Tuesday, September 5, 2017

The Hardest Thing I've Never Done



Trash talk. Disrespect. Negativity. Never a word of encouragement. Rarely a compliment. The self-dialogue of my youth mostly consisted of messages of disappointment and criticism for such an unworthy, inadequate, pathetic, unlovable, awkward, misfit. I'd closed and locked my heart to messages of love from anyone and everyone...including me. On the surface, kindness and acceptance oozed from me, but I kept them from saturating the deep hidden layers of my soul by splashing them on to those I targeted as individuals who appeared to show even a small degree of probability in finding me worthy of the slightest measure of positive interaction.

So what changed? As an adult, I found myself complaining. A lot. More and more all the time. Nearly every conversation I had with "friends" was fraught with unhappiness, disappointment, and depressing objections to the unfairness of my life. Ironically, I quietly resented people who cornered me while spewing their life's problems all over me, but found the exact same kind of crap blasting out of my mouth like a severe case of  diarrhea. I began to hear myself in every voice of discontentment...and I hated it. I had become the kind of person I despised.

And so, I changed. Don't get me wrong; it didn't happen overnight. And it sucked really bad. Old habits are tricky. As the saying goes "they die hard." It felt like two steps forward and 15 steps backward. Some days were a little better than others, but mostly not. And when the truly rotten days came around, I'm not going to lie...I didn't even try to find anything positive about life; I just fought really hard to keep my mouth shut and make myself scarce.

Eventually, I acquired some skills that helped me learn how to get a better handle on my attitude, and my perspective about myself and about life in general:



  • Express gratitude daily: Sounds trite, I know, but this seriously started turning things around for me almost immediately. Sometimes I had to search long and hard, but eventually I developed a much greater appreciation for a lot of things I've just taken for granted my whole life. An attitude of gratitude has softened my heart.
  • Do something just for you every day: Soak in the tub, eat chocolate, watch a favorite show or movie, do something nice for a friend, take a nap. You, me, we all deserve pampering. Be intentional. You owe it to yourself. Create the moment, then sit with it and take it all in.
  • Focus on your own story instead of everyone else's: Everyone has issues: hard stuff, imperfections, family problems...you just don't see it. Society dictates that we must put on our masks, put our best foot forward, create the illusion that all is well behind closed doors. But you alone determine what direction your life takes. Of course, some things are beyond our control but we must take it and roll with it, and do the very best that we can to find the pleasant and the worthwhile,  while creating the adventure and living our dreams. No one can decide for us if we are worthy of time or space or attention or good fortune...unless we choose to let them. Your life is your own to enjoy or destroy.
  • Be kind to yourself: Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect...starting from the inside out. Spend 2 minutes every day looking at your reflection in the mirror. Stand close. Put your face right up to the glass and stare really deep into your own eyes. And be quiet. Clear your mind. And don't say anything. Just feel. And then slowly, tell yourself "I love you." I know. Sounds ridiculous. I thought so too. Until I got desperate one day and tried it. I got real with myself...and it was powerful.
  • Be your own best friend: Advocate for yourself. Voice your needs. Be considerate of your own feelings. Learn to comfort yourself, or seek comfort when you're feeling sad. Get some rest when you're feeling tired, relax for a few minutes after a hard day. Speak kindly about yourself and to yourself. Give yourself positive affirmations and lots of encouragement. Don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake...everybody makes them; it's part of the human experience.
  • Embrace  your imperfections: No one is perfect. And thinking YOU should be, is prideful. You aren't any better, any less than, more or less deserving than any other human being. And...you're not an exception in the human race. We are all in this together, fighting the same fight, trying the best we know how. Cut yourself some slack. It's not your first screw up...and it certainly won't be your last. Try harder, do better, and stand up again when you fall.
  • Distance yourself from negativity and disrespect: Nobody needs it. No one deserves it. No one. Not even you.
  • Believe in yourself: You are capable. You have skills and talents. You have so much to offer this world. Be confident. Stand up step up. Be your best cheerleader. Celebrate your successes...even the small ones!
  • Stop seeking approval: You don't need approval. You. Are. Enough.
  • Be honest with yourself: You have values. Stand by them. When you mess up, take responsibility and don't make excuses. If you need to make some changes in your life, in your relationships, in your behavior, make them; don't rationalize. Don't be a coward. Tell the truth. Live the truth. Be accountable and honorable with yourself. You deserve that kind of respect.
  • Don't scare  yourself: There are a lot of unknowns in life. Don't be fearful or pessimistic. Don't hesitate to take a step into the dark because you can't see the light. Most of the things we worry about never come to fruition. Take one day at a time and expect the unexpected. Find the joy in the journey. Some day you'll be glad you did.
It's a process. But I'm all in! Are you with me?

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