The Lifeguard Won't Let Me In The Pool

Disappointment sucks! But you know what's worse? Being around people who think you need to be protected from it at all cost. You know...the ones that tiptoe around you, always telling you what you want to hear. Or the ones that won't voice their opinion because they don't want to hurt your feelings. They'll never tell you "no" even when it means they'll be inconvenienced, or deep down they're feeling put out because what they really prefer isn't even being considered as an option. They think they have your best interest in mind; but really they're being selfish and thinking only of themselves. Honestly. The truth of the matter is, they can't handle dealing with your disappointment so they shield themselves under the guise of protecting you. So, they're not taking responsibility for their own feelings while acting under the assumption that you aren't capable of being responsible for your own. Is this you? It used to be me. But not anymore.

I recently stumbled across this quote:

"Suppose a hundred airplane passengers are unexpectedly given parachutes and instructed to jump from the plane. If a physical situation alone could cause emotions, then all the hundred people would feel the same way. But, obviously those who regard skydiving positively are going to have a [reaction] very different from the others. - Michael Edelstein "Three Minute Therapy"

And I might add: Those who assume another person doesn't regard skydiving positively can either be helpful and encouraging OR cause some serious problems by either downplaying the situation or disregarding their own safety in the name of "protecting" someone who may or may not need protecting.

Disappointment is a part of life. Everyone experiences it and everyone needs to know how to deal with it. Watching someone else deal with it is hard and very uncomfortable, but we can't get in the way. Breaking the chick out of the egg rescues it from the struggle of getting out on its own, but it denies it the strength needed to survive the harsh realities of life.

So what can you do instead of shielding them?

• Let them wallow a bit. Disappointment is harsh. Let them take in the reality for a few minutes. This may make it easier for them to eventually take a deep breath and self soothe.
• Encourage a reality check. Is it really as bad as it seems? "Feelings are real and are important to recognize, but thoughts are not always the truth," says Psychotherapist Sarah Mandel, R.N., L.C.S.W.  When the initial upset is over, she says, "Try to look objectively at your problems to help separate fact from fiction and reduce negative self-talk." Be supportive and encouraging in this step of the process.
• Help them find ways to grow from it, to turn disappointment into grit and perseverance.
• Help them find ways to lower their stress level. Encourage them to go for a walk, meditate, listen to calming music, take a long warm shower, or watch something funny on TV.
• Be a positive influence. Listen but don't contribute to the negative feelings they may have. Help them process, but don't "fuel the fire".
• Encourage journaling. Sometimes writing about experiences and emotions helps reduce stress, relieve emotional pain, and put things into proper perspective.
• Remind them to count their blessings. It helps to cultivate feelings of gratitude for all that is "right in the world".
• Remind them to breathe. Breathing helps to increase feelings of well-being and peace, which leads to the process of "thinking" instead of "reacting".

Disappointment is real. But so is the potential for getting through it. No one is immune. Everyone who struggles WILL eventually come out of the other side...if you let them.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

So...What Are You Going To Do With That?

We've all been there at one time or another: 

Just received bad news. Can't get kids to cooperate. Hard day at the office. Family pet just died. Failing classes in school. Taking care of ailing parents. . Have a migraine. Fought with sibling this morning. Forgot to do homework. Feeling ignored. Needs aren't being met. Can't pay the bills. Car totaled in an accident. Foreclosure on house. Feeling annoyed. Laid off from job. Feeling depressed. Lonely. Anxious. Being bullied at school. Feeling guilt. Spouse diagnosed with terminal illness. No friends. Vacation cancelled. Overworked. Underpaid. Victim of crime. Not enough sleep. Being abused. Unwanted pregnancy. Heart broken. Can't catch a break. Worried. Emotionally exhausted.

And yet, we choose to put on the face that says "I'm fine" as sometimes the humiliation of being broken, or fear of bursting the emotional dam is too much to handle. Feeling pain, expressing emotion...even the negative ones...is part of the raw human experience. And sometimes we feel compelled to deny ourselves that same experience we would willingly allow another human being. We hold ourselves to a higher standard, make ourselves the exception to the rule because we should be stronger than that, exercise better self control, have a more optimistic attitude.

There are, however, wonderful benefits to communicating our emotions in a healthy manner, in the right context, and with people who truly care about us:

• Venting or processing provides emotional relief and/or helps to alleviate suffering
• It provides a sense of clarity and understanding
• We are better able to find meaning in our experiences and make sense of our emotions
• We can seek advice, solutions, suggestions and feedback
• We are better able to identify and validate our emotions
• We learn to be more compassionate with ourselves and with others
• We become better at nurturing interpersonal relationships
• It helps us to put our experiences into perspective

It's not always easy. Sometimes it requires a huge amount of humility and courage. It requires time and effort and energy. You may find that professional help is necessary; there's nothing wrong with meeting with a therapist who can provide helpful tools to promote healing and coping skills. It can be exhausting and frustrating on many levels. But ultimately, it's one of the best things you can do for yourself. Nothing worth doing is ever easy!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Be Yourself Today...You Look Beautiful Like That

Take Your Hand Off The Burner

I couldn't help myself. I felt as though I were flying as I propelled that swing up higher and higher. Stretching my legs and feet out as far as they would go, I foolishly struggled to reach the leaves of a tree, dangling overhead just out of my reach. My nine year old mind denied the absurdity of such an impossible undertaking until my body was suddenly hurled into the air, and I landed with a thud, my right foot in a twisted heap underneath  of me. The excruciating pain flung me into a harsh reality.

