Suck It Up Or Dance In It...You Choose

I've had the life sucked out of me. Again. It's so hard to hold my head up and go through my daily routine. My body feels weak and shaky. I have no energy. There are things I feel I MUST tend to, but it takes so little to wear me out and send me to my bed for rest. The hours between the early morning light that drifts through my window each morning, and the time that twilight finally settles in, seem endless. I have no energy for small talk, for problem solving, for planning, for little more than opening my eyes to face yet another day. I feel sad and angry, and hurt and disappointed, and a loneliness that is much more encompassing than I've ever experienced before. Fear and hopelessness and darkness hover over me, but I'm not willing to let them take up residence in my head. I see what they are capable of; I will not allow myself to fall victim to their destructive ways. I've witnessed others mindlessly drift to the point of no return; I'm not even willing to take the first step on that path. I get depression. It surrounds me on every side, and threatens to suffocate me. But I will give it zero opportunity to destroy me...not even second hand.

I know you probably think I'm full of myself. How dare I think I'm so invincible and powerful. Think what you may. But the truth is it's a choice. Really. I can choose to dwell on my problems, my sucky life, my traumatic experiences, the unfairness of my circumstances, my sadness and loneliness, my health issues,  the way I'm treated by others, and all the other crap that gets relentlessly flung at me. Or I can take responsibility for how I handle what comes my way. 

Reality check: The universe has nothing against me. God is not punishing me. I am not undeserving of being treated with kindness and respect. I am not a worthless pile of crap that somehow mistakenly ended up where I'm at physically OR emotionally in my life. I haven't been dealt a lousy hand. Bad things happen to bad people...and good people. I am not exempt from pain, tragedy, disappointment, health crises, financial ruin, bad luck, or misfortune of any kind. Sometimes Much of the time, life sucks. But I CHOOSE whether or not to cope, how to cope, and how long to cope. I choose whether to be humble and reachable, or pridefully surround myself with an impenetrable wall and suffer silently, or shamelessly loud enough for everyone to witness. And NO ONE can take that choice away from me.

If you're looking for a perfect life you're in for a severe disappointment. Give it up. Change your expectation. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself:

• Get outside of yourself. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than you. And there is NO exception to that rule. Look for them and do something to lighten their burden. You can't take their crap away, but you can add a little sunshine.
• Count your blessings. There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Look for it until you find it. Write it down and put it where you can be reminded of it EVERY single day.
• Take a break from social media. Everyone's life is falsely portrayed (intentional or not) to be much better than yours is. Don't fall into that trap. We ALL have crap.
• Set a goal to change something about you or about your life that you CAN change. Learn to take the rest in stride and move on.
• Reach out for support. Friends, family, church clergy, neighbors...let them into your circle and try letting at least one of them into your heart.
• Change up your routine. Sometimes doing just one thing differently makes all the difference in your attitude and helps give you a fresh perspective.

Life is tough. But you don't have to let it destroy you.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Don't Give Away Your Power!

We all walk around like a closed book, but everyone of us has a story...stories filled with terror, tragedy, betrayal or unfairness. And we all have scars. Some of our scars are physical and cannot be hidden. But some are emotional and cannot be seen. One may look to have survived life unscathed, appear to have it all together, seem to have everything going their way...but it would be foolish to believe such a thing...and the enticing trap of "my life has been ruined" lies deceitfully waiting as a tiger about to pounce on their prey, to destroy the one who chooses to hand over their power to overcome, to heal, to thrive and survive. Don't get me wrong. I'm not downplaying the horrendous effects of the harsh realities of life. But I have witnessed the power of grit and courage, in my personal life, and in the lives of others who have determined to change the outcome of their life story. It's never an easy thing, but choosing to be a survivor, to overcome, to learn lessons, to recognize blessings, to forgive, to become an advocate, to rise to the challenge, instills courage, enables growth, and leads to otherwise unforeseen opportunities to inspire and encourage, and make a difference in the lives of others. 

