About a year ago I served on a committee responsible for the planning and execution of a dinner and program for approximately 200-300 women. We spent about 6 weeks planning every detail from the menu right down to the table decor and the lighting that would set the proper ambiance for the event.
On the evening before, while we busied ourselves with setting up tables and chairs, placing our carefully thought out decor around the room, and adding the finishing touch of burlap runners and center pieces for the tables, I suddenly found myself struggling for breath and realized the burlap I'd been handling was a dangerous trigger for my asthma. Having had little to no trouble with my asthma for the 2 years previous, I found myself ill prepared with no inhaler...which added to my feeling of anxiety and panic.
I quickly excused myself, jumped in my car and speedily drove the 5 minutes it took to arrive home, all the while trying to assess what level of intervention I was going to need. Long story short...I survived, but learned a couple of very important lessons.
- Always be prepared. I let my inhaler prescription expire and decided not to get it renewed because "I was doing just fine without it". Do you see how well that worked for me? Thankfully, a hot shower, a full dose of antihistamine, a fresh change of clothes, and a whole lot of prayer and patience paid off. And I got right in to my Dr the next morning to get a new prescription, a peak flow meter, and an "asthma plan". (He was a new Dr I'd never seen before due to my moving to a new location). I am now happy to say I'm more educated and more prepared for the next occurrence (I have since realized just how out of control my asthma was even before this incident).
- Sometimes "toxins" can catch you off guard. I had no idea burlap was so "toxic" for me. I learned the hard way. But I paid attention, made note, and will never ever again allow myself to be subjected to it. I now know it's something I have to stay away from if I want to protect my health. There is no bargaining. No making exceptions.
- Selfishly take up all of one's time and/or energy
- Constantly criticize others
- Play the role of "victim"; always talk like everything wrong in their life is someone else's fault
- Have a negative mindset; always worried, stressed, pessimistic and complain a lot (disclaimer: It's important to distinguish the difference here between people who are truly toxic and individuals who have a negative outlook because they suffer from clinical depression)
- Have a "short fuse"; always belittling, berating, insulting or yelling. Being around them causes one to feel like they must tread carefully
- Manipulate and use others
- Hurt and disappoint others
It's exhausting; but left unresolved, it can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms which in turn allow a toxic person to have power over an individual for years to come. So what can you do?
- Identify the toxicity: Toxic people are often manipulative and selfish. They are hard to please and impossible to work with. They have difficulty owning their feelings and aren't likely to apologize or admit they are wrong.
- Set healthy boundaries: It will be hard, but it's imperative. Once the boundaries are set, stick with them. Don't make exceptions to the rule.
- Don't be too nice: Toxic people thrive on "niceness". They take advantage and manipulate goodness and kindness to their favor. Be firm. Don't be cruel, but don't be overly accommodating.
- Don't rescue: Don't cave to their "neediness", a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend. Let what's theirs be theirs. If their situation really is critical, direct them to resources or professionals that specialize in catering to those needs.
- Establish clear limits for interactions: Don't allow for the creation of problems or drama in your life.
- Don't try to change them: There is no change for someone who doesn't want to change. If it's working for them, let it be what it is. But step away.
I'd be stupid to expose myself to burlap and trigger my asthma knowingly. Clearly, it's a hazard, a toxin for my lungs. Since breathing is an essential function for a healthy lifestyle, it makes sense to steer clear; to be vigilant and intentionally avoid any further contact. So it is with toxic people. I have enough stress, anxiety, and problems of my own. Life is hard enough without "subscribing to another person's issues". Sometimes toxic people creep into a person's life unexpectedly. Sometimes they're a part of one's family. Some are easier to deal with; in some cases, it may require professional help to gain the tools necessary to make a break. It's a lot of hard work, but the pay-off is well worth it! Health and well-being are a precious commodity. Why would one knowingly hand it over to another person? Life is short. Take it back! Go ahead and cancel that subscription!
I'm all in! Are you with me?