Denial is the refusal to accept reality, which can at times be unbearably painful. It is a state of resistance and suppression, of pushing against the painful, the awkward or embarrassing, or the unpleasant. It's where we go when we want to avoid despair. There are many reasons one might choose to go into denial...the need to be in control, to protect oneself, a desire to numb pain, a lack of self love or acceptance, an attempt to fill a void, a lack of feeling "good enough", or the absence of valuing one's talents and abilities. However, to minimize, excuse, or rationalize a situation, or the impact of a problem in a person's life, is damaging. It sets a person up for unnecessary feelings of guilt, shame and self loathing, causing them to be constantly at war with themselves and with others. It's like putting one's hand on the red hot burner of the stove and ignoring the damage. Sometimes reality sucks. But I have found there are so many benefits to facing it:

• Freedom to be who I am and who I want to be.
• Allowance for spiritual growth and emotional healing
• More space in my heart and in my life for peace; sometimes I choose  it and sometimes I have to create  it
• The ability to feel joy
• Feelings of peace and joy and happiness attract wonderful and amazing and awsomeness in my life
• I have control over my life and my choices
• I have developed talents that were just waiting to be discovered
• I have learned to recognize how strong, courageous and determined I can be
• I am more confident in my ability to make good decisions and not allow others to interfere
• It's easier to trust my gut/intuitions

Coming out of denial has required me to confront myself and others. I've had to work through the pain and harshness of reality not only in my life, but in my self...my habits, my attitudes, my weaknesses and my flaws. I've had to deal with betrayal...times and situations when I was mistreated, mislead or disappointed either by another individual or through my own negligence or lack of personal accountability. I've had to choose to take a stand and refuse to be manipulated or taken advantage of. Has it been easy? No. And it's an ongoing process and a balancing act. Find my courage. Take a stand. Show kindness to myself and others. Set boundaries. Be humble. Don't sell myself short. Show up. Don't be so quick to pass judgement on others...

I choose  to recommit myself every single day.

Remember: "What we focus on expands"

I'm all in! Are you with me?

It's A Gift You Give Yourself

"Knock! Knock!" said my 4 year old one day. "Who's there?" I asked with great enthusiasm. "Cow", he replied with a sheepish grin on his adorable little round face. And even though I'd heard this joke a million times, I had to ask, "Cow who?" Suddenly he burst into an uncontrollable giggle as he screeched "Cows don't say "who"...they say MOO!" That was his favorite joke, and he told it with as much gusto that day as he had the very first time he told it. 

He was full of jokes (mostly ones that didn't make sense...because he made them up himself), and giggles, and wiggles and facts! He could tell you all about dinosaurs and whales and birds and planets and the ocean! He hung upside down on tree branches and chased after dogs and cats, jumped off of retaining walls, did cartwheels and somersaults, and climbed on everything he could possibly think of. Once when he was about 18 months old, he climbed up the  handles of the drawers below the kitchen counter with his agile little toes moving at lightening speed, then quietly planted himself in the kitchen sink so he could look out the window overlooking our front yard. He had an imagination that never quit; he made forts and cars and dinosaurs and swords out of boxes and sticks and blankets, and even pieces of paper. He was full of energy and lived every minute of every day like it was his last. He was all in...at full speed...all day...every single day! I'm not going to lie; it was exhausting trying to stay one step ahead of him, but I look back on those days with a gratitude. They are memories I hold precious and dear.

Little children are amazing. Yes, they make life hectic and stressful in a lot of ways, but they have no agenda. They are curious...adults might call that being distracted. They tell it like it is...adults perceive that kind of honesty as socially unacceptable. They question with boldness...adults consider that being disrespectful. And best of all, they're spontaneous...which in the adult world might be considered undisciplined.

But spontaneity is good for the soul. It relieves stress and increases one's ability to be present...to enjoy the small things in life that might otherwise be missed. Sometimes we are so busy planning the day, planning a project, planning a vacation...looking ahead and beyond to the distant future, that we miss out on the giggles and teaching moments, the beauty of sunrises and sunsets, the playful antics of a pet, the random heart to heart chats, or a chance to connect with a long lost friend. In 5 years or 32 years or 79 years whatever you missed out on may not matter...or it might.

Is it worth the stress of constant plotting and planning, or muddling through whatever comes your way to let the seriousness of life smother your dreams, and drown your child-like wonder of all that is fun and amazing and simple and beautiful? 

Go ahead...dance in the rain, claim "your star" in the sky and tell everyone about it, cheer louder than anyone else in the room,  eat cereal for dinner, swing on the swing at the park, wear weird or mismatched clothes, have a bubble gum blowing contest, draw on the sidewalk with colored chalk, laugh long and hard, watch a movie instead of doing the dishes, spend the entire day in your pajamas, eat as much chocolate as you want in one sitting, don't pay any attention to the clock for an entire day...life is short! Live in the moment. Find the joy! 

I'm all in! Are you with me?

