had to offer, and matured well past the age my parents were when I'd graduated from high school. But in all that time, I never dreamed. I never planned. Life happened...I just took it as it came, an hour, a week, a year at a time, anxiously watching it unfold from the sidelines.

Until about a year ago...

I'm not sure what happened...maybe it's the realization that over half a century of my life has passed...the majority of my mortal existence is done and gone. Perhaps I'm too old to be so afraid of the unknown anymore. Or I suppose, it's because I've learned there's no room for regrets. Whatever the case, I've come to the realization that it's never too late to take the reins. I'm never going to be too old to dream...to make something  specific happen in my life. I choose to be the master of my fate. Me and my destiny...we were meant to be together. My dreams are now much different than they would have been in my youth. The door of opportunity is in a different location, and the road to success has changed course, but I have an opinion, a desire, a say in how the rest of my life plays out. And, I can't wait to see how it all comes together! (My ten year old self would be so proud!)

I'm all in! Are you with me?

She's Never Coming Back

I've heard the term "mid-life crisis" pretty much all of my life. As a teenager, I really couldn't wrap my brain around what that meant. In my early 20's I understood what it meant, but thought it was a little ridiculous that someone well into their adult years would suddenly feel unsettled with where they were in life and make drastic changes to be or do something different. Now I'm in my 50's; while I'm not freaking out and acting crazy trying to recreate myself, I have over the past 5 years pondered deeply "when my life comes to an end, what will I be remembered for? What will be my legacy? What difference or impact will I have made in my little cobweb covered corner of the world?" And I think I've found the answer. I want to be a leader. 

In my youth was painfully shy; the last thing on my mind was the possibility of being a leader in anything. I was a skinny kid with buck teeth, horn rimmed glasses, mousy brown shoulder length hair and the personality of a flea bitten dog...uncomfortable in my own skin, easily distracted, and not much fun to be around.

In my early adult years, I was fearful; afraid of change, afraid to stretch and try something new. I was apprehensive about jumping into anything hard, risky, unknown, or demanding. I was committed to stand firm and unmovable in the confines of my comfort zone, and avoided anyone who suggested stepping out of it, like the plague. My life was miserable, but at least it was predictable.

Five years ago life as I knew it came to an end; I was forced to stand independently, to think solely for myself, to make life changing decisions on my own, to take risks, to face the unknown. I stared fear in the face, courage became my new best friend, and desperation to avoid drowning in the tumultuous sea of life became my driving force. 

Eleven months ago, I came up on a business opportunity that intrigued me. It sounded like enough of a challenge to be adventurous and rewarding, but not too overwhelming. I jumped in "head first" with the enthusiasm of a young child let loose in a Disney theme park, feeling like my "pot of gold" lay just on the other end of a gloriously breathtaking rainbow. Very quickly, however, I realized just how naive I was in my thinking and in my approach.

It didn't take long before discouragement and disappointment set in; I felt sheepish, and several times nearly crumbled at the feet of failure and humiliation. But there was one tiny spark inside me that seemed to shout "Don't you quit! It's not over yet! Hang on! You can do this! Just wait and see!" So I hung on. Every single day I got out of bed and spent time trying to decide what to do differently. I fought hard against discouragement and depression and frustration and anxiety and fear. Some days I felt hopeful, but most days I felt like the mountain was too hard to climb. And then one day I came across this quote: 

BAM! It was like a switch flipped inside my head and I had a complete change of mindset. No one (including myself!) had the right to tell me I couldn't succeed. Yes, I was a long way from success. Yes there was SO MUCH I needed to learn. Yes, there was a ton of work to be done. Yes, there was a mountain of changes to make. Yes, it was going to be hard. But most importantly, IT WAS GOING TO BE WORTH IT!!

Now, nearly an entire year later, the mountain is still a mountain. But I choose to focus on the ground right in front of me instead of looking up to try and see how much longer it's going to take or how much further I have to go. I choose to greet each new day with a "to do" list, and each new week with a few simple goals to get me a little further up the mountain. I choose to be accountable to myself...to follow through with what I said I would do...even if no one else heard what I said. I choose to have a positive "can do" attitude and pick myself up and dust myself off when I miss the mark. I choose to be happy doing what I'm doing and grateful for the opportunity. I choose to face my fears and set the ground work for others to follow my lead. I choose to share what I've learned and continue to have an attitude of always seeking knowledge. I choose to be an inspiration to others instead of a hindrance. I choose to be responsible for my thoughts, my actions and my attitude. I choose to smile and talk to people I don't know. I choose to "bloom where I'm planted". I choose to change and I choose to grow.

It's not an accident...I'm no longer who I used to be. And the "old me" is never coming back. As you can see in the photos above, I've obviously made changes to my physical appearance, but one can hardly help but notice the happiness, peace, contentment and confidence that has come to me over the past 5 years, the result of changes in my thinking, my daily habits, and my emotional health.(FYI these are all selfies taken with my phone; none are the work of a professional). Change is hard. It requires the sacrifice of time and effort, and giving up a piece of yourself in exchange for something even better. It happens slowly, a little here and a little there, barely noticeable until one day you can look back and see just how far you've come. You have to pay the price. You have to do the work. And most of the time only you will notice. But no one will be more surprised, more at peace, or more grateful than you with the result of the work you've done. It's such an amazing journey!

I'm all in! Are you with me?