Have You Seen Yourself Lately?

Years ago, on a beautiful summer morning I took my children to a parade. It was the kick off for the county fair, and a yearly tradition we all looked forward to. My spunky 5 year old was especially enthusiastic about the candy being thrown into the crowd so I tried to watch closely without hovering and getting in her way. In one single moment, I lost track of her as she blended into the huge crowd of children competing for those succulent morsels of sugary goodness. Panic gripped my pounding heart as I ran frantically to find her in the sea of youngsters. Eventually, I felt such relief when I found her, quite unaware of the fact that she had been lost.

In the spring of a previous year, our family of 5 lived with my in-laws for a couple of months while we were waiting to close on a home we had purchased on the other end of town. One particular morning, I was feeling ill and at the encouragement of my mother-in-law, went back to bed, leaving her to tend to my adventurous 4 year old as he played outside. At some point, she slipped into the house for only a moment and he swiftly disappeared from our yard. After an intense 2 hour search, a gentleman from a nearby neighborhood found him in his driveway climbing on his truck trying to escape a barking dog, and brought him home. Once again, I felt such relief at having found my little one.

Another year, on a cold January Sunday afternoon, after an hour or so of family "quiet time" (everyone in your room so mom can get some much needed rest), I found to my dismay a note left on the bed of my angry 11 year old, stating that she had "gone for a walk" to blow off some steam. Having no idea where she'd headed, we began searching the neighborhood, calling a few friends, hoping to bring her back home in spite of  her "attitude". Several hours later, she frantically called from the phone of a local church building (she'd gotten lost, but recognized this familiar land mark) and thankfully we were finally able to be reunited. 

A year later, on another cold January afternoon, my then 14 year old son decided to head off (unannounced) on an adventure. Again, having no idea where he'd taken off to, I nonchalantly contacted neighbors and friends, but to no avail. We searched in every imaginable place, including a small canyon he frequently visited in his free time. Within a couple of hours, the light of day disappeared right along with any new ideas for where we might find him. About 9pm, when I had reached the end of my ability to remain calm, we received a phone call from him stating that he was cold and exhausted, and a little afraid; he'd walked aimlessly for over 5 hours. Any anger I felt for his carelessness, was washed away with relief for the opportunity to bring him safely back home. 

When I was just 13 years old, I lost myself. I was timid and shy, and easily misguided. I looked to anyone and everyone for acceptance. I was one child in a dysfunctional family of 8. I suffered from severe anxiety, which propelled my need for external and internal calm. As a result, I worked feverishly to control the emotional "settings" of my surroundings, and at a very young age earned the title of "peace maker". I felt a huge responsibility for the "happiness" and well-being of other people. Any sign of discord or disappointment on their part triggered an immediate evaluation of my words, actions and feelings so as to adjust accordingly and extinguish the sorely uncomfortable conflict it created inside of me. I spent years feeling lost, empty, unappreciated, unloved and unworthy. My relationships were so lopsided that I gave and gave and gave without any thought that I deserved to do any "taking". I wasn't "enough"...and resorted to the fact that I never would be enough. 

It's taken a lot of searching...5 years to be exact...but I found myself. And I really like what I "see". Don't get me wrong; I have flaws, weaknesses and shortcomings. I have more than a lifetime of improvements to make. But I love who I am and I. Am. Enough. I feel happy and content and peaceful. I feel beautiful and worthy, and treat myself as such. I give the same level of attention to my physical, emotional and spiritual self-care as I would a new born baby, because I deserve it. I set healthy boundaries in my personal relationships and carefully  consider my responsibility in nurturing and strengthening them in a healthy manner.  I'm nowhere near perfect, but I am perfectly imperfect! I still have hard days. Trials and adversity are a running theme in my life, but I wouldn't trade the lessons or the blessings for all the money in the world. I sometimes fail at reaching my goals and fulfilling my dreams, but I never fail at getting back up and trying again. And that overwhelming feeling is mine again, at finally being reunited with my inner child. 

Life is a journey. Even with the bumps in the road and the setbacks, there can be joy in the journey if you take it with both eyes wide open! And heaven knows YOU DESERVE THE JOY!

I'm all in! Are you with me?