I Hung Up But I Couldn't Hang On

It was a beautiful chilly mid-October afternoon when I got the call. Breathe. Take a breath...now! Again. Don't panic. Stay calm. This isn't real. I kept trying to convince myself it was just a dream, but the screaming maniac inside me refused to be silenced, while the startling reality continued to choke  all of the breath out of my languishing lungs. I kept my eyes closed and my hands clasped tightly in my lap, as shock coursed through my body like a swift hungry cheetah going in for the kill. That phone call lasted less than a minute; but that was all it took to yank me into oblivion and suck the life from my stunned and injured heart.

Additional details from my experience really don't matter. Just about anyone reading this could fill in the blanks with their own personal traumatic experience: Death of a friend or loved one, a spouse filing for divorce, diagnosis of a life threatening disease, financial ruin, a devastating accidental injury, crime victimization...all of these and many more can blindside the heart and mind, leaving one plummeting head first down the  tenebrous, bottomless pit of grief. 

There are really no words to adequately describe what follows; disbelief, fear, anger, numbness, deep consuming sadness, uncontrollable tears, and an overwhelming need to shut down and check out. The mind may be constantly bombarded with disturbing sounds or images, or the haunting thoughts of "if only" or "what if?", while random snatches of sleep come only with the succumbing to complete physical and emotional exhaustion. There is no timeline or agenda for healing. Days and weeks, turn into months and years. Eventually, life does go on, but nothing will ever be the same. Grief brings to life a new awkward normal.

I can't speak for anyone else...I'm not a professional, and I only have my own experience to go on. However, for me healing has come gradually over a long period of time. Here are three things I found to be very helpful in the process:

1. It was, and still is, imperative that I look out for myself. I had to work hard to make sure I got plenty of rest. Sleep was sporadic at best, but I could at least lie down and read or watch something on TV, listen to some soft peaceful music, or just stare at the wall. Down time was essential to my emotional healing and my physical well-being. The more I rested, the better I was able to cope with all that I had to deal with in the following days, weeks and months. I had to make sure I regularly ate something even though I had no appetite. I kept nutritional drinks on hand in case that was all I could tolerate. With time, my appetite returned and eating was a little less of a chore.
2. I gave myself plenty of time and very little expectation. I had little energy or motivation. There were a host of things that needed my attention, but I accepted outside help with things that could be delegated so I could focus on immediately pressing matters. I kept a list and just took care of them as I was able. The list was necessary as I had a difficult time remembering what needed to be addressed, with whom I was to address it, and whether or not it had actually been taken care of. It wasn't a perfect system, but it relieved a lot of anxiety and mounting stress, and those I was dealing with were patient when something occasionally fell through the cracks.
3. Build a support system. This can be family members, close friends, members of a church congregation, co-workers. and/or a therapist. I found it difficult to go out in public. The possibility of running into a casual acquaintance sent me running in the other direction. I was a mess; uncontrollable tears flowed too freely, and my range of emotions varied so much that I couldn't guarantee I could keep myself together for any type of conversation. Having people I could process with and cry on helped immensely. With time it became a little easier, but my support people were always just a phone call away...any time day or night. I also chose to go to therapy, as sometimes, like the swift undercurrent of a river, my grief swept me into uncharted territory. I found it helpful to have the guidance of someone who had the tools necessary to get me back on my feet, and continue in the safety of the healing process.

It's coming up on five years now. Looking back, I'm amazed at how far I've come, how much I've learned and how much I've grown. The pain still rears it's ugly head occasionally, but mostly it's overshadowed by a feeling of gratitude and dulled to a level I can handle without being completely overwhelmed. I'm still adjusting somewhat to my new "normal" and occasionally my head runs away with the longing to be free of the emotional scars that will forevermore be with me. Mostly, I'm grateful they aren't visible to the general population, but sometimes I feel like I'm carrying a deep dark heavy secret. At times, I need to be alone. Other times I need to be around people. But always I feel the love of God.

Grief is harsh. Healing is arduous...but So. Worth. It.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

If It's To Be, It's Up To Me...Ain't Nobody Else Going To Make It Happen

I LOVE the sound of silence. You know, when you can hear absolutely nothing but your breathing and the beating of your heart. Now, I'm not suggesting that I'd like to live the life of a recluse; I don't think I would last long without contact with humanity. I'm very much a people person...I thrive on hugs, and laughter and meaningful conversation. But I am suggesting that a purposeful few minutes or even an hour or two alone can be extremely beneficial. 

I'm not talking about "down time". I'm talking about purposefully scheduled time by myself, away from the distractions of life with the intent of tracking the progress of my goals, organizing my strategies for completing tasks/meeting deadlines, calendaring my appointments and responsibilities, and recharging for the coming week. It helps me to check my perspective, set a realistic game plan, heighten my awareness of other people around me, and makes me a better listener. It's a great opportunity for reflection and evaluation:

• Am I where I expected to be five, or even 10 years ago? If not, why not? Do I need to change my course, be a little more realistic in my expectations, or get going in a completely different direction?
• What about my relationships? Are they fulfilling? Are they balanced? If not, why not? What needs to change? Am I communicating openly and clearly?  Am I "taking" more than I'm "giving"? Am I being taken advantage of? Am I using my voice appropriately?
• What's up with my employment? Am I working in my desired field? If not, what's stopping me? Am I on track for retirement? Is there something that needs to change?
• How high is my stress level? If it's high...why? Can I control any of the things I'm stressing over? What needs to change? Are the things I'm stressing over mine or someone else's? Do I need to reevaluate my boundaries? How can I decompress?
• How is my sleep? Am I making sleep a priority? Do I feel exhausted even when I sleep a sufficient number of hours at night? Is there anything I could do differently?