So how does one choose to be a survivor, to find grit and courage to rise above the cruel injustices of life? Here are some ideas that might be helpful:

• Recognize the perceived advantages of victim mentality: First: It feels good to get sympathy and attention from other people. However, eventually people grow tired of it and move on. Second: It protects you from risking rejection or failure, but traps you in a cycle of excuses, keeping you from taking any necessary action. Third: It allows you to avoid making any difficult decisions or choices, but ultimately keeps you from taking control of your own life. There is power to saying NO! to the victim mentality.
• Be OK with finding a new way to define yourself. Choosing not to focus on what's happened to you, the need for revenge or retribution, or on the unfairness of the hand life has dealt you empowers you to find courage, take risks, create your own happiness, find ways to serve and bless the lives of others.
• Take personal responsibility for your own life. Stop looking for someone or something to blame when things don't go the way you want them to, when you make a mistake, when life gets hard, or when you feel overwhelmed. Things happen. People judge. The words and actions of others are sometimes hurtful. The weather is unpredictable. Freak accidents come out of nowhere. Crime, death, illness, financial ruin, debilitating accidents, broken trust, ruined relationships, embarrassing incidents...they all happen. You are not alone. The world is not out to destroy you. 
• Express gratitude. Look at all of the people who DO love you, all of the things that ARE going right in your life. And remember there is ALWAYS someone who has it worse off than you do. Count your blessings. Name them ONE by ONE. There is power in a grateful heart.
• Choose forgiveness. It's not so much for the person who has harmed or deceived you, as for the peace you will feel in your heart if you choose to let go and move on. Forgiveness doesn't mean pretend like nothing happened and go be best friends with the one you're forgiving. You need boundaries. And you may need to remove yourself from their toxicity. "Turn the other cheek" sometimes means, turn and walk away. Don't let anger, malice, revenge, or contempt rule your life or steal your heart. Let go. And move on. It's no longer yours.
• Find someone to serve. The best and most effective healing comes when we reach outside of ourselves. Volunteer in your community, mow a neighbor's lawn, teach a child a new skill, participate in a cause...be the one who makes the difference.
• Cut yourself some slack. Some days will be easier than others. Cry the tears, talk about the hard stuff, deal with the emotions, and don't ignore the pain. Pain is a signal to your body and mind that something needs attention to promote healing. Pay attention. But don't draw unnecessary attention.

Healing is hard. Finding courage can much of the time prove to be a daunting task, but it far outweighs the benefits of drowning in self pity. Surround yourself with people who are strong, and encouraging, and determined to make the best they can with the life they've been given, and you will be filled with well deserved peace and joy, and a life very much worth living!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I Was Meant To Be With You

When I was in elementary school, my family moved around a lot. Before I'd finished 6th grade (middle school, or junior high as it was called back then, included grades 7-9), my family had lived in 2 different states, 3 different communities and 5 different homes...and I'd attended a total of 5 schools. I was a shy child who didn't connect with friends very easily; this made life a bit complicated, which in turn gave me great anxiety. I didn't have the wherewithal to question my life's circumstances, nor did I feel I had much choice in the matter. "Keep your mouth shut and go with the flow"...that was my "self-talk" from a very early age. "Take what life throws at you", I told myself, "and whatever happens, happens. Don't make waves. Keep the peace. Put a smile on your face and hope for the best". 

While sitting in Mr. Eagan's 5th grade classroom at the close of one pretty ordinary school day, I took a piece of paper and a pencil from my desk, and randomly decided to calculate the ages of all the members of my family the year I was to graduate from high school; there were 8 of us, including my two parents: hmmm...47, 44, 24, 21, 18, 16, 12 and 8. Wow! My parents will be old! And that was that. It never entered my mind to go a little further down that road: And then what? What will I do after high school? What occupation will I be interested in pursuing? What kind of car will I drive? Where will I live? Who will I marry? How many children will we have? What will I be like when I'm as old as my parents? There was very little in the way of pondering and planning; life was not an adventure over which I had any say, but rather something that happened to me...something to be endured.

When I actually graduated from high school, I felt lost. The prospect of adulthood had toyed with me, but came upon me as unexpectedly as a cat ending his game of chase with a sudden pounce of sheer determination and exact precision. Circumstances forced me to take actions I was ill prepared for, and I was thrown head first into the unbridled whirlpool of my reality.

I attended a community college with no end game in mind. I took classes that would still leave me unprepared for a solid future; every day was the same...get up, go to class, go home and study, work at a minimum wage dead end job for a few hours, go home and go to bed. I "lived" for the weekend, but even then I really had no idea what to do with myself. A friend and I decided to attend an out-of-state junior college. I obtained the application, filled it out, turned it in, and got accepted. But I never went; I hadn't even thought far enough ahead to consider how I'd get there, let alone how to pay for it.

