Confession. I used to loathe mistakes. When I was a young child I worked with great effort to avoid making them. I remember clearly being obsessed...like SUPER obsessed about having every paper I turned in for school work meticulously perfect. Only my very best handwriting would suffice, each letter painstakingly formed and placed with precision. I filled the wastebasket to overflowing with crumpled pieces of paper containing one smudge, one misspelled word, one haphazardly placed mark of ink, the ghostly image of one sentence that refused to be completely erased. What should have taken minimal time and effort quickly turned into hours of senseless anxiety and stress, sometimes to the point of exhaustion.
As I entered adulthood I found myself enthusiastically planning long lists of things I wanted to accomplish/changes I wanted to make, pretty much setting myself up for failure before I even got started. And when I began suffocating under the pressure of reaching the unattainable, I caved to the cruel unrelenting messages from that inner part of me that insisted I was stupid to even think I was capable at succeeding at anything. When the new year came around again, I resolved to be better and work harder...to push through and not waste "this precious opportunity" to finally succeed. But I rarely did.
"Starting over" was my saving grace...in my head at least. "This time will be different", I would foolishly tell myself. I relished the idea of a clean slate, a new beginning, the thrill of "blank" space. In reality, it was merely chipping away at devouring my belief that I could do anything I put my mind to. I had become my own worst enemy.
Eventually, with some professional help, and a lot of hard work in personal development, I discovered a way out of the cycle by learning to recognize some self defeating behaviors:
- Trusting other people more than I trusted myself. I lacked confidence in myself. I felt insecure in my ability to make a correct judgement about my approach with what I wanted to accomplish, and more times than not found myself assuming that someone else was right and I was wrong.
- Having an all or nothing approach. I either had to do it well or not do it at all. Nothing less than the best was acceptable.
- Caring only for the end result. I wasn't concerned about what it took to get it done. I only cared that the desired result was attained. Otherwise I felt annoyed or devastated.
- Being extremely hard on myself. When I made a mistake, or if something didn't go quite right (whether it was my fault or not), I couldn't let it go. I continually beat myself about it, making me feel even less capable or enough.
- Having expectations set too high. This led to procrastination or lack of motivation which ultimately led to failing to meet my goals.
- Waiting for just the right moment. The best time for working on the goal or accomplishing a task was set but passed, because I procrastinated or allowed something else to get in the way. Therefore, it was pointless to even try.
- Mistakes were unacceptable. This too led to procrastination. I couldn't fail or do poorly at something I hadn't started.
- Having validation or acceptance as my driving force. Kudos and accolades from others, the appearance of being smart and successful, the need for acceptance were the determining factor for what I did and how I went about it.
And...
- Over time, I learned to truly believe my "10" is good enough. Yes there are people smarter, more talented, more capable, and better suited...but that doesn't in any way diminish my intelligence, my talents, my capabilities or my willingness to dive in and give it a shot.
- I'm satisfied that reaching enough to stretch and challenge myself, but hitting just below my aim is much better than not trying at all.
- I'm OK with a smudge, a stain, an overlooked incorrect spelling, a scratched out word, or a note or letter written a little more hastily.
- I've stopped to ask myself "Will this matter in 50 years? Or even 5 years?" This has often adjusted my perspective to be more realistic.
- I'm learning to be OK with small disappointments when things don't work out the way I expected they would.
- I'm not as hard on myself about missed opportunities or the need to occasionally do nothing.
- I've learned to be flexible. Sometimes the "right" time isn't convenient or realistic. I can still make an effort to make something happen.
I'm also working on personal growth with reasonable expectation:
- I'm learning to be accountable to myself and others. I'm not perfect at it by any means, but I'm much more aware of the fact that I need to follow through and do what I said I would do even if it's not as good as what someone else could have done.
- I'm working at being organized and purposeful with my time, my schedule and my commitments.
- I don't push myself beyond my abilities when I'm feeling fatigued physically or emotionally, but I'm not as quick to make excuses or rationalize.
- I regularly remind myself that the only person I'm competing with is MYSELF. My pace, my ability, my "way" is relevant and valid.
I'm all in! Are you with me?
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