The list is endless...physical health, finances, vacations, avoiding procrastination, emotional health, education pursuits, meeting the needs of aging parents, wholesome family activities...And it's an ongoing process. I choose some specifics to focus on because it can become really overwhelming very quickly. I have a lifetime for growth and improvement, for organizing and accomplishing. The important thing is to be actively pursuing it.

So how do I make this happen? First and most important it has to be scheduled. And once it's scheduled I have to be accountable to myself and make it happen. Sometimes I have to get up a little bit earlier than usual so I have quiet undisturbed time to myself. It's amazing how clearly I can think in the early morning hours when the rest of the world appears to be suspended in sleep. Another option is during a lunch break. This is a little more limited time slot, but if a person is well organized and keeps it simple, it works fairly well. If there are constant unavoidable interruptions this may not be a viable option.

Just as importantly, close the door. Sit in the car. Lock yourself in the bathroom. Or announce to your family that you are off limits for "x" amount of time. Clear your mind. Breathe. Practice hearing, feeling, and being comfortable with the silence. Of course, your littles need supervision, your phone needs to be off, and your head needs to be "on the same page" with your calendar. I know from experience you can make this work if you really want it bad enough. Be still. Plan and follow through. That's the secret. It takes work to have a purposeful life, but it's worth it!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

It's A Bullet...You Gonna Bite It Or Dodge It?

I like Autumn. I can't say I love it, but I'm welcoming it more readily this year than ever before. The cool crisp air feels so refreshing. I love seeing the very beginnings of the process of the changing of the leaves to stunning shades of red and gold. The mountains that surround my community are  looming larger than life as if in anticipation of hiding under the blanket of soft sparkly snow that will soon cover them. In some aspects, life will soon move a little slower and the days will at first, almost imperceptibly, grow shorter, while the nights will grow colder and darker. I breathe a sigh of gratitude for relief from the intense heat of summer months now passed, and feel an almost giddy anticipation for the subtle flow of toasty air coming from the furnace, warm snuggly blankets, and mugs of smooth, velvety hot chocolate to warm me up from the inside out. Yes, Autumn and I are becoming comfortable companions.

Not too far in the distant past, Autumn used to signal for me, the need to brace for the cold, dark, never ending, miserable winter. I found it difficult to appreciate what was in front of me, because I was fighting against what was to come. But I recently came to this realization:

"Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let go"

"Letting go" has always been difficult for me...letting go of regret, letting go of the painful past, letting go of loved ones nearing the end of life, letting go of toxic relationships, letting go of my children as they enter adulthood, letting go of shame, letting go bad habits, letting go of my worry and concern about things I can't change...But to "let go", to give up resisting and struggling, is a necessary part of our growth and change.

 Letting go:

• Allows us to move forward instead of being paralyzed by fear, hurt, anger or uncertainty
• Allows us to discover our capabilities and embrace courage
• Expands our comfort zone
• Gives us strength to believe in what could be
• Releases us from being anchored by things that are out of our control
• Provides clarification and validation
• Allows for the healing process to begin
• Gives way to evaluation of what we want and what we deserve
• Allows space for something new
• Sets us free
• Increases self esteem
• Opens the heart to real internal peace and happiness

Is it easy to let go? Of course not. And I'd be a fool to try and convince you otherwise. It's difficult at best. Some things are harder to let go of than others. It takes time and patience and perseverance and grit and determination. Some days you might wonder if it's worth it, or think it's easier, less painful, less of a hassle to just hang on to whatever is causing the problem. There might be unpleasant consequences...because your decision to "let go" deeply affects the lives of other people, or goes against the beliefs of loved ones. Sometimes the thing or person you let go of comes back over and over again like a clueless lost little puppy. YES IT'S HARD. It's hellish hard. But, aren't you worth it? I KNOW I am.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

If You Don't Have One I'll Give You One Of Mine

When my youngest daughter was about 10 years old she came to me one day and we had the following conversation:

"Mom, what are those lines in your face around your mouth?" 

I sheepishly replied "those my dear, are wrinkles." "How did you get them?" she responded. "Smiling. It's a sad fact...smiling too much gives you wrinkles." "Those", she said, "are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. When I grow up do you think I'll get them? I WANT them! That would make me SO happy!"

No one has ever given me a sweeter compliment. And it changed my perspective. It's habit for me to smile; I can't just "give it up". But you know something? Every single time I smile now, I remember that conversation, and the smile in my heart matches the smile on my face; And I wear them both proudly. I'm not so worried about my "wrinkly" face anymore.