Fast forward thirty-five years, in which time I'd survived a lot of crap and trauma, loved with all the intensity my heart had to offer, and matured well past the age my parents were when I'd graduated from high school. But in all that time, I never dreamed. I never planned. Life happened...I just took it as it came, an hour, a week, a year at a time, anxiously watching it unfold from the sidelines.

Until about a year ago...

I'm not sure what happened...maybe it's the realization that over half a century of my life has passed...the majority of my mortal existence is done and gone. Perhaps I'm too old to be so afraid of the unknown anymore. Or I suppose, it's because I've learned there's no room for regrets. Whatever the case, I've come to the realization that it's never too late to take the reins. I'm never going to be too old to dream...to make something  specific happen in my life. I choose to be the master of my fate. Me and my destiny...we were meant to be together. My dreams are now much different than they would have been in my youth. The door of opportunity is in a different location, and the road to success has changed course, but I have an opinion, a desire, a say in how the rest of my life plays out. And, I can't wait to see how it all comes together! (My ten year old self would be so proud!)

I'm all in! Are you with me?

If It's To Be, It's Up To Me...Ain't Nobody Else Going To Make It Happen

I LOVE the sound of silence. You know, when you can hear absolutely nothing but your breathing and the beating of your heart. Now, I'm not suggesting that I'd like to live the life of a recluse; I don't think I would last long without contact with humanity. I'm very much a people person...I thrive on hugs, and laughter and meaningful conversation. But I am suggesting that a purposeful few minutes or even an hour or two alone can be extremely beneficial. 

I'm not talking about "down time". I'm talking about purposefully scheduled time by myself, away from the distractions of life with the intent of tracking the progress of my goals, organizing my strategies for completing tasks/meeting deadlines, calendaring my appointments and responsibilities, and recharging for the coming week. It helps me to check my perspective, set a realistic game plan, heighten my awareness of other people around me, and makes me a better listener. It's a great opportunity for reflection and evaluation:

• Am I where I expected to be five, or even 10 years ago? If not, why not? Do I need to change my course, be a little more realistic in my expectations, or get going in a completely different direction?
• What about my relationships? Are they fulfilling? Are they balanced? If not, why not? What needs to change? Am I communicating openly and clearly?  Am I "taking" more than I'm "giving"? Am I being taken advantage of? Am I using my voice appropriately?
• What's up with my employment? Am I working in my desired field? If not, what's stopping me? Am I on track for retirement? Is there something that needs to change?
• How high is my stress level? If it's high...why? Can I control any of the things I'm stressing over? What needs to change? Are the things I'm stressing over mine or someone else's? Do I need to reevaluate my boundaries? How can I decompress?
• How is my sleep? Am I making sleep a priority? Do I feel exhausted even when I sleep a sufficient number of hours at night? Is there anything I could do differently?

The list is endless...physical health, finances, vacations, avoiding procrastination, emotional health, education pursuits, meeting the needs of aging parents, wholesome family activities...And it's an ongoing process. I choose some specifics to focus on because it can become really overwhelming very quickly. I have a lifetime for growth and improvement, for organizing and accomplishing. The important thing is to be actively pursuing it.

So how do I make this happen? First and most important it has to be scheduled. And once it's scheduled I have to be accountable to myself and make it happen. Sometimes I have to get up a little bit earlier than usual so I have quiet undisturbed time to myself. It's amazing how clearly I can think in the early morning hours when the rest of the world appears to be suspended in sleep. Another option is during a lunch break. This is a little more limited time slot, but if a person is well organized and keeps it simple, it works fairly well. If there are constant unavoidable interruptions this may not be a viable option.

Just as importantly, close the door. Sit in the car. Lock yourself in the bathroom. Or announce to your family that you are off limits for "x" amount of time. Clear your mind. Breathe. Practice hearing, feeling, and being comfortable with the silence. Of course, your littles need supervision, your phone needs to be off, and your head needs to be "on the same page" with your calendar. I know from experience you can make this work if you really want it bad enough. Be still. Plan and follow through. That's the secret. It takes work to have a purposeful life, but it's worth it!

I'm all in! Are you with me?