So there must be benefits to smiling. Right? Here are some to consider:

• A smile is universal. It means the same thing in pretty much every culture. How awesome is that? No language barrier with a smile! 
• Smiling stimulates our brain's "reward mechanism" better even than chocolate can
• Smiling actually reduces stress and lowers blood pressure
• It's a surprisingly powerful way to improve your life and the lives of others
• Smiling makes your workload seem lighter
• A smile generates more positive emotion inside us
• A smile signals friendliness and encourages positive social interaction
• Smiling builds your confidence
• A smile makes the difficult things in life a little more bearable
• The more you smile, the easier it gets to do it more frequently
• Smiling promotes happiness and feelings of gratitude

I get it. Smiling isn't always easy. Some days or weeks or months or years  are really hard. But I know from personal experience, having been in some pretty traumatic situations in my life, that even a tiny attempt at producing a smile has some benefit. When I'm having a tough time, when life feels overwhelming, when I've "tied a knot" but I can't hang on, a smile is what I need. 

So, if you're unable to find your smile, call a friend, or call your mom (that's what my eldest daughter says lol!). Practice smiling in the mirror. I hear your brain can't tell the difference between your fake smile and your real one; it still releases those feel good hormones. So fake or real...let it out! It can't hurt. And when you're out and about and life is feeling pretty darn perfect, share your smile with a stranger. You never know..."it may be the only sunshine [they] sees all day!" (I'm not sure who he is, but H. Jackson Brown Jr. said that!)

Find your smile. Share your smile. It will make the world a better place!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Who Are You? And What Have You Done With Myself?

Life is full of exhausting demands and much of the time it's so difficult to balance. No need for me to go into detail, because if you're reading this, you're likely already very familiar, and probably up to your eyeballs in the reality of that statement. You ever played one of those restaurant games on your computer or your tablet...you know, the ones where the tutorial shows you how to "run all the machines" and "fill the orders" of the "customers"? when you start out it's like "Hey this isn't so bad" and "boom!" Suddenly you have 15 customers ordering 20 different items and they're all pissed off because you're not moving fast enough. And you find yourself getting all panicky, and your heart starts racing and you hold your breath and your fingers are flying and eventually it's "game over"..."you suck"..."you weren't good enough"..."here, you want to try again?" Ummm. No.

I suppose some people are really good at those kind of games. But I'm not. I don't even find it fun or entertaining. I tried twice and both times I just shut down.

Well, life in all of it's hustle and hurry and deadlines and frustration, sometimes gets so out of control and overwhelming, that I have to remind myself to "push pause". Stop. Quit. Be still. Time out. Done. I don't care who you are or what you need...leave me the hell alone! Because, I learned the hard way there are only so many hours in a day, I only have 2 hands, my shoulders have a limited weight capacity, my brain only runs on so many circuits before it's fried, and I don't have the energy of a freaking 2 year old. "Pause", I will...and I don't need your permission. Thank you very much.

So what does that "pause" look like? Whatever I want it to look like. But you can guarantee it's all on my terms. And it's scheduled consistently. Because if it's not scheduled, it ain't happening. And if I need an "emergency time out"...because "life happens",  I take it. And these are my rules:

• 1 hour minimum
• If I want to be by myself I can
• If I want to invite you I will
• If I don't invite you, don't even think about inviting yourself
• I can be anywhere I want
• For as long as I need

And what do I do? Whatever I feel like. One of these (or more if I feel like it) for example:

• Go for a drive
• Go for a walk
• Go to a movie
• Take a LOOOOONG hot shower
• Write in my journal
• Play a game on my tablet
• Go on a photo shoot (I'm not a photographer. I just like seeing things through the lens of a camera sometimes)
• Crochet
• Work on an art project
• Write a poem
• Read or listen to a book
• Clean and organize my room
• Put together a puzzle
• Eat chocolate
• Meditate
• Go window shopping
• Listen to uplifting music
• Sleep
• Play with play dough or kinetic sand
• Go people watching
• Nothing

I'm never out of ideas. Anything I can do to relax and regroup. There's a lot of being accountable to other people in life; deadlines to be met, relationships to be formed, appointments to be kept. But, I'm not willing to lose or sacrifice myself in the process. There are priorities...and I AM an important one. So I'm committed to treating myself like it!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

How to make stress your friend | Kelly McGonigal

I stumbled on this video quite by accident, but I love it! It really made me stop and reconsider the aspect of stress in my life and how I allow it to affect me. It's about 14 minutes long, but well worth the watch. I hope you'll take time to view it. I'm changing my mindset about stress and making it my friend!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

They're Good For A Lot of Things...But That's Not One Of Them

I eat a boiled egg...every day. It's been that way for years now. I just like them. They taste yummy and they're a great source of protein. I got sucked into the "too many eggs is bad for your health" crap for years, but then I decided so what? I like them. They're convenient, inexpensive, take up very little space (in the fridge and in my stomach lol!) and my opinion is the only one that matters. If I die, I die happy. So far they haven't killed me...

Well, as a result of my daily consumption, I've peeled a lot of eggs, thrown away a massive amount of eggshell. And recently I started wondering if they're good for anything...like is there a life hack that I'm missing out on? Should I be saving all those eggshells for something really spectacular? So I did some research a google search and here's what I found:

Eggshells are good for: 

• Restoring your skin to younger, more youthful "glow"
• Abrasive compound for cleaning your tub or scrubbing pots and pans
• Unclogging drains
• Fertilizing your garden/deterring garden pests
• Fortifying your pet's food
• Scaring away slugs
• Sweetening your coffee
• Supplementing your chicken's feed
• A great source of calcium
• Sharpening the blades of your blender
• Making your own sidewalk chalk
• Arts/crafts such as Christmas ornaments, wall hangings and mobiles
• Boosting your cosmetics
• Making treats for wild birds
• Cleaning your garbage disposal

That's an interesting list, to say the least. I'm not sure I'd take any of those ideas at face value, but I noticed something that really caught my attention...

I didn't find any claim to the benefits of "walking on" eggshells. Nope. Not one time, in all of the links I followed. It was never listed. Ever.

You know the drill. Either you've experienced it, know someone who's experienced it, or maybe you're in that very situation as you're reading this:

Tip toe softly. Don't cause any commotion. Tread lightly and oh. so. carefully. You're anxious, nervous or worried about the other person's attitude or moods, anger, criticism, glares, finger pointing or stonewalling. There's a constant feeling of distress in the pit of your stomach. Nothing you do is ever good enough...YOU will never be good enough. The relationship is cold and standoffish. Disagreements may be minimal, but there's a "chill in the air". 

Yep. I was there. Years and years and years of my life wasted on those stupid "eggshells". Useless effort. Squandered time. And so much stress! It became habit, like I went into auto pilot/survival mode. And I became a coward. Fear and denial left me unwilling to speak up and say "Done. Tired. This isn't working for me. I'm not taking this crap anymore!" And what do I have to show for all that time gone by? NOTHING. Painful memories. Regret. Lost opportunities. Dreams and goals unfulfilled. However, the great news is...I gave it up about 5 years ago and I feel so free! Don't get me wrong...it wasn't easy. It was harsh. The committee in my head was relentless. My self esteem was shot. It was exhausting work. But I'm here. And I'm so grateful for the lessons I learned along the way:

1. My "10" is enough. My effort, while not perfect, is enough. I am enough. Notice I didn't say "good enough". I. AM. ENOUGH.
2. I am not responsible for anyone else’s “stuff”…including my husband, my children, my siblings, my friends, acquaintances and even strangers on the street. My feelings of sadness, anger, or discomfort of any degree, the result of  someone being unable or unwilling to resolve their issues, does not EVER give me license to take them on as my own. I AM NOT THAT POWERFUL!
3.  It is imperative that I take care of myself on every level. I have physical, emotional and spiritual needs that must be met. I cannot reach my potential or take care of my stewardships without being “my own best friend” first. I must hold myself accountable. I am not anyone else’s responsibility.
4. I have a voice. I owe it to myself and to others to use it.
5. I am the boss of me…including my thoughts, my feelings and my actions.
6.  I must pay attention…I cannot “drift” or “race” through life.
7. I am capable of "standing up", "stepping up", and "showing up".
8. I can't let fear rule my life. "I can do hard things".
9. I am allowed to feel peace.
10. I am capable of saying no.
11. Clear concise communication is essential to any healthy relationship. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
12. Boundaries are essential to my physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
13. Courage, confidence, and integrity are essential to living in reality. Living in reality is essential to my emotional well-being. Denial is destructive.
14. Some of life's most rewarding moments are experienced outside of the "comfort zone".
15. "Growing" is hard and painful, and comes in such small increments that it is hardly noticeable...until enough time has passed...at which time  the evidence is most assuredly both encouraging and simply amazing.
16. I am worthy!

Growing and changing are hard, but SO WORTH IT!

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Sometimes You Just Have To!

Laughter truly is the best medicine! A giggle is wonderful, but there's nothing like a really good belly laugh...the kind that has you doubling over and begging for the "funny business" to stop for just a minute so you can catch your breath and let your abdominal muscles rest. And have you noticed, when you're all done laughing, you feel SO different:

• Like a weight has been lifted. For just a brief moment the stress is gone. Muscles in your neck and back are relaxed. No tension headache. Breathing is easier. Maybe you can't quit smiling because the happiness has just exploded into every fiber of your being. You can't help but sit back and close your eyes and soak it all in like a deep breath of fresh mountain air.
• It's nearly impossible to feel angry or sad or disappointed when you've been laughing. I've had occasion when I've felt sadness because of a loss, and suddenly been reminded of a funny or pleasant memory and I can't help but smile and giggle or laugh (even though tears have been flooding my face) and the sadness just disappears. It's a welcome relief like that of no other.
• Relationships thrive on laughter. Some of my best moments are random belly busting bursts of laughter with my children. They're all grown up now, but we still get together and love sharing a good laugh. It connects us in ways that nothing else can; less conflict, more love, and memories we will hold on to forever.
• Laughter helps me adjust my focus and shift my perspective. It allows me to take a deep breath and look at things more realistically. It allows a reprieve when stress becomes unbearable, and helps me remember "this too shall be a memory". 

And there are health benefits as well: Lower blood pressure, release of cortisol and adrenaline (endorphins that promote an overall sense of well-being and act as natural painkillers), boot of T-cells in the immune system, protection of cardiac health by improving the function of blood vessels, and it's a good work out for your abdominal muscles, diaphragm, and respiratory system!

"If you wish to glimpse inside a human soul and get to know the man, don't bother analyzing his ways of being silent, of talking, o weeping, or seeing how much he is moved by noble ideas; you'll get better results if you just watch him laugh. If he laughs well, he's a good man...All I claim to know is that laughter is the most reliable gauge of human nature." - Feodor Dostoyevsky

Choose to embrace the laughter and feel the joy!

I'm all in! are you with me?

You May Have A Heart of Gold...But So Does A Hard Boiled Egg

I used to be a "fixer"; I felt compelled to:

• Stop pain
• Prevent disappointments
• Solve problems
• Put an end to unhappiness
• Provide rest for the weary
• Worry about individuals
• Stress about predicaments

 I was so busy fixing and stressing and coordinating and planning the lives of friends and family members that I denied my own self-care  with reckless abandon. And it was exhausting! Physically and emotionally consuming.

While "fixing" may appear to give your life purpose and fulfillment, the truth is, there is danger in presuming yourself to be the panacea of all of the difficulties and misfortunes of life:

• Your drive to "fix" will override the reality that everything broken can't be fixed
• You end up making your life's decisions based on how they will affect other people
• Love begins to look like a distorted sense of relentless sacrifice
• Compassion without boundaries becomes enabling
• Limitless acts of kindness lead to unrealistic expectations
• You can't pressure, coerce, convince or inspire someone who doesn't want to change, but you'd never give up trying
• You end up sacrificing your own needs, dreams, goals and expectations for the comfort, happiness, or success of others
• You develop a false sense that people can't survive, endure, problem solve or heal without you
• You end up feeling trapped, exhausted and resentful because your time and energy will never be enough to fix everyone/everything

And so? If you really want to make a difference, here are some suggestions for what you can do:

• Focus on developing a healthy realistic attitude. Constantly seeking to improve, help, change others is not love or appreciation for who they are. 
• People are not projects. Be responsible for your own happiness, well-being, success, health and life choices, and not that of other people. You don't need other people to be happy, to be happy yourself.
• Take care of your own feelings. Practice shielding yourself emotionally. Detach yourself from feelings of guilt and shame that suck you in to being a fixer. Put the responsibility where it belongs. If it's not yours...don't make it yours.
• Remind yourself daily that one can't always have what they want. No one's life is free of difficulty or harsh reality. Find ways you can be helpful and supportive with clearly defined boundaries.
• Learn to let go! The struggle in life is real. We ALL experience pain, disappointment, failure, loss, unhappiness. It sucks, but it's a necessary part of life.

If you're caught in the cycle, it's going to take some focused effort to break out your way out of it. Take one day at a time. Set goals and celebrate your successes. And then keep at it. Remember love and support...that's what we all really need.

I'm all in! Are you with me?

The Hardest Thing I've Never Done

Trash talk. Disrespect. Negativity. Never a word of encouragement. Rarely a compliment. The self-dialogue of my youth mostly consisted of messages of disappointment and criticism for such an unworthy, inadequate, pathetic, unlovable, awkward, misfit. I'd closed and locked my heart to messages of love from anyone and everyone...including me. On the surface, kindness and acceptance oozed from me, but I kept them from saturating the deep hidden layers of my soul by splashing them on to those I targeted as individuals who appeared to show even a small degree of probability in finding me worthy of the slightest measure of positive interaction.

So what changed? As an adult, I found myself complaining. A lot. More and more all the time. Nearly every conversation I had with "friends" was fraught with unhappiness, disappointment, and depressing objections to the unfairness of my life. Ironically, I quietly resented people who cornered me while spewing their life's problems all over me, but found the exact same kind of crap blasting out of my mouth like a severe case of  diarrhea. I began to hear myself in every voice of discontentment...and I hated it. I had become the kind of person I despised.

And so, I changed. Don't get me wrong; it didn't happen overnight. And it sucked really bad. Old habits are tricky. As the saying goes "they die hard." It felt like two steps forward and 15 steps backward. Some days were a little better than others, but mostly not. And when the truly rotten days came around, I'm not going to lie...I didn't even try to find anything positive about life; I just fought really hard to keep my mouth shut and make myself scarce.

Eventually, I acquired some skills that helped me learn how to get a better handle on my attitude, and my perspective about myself and about life in general:

• Express gratitude daily: Sounds trite, I know, but this seriously started turning things around for me almost immediately. Sometimes I had to search long and hard, but eventually I developed a much greater appreciation for a lot of things I've just taken for granted my whole life. An attitude of gratitude has softened my heart.
• Do something just for you every day: Soak in the tub, eat chocolate, watch a favorite show or movie, do something nice for a friend, take a nap. You, me, we all deserve pampering. Be intentional. You owe it to yourself. Create the moment, then sit with it and take it all in.
• Focus on your own story instead of everyone else's: Everyone has issues: hard stuff, imperfections, family problems...you just don't see it. Society dictates that we must put on our masks, put our best foot forward, create the illusion that all is well behind closed doors. But you alone determine what direction your life takes. Of course, some things are beyond our control but we must take it and roll with it, and do the very best that we can to find the pleasant and the worthwhile,  while creating the adventure and living our dreams. No one can decide for us if we are worthy of time or space or attention or good fortune...unless we choose to let them. Your life is your own to enjoy or destroy.
• Be kind to yourself: Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect...starting from the inside out. Spend 2 minutes every day looking at your reflection in the mirror. Stand close. Put your face right up to the glass and stare really deep into your own eyes. And be quiet. Clear your mind. And don't say anything. Just feel. And then slowly, tell yourself "I love you." I know. Sounds ridiculous. I thought so too. Until I got desperate one day and tried it. I got real with myself...and it was powerful.
• Be your own best friend: Advocate for yourself. Voice your needs. Be considerate of your own feelings. Learn to comfort yourself, or seek comfort when you're feeling sad. Get some rest when you're feeling tired, relax for a few minutes after a hard day. Speak kindly about yourself and to yourself. Give yourself positive affirmations and lots of encouragement. Don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake...everybody makes them; it's part of the human experience.
• Embrace  your imperfections: No one is perfect. And thinking YOU should be, is prideful. You aren't any better, any less than, more or less deserving than any other human being. And...you're not an exception in the human race. We are all in this together, fighting the same fight, trying the best we know how. Cut yourself some slack. It's not your first screw up...and it certainly won't be your last. Try harder, do better, and stand up again when you fall.
• Distance yourself from negativity and disrespect: Nobody needs it. No one deserves it. No one. Not even you.
• Believe in yourself: You are capable. You have skills and talents. You have so much to offer this world. Be confident. Stand up step up. Be your best cheerleader. Celebrate your successes...even the small ones!
• Stop seeking approval: You don't need approval. You. Are. Enough.
• Be honest with yourself: You have values. Stand by them. When you mess up, take responsibility and don't make excuses. If you need to make some changes in your life, in your relationships, in your behavior, make them; don't rationalize. Don't be a coward. Tell the truth. Live the truth. Be accountable and honorable with yourself. You deserve that kind of respect.
• Don't scare  yourself: There are a lot of unknowns in life. Don't be fearful or pessimistic. Don't hesitate to take a step into the dark because you can't see the light. Most of the things we worry about never come to fruition. Take one day at a time and expect the unexpected. Find the joy in the journey. Some day you'll be glad you did.

It's a process. But I'm all in! Are you with me?

A Journey of A Thousand Miles...

One out of ten cents. Six minutes out of an hour. Ten out of one hundred miles. I've discovered 10% isn't much, but it makes a dramatic difference no matter how I apply it in my life. Take a moment and ponder if you will, the impact in your life of 10%:

• more time serving in the community
• more time studying for that test you've been dreading
• more money set aside for a rainy day
• less feeling sorry for yourself
• more effort put into a relationship
• more time commitment to your spouse or children
• more energy put into a good workout
• less junk food in your diet
• less time spent on electronic devices
• more time away from the television
• more commitment to house or yard work
• less comparing yourself to others
• more down time for your brain
• more time job hunting
• more time improving your skills
• less whining and complaining about things you can't control
• more effort to bring about change in your life
• less gossip
• less useless stuff in your home, garage, or work space
• less scowling
• more smiling
• more gratitude
• less pride
• more humility

I don't know who said this, but it really hot home with me:

 "Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Top for it you must, but take the step."

 Nothing changes, if nothing changes...

I'm all in! Are you with me?

Once It's Gone You Can't Get It Back

I've had a love/hate relationship with time my whole adult life. I despise being late; I actually like to allow about 90 minutes prep time if I have somewhere I need to be. I hate the feeling of being rushed...it actually creates great anxiety which manifests in a slight panicky feeling. I like having control of my time, but I feel suffocated by a daily calendar in which every minute is planned out and accounted for. I'm grateful for the flexibility of an unplanned day, but find more times than not that life is passing me by...as are my dreams and goals, and I'm not getting any younger!

Tony Robbins, a well known philanthropist and life coach, says  “One reason so few of us achieve what we truly want is that we never direct our focus; we never concentrate our power. Most people dabble their way through life, never deciding to master anything in particular.”

I've been a dabbler. A time waster. A "take the day as it comes and whatever happens, happens" kind of gal for way too long. And now is MY time for change.

So what am I doing differently? 

1. I plan out my day the evening before, making sure to focus on the top priorities: scheduled appointments, personal commitments, one hour minimum of "me time", and a block of time for "must do's", things that are NOT optional, that require zero interruption if they are to be accomplished. I allow a "cushion", an additional hour between the things I've scheduled so as to allow for unforeseen delays.

2. I value my time. It is indispensable. It is mine and mine alone. I am completely accountable for how I spend it, just as I am accountable for the spending of my money. If I don't have enough time to take care of my priorities, if there isn't enough to adequately take care of my needs, if I find myself suddenly "running low", it is on me. No one else is to blame. I can use it wisely, use it to my benefit, or squander it away and have nothing to show for it. Whatever I choose brings consequences, desirable or undesirable, that I must face up to without blame cast on anyone but ME.

3. I value the time of others. If I've agreed to only take an hour of someone's time, I adhere to that commitment with a firm resolve to be respectful of the precious gift they offer in my behalf. And, I expect the same from others.

4. I've learned to say "no". If I'm not interested, if it's not a priority for me, if I can't be "all in", I politely decline with a firm, but respectful "no". The decision is mine to make, and I feel no obligation to offer an explanation or excuse.

I only have one life, 24 hours in one day, 7 days in a week, 365 days in a year and only God knows how many years I have left. I want to have something to show for it. I want to enjoy it. I want to work hard and feel good about the things I've accomplished. I want to make a contribution, a sincere effort to offer my best self in helping to make a difference, if even a small one, in making the world a better place. Time is the key. And I choose to spend it wisely to the best of my ability!

I'm all in! Are you